An Anniversary Best Left Alone

Tags

affair, anniversary, cheating, fuck it all, husband, infidelity, liar, marriage, relationship, whore

Today is our wedding anniversary, the first since D-Day 8 months ago.

We have been married more years than I care to remember. And right now, I don’t care.

I don’t want to celebrate this day. I don’t feel like dancing, no sir, no dancing today.

Our wedding anniversary is a horrible fucking reminder of how little this marriage meant to the man who chose to betray me.

What is there to celebrate?

How much we love each other? How we mean the world to each other? How we don’t know where we’d be without each other?

None of the above. Why? Because all those reasons are fucking moronic. And lies.

I no longer look longingly at husband. I no longer think about how lucky I am and how I got the last ‘good one’. I no longer make long term plans with my husband. I no longer make small talk or joke around with him. He is no longer my best friend. I don’t enjoy his company in any form. We’ve stopped having sex.

All the signs are pointing to a doomed future, yet he refuses to give up on our marriage and constantly tells me this. I have to remind him that it’s not up to him.

I no longer wear my wedding rings. They were a symbol of a marriage that meant nothing to one of us. I look down at my unadorned fingers like they’re a curiosity. It’s strange that for 17 years, one of those fingers sported a gorgeous diamond engagement ring and a gold wedding band, symbols of a love that is no more. It hurts.

Last week I was cleaning the spare room and found a large plastic tub containing the large white sugar flowers from our wedding cake. I don’t know why I still had these – I probably couldn’t bear to throw them away.

I took the lid off the tub and admired how beautifully they’d been preserved. They were in pristine condition.

Then I tipped the container upside down and emptied the contents into the bin.

No sadness. No tears. No emotional attachment. Only emptiness.

And that pretty much sums up my feelings on this wedding anniversary.

Fuck today. And fuck my stupid, thoughtless husband for killing it.

I never want to celebrate another wedding anniversary ever again.

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Name a Time When People Cheat

Tags

affair, betrayal, cheater, cheating, D-Day, husband, infidelity, liar, marriage, whore

We were watching a game show tonight and one of the questions was “name a time when people cheat”.

Now that question can mean a lot of things to different people.

How would you have answered?

The person who was actually asked it answered “when dating”.

However, the answer that scored the greatest points was “exams”.

See what I mean by the question meaning different things to different people?

I can guarantee you the person who answered that question on the game show either had an unfaithful partner, knew someone who’d had an unfaithful partner, or had been unfaithful herself.

When I heard the question, I mentally answered “when a husband gets sick of his wife”.

I didn’t say anything though. We had a guest at the time.

But I did notice my husband go quiet. As did I. Wonder if our guest noticed anything.

Hmm, so I thought more about “name a time when people cheat” and came up with the following:

• when a husband becomes a completely delusional dick
• when a husband thinks he can get away with it
• when a husband is going through a mid-life crisis
• when a husband feels he isn’t getting enough attention at home
• when a husband thinks he’s entitled to it
• when one person/neither person gives a shit about their current relationship

Needless to say, I’m sure you have your own answers. Let’s hear them!

 

Does a Marriage Ever Really Recover From an Affair?

Tags

affair, betrayal, betrayed spouse, cheater, cheating, couple, D-Day, husband, infidelity, marriage, whore

I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately:

Does a marriage ever really recover from an affair?

Can two people ever really be happy again once their partner gives their heart away to another?

Can a betrayed spouse ever learn to honestly forgive and trust their lying, cheating partner?

So I asked this question of the highest power I know: Google.

The overwhelming consensus?

No, a marriage never truly recovers.

My husband has always maintained that he will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get through this fucked up mess that HE CREATED.

He has answered question after question, he is more attentive at home, he is attending therapy both individually and with me, and I thought we were slowly going to come out the other side.

But then something comes up that makes me ask why I fucking bother.

Why do I want to stay with this man? Will we ever truly be happy again? Or have I doomed myself to a joyless marriage for the rest of my miserable life?

I KNOW the questions never end – betrayed spouses, you know what I’m talking about.

There will ALWAYS be more questions. Cheaters will argue the questions have to stop at some point.

I, as the person you cheated on, believe you should answer any fucking question I like about the affair, whenever I fucking ask it.

That IS what you meant by WHATEVER IT TAKES, right?

So last night I ask my partner a question and he starts with the usual bullshit.

“I don’t see how this will help us.”

“I’m afraid of what this will trigger in you.”

“I don’t understand why you want to know that.”

I fear my head will explode.

“You don’t need to understand. I’m trying to work through things in my own head. Just answer my question.”

He doesn’t. Claims he doesn’t remember. Claims he’d only be paraphrasing (the stuff he doesn’t remember). Says it will hurt me.

SO FUCKING WHAT?! BRING IT! TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. I’M FUCKING ASKING BECAUSE I WANT KNOW.

So what did I ask him that made him all nervous and defensive?

I asked specifically what SHE said to HIM. Not what they discussed (which he fails to adequately answer, even in therapy), but what that fucking WHORE said to HIM.

Did she tell him he was hot? That she wanted to feel his cock inside her? In her mouth? That she wanted to him to fuck her ass? That she wanted him to cum in her mouth?

You might be reading this and thinking “no good can come from knowing ANY of that.” Especially that prick from that “I cheated on my wife for two years” blog. I don’t want to hear about how you and your partner agreed to stop asking each other questions about the affair because one partner became too chicken-shit to answer anything else.

I completely fucking disagree with this approach.

See, my husband’s willingness to answer that question tells me many things.

Firstly, by answering the question, he is saying “I’m being upfront. I’m telling you what you want to know, if you believe it will help. I’m doing WHATEVER IT TAKES, as I promised.”

By not answering, he is saying “I want to keep this from you. You don’t deserve to know the full truth, the full extent of the affair. I want my secrets. Let’s move on and never speak of it again.”

The actual answer may or may not have any bearing on how this ‘relationship’ pans out.

But his unwillingness to answer tells me so much.

I feel we are doomed, regardless.

Fucking affairs, they mess with your fucking head on so many levels.

We are 8 months out from D-Day and I feel this fucked-up horror rollercoaster ride will never end.