Rant Wall

This is the Rant Wall. This is your place to come and vent about anything and everything.
Just discovered your spouse is cheating?
Want to have a scream at the whore?
Feel the need to share your story, seek advice, or simply offload?
This is your space.
Do with it what you will.

19 thoughts on “Rant Wall”

  1. Lostme14 said:

    Urgh where to start! Short and sweet I’m 2years 7month out and am having a bad week of it this week. I hate my husband with a passion the anger I have inside is eating away at me. Certain things trigger it I’m on the whole mostly good and try not to let it get the better of me but this week grrrrrrr!!

    • Hello Lostme14, well done on being the first brave soul on the Rant Wall. I’m about a year ahead of you in recovery, but even a year ago, I had anger simmering inside. I honestly don’t think it ever leaves. The only way to get past it and not grow bitter is to either forgive or move on. Thank you, drop by any time to rant. SWxo

    • Forever Broken said:

      Dear Lostme14 and shatteredwife- I am 17 months past D-Day. I have not been able to move past the pain of the betrayal. I’m struggling with triggers, so your post reminds me that I’m not alone. This weekend my husband had to leave town for an over-night work meeting in the same town he had a long-lasting emotional affair. Also while he was having this affair, he avoided sharing his life and became very secretive and distant. Of course, this recent work meeting is a huge trigger for me. He promised to call and stay connected as much as possible and reassured me that he would “keep me close” while he was away. Even promising to FaceTime me during the event so I could see where he was and to help me feel comfortable. I never heard a word during the 3 hour event. He did make some effort to text me before and after the event, but very little communication and certainly not to the level that he had promised. He never asked how I was doing and seemed only into his own “fun” at the event. I felt abandoned and felt he didn’t keep his promises to help me cope with something he knew would be a struggle for me. I had major anxiety all night and called him the following morning when I had not heard from him. I’m so angry and feel he still can’t be trusted. I don’t believe he did anything wrong while he was away, but I thought he cared enough to be sure I was doing OK and to keep his promise to include me in this entire process. I’m so hurt and disappointed- ONCE AGAIN!

  2. This isn’t a rant, more of a few little pieces of advice for anyone who has just caught their spouse cheating. From a spouse who has caught their wife mid affair.

    1) You are going to be angry, hurt, humiliated, sad, lost, spinning wildly between hate, hurt, fear and sorrow. This is ALL every moment, absolutely natural.

    I went through it all after finding condoms in my wifes nursing uniform after her night shift. Life explodes. Literally, right there, and you won’t ever, ever forget that moment. Ever. Not even time can heal that one. It dulls it, but doesn’t heal it. 3 years on, nah, not even one step to dulling g that disgusting tearing pain.

    TAKE EACH DAY, EACH HOUR AS IT COMES, AND DON’T EVER, EVER BOTTLE IT UP OR IT WILL KILL YOU DEAD INSIDE. Let that emotional explosion out. Healthily, if you have kids, send them out for the day, then let that cheating bastard / whore have it loud and true. Don’t get physical, but do let every single word flow like a rain of daggers into their soul.

    2) Realise that what ever you had, is dead. Dead. Forever dead. It can never come back, it can never be made ‘As it was’, it cannot even be repaired. That entire slice of your life, is, dead. Part of the pain comes from mourning for what you had. But here is the kicker: What you thought you had was a lie. A great, big, cheating lying filthy two faced lie. Don’t feel bad for falling for that lie, because, and this is important to remember, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. NOTHING.

    3) DON’T RUSH TO FORGIVE THEM BECAUSE YOU FEAR BEING ALONE

    You may want to have lots and lots of sex with them. Google ‘Hysterical bonding’….This isn’t love, this isn’t a realisation they / you are meant to be, it is a simple survival mechanism hardwired into us to go all out in order to keep our mate in our bed. Realise this, and realise you are worth more. Much much more.

    4) GO DO SOMETHING CRAZY THAT SCARES YOU

    Yeah, you want that back pack holiday? You want that sky dive? You want that offered job overseas? Take it. Take it and grow, grow your own life, let it spring forth out of the ashes that you stand in on discovery day. Build some thing, create some thing, go some where….

    THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN. Do what you want to do, how you want to do it. Then? When you done that? Do another scary thing. And another….

    Then realise how much you have to offer the world as just you. That unique, beautiful you.

    Me? I was abused for 16 years. Yes, domestic abuse. Severe terrible soul crushing domestic abuse that took my job, my family and my life away from me. Then the abuser sought out an affair, and when I held that condom out, crying with rage, she looked at me and said “It’s just sex, I don’t see what you are so bothered about”….

    My revenge? I sat down, and did some thing I always wanted to do, for me, chased my dream. I wrote a novel. Three actually, a trilogy. The best thing of all? I did it, and there wasn’t that constant, chattering flow of degrading snide comments as I did so.

    5) Reach out. Realise you are not alone, and come find us. We are here, we are everywhere, and the best thing of all? In your darkest hour, you will find a million bright torches of soul, all ready to offer every single word of advice they have in order for you to rise up again.

    6) Love yourself. You deserve it. Double deserve it. With cherries on top.

    • Thank you, Ian. SWxo

    • Ian
      I’m so pleased you have moved to a better place. I’m not sure if it is easier for men to move on or not. But there is fear of loss. Fear of being alone. Fear of the age you are and not meeting someone again or even wanting to. Plus children. Fear of their loss and the changes they will have to face. One is at a critical time with exams.
      The AF never thinks of all of this. My H tells me he has made a big mistake. Took me for granted. Does not want to lose me. Has cried and begged me to stay. But the past 6 years he was seeing different women. Ended up sleeping with one (1 I found out about anyway. The ones I managed to get hold of said no but he had wanted to but they found out he was married and moved on, I can’t get hold of all).
      As you can imagine. Those lies, needs for others are soul destroying. Especially when you had a full happy marriage.
      I have some ok days. But not a day goes by I don’t cry. Why am I good enough now?? Plus financially I can’t just up and leave yet even if I wanted to. I have been sucked away and have been left with an empty shell and unwanted emotions.
      Good luck with your future. I’m glad you have made the decision to stand up for what you want.

      • No, moving on for me was painful beyond words until the day I woke up and realised that I was worth way, way more. I had nothing. I mean absolutely nothing, I lived in a homeless shelter… that’s how low my life got.
        Restarting is hard, but it sets you free in so many ways.

  3. Rejectedwife said:

    Today I hate my husband. We are 3 months past dday. He owns his own business, has two male employees, and a secretary. He has a service business, so there was never a need to work from his shop everyday. It is just a storage place for parts, but I never questioned the need to have a secretary to enter in his stuff. His shop is 20 minutes from home. I stay home and homeschool our three kids. The homewrecker started in May 2015. He never introduced us, because again, he said the guys were never at the shop and he told me she was in her fifties (older than us). Her husband called Oct 2015, accused my husband of sleeping with her, my husband said the man is crazy (he is, is in jail for a few years now), I found out she is a year older than me, I told him to get rid of her because I will have doubts about them, he and another worker called me the next day saying they felt sorry for her because she has four kids. So he kept her. Fast forward to January 23 of this year, I had a dream they were having an affair. He locked me out of all emails but I got into phone records. 2,220 text messages between them from Dec 24, 1,430 minutes they talked, and 18 days he was at the office. On those days he would send me texts saying he was somewhere else. He left that night, came back 4 weeks later. He is telling me that they only kissed and he just text someone he shouldn’t. I confronted her, and she looks like a meth head, my husband was there and he kept telling me he only wants me. I told him again she has to go. She said she would file a lawsuit just like she did at her other two jobs where she was accused of the same thing. That was three weeks ago. I told my husband 12 days ago in another fight that she has to go. He said to give him a week to tell her and another two for her to train someone. Three days ago in another “argument” I asked if he was actually going to stick to his word, he said he thought about it. Then he expects me to just forget about it each day!!! He still refuses to answer questions telling me to stop living in the past. The fact that he tells me he wants me should be enough. Tomorrow is my birthday and I thought to look at the phone records from a year ago. On my birthday he had spent half a day with her and called her all through the day. While he was on his way home with a cake he bought me, he talked to her for 40 minutes. Then immediately takes me to go look at land to buy. WTF?!?! Then today I find out that he stopped by the shop. Granted, he had another guy with him, but it’s the fact that she is still there. This trash still sits there only entering in receipts (literally all she does) getting paid by my husband, having him still buy her lunch, buy her beer, overpay her. Seeing what I am typing makes me wonder what is wrong with me?!? This man has devasted me, rejected me, and continues on a daily basis because he won’t let her go. I have been driven to counseling, sleepless nights, and having a hate inside that I never had before. Sorry this is a rambling post, but I really had to rant. He wants to take me to dinner tomorrow but I know all I’ll be thinking about is what he did on that day last year. FML

    • If a person cannot respect that they hurt you to the core of your soul, and doesnot cut the affair party out of their life? Yeah, time to move right along on.

      I feel so sorry for you, it’s an absolute nightmare of a place to be. No one can ever, ever, in all their life, have the words to describe how utterly soul destroying it is.

    • Hey, it’s a rant wall, ramble on for as long as you like! I had so many bad days at around the 3 month mark, so I understand your pain.
      It hurts that we fell for their lies and deceptions. It makes us feel completely stupid.
      I can relate to the insomnia and the absolute boiling anger. It turns you into someone you don’t recognise. I’m 3.5 years out now, but some feelings don’t subside.
      It’s a rocky road, but believe me when I tell you that you’ll eventually get to a point where it doesn’t dominate every waking minute… And every sleeping minute….
      I also have three kids and my youngest was just a few weeks old when my selfish prick of a husband decided to begin an affair.
      But I turned my life around and you can too.
      Unfortunately, time is the only remedy.
      SWxo

  4. I would love to reach out for advice and support as nearly 6 months in and in a bad place. Nothing feels the same anymore. I’m totally dead inside. I just go through day to day motions to keep kids safe from it all.

  5. SW
    I have read your blog from start to finish with tears in my eyes. I would love to email my story for your take on it and any advice through this journey. Where are you now in your journey. Any affair site I have read (Lots) even 3-4 years in staying with AP the relationship never returns to where it was. The devestaion infidelity cause is tremendous. Email to follow.

    • Hi KS, I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to reply to your first message before you sent me a second!
      What I would have said was please read this entire blog from the beginning, including the comments. There are hundreds and hundreds of comments and many are hugely supportive.
      I will check my email.
      SWxo

  6. Forever Broken said:

    Love this rant page! I am 15 months from D-Day! I am still completely pissed and angry! My husband swears he was never in a full-sexual affair and I don’t have that evidence, but I know plenty and know he was presenting himself as single and available guy and picking up women- if he found them attractive. Forgetting he had a wife of 30 years and 3 children still living at home. He was out drinking with buddies (he rarely drank around me) and being deceitful about where he was and what he was doing. So, how do you decide to trust someone like that again- NEVER! The only reason he has decided to “find himself” and stop this behavior is because he got caught – not because of some moral standard he holds dear. So again, am I controlling his stupid behavior or does he really want to be a better man? Who knows? At 50 years old, I don’t really want to start over, but have no faith in a man I thought I knew so well. When we were younger, he had episodes that should have been warning signs to me, but I was naïve and wanted to believe he loved me and wanted me. Thought it was just immaturity on his part. He also has a childhood sexual assault in his past and I believe that affects his self-esteem and his destructive behavior. He is a successful architect and can hold it all together most of the time. However, I realize now that he is just good at deception and I wonder how much he has hidden from me. I want to believe he can be a good and loving person, but am losing hope and faith in this man. While he may have some excuses for his behavior, there is no excuse to hurt the people you claim to love. I have been reading a good book about boundaries, (Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend) and am ready to walk if he can’t be the man I need. Anyone have experience on childhood sexual assaults and if I should be more compassionate or save myself and walk away from his empty promises?

    • Only you can answer whether you should walk or stay. But he sounds like a serial cheater to me. That’s the kind that doesn’t want to change, which means he won’t change for you either. My opinion only. Sorry, it sucks, I know. I have 3 children too. SWxo

  7. I’m going to have a rant. As a man, when I say “I’m divorced, and…” I every single time get a knowing nod and smile and that comment that boils my blood “Ohhh get caught did ya?”

    So yesterday in a crowded family gathering when that comment was made to my face, I took a fork, dinged my wine glass and stood up on a chair. I then proceeded to tell my entire family I was the vintimate of a sustain 14 years of mental, emotional and monetary domestic abuse.

    I then thanked them for a lovely dinner and accepted their best wishes for my up and coming trilogy. After I got off the chair, I walked out.

    When I say I believe in monogamy, I mean it. I am a 1000% all in type of.person and I invest every photon of my being into you. Im not needy, clingy, suspicious. … I’m gentle, open, loving, protective and kind.

    I just happened to be divorced because I was the victim of domestic abuse. Who then had the final humiliation of finding condoms in my washing machine whilst doing my now ex wifes uniforms for work.

    Rant over.

    To every person who has been cheated on, a raised glass. May your future be bright and beautiful.

    • Thanks, Ian. What a powerful and cathartic offloading that must have been. I bet you left a quite a few people stunned. Has anyone contacted you since then to say something to the effect of ‘wow, I had no idea…’? SWxo

      • Yes. My ex wife is a devious manipulative actress. She is in the nursing profession and hides her snake like coldness behind this carefully manufactured facade.

        My friends have never figured out why I left nursing studies in my second year, as I was a high flying A and B+ type with glowing reports. So I told them all the truth. Every last moment of hurt, pain and humiliation, including the months living in a homeless hostel as I pieced together a life that wasn’t involving being a daily emotional, mental and monetary punch bag for her.

        The silence was absolute. The sad thing is, one of the guests at the event was a former nursing mentor of mine who used to work alongside side my at the time wife. Her ema hurt me so, so badly. Here is why, and I quote “Every day and night she would sit and bitch and moan about you, how she hated life with you, how horrible you were, and yet, there you were, cooking food for our night shifts, bringing it in for us all to enjoy joy, and then we met you as a nursing student. We all felt terrible, but none of us dared say anything. After what you told us all today, I wish, I wish so badly that we had. I feel so guilty, and I am so, so sorry I said nothing.”…. Yeah, that hurt. Every one knew how bad she hated me bar me.

        Every one. They all knew. She would sit and tell every one who would listen, a d then? Would sit and boast about her affair and how clever she was, and how dumb I was and how I was too thick to ever catch her…

        Hence, my epic near melt down at the gathering. I’ve just had enough of people thinking I did anything wrong. All I did was love, honour, cherish, and try to better myself so we could have a great future together.

  8. Hi shattered,
    Dropping by to say hi, hope you are holding on and rising g like a phoenix out there!

    Thought of you today whilst sat by the river, watching the waters flown past, mulling over life, fate, choices, the greatest of times and the worst of hurts. So here I am dropping by to say hi.

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