Four years ago, my marriage as I knew it, ended.
Discovering an X-rated message exchange between my husband and some whore left me seriously messed up for years.
Even through the therapy and the many post-affair talking sessions, I couldn’t shake the feeling that my husband wasn’t telling me everything.
Despite my husband swearing everything had been purged, I did not believe him.
And last night, I was vindicated.
My husband gave me complete access to his phone after D-Day, and although I’ve looked a handful of times to satisfy my curiosity, I couldn’t see anything to raise alarm bells.
Last night, my husband came to bed early and crashed as he was clearly exhausted.
I took the opportunity to remove the glasses from his face, his phone from his hand and starting flicking through a few things: email, Instagram, Facebook, Messenger.
But that nagging feeling persisted. So I kept digging.
And then I found it. A Yahoo email account. But not under his name. He had called himself Simon Temples.
I opened the inbox.
Facebook ‘people you might know messages’ filled the screen.
I thumbscrolled through the messages.
More Facebook messages.
No, no. Thumbscroll, thumbscroll.
There’s more, I know it.
Messages from an Audrey.
Dated March 2013.
When I was almost 8 months pregnant.
A second affair he never told me about.
He swore he began cheating on me after our third child was born because he felt neglected.
Now I had proof he had begun cheating on me before then.
I read all the messages. All 71 of them.
Then, because I didn’t panic and become enraged, I took my time forwarding all of the messages to myself.
Messages where he met up with her for coffee.
Messages where he told her what he’d do with his tongue.
Messages where he told her he would “definitely try to work out a way” to spend the whole night at her place “but not very often.”
Messages where he was looking for a booty call and would lie to me about what time he had to be home and then drop around to her place.
I know this was 4+ years ago, and we’re in a good place right now, but this fucking hurts.
What do I do with this new information??
So sorrry. It does fucking hurt. No matter how many years ago. My husband started his affair in 2013 – since then I have found out new information every year since. Even though he swore he was telling the truth. This year I decided I’m done and have filed for a divorce. Am like you…3 kiddies, found out about his affair in 2014 when I was pregnant with our youngest. It fucking hurts. When he says ‘I love you’ it makes no sense, no one who loves you does this.
I’m so sorry to hear this. How are you coping now and how are your children? SWxo
I’m just coping really…..children are ok they don’t really know what’s happening. Thank you for asking, hope you are ok too ❤️
It leaves you in exactly the same position you’ve been in for the last few years. You can either open old wounds that have left scars or you can delete the emails you have sent to yourself and carry on as you have been. Nothing will change apart from, he will admit he emailed this person. Then what? Nothing. Unless you decide on leaving or some other action.
At the end of the day he lied. It doesn’t matter if he lied about one affair or 20 affairs. He lied.
My husband had an affair with a co-worker while they were both based abroad with the armed forces, knowing they had sex was tough, they lying was unforgivable. I tried for 6 months to make my marriage better.
I left. He still lies now, only it’s different lies.
How awful I was to him, how I never understood him. How I never sympathised with him over his job. How I am a terrible mother. I’m disgusting because I met someone new so I must have been having an affair.
He’s not my husband anymore. He keeps lying and believing his own lies because it makes him feel better. I let him. One lie as enough for me. There are probably more, I just count myself lucky that I can move on.
I’m glad you are in a much better place now. There really was no need for him to make you out to be a monster. Probably trying to make himself feel better for being such an asswipe. SWxo
Fuck, that’s bad. I’m new to your blog, but I deeply detest dishonesty, so even though they’re nearly 5 years old, they’re from a new woman, and show how deceitful he has been/can be… I’d be outta there! Once a cheat, always a cheat. You deserve better.
Thanks, but I’m not going anywhere just yet. Hope you find something to help you here. SWxo
Megan Van Oirschot said:
Dear Shattered. You don’t know me but three years ago, I found my husband of 20 years was seeing another woman behind my back. I decided then and there that he was no longer the man that I once knew and respected. Being alone would be better than being reminded of the pain of rejection everyday. Finding your blog was a salvation, and not only a comfort to me but a connection with others who were feeling that pain and I cannot thank you enough for providing the platform to let someone like me, know that I was NOT alone! I remember thinking at the time that you decided to stay and I left….who would be better off? Maybe I should have fought for my husband? Well, the answer is there is no one better off. Pain is pain and whether you stay or leave, there are consequences to both. I can tell you that I saw positives in re-inventing myself even though I was going to be a single mother (which was never what I would have chosen) and I do feel more in control of my future but I will never understand why he felt the need to give up what he had for someone else. These questions haunt us forever. You may chose to stay or go…they are your options. But understand that there are women out there that your blog has a monumental impact on and they will be standing beside you in whatever you chose. Follow your gut and walk tall…this is your life you are living and no one could ever make this decision for you. XX
Oh Yes he did said:
He’s clearly not capable of telling the truth about his fettish’s. They sound like fantasy his alter ego? But WHY Lie? My question is? You know it’s him! Ughhh! Your gut was right! He wasn’t hiding it? Maybe he thinks having an email emotional affair doesn’t count as “cheating” ?! I would drop this revelation in front of a therapist and see his full reaction. So much to think about. I feel for you, it’s been almost 5 years since D day and it’s been a long road! I am trying to forgive him it’s a daily choice but there’s something I heard from a radio caller a man who had cheated on his wife right when they got married. He said here’s something about cheating “the person who cheated, will never forgive themselves” and “the person who was cheated on, will NEVER Forget” he said for him he was stupid and will never do that again to her! He knows what he almost lost. He said they have been married now 18 beautiful years. If I found out my husband did anything after discovering the affair 5 years ago weather it be her or another I would be done. That promise I made myself!
Do you think you will ever be able to trust him?
Sarah Smith said:
I’m sorry you found this, but good for you for listening to your gut instinct. I feel like with my husband’s affair I never listened to my instincts and deeply regret it, plus not sure my radar even works anymore. I know if I dig into my husband’s accounts online I will too find more than I know. He said he told me everything too, but I know he didn’t. I feel like with him, lieing will always be more important for some reason. I would have to confront my husband if I found what you did. I’m glad you feel calm and can think about what you want to say and do. I found your account over a year ago after I found out my husband had been cheating on me for years: before, during and after my son was born. I have less messages if his affairs, but several xrated videos will forever be burned into my mind (with a whore who was my “friend”). I’m not sure if something old coming up now would make me want to leave, guess it would depend on all the details. My husband currently does tell me more about his sexual desires, and says he would approve of me having extramarital sexual relationships (haven’t taken him up on that offer). I question monogamy constantly, because it seems affairs affect everyone I know. Btw…Fuck that Audrey bitch. I don’t get people who like being the other woman/man… Even more fucked up than the cheater.
I’m so sorry SW. Why don’t they Just tell it all and be done with It! This is such torture and takes you back once again to the sheer agony of ALL THE LIES! I’VE just reacted to your post in an emotional way. I’m really upset for you at the moment. I will calm down and write again later. Strength to you.
It really does suck, Kate. This trickle truth is torture. I will confront him about it because that’s in my nature, but I wish I didn’t have to. SWxo
It’s skeletons. They’re crumbling. If you’re in a good place, do you want to start again in the bad place?. He probably couldn’t handle telling you the whole truth at the time of last bad place knowing your reaction. Maybe let him know that you’ve found them but are not going to analyse as it’s dead. People lie as they can’t handle the hurt they’ve caused. If it was before last affair then the problem in your marriage was earlier than you thought. If you’re both in good place just reassure each other that you’ve put it all behind you x
Yes maybe he couldn’t handle telling the whole truth, but he was asked repeatedly whether that was “everything” and repeatedly lied. Yes he probably knew what SW’s reaction would be and that he would be less likely to keep the relationship. He also may have thought that he was protecting SW from more pain by lying, but I bet he was told that in the end by not revealing the whole story and ‘lying by omission’ he would have less chance of keeping the relationship. It’s a decision only SW can make. I would keep my cool but want answers from him as to why he still concealed this after everything that has happened. SW for sure it is totally up to you what you do next. There is the fact that things are better now, and the kids to think about, but in the end his values, morals and ethics are way different to yours. He was arranging to meet this woman and may have done so….doesn’t sound like just cybersex to me.
Like SW has said in previous posts, no-one in this position has to rush into any decisions, Take time to reflect and if the time feels right to make a change then do it and go into the future knowing you gave it your absolute best.
Thanks, KJ. That’s what I want to do but first I have to quell the anger inside me. SWxo
I’m heartbroken for you. You have to tell him because this is something you can’t keep from him. I would tell him now – ask him to meet you for coffee in a very public place. In fact, as soon as you can – get a a babysitter set up and text or email him at work and say something like I’m in the area let’s meet for coffee here – we need to talk – or on his way home. Get your coffee, sit down and wait for him and then just tell him what happened the other night – very calmly. And let him know that these flood of emotions came up again. I wouldn’t tell him that you looked because it has been tugging on you. I don’t know how you get past that only you and he can work on this and figure this out. But if it’s something you don’t think you can work thru it’s your heart and it’s tough. My heart is breaking for you because like you said it may have been many years ago but he never disclosed this and honestly he had that opportunity to come clean before. Why we he do something like this – so selfish – so deceiving – so wicked? Was it that he was scared of commitment back then when you were pregnant? Are things good right now meaning are you guys connected, on the same wave length, in a good place in your marriage right now? I guess I would want to ask him that also — this time is different. You are stronger than before – BIG TIME – you are mentally prepared to address this and you are a good person. You deserve to be happy with your family to love them unconditionally and to trust deeply. I think the part that is very hurtful is that after all that you guys have been through. Why? Why would he have kept that account open for so so so many years? Why would he have not deleted that email account? It’s like PTSD – trauma – and he just pulled the trigger. Life is complicated. You have stood by your man. Can you continue this way without it comprising your happiness and mental health. It’s very sad and I’m very very sorry. Sending you prayers for comfort and peace.
Darwin Mumma 💔 said:
I don’t understand why males do this, they beg and swear on everything that all has been said and then wack something like this comes about.
I’m so sorry SW it’s not fair it’s now 2yrs on Monday for me and the whore I have to deal with is happy walking around acting like everyone’s best friend
Darwin is too small for this kind of shit…
But this would be so heart breaking if I was in your shoes. I wish I could give u the advice u seek, but ur the one I look to for advise and guidance when things are tough.
Your strong and an amazing women u will know how to tackle this.. it’s not fair but
Sending all my love and support
Darwin Mumma 💔
You see it as an old lie?
It is a fresh lie… because he’s kept it from you for years. How many more lies is he keeping precious to himself?
You are entitled to the truth. ALL of it. Right this very second.
My heart breaks for you…..and for me. Our situations are similar. No proof of a physical affair, but certainly an emotional one discovered by x-rated text message & emails with photos (both ways). My d-day was almost 4 years ago. We did atleast a year of couples therapy and concurrently both saw the therapist individually. Things will never be the same but I have worked so hard to forgive. I will never forget, however. Tho is kills me because even three years later I still think about it (almost) every single day. Some days it’s a fleeting thought, others may be caused by a trigger (like seeing one of the women at the hair salon!) that sets me back days. This post really struck a cord with me because over the last couple of months, I too, have been convinced that there’s no way he just flipped a switch to turnoff his behavior. His phone is way too clean. He took FB off of his phone and says he never gets on it. Then one day I recd a note from a friend asking why my husband send her a secret message thru messenger. I had no idea what she was talking about so I confronted him. Appearing confused too, he opened his phone, opened messenger, which appeared to show that he had not been on messenger for about 6 months. I let it go, but recently discovered the “secret message” function that sends an encrypted message that can disappear after a set period of time, or as soon as it is read (think snap chat) and can only be seen from that specific device. I also discovered the “incognito” search within google that does not record the history of your searches. I have totally convinced myself that these two features alone explain why his phone is so clean, and my mind is swirling with all sorts of crazy thoughts. Now I’m wondering if he has another email acct! Technology today makes it so easy to lie and sneak. But is he?? This is what drives me mad. I get upset with myself for being like this because in every other way he has improved ten-fold. Then I have to remind myself that he is the one that has caused all of this doubt in the first place. My gut is usually never wrong. Part of me wonders if I’m subconsciously hoping to find something – it would prove to myself that I’m not crazy and paranoid, and would make my decision to end this so much easier. I see how you are struggling with this. He had an opportunity to come clean about everything years ago when this erupted …..yet he chose to keep lying, even if it’s an old lie. Desiree said it best: can we continue this way without compromising our happiness and mental health? The answer should be a simple NO…..but it’s never that simple. I’m sorry this major trigger has occurred.
“Part of me wonders if I’m subconsciously hoping to find something – it would prove to myself that I’m not crazy and paranoid, and would make my decision to end this so much easier.” I feel this EXACT same way. I wonder if I’m looking for a way out, if its a gut instinct or just fear.
I have questioned this about myself too:(
I do that too…and deep down I know I am looking for a way out; I just can’t take the decision…
Yikes!! Just reading that made my stomach tighten and my heart race. Brought me back to my D-DAY 😥
Unless you have been thru this mental amd emotional roller coaster it makes no sense to others. I checked my X’s phone for 2 years off & on after the 1st affair (that I knew about!) And when i found out about the next one (the one that changed our lives forever!) I knew in my gut something wasnt right. No matter how much i tried to convince myself, something always felt off. And sure enough he had a run around at work, BUT their relationship went back 6 years. And Thats all im going to say about that..I only needed to say that so I could tell you your not insane or wrong or anything!!!
If your in a good place, then I think you should leave it. You stayed and if you truly believe this is the past. Leave it there.
My point is, your gut knows. If this is going to eat away at your spirit and you really truly cant let it go. I feel so sad for you! I couldnt live that way. We are not made to have hearts of steel. We can forgive, maybe forget. But you have to move on. I hope you can ❤
After D day we had counselling, read books and blogs, talked etc etc and I hoped we could be honest – he vowed he would be from then on. I hoped we could be strong together. I then found another piece of devastating information and it took me right back to the beginning. I didn’t leave but I think it is that particular set of lies ( among many) which means that I can not be fully ” in” the marriage now in the way I hoped I could be. I’m not confident that there are no more lies. I think the thing I want above all else it to be able to be sure that when he says something it will be the truth. Sadly, because of the above, I am not confident no matter how much he protests. So….i am still here but it will never be the marriage it was before D day or the marriage it might have been able to be had he been truthful from, or near, D day. Only you can decide SW whether you feel this is ” old news” which doesn’t change how you feel or if it is too much for you to bear. I wish you strength and resilience.
Not only do I agree that you can’t be ‘in’ the marriage as you were before but I found that it is impossible to think of marriage in the same way. I have spoken to way too many women whose marriages have been rocked by infidelity to believe that very many are actually as strong and happy as they appear. Very often it’s because one spouse is lying and pretending and the other the so busy dealing with the realities of raising a family, work, home, life that they think everything’s okay if stressful until a bomb is dropped on them.
Me, bitter? What gave you that idea?
I’m not trivializing things when I say I am trying to smile more so that the bitterness does not show up in lines in my face!☺ it’s not easy but I think it is another fallout from all if this.
No, I’m not bitter either.
Kate xxxxxto all if us . X
Falling Ash said:
“I think the thing I want above all else it to be able to be sure that when he says something it will be the truth. Sadly, because of the above, I am not confident no matter how much he protests. So….i am still here but it will never be the marriage it was before D day or the marriage it might have been able to be had he been truthful from, or near, D day. ”
Exactly how I feel, Kate. OH continued to trickle-truth, lie and hide information for over 18 months after DDay “to protect me”. All it served to do was make me doubt the truth of anything he says. I am still here, but one more discovered lie would surely be the end for me after nearly 4 years of trying to recover.
Forever Broken said:
Exactly! They are called “Betrayers” for a reason. When they continue to deceive in order to “protect” us, they are exposing their true character and really only attempting to protect themselves. Nothing is really better and nothing has really changed. You can’t move forward in a confident, health relationship. It is only in the truth that the respect and trust can come back- even if the truth hurts for a while. That’s when you can believe that their character is trustworthy- that’s when the healing can begin. Until then- it’s just exhausting mind games. Sending love and support to those struggling!
Lies. These are what break us. Not the physicality, or even the emotionality of affairs. The damned lies. And they just don’t get it.
Sending love, SW xxx
Damn. I still don’t believe that I’ve been told the whole truth. Several details just don’t add up. And when the details don’t add up, its usually because the truth was left out of the equation. He swears I’ve been told the truth. Yet he still tells little white lies (which is how he’s always been and is a family trait). So I wonder, if he can’t be honest about something so trivial, how can I expect him to be honest about anything? I wish there was an easy button to tell you what to do. You just need to do what feels right for you. I’m sorry you are going through this – again. Good luck no matter what you decide.
I don’t think you can ever forgive lies. When I look at the forums it appears we just accept what has happened to us and perceive what existence we are in as a good place. But is it really. What worth do we put upon ourselves. I’m sure some couples really do make it. I’m not sure how and at what place one is in to feel yes that’s it. I’m ok with everything.
I know you can’t hold on to what has happened forever but unfortunately it changes everything about who you are. Who you husband or wife is and your relationship forever. My husband I know has lied for 10 years. Seeing different woman. Going out to
Our special places inviting them to his hotel. Offering weekends away. Sexting, texting emailing. Plus sex with only one he claims. Even though all the messages sent are suggesting sex and on contact with some of these women he wanted sex with them. Plus he claimed I had left him with the kids and he was this doting Dad. Really. He works away whilst I sacrificed my career for his and he lives this double life. You never really feel you have had the truth about it all.
We saw a counsellor for a short while but it didn’t really work as he would not disclose anymore and says it’s not behavioural and he has put a stop button on it and won’t do it again.
So I go on my own. But don’t think it works either. Her words are, he has most likely done for longer. It’s in him and he needs help and you will have to accept the worse case scenario that he is a sex addict and move on.
I have triggers all the time. I have to drive past the last ones office. I have to go past restaurants we visited and loved never to be able to go again as he took them their.
Which I still don’t understand to this day or cat get over.
I also have children who are older but are going through difficult times. So I accept. I stay. I try. He has made an effort and is very nice to me as long as we don’t discuss it. He is more transparent with phone but is he??
I too then found messages that he could not come back for a weekend. He booked a hotel and I found messages to an escort agency.
How far does this deviation go.
The only message I found back was a confirmation he had enquired about meeting at a time.
So also no full disclosure after d day. Ok. They are around the same time as all the messages that I found at the time and he had to disclose but he never mentioned these ones.
So you know there’s more. You know they are capable of the most terrible lies and yet we accept.
I do because I know I can’t fully finance myself and the children. I don’t want to be alone. I have always loved him which is more difficult and he wants to stay.
I’m not sure why as we are not the same in every way. I almost wish he had left as I would have had to find a way to move on. Now I don’t have the strength.
I exist but don’t really live. I manage work, children and a marriage but don’t really feel.
What I do know is there is more to this story but I may never find out but the lies prevent trust.
How do you find a hidden email??
If someone can guide me to a better place in my marriage or life without the excorbinate costs please let me know.
We are not US based. Most things I find of use are US based. My husband thinks the cost is too much at the moment.
So would I do anything about your email found.
I would have to say something as I know it would eat away at me but what outcome you want or get is debatable. Because I find we never really get the answers and outcomes we expect.
You have been an inspiration to me though as have the other individuals in here. Thank you.
blooming shadow said:
Oh no. I’m so very sorry SW. You’ve just reinforced that we should always trust our instincts even though I’ve been trying to convince myself not to.
I’m so sorry for how you must be feeling x
I am nearly 2 years from D day and although we are doing ok I still check his phone/computer…I don’t know what I expect to find but I can’t help but check as I was never sure I knew everything.
Just recently I have decided that I am not going to look anymore because I don’t want to know if there is anything else to know (I never thought I would say that) but I don’t want to break up my marriage over things that happened a long time ago when we were both different people.
I did find out something about a year after d day (a minor incident from years before) and he told me he hadn’t told me because we were in such a bad way after d day that he was convinced I would just end everything if one more thing came out….and I think he may have been right even though I consistently told him all I wanted was full disclosure. (Maybe your husband thought the same ?)
I felt so sad for you as I read your post…you are in a good place now and it has taken you so long to get there that I hope you manage to survive this latest discovery….I think I would have to speak to him about it but I really hope you can get through it together xxxx
Jennifer Coady said:
The same thing happened to me. I did the same thing and stayed calm and forwarded all the messages. I struggled with the same delimma. Things like, “Do I even know who I am married to?” went through my mind. He had a whole different identity I didn’t know about. The only additional problem I found was that the yahoo account was linked to another account with a different alias and that one was apparently used to communicate with the original s**t! He was STILL communicating with her!
First thing I did was find the original s**t’s hushband’s email address. (Thank goodness for multiple social media sources!) Once I verified it was him, I sent every email I had to him and told him that no matter how much it hurt, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would hope he would do the same. He could do whatever he wanted to do with the information I was sending.
Next, I confronted my husband. I didn’t ask if he had any other secrets. I just told him I found the secrets he had neglected to tell me about. He couldn’t deny anything. I won’t lie, it was horrible. He came forth with a lot more than I had found. I tried kicking him out of the house, but he refused to leave. He did move into a different room. I told him if he wanted to even contemplate us staying married he had to find a marriage counselor and an individual counselor. He did follow through with that.
I wish I could say everything is roses now. After 2 years of marriage counseling we have stopped the counseling and he said continuing would be “an unnecessarily expense” for our family. I am in the mindset that I am a single mom. After a lot of counseling I am able to say without guilt that I need to leave him. Mentally I am there. I am just not ready. It is hard to explain, but I am sure you have had similar feelings at one time or another.
Oh I feel your pain.
I also understand about being mentally ready to leave but not quite ready to leave. I was ready to leave in 2015 (1 year after he finally admitted the affair and 2 years after it actually began) I have only filed for divorce. It’s taken me 3 years to take that step…it’s quite hard to explain why. Although if I’m honest, I was hoping for change..a miracle…I didn’t want to break our family apart. 😢
I don’t want to break my family apart either. SWxo
It saddens me read about everyone’s pain. I had no idea that there were so ma y similar stories. My spouse’s emotional affair was discovered last year. Reading through those text messages was earth shattering. It has been an extremely rocky year, trying to get over the pain while trying to reconnect and move forward. We each know our own hearts and what we can and cannot endure.
I just discovered old communications this weekend too. I did bring them up. For the first time I felt that I was heard and that he finally understands the depth of my pain. For now at least I am committed to this. If at some point I find I don’t want to see her or those texts every time I look him, well, I know my options.
I do though wonder what it means for me that I didn’t cry this time or melt when he held me. Resolve or indifference?
I try really hard not to take the mother mentality with my husband – but sometimes it just happens.
I have a strong headed teen who will blatantly stand in front of me and lie. So when I know something I simply get in front of him, remind him that I don’t usually ask questions I don’t already know the answer to, and then ask him what I already know. I’m giving him the opportunity to come clean … but sometimes it works in my favor and I actually learn more in the process.
Why not tell him that innocently you stumbled on some information on his phone from the past. And before you lambast him for it you want to give him the opportunity to clear his conscience all these years later. See what he does with it. Give him the opportunity to “man up” and own his past mistakes.
I like this approach, K. I’m still holding all the cards at the moment. And I fear the hysterical bonding sex had gotten the better of me at the moment…SWxo
Betrayed Bitch said:
I’m curious to see how he responds when you ask him about this, if he admits it and is willing to talk about it that could really help you and show his growth and willingness to change but if starts with the denying, lying and defending that isn’t going to help anything so I hope he does the right thing.
Who knows, I gave him a free pass to tell me everything and he insisted I knew everything. Which I did not. But I’ve already been broken and he cannot break me again. I’m just so disappointed to be learning new information just as we had gotten on track. SWxo
I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Just a couple of months ago (exactly a year after D-day) I discovered that my husband’s affair wasn’t just two months long, but eight months long. Not only did he begin it four months before I got pregnant (that’s significant since he blamed his behavior on the pressure he felt from having to now become a father), but he also continued it for a month after D-day. None of that surprises me, especially not the month after D-day, because he didn’t truly recommit to our marriage until about two months later. He has no idea that I know. I decided not to confront him about it, because the timeline came from messages she sent to him as blackmail to try and get him to come back: “I bet your wife will feel differently about you coming home once I tell her that we were involved for eight months.” She never contacted me. I know her timeline is correct because I can pinpoint the exact day my husband changed, and it was in June, not in October as he claims. I admire you for having the strength and courage to confront him. I am too afraid of the pain I would feel if my husband tried to deny all of this, so I left it alone. I still hope that one day the truth will come out, though I’m sure it won’t come from him. I hope that your husband has matured enough to handle this with remorse and love. You are so incredibly strong. Sending you hugs.
I will discuss it with him. I’m still considering my approach. You are very restrained to have kept it to yourself. SWxo
Forever Broken said:
OH MY!!!- What a blow and just when you were beginning to feel your feet were on solid ground again. I’m so sorry! Don’t we all experience the effects of our husband’s lies and trickle-truth tactics. My husband revealed NOTHING on his own. Only what I could expose. He too offered access to emails and his phone, but I got very good at hacking into work calendars, emails, text messages, and social media accounts- things that weren’t obvious. He had no idea how I was getting access to things he had deleted or no longer had access to himself. (I will never expose my secrets, but it didn’t require any special programs or apps, just my own brains and ingenuity.) But, the honest truth is we shouldn’t have to resort to these measures with the people we love and have an intimate relationship with. Disgraceful!
Shattered Wife, this probably opens old wounds. Just because it happened years ago, the real issue is- DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE MARRIED TO? I told my husband to either become a man of integrity and honor or move on to the next whore who will appreciate his fake life! I want to believe that this new information was a part of your husband’s past while he was avoiding and lying and had been forgotten. I’m hoping he has made real and lasting changes in his life and doesn’t want to continue hurting you. Try to talk to him respectfully (hard I know) about this and see how he responds. How he responds will be very telling. If he has made real, authentic change, he won’t attempt to make excuses, become defensive, or lie about it. If he resorts back to his old ways, consider setting boundaries and being firm- because he obviously hasn’t really changed and continues to protect himself over your well-being. Good Luck- Hoping for the best! – Forever Broken
St. Elsewhere said:
What an absolute bastard! (Sorry if that is not how you feel)
He only revealed what he could because he was caught, and hid what was sucked out. This is not commitment to full disclosure.
My question is: What are YOU doing now? Have you confronted him already? Are you sure that he had two back to back affairs at the same time, and nothing before and after it?
I really do know that if my husband tries a next time on me, there will not be a next time or forgiveness for it. I will have no qualms walking out on the marriage.
Natalie Doil said:
I think you should confront him about it. I don’t think starting with a clean slate with secrets counts. I think if he has stayed there it is because he loves you and he wishes things were different. Yes, what he did is so bad no excuse, but sometimes (out of experience) as hard as it was to digest and cope with that my husband was a porn addict and that is in the area of sex addiction you have to (don’t HAVE to it’s up to you).. well.. need to see things from a different perspective for your own mental health’s sake. I’m sorry you found more, all of us who have been there can understand the mental fuck. If he won’t come clean about it then he hasn’t really changed.
I would absolutely break him. I’d scorch earth his life. Here is why: you went through 4 years, all that hurt, all that sadness, for what? A cheating bastard to hide a second affair? All that therapy he lied all the way through.
I’d burn his life down round him and take absolutely everything I could through the courts. He wouldn’t have nothing but a mattress left if this was me.
He lied through 4 years of your pain. And he knew it too. To your face.
That’s not where I am anymore, Ian.
Trickle truths, half truths, lie and you always get found out. I wish I had a magic wand to take the pain away. Be strong. Stand your ground.
Thank you for sharing your stories here… Few year after my second child, my husband started getting secretive. he was always so open with sharing information on anything and everything with me…He started making excuses to spend more time away from the house leaving me to deal with both kids on my own. i had a hunch that he may be cheating but i could not tell anyone about my suspicions. so i went on to hire an online hacker (firstname.lastname@example.org) to help get into his phone in order to know whether or not it was all just in my head.. The results i got were heart wrenching. He had open several accounts online as a single man trying to connect with different women.. my whole world came crashing down, i could not stand been around him anymore because of the type of anger i felt towards him.. i was angry, bitter vindictive, i cried every single day trying to understand where everything went wrong.. it took me a few months before i was able to summon the courage to confront him… Although i ended up getting a divorce, i had no regrets seeking help to find out the things that i did. i was glad i got someone to hack into his phone because that was all the motivation i needed to leave that marriage.. i am happier now, taking each day as it come and working towards been a stronger person.