Today is our wedding anniversary, the first since D-Day 8 months ago.
We have been married more years than I care to remember. And right now, I don’t care.
I don’t want to celebrate this day. I don’t feel like dancing, no sir, no dancing today.
Our wedding anniversary is a horrible fucking reminder of how little this marriage meant to the man who chose to betray me.
What is there to celebrate?
How much we love each other? How we mean the world to each other? How we don’t know where we’d be without each other?
None of the above. Why? Because all those reasons are fucking moronic. And lies.
I no longer look longingly at husband. I no longer think about how lucky I am and how I got the last ‘good one’. I no longer make long term plans with my husband. I no longer make small talk or joke around with him. He is no longer my best friend. I don’t enjoy his company in any form. We’ve stopped having sex.
All the signs are pointing to a doomed future, yet he refuses to give up on our marriage and constantly tells me this. I have to remind him that it’s not up to him.
I no longer wear my wedding rings. They were a symbol of a marriage that meant nothing to one of us. I look down at my unadorned fingers like they’re a curiosity. It’s strange that for 17 years, one of those fingers sported a gorgeous diamond engagement ring and a gold wedding band, symbols of a love that is no more. It hurts.
Last week I was cleaning the spare room and found a large plastic tub containing the large white sugar flowers from our wedding cake. I don’t know why I still had these – I probably couldn’t bear to throw them away.
I took the lid off the tub and admired how beautifully they’d been preserved. They were in pristine condition.
Then I tipped the container upside down and emptied the contents into the bin.
No sadness. No tears. No emotional attachment. Only emptiness.
And that pretty much sums up my feelings on this wedding anniversary.
Fuck today. And fuck my stupid, thoughtless husband for killing it.
I never want to celebrate another wedding anniversary ever again.