This is the Rant Wall. This is your place to come and vent about anything and everything.
Just discovered your spouse is cheating?
Want to have a scream at the whore?
Feel the need to share your story, seek advice, or simply offload?
This is your space.
Do with it what you will.
This is the Rant Wall. This is your place to come and vent about anything and everything.
Urgh where to start! Short and sweet I’m 2years 7month out and am having a bad week of it this week. I hate my husband with a passion the anger I have inside is eating away at me. Certain things trigger it I’m on the whole mostly good and try not to let it get the better of me but this week grrrrrrr!!
Hello Lostme14, well done on being the first brave soul on the Rant Wall. I’m about a year ahead of you in recovery, but even a year ago, I had anger simmering inside. I honestly don’t think it ever leaves. The only way to get past it and not grow bitter is to either forgive or move on. Thank you, drop by any time to rant. SWxo
Forever Broken said:
Dear Lostme14 and shatteredwife- I am 17 months past D-Day. I have not been able to move past the pain of the betrayal. I’m struggling with triggers, so your post reminds me that I’m not alone. This weekend my husband had to leave town for an over-night work meeting in the same town he had a long-lasting emotional affair. Also while he was having this affair, he avoided sharing his life and became very secretive and distant. Of course, this recent work meeting is a huge trigger for me. He promised to call and stay connected as much as possible and reassured me that he would “keep me close” while he was away. Even promising to FaceTime me during the event so I could see where he was and to help me feel comfortable. I never heard a word during the 3 hour event. He did make some effort to text me before and after the event, but very little communication and certainly not to the level that he had promised. He never asked how I was doing and seemed only into his own “fun” at the event. I felt abandoned and felt he didn’t keep his promises to help me cope with something he knew would be a struggle for me. I had major anxiety all night and called him the following morning when I had not heard from him. I’m so angry and feel he still can’t be trusted. I don’t believe he did anything wrong while he was away, but I thought he cared enough to be sure I was doing OK and to keep his promise to include me in this entire process. I’m so hurt and disappointed- ONCE AGAIN!
This isn’t a rant, more of a few little pieces of advice for anyone who has just caught their spouse cheating. From a spouse who has caught their wife mid affair.
1) You are going to be angry, hurt, humiliated, sad, lost, spinning wildly between hate, hurt, fear and sorrow. This is ALL every moment, absolutely natural.
I went through it all after finding condoms in my wifes nursing uniform after her night shift. Life explodes. Literally, right there, and you won’t ever, ever forget that moment. Ever. Not even time can heal that one. It dulls it, but doesn’t heal it. 3 years on, nah, not even one step to dulling g that disgusting tearing pain.
TAKE EACH DAY, EACH HOUR AS IT COMES, AND DON’T EVER, EVER BOTTLE IT UP OR IT WILL KILL YOU DEAD INSIDE. Let that emotional explosion out. Healthily, if you have kids, send them out for the day, then let that cheating bastard / whore have it loud and true. Don’t get physical, but do let every single word flow like a rain of daggers into their soul.
2) Realise that what ever you had, is dead. Dead. Forever dead. It can never come back, it can never be made ‘As it was’, it cannot even be repaired. That entire slice of your life, is, dead. Part of the pain comes from mourning for what you had. But here is the kicker: What you thought you had was a lie. A great, big, cheating lying filthy two faced lie. Don’t feel bad for falling for that lie, because, and this is important to remember, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING.
3) DON’T RUSH TO FORGIVE THEM BECAUSE YOU FEAR BEING ALONE
You may want to have lots and lots of sex with them. Google ‘Hysterical bonding’….This isn’t love, this isn’t a realisation they / you are meant to be, it is a simple survival mechanism hardwired into us to go all out in order to keep our mate in our bed. Realise this, and realise you are worth more. Much much more.
4) GO DO SOMETHING CRAZY THAT SCARES YOU
Yeah, you want that back pack holiday? You want that sky dive? You want that offered job overseas? Take it. Take it and grow, grow your own life, let it spring forth out of the ashes that you stand in on discovery day. Build some thing, create some thing, go some where….
THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN. Do what you want to do, how you want to do it. Then? When you done that? Do another scary thing. And another….
Then realise how much you have to offer the world as just you. That unique, beautiful you.
Me? I was abused for 16 years. Yes, domestic abuse. Severe terrible soul crushing domestic abuse that took my job, my family and my life away from me. Then the abuser sought out an affair, and when I held that condom out, crying with rage, she looked at me and said “It’s just sex, I don’t see what you are so bothered about”….
My revenge? I sat down, and did some thing I always wanted to do, for me, chased my dream. I wrote a novel. Three actually, a trilogy. The best thing of all? I did it, and there wasn’t that constant, chattering flow of degrading snide comments as I did so.
5) Reach out. Realise you are not alone, and come find us. We are here, we are everywhere, and the best thing of all? In your darkest hour, you will find a million bright torches of soul, all ready to offer every single word of advice they have in order for you to rise up again.
6) Love yourself. You deserve it. Double deserve it. With cherries on top.
Thank you, Ian. SWxo
I’m so pleased you have moved to a better place. I’m not sure if it is easier for men to move on or not. But there is fear of loss. Fear of being alone. Fear of the age you are and not meeting someone again or even wanting to. Plus children. Fear of their loss and the changes they will have to face. One is at a critical time with exams.
The AF never thinks of all of this. My H tells me he has made a big mistake. Took me for granted. Does not want to lose me. Has cried and begged me to stay. But the past 6 years he was seeing different women. Ended up sleeping with one (1 I found out about anyway. The ones I managed to get hold of said no but he had wanted to but they found out he was married and moved on, I can’t get hold of all).
As you can imagine. Those lies, needs for others are soul destroying. Especially when you had a full happy marriage.
I have some ok days. But not a day goes by I don’t cry. Why am I good enough now?? Plus financially I can’t just up and leave yet even if I wanted to. I have been sucked away and have been left with an empty shell and unwanted emotions.
Good luck with your future. I’m glad you have made the decision to stand up for what you want.
No, moving on for me was painful beyond words until the day I woke up and realised that I was worth way, way more. I had nothing. I mean absolutely nothing, I lived in a homeless shelter… that’s how low my life got.
Restarting is hard, but it sets you free in so many ways.
Thank you for sharing this.
Today I hate my husband. We are 3 months past dday. He owns his own business, has two male employees, and a secretary. He has a service business, so there was never a need to work from his shop everyday. It is just a storage place for parts, but I never questioned the need to have a secretary to enter in his stuff. His shop is 20 minutes from home. I stay home and homeschool our three kids. The homewrecker started in May 2015. He never introduced us, because again, he said the guys were never at the shop and he told me she was in her fifties (older than us). Her husband called Oct 2015, accused my husband of sleeping with her, my husband said the man is crazy (he is, is in jail for a few years now), I found out she is a year older than me, I told him to get rid of her because I will have doubts about them, he and another worker called me the next day saying they felt sorry for her because she has four kids. So he kept her. Fast forward to January 23 of this year, I had a dream they were having an affair. He locked me out of all emails but I got into phone records. 2,220 text messages between them from Dec 24, 1,430 minutes they talked, and 18 days he was at the office. On those days he would send me texts saying he was somewhere else. He left that night, came back 4 weeks later. He is telling me that they only kissed and he just text someone he shouldn’t. I confronted her, and she looks like a meth head, my husband was there and he kept telling me he only wants me. I told him again she has to go. She said she would file a lawsuit just like she did at her other two jobs where she was accused of the same thing. That was three weeks ago. I told my husband 12 days ago in another fight that she has to go. He said to give him a week to tell her and another two for her to train someone. Three days ago in another “argument” I asked if he was actually going to stick to his word, he said he thought about it. Then he expects me to just forget about it each day!!! He still refuses to answer questions telling me to stop living in the past. The fact that he tells me he wants me should be enough. Tomorrow is my birthday and I thought to look at the phone records from a year ago. On my birthday he had spent half a day with her and called her all through the day. While he was on his way home with a cake he bought me, he talked to her for 40 minutes. Then immediately takes me to go look at land to buy. WTF?!?! Then today I find out that he stopped by the shop. Granted, he had another guy with him, but it’s the fact that she is still there. This trash still sits there only entering in receipts (literally all she does) getting paid by my husband, having him still buy her lunch, buy her beer, overpay her. Seeing what I am typing makes me wonder what is wrong with me?!? This man has devasted me, rejected me, and continues on a daily basis because he won’t let her go. I have been driven to counseling, sleepless nights, and having a hate inside that I never had before. Sorry this is a rambling post, but I really had to rant. He wants to take me to dinner tomorrow but I know all I’ll be thinking about is what he did on that day last year. FML
If a person cannot respect that they hurt you to the core of your soul, and doesnot cut the affair party out of their life? Yeah, time to move right along on.
I feel so sorry for you, it’s an absolute nightmare of a place to be. No one can ever, ever, in all their life, have the words to describe how utterly soul destroying it is.
Hey, it’s a rant wall, ramble on for as long as you like! I had so many bad days at around the 3 month mark, so I understand your pain.
It hurts that we fell for their lies and deceptions. It makes us feel completely stupid.
I can relate to the insomnia and the absolute boiling anger. It turns you into someone you don’t recognise. I’m 3.5 years out now, but some feelings don’t subside.
It’s a rocky road, but believe me when I tell you that you’ll eventually get to a point where it doesn’t dominate every waking minute… And every sleeping minute….
I also have three kids and my youngest was just a few weeks old when my selfish prick of a husband decided to begin an affair.
But I turned my life around and you can too.
Unfortunately, time is the only remedy.
Dear Rejected Wife, you deserve better, much better. Happy Birthday, I hope next year it will be a truly happy Birthday whatever you decide to do. I am sorry you are in so much pain. One thing for sure is she needs to go! Good luck x
I would love to reach out for advice and support as nearly 6 months in and in a bad place. Nothing feels the same anymore. I’m totally dead inside. I just go through day to day motions to keep kids safe from it all.
I have read your blog from start to finish with tears in my eyes. I would love to email my story for your take on it and any advice through this journey. Where are you now in your journey. Any affair site I have read (Lots) even 3-4 years in staying with AP the relationship never returns to where it was. The devestaion infidelity cause is tremendous. Email to follow.
Hi KS, I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to reply to your first message before you sent me a second!
What I would have said was please read this entire blog from the beginning, including the comments. There are hundreds and hundreds of comments and many are hugely supportive.
I will check my email.
Forever Broken said:
Love this rant page! I am 15 months from D-Day! I am still completely pissed and angry! My husband swears he was never in a full-sexual affair and I don’t have that evidence, but I know plenty and know he was presenting himself as single and available guy and picking up women- if he found them attractive. Forgetting he had a wife of 30 years and 3 children still living at home. He was out drinking with buddies (he rarely drank around me) and being deceitful about where he was and what he was doing. So, how do you decide to trust someone like that again- NEVER! The only reason he has decided to “find himself” and stop this behavior is because he got caught – not because of some moral standard he holds dear. So again, am I controlling his stupid behavior or does he really want to be a better man? Who knows? At 50 years old, I don’t really want to start over, but have no faith in a man I thought I knew so well. When we were younger, he had episodes that should have been warning signs to me, but I was naïve and wanted to believe he loved me and wanted me. Thought it was just immaturity on his part. He also has a childhood sexual assault in his past and I believe that affects his self-esteem and his destructive behavior. He is a successful architect and can hold it all together most of the time. However, I realize now that he is just good at deception and I wonder how much he has hidden from me. I want to believe he can be a good and loving person, but am losing hope and faith in this man. While he may have some excuses for his behavior, there is no excuse to hurt the people you claim to love. I have been reading a good book about boundaries, (Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend) and am ready to walk if he can’t be the man I need. Anyone have experience on childhood sexual assaults and if I should be more compassionate or save myself and walk away from his empty promises?
Only you can answer whether you should walk or stay. But he sounds like a serial cheater to me. That’s the kind that doesn’t want to change, which means he won’t change for you either. My opinion only. Sorry, it sucks, I know. I have 3 children too. SWxo
I’m going to have a rant. As a man, when I say “I’m divorced, and…” I every single time get a knowing nod and smile and that comment that boils my blood “Ohhh get caught did ya?”
So yesterday in a crowded family gathering when that comment was made to my face, I took a fork, dinged my wine glass and stood up on a chair. I then proceeded to tell my entire family I was the vintimate of a sustain 14 years of mental, emotional and monetary domestic abuse.
I then thanked them for a lovely dinner and accepted their best wishes for my up and coming trilogy. After I got off the chair, I walked out.
When I say I believe in monogamy, I mean it. I am a 1000% all in type of.person and I invest every photon of my being into you. Im not needy, clingy, suspicious. … I’m gentle, open, loving, protective and kind.
I just happened to be divorced because I was the victim of domestic abuse. Who then had the final humiliation of finding condoms in my washing machine whilst doing my now ex wifes uniforms for work.
To every person who has been cheated on, a raised glass. May your future be bright and beautiful.
Thanks, Ian. What a powerful and cathartic offloading that must have been. I bet you left a quite a few people stunned. Has anyone contacted you since then to say something to the effect of ‘wow, I had no idea…’? SWxo
Yes. My ex wife is a devious manipulative actress. She is in the nursing profession and hides her snake like coldness behind this carefully manufactured facade.
My friends have never figured out why I left nursing studies in my second year, as I was a high flying A and B+ type with glowing reports. So I told them all the truth. Every last moment of hurt, pain and humiliation, including the months living in a homeless hostel as I pieced together a life that wasn’t involving being a daily emotional, mental and monetary punch bag for her.
The silence was absolute. The sad thing is, one of the guests at the event was a former nursing mentor of mine who used to work alongside side my at the time wife. Her ema hurt me so, so badly. Here is why, and I quote “Every day and night she would sit and bitch and moan about you, how she hated life with you, how horrible you were, and yet, there you were, cooking food for our night shifts, bringing it in for us all to enjoy joy, and then we met you as a nursing student. We all felt terrible, but none of us dared say anything. After what you told us all today, I wish, I wish so badly that we had. I feel so guilty, and I am so, so sorry I said nothing.”…. Yeah, that hurt. Every one knew how bad she hated me bar me.
Every one. They all knew. She would sit and tell every one who would listen, a d then? Would sit and boast about her affair and how clever she was, and how dumb I was and how I was too thick to ever catch her…
Hence, my epic near melt down at the gathering. I’ve just had enough of people thinking I did anything wrong. All I did was love, honour, cherish, and try to better myself so we could have a great future together.
Dropping by to say hi, hope you are holding on and rising g like a phoenix out there!
Thought of you today whilst sat by the river, watching the waters flown past, mulling over life, fate, choices, the greatest of times and the worst of hurts. So here I am dropping by to say hi.
SW…are you okay? Where have your last posts gone…Has L contacted you….? LuckyMolly xx
I deleted them. I will post an update.
But are you okay? xx
Yes. And thank you for asking. 🙏💜
i read all of your posts-everyone’s. I’m 34 now…I’ve posted myself, about my 15 year relationship with who I thought was my soul mate…from 15 to 30. He was all I ever knew; he was my entire adult life. He was a wonderful, beautiful person and for 14 of those years I enjoyed the bliss of complete trust. He moved in to a new job, pressure was too much for his shy character, started to turn to the wrong crowd. Little did I know he’d started to take cocaine. My wonderful, amazing boyfriend; the love of my life; my complete reason for breathing and being…taking cocaine. It was so sad, He changed into a monster as if overnight – cold, heartless and just void of the person he was. Him dying would have been less painful. Instead I could see him and I could hear him. I could hear him say he most pain inducing words – it was over, he didn’t want me anymore and it was all my fault. Then a little light would shine through and he’d fall to his knees crying holding on to me, sobbing that he was sorry, sorry for what he’d put me through, that he knew he’d broke me and how could he do that to the most amazing woman he knew.
The truth is, he had broken me – completely. He had abandoned me, left me in our home that just felt empty. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs listening to the silence, feeling the void that consumed me. I was here, in our home that we were, or so it seemed, so happy in. He had left me and I didn’t know what to do. Our huge bed, I’d turn over and it was empty. The bed became my torture chamber, where I’d cry myself to sleep, recoil in agony and lie and hope that I would just die. I’d fall asleep exhausted only to be woken with the burst of adrenaline that soured from my chest and over my entire body like a wave – I remember thinking, this is what heartache feels like.
I had no money though I worked hard. He had sent it all on his new ways. My mum would come round and fill my fridge whilst I was at work. I was losing weight fast, I ate nothing. Nothing at all. The pain and emptiness I got from not eating was the only bit of release and control I had. If had to eat, say with a friend, I would crazily throw it back up again. Making myself sick was my new routine that helped me to feel…feel…I’m not sure what but it was something other than pain or nothing at all. I ate a few mouthfuls a day and that came up like I’d swallowed poison. I lost 2 and a half stone rapidly and I was already very slim to begin with. My new tiny frame was the new me – I was small, I felt tiny I felt so small that I sometimes was able to pretend that I no longer existed. Before long, bulimia became my new world and I still suffer even four years on.
I never retaliated. Even on the particularly bad occasions where he beat me, I remember seeing the fists as if in slow motion. He had never laid a finger on me before this. It didn’t hurt, it was just unusual, surreal to have him grab my hair on both sides of my head and have him bash my head into the wall. Leaving bite marks and lying to my colleagues at work was easier than you’d think. Even my own dad, who came in to me sat amidst a mess of chairs, tables and goodness knows what else was laid across the room, said nothing. He had no idea I’d been sat there for an hour unable to move. He couldn’t see the saucer size bumps coming up under my hair, but I could feel them. He didn’t know that my body felt like it had been in a car crash, tense from being thrown from one side of the room to the other. Instead he silently helped me to pick thinks up and rearrange the room to some kind of normality, and then he left.
You see, he’d done the same to someone else’s daughter and that person was my mum. I remember the arguing and the sounds of things smashing and I remember the ‘her’ being spoken about. The other woman. I didn’t know who she was but I knew I was six years old and I hated her. Of course there was another woman involved in my case too. Although, she really was just part and parcel of the fuck-up his life had become. Deep down in his heart, he knew he had already broken us, killed us, betrayed us…he hadn’t done it to me – he did is to ‘us’.
It was painful lying in bed at night knowing that he was with her. The pain was so enormous that I had no room to feel the hurt of having my bank account emptied time and time again for his drug and drink fuelled binges, or taking her out for meals and to places that I could not afford to go. She was a divorcee with two children working limited hours to receive a disposable income that I could only dream of even working 60 plus hours per week. But I had worked hard for my profession, even though it was slowly beginning to slip through my fingers faster than the rest of my life.
She was obese and didn’t look after herself. You’d think that the number of people coming to me to tell me they’d seem them together and what a mess she looks would make me feel better – no, it just confused me all the more. For all of the cheating women that come onto this site and say: women get cheated on because they’re boring, staying at home, not paying attention to their men and letting themselves go – I was the opposite to that cruel stereotype. Attractive, wonderful figure, a first class honours student, confident and working as a professional with no children, unmarried and happy-go-lucky.
I did try to fathom the logic, but soon realised that warped ideology was not my thing and I continued to be real to myself. He said a lot of nasty things to me, once I had a whole barrage of abuse hurled at me in between being spat at several times. Literally being spat on like a piece of rubbish. Even then I didn’t retaliate. Above everything though, I specifically remember him at least trying to justify what he had chosen her over me. After telling me that I was destined to do nothing but be successful in my life, he said that this meant that I had standards and so expectations of the person I’m with. That’s when it clicked and the realisation set in when he went on to explain, these exact words: she lets me do what I want when I want and she cannot believe that anyone as good looking as me would have anything to do with her. That’s when I realised what drugs really do to a person and that I was now dealing with a complete socio and psychopath all rolled in to one complete cretin.
Probably the saddest thing about the whole situation was losing my dog. He had been there when I’d sobbed into his fur, when I was sad and sat…he would sit with me. Our home was my childhood home, the one my mum and dad had brought me home to when I was born. My mum had sold it to us to help us to get onto the property ladder. I remember how excited he was, he wanted to get married and have children and bring them up in that house. He proposed to me at the end of Santa Monica pier on the year it celebrated its 100th birthday. We’d flown from London for a two week break. He’d hold me and tell me how beautiful I was, dance with me and cradle me, telling me how happy he would be to see me walk down the aisle and to eventually see our baby be born. I felt every single word. Where had he gone? So many times I sat holding the bottle of tablets, wanting to take them; imagining that I had and that I would just leave the pain. I’d lie and imagine that the man I knew came into the room and lay behind be holding me and saying all of this was a nightmare. I wanted him back so much, I looked into his eyes and searched for him, holding his face trying to find him…but empty eyes starred back and he was not there anymore. The man I knew and loved had gone and I mourned him.
I signed the house over to him, I wanted the dog that had been there for me though my hardest times to have a home. We had rescued him and I didn’t want him to lose his home. He loved my ex and so I let the house go and the car also. It took several agonising months for the legal work to pass. He’d come back from time to time, mainly during the night, probably to check that I hadn’t got anyone else. He’d lie with me and sob and I just didn’t know what to say, he’d stroke my face and say sorry. Sometimes he’d ask to see my body, saying that she didn’t do anything for him in that sense. I’d look at him like he’d lost his mind and, how do you even write this, he … forced himself on me and all I could do was cry. Imagine the pain, the person you loved and who adored you for 15 years rapes you in your own bed. It happened on a few occasions and I was just left like the time before.
I promised myself I’m not going to let this stop me from trusting and giving my all to another man. I promised that, though it seemed impossible I would love again. Unfortunately, I’ve had two relationships since and I’ve been hurt let down and betrayed. Neither times felt as bad as the first, but sadly that’s because I’m used to that feeling. Now I’m single and I don’t ‘feel’. I don’t cry and I don’t have emotions. I feel strong like no one can hurt me. I got a new job, moved away and have a beautiful new home. I’ve made lots of new friends and even bought myself a new car. I’m happy.
I met a new man in January, he’s much older than me and is mature and just … understanding … he knows why I am like I am and I don’t feel pressured by him. He has two older children and by all accounts seems like such a lovely dad. When I’m with him, he makes me feel like I have everything I need. But I’m happy on my own for now and we will see where is leads
Molly, this is just awful. The violence sickened me – as if dealing with the affair wasn’t soul-destroying enough.
What a miserable, heart-crushing time you’ve been through. Now that your are on the other side, how do you feel, looking back at what you put up with? You are stronger in your soul, but hardened in your heart. Many of us relate to your inability to feel. I hope this new man gives you some hope. God knows you need it. Love and strength to you. SWxo
It has been a little over a year since d day. After some time apart we reconciled. I don’t get angry anymore, but I can’t stand it when I see the ow and she looks at me in a weird way. I don’t know – is it guilt or triumph. I hope it is guilt but somehow I don’t think so. When he used to go to her workplace she says “hi stranger, hows the kids?” I scream at him she has no right to ask how my children are. He no longer goes there if her car is in the car park. I will never understand why her, she is nothing like me
Why her? Gosh, we’ve all asked threat question, haven’t we? Why her? She’s older/uglier/fatter than me. What does she possibly have that I don’t?
The answer is simple. She gave him attention that at a time he felt he needed it.
My husband used to discuss our kids with the whore, too. And I blew up at him over it. How dare he?!
A year after D-Day is a curious time to reconcile. I hope it continues to go well for you. For me, the second year after D-Day was much worse than the first. Sending you love.💓 SWxo
Hurting momof2 said:
I’m so angry at the bitch and my hubs. I have 2 children, girls, who adore their daddy. And he is a good dad, really good. But he cheated and exploded our normal world. He has no idea the ongoing pain it has caused. And now I’m mad at myself for sticking by him for my kids. I honestly feel that this is right for them, but mad that I feel like I’m letting him get away with it. I’m there for them, and I want their lives to be as normal as possible. I came from divorced parents, and vowed to never have my children grow up that way. My anger is all over the place. I look at him and think of him with disgust as we continue to try to repair what he has broken.
Forever Broken said:
Dear Hurting and others on this site, I feel for you! I am 1 1/2 years from my D-Day and I still have regular breakdowns (every 3-4 days). I’m slowing getting better, but still struggle with the constant pain and insecurities that come from infidelity. My husband didn’t actually “cheat” but had a long-term emotional affair, but it still hurts like HELL!
This book (Sacred Marriage by Gary L. Thomas) helped me put my husband’s lies and betrayal into perspective so that I might try and kind-of live with his “mistakes”. I really wanted to keep my marriage together for my 3 children and because I had invested 30 years with this man, who I thought was my best friend. I know now that it was a fake marriage that only I honored. I feel so stupid. I struggle with hating myself and feeling completely ashamed of myself for staying with my loser husband. I feel like a desperate, pitiful woman to stay with someone who didn’t value me. He is making every effort to fix the situation now, but I do not trust or respect him and don’t want to be fooled again. The book is helping and I recommend it for all marriages- good or bad. I hope it can help you too.
So happy to have this community of supporters. This blog is real and raw and provides so much comfort when you know others listen and understand. Sadly, too many people know the pain of infidelity. Good Luck!
Hello Forever Broken, this is why I’m a little skeptical when people tell me they have reconciled after only a year. The second year, in many ways, is worse. But well done on staying and trying to work through things with your husband. It’s fucking hard! Children are not an insignificant thing to consider. Sometimes their needs need to come before yours. I wish you love and happiness. Drop by any time. SWxo
Mary Rutkowski said:
Did this blog end… haven’t seen posts since June 2017. Am I missing something? Miss it. You are inspiring. Thank you and where are you?? I am 14 months since d-day… our daughter marries this weekend (thank God to a woman!) but I’m feeling sad and worried and resentful because I know I’d be in better state of mind if I had never known about his affair. If this affair had never happened and came to light, I’d be much happier about everything and happier for my daughter. A lot of people coming to the wedding know my husband cheated on me and our marriage and our marriage’s lifespan is very, very uncertain but they will be there to support our daughter and her new martial state. But I feel very suspect about marriage in general – always did – and now this confirms it – his affair. And yes, I’m finding the start to second year harder in a new way – why? Well, thru therapy and by joining Al Anon (3 months ago, no- my husband is not a drinker but my dad was alcoholic – (and guess who we make our best and worst decisions for a partner/spouse based on if we are heterosexual??? – you got it – dear old dad), I’m realizing now how much work I have to do on me before I can make a rational decision on whether to stay and try to save or leave this marriage. My husband was cheating w/low life new change-of-career teacher with criminal record who cheated on her first husband and is currently cheating on her second husband. She is from TX and paid her own way to travel to Boston in summer of 2016 to get screwed like the whore she acted like – by my husband. They had an emotionally and sexually charged affair for 15 months – texting, sexting, emails – before it became physical. Our young adult daughter was fighting cancer and our teen son is on autism spectrum – while he was doing all of this. We’ve been married 20 years and together 28. Nice huh?? Great example for his kids, right? Im here for them and to try to put myself back together. I was basket case for much of the first year. His affair w/her – Angela Preuss Parman McNutt (she goes by all her names because of her criminal record and because she doesn’t seem to know how to live in one place for more than a year or so… chronic mover means what – doesn’t pay her bills) – came to light on July 10th, 2016 and my life changed forever that day. He lied, manipulated, denied and lied so more for weeks. Our son ended up hospitalized for suicidal ideation due to our marriage being in wreckage and my tattered mental state. We are both doing a bit better. My state of mind is better in some way and worse in others – now because I’m not directing my anger at him so much – I’m directing it inward at myself. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. I have a knot in my stomach of pain and acid reflux now that I’m not venting at him. And I’d still like to destroy his AP. The only good thing – we are having good sex – really good. But I am still not sure I can ever want to live w/someone and give my trust to someone who would do this. Oh, and of course, they didn’t use safe sex practices so a year of STD testing has passed. And yes, we had to serve her w/a cease and desist letter to keep her away from us because of course, because he promised her the moon, she reached out again to him. She clearly thought they had a future and he clearly led her to believe that. Oh, and you can bet she’s looked at his linkedin account and that his very high six figure salary was of interest to her. I’m still convinced she picked him because he looks so much like her current spouse that she may have been planning w/him to blackmail my husband but I accidentally caught them before she could. Her husband may have even been in on it – yes, she’s still married. He has record too. It goes on and on. You just can’t make this crap up. Peace to all, MER
Hi Mary, thank you for your kind words. I don’t know how I am inspiring, but I’m glad to hear this blog has been helpful for you!
No, this blog hasn’t ended. I’ve been taking some time out to just ‘be’.
I’m still with my husband but I no longer feel the same way about him.
I’m so glad to know that nothing ( even more) awful has happened to you. I’ve missed your posts which are supportive and resonate with so many of us in this position. I hope you are doing ok and coping. So sad and sorry to hear you’ve felt very alone. Come back ! – Kate. X
Congratulations to your daughter on her marriage! I no longer get excited about weddings either, mostly because I now know things don’t end with happily ever after. So sorry to hear about your husband’s crack whore slut. Thank goodness you are safe from any nasty STDs – that could have worked out way differently. Thank you for reaching out to me. I’ve felt so very alone lately. SWxo 💓
Thanks for replying about my daughter’s wedding.. I’m trying to use a new name here… didn’t realize our names were posted. I didn’t see you had replied til now. Now about 16 months into the DDay life; nothing will ever be the same. It’s not the same marriage… some things are a bit better but a lot are not and it will never be the same. For now, I’m staying for my disabled son. He’s struggling in start of HS and I can’t add any more stress to his life. We are both trying but it’s not the same. I am insisting on post nup to protect me financially since I now know he can do this to me. Why do you stay shattered wife?? You sound so strong… what keeps you with your husband… the good and bad of it. Thanks, MM
It was two years ago and I can barely leave my home still. The whore is a mini celebrity in our city. Her photographs are everywhere. Everything in my life is ruined. The worst part is it was an ex girlfriend. His first love. I can’t go to subway now because I know she likes subway. I can’t like certain songs because I know they used to sing them at karaoke (it’s a Facebook world). I want to bleach my hair because she has brown hair too. My husband told her that he loved her butt. I hate my butt. It’s small. I hate my body it has birthed two children and she’s a beauty queen (literally). How can I keep going like this? I want to move. I want to disappear. I hate everything.
This isn’t my blog, but I suffered this 3 years ago today. 3 years. The advice I have comes from being sat where you are sat: Hating everything.
My first advice is ‘Do something new.’ Totally new. A hobby or past time that takes you out of your ‘normal’ and jumbles life up a bit. From that one new hobby ornpast time, build others. Build and spin and build and spin until a year later your life is unrecognizable to the you sat here and now.
Next up? Celebrate your motherhood. Yep, celebrate your two children. Celebrate with them, celebrate behind their backs , but all the while cherish and hold dear the body that brought them into this world. It’s unique, wonderful, special, treasured beyond words by your children as you are irreplaceable.
After that? Undertsand that this period of life too shall pass. You will always carry these scars – me? My hearts scarred physically and so are my bones from years of abuse. A decade and a half of it to be frank. But, at three years post D day? I write, I dance, I took up photography, I learned to value myself, learned to value every single day, taking it as a treasured gift never to be seen again. So I got all my anger out, went to the doctors and got help, and started life all over again.
It was scary, oh yeah, sure was, terrifying empty stomach feeling to be honest, but? Now I look in the mirror and love me. I don’t care my ex had an affair, that’s gone. It’s in the past. I don’t care her abuse caused me to lose my hearing through stress, I got help and hearing aids. I don’t care a single piece about the past because I’ve accepted it happened, I accepted my life, like yours , has changed forever.
Love yourself for being you, care for yourself so your children see you shine, and in a years time? I hope you, like me now, don’t care about the past. It’s gone, and nothing we can ever do can change it, but? What we do now can and.does change the future. Embrace that. Live again.
I’m happy to see you again, Ian. SWxo
Thank you – and I am happy to see you again.
I was sat at the therapist and told them all about you and how your words helped me. She said I should repay that kindness a thousand fold.
So, here I am. Hopefully with something, anything, even just a few words to help those who come here seeking for directions in what is frankly the shittiest time in their lives, ever.
Thank you for this island.
“It gets better. I promise. For now though? Let me hold your hand and walk along this dark path of sheer pain and misery with you. Together we shall get to the light.”
Words I heard from my therapist after I admitted that my wife’s affair had shattered my soul.
Day 1 to year 3. It gets better. I promise you this. You will be changed forever, you will be battered, bruised, span round till you want to curl up and cry.
But you will see the light again. I promise.
I was helped by this blog. It’s a life saver. Thank you isn’t enough, but it all I have.
Thank you 💗
Last night I finally got my husband to do a chronology with me. He’d been digging in his feet for almost 4 months but last night … he came clean. I knew just about everything … and everything else was just an extended version of what I knew … I’m trying to let it just be facts and not let it pull me back into the dark abyss. But it’s harder now than 4 months ago as I’m also dealing with pregnancy hormones (damn hysterical bonding) … I want to believe him. I want to believe myself in that I can tell when I struck nerves last night and when I needed to keep in that direction. I feel like he’s being totally honest with me but can’t help but thinking “is this just the icing on the cake?” Like so many before me, I just want this to be fixed, for us to be healed, and not 2, 3, 10 years from now … but NOW!
There is no fast fix. Believe me, I know. I suffered badly, really, really badly. The mind is it’s own fortress of solitude, and it will throw you for loops you don’t even know exist yet.
But… If you want to fight for your marriage, then sit down, and admit to yourself in the mirror that this shit gets worse before it gets better but you want to.ride this storm out. Only you can decide if it is worth it. No one else. Only you.
My prayers, kind thoughts and best wishes for you and.your baby in the future ahead.
“use the destructive energies to your benefit.”
That was the title of my talk last night (I was asked to talk to a domestic abuse help group, a mix of volunteers and psychiatrists)
“At first the enery is raw, primeval, terribly dark and utter destructive. It burns everything it touches and spares no one. Rich, poor, secular, religious, it strives hard to kill you…..”
“…. then one day, one day you wake up with a realisation: I am worth more than this! I want more than this! I am allowed dreams, I am allowed hopes! I.deserve a warm loving relationship free from hurt and pain….”
“And now? Now I write. I have just written what one author in America has just called “The best young adults trilogy she has ever read” Me. I created that, and I.never, ever could of forseen that I would get the energy to do so from an event so traumatic it took my hearing, damaged my heart and scarred my soul.
Yet there they are. My books, my work, and I owe it to my soul waking up, reaching out, and turning that pain to motivation. You can too, and I.hope, I really hope that by hearing my talk tonight, you can set.foot onto the road that turns this terrible life event into energies to transform your world.”
PS… Hope you enjoyed the read of the first draft SW 💖
You seem such a kind man. Well done on your achievements so far. I sometimes have to work with people who have been emotionally and physically abused and wondered why people put up with it. It’s only now I’m in a position where I found out my H had multiple affairs with women and messaged escort woman that you realise you have similar feelings. You stay for hope, fear, fear of managing financially, lack of self esteem, lack of worth. Etc.
I’m heading to a year now post D Day. I’m still on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s effected my day to day functioning, my work (which alongside my children has kept me going), my confidence and my ability to make decisions.
I have lost me but realise I lost me a long time again and put everything in to being a good wife and pleasing my H. To then be shattered by finding out. Not having any idea. Living what I thought was a happy fulfilling marriage.
My H is sorry and trying to make things right but I’m unsure how things will turn out as affairs change everything about you as an individual, a couple and also change your H as a person.
I have felt so low the last couple of weeks. Maybe because middle of November will be a year. I just feel this is it. This is it. I’m having IC but only every 3 to 4 weeks due cost. I’m now looking at finding a well being course to try and improve my positivity.
Ian, It’s refreshing to hear that although you have struggled and probably still do somedays, you have started to find you as a person and have put value back in yourself. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope that I won’t always feel so low and dark.
It’s just finding that confidence and motivation to invest in me again.
I was utterly, totally in the darkest pain I’ve ever known. I was homeless, no money, my career was destroyed in the abuse I suffered. The first year was dark, utterly pitched black. Every day was a fight. Every day.
The year anniversary of discovery came and I cried all night. Not ashamed to admit it. With the help of my doctor I got back to caring about me. What I needed.
The second year was painful, but not dark. The light of my dreams gave me hope.
Now at year 3? I think about the affair, shrug, turn back to my laptop and write my novels. I then go for a walk, meet friends, have lunch, then having totally relaxed, go home and write some more.
I promise you that if you focus on a dream, focus on a project for you, anything you want, it becomes a torch to carry through the dark night of the soul.
KS – to answer about being changed as a person.
Yes. Absolutely. 100% changed forever. There is no going back. This event, this betrayal, this act of soul destroying selfishness changed you forever – but – and affair partners be warned – it changes you in ways that, as time goes on, they are put on notice.
The shit you accepted? Oh hell no. That don’t wash any longer.
The desire to please that person at expense to.yourself and your dreams? Oh HELL NO! So doesn’t wash!!!
The new you will realise that you, you alone, just you, cares about you with all your heart and soul. Just you. Sitting there reading this. Just you.
Then…. Then comes the day you realise that you deserve to be loved. Deserve to be treasured. Deserve to be cared for. Deserve some ones 100% all.
And on that day, on that beautiful day,.you smile, pick up a dream, and carry it into the future. With a great big smile as it’s.a future for you, by you.
KS you said it beautifully. It’s scary territory – trying to figure out what the marriage is now – who we are as women now … and trying to anticipate what type of man Hs are … especially when we sat with blinders (at least that’s how I feel about my situation) about what those things were before.
Ian – I have told H the exact same thing that you said about how I’m changed. Once I was trusting and would walk through fire for him. Now – I’ll walk through fire with him to salvage this time period. I refuse to do so another time down the road. There will be no second 2nd chances and the amicable divorce he thinks he’ll get most definitely will NOT happen.
Now I just need to get busy dreaming. 🙂
Kimberly and Ian. You are so right no 2nd chances. But I do wonder, my H had lots of women for years. I knew nothing. If I had found out years ago about 1 of them I would have not given another chance for the 2nd, but here I sit giving another chance because he shows sorrow. However, he has lived a lie for years. Seeing women. The messages were sexual and he gave time to them. Taking them out to our restaurants we celebrated our anniversary and birthdays.
I just can’t get the images out of my head. Younger more attractive women. It’s soul destroying. Trying to be positive is hard but I’m trying. So thank you for your experiences and nice positive comments. My days can be dark but I’m praying for the light and value the words Ian said that it will come one day and that I will value myself and someone will value me again.
You have to be careful what you read though. One day I read that people can make a marriage work and other sites say end it.
Forever Broken said:
Kimberly, I can relate to your comments above. My D-Day was 22 months ago, but I am still trying to figure out who my husband is. I have been married for over 27 years (together for almost 33 years) and I feel like I no longer know who he is and don’t trust what I now know he is capable of. I feel stupid for blindly believing in the fairy tale marriage that I thought we had. I am forever changed, and quite frankly, I hate the new me. I’m paranoid, negative and scared of everything and everyone. I never feel safe, settled or peaceful anymore. I always feel on-guard. In fact, if I do find myself feeling happy or comfortable, I very quickly destroy that moment in my negativity. I had so much confidence in our relationship and in myself before he decided to cheat, so how can I ever trust my own instincts again? Peace and confidence are now threatening to me and those are emotions that can’t be trusted. I often dream of walking away and starting a new, happier life- a fresh start with someone new. But, I’m afraid I would just transfer my fears onto a new person. I guess I know what I’m getting with the man I have, but I’m not impressed with his newly revealed character and I’m disappointed in myself for staying. No one is a winner in the Infidelity Game of Life! – Forever Broken
I truly, utterly feel your pain. I truly do. Every twist of the knife to the heart and soul. My advice is simple: Only you can decide wether it is time to walk away or time to stay and repair. Only you. But, you know what? Your decision now doesn’t mean it’s your decision in the future! No! Not at all! You can say in six weeks, six months, a year, two years…. Look at yourself and your life and say “I tried, but now I go.” That magically is.your true choice. The cheater doesn’t get a say! The cheater doesn’t get a place holder at your table of life choices any longer! You do. You do as you have to answer to.your soul, not the cheater.
In short, the cheater broke that sacred bond. It’s broken forever, it isn’t repairable, you and them have to forge a new one if you stay, but in the clear knowledge that they cheated multiple Times before….
Me? It was one and done. Once into his pants, once him into her and I couldn’t physically touch her again. It was repulsive. Add decade and a half of abuse? My leaving was easy. Very, very easy.
Now I am free.
So, my honest advice? Don’t think you have to rush to decide. You don’t. You do however have to take the greatest care of you, of yourself.
I truly hope you find peace, and dare I say it, some one who will not trample over your heart and soul with such callous disregard. Maybe your cheating other half can change…. That’s a question only you and time can tell.
My prayers and best wishes for your soul and for you.
Thank you Ian.
My brain says not good to stay. My heart tells me something else. It’s so difficult. Love is such a strong emotion. I love my H. I’m not sure why after all this and as I said we are all changed. Not sure love alone is enough to get through this. I will take your advice and give myself time. It makes it easier to know by reading other people’s stories that it takes time. I beat myself up by still feeling sad and hurt. Yet it can take years. Your right. I need to make decisions when it’s right for me. Whenever, that is.
I’m not sure I will ever trust anyone again though and unfortunately the statistics say I only have a 50% chance of finding a faithful partner. How sad is that!!
Feel proud that you stand in the faithful 50 and you have achieved so much after all that’s happened to you. I always wanted to write a cookbook. Maybe!!
What are you books about? Did you get them published? It must feel so great. I hope you find someone that will treat you well and appreciate you for you.
I have written sci-fi, paranormal mystery (self published on a third party webpage) , and now am looking for an agent for my young adults read – a cross between Narnia, Alice in Wonderland and Guardians of the Galaxy with a dash of planet hopping piracy thrown in! People have loved it (if that’s your genre to read!) and I am.writing more of the series as we speak. Very fulfilling indeed. Hard work mind you!
As for faithfulness. I am an ardent absolute believer in monogamy. Always have been, always will be – because I truly believe that if you love some one, if you cherish them, you want for nothing better in this world and can be contented with your greatest supporter and best friend by your side.
Yeah okay, I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. I admit it.
That said, surviving an affair cost me dearly. The decades of abuse broke me. Yes they did. Am I bitter? No. Do I think all women are like this? Not a chance. One person was evil to me and that’s because they are a damaged, cruel, wickedly feckless whore by choice. Her choices. Not any other woman’s. Hers. So that is why I’m not bitter. Wiser? Oh yes. Watchful? A little. Bitter? Not a drop.
I’m 6 months in and mother of three. 4 , 2 and 13 months…. My baby was 3 months old when it started. This is insane. My life is a nightmare. He lost his mind. She is a horrible person. With multiple affairs. No remorse. He has remorse a bit now but it took a while. I’m still with him but im not happy obviously. I push him away. I don’t want anyone else I just want the impossible… My family back. My life back. It will never be th same. I can’t talk to anyone. The shame would be to great for our kids. She was his second wife out of town…. two kids with two different dad’s and he wanted her? There is no ending the cycle of trigger and pain anger and even my own remorse for my lashing out to relieve the pressure inside. It’s so sad how people could be led to this kind of evil… It is evil. It is selfishness to its core. no one thinks they will get caught but u cannot commit such an awful act without it changing you. I gave him everything. I was treated like a dog during the affair. I was exhausted w 3 kids under 4 and he took full advantage. We were happy but it was stressful then. I saw it as temporary and he saw it as an excuse. He wanted easy and that’s what she was. I was fat w my baby weight and she was skinny. I’m not a great cook, she is. It was all perks for him and he just wanted to please her to keep it up. He gave her the relationship I always wanted. The I miss yous and special gifts. I can’t even cook for my family without resentment boiling me. I want to throw the food in his face. I was never like This. I thought I could endure anything to keep my family together. A family is all I ever wanted. But now I see how weak I really am. No one understands the pressure the pain and torment except those who have been through it. This is the man my children have to look up to. This is the man i married. Its just unbelievable. I’m so sad. I can stay in silent torment til it kills me if my kids could gain all of the advantages of a family not torn apart. It’s a sick cruel world. How do I get this pressure to go…. forgiveness yes but the pressure Always returns. He wants to keep his out of town job. I know I would do anything to keep my partner if I committed such a horrible act for so long and so emotional. But then again I wouldn’t do that. Sick. I’m so disgusted with men and sex and everything.
Blindsighted – truth is, the first year is absolute hell. The second isn’t much better. By the end of the third you’ll be in a much better place, but, until time has taken her course, nothing can speed this all up. The worst thing is? As much as you want ‘the old family back’ or ‘the old life’ ? It cannot happen. You either mourn the old and start building anew, or, try desperately to stay in the past – and that will kill you inside, stone cold dead as sure as any knife or gun.
The infidelity river is terrible, there are horrendous hidden rocks strewn through the rapids, and you are going to need all the help.you can get to make.it safely to the sea shore and.calmer waters. My advice then?
1) Sit down with your husband and really, really talk.about this. Talk about what you want, Talk about what lead to his straying, talk about his thought process and what he truly wants. Then when.you heard him out, he has to hear you out.
2) Be loving to yourself. Be aware that nothing you did or didn’t do could if ever stopped his straying. He wanted to. End of discussion. The blame is on him. So, live yourself, give yourself treats, give yourself space to just do some stuff just for you.
3) If you can? Get professional help from the doctors. Depression triggered by infidelity is horrendously common and very dangerous. Nip it in the bud if.you feel.your mental health is hurting. There is no.stigma.in seeking help. None.
4) Remember that out here? There are many who were thrown into the river unexpectedly and survived. Reach out. You always have a loving non judgemental group to sound off amongst. Find others. Join online forums. Let all the pressure out so it doesn’t poison your heart or soul.
It is so sad to be in this position. I also wanted it to go away and go back to where we were before it all happened. But it never goes away. It never will. It might be easier to live with over time but nearly a year in I still live, breath and think about the affairs.
Ian is right. It will take time. Ian is three years in and has very wise words. Has gone through an awful time and is now able to offer his experience and advice. Thank you for this Ian. Joining forums are good if there is someone there to offer advice and support.
Ian the sci fi books sound great. The teenage market is a great narket to break into. Well done and good luck. Don’t give up
Your dreams. It’s your time now.
Thanks for responding… I’m so alone. It’s like someone cares. I have to rant… I have to get this out….I think the whore is pregnant now and i think it’s my husbands. It’s a crazy sick world we live in. If I leave him I think he might kill himself because of the shame if it turns out to be his. No one knows now and it will be blown up if there is a baby. One cowardly selfish act after another. If I stay I’m committing myself to the care of another woman’s baby w my husband. I don’t need drugs I need a miracle to get through this. It’s a nightmare. Drugs won’t help me. I’ve tired. I just cant understand why… why … why.
Hello Blindsighted. I’m sorry you find yourself here on my site, but you are with others who have endured the pain you are now experiencing. I promise that you will never feel as alone, as low, as devastated as you feel right now. I was where you are almost 4 years ago. Time does not heal all wounds but it sure makes a hell of a difference. Read my blog from the start and let me emphasise that even though you might feel like you’re going crazy, YOU ARE NOT. Love and strength to you. SWxo
Hi Blindsighted, do you know anything further on the pregnancy? That’s so fucked up. You don’t say how old you both are and how long you’ve been married. Hugs and love. SWxo
Forever Broken said:
The affects of infidelity create an evil, lonely place that sadly we all know too well. A possible pregnancy complicates your situation and will make your husband’s actions public. God bless if that is the case. However, that is his doing and not yours. His foolish, selfish actions have created a lifetime of pain for so many (including your children). The selfish actions of a cheater are temporarily good for him, but are so unfair and destructive to everyone involved. No one wins by cheating. You and your children didn’t have a say in your own futures. Your husband and his slut have deciding your fate for you- Not Fair- and they had no right to do that to you. Remember, it is painful, but you have the power to decide your future now that you know the true character of your husband and what he is capable of. You hold so much power now, even if you feel powerless in the situation. Find support where ever you can- family, friends, this blog, spiritual, etc….You are not alone.
I am almost 2 years into my discovery and Shattered Wife is correct- time does heal the pain and gives you insight and clarity where it once felt dark and lonely. It will be a long and hard road full of set-backs and heartache, but keep pushing forward and find ways to nurture and care for yourself.
Please know that you did it right and the blame is on him. Only you can decide what is right for you and your children. Don’t worry about protecting him at your expense. Maybe confiding in a family member or friend will help you sort out what to do. I encourage counseling if possible. About 3 months into my situation, the pain was so great I had to reach out to people I thought I could trust. It was simply too over-whelming and I did it for my own sanity. I was careful about how I opened up, but I had to find a release. I had to forget about his needs and had to take care of myself. Of course, he wanted to maintain the secrets about his affairs and his actions, but I felt that was part of the problem- THE SECRETS! Evil resides in the darkness and deceit. Opening up to counselors and some select family and friends was the best solution for us. It forced him to come to terms with his actions and truly own them and it gave me a support system. Otherwise, it felt like my own counsel and support had to come from my husband who also felt like my abuser.
Hang it there- life does work out for the best, but it can be a long and dark road in the meantime. After almost 2 years, I have only recently seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I am a better person and so is my husband because of this horrible experience, but I am still angry that I had to endure so much unnecessary pain and will never be the same. I just keep moving forward (slowly) and hoping the Universe will reveal a bigger and better plan for me and my family. Hope is all I have.
I read shattered’s acronym post… it follows my thought process perfectly right now. I hate OW, AP, D-day etc etc too. I hate that this blog exists and that I’m on it and that there are SO MANY of us. I hate this is what i do when my kids go to bed… I HATE all the time and all day long. It’s killing me. But a baby… how can a baby be hated?
I love children… But this is too much. What am i going to do??? Watch him travel there and spend the weekend with her so he can see his kid? Have the baby come here and me take care of them along with my 3?? Hell she could come and live with us in the basement so co-parenting would be a piece of cake! don’t you see the crazy making in all this?!? all because he lead her to believe we were unhappy and he was with me for the kids (to have SEX with her)… CRAZY slut. SICK AWFUL husband. We just had a baby and she believed we didn’t have sex anymore?! So she got pregnant so he would have a reason to be with her and leave me finally…. she thought she was doing him a favor. He thought he was leaving town so an temporary affair with woman who is more attractive then me( I go back and forth about this and it this kills me…) and who he would never see again sounded amazing. Only too bad for them and everyone else in our lives… because you can’t do this kind of nasty ugly disgusting evil without repercussions… without it changing you… call it karma or whatever you want but now my happy perfect family will be so publicly and so shamefully destroyed. Not even a condom. Never. Didn’t even ask if she even used birth control. Absolutely. Totally. Crazy. What about STDs? AIDS??? didn’t he take high school health class???! Oh this will never happen to him. BLIND. Totally controlled by lust. And it was too easy to keep it up and it turned into a relationship. One he enjoyed very much. So how do you have two wives?? You don’t. You can’t. I got shit on. Emotionally abused. I was ugly, fat, couldn’t cook right, couldn’t clean up enough. I was undesirable, and annoying… “please do we have to talk?” She did everything right and I did it wrong. My life was turned upside down and I couldn’t understand it… So try harder. Do MORE. Until he broke me. Broke me before I even found out. and then i did. and we all know how that feels.
I’ve read so many stories on here… I have to think positively on my situation in some cases… I know my story could be worse… it could have been someone in my own town, it could have been years instead of months (but maybe it was??), it could have been a family member or friend or a co-worker he still has to see…. but a baby. How do you deal with a baby. I can’t hate a baby… or will I? How do I live with myself then? I can’t stand the hate that is in me already. My poor children. To have a mother like this… to have a father like this… children suffer the most. Even more then me in the end. I’m their world. They are babies. They have no life outside of this family… no escape. They can’t get in their car and go for a drive to cool off from the emotions they are having from all of this turmoil. They aren’t even in school yet!! I’m going to throw them to the wolves if I leave him. He may harm himself if I leave. I’m holding everyone together and I’m broken. Totally and utterly broken. And all I did was love. My prize for loving blindly. I loved my family and I loved my husband despite how I was treated. I loved so much and put a smile on my face and bore all of it because he was “stressed at work”, because life at home with 3 kids is stressful and children is what I wanted (not him at first, until we had them, then he was like – oh they are so awesome!). THE STRESS WAS TEMPORARY. we just had a baby!!! I just kept saying it will get better…I will loose my baby weight as soon as i can get some more sleep to work out… give it some time… I’ll be able to grocery shop for better meals once the kids settle down and i can spend more then 15 minutes in a store…give it some time… it will get better. If only I had paid more attention and gone there it would have stopped before she got pregnant. I seriously never thought people could be so wretched. Twisted. I could rant ALL. DAY. LONG. I hate the “catching him” scenarios that play in my head. I hate the comparing and the self-hate. I HATE HATE HATE. I’m so tired of hating. i hate it.
Thank you for this platform, even if I still hate that I’m on here and writing. Thank you for responding. I feel as if i could absolutely explode some nights.
Oh how I wish my days of Pintrest-ing was my nightly guilty pleasures and not this… but thank you…
Blindsighted – I ache when I read your post. I ache for the hurt you’re feeling, for the stress this is causing, for the unworthiness that you are feeling. Top those feelings with the hormones that remain from pregnancy, the tiredness of having 3 under 5, it can feel overwhelming and all consuming.
There are some amazing women (and men …) who have shared their journeys out here in the cyber world. Thanks to them, the last 4 months have been 2 steps forward … 1 step back … instead of being stuck in the misery and heart ache that was all consuming in the beginning.
I encourage you to go check out this website – http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org/resources/ – they offer counseling on a sliding scale … but they also lead you to some very valuable websites. I love one in particular because it’s a page of hope.
While I don’t know where my marriage will be in 6 months but I know where I’d like it to be and the women I’ve encountered are there to support that decision. But there are also women there who have just found out, those who have chosen other paths, and we all have 1 thing in common … we’ve been betrayed.
I cried. I cried reading your post. I just wanted to give you a hug and take that pain away.
The thought of raising a cheaters child they had during and affair? I honestly have to say I’d burn all my bridges with the cheater, make them pay support for me and my children and throw them out. I’d never, ever forgive them – as you say, unprotected sex leads to diseases… if they cheat with one they’ll cheat with two, three , many lots….
I got to say honestly reading your post I wished I was a millionaire and could pay your legal fees to clean him out. I would in a heart beat if I was in the position to.
Dear Blindsighted, the hating part is the worst! I am so sorry you were hurt so much. I hope you find some sort of peace soon. Much love
Blindsighted – Amanda’s comment brought me back to this post. Hard to believe that it’s been almost 9 months since you posted this. I know from another site that it hasn’t been an easy time … and that you are still healing. But I just wanted to say I’m still thinking about you. 🙂 Probably more so now that I’m back in the same hormonal state you were in the beginning. I also just wanted to say thank you for being part of my healing process … hugs mama!
I have acute post traumatic stress disorder from a decade plus of sever spousal abuse. My coping mechanism for the dark nights is Christmas lights. Strings of Red .Yellow. Green and Blue lights hung up on the door frames.
My neighbours laugh. My friends laugh. But these lights keep the dread, the panic and the hurt at bay. That’s my secret. I keep the monsters that haunt my mind at bay with Christmas lights. My therapist said this “If I have to be honest? It is a great idea. It harms no one and you stay happy. I like it.”
My comfort blanket is a few warm strings of Christmas lights.
There – that’s off my chest. That’s how the abuse and affair changed me. Apart from that, I have a pretty good handle on this slippery ride called life.
Forever Broken said:
Ian, if we are being honest here….
I cope by leaving my television on at night. Can’t sleep without it. It helps me cope with the fear of being alone and helps drown out the constant negative noise in my head. My husband is in my life now and sleeps with me, but I used this method when I was experiencing my own “acute post traumatic stress disorder” issues in the years after the discovery of his betrayal. It’s probably more of a habit at this point, but has become my security blanket and works for me. My husband knows exactly why we sleep with the TV on and he doesn’t try to change that fact. He knows it’s the price he pays for creating so much distress in my life. Maybe someday the quiet, darkness won’t feel so scary. – Forever Broken
The quiet darkness. It’s filled with too much brain noise – you hit the nail on the head. I have the lights and a noise generator that sounds like ocean waves. It plays as I sit and type, and lulls me to sleep. It’s beautiful.
It’s a horrible horrible thing infidelity, it does so much harm, so much internal and external harm it is hard to say where the pain stops… until one day it just fades away. I really, really wish you the very very best as you navigate further down the river of life, and above all? I truly hope you find peace and happiness.
Married for 6 years. He cheated for 5 of them w over 30 women.
14 months out from D-Day. My husband was a serial cyber-cheater. He would meet the women on chat rooms, exchange KIK usernames, and begin a 2 week-1 month online sexual affair with them. Nude pics, nude videos, dirty talk, masturbating pics/vids. Most of the women were married, most knew he was too.
There have been times where I couldn’t get out of bed, there have been times when I couldn’t be bothered with dealing with any of this.
The best thing about this has been being taken to the level where I can judge literally no one. It feels nice knowing I can relate to pain in a way I never could. I feel very human.
I LOVE the women I’m in a trauma therapy group with. Our therapist does exposure therapy with us. We read aloud traumatic experiences that happened at the hands of our spouses. It could be anything from him ignoring my sexual advances to me finding a video of him masturbating on his phone.
I don’t know what will happen with us, but I’m grateful that I have support and strength.
Thank you for your honesty, SW. Your blog opened my eyes to staring pain in the face.
30 women over 5 years…. as a man, I’m in shock. 30? I just don’t know where to start with my thoughts on that..
You however? Dealing with all that over such a short time? Have nothing but my deepest sympathies and best wishes for that long painful road of recovery.
It was any woman he could get his (cyber) hands on. It didn’t matter what they looked like- if they would exchange sexual media, he would engage.
He had an affinity for porn that went unchecked and soon he became a sick person. Sick to the point where he didn’t consider himself cheating because he never did anything physical.
We’ve both been in intense therapy individually and together since D-Day. I don’t know what our relationship will be like at the end of all this. At the moment I’m not putting pressure on myself to stay or to leave. All I know is, I have hope for myself and I also have hope for him.
You are one of a kind these days Ian. I hope u find every bit of love u deserve. I cannot understand a woman that cheats… I cannot understand a man either but our culture seems to make it seem permissible. I certainly cannot understand a married woman going online and seeking sexual stuff like Yourheartwillheal has discribed. I get people do porn… But majority of those women are lost, bad backgrounds or abuse, substance issues etc. They cannot see the value in their bodies and give something that should be invaluable away like trash… but a wife to do thiz? Potential kids in the house??? Like just sick. I’m just stunned. Everyday i become more and more sad for humanity. We cannot boost to be such a civilized tech savvy world… we are savage animals gratifying our every urge with no concept of integrity character or love. Again… dont mind me… just hating everything I can cus that’s just how it goes for me now.
I have wondered if I would have taken it better if my husbands affair was strictly sexual like this… his was only one OW, sexual lasted 5 months emotional 2 years (i just foind out!!!!) on off before that and after they started sex she became like a second wife… only treated her much better then me and i assume loved her although he denies (oh yeah im just SURE he is telling the truth about this ) She def loved him because the fool got herself pregnant to try to keep him.. I don’t know… i dont know…. mine or yours It’s all so so terrible. Isnt it horrible how far someone can go when there is no one there to rebuke them of their actions?? They keep doing it and it normalized the most awful things. I agongize about the sexual disgustingness of it all… them feeding this devil… if men have lusts that is what a wife is for…although he could not have betrayed me or my kids anymore then he did i am thankful it is not worse… it can always be worse I have to keep telling myself. There are sick people doing all sorts of terrible things on the internet.
That’s so nice u have a group… I didt realized they exisited! Makes sense i guess… so many of us betrayed spouses out there right now all over the globe. Anyways Im very jealous!! Perks of bigger cities I guess… I am starting therapy again on wed however. Everything started to feel extremely hopeless again recently. I am just so tired of all this shit thats been thrown on me… but no matter what im gunna keep treding through this shit pool… after the paternity tests, after the birth… after each visit or $$ sent her way… I have to. I dont want to keep going on, i soooo dont want to but i have to. I want a better life for my kids. If I loose it it will more then ruin them. I want them to one day find love and be happy with someone that loves and respects them. I never want them to experience this. We have money, we have property and have never really stressed about finances but where is happiness if u dont have love?? My kids must be taught a lesson from this as they grow up. Know a man’s heart before you marry. Never marry for charm or looks or money but for their heart. My biggest mistake in life is that i married foolishly and without thought. I assumed the best but never looked at what were clearly signs of his selfish lust driven heart. I built a life with the wrong kind of man.
I wish you peace in your heart Yourheartwillheal…sound like u are light years away from me emotionally… But so is everyone else on these sites I go to now. I want to get there someday….i just can’t see it.
I came from a home where my mum and dad had the worst possible relationship ever. They were the worst people for each other. I mean the whole screaming, throwing stuff, beating each other, fights, it was shit. Utterly shit. My mum would leave for a week or three, my dad would changed the locks… oh it was absolute hell. I live 700 miles from them for a reason.
You know what though? This made my therapist laugh a little to be honest, but here it is – I am an honourable romantic. Yes, even after the domestic abuse my ex wife made me suffer. Even utterly destroyed and with nothing I still believe in soul love, in honest open love that cocoons you with happiness. Even after all the shit, the lies, the condoms in her uniform and late nights working away. I’m still utterly and totally a believer in faithful monogamy with a true love.
Weird huh? I know my therapist loves it – she presses and probes to see if I’m lying or holding stuff back, but? It’s the truth. Just because my mum and dad were shit to each other? Just because my ex was a narcissist abuser? Doesn’t mean I won’t be happy or find love again. I just need to be open to it and let any fear I had, go. Which I have.
As for you? The baby and the lies makes me feel belly sick. Just cannot fathom a mind out that has a good life, a living wife, a great family….and wants more? I just cannot fathom out how greedy and empty a person who does that must be. You have my total absolute heart felt sympathise and I really, really hope you get to a place of inner peace. Took me a good while, but I did – I don’t even have nightmares any more. None. I just let it all go until it is now just the late night that I turn on my sound machine for company as I write – that gentle birdsong and waves? Keeps the past at bay and helps me sleep like a baby.
I cannot understand either Ian… i cannot. it is my tortured why he would do this…why have a family if this is your hearts desire??? Its the first thing I dwelt on… I had to figure out why after three (very beautiful amazing) children would he choose to do this? Why not before we had kids? Why not after one? It was the availability to do it (the out of town job) and the idea that he had to give himself permission. He had to desire it so much that if he did not do it, it was not fair to him. He had to be convinced that it was OK. I believe there is a reason for everything… and for me, I have come to the conclusion that each one of my children were necessary to keep me on this earth… Ian I’d be dead…I would have jumped off that bridge months ago. but my newborn needed to nurse – he wasn’t taking a bottle, my preschooler needed her cuddles round the clock and my oldest so desperately needed me to read her 12+ books a day. They needed to be fed and washed and tucked in. They all needed me. I am so needed, and they demand, kids are relentlessly demanding. I cannot ignore their pleas for their mom to get up off the couch/bed… to stop crying “please mommy”… to just please be happy. They needed to go to their programs and to their swimming lessons, they needed to do all of these things they looked forward to so much. I couldn’t let them down. I couldn’t drive them to the same fate if I was to harm myself either. I couldn’t imagine if my mother was to take her life how that would make me feel as a child… unloved, like I wasn’t enough to stay living for… but I wanted to so very badly…. the devastation and how blind sighted I was to this was so so deep. My self worth was too tied into my family and my marriage… I recognize that I have to work on that. But we all know the pain. It demands to be felt it curls you into a ball and stabs your heart. This is my sadness… the flip side to my incredible anger. I’m so so so sad. I’m getting help again tho. I know I’m just too weak with everything that has happened and about to happen to get through it on my own. There are so many demands on me and I’m human. and so so weak. I believe there is a reason for everything… and this is why if it HAD to happen… this is why it happened after three kids… because he fed the temptation, and otherwise I don’t know if I would still be here if it wasn’t for my kids.
Blindsighted, your children will learn unconditional love from you. That’s the single greatest gift you ever could give them.
I find your husband’s behaviour disgusting, and as a man sure I worked with women and many made their availability very open and plain. Yet… I married under what were to me, serious vows. Funny how the devoted Catholic I married scorned her vows so easily…and yet there I was, new to church … it goes to show that if your heart and soul are empty, nothing is sacred. Not even your marriage.
To you ? My warmest hugs and best wishes! Your children are your world and that’s beautiful. Truly is.
Forever Broken said:
Question to the many heartbroken supporters?
I am almost 2 years past D-Day and my husband and I still struggle to talk about the pain he caused. Before D-Day (30 years together), we rarely fought and I believed he was my best friend. I thought we talked about EVERYTHING and thought we had a close relationship.
Since D-Day, he has been hateful and angry when I need to talk about my pain and insecurities. I know he just wants me to move past it. If I can pretend I am OK, he can be sweet and caring- Everything is “perfect”! He wants all these problems to just go away and everything to be “normal”.
Problem is- that is how he has always handled conflict – sweep it under the rug and move on. Exactly why we find ourselves in this same mess over and over again. (He has had 8 “situations” over the 30 years that involved other women that I know of.) He gets caught and then wants it to quickly go away. He claims he never had a full sexual affair with these women- “just wanted to seduce them, so he would know he could have them if he wanted to.” Claims he never actually wanted the sex, just to know he was desired by them.
This time, I am too broken to just move on. He acts like he wants to be supportive and caring, but quickly goes back to his angry outbursts when I express my pain and brokenness, which has been almost everyday for 2 years. These outbursts confirm for me that he can’t be trusted and remind me of how broken our relationship is and how I can’t have an honest, close relationship with him.
So, here’s the question- After 2 years of this pain, should I push my pain away and ignore it to keep the peace between us, or should I demand that he learn healthier ways to communicate and to find a way to show empathy and compassion for me. For some reason if the marriage fails, it feels like it’s my fault for not being able to let it go and move on. Am I being stubborn or is he? I would love to know how others are coping?
I too am going thru this process of empathy and emotion almost 1 year past D day. Here’s my thoughts and the place I am in. My husband can not express empathy and lacks the complete ability to see things from my perspective. These are things that I cannot teach him. I am at the point where why should i suffer my own personal integrity for his lack of compassion. He is not the man or husband or father that can support me thru this process. So I have to do that on my own. But what he has done, is alienate my as his wife. He wants to sweep this under the rug and forget so quickly, yet I am still an emotional nightmare. I’m done with that, I’m picking up my bootstraps and doing my own thing. That involves kicking him to sleep in the basement and an ultimatum of counseling or separate. I also went to see a divorce Atty, which he doesn’t know about. I’m tired of waiting for him to understand my needs, and I’m accomplishing those pieces on my own. I can honestly tell you, I’m at peace. I don’t track his phone, study our phone records or our credit card statement anymore. I’ve truly come to terms with who he is as a person. And I’m at the point that I’m not able to have that person continue to be part of my life. I’m too good for that, and that’s where I’m confident to others who judge our marriage. Our marriage broke up because of his actions and his inability to help us as a couple recover, end of story. If he has done this 8 times, he will do it again. Find yourself and be at peace.
Forever Broken said:
Hurtmomof2, I have been wondering about how your situation turned out. I hope you and your children are doing well. I was encouraged with your strength in the message above and wondered if your husband ever stepped up or if the marriage ended. Are you still hurting or have you been able to move forward? Sending love and support. – Forever Broken
Dear forever broken.
I feel very sad when I read your story. I’m at a year tomorrow. Dreading it. I remember being at work when the AP finally rang me back after threats I will be driving to her home and asking her H if he knew about my H. She confirmed she had been seeing my H for 2 casual years but had met her H and married him in between. Well after confirmation sex had taken place I shook uncontrollably vomited and could not drive home for an hour. I was thankful only one member of staff had walked in towards the end of my wailing like an animal in pain and made an excuse then drove home. The sad thing is after disclosure I found out about many women over the last few years which were trickle truths and me investigating everything. So no I had not found out about them at separate occasions but still a lot in one big painful sweep. Yet here I am trying to reconcile. My H is making great effort but like yours does not want to talk about it and when I do he gets upset and angry and says I thought we were making progress. I did not expect to come back to this. I just want peace and for us to move on. I feel bad about what I have done. The unfortunate thing is you can’t take away what they have done. It does not just go away. You can’t just brush it under the table.
What I find sad about what you say is the value you have for you.
I don’t know about your situation. I know that I base some of my decisions on protecting the children and finances and the thought of being on my own. I have limited strength to make a good decision. I have just started reading leave a cheater gain a life. Wow. I’ve come to the conclusion that I accept crumbs of affection because that is all I know and have learnt to accept over the years.
You don’t mention your needs. Just pushing under the carpet and accepting or asking him to do work to improve the situation.
Have you considered you in all this. 30 years is a long time together but has he really committed to you after 8 affairs. No. Don’t you deserve more??
What keeps you there?
You appear to have accepted he has affairs and you stay. Don’t you deserve or want more than that?
I know it is so hard as I have not made that decision to leave but when I read your story I ask why do we accept this.
The war on the soul at one year mark is horrendous. I truly feel for you right now.
My therapist was blunt: if they won’t talk , then you walk.
If they the affair cheating scum cannot put their feelings out in the open or acknowledge yours? Adios!!!!
I walked. No regrets. She had her cake and it choked her. Good. Bitter meal indeed and she deserved it.
Honestly? He has learned that you are his doormat. His behaviour is king and you do his bidding. I know as I married the female version of this.
Walk away. Yes, that’s honestly my advice. If he justvwantsbit brushed under the carpet, expects you to swallow all his flings without speaking of them? He is having his cake and eating it.
Therapy together or divorce. That’s what he would be served. Nothing else.
We too have had “incidents” along the way of our 14 year marriage. I learned in 2007 that he had been on dating/sex sites for 4 years and had talked to numerous women. I was the one who just swept things under the rug then. I left him and then came back – but for all the wrong reasons. I even intended on staying a year and then divorcing him. 🙂 Funny, during that year I rarely thought about the incidents and even since … but again – it was because I was the one who did it.
Today is 5 months since DDay … wow! … 5 months. I’m certainly not a therapist – and I’m certainly NOT in your shoes but this is what I’ve learned both about myself … and about my WH in that time. #1 is that I REFUSE to sweep this under the rug. I’ve made no qualms about my desire to work on the issues that I brought to the marriage that led to the days leading up to his decision to have an affair (but NEVER his decision to do so). We’ve done some marriage counseling … and I’ve done individual counseling.
Anger … anger for me is a mask. It’s easier to deal with than the raw emotions that are brewing underneath. I never realized this until I was in marriage counseling and she mentioned it. Then I started to reflect on when I would explode … what was going on before … what was the fuse lighting event. I’m not saying that this is what either of your Hs are going through – it’s just a possibility.
Now … my H would always get angry when I brought up the affair and wanted to talk about it. My “gut” told me it was because he wasn’t being honest with me. And you know what … over time I learned my gut was right. Until he fully cut off ALL ties to the OW and let go of the fantasy that she was the better choice … we had no real conversations. We had no real emotional connection. He would get angry – throw out that he thought we were getting better and that at least “he’d tried.”
Now – when I broach the topic of how I feel – he gets sad. He still says “I thought we were getting better” and I have to reassure him that we are … but that I’m still healing. That I still get triggered. And that I’m still a woman (sorry Ian!). And … I’m 5 months pregnant (damn hysterical bonding) … so it’s just a shit storm some days.
I kind of agree with Ian’s therapist. If they refuse to treat us like human beings by acknowledging our emotions and how they did this to us … and they aren’t willing to make the effort to fix them and support us while we work on fixing us.
I wish you nothing but the very best with your pregnancy and rebuilding efforts. That’s a hard, hard road and one I can say “you got real bravery” going that route. I truly hope it all smooths over and that you find your inner peace. I honestly think a baby would be the icing on a cake as a new fresh start. Awwwww bless!
Me, I put up my Christmas tree, very early, decorated my house and windows… because I can and because my ex hates Christmas where as I love it!!!!!
Best of luck!
1st Christmas post discovery day, you want to roll up and die. You don’t want anything, can’t face anything, life…. is shit.
2nd Christmas is a raging torrent of up and down emotions. You want a way out the crap fest, you want yourself back but it’s shit and it hurts and it makes you cry at the moments you least expect.
3rd Christmas? Well, the affair was shit, it ruined live for a while, bad days aren’t too bad, good days are regular enough to survive.
4th? Decorate this place! Get that tree up! Hmmm hmmmm a date? A drink after work? Write a novel? Go on far flung holidays and smile for a week as its so bloody fun? Yeah, it happens. Happened to me.
To anyone reading this in the first few weeks of the single most painful event outside death of a dear one, let me makes this promise: it gets way better. It gets beautiful. It gets fabulous in fact. Life gets the colour back. Life gets the smiles. Life gets warm and enjoyable once more.
One word of advice / forewarning: you will never, ever be the same lesson inside ever again. It will twist, rip, shred and remould you. Accept that the past is dead and you are making a totally new you, well, all I can say is this – in time you will heal and in time, you will look back at the affair momentarily, then? Smile and carry on with what you are doing as that was the old you. The new you is fan, shiny, with so much to offer…..
Oh, and if I’m busy writing another novel and forget to drop by – MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL.
I’m 14 months past dday. I’m working on reconciliation with my husband but it’s so hard! Some days are good but there are days when I fall into the rabbit hole and obsess about his multiple affairs and ONS (10 plus women in 5 years) We are planning a trip to Maldives to celebrate my 40th birthday. That was the same place where his AP flew to join him. I really want to replace those horrid memories (i saw the photos of them together) with our new memories. But I can’t shake off the uneasy, antsy feelings. Am I a glutton for self torture and misery for going on this trip?
You’re not a glutton for self torture! You are simply demonstrating your strength and determination to get past this horrible episode and create new happy memories. Multiple affairs are a huge obstacle to overcome. My gut feeling is that your husband needs to address a LOT of issues and will need a very good therapist to do so. I hope he is getting this help for your sake. Enjoy your trip together and let me know how it goes. I wish you much love strength. SWxo
SW, many thanks for your encouragement. My husband and I are not in any MC or IC, cos it’s hard to find good therapists here in Asia. In all the blogs I’ve read, I have yet to come across one written by an Asian 😦 We are coping as best as we can as I realized that (though I was not to blame) I too played a part in shutting out his needs when my kids were much younger.
Ian, my husband is a pilot and Maldives is one place his airline operates to. I was the one who suggested following him on his work trip. In a counter intuitive? way, I need to exorcise this demon. We have 20 years of history together. I believe my husband is a changed man and I want to fight for our marriage. Of course, I categorically told him that this is the only chance he will ever get. Call me a fool, in a Pollyanna way, I NEED to believe that our best stories are still unwritten.
Dare I ask just why you are going to the Maldives with full knowledge that this is where your husband carried on aan affair? Did you choose it or did he?
Me? I don’t go anywhere or do anything that reminds me of my ex wife and her affair in any way. I changed career, I changed homes, I changed the places I go and have a coffee or drink… all I can say is ‘you have more strength than me!’ as being some where he carried on his affair would cut me all day and all hight like a thousand knives.
However – good luck, my deepest sympathies for this shit fest you are forced to deal with, and above all? I hope you make it to a place of calm and love.
No, I’m not ever going to call you a fool for I know first hand the pain of discovering an affair and how it near destroys you in an instance.
I will however call you brave, kind, courageous and incredibly, incredibly forgiving and I wish you nothing but the very best life can give you. I shall raise my glass to you and wish you well!
I hope Easter was a time of much love and fun (and plenty of choccie scoffing!) I thought of you and every one here as I travelled up over arctic Norway on my northern lights watching holiday. It was my reward to myself for writing six novels. A little time away for myself, something I could never do with an abusive spouse. It was lovely and I satvwatching the skies fill with colour, at total peace with the past, the lessons and any future I can build.
So with that in mind, I wish everyone here a peace filled future no mattern what paths you travel upon!
Thanks, Ian, lovely to hear from you! What a wonderful reward for yourself, I’m sure it was an absolutely amazing sight! Thank you for your upbeat message, so good to hear. SWxo
I just read your post about the “special not so special wedding rings”… and it made me smile. Terrible I know but it’s so much how I’m feeling right now. I haven’t worn my rings in a month and can’t stand the thought of putting them back on. I know it bothers him but hell, what do they mean anymore beyond a broken vow and promise?! It’s infuriating to say the least. Living with the frequent intermittent triggers and still maintaining a smile, it’s exhausting. No one has dared asked why my rings aren’t on my hand… but i haven’t been around family much lately. Those rings just bring a reminder of how disrespected and unimportant I was in the moments he spent with the skanky slut and the moments he spent texting her and thinking not about his loyal wife at home… sorry – language check! Anyone else feeling the same and having similar thoughts?
Oh hell yeah I did.
He is lucky because when I found out my skanky now ex was cheating I stood on the sea shore and threw mine into the sea. Gone.
Your thinking about putting them back on? Look him in the eye and tell him: if I ever trust you ever again, I’ll think about wearing it. Till then? You made your bed .
Cheaters. They want their cake and another slice of your cake as afters! Talk about bare faced cheek! Oh, and as for emotions? Took me 4 YEARS to return to a healthy happy state. Yeah. Four years. It’s one terrible journey and I’ve nothing g but sympathy and support for you!
This is the best blog i have read. Unfortunately I’m on the opposite side. I cheated on my husband before we got married, he knew about it, and we still got married. We will be married 5 years and it seems like only recently that these wounds have opened. What can I do. I have ADHD and our realities are so different. I love him, and desperately want to take his pain away. I want to kill myself when I realize how muxh pain i gave caused him, but I know that won’t help. I know I’m scum. I know I ain’t shit. I need help what can i do when he is disgusted with me. Because I cheated, he brings up my past life that was before I even met him. I want hin to see me now. Please help
You cheated. You destroyed the one single most precious thing you can NEVER have back: another humans unconditional love, adoration and trust.
You NEVER get that back. He should not of married you. That was his mistake. Your mistake was being an easy ho for some one to have a good go on whilst your loving boyfriend waited for you. That’s a disgusting low mean dirty thing to do.
That’s the bad news. Now for the good.
It will take time, many years of time to heal. Me? I say if no children are involved a cheater should be left forever in the dust. However, with hard work and plenty of professional help and expertise? You could patch things up. However, a word of warning: everything you ever had or could of had is dead. You are now in a new reality and a new existence. Mourn the old then try build a new.
Good luck but i still say he should walk away and leave you where you belong. But that’s me.
So I’m about 2 months post DDay but seem a little different to most of the other posts on here.
I have been with my partner for 6 years, he started cheating on me before he proposed, after he proposed, before we got married, after we got married, while I was pregnant and after I had our daughter…so all up nearly 3 years until I found the texts and my world fell apart.
He’s very sorry, remorseful etc and doing/saying all the “right” things. I just hate that he made those decisions for me. I know it sounds stupid but I thought we had a great relationship, he and therapy though are opening my eyes to his issues though, which doesn’t excuse what he did, just makes me wonder how I didn’t see the low self esteem, inability to communicate and feel emotions….albeit he “knew” he loved me, wanted to marry me and have a family with me…to say I am confused is an understatement.
I’ve really appreciated reading your blog SW and those who also post here.
I scare myself sometimes with how ok I seem to be handling things, I mean I know I’m resilient but this is some horrible shit.
I guess I feel like as we have basically no history in regards to our marriage as he has been cheating on me the whole time, why am I still here… and why wouldn’t I leave and start again, our baby is barely 7 months old. I told him to move out, so he’s rented an apartment nearby and sees us / speaks to me constantly. I have no idea when I may let him move back in.
He just seems so genuinely lost and broken and whilst what he did is inexcusable he was for the most part a great partner and I made all my life decisions based on the love he showed me and I felt for him….I’m trying to work out of it’s worth him sorting his shit now so we can have the relationship we were always meant to or if he’s done something like this so soon it’s just the worst omen…
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated based on your experience, I’m not trying to make a decision at the moment…but I guess as we all know, information is power, however much it hurts.
Forever Broken said:
Laura, I have a similar situation in that my husband has had multiple “episodes” throughout our 33 years together (married 28 yrs/with 3 children). After his last attempt to pick-up a woman (right in front of me) on New Year’s Eve 2015, I decided this behavior was not a “mistake”, but a character flaw that he had to come to terms with- once and for all. Since this last D-Day, we have spent the last 3 years trying to figure out his patterns and reasons for cheating. Many hours of therapy and all night talks. At first, he tried to make some quick promises and “be good”, but was resistant and angry when I would challenge his sincerity about real change. He tried to avoid looking at himself and the pain. Men deal with uncomfortable emotions with anger, but for him to truly heal, he had to be uncomfortable at time. He has cheated on every girlfriend he ever had (prior to marrying me) and came to me with issues (sex and porn addiction and low self-esteem) before I ever knew him. He did a great job of hiding most of his insecurities and deviant behaviors. I really had no idea except for the few times I caught him. When the truth stated to come out, I was hurt and confused, because I thought I knew him so well. He had a whole secret life he kept hidden from everyone. Some history to help explain- He was sexually assaulted at age 13 by a 42 year old woman and developed very destructive beliefs about women, sex and relationships. He lived until recently, never realizing these sub-conscious beliefs and how they had affected his emotions and behaviors over the years. Every time something good happened in our life (engagement, marriage, babies, etc.), he would cheat. He never felt good enough and didn’t trust women or love and would sabotage his happiness. He always did and said the right things to me after he was caught cheating and I would forgive him, but then would find himself in the same depressed state again and feeling the urge to prove his worthiness and to numb his pain with the use of women, porn, etc… Like your husband, he had no idea how to communicate or manage his emotions and he used sex to try to “feel better”, but always felt even lower after his cheating. He hated himself. He was a good actor- no one knew. He has finally accepted full responsibility and is doing the real work of healing, because he finally hit rock bottom and I required him to dig deep and find real answers. I challenged him on everything until we turned over ever stone over and over again. This 3 years has been an exhausting process for both of us. Honesty is the key- to himself and to you. It was in the lies that allowed him to hide and to not address his real issues. He is re-learning what love, intimate connection, and commitment look like. Vulnerability and honesty is something he didn’t trust, but is something he is learning to embrace now. I do not know why your husband struggles with low self-esteem and insecurities, but behind his behaviors is always fear and pain. To truly change, he has to be willing to honestly dig deep and to allow you to be part of this very real and raw process and to understand what he is avoiding and numbing. This is not an easy fix, but if he is willing to do the hard work, your relationship can be rewarding. He will likely try to fix things quickly and move on, but make him do the real work. Good Luck.
Thank you so much for replying Forver Broken.
He is trying to work out his causal issues as he refers to them, he is seeing a therapist and doing a lot of self-help, talking to me a lot and we’re seeing a marriage counsellor.
He cheated with the same person though (after an initial one night stand) and although I’ve seen a lot of the texts, how do I know he wasn’t going to leave me for her eventually…I’ll never know. He never said that he loved her (not in a text anyway) never talked badly of me or our relationship…but every time she questioned him of why he was still talking to her / having sex with her he would say not much but that he needed to “figure out what he wanted” which he tells me is him trying to extricate himself from the situation….??? And not realising that he was feeling as bad as he was, but hiding it.
I feel like I imagined my husband as this beautiful creature who loved me so much…maybe I did imagine it…maybe that’s where I went wrong…I stopped seeing the real him. Every time I would ask him what was wrong he would blame work (military)…
I want to believe the real him, my person I fell in love with is still in there…and he assures me that he is, he just has to find him. I really hope he can, and I guess that’s what scares me the most…what if I buckle down now (instead of leaving) and he can’t find him and I end up on your merry go round (sorry)..
I’m so humbled by the love and dedication you have shown your husband over your years together, he is so lucky to have you and I’m sure he knows that. I don’t know if I could do that.
I hate this shit.
Forever Broken said:
Laura, Sounds like you and your husband are doing it right. Try to work it out if possible (from what I hear from family and friends- divorce can be a horrible solution and should be a last resort). Time is on your side, so take all the time you need. He will be patient if he truly wants to reconcile. Do hold him accountable (and it sounds like you are). It also appears that he didn’t want to leave you (and MANY men don’t want to leave their wives). Seems like he was trying to keep the affair and his marriage separate and wasn’t fully committing to her. That doesn’t help your pain or give him an excuse. Men are stupid and like the excitement of the affair- takes them away from the stresses of life. Much of the time, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the marriage or with you, so don’t accept any of the blame. He made a devastating decision and he alone should take responsibility. For years, I tried to figure out my role in his behavior, but realized my only fault was loving and trusting too much and that his issues started before I ever knew him. I have believed in him more than he believed in himself, so that is the only reason we have survived for almost 34 years together. I think he realizes now just how I have actually been his rock and support through the years. My husband is making a complete transformation for the better and I believe he is a better man. Now, for me to figure out how to feel whole and safe in this marriage. That is the work I am doing now- rebuilding myself. Just a few questions- Are you sure he isn’t still in contact with the other woman and do you have full access to his phone, email, social media, etc.??? Who knows about this infidelity and who is a part of your support system? If everything you said is true about his efforts and the counseling, I think you could be a success story. Trust your instincts and trust the process. Sending lots of support your way and I will be hoping for the best. Be sure to check-in occasionally to let us know how your story works out. Sorry you are here, but you are with understanding friends. We sadly share your pain. – Forever Broken
Laura – I hate this term … it seems like such a POS cop out … but do some reading on Affair Fog. “Finding himself” is really just him needing to get distance from the situation – and the AP if he’s still in anyway connected to her. Until that happens … there is no way he’ll be able to “find himself.”
I am 15 months post DD#2 … my WH is a lot like your guy. I learned after 5 years of marriage that he’d been having inappropriate sexual conversations with various women he met through sex hookup sites. We never dealt with DD#1 in 2007 and we simply swept it all under the rug. After DD #2 I learned that there were many other inappropriate conversations and that he’d met “2 or 3” others between 2013 and June 2017. But this AP was the only person he slept with and even worse – built an emotional attachment to her. He stayed connected to her from June 2017 until she supposedly broke things off in January 2018 – 2 months before our “hysterical bonding” baby was born.
It’s been a rough 15 months. I’m still not sure if my WH is the man I see or the man he allows me to see. I can tell you, however, that the biggest progress on reconciliation only truly started in April … which was 3 months after she cut off him off.
So again … real him … or fake him … I don’t know yet.
It’s weird to say that I “know” anything at the moment, but for some reason I “know” or I’m just blindly trusting (still) that he is not in contact with her since he cut her off the day I found out. He showed me that text before he sent it.
She has tried to contact him but he showed me the whatsapp msg and we replied together before he blocked her.
He called my parents and told them what he’d done the day I found out.
I told him to do that. I’m not sure why, but after my initial hysteria, that was my first reaction. I screamed at him “now you call my parents and tell them what you’ve done”! And he did, no questions asked.
I have a great support network and all of my close friends know. I was reading the SW blog on who did you tell and I’ve told a lot of people; my close friends (about 10), my GP who helped me with my ongoing referral for my therapist and my therapist. My feeling is I need their support whether I stay with him or not and I couldn’t look them in the face during this time and hide what was happening to me (I cry too much).
This is my life at the moment and those people are closest to me and in those times where I’m doubting my relationship, I have no doubt that those people are there for me which makes it easier. Their calls, their texts, their hugs, their wine and food and love for my daughter is making this something I feel like my husband and I can get through.
I do have access to his phone, emails etc. but I don’t look very often. I’m not sure why, I never did until DDay so I hope I don’t turn into one of those people because of what he’s done, it’s just not me. Although, as you say Forever Broken, I’ve realised my part in this is having to find a new me as a lot of the old me is gone thanks to my husbands insecurities and because yes (most) men are incredibly stupid and he didn’t think there was anything “wrong” with him and that he didn’t need help.
Watching him tackle his demons head on is scary and sad, but it gives me some strength that we may have a good chance. One thing I used to hate but that now helps me get through at least the first part of my day is that since day 3 after DDay, he has read a pledge he wrote to me about what he has done and what he wants for our future every morning. The pledge is more for him, but now that I’ve heard it nearly 90 times, I’ve started to take some positives from that.
2018isanewme; I will look into what you mentioned, thank you. I have so much respect for your strength. I don’t know if my husband has ever been inappropriate with anyone before, I’ve asked and he’s said no. I guess I’m just trusting the process and I have no reason to think there were others, as all communication was with this one woman (sorry attempt for a homewrecking whore is what I usually refer to her as).
It’s crazy what you’ve mentioned about the hysterical bonding baby. I’m a little jealous as I would love another baby, but that is what I have been absolutely petrified of happening until we are at least a few years clear of this mess. So I had my GP put an IUD in pronto!
I get the desire to have all your kids by the same man though, at least then you only have to deal with one fuckwit when it comes to your kids.
I can’t imagine what it must be like being Kate Hudson having to deal with 3! Although I’d love to be Kate Hudson, I’m sure musicians aren’t fuckwits at all and she has great co-parenting relationships with all of them…..but I digress…
As everyone has said, I hate that this group exists but I’m so thankful for you. As great as my friends are, only one has experienced infidelity at our age (34) and unfortunately I think it hits a nerve for her when we speak as I get the feeling her & her husband may not have dealt with everything.
So I’m making sure I do the opposite. I’ve always been a bit of an open book and I didn’t do anything wrong, everyone makes mistakes and if my relationship ends up being a mistake then I’ll deal with that too. Life goes on and far worse things have happened to much better people.
I take the positives where I can now, and the last few days have been pretty good all things considered. The ups and downs are one crazy ride though!
I can’t believe I’m spending the last 5 months of my maternity leave dealing with this shit though; did NOT see that happening, but so thankful that I don’t have to work during this time.
5th Christmas since I discovered my abusive ex and her affair coming up.
I’ve written a six book series with fans around the world.
I went to Arctic Norway to see the northern lights.
I’ve slowly rebuilt my life and can learn to drive now.
I’ve rebuilt my health, slowly with the healing my doctors steered me through. My depression is well controlled, I’m in a good place looking forward to Christmas and 2019.
Life goes on. And you know what? If you’d of said in 2014 I’d meet and fall head over heals in love with someone again in my mid forties I’d of just ignored you.
Truth is, it hit me like a bolt out of the blue and I’m totally smitten. Absolutely adore this mad bundle of art, dance, colour and energy that bowled me right off my feet.
So. That’s my update. You do heal. You do get past it. You do love again & it’s beautiful (she knows all about my past, about the whole sorry saga and she just smiled, put more wood on the wild camp fire and sang her ancestors songs as I laid and listened.)
To all in this sorry club of deception and grief: my love and prayers for your healing. If you stay with them I wish you strength and wisdom as well as love. If you leave them? May the universe reward you with abundant joys and hearts desires.
Ian, that is the most wonderful news I’ve heard all month! So happy for you. Trusting again takes a leap of faith – and you took it. Wishing you peace and immense joy! SWxo
2nd of July marked our 25th Wedding Anniversary, it came and went without acknowledgement, does he not get it our ‘marriage’ ended the day he slept with someone else!! We just happen to be two people who have lived together for that length of time now, pretending to the outside world everything is normal, if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have bothered, 25 years wasted if you ask me.
Still. Broken. It has been 7 years for me and it is still very difficult. He was seeing a skank that was at that time had been married 6 times! It is 7 times now. We were planning our 33 anniversary. We were going to take a trip on our motorcycle and travel for the week and even talked about renewing our vows then. He instead started an affair with her. He COMPLETELY stopped talking to me. I asked him to look at the computer so we could plan our trip and he said No. He was so incredibly mean to me. He took my cell phone battery and I told him that he had to call me if he took it. Needless to say he didn’t call but depleted my battery as well texting her. One night he even woke me up at 2:30 am and we had sex. It wasn’t what I could of ever imagined. Agtwr he was finished he rolled over and would not even acknowledge me. I turned on the light and sat on the side of our bed crying asking him what in the hell was that. His response was turn off the fucking light! It’s 2:30 in the morning and I have to get up and go to work. He then proceeded to text that skank hours after violating me. We were supposed to leave on our trip but I could see that it would not be possible as he wasn’t even speaking to me. That Friday night he told me that he wanted what was best for both of us. Stunned, I asked him if this was his Dear John letter to me. He shrugged and said that he would always care for me. I then asked him that after 33 years you can’t even tell me that you will always love me. He shrugged and repeated that he would always care about me. The next night I woke up and felt like I couldn’t breathe. The room was spinning and my head hurt so badly. I called out to him to please help me. He wouldn’t turn over in bed to even look at me. His response was So What In The Fuck Do You Want Me To Do Call You A Fucking Ambulance!!! I finally made the way out to the couch. He didn’t care enough to even check on me. The next day was DDay. I woke up asking him if we could do something, anything and his response was No, not interested. I then checked his phone history and found out what he was up to. I confronted him and asked him what he wanted and he said I don’t know, I’m confused. I then asked him if he had feelings for her and he told me yes, she’s the one I have feelings for not you. He proceeded to tell me that I was nothing to him and that he wanted a fucking divorce from me. I was crying hysterically. I felt so shaky and fell to my knees. He then said look at you who in the fuck would ever want you, look at you. After that he told me all sorts of great things he could see in her. That she was a really good person. A really good mother and on and on. He couldn’t shed a tear for me or us. I couldn’t take any more and left. He claims he called her and told her that I found out. He also said she begged for him to “pick” her. I came back and he was gone. I put all his clothes in a bag outside. He returned but I wouldn’t let him in. He said I have the phone records. So what! So did I. I told him to leave, he very willingly left in our motorhome. He never shed a tear or even apologized. He then drove to the store and got his groceries! Our anniversary was exactly 1 week from DDay. My birthday is the day after our Anniversary. He came out in the afternoon and gave me a card on our anniversary. The next day was my birthday. I sat alone all day. That night I sang Happy birthday to myself as I cried. Ultimately we tried to work through it but it isn’t the same anymore. We tried to celebrate our anniversary the next year and even renewed our vows. I HAVE REGRETTED IT EVER SINCE!!! I was definitely not in a place mentally to do that. We have not ever again celebrated our anniversary or my birthday. The pain is still there. The words he said to me will never leave my heart. I know I will never be the same. Our life is now miserable. I can’t even look at him and feel what I once felt for him! He failed me, he failed us. Sorry for the rambling…
Even after 7 years the pain is still horrible. He has said so many disgusting and horrible things to me. On dday after he left he never called or even text me, not to even check on me. Broken is such a light word when you feel destroyed. The next day he came over and asked me for skanks husbands number. ( I was able to get it through a friend) and he proceeded to apologize to him. He hadn’t even apologized to me yet!! He then looked at his watch and told me female coworker was coming over at 10 so he had to leave. Really!! I’m raw and broken and you need to talk to her not me!!! How do you ever feel whole again? I’m still waiting. Btw when he said on dday look at you who in the fuck would ever want you. I am thin but after I was literallya walking skeleton, I get many compliments on my appearance. He left me with such insecurities. He has even since day said many cruel things to me.
What makes you stay?
What makes any of stay?
Hi SW, thinking of you this holiday season. Re-reading some of these old posts on cusp of 2020… realize it will be seven years since you found out. It will be four for me in July 2020… I was counting down to five years since DDay and then initiating split because here’s the thing… I know I am NOT going to get over this. I stayed for our daughter with cancer (still doing ok and married now almost 2 1/2 years to her wife.. yes… so glad she married a woman!!) and our disabled son is home stretch to HS graduation. I have forgiven my husband but I don’t see him as the same man I married. But then again, I’m not the same woman either. His affair changed more profoundly than motherhood did in some ways. I have dragged and crawled my way thru recovery thru therapy, couples therapy (most useless), Al anon (most effective) and more. My mom died last year and I just marked the first year anniversary. That added to our estrangement. He’s almost 65 and both is parents are still alive. We have very little in common except our kids. And they grow up fast and faster. If you children were super young in 2013, they are no longer anymore. The youngest must be in school now as first or second grader and the oldest in middle school years.. almost HS. So I have to throw out there – because you’ve been so wonderfully honest with all of us… what is keeping you there.. now that they are not wee ones anymore. Trust me at age 57, I’d say cut your losses and move on because ageism for women in the dating world is real and the longer you wait… the smaller your field of choice with men (assuming you are still interested in men and dating… maybe you aren’t… no judgement there; I won’t be for a long, long time!) This marriage seems like a dead end for you… so what makes you stay other than the security of knowing your kids dad is around and your aren’t going thru divorce as of yet? As they grow up and age, we can’t kid ourselves that our children and teens don’t pick up on the bad energy in our homes between their parents. I know my son did and still does and he’s on autism spectrum so he has a 6th sense for the tension. He knew my husband was up to something shady on his phone for months.. before I did… he picked up early on his dad’s constant attention to his phone. M son warned me, at age 13, saying, “Mommy … dad is on his phone so much… he’s in love w/his phone!” He intuitively knew that someone was on the other end that he loved or felt love for!! So what am I so afraid of? Loneliness? Being alone… sometimes, though, I like my own company and alone time. Financial security with a husband who makes way more than I do? Probably. Worry about my kids as they age with parents split. Sure, my mom was divorced from two husbands… so I’m extra gun shy about doing this while also knowing it’s over in many ways. But I won’t be the one to initiate separation… because right from the affair’s discovery, he wanted to make it into some kind of mutual decision and I’ll be damned if I give him that… so he doesn’t have to feel any remorse, guilt or responsibly for initiating the end of our marriage un-equally and deceitfully thru an affair. That’s on him and him alone. My husband wants to hear my goals and as I don’t have any other than Live in Peace/Serenity and Do NO Harm to Myself or Others. My former al anonic self was control freak and knew what I had planned and my goals for every week and weekend. That drove my husband bonkers; now my lack of planning does… he doesn’t know who I am anymore just like I didn’t know who he was when affair came out. Go figure. My goal for each day is peace. That’s why the separation will have to be his doing. I’m still committed to staying til our son graduates 2021. Then we’ll see. But I truly don’t know how you are doing it…. year seven. You are a warrior, I am too… we all our. Cause the suckiness of suck affair suck town in marriage is real. No one gets it who hasn’t been thru it. NO ONE. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time.. I use my faith, I try to keep my mouth shut and not share and I have stopped having sex w/him because I told him I can’t have sex w/a spouse who doesn’t open up to me emotionally. I’m not looking for a hook up with a spouse. I have raised my expectations for what I want in a close/intimate relationship and this marriage doesn’t meet them. He’s a closed book emotionally to me and has been for most years of our 31 so now I am too. I realized that once I stopped emoting and over-sharing, as marriage counselors suggested I do, he didn’t open up like that said he would… he got even more shut down. So screw most of the marriage counselors too…most have been a complete waste of time and money. Ok, folks, that’s my rant for week. Next time … I’ll write and want to hear about trust – not just trust in marriage but how this affected trust in all areas of our lives. Happy, Merry Holidays to all and Serene, Peaceful start of self-care and self-acceptance in 2020 too. XO Molly Magee
I stay for now because I don’t want to share my children on weekends. SWxo
PS: To above… He asked for a separation in November 2019.I asked him to wait until the year anniversary of my mom’s death passed which it just did. So be it. I won’t beg him to stay and I won’t give him the boot either. This one is on him.
My husband had an “emotional affair” 15 years ago. It went on for a year and 8 months. I still have a difficult time believing it was only emotional, but I cannot find any evidence otherwise and he swears it never got physical. It was headed that way (to becoming physical) until he panicked and broke it off.
Anyway, this past weekend there was a “trigger” that set me off….I told him about it and he again apologized. He said, for the first time to me anyway, that he really believed Karma was a total bitch. He believes it was his infidelity that “caused” him to tear his Achilles tendon 13 years ago. He believes it was karma that made the tear not heal and required surgery, that lead to an infection and more surgery. His worry that I would find out about the affair (which he had just ended, right before tearing his Achilles) then lead to him getting shingles a month later. Right after he developed shingles, he had blood work done that showed an anomaly and it was discovered he had cancer (again, he believes it was karma). It was a sucky time, and since I did not yet know about his affair I stood by him and took care of him. He said that made him realize even more how lucky he was…yet, even then, he still hadn’t cut off all communication with the bitch because he didn’t want to be the “bad guy”. As a matter of fact, he didn’t cut off all communication with her until well after I found out about the whole mess a good year or so later!
I am so conflicted at times. I still do not trust him, and I know I never will. He has and does actually try to make things up to me, but I’m just not sure he can. I think the damage is too deep. However, his saying all that out loud did affect me, I’m just not sure how. Is it because I am glad that karma is a bitch? (due to his cancer and a medication he takes, he also started going bald…which is also a bitch….). Am I just being vindictive? Is that okay? Is it okay to be vindictive when the man you trusted with your life betrays you?
My husband swears that the cancer he got after his many affairs was “karma”. I’d like to bloody think so. I have no real love for him anymore but we still live under the same roof.
The damage was too deep to be repaired. I go through life not living, but existing.
Forever Broken said:
I hear you say that you only co-exist with your husband and that the damage is too much to repair at this point. Just wondering, is your husband aware of how distant you are and do you carry on as if life was normal? I am sure he probably realizes that you are not the same, but do you think he would be surprised to know just how far gone you actually are?
I only ask these questions because I am just over 4 years past D-Day and I often wonder if I am only pretending to be normal because it has been so long and is too difficult to keep dragging up the past. We are doing great most days, but I carry this pain and doubt every day.
There are times I think I should just move out while my husband is at work or away on business and get on with my life. I don’t think my life would be better (the pain lives here now), but at least I can stop pretending. If I ever did move out, I think he would be shocked and surprised to know just how much pain I still carry with me. It’s not that I haven’t told him, but it’s that he doesn’t really want to know. I am sometimes resentful to think that he doesn’t even want to know how I feel. It’s more about how it makes him. He doesn’t want to know how much pain I live with because he can’t face that in himself.
I think we are both pretending. Maybe he would be relieved if I left too.
Same here, and it’s really sad. I’m 16 years out from his affair, about 13 years out from D-day. I’d like to live, not just exist, but afraid I don’t know how anymore. Not sure I’d ever trust anyone enough to love again…..
I’m sorry that you all are going through the same pain and sadness that I’ve gone through, but reading all your comments makes me feel that at least I’m not alone. I am just a few months short of 5 years from D-day. There’s really nobody I can talk to about this because I know people would be thinking, “why doesn’t she give it up or move on?” So I put a smile on my face and pretend that all is okay and that what happened is all in the past. The sad truth, however, is that I’m only okay as long as I’m distracted and not thinking about it. If I’m having a bad day or it’s a day where my husband isn’t particularly nice to me, it all comes back over me with the force of a tidal wave. I still wonder how much of the whole sordid story I don’t know. (He swears he’s told me everything.) It kills me wondering if they’d still be together if I hadn’t accidentally found out about them on that fateful day. I am grateful for all the good things I do have in my life, but I’m honestly not sure if it was the smart thing to do to stay with my husband. I’m 67 years old and I think, “do I want to leave the house I love, lose half my finances in a divorce, live alone, lose all my couple-friends?” Sometimes when we’re good I think I’m glad I stayed, but honest to God that good feeling can be toppled so easily by any one of the millions of triggers that still come up constantly and I can find myself looking at him and thinking, “what the fuck am I still doing with you, you cheating, lying, betraying, piece of shit?” Sorry if that sounds terrible, but that is how I really sometimes feel and to ANYONE who thinks any of us should be “over” it should just have it done to them to know that once something like this happens to you, your life is never the same. You never feel quite comfortable any time he’s out for hours, or anytime you see him getting or receiving a text. You look at him closely for signs of betrayal when he’s talking to you about someone in the office. You always wonder, “would he really rather be with her tonight?, does he secretly wish he could see her again?” I try to be happy and sometimes I actually succeed, but living with the fact that my husband, the man who pledged his love and fidelity to me, preferred another woman over me and was with for over 2 years, honestly deep down inside, has turned my life into an existence. I often think about what one friend of mine, whose husband cheated on her with a GUY and lied to her for 10 years before he finally admitted it, says, and that is “you don’t get OVER it, you get THROUGH it.” Hopefully!
Blown away, T-shattered, Forever broken… I’m with you. I don’t think they want to or can or care to really get what their affair did to us. They don’t want to really look at it. Then they’d have to really face the a-holes they were. My husband wants to just move on and “be happy” and have that NEW post affair marriage. I’ve told him to turn his damn timer off on rushing me thru this. I’m almost four years from D-Day and I heal thru focusing on me. But that doesn’t mean I think our marriage will ever fully heal from this and/or that I’m the same at all. The word I keep hearing is TRUST above or lack of it. We can forgive and love the person who hurt us like this but it kills our trust of them and forgetting is a whole other story. We KNOW in our hearts that another woman, if only in their deluded, addicted affair, was being chosen over us. We know another relationship was being nurtured, and courted, and developed right under our deluded noses. We know it probably wouldn’t have lasted if he left us for her but who cares? We know in our hearts his heart left ours. They just don’t GET this or want to get or understand it. I don’t feel the same way about myself around him that I did. My confidence in US, in me, is gone… around him. I’m fine around others but not him. It is the best acting job I’ve ever done… I fake it for our last child’s sake at home… 1.5 years til he graduates HS and then I think we are done. I’ve used these last four years to grow up in a way that sadly…his affair forced me to do. I was very, very co-dependent on him, with him. No more. Yes, there’s aspects of being married that still benefit me.. financial, help with our disabled teen son, some parts of family life with our daughter and her spouse, but us as couple? Our team…. the team that helped our daughter through her cancer (yes…he cheated thru our daughter having cancer in her mid 20s!!!) and that I thought was so incredibly close thru it…. that WAS the LIE… not what I’m doing now. Now I’m coping and separating my self esteem relying on how he treats me or thinks of me. Now I’m in the WHO CARES what HE THINKS of me stage of post affair marriage. I’m here to care for our son and give him the stability to get thru HS that he needs. I know longer am here for me in the marriage. That’s done. Here’s what helps: swimming, praying, being together with friends, seeing family, laughing with my kids, listening to Joyce Meyer on Youtube (even if you are not Christian …her messages are great!), working my job in education, being grateful that my daughter and son are healthy, watching stupid tv shows (so I don’t over-talk to him) and just living in the day and moment. Both Co-Dependence Anonymous and Al Anon have been hugely helpful in the process of moving on in MY recover …I can’t recommend them enough.I am an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) and this deeply affected my reaction to his affair. I think if I wasn’t an ACOA I would have had the confidence to kick his butt out four years ago… but so be it… I’ve learned so much in the last four years…no regrets. Mostly I’ve learned to stop focusing on him so much and focus on me…my goals, my dreams, my hopes and trying to trust that all will be ok. I don’t even care if I have another love relationship again.. I just want to love myself and be content and have serenity. The after effects of an affair leave everything so un-serene and peaceful between two people. It’s awful. All of you sound amazing but let’s not let FEAR of unknown control us. I’m not afraid to be alone, we’ve already lost all our couple friends (I was a basket case when it came out…the affair… so they all know) and I know my kids will continue to love us both. I watched my mom be a single woman from her mid 50s to her death two years ago in her late 80s..and frankly… all her friends were mostly alone…either thru divorce or widowhood and the happiest they had ever been. After about age 75, most women end up alone anyway (thru death or divorce) …so things equal out. I’m not waiting for my late 60s to happy. He knew his happiness matter.. NOW I do too..know I deserve to be happy. He’s not a bad man…he just did a lousy thing that completely changed how I see him and more importantly…how I see MYSELF. I’m 57 and look forward to how my late 50s and early 60s shape up. Be good to yourselves, practice self compassion and LIVE cause it’s over in a flash! Be well ladies. Hope some of above helped! Peace.
I couldn’t have said this better myself! I’m a little over 3 years post D-day and have decided that this is the year of me. I’m doing things I want to do, taking care of myself, making my own plans, and in charge. I’m no longer letting the affair be in charge of me. I know I’m worth it, a good person and that his affair doesn’t define me. I’m done, some letting that dictate who I am. No more wallowing in why did he do this to me, why am I not good enough, not pretty enough or thin enough. This is my turn to be me, to love me and take care of me, Cassie damnit he’s not going to. My faith in him is over, he is not a partner anymore, he’s my roommate. I don’t enjoy activities with him any longer and am quite happy to make my own plans. That’s me taking control. I’m here for my kids, and my separation will happen soon. I’m not afraid, I just had to myself my confidence, self with and love again. Those were things he stole, but I can’t let him steal them forever. I’m moving on, whether he can make changes or not, it’s my turn to be loved, happy and feel at peace.
We are so very similar. Not really living, just existing. I wish there were some community, where we could all exist together. We’ve all been through very similar experiences, we “get” each other. I bet if we existed together, in the same community, caring for each other, we’d stop existing and start living again.
Forever Broken, I think they know. My H commented the other night how I am always angry with him, always. And he is right, I am always angry.
Well…who is here during COVID-19…thoughts anyone? I was hoping for a post from our fearless writer/leader ShatteredWife, post the fires in Australia earlier this already crazy year, to let us know how she and her loved ones were… alas,I see nothing. I hope you are all ok SW!! Maybe this will inspire you to let us know how that is going… hint, hint! Here’s hoping. In meantime, this insidious virus has hit the USA as it’s ravaged most of the planet by now. Well, we knew it was coming but much like an affair that’s right under our nose… a lot of people (including some leaders; I won’t engage in politics here but had to mention) are in DENIAL. Still. But like the stink of an affair wafting thru a home and family, it’s here for good, and we are seeing it for what it is, horrifically fast moving and awful. Now most people are starting to really get it. They are going thru the stages of grief like we all have and seeing their lives, at least for time being, will never be the same. Most people are trying or have been forced, state by state, to legally shelter in place.Which means there’s a good number of us out there now living day in and out, 24-7, working at home, managing young ones to teens attempting on-line learning and keeping them busy, with our cheating spouse… a husband and in some cases here above,a wife around us constantly. No breaks. No time to just be us or the new us. What’s a betrayed spouse to do? We are literally getting no break from being around a person, if not THE person, who hurt us the most in our adult lives. But we are adults … not kids. We can still go for walks with friends or go to another room or just go to our peaceful, zen place of accepting silence but it’s NOT easy adjusting.About a week or so before our reality changed, as a gesture of good will, I threw a small (and what would be probably the last family/friend party for a good long while) for my spouse’s milestone 65th birthday. I did this as a good example for my kids and because he’s still the father of my children and I’ve lived with him since I was 26 and he was 33. I care about him but the love between us is gone and nothing new and profound and beautiful grew out of our marriage, post affair, like Ester Perl’s driveling rhetoric suggests. SMH! But we have tried. A lot. He has, I have. But we are DITW… dead in the water. All the work I had to do on myself to even breathe and function these last almost four years (therapy alone and with him), Al Anon, workshops, etc… has only shown me, despite raising two great kids and lots of wonderful memories and moments, how fundamentally incompatible we are especially moving forward to old age and death. Sorry to be dark but the times inspire it. And this health pandemic has really shown us all how short and precious life is. How do and who do we want to live it with? I’m having my own crisis of middle aged, almost 60 year old woman, sexuality. I’m grappling with identity issues and stuff around sexual abuse (in my childhood) as a result of this whole event. In the beginning, we had a lot of hysterical bonding sex starting about four months post Dday for a year, Then one day I woke up and realized… this guy still isn’t sharing his feelings, still holds his cards close to his chest and only opens up when we have sex. In other words, he’s a guy. Ok, big generalization but especially true of him. I realized…this is NOT what I want and not enough. (Just like he did with his affair… we are not having enough sex and that’s what I WANT…his thought process went.) I asked/begged/cajoled him to share more of himself (post the affair but all thru our marriage years) and he tried but he doesn’t. Part of him just can’t. A few months later, I told him I can’t have sex as the only way to be close and that I was stopping until I did. The ONLY way he can be close to me is thru sex. Part of me can’t have sex unless I feel closeness. It’s the chicken and egg story in the bedroom. When I brought this up and we hashed it out…sometimes calmly, sometimes in arguments… he did the same thing about talking and closeness as he did about the affair… he said my response to his emotions makes him shut down. But this time, as opposed to the affair, I accept NO blame. He would not allow him to dump that on me like he did with the affair. In fairness, he’s also an introvert and I’m an extrovert tho’ I’ve become more of an introvert (or rather more private and controlled with my feelings) around him to keep my emotions in check …. techniques I’ve learned in CBT and Al Anon. So now I’m not talking about much of anything with him. We had a honest heart-to-heart the other week. He said he has no hopes of having sex again with me and he’s probably right. So I’ve moved into the spare room and we live now as roomies which is what we pretty much established in that last chat. We agreed to keep things as normal and calm for our teen son (who is on autism spectrum and has one year of HS left) and that was before COVID-19 hit. He’s working from home and I’m at home teacher’s aide (and not in school obviously); so now we are here at homne with our son keeping him busy, doing on-line school work and not bored out of his mind around his parents as much as possible. From the outside, we probably look like a normal family. But are effectively roommates and co-parents and that’s it. We still talk but not about us or the relationship/marriage.We keep it to our son and practical matters. I treat him like a friend/roomie but that’s about it. (Oh, and about a month or so ago, pre-COVID’s arrival on our shores, I told him it was ok with me if he saw other women… because I can’t take the pressure to resume our sex life anymore. I just don’t want them in our home or around our children. Now that is on hold due to COVID-19 but he says he’s not interested in that offer, but he could be in future. Go at it…not my biz anymore.) BTW, our other child is married and lives nearby. I don’t consider this cheating as I gave my ok for him to take care of his physical needs with someone else until our son is done with HS and we legally separate and divorce, which is the path we are on. I feel no spark or even attraction. The aftermath of his affair and all the emotionality and bargaining and trying and then focusing on us and then focusing on me… has just ended it. I try really hard to “charge neutral” and not let my little resentments and anger eek out as it’s still want to do. They still do but less and less especially since we’ve established this new lifestyle. He knows how hard I’ve worked to forgive… the kicker is the trust and the forgetting. That is taking much longer. Frankly I don’t think it will ever all go and nor should it. He didn’t want to blow up our family life but he did. He did a stupid thing and he hurt me beyond what he still can really fathom. But I don’t want to focus on him anymore. I just want to keep calm and caring through this mess. His affair changed the way I think of him, but it also changed how I think about me. I don’t want to be angry at him anymore for what he can’t be for ME and I want to be free from the pressure of feeling I’m not what he needs for ME. No one is the bad “guy” …he did a shitty, bad, profoundly hurtful thing to me and our marriage and ultimately himself the most, but we are just so over, as they say. In some weird way, his affair has allowed me to stop hiding and start to accept. I probably should have never been in this marriage. It never really fit or felt right to me. That’s a huge change for me and will help me be less angry at him, less resentful, for blowing up our imperfect union. We humans, are, if not anything big messes of left over childhood hurt, rejection and pain, and we bring it into our adult lives. That doesn’t excuse him… it just is, what it is. If you met his mom… you’d understand. If you met my dad, you’d understand. And they are good people too… a wreck but good. Well, my dad is gone…his mom still walks the Earth…another story, for another time. (MIL from hell stories. LOL!) So how are you all doing out there in this new normal in your marriage and household with COVID-19?? Any tips, ideas to share? Well… I’ll close with my new catch phrase.. stay safe, sanitary, sane and six feet social distance til this nightmare passes. Peace to you all! Til we meet again. And one day at a time…. Be well, MollyMagee
Well, I just wanted to drop in, say hi, and see how you are doing out there!
And to say thank you.
Thank you for your honesty, thank you for your bravery, and thank you for a place where I could come and try make sense of my life in its worst moments.
I look back at the abuse I suffered and the affair my ex wife had – and realise a truth – this too shall pass. And it did. It did because you had laid out the beacons for us at to follow.
And I want to say thank you. For it allowed me to navigate to a new happy, joyous life.
My eternal gratitude.
I still write novels. It’s my new life and I have embraced it with a wild abandon.
I'ma Zero said:
I found you while looking for peace when I found out my husband was running around just after my dad died. I still look you up. My husband and I are still together, but it will never be the same. He still lies about what happened although I have proof. When my Mother passes, I will be able to make decisions. Thank you for being here.
i’mazero… I hope you don’t actually believe that…that you are a zero! You are not… as I heard in an al anon meeting today… “Don’t judge your insides but someone else’s outsides….” His betrayal is only a reflection of how fucked up he is (or she), how much s/he is addicted; how much s/he isn’t loyal and how he/she blamed you for his/her inability to love themselves. …I don’t care WHAT was going on in your marriage (no sex, lots of sex, stress of kids, stress of elderly parents, stress of death, money issues, etc.. the list goes on and on) NOTHING excuses or justifies this betrayal. NOTHING. Unless you were beating him or abusing drugs or booze around him or beating your kids… he had no cause to go behind your back… and even then… he could communicate to you and say he was unhappy and attracted to another woman or man. He was a COWARD.. .plain and simple. I hope you don’t wait til your mom is gone to have a life and leave … but I get it. I’ve stayed for other reasons but I have a deadline too. I just don’t understand how we, the betrayed, are EVER supposed to feel the same way about the person who betrayed us. How do we get that back??? We can’t. Our eyes are open…. we can’t shut them again or even rest them. We are always on guard or looking for signs it is happening again. I am not in the angst I was three or two years ago but I am not the same person anymore. I don’t feel the same way about myself so how can I feel the same way about him??? I just try to be gentle w/myself and compassionate and hope he feels the change in me that he won’t get to have like he would have if he had been patient and not selfishly in a rush to scratch his own itch. Remember – your mom, your kids, your true loved ones want you to feel cherished and content. Try to want the best for yourself too. I know it’s hard to not take what he did personally… when anyone learns how to not do that… please let us know how to do this… but do know… he’s lost a gem … YOU. I know my husband will NEVER find anyone like me ever again. I know he’s the one who has to live with what he did to us, to our marriage and family… that’s not my karmic burden to bare anymore. I did for three … almost four years… bare it. Not anymore. Therapy, al anon and more therapy has helped so much. Good friends too. I wasn’t perfect wife but I wasn’t what he was… a back stabber and coward. I can do better by myself. I know it. I’ll miss him and us forever to some degree because we had a lot of good too but the being on guard and not feeling the same about myself (yes, she was younger; yes she was more his type) I can’t shake. That’s for him to also live with. His affair messed my heart and mind up in a way not even losing someone to death has done…. and I’ve had a lot of deaths in my life. No one dies to hurt another person… people do have affairs to hurt their partner/spouse. Well… mission accomplished. Be gentle “zero” mostly with yourself. The rest will take care of itself. Let time and your own compassion for yourself heal you. If you believe in God or a higher power… ask them to be allow yourself to be compassionate to yourself. Do nice things for you. And let him see you will go one w/o him and have a good life. Peace.
No one here anymore… sniff. End of an era. I’m going to assume a lot is better in your marriage and therefore no posts since 2019. No news is good news. Sorry no one else posts here anymore either. It was a great forum while it lasted. Stay safe all.
I’m still here, Mollymagee! I still write an annual update every November. One coming up soon! Thank you for thinking of me. SWxo
I can’t wait for your update…. didn’t see one for this month… the annual. Didn’t ever get message your replied to me but glad you did and to Ian. We all miss your more frequent posts. November 2020 has now come and gone but crazy times. Eager to read it what you have when you have it…hopefully soon. We love your wisdom and honesty. My husband and I are moving toward separation by July 2021. Waiting out our second born’s graduation from HS in June. It’s time. The anger and hurt is not gone but less devastating. The trust is kaput. I told him … “your affair didn’t ruin me but it ruined me for you.” He kind of gets it. Tomorrow is our 24th wedding anniversary… we will most likely ignore it like we did our 32nd anniversary of meeting on USA Thanksgiving. Sad but true. I’m focused on getting my son thru last year of HS in Covid, teaching in Covid, volunteering and getting my paperwork and finances in order for separation. How does one tactfully let one’s wedding anniversary go by… hoping for no drama. Keep in touch SW. Hope you and yours are safe and sound.
Thank you, Mollymagee. I didn’t get around to doing an update in November. I got caught up in too much everything. I was just sitting here thinking I hadn’t written anything yet then I saw your message. I’ll take it as a sign. 😀 SWxo
Eagerly await your annual update… November 2020 come and gone and now almost half way through December 2020. We need you… do post please.
Molly Magee said:
Hi, I tried to post on your January 2021 post 3x and none were accepted. Am I doing this wrong or did I say something wrong? Here’s what I wrote: March 6, 2021:
Hi SW, so glad you are here if not doing any better. Like some other comments, given the pandemic, I did worry and wonder, if you were okay. All of us are vulnerable to this virus (of any age) and I did wonder if you and yours were well and safe. So, grateful you are and that you came back to do a 2021 post. I’m not sure why my comments weren’t accepted so I’ll try again here. I’m so sorry you are still suffering so much after seven years. I get the waiting until your children are older; I guess I wish you would go sooner due to my own struggles of going thru the aftermath of my spouse’s affair in my 50s as opposed to my 30s and 40s. So much less time left to create a new life. If I could re-do this event, I’d have found out when I was younger, but I don’t actually know how I would have reacted then either. Instead I was a 53 year old mom, on cusp of 54, with a young son with a disability and a young adult daughter with cancer diagnosis … stage 3C. Now that son is 18 and that daughter is married to her wonderful wife and 30 and is back in cancer treatment for second time. Life keeps coming at us but we can only live the life we are and deal with the deck of cards we have. But I respect your decision to stay, if even only for now, as I stayed for the last five years to get my son (on Autism Spectrum) through the end of MS and HS. Now I’m making the steps to let go … and I’ve worked my butt off the last five years in Al Anon and CODA (Co-dependent’s) to get my mind in a better place to do so because the first two years I was in total devastation and constant panic. My lizard brain, low order brain, 4 year old brain who saw her loved daddy leave/get invited to leave, all of them were running the show. I am not living with an alcoholic spouse but was raised in home and family with alcoholism and this greatly affected how I reacted to his affair; it was a huge trigger of loss of my father, stepfather to two divorces and then losing a brother to AIDS in the 80s. My dearest brother. But here’s the thing. I’m done looking at the past to justify my pain in the present. The pain in the present of his affair is enough to justify wanting to end my marriage. I see that there’s the idea of “remainers” and “leavers” but I think of us as all survivors of this trauma. There is no ONE way out and through this. It’s like that childhood silly song, “We’re going on a Bear Hunt”…. you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it, you have to go through it whether you stay or not. Or stay for awhile and then go. Or they go. Or they stay. Or they go and then you two decide they can come back. Or we go and then come back. There’s so many variations. It’s personal decision. Many marriages break up and divorce happens and then the space allows the two people to come together again years later … or remain parted forever. These spouses did give us our gorgeous, wonderful, amazing children and we built that family together but not all families and couples can remain together in aftermath of affair and it’s really okay. And some do, and that’s ok. It’s the staying and living with so much anger, resentment and sadness that I question and that I choose not to live with anymore. As I put earlier, that quote about life resounds, “Pain is inevitable (in life), suffering is optional.” I just don’t want to suffer anymore. I took his affair as a review of me as a woman, wife and mother and made it mine (in my very Co-dependent way) and it’s not. He has his own history of traumatic abuse at the hands of his mom as baby to young boy, the result of which is sex and love addiction, but I can’t make him admit that or face it. That’s his journey. The pent up rage he has at his mom got directed at me through his affair. His affair have very little to do with me at all but it’s taken me five years of tough, grueling personal work to get here. And I told him this recently, and it felt so powerful, that my goal for 2021 is: No more Victim” to this for me; I was victimized by his affair but I don’t have to remain a victim. I told my STBX spouse (who I don’t want to hate or resent for the rest of my life as that keeps me stuck in the past) that I think he would have cheated on any wife eventually, even one he was having sex with nightly. The look on his face was priceless because he knew I had his number. But again, enough with his faults and character defects, I have enough of my own to keep working on and that’s the path to where I want to be… a sweet, serene and self-accepting life. SW and all, please be good to yourself in big and little ways whether you stay or go. On cusp of 60 now, I see how fast it all flies; our children’s lives, our lives, our spouse’s life or our ex’s life … just life. It zooms by. And if C-19 has taught us anything… how very precious life is and that no one is promised tomorrow. Safety and serenity to all. Please don’t wait another two years SW to let us know how you are. You were missed!
Hi SW! I dropped by to see how you are, and let people have some of my own thoughts if that’s okay!
What a year. An absolute horrendous time endured by all, and it certainly put a lot of life into perspective.
6 years ago an abusive marriage broke my heart, soul and mind. I was in recovery for a long, long time. Now though? I just write and enjoy life.
And after 6 years? I can say that hand on heart, looking back is like looking at another life, another time alien almost.
And the pain has gone. For that I’m grateful beyond words. The hate for my 3x wife is still bright and fierce, but my therapist said that will never go after 14 years of abuse. I can accept and live with that.
So to all in this horrendous sea of pain that is infidelity? It does get better. It does hurt less as time goes by, and you will smile again.
My love to you one and all.
Always great to hear from you, Ian. I am still with my husband. We have our ups and downs but that’s life. I am usually OK but prepared for the worst. He won’t ever break me again. SWxo
You know this to be true, but I’ll write it for others to see – Recoveri g from this is a nightmare, and it changes you forever. No matter of you stay or leave, that grief, that heartache, that tsunami of destruction alters your internal landscape for the rest of your life.
And everyone sees it, feels it, knows it, and dare I say, it makes us a pillar of granite in the ocean of life. We know the rage of the sea, we were stripped bare by the forces, and what is left behind? Will stand no matter what. That is what the cheaters dont anticipate – we no longer need them. We no longer seek them out as we can take it or leave it. We are our own people and we can stand alone all day every day.
As for being with your husband? That takes amazing bravery, and I have no doubt what so ever that it took a lot of thought, effort and emotional energy to travel that road. I have nothing but the deepest heartfelt love and respect for you for that.
I will drop in nearer Christmas time as for the first time in decades, I am looking forward to it.
Dropping in with seasons greetings and a bit of festive cheer!
Just want to say that I am forever in your debt, and that your blog was an island of sanctity in a sea of pain.
6 years on? 6 years after living in a homeless hostel and being homeless? I’m having a blast with life, and really, really happy.
Not something I’d thought I’d write back in 2014 ever again, but? Here we are!
I hope you are well, and all of you are having a wonderful Christmas time.
Thank you, Ian. I’m so thrilled you are doing so magnificently! And I love that you pop in from time to time to let me know how you’re going. I’m glad my story helped you. SWxo
Where has the time flown? Goodness me what a mighty river of time has flowed since the day I found this bastion of sanity till this very day!
I thought, as I am enjoying the snow, to come and drop in, say hello, and give you my very best wishes for your journey – and – I say this in good faith, you have my absolute 100% admiration.
You created this oasis of calm for us readers to dive into, and it has mad all the world of difference – and I also directed people here who unfortunately finds themselves in the same boat but on day 1 week 1 year 0.
My best wishes, and yes, I am still beavering away at the keyboard!!
Thank you, Ian, I am always delighted when you drop in and leave a message on the wall! So glad to hear you are happy once more and still tapping away on that keyboard! SWxo
May 2021! Where oh where have the years flown to?
Dropping in to tell you as ever, that I will forever be grateful for your beacon of light in my darkest hours.
I hope you are well, doing things for yourself as well as keeping family safe and sound in these troubling times.
My fondest best wishes.
Dropping in to say hi – and to all the fellow travellers down this shitty path, I want to say that “Time does heal” and you will see the sun again. I promise. It takes a long time, it takes a lot of doing ‘other stuff’ and it takes a lot of bravery. But the sun does shine again and you will smile once more.
As for me, 6 and a 1/2 years now and I’m over it.
Sure I have mental scars. Sure I have physical scars. Yes I do. Yes it changed me in a few ways. But it didnt stop the sun from shining, and it didnt stop me from enjoying life again.
From suicidal to a happy life. 6 and a 1/2 years. It is possible.
Shattered , thank you. All my heart. Thank you. Your bravery and honesty guided my path. And I’m forever grateful. I hope life is treating you kindly and you are doing all those things for you that you want to do.
Warmest best wishes
Cathy Nichin said:
2014 when the truth began.
Now, 2021, still processing the pain, working to let it go, piece by piece.
Just tired of it-that it remains, like a sticky residue in my core-in my heart and in the middle section of my body.
Tired of all the depression pounds I have gained, while trying to work through it all.
Time to let go.
Time for me.
Time to make full decision(s) for me.
Time to make decisions for me and me only.
I have not been a selfish, self-serving person-no-i allowed my husband to control our marriage, standing back in the shadows, getting stepped on and abused so he could be happy.
I am so tired of doing that.
So I rant. To get it out and to be me.
I am angry
I am hurt
I hear selfish and terribly hurtful sentences.
And so I rant
Attend CODA (co dependence anonymous meetings; they have helped so much. Meetings around the world. Go here and look up by day and time and see links and click on it. Good luck.
I am dropping in to see how you are as you are often in my thoughts as I go about my writing and research!
Hope all is as well as can be through all this madness, but do drop by and let us know!
Here I am, Ian! 😊
Well good to know that you are still smiling!
I hope 2022 brings you many great blessings. Goodness knows you deserve them! And cake. Always extra cake. 🙂
I wish you would tell us how you are doing SW. Miss your posts still. Now in process of divorce. It’s time. Hope all is well w/you and your not so little ones… they must be getting big. Be good to you in 2022!! xo
Well, where has 2022 gone? End of April already? Time is zooming by – so I thought I’d drop in, say hi, see how you are doing out there.
Myself? Getting ready for summer – winter was a little brutal so will bask in the sun for as long as possible in the coming months.
With that said – I shall send you my best and warmest wishes, and I am seriously hoping that life is giving you lots of happy moments all daisy-chained together.
I’m not sure she’s even here anymore Ian. I suspect shattered wife is still married and just carrying on w/life having come to peace w/her spouse or healed things or just focusing on the day to day of mom hood. I, for one, have moved forward with separation and soon divorce and feel at peace with choices. I have forgiveness (some) now and see what he did as an exit affair. So be it. His loss mostly. I will always miss what was good about us (and there was plenty) but grateful to not be comparing myself to the OWomen (there wasn’t just one as I suspected and found out) and his feeling his judgement of me. Take care all. Best to SW (who might not be so shattered now many, many years later) and to Ian and all! Be well, be good to yourself and stay safe! mm
Hey Mollymagee, I’m still here. It’s now 9 years since D-Day and I hate my husband more than ever. Still married and living under the same roof, but that’s the extent of it. He makes me sick, I wish he would just move on already. We are both miserable. Thank you for thinking of me. SWxo
Autumnal winds are blowing, trees are changing, seasons move and life flows ever onwards.
Sat on the mountainside yesterday, feeling grateful for your blog saving my life (and sanity), so today? Today I thought I’d drop in a message of thanks and to let you know that you are never far from my thoughts.
Again, my appreciation and best wishes.
At work today, the woman I struggle to work with-we are just different people-I found out has been dealing with her husband’s infidelity. I know no details, except she was younger. I was so triggered by this as my D-day was 8 years ago.
I now feel sympathy for her and understand why she has been so difficult to work with lately.
I am so angry that another marriage is affected, another couple is struggling and another man has chosen this path of destruction.
Why? My question is always: is it worth it?
I cannot fathom this choice.
Yet I was close to a choice once and felt all the excitement of the choice.
But my conscience cannot go there.
I am very much in love with my husband, which is why the pain is still so close when I think about it.
I still struggle with WHY?
I still struggle with HOW?
I am so sorry that another wife has to cry and make hard decisions. I wish the implications of their choices were really understood by the betrayed. The potential excitement and fantasy and mystery is nothing but pain for your spouse.
You should have thought about that when you decided to marry someone.
You could have stayed single.
You could be dating and having some other type of fun-as you see it-and not have brought down a committed relationship.
What were you thinking?
Putting up my Christmas Tree, listening to some nice music, and I thought of you & wondered how you are doing, so dropped by to say hi and check in!
Sending my warmest festive cheer your way, and I hope that the season is joyous one for you and your kiddos!
Ok this started about 3 months ago.
My wife and i have been married 31years both in good shape. Wife still looks very attractive to me and have seen many a man look at her.
Both in our mid 50s and our intimate life is rather very good tbh. But she started a new job in a local hospital and seemed to like it very much i would drive her to work and pick her up at the end of day if i could.
Then she started doing overtime, we needed the extra money so fine thats cool.
She would be getting home from work gradually later and later, have a shower eat dinner then few glasses of wine, fair enough its hard work and long hours.
Something seemed a bit not right to me.
Few days ago she went and had her shower as usual but this time left her phone on the couch.
I picked it up and had a quick look on her fb page.
Scrolled through some names on friends list and saw she had been talking to one of her besties about her job and how good it was.
I kept scrolling down and read one line which said she works with lots of hot doctors, ok so thats fine i would think loads of women think that.
She was talking to her bestie so nothing to worry about.
Then i saw it, i felt sick i wanted to be sick on the spot, my heart began to race out of anger i was shaking.
She was talking to her friend and said, there was this doctor she had the hots for and needed to suck his cock, her friend said ohh juicy let me know the details, wife replied will do soon as i get to see his cock.
I stopped reading and dropped the phone back on the couch.
My heart is beating real strong while typing this, i dont understand we always had a very good sex life and got on like soul mates and would have the most fun talks i loved to make her laugh all the time.
Now all i do is cry when im on my own.
My life is now fucked 30yrs of marriage totally fucked.
I went to bed that night a cold man, i dont know if she picked up the phone and saw where it was left open.
But she hasnt said anything.
Beer is now my best friend.
I’m so sorry, Stevo. Most of us here have been in the exact position you have been in – a heart-stopping moment that marks the end of your old life. It is beautiful that you are so committed to your wife. And she is just shitting all over that. The next few months and years are going to be excruciating but at some point you’ll need to confront her, otherwise it will eat you up inside. You will continue to spiral into alcohol, pills or whatever numbs the pain. You will grow bitter and resentful. You will come to hate her and what she did to you. You will find words of wisdom from many betrayed spouses here, and I hope they bring you comfort that you are not alone and that others have been in your shoes. It’s a shitty existence knowing what you now know. Please feel free to drop by here any time, you are amongst good people. SWxo
Steve. Been in your shoes. 100% right where you are now. Right now.
Honest advice. Tell her you read them. Get it out into the open. Hear her side. Want to know why? Because it makes your future plans so much easier knowing full well that your marriage is dead and you are sat opposite a stone cold liar.
When you really, really get to grips with that, and if you can? Divorce. Divorce because my man? Those words are eternal acid, thatll eat your soul every day and night as she goes to and fro. Acid.
The ONLY cure for that acid is someone else, somewhere else, in a whole new circle of trust. Start on yourself. Build yourself back up. But be warned, it takes time, a lot of time, and resolve.