I am a married mother (of three little ones) living in Australia. On 9 November 2013, I discovered my husband of 22 years had been having an affair with a married mother of two. What an asshole. The discovery shattered me.
My lying, cheating husband and I are still together in the hope that we can work through this. I have good days (when I am hopeful we can make it) and bad days (where I decide it’s all over). I fluctuate violently between the two.
One thing I have learned: like having children, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, can understand what it’s like to have your spouse cheat on you until you’ve been in that position yourself.
It devastates your sense of trust and makes you doubt anything and everything. It’s paralysing. I hate it.
One day at a time.
Shattered Wife
SWxo
PS I treasure your comments, but PLEASE do not use your real name when leaving a comment. If you wish to contact me privately, you may do so at shatteredwife@mail.com. Leave a comment anywhere on my blog (obviously I won’t publish it!) to let me know you’ve sent an email, as it’s not an address I check often.
Thank you for reading.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
You are right only someone who has been cheated on knows how another betrayed wife feels. I feel your pain, it’s been 17 months for me & I still struggle everyday. We had been married 47 years when my husband cheated on me! Hang in there, joan
Omg I have been married 32 yrs and just realized something was devastatingly wrong in mid May. I really believe the longer you are married, the older we are, the harder it is. I was 21 when we married. How do I throw away and erase more than half my life? How do I destroy my children’s world? I cannot get through a single day without thinking about it. When will the pain ease up?
I would like to know when it stops hurting. It is all I think about, any chance of reconciliation will be spoilt by me, I am driving him away, maybe on purpose so I don’t have to make the hard decision – staying or leaving. Neither one appeals to me. ATM my behavior is out if control, so angry , so sad , so jealous. Crying, screaming and then clinging. I actually feel sorry for him as he is trying really hard . I hate who I have become so much pain, acting happy is exhausting. One day ok next day I stay in bed. I am always looking on these sites for a magical solution. I am like the FBI, checking everything. Scared I will find something. I have told him to leave if he wants as I know he is becoming exasperated! I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t like leaving the house . I feel different now, I look at couples and feel envious that we are no longer solid like them. I feel as though we are not going to get through this and more pain is inevitable , so scared what the future will bring either way , smoking and drinking lots of wine seems like a great idea at the time, but I need to slow down. I feel sick not eating and not sleeping . The weight loss is a bonus, but could think of less painful ways to lose it! Any coping tips would be greatly appreciated. Don’t like myself ATM! Thanks,
I didn’t like leaving the house, either. I cut myself off from my friends, stopped interacting on Facebook, didn’t respond to messages. Even now, 10 months after D-Day, I still can’t bear to read of the great lives everyone else is having. I now look at couples and wonder if HE has cheated on her. I in no way envy married couples. I just look at them knowingly…I want to shout to them that it isn’t going to last. Being cheated on really does change you as a person. Stick around, there are lots of loving and supportive betrayed wives that drop by here. SW xo
Oh how I wish I had this blog for support when I first found out. I cried every single day all day for more than a month. Not easy to hide that from teen age kids. I did seek out counseling but it did not help with my immediate trauma. She spent three sessions getting background info on our past. I kept thinking wtf? I need help with the present! So ended up on Atavan from my dr. to help me get through the early weeks. It is such a mind fuck! You think you are losing your mind and the husband telling you you are crazy for thinking he had an affair. These Days are a little better. I only cry a couple times a week now. There is so much emotion I want to pour out on this blog… It has to come out in bits as I find it extremely difficult to tell my story of such a mind blowing betrayal (as all our betrayals are). I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I lost 30 lbs and walk around with puffy eyes with dark circles under them. Very flattering I’m sure.
Willowfrost, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. Mind fuck is definitely the best description of dealing with this shit. Dramatic weight loss is about the only good thing to come out of this, but every time your see your reflection, it reminds you that you look that way thanks to a selfish husband’s actions. It sucks all round. xo
Hello from Texas, USA. Trust me when I say that I KNOW your pain. I’m living your pain as I type this. I found out on November, 15, 2013, 6 days after you, that my wife stepped out. I’m reading your words and saying to myself, “Yes. Yes. I know exactly what she’s saying and feeling.”
We’re worlds apart, but we’re in the same boat. Keep your head up. Feel free to send me an email if you’d like to chat.
Brad
Hey Brad, how are you coping? Tell me more about your situation. How long have you two been married, did she know the man she had an affair with, and is it now over? Are you hopeful about staying together? It’s a shit of a situation to be in. I wish you strength as you work through the pain and betrayal. xo
Hi there. I apologize for the delay in responding. I thought I’d be notified of your reply. I was thinking about you this morning and thought I’d check up on you.
You and I are in the same boat based on what I read from your last post. I’m to the point where I have more good days than bad, but the bad days are BAD. Really bad. The past 3 days have been bad.
This summer will mark 13 years that we’ve been married. As with most of these situations, she worked with him. She said it was pure temptation that wouldn’t stop and she finally gave in. Yes, it’s over and supposedly has been for a few years.
Send me an email, bradttu@gmail.com. I would like to chat with you about this more in private since we’re practically at the same place in life. Remember, we’re only a week apart in our struggle. 🙂 November 15 was my D-Day.
It’s one day at a time. Then as I blogged today some days feel like you “take two steps forward and three steps back”. Best of luck!
I am sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine being with somebody for that long, and that happening. I really can’t. And I’m not going to pretend to. I’m only a 22-year-old guy that’s struggled for 3 years now with the unfaithfulness of my ex, my first love. She invalidated what she did, left me cold, told me to have a “long and happy life” and then proceeded to have a baby with a guy who (I see as) is unremarkable, subpar and thus substandard compared to me. But I digress.
I was only with her for a couple of years and I still haven’t gotten over her. I can’t imagine how things would have been if I’d been with her for 20+ years.
I wish you the best. I can’t imagine your pain. But again, you have my best wishes.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I wish you strength in getting through your pain. You have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you one day find love again. xo
Hi shattered. Mine was 16 May 2009. We have three kids. At that stage we had lived together 21 years. And I was still madly in love, thought he was too. The OW was one of my childhood friends. She and I spent holidays together and were social with each other. For fifteen months my life was a lie. I even asked about it a few times but was told by him that he thought she was awful. I believed that as she was also his multiple cheating ex. Then I womdered if I had walked in and got in the way of twu wuv! No. He had a breakdown and fucked up. Badly. He can’t believe who THAT guy was, and has done everything right in the aftermath. He had woken up, ended it and she told me – very bravely by text, nasty bitch – and then we spent the next three years dealing with her bunny boiling. I still struggle. We were such a fabulous couple. And he chose this for us. It’s fucking hard and fucking sad…….
Thank you for sharing, horseracing. What a shit of a situation. Lost your husband and best friend in one go 😦 How are things with your spouse today? Are you both OK? Did you undertake counselling? xo
She was never my best friend. One of those quite vacuous, shallow bitches who are on the periphery of a nice group of girlfriends. I felt sorry for her. I tried to help her. She is 47, a corporate accountant (or accuntant!) who has a small son conceived by fucking a client and stealing semen from a used condom. She has never had a relationship last longer than six months and her very bright son is out of control because – don’t laugh! – she can’t say no, lol.
We struggle. We have had shit loads of counselling. Life is changed and it is not for the better. Still one foot in front of the other. Love your blog! Gonna comment on your sex post when I get a moment. Xx
Hey horsesrcumin, what a perfect description of her occupation, (AcCUNTant). Love it! All of us on these blogs are so creative when describing the whores our husbands fucked! But they deserve so much more! XO Joan
😉 Yeah joan, probably not very original – and I NEVER use that word…..but heck, if the shoe fits, cram that foot in!
so glad I found your BLOG… I am 8 months past D-DAY and your feelings confirm that I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE!!! That all the reoccuring feelings and triggers I have are shared by all us betrayed spouses out there. My WS moved in with the whore and decided that was a big mistake and came back home. RUINED our 10 year anniversary by being with HER and came came on Christmas like “nothing ever happened”. I am supposed to “get over it” because he has. Now my 40th birthday is coming up and I am not sure how I will be able to emotionally handle all this. It is already a BAD week!! HUGS to you and your bravery for putting yourself and your feeling out there for us to share.
Hello BSinCAUSA,
Thank you for your comment and welcome. I’m so sorry you find yourself a member of this fucked-up club of betrayed spouses. Can you tell us more about your situation? Wow, he moved in with the skank, then came back home? Man, what a mind fuck. You must have a gazillion triggers. How long was he with her? Did you know her? Did he give you the I-don’t-love-you-anymore speech? Does he now want to be with you? Do you have children? How did you discover the affair? Apologies for all the questions! Around here, most of the betrayed spouses caught their cheating spouses, the spouse dumps the whore, then decides to stay and work on the marriage. It’s not that common to have the husband leave then come back! I’m sure many of the readers here would be interested in your story, if you are willing to share : ) Hope to see you around. Feel comfortable here. xo
Thanks for blogging all this. I’m grateful I bumped into this site. I’m four months into my revelation and my wife’s “confession” and feeling a bit lost.
Glad you have found me as much as I wish none of us were here… Please tell us a little bit about yourself and your situation. We’re all here for moral support. xo
I am both glad to have found your blog but also sad that I am seeking such things out.
31 y/o living in Alaska USA. Have been dealing with 35 y/o husband of almost 8 years having an affair with an unemployed, uneducated, still living at home whore 12 years his junior. He started affair during our yearly trip home to visit our families (to east coast and spgulf coast) that he NEVER goes on. Just my son (4) and myself.
He started his affair on Mother’s Day (!) when I was staying with my inlaws.
I knew something was up when he didn’t show up to pick us up from our flight at 230 am. I followed the phone and the money…collected evidence…and confronted him a week or so later.
Both in individual counseling now. He wants to reconcile I am still unsure. So many triggers. So much of his initial reaction to blame me, say he didn’t love me anymore, I made him do it, etc etc. total and complete mind fuck and insanity.
I too hate being part of this club, but so thankful to know that I am not insane…and just going through a grieving process, unsure of where we will end up.
I just found your blog today. I found out 9.5 months ago that my husband was sexting one of my lifelong friends. She started it and was after him, and after him telling her to leave him alone 3-4 times he finally gave in to her stupid ass game. I caught him after only 3 days, but it felt like an eternity. We’ve been married 14 years and have 3 kids, he is the only man I have ever been with but I’m not sure I will ever get over this. I am just as mad today as I was D – day!!!
Hi and welcome. Lifelong friends that become eternal enemies, what is THAT all about? Why do these stupid bitches feel it is OK to take what is already taken? I am 8 months out and some days feel we have made no progress. Has counselling worked for you? xo
We are 9.5 months out and I don’t feel like any progress has been made. I sometimes doubt we will make it. 😦 just not sure I can get over it. I did 6 weeks of counseling and all it seemed to do was stir up for tears. So I stopped to see if that would help. But nothing seems to help right now.
Six weeks of counselling is early days. Give it at least 3 months if you can. Is your husband remorseful or is he angry you found out? Is it definitely over between them? We struggle with so much of this shit. Bloody cheaters. Stay strong. xo
I felt like 6 weeks was an eternity!! Yes, it is definitely over between them. They never met in person and he did say early on in the text that he did not want her to text him. It just eventually evolved into him liking it, which is what pisses me off. He did tell her he loved me, and she replied “I know you do, you have a great wife” wtf?! Well then leave him the hell alone!!! As I read the text I could see his struggle with it, he liked it, but he did try to stop it and he felt guilty as hell. She even told a pastor at our church that it was all her and that she knew he didn’t want it or her and that’s what made it more fun. I guess the biggest thing for me to get over is the fact that he didn’t come to me after the first racey text and tell me. He says he wanted it to stop, but he didn’t tell me for 3 days. That’s one sure way to make her stop, tell your wife!!!!
Oh and he is very remorseful. He feels like shit and does anything and everything to make it better. He has cried about it and begs me to forgive him. He has no passwords on anything and is very open. He says he will spend the rest of his life proving to me that he is loyal and that he wants only me. And I do believe him. I don’t think he will ever make that mistake again. I just can’t get past that he actually let it happen the first time.
Our husbands sound very similar. As do our responses to them. I feel dead inside. xo
Why am I not allowed to grieve & ask questions? He gets upset & clams up. Or gives yes, no, what good does this question do….. I’m hurt damn it! He told me in October it was a one night stand & it was over. Six months later I find it was a year long affair & he was still in it & planning to leave & move to Thailand with a whore. Oh sorry, my therapist said calling her a whore invalidates my husbands emotions & to save him grief I should call her a prostitute instead. FUCK them ALL!
I’m so hurt & he just,walked out of the room. My parting shot
You can walk away but the questions don’t walk away! God help me!
Dear God woman, get yourself another therapist! Invalidates his emotions?? FUCK THAT! Bet you sometimes wish he’d just left. I’m so sorry you are suffering. xo
My husband had a whore (oops sorry an asian prostitute) for a year. 20 years younger. She loved him!!!
Of she did. He was her ticket to a life out of whoredom! SW xo
Amanda, I was on the same emotional roller coaster. Add to your list begging and pleading. My husband thought I was crazy and I was. Crazy with grief and a sense of loss. Loss of everything I thought to be true. Loss of trust, loss of the husband I thought I knew. I told him it would be easier if he had died than to live with this legacy. I became like the FBI too. Afraid to find out new info but could not stop myself from snooping into everything and anything. I still snoop. I still have flashbacks. I have had periods of self loathing. Where did my dignity go? I lost all self esteem. Why wasn’t I good enough? Sexy enough? Pretty enough? I also have trouble leaving the house, I don’t check FB anymore either. I get anxiety every time my husband leaves the house. I have considered getting a GPS tracker. I have taken inventory of all female friends and relatives. Did she lose all her weight so dramatically because of an affair? What pain might she be hiding too? I am ashamed and feel pathetic because a few of husbands friends and a few in laws know this terrible secret. How do I face them? How can they look me in the eyes and act normal? Many here have the gift of being angry… I feel that is healthy. I am looking forward to anger. It would be better than depression and this deep sense of loss I feel. I wish I were stronger but I am not. Maybe with time I will be…
Have just found this site. Never commented on a blog or forum before. If I’m honest, I never thought I’d be seeking this kind of thing out. Because I’d never be one of those wives whose husbands would cheat! What a joke! I’m on day 2 after D Day. Been together for 14 years with a 2 year old. The whore was his ex girlfriend, the one before he met me. They ‘reconnected’ on Facebook- what a fucking joke?! Been involved for about a year. He says it’s over and I do believe him. Feel destroyed. I’m sorry we’ve all experienced this. I feel ruined by this. Thanks for creating this blog.
We all know what you’re talking about – NONE of us ever expected to be looking for affair blogs. Yet here we are experiencing our own hell. I’m almost 9 months out and I can tell you things do improve. But I still have incredibly difficult days, even weeks. A year-long affair with a former girlfriend must be very hard to take as they once had a connection. I feel your pain. In the coming weeks, expect to hate your husband more than you thought possible, be a complete nervous wreck on the verge of a breakdown, and lose a shitload of weight without even trying. It’s the worst thing you will ever experience – being betrayed by the man you loved but will never love the same way again. You are welcome here any time to vent, rage, or comment. I’m so sorry you find yourself here but take comfort that you are in good company. xo
I have been married three years almost four. I married my husband quickly. He was in a custody battle with his ex girlfriend. I was in the best shape of my life, confident, lost 120 lbs. I was such a joyful person when I met him. He is gorgeous. I thought I was lucky. Six months after we married, my mom died (she was my best friend), and I starting gaining lots of weight. The high conflict custody battle didn’t help either. He hated this girl, she kept his son from him and bled him dry of child support. I’ve been in legal for years, so I helped build his case, hired a betterattorney, spent my pension, took out loans in our names, and handled everything. My husband basically just goes to work and comes home. I cook extremely well, clean, take care of his child and do whatever he has ever asked. This girl tried to destroy our life and after three years of fights, games, paranoia and exhaustion of the battle, we woncustody. Trying to be a better person than her, I offered a truce and wanted to coparent correctly. Never let the devil in ever. She acted like she was my friend, we started to holidays together birthday, all that. Husband didn’t want it to begin with but I told him that we weren’t going to be like her. She never had my husband’s number, and one day I was so frustrated with the back and forth of her thinking I was lying about something my husband said about an exchange, I gave her his number and told her to call him. Y’all have to understand he HATED her, so I thought. After that point, she started acting entitled, and she was demanding. I told him we needed to go back to court order and he said no. I knew in my gut something was up. I got a message through our Gmail chat she accidentally sent. Basically saying, she missed screwing him every two days. She claimed she sent it to the wrong guy, my husband said she’s a fucking crazy bitch, he don’t know why she sent it. I shouldn’t have believed that. He claims he went to her cause I was fat, lazy and gave up, because I was unemployed and depressed. He said he didn’twant to hurt my feelings telling me that, I’m like that wouldve hurt a lot less than this. He told me he went to her the first few times but the rest was blackmail of her threatening to tell me, meanwhile we were friendly and attending stuff together and going shopping for my stepson and she’s screwing my husband behind my back smiling in my face. I don’t know if I didn’t find the texts that I had to pull up from his storage cause they were deleted, that it wouldve stopped. He claims he told her he was never leaving me and all he cares about was me. He claims she told him she loved him and he told her he loved me. He claims she was just a whore. She claims they had heartfelt talks and he told her he loved her. She purposely did what she did so I know that’s not true, besides the texts show differently. I told him that he is the Scunthorpe of the earth and he doesn’t deserve me. He agreed. We went back and forth on divorce topic. He was usually the one to say it though. Finally I said ok, I’m leaving. That’s when he agreed to counseling and whatever to make me stay. We’ve had a few sessions, it’s so tough. Some days I can’t do this, some days I’m happy. I don’t want to live sometimes (I would never end my life, it’s just how I feel) and sometimes I want to scream. BUT I cry ALL THE TIME. I thought I would be the one woman that could be enough. He swears it will never happen again but he swore he never would cheat on me. He said I was the best thing that happened to him so why throw it away. Yes not as good looking to me anymore. The thing about really handsome men are women are always trying to get at them. I didn’t stand a chance at 430 lbs. I’ve lost 58, got 172 left to go. Nothing has ever made me lose weight. This was the one thing that did. My heart is broken, I’m broken. Does it ever get better?
Oh their afair was four months and found out June 25, 2014, two days before my birthday, and he didnt admit it til June 30, 2014. Claims he doesnt remember when it started, but after doing alot of snooping, im thinking February. I found the chat message in March so when i almost busted him, he continued until i knew for sure. I dont know if i can live with the fact he may still be cheating if i didnt catch him.
This forum is so spot on to my feelings it’s weird – well done shattered wife for providing lots of us girls with bastard husbands some comfort in that we are not alone . I have been scouring internet sites and all I seem to read is ” you’re marriage will come out stronger from this ” and I’m thinking WHAT ??? How can the person who has destroyed me , made me feel small , worthless , be the one to make it better – surely if you remove the problem life might get better . 12 yrs marriage ( wedding anniv today), 3 gorgeous boys, husband is a soldier – I have coped with being on my own ( no outside help/ parents , holding down job too) for tours of Iraq and Afghanistan , sticking by his dreadful injuries , trauma from IED ‘s being loyal to hilt , massive PTSD , money problems etched over years – the day after he came back from 6 mths away in Africa ( July 13 th 2014 )I discovered affair he’d been having affair out there with fellow Brit . Emails saying don’t fancy my wife anymore or love her ( sent day he got home) , previous emails asking her if she loves him ( yes)and he saying he wants her in his life and future and loves her -just needs to deal with family strife first . Also discovered enormous Loan for debts I never knew we had etc . However now he’s busted he’s trying really hard but told counsellor he was still in touch with her to ” keep his options open “! For fucks sake . Know he’s a shit man to have in life but utterly terrified of next step – no home etc.
Dear Broken, you deserve better, while he’s keeping his options open, I would open the door for him & unless he got a better attitude, tell him not to let it hit him in his lying ass as he walks through it! He should be begging your forgiveness every fucking day! He sounds like a real dick! Sorry this happened to you, I hope you find some way to make your life better. Hugs from Joan
Just found out about my husbands affair last week. Hes been “staying late” at work to make time for his mistress who is a married co worker with two young children. He claims it has been going on for 4 months and he “cares” about her. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. He says he is not in love with me anymore but he wants to get “us” back. Since I found out through online chatting on FB he said he cut off the relationship because he feels he owes it to his marriage to try and work it out. Here’s the thing that really pisses me off .. in March we were in marriage counseling to work through some of our problems. That’s right, we were in marriage counseling when he was actually having an affair. He SAT there and told me and the therapist that he wanted to work it out all while he was carrying on an affair. I just don’t think I can ever trust him again.I’m trying to find myself a therapist,someone to talk to so I can make mindful decisions and understand my own feelings. . I just dont know what to do. I want to run…….I want a life…..I want to be happy. I need help. I hate when he comes home at night its just so uncomfortable.
You’re a week from D-Day. Right now, you are in serious shock and going through a bunch of post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. Please, find someone to talk to talk to as soon as you can. This is the worst thing you will ever go through, I promise you. My husband also stayed late (and left early, and spent hours locked in the bathroom) so he could talk to that whore – who also had two young children of her own. How long have you been together, and how did you discover the affair? I wonder if HER husband knows…. stupid selfish whores. I hope you find strength from the experiences of others here. xo
Our five year Anniversary is next month. I found out on Facebook. They were having a live chat when he was on a business trip. He just got a new job so he wont be working with his lover anymore. During their chat, I learned that their plan was to get their spouses to leave them. After confronted, my husband came clean. He had a one night stand with and ex recently as well as a 4 month relationship with his lover. He wants to try and reconcile. I don’t believe him and I dont think I ever will again. I have been looking for a therapist but nobody is calling me back. Im getting so frustrated. …
I know it’s hard but try to stay calm. It can be days before some therapists can return calls. I’m so sorry your husband turned out to be a lying asshole. We all share your pain on that front. Are you able to talk to anyone else? A friend, or family? xo
Dear shocked & confused, aren’t we all! So sorry, it seems almost daily I read about another betrayed spouse! Shattered gave you some good advice, listen & it’s too early to make any decisions, you will have a long road ahead of you, but there are friends here who are going through the same thing you are, so hang in there! Hugs from Joan
Thank you Joan. Did anyone find out about the affair and tell the other persons spouse? I’ve been considering it……I feel like she had no consequences for HER actions! It takes two but she definitely plays a role. I feel like she “got away” with it.
That’s definitely a common scenario! How would you feel about telling him? Do you know him or have you met before? xo
Yes, my best friend id a therapist but its just not helping right now! Im hoping to find someone soon!
I dont know her husband but I can send him a private message on Facebook! Thoughts?
You can only send a private message to someone on Facebook if they are your friends. Otherwise, you can send a friend request, and tell them in that message. Personally, I would do it, but you need to decide if it is safe to do so. What do you think? Is he capable of coming around and punching your husband in the head? xo
You dont have to be there friend to send a privae message .
I don’t know him but my husband can be a little rough around the edges..not too worried. On the other hand, he was sleeping with his wife and sometimes people just snap!
As far as I’m concerned, cheaters deserve to be exposed. xo
Shocked, If the other woman had been married, yes I most definitely would have told her husband, but she’s divorced. I think she’s like a lot of these sluts that go after married men, it inflates their ego thinking they can take a man away from his wife, even if only for a few dirty fuck filled months, they have no morals!
Breaks my heart to read so many blogs like this, but also makes it a bit better to know I’m not alone. Talk about an unspoken epidemic?! I look at all couples now and wonder who has cheated on who, or how long until it happens.
I’m almost 4 months post D Day. Although we’re not married, we are only missing the piece of paper. Been together for 14.5 years, bought and sold 3 houses together and have 3 year old and 8 month old daughters and until recently were always thought to be the perfect couple. Hah!
I will admit that things had gone stale. He said he still wanted me right up til the end, but thought I didn’t want him. Perhaps if his only way of showing interest wasn’t just saying “Do you wanna?”, or “Take your clothes off” things might have been different.
He struggled after the birth of our daughter (don’t we all??), but wouldn’t talk to anyone. He then started working 10-12 hour days 6-7 days a week (legitimately) when our youngest was 2 months old. One night a couple weeks after the long days started and I had just breast fed and put the baby to bed he hit me up for sex. I replied with “I’ve just poured a wine”. After spending all day with a demanding toddler and a newborn I needed some quiet time with no one asking anything if me. He saw red and the stormed off to go to a mates house.
Fast forward a few weeks with him coming and going to work, carrying his phone like an extra appendage and I knew something was up. I started checking his phone while he was asleep, later figuring out that he’d been deleting his messages. Over 4 or so weeks he had an emotional affair (a term I have only learnt in the last few months!) which turned physical, culminating in a night of sex (3 times and he loved it – he spat at me in the aftermath). It took a week after that night for him to come to his senses and decide he wanted me. During this week I didn’t know about the sex, he told me the morning he said he wanted to work on things with me.
Nearly four months on and she has finally quit and found another job. He’s been fairly patient with me, answering my questions honestly, helping with the kids and around the house, taking me out for my birthday. Everything he should have been all these years. He recognises that, though.
It’s the sex that gets me. If he hadn’t have slept with her, things would be different. If he was like he is now, we really would have the perfect relationship because I could enjoy it too.
I read all these ” happily ever after” blogs that give me hope, but also make me wonder how the hell can life be better after an affair? How can a relationship be better after an affair? Maybe on the surface, but deep down? Really?? Why should he be happy? He doesn’t deserve a good relationship. But if his relationship (with me) isn’t good, mine isn’t either. Catch 22. I feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life just going through the motions and never be truly happy again.
Dear Another, those happily ever after blogs are a crock, if you have any common sense at all, these people know their marriage, their lives are changed forever, & most certainly not for the better! I think we will never be the same, with him or even if we leave him, the lies & betrayal will always be there. You have to learn to live with your life now, you can’t undo what’s been done, & that’s a hard fact to come to terms with. I don’t mean to be so straight forward, but I won’t lie to you & sugar coat the truth, these times coming up will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but take the time to decide what you want, not anyone else& you may not know what you want right now, it’s been almost 2 years for me & I still go back & forth between staying or leaving! It’s a no win situation! I am so sorry this has happened to you, hang in there! XO Joan
Thanks for replying Joan. He’s doing everything he can to make things better. I feel like it’s me sabotaging things now, but only because I’m waiting for the bubble to burst…
Willowfrost, I hope you see this because I just wanted you to know, it will be 2 years next month since I found out, though nothing will ever be the same, time does mellow you! You realize it is what it is, you & you alone is the only one who can decide what’s best for you, don’t do anything in haste, give yourself some time to digest everything. Good luck to you, Joan
Joan, I was able to access his itunes backups (he must think me too obtuse to come up with that). They were never deleted. Right there, logged in. I tried opening them using finder but most is gibberish. Is there a way to extract the info so it’s easily readable? I was able to get info just not in an easily readable format. Everything runs together with a lot of shit in between text. No pics thank god. but plenty of damning txt msgs and searches. BTW The destruction of me is complete. I am numb except for the chest pains. I think I might be mentally sick cause after I read some shit I still had sex with him. But after almost 35 yrs with this man how do I quit him?
My brain is burning with the emotional complexity of this situation. Is it more painful to go or stay? And the kids. How can I possibly hurt them with this? I don’t know… I don’t know anything anymore.
Hi, your world and my world are so very similar…. I live in Australia and on the 31st January 2013 I found out about my husbands affair. At the time I had two girls and it was the day before my daughter’s 12th birthday. You never forget the moment when you come to the realization that your husband is a cheater. I found a text message on my youngest daughters ipad. His phone and her ipad link up and some of his messages come up. At the time I don’t think he realized that his messages came up and how stupid he was… I had no idea and was not even looking for evidence of an affair, I thought we were happy. By chance I was checking what my daughter had been up to on her ipad and I came across a text to her, that was the end of my world.
I have never been so devastated and felt like I was
drowning … Looking back I don’t know how I made
It through, I felt it all hate, rage, anger, betrayal,
Hopeless, dead, ashamed and the list goes on..
Right now it has been over a year and I still feel
The same. Today is not a good day for me and I
Am struggling to cope… What to do? I feel trapped right now… After I found out and months of crazy emotions passed my husband was adamant we could work through it, he knew I had always wanted a baby boy and suggested we make a fresh start and have our baby boy…… Months later and I have a beautiful four month old boy, he is so precious but now I feel all mixed up. He tries to tell me I am still crying due to post natal depression but it is not. I feel like I am trapped and have made the biggest mistake of my life. I have two daughters, one is 13 and the other 10. When I found out I knew I could cope as I single mum with the girls but now with three children and I am not so sure. I use to work full time in a well paid job with most of my week working from home, so I knew I would be ok by myself. Now I am a stay at home mum and I don’t work, I have a baby who doesn’t sleep well and two girls to care for, I don’t think I can do it by myself. At times I think I should stay for the kids and that if we try hard enough it will work out. My husband does not want to leave and wants to work on our marriage… he claims …. but after all this time it just seems he wants to pretend the affair never happened. I can’t move forward and I can’t forget like he does. Right now I just feel so confused and don’t know what I should be doing. I can see now that time does not heal anything. I am so angry at myself as I have made my life harder by having another baby but my boy is not to blame. How do you pretend to be happy all the time for you kids, family and friends… Today I can’t cope with it and can’t put on that fake happy face… I have a few hours to show my true feelings before the girls are home from school and mummy starts to pretend again. So much to say but not enough time, little one is about to wake up from a short nap. I just had to put something down so I don’t feel like I am going crazy.
Jen
Hi Jen, thank you for your comment. It never fails to amaze me how much damage an affair causes the betrayed spouse. It just eats away at your soul like a termite, and all you are left with is a shell of your former self. What has your husband done to help you heal? Anything? Has he gone to counselling or given you complete freedom to look at his phone? What do you know about the affair? Is it over? I often wonder myself how I’d go supporting three children on my own. I sometimes imagine I’ve won the Sunrise Cash Cow and when they ask me what I’m going to do with the money, I say “Leave my husband!” Ha. Trust me, you are not going crazy. The fact that you ask makes me think you maybe haven’t had any therapy, am I right? A therapist reassures you right away that you are in fact sane. It perhaps saved my life to know I wasn’t losing my mind. Hang around, I would love to know how you’re going. xo
Hi Shattered Wife,
It has been some time since our original posts. I wanted to give you an update. My husband and I are still together today. We have been going to counseling for about a year and a half now. It was one day a week until around the end of October. The counselor said there is so much we have to work out and we are not progressing so we are now going two days a week. Still don’t see much change with our relationship. He still wants to rebuild and make our family stronger. I still tell him in order to build a strong family you need a strong foundation. Something we don’t now, nor ever had in the past. Although the hurt has somewhat numbed, it is still there. It does rear its head up every time I even think about going to the counseling (ironic I get an email about new posts today, counseling is tonight). Several things that have stung he said in counseling fill my head on days like this. Worst ones – he didn’t love me when we got married – he married me because “it was the right thing to do.” (I was pregnant.) If I would have stood my ground, “I didn’t want to get married again because I had recently gone through a divorce and I didn’t want to get married because I was pregnant. Another one that stung – he made arrangements to move closer to her and eventually marry her so she could raise my children as her own. (Up to that session he denied he was really going to do it.) Hard ones to swallow, right?
One that he couldn’t understand was one that happened this past April. We went on a week long cruise with the kids on the Disney Cruise Line. A dream vacation since it was also a Star Wars day at Sea sailing. We came back and he thought we had a wonderful trip and things were better than ever. In counseling I revealed that I didn’t enjoy most of the trip because every vacation we had in the past I knew he had been communicating with her when he could and after he would email almost the same time each trip… It was a fun trip, but I would have really enjoyed it if it was you with me instead of her. I would have had good nights making love with you and being able to touch you throughout the whole vacation. – When I found that in multiple emails it crushed me. That was -for me – the only time he could actually say he had a good time with me and the family. Throughout the cruise in April I was plagued with the lingering wondering if he wished he was with her on the trip every time we did something fun. I hated the trip. Emotionally it was a horrible trip. He had no clue. When I told him my feelings he all he said is he wished I would’ve read the emails. It would make things so much better and easier to go on with our lives. My comeback was so you wish I could continue living the lie I had lived for 11 years? Not ever going to happen. I won’t and can’t let it!
I have probably given more information than what you were wanting. All in all, we are going to both individual and couple counseling. I have grown a lot – also got a great job paying more than him -yeah- I know I can make it on my own if I have to. He knows it too. I think that scares him some. Another yeah for me. I hope you have a good holiday!
Jen
Thanks for your response:) what do I know about the affair…. He claims it was for a year from Aug2011 till August 2012. He went onto a website where married people can hook up with other married people to cheat, I think it is called Ashley Madison. So she was married too and cheating. She had broken it off with him but a few months later he sent a text to see if they could meet up again, that is the text I found. I wonder if I had not found out about the affair if he would have found a new whore to fuck from the website. So when I found out it was over, her response text to him was she wants to be out of her marriage before she looks for someone again… So there is always the possibility they could meet up again. He has allowed me full access to his phone and computer but you know I just am not the type of person to want access… I don’t want to have to check up on him, why should I have to, I should have been able to fully trust him as he was my husband… Fuck it if you think giving me access to check up on you makes it ok….if you really want to cheat you will just buy another phone or computer and hide it… I hope you understand what I mean. As for therapy we did go about three times, he claims it was too expensive and we couldn’t afford it.. To be honest we have two mortgages and two lots of private school fees… I didn’t get much out of it anyway, it felt like they came up with reasons why he cheated… abused as a child etc… It didn’t really help me. Little one is crying…will respond more a bit later.
Hi Jennie,
It’s tough with kids, especially a baby, to care for while dealing with this. It’s hard enough to get a clear thought, and lack of sleep is even worse. I found myself having trouble getting to sleep before midnight, being woken at 2am by my bub and then lying in bed for 1-2 hours before sleeping again and then up for my pre-schooler at 6:30/7:00. The number of tears I shed while Breastfeeding…
Blogs like this one have been my lifeline. Two things that I got from them are:
1. try to do something nice for yourself and
2. try to focus on now. What is your husband doing now? Is he being caring and loving? Your husband “forgetting” may be his way of dealing by trying to move forward (that’s what mine says, and that’s his nature).
My focus 4 months post D-Day is to try to open myself back up. In a way I am forcing myself to touch, kiss and show love to help it grow. My mantra atm is ‘what we feed grows’. Feed negativity and it will grow. Feed positivity and it will grow too. I’m not saying to suppress all bad thoughts, but maybe those little thoughts can be replaced with something positive and over time the negative thoughts become less frequent. So far it’s working ok for me. I only have weekly melt downs now!
Dear Another Betrayed One, thank you for your kind comment. I needed to hear those words about positivity! xo
Dear Another Betrayed One,
Thank you for your positive words and I will definitely take them on board. So you have a little bub too, how old? I find it hard with a baby and agree about the lack of sleep, I also find it hard to fall back asleep after the 2am feed as negative thoughts go through my mind. You are also right about breast feeding and crying… You are forced to sit down and feed bub which means you have little else to do but think and then the tears coming flooding.
My husband is trying hard to be there for me but it never seems enough. I find at times I am getting there but a week later I am at that same spot again, do you know what I mean? How did you find out Another Betrayed One and was it before or after bub was born?
Jen
Hi shattered – it sounds trivial, but it does help a lot of the time! We’re in this awful, secret club together.
Jen – My bub is 8 months now. The affair started when she was around 2.5 months old and ended when she was 4 months, so I’m 4 months out now.
We’ve talked about what lead to it and he recognises what caused it, but that it was still undoubtedly the wrong thing to do. I still struggle most days and have good days and bad. I’m trying hard to focus on the positives, which can be extremely hard at times. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and 2 back and I have a meltdown. It’s definitely worse with less sleep. I’ve started to recognise the start of the downward spiral and try to be proactive about minimizing it. Who does it help? No-one. What does it solve? Nothing. I just feel exhausted and guilty afterwards. My girls miss out on me and I lose time for myself and I even lose the time I could be working on my relationship. If I’m going to stay, I may as well try as much as I can (which is still less than it would have been a few months ago – I haven’t made that much progress). I’m hoping that time and positive thoughts and actions can help heal. Another quote I’ve read recently is ‘Give time time’ and that’s what I’m trying to do too.
We’ve started going on dates to try to reconnect. Can you try that? Hard with little ones, I know.
I lost my mum a couple of years ago so I don’t have a lot of family support. My sister would help out but she is a shift worker, also my bub will not take a bottle so it makes it very difficult to go out without him. Date nights sound like a good idea, how is it going? How does the conversation flow if you make a point of not talking about the kids or work?
How do you turn off your thoughts about the affair at night? I find it hard at that 3am feed to stop thinking about all the things they got up too…. it makes me extremely upset and then I can’t sleep again. What do you do to keep the negative thoughts at bay?
How long have you been with your partner?
The date nights are going ok. Our first one was only 3 weeks after d day and was a bit awkward. It’s been a few weeks since the last one, but we make a point of turning the TV off and actually talking to each other after the girls are in bed on a regular basis. Maybe try that – dinner and a movie at home? It must be hard without support.
The only way to help turn my brain off at night was literally just to stop thinking. Sounds silly, but I started to recognise those first bad inklings and made myself actively think of something else. I’d read the news on my phone, or look for new recipes to cook, a craft activity for my 3 year old, etc. The more often I did this, the easier it got.
We’ve been together for nearly 15 years, since we were 19 and 20, so we had 11.5 years of life together before kids. We’ve bought, renovated and sold houses, travelled within Aus and overseas, lived away from family and friends. Basically done it all, except get married. We talked about it, but always thought we could spend the money on travel instead. Now I wonder if the ring would have stopped the sl*t from coming after him… I wonder how I’ll feel if the marriage question comes up again…
Dear Another, no the wedding ring doesn’t stop them, it actually sometimes makes a whore work harder to get the man, it’s an ego boost!
I’ve just read your blog from start to finish. You are an inspiration. I have been here but I wasn’t married…luckily. I have since moved on and found a new man, my fiancé. I had a fight with him last night. One of those that is that straw that broke the camel’s back. After turning to my infinitely wise friend Google for comfort, solace, whatever… I came across your blog on a wild tangent. I saw my father cheat on my mother and their relationship was never mended. The same goes for my fiancé’s parents. I never hope to experience this. Your words were so raw and while I can’t relate, I appreciate you sharing in the hope you have helped mend someone’s pain and suffering. You helped me understand it can always be worse. I need to count my blessings and put more into my relationship. I’m a workaholic and need to understand my relationship deserves more attention. I wish you all the best for you and your children. You are such a strong soul! I wish all women going through the pain of infidelity can read your blog and get something from you! Again, thank you!
Thank you for your generous words. And thank you for reading! I, too, hope you never go through any of this. It destroys your soul. Even if you do end up staying with your partner, you are never the same. It is a traumatic, truly life-changing experience. I don’t know what wild tangent brought you here, but thank you for commenting. Your kindness will stay with me for days. xo
My husband had 2 affairs that I know about that went on for approx. 4 years (1st Affair 06-08 and the second affair 08-10). I found out about the second affair in May 2010 and I only found about the first affair by chance in Dec 2011. After reading this blog, its so sad to think that there are so many of us that face this heart-breaking, life changing situation. But here I am 4 years on, good days and bad days still haunt me, I still wonder if I’m going to go or stay. I’m constantly on guard, waiting for the next affair to come along, its like I’m constantly ready for battle. It snot easy and I never fully relax.
I’ve been questioning my reasons for staying of late to the point where I think the enormity of what he put me and my 2 young children through is finally hitting me like a freight train. I find I can’t open up to him or truly be myself around him as he may again cast me aside for some whore and through away my heart and trust. I just feel like I don’t know what to do.
I’ve came to the conclusion that you either need to accept your life as it is and move on knowing there will be good and bad days, or you take a risk and move on leaving that person behind that hurt you. Its been 4 years for me and its still not any easier and I still don’t know what to do. My kids come first and I’m probably still there to keep my family together. xx
Acceptance is key. You may never forgive or forget, but you do need to be able to at least accept to go on. Thank you for commenting. xx
So, my husband continues to be miserable. He’s hard to live with and still isolating. He has limited patience and to me, just seems like he hates family life and all the responsibilities that go along with it. He mentioned this morning that he feels terrible inside and he “wishes he could be happy with me”. Now he’s talking about a separation again…what good will that do? I dont see the benefit. I feel it makes things confusing for our 3 yr old daughter. Just go already…Am I right? Why does it have to be a long drawn out process. at first, he wanted to save the marriage but he really put in very little effort. My D Day was a month ago and has still yet to make any time for us individually. Our 5 year wedding anniversary is coming out this Friday and I won’t be celebrating. I’m tired of all this wishy washy crap. today is telling me that he just doesn’t know what he wants and that’s why I suggested a separation. Why the hell is he calling all the shots? He’s the a****** cheater.
I need HELP trying to figure things out. My D Day was August 5, 2014. I have stayed with my husband since finding out about his one night stand with an ex girlfriend and an ongoing four month relationship with a coworker. We talked and said we would take it one day at a time. Its not working. He told me that he doesn’t feel connected to me and he is not in love with me anymore. He said he feels strongly at times he wants us to work out but other times he wants to leave. He’s going on a business trip this upcoming week and his individual therapist told him to try and sort through his feelings and figure things out in regards to whether he wants to stay or go. It bothers me that he feels he’s even entitled to make these decisions after cheating on me. Shouldn’t I be the one making the decisions. Has anybody separated from their spouse? Does anybody think of separation could be beneficial to gain clarity? If so,how long should a separation of this kind last? A week?…month?… three months? I’m confused. Should I just tell him to go? He wants me to take the time this week also to sort through my feelings. I already told him that as unhappy as I am with the situation I wanted to try and take each day one day at a time and see where it goes but clearly he may be having different feelings…..Neither one of us has put in effort to change things and reconnect. ..He just doesnt seem interested.
I’m so sorry. Your husband was selfish by cheating on you, then HE wants to decide what happens. That sucks. He has all the power! xo
This blog and all of these comments have been really useful for me, thank you so much for sharing. I found out 3 months ago that my partner of 11 years had a month long physical affair and longer emotional one with a coworker and good friend he has known for about 12 years. We are not married as it isn’t something that is important to eitehr of us, we were planning to have a family in the near future. I was in so much shock when I found out, he felt so strongly against cheating I never imagined he would do that, a really important part of our relationship was that we felt so safe with one another. A week before D-day we had had a long discussion that his feeling towards me had changed as I was so pre-occupied and stressed with my work, I was shattered but when he saw how much I really felt for him he assured me we would work it out. When a week later I found out about the affair I also found out that he had ‘met’ with her at least once during that week when I was torn apart and trying my hardest to make him feel happy. These ‘meetings’ always happened at our flat when I was working – so my triggers are pretty much permanent if I choose to think about them – and as I work from home half of the week it is difficult to get away from sometimes.
I am still struggling with depression and anger and we have good and bad days and weeks. He is trying, although I still feel there is not as much fight and remorse as I feel there should be. It is so difficult now to evaluate whether my own feelings and behaviours are out of proportion or reasonable – and then I get angry that I am even having to evaluate whether they are or not. I particularly liked the phrase “what we feed grows” that I read above – I think this is what we are trying to do. I can’t help also feeling resentment though – I think I read above somebody mention why should he have a good and happy relationship now! I still feel like I want him to feel the pain I now carry round with me, and why should he get such a happy outcome? One of the reasons I didn’t leave early on was because I couldn’t bare the thought of him going to her and them living happily ever after. She was also in an equally long term relationship and the first thing I did when I found out was text her that she had to tell her partner. We were all good friends (through him more than me) and another thing I get resentful about is that I have lost friends over this because I have chosen him and they do not want to be around him. I initially met up with the other partner who was cheated on, but it got too complicated and we couldn’t resist trying to find out what the other partner had been saying and checking stories – it didn’t help moving on.
One of the most surprising things I have learnt through all of this is how common this is, almost everybody I have spoken to, even close friends, have admitted to infidelity in their relationships yet I was unaware for years – so many of us suffer in silence and think how we have failed or weren’t good enough – but it happens to most people. I felt terrible that my friends had been through this pain and I did not know. I am not sure it can lessen the pain but at least by sharing more perhaps we can help each other in building ourselves and our self esteem back up again.
Anyhow, I hope my story will help somebody as yours have helped me.
I am going to try and repeat my new mantra that what we feed grows, try and take care of myself and everyone in my life as much as I can and take each day as it comes (sounds easy on paper……….).
Thank you for sharing. I, too, wonder how many of my friends have silently suffered through this hell. Infidelity is more widespread than any of us know. SW xo
I am 42 years old, married for 22 years with 3 children. I found out 5 weeks ago my husband has been in a 4 year affair. This is the worst thing I have ever been through and hope every day I wake up from this nightmare.
4 years?! Holy hell. Has your husband stayed with her? SW xo
No, he wants to stay with me. But the worst part is he accepted a new job in another state, put in his notice, and 12 hours later he told me about the affair. He now resides in another state. Says he did it so we could start over. He says he had to tell me because he couldn’t live with himself anymore.
He accepted a new job in another state without first discussing it with you? Sounds like he wanted to leave. What has he done to convince you to stay with him? SWxo
Also, 4 years is way to much to handle. How could he do this to me??
Four years is a very long time. What will you do in the short-term? SWxo
I’m so glad I found this blog, so many of my thoughts and feelings expressed here.
I do feel like I’m in the wrong place, though. I must be the only one who isn’t still with her husband. I’m starting to think I’m better off out of it.
My story:
I met my husband in early 1985, married two years later. He worked for/with his father in a business he’d set up twenty years earlier. He decided that he wanted to return to his birthplace, so we upped sticks & moved 300 miles, along with his parents. I gave up my job, family & friends for this, so I guess I always felt he owed me for that.
I’d dropped out of school at 17, so decided to go back to college & get a decent qualification. However I discovered I was pregnant and that was the end of any career. It was 1988, so any childcare would have eaten up all my wages. He was never prepared to change his working hours to accommodate my working, instead he just worked longer hours to pay for the extra cost of losing my income.
I was reasonably happy being a SAH mum until my son got to 2 and still no words. He had speech therapy, not sure if that helped. Finally at 3 a few words started appearing, by 4 he could speak reasonably well. My mum was convinced there was a problem but health & education workers found nothing & did nothing to help.
I developed depression and received counselling. The counsellor decided I needed marriage guidance counselling. He agreed but it didn’t help as he refused to follow her suggestion that we put aside an hour a week to discuss our feelings, so it ended.
At this time I was suffering severe PMS (which continued until 2010 when I had a hysterectomy and probably hugely contributed to my marriage breakdown), which meant I was foul-tempered for up to two weeks each month. He told me that he couldn’t take any more and was going to leave. At this, I decided that I would move back to where I was born & raised, close to my parents, I felt there was no point in staying there if he was going to leave. So I left. My son attended the same school that I had. My mother worked there as the secretary and she organised a referral to an educational psychologist. He was diagnosed with a mild form of autism, a sort of mirror image of Asperger’s.
After this my depression lifted, I did some studying at home, and felt the future looked good.
My husband travelled to stay with us every weekend, we spent weekends as a family and life was pretty good. Eventually we resumed sexual relations and he declared his undying love and pleaded with me to return to our new home. We had a second honeymoon and things were wonderful.
I returned to live with him and, for a while, his parents. By this time I was pregnant and suffered badly from morning sickness. Our sex life stopped (he won’t initiate sex unless we’re in bed together or show any signals that he’s interested and we had single beds while his parents were in the house – plus he just seems to lose interest when I’m pregnant).
His parents left (we bought their house and the one next door with the intention of knocking through to make a much bigger house). We stayed there for years, I was never happy in the house for a number of reasons, the conversion from two houses to one was done cheaply and badly, and the house was difficult to run and live in. However, it was big, so big that when my spending started getting out of control, I found room to store everything I’d bought. My husband was as distant as ever, all the good times we’d had before the pregnancy were over. He used to completely ignore me when he was home and paid for me to have help with cleaners. He never interacted with the kids, the total interaction was asking our son (now 9) to help with the baby if I asked him to do anything. He was always too busy watching TV or reading the paper or soaking in the bath for hours. The only time he ever communicated was if we went out for a meal. I think he just sees his home as a den to be alone, not a place to share with family. Maybe he never left his teens. My daughter was the most horrendous baby imaginable, she cried all night every night for 12 weeks, until I discovered breast feeding lying down. That was the only way she would sleep. Consequently she was in my bed for a long time.
Unknown to me, this is when he had his first affair (as far as I’m aware). I really don’t know why I didn’t suspect it, but looking back now it all makes sense. I read ‘Mars/Venus’ and just thought ‘if he wants to go into his cave he can fucking stay there’. I wasn’t overly unhappy (compared with now it was bliss), but I did feel neglected and unloved, which is probably why I started overbuying toys and clothes for the kids. It had always been a problem but in the past we couldn’t afford it. Even though he complained about the spending I didn’t see why I should stop when he spent fortunes on himself, including a flashy jag and numerous trips abroad with his chums.
When our daughter was about three or so he decided to extend our already enormous house by converting the top floor of one half from a flat roof to a pitched roof and adding living space like the other half. It was at this time that we resumed our sexual relations once more. I honestly can’t remember how it happened, but I now know that his mistress dumped him after he refused to leave me for her, so I guess he came crawling back.
Of course I immediately fell pregnant again (every time we were using condoms for contraception but he failed to use it properly). Once again things deteriorated after the birth due to sleep deprivation etc but they did improve eventually.
Looking back I did suspect he was cheating at the time he was but when I confronted him he totally denied it and I stupidly believed him.
For years I wracked my brain trying to figure out why he was so distant and uncommunicative, and decided he must be autistic like our son. I suggested marriage counselling a few times, but he refused, saying he didn’t think you should have to work at a marriage. Of course it was because he was cheating.
I’ve commented on the very first post about what happened next, I really don’t want to repeat that here.
What I don’t get is why it’s left me so devastated. I think I might be because things have always been rocky, but it was always when I had very small children. I figured once the kids were older we could get back to the good times and was really looking forward to that future. However, I now feel betrayed that he never gave a shit about me, I was just a cumbucket and a nanny. When our sex life faltered, he just went elsewhere. Of course, he only ever cheated once he started making good money.
I read elsewhere that someone said their husband wasn’t a looker, that they thought this would reduce the chances of him straying; this is exactly how I felt. He honestly seems to think that he’s a good catch just because skanky gold-digging whores will sleep with him.
I don’t even know why I’m not glad to be shot of him.
When I first found out about his more recent affair, I wasn’t too bothered, it was only when I realized that he’d been spending lorry loads of money on her that I started getting angry. I’m living in a dump while he’s living in a massive house worth three times as much. He says he doesn’t want to live with her but claimed in 2010 that she wanted to live with him. She denied this, but she told as many, if not more, lies than he did. At one point I guessed his email password and managed to read them. What hurt the most was when I wrote him a long, heartfelt letter about how I felt, he forwarded it onto her to read. Her reply was ‘what a load of rubbish, babe, take no notice xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx’
He seemed to forward every email I’d sent him onto her. This, when she was emailing me about how she’d had enough and was gonna dump him. She was dissing him left, right & centre & told me about 15 times that she was gonna end it. She also claimed that she wouldn’t stand in the way of us getting back together, which was lies.
I think the biggest shock really was the realization that he wanted it to be over. After I left I’d always thought I’d return eventually, when the kids were older and more independent.
I’d even have been happy to stay with him just as housemates, knowing he was seeing other women, as long as we raised our kids together, but it seems he just wanted rid of me and all my stuff.
I’m completely confused as I don’t think I love him any more but I hate the thought of him spending quality time (and money on) with this home wrecker.
I tried to start divorce proceedings in 2010 but it all fell apart when he refused to hand over a document my lawyer requested. I also couldn’t afford to pay her so I gave up. The truth is I have no idea how much money we have. He hides all the paperwork at work, I know he pays himself a low(ish) wage. He also now pays me a salary despite not working ( he does the same with her – she doesn’t even work for him any more since she became a grandmother – I spoke to his business associates at his dad’s funeral and they told me that everyone at work hates her as she is immature, selfish, gold-digging and is just using him to get football tickets and access to associated social events where she gets to meet all the players – ultimately the football connection is why we live where we do – it is his life and he’s spent a fortune on crap memorabilia which adorns our house now).
I don’t even know if they’re still together. I assume they must be, she knows when she’s onto a good thing and would never dump him unless she met someone better). If I try to discuss her he gets angry.
I know what I want – I want him to sell our house so that I can buy a decent house and live with all my children. I’d love to get back with him but unless he professed profound apologies and grovelled etc I wouldn’t. Seems like he decided the marriage was over years ago and just forgot to tell me. TBH I don’t believe he’s ever ended a relationship so he doesn’t know how to.
I am most angry with him because I missed an opportunity to start a new life with my youngest two and move closer to my parents and brother. He opened a second depot many miles away several years ago. He said at the time that he’d see how it went and we’d possibly move there if it were necessary. Instead, he just spent all week there, returning at weekends. I now know that she was going with him and playing house with him, he’s commented on numerous occasions how she’d clean the toilets, as though that made her a saint.
When I finally twigged that there was no hope of reconciliation in early 2012 I decided I’d move anyway. But my older daughter didn’t want to go. After being miserable at school for years, she was finally happy. To add insult to injury, she decided to live with him. I now have just one child left, who is miserable at school. I’m still tempted to move, but because every important decision I’ve made in the last few years have turned out disastrously, I no longer believe I’m capable of making sound decisions, and I’m terrified it will just make things worse.
I am coming up on 3 years of since I discovered my idiots husbands cheating & affair. It took him a year to end it and I am recovering still 3 years later. He’s embarrassed and I’m humiliated. I have a blog too but I stopped for a bit because I took a new job (thank God for the distraction!) and because I felt I’d passed the point of dwelling on it. Infidelity it hell. This club of betrayed spouses is NOT one I’d ever choose to be a part of. I send you the best. Your posts are well done. I saw write until you don’t need it anymore… Vent and rage! Maybe its a year… maybe its 5. Who cares… you fix you.
Thank you for your awesome words, Flaca. SWxo
I wish I hadn’t had cause to come across your blog but I’m so glad to have found it in another way – it’s the first time in a while that I’ve felt that I’m not going slowly and quietly mad and that I’m not on my own with all of this. Our timeframes are similar (I had a little ‘teaser’ of what was to come about a year before but foolishly thought everything was all out in the open. It wasn’t and the worst – or maybe not, who knows – was yet to come). D Day for me was after a birthday meal (mine) and the day before a holiday to the same place we went on honeymoon. I have stayed and tried my best to put it all behind us, but I feel like a part of me is gone forever (which sucks and makes me so angry). My self esteem is hovering around rock bottom and I feel pretty useless/washed up – the antithesis to how I used to feel about myself. I’ve only told a couple of people who I’m not really close to as at the time I couldn’t bear for anyone who knows me well to judge me or to put people close to me through even a tiny bit of what I’ve felt. Everything you’re saying is so familiar and I’m so sorry you and everyone else on here has had to go through this. As you say this isn’t a club any of us want to be in and it is truly bloody hideous. Lots of love and here’s to getting through it and out the other side x
Hey Shadow, I’m sorry you find yourself here. Can you tell us a bit more about your situation? How long have you been married? Do you have children? How did you discover the affair? How long had it been going on, and how did he meet her? Trust me, you are not going insane. It’s just that questioning everything in your world you knew to be true makes your brain go crazy. It’s like your life, your marriage, has been a sham. Thank you for commenting. SWxo
Hi there, I came across your blog today as I googled “how to handle your husband cheating on you.” Your blog hit so close to home. I found out last Thurs morning that the man I’ve been married to for 19 years asked a lady friend to go with him on a business trip. I was devastated. This morning was worse..I snooped around more and found out he’s been talking to her and flirting and meeting here for over 2 years. I don’t even know what to do. Your blog put words to the emotions I’m feeling.
Gosh, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. Don’t call that other woman a lady friend – she ain’t no friend. She’s a whore! A two-year affair, my goodness. You’re about to embark on a shitty rollercoaster ride that never seems to end. Stick around, happy to help you any way I can. SWxo
trust me, I’ve called her and him every name in the book…lady friend was the best name I could come up with for public display. I keep wanting to dig and dig and find out more. He refuses to talk about it or answer questions because “she means nothing..” And “..I never touched her..” Whatever. This morning while I snooped on his phone is when I realized they’ve been texting and meeting for lunches for a minimum of two years. I texted the nasty OW and told her to stay away last week. Today after my discovery I texted her and asked if they were ever physical and her response was that she was shocked at such vulgar accusations. What???? Vulgar is what you were doing with someone else’s husband, you two bit cheap good for nothing. I despise the man I’m married to (I can’t even bring myself to call him my husband), but I want to tell the OW: get your own man
Ha, don’t worry about swearing on my blog. Every second word here is FUCK haha! Shocked? Her? I seriously doubt it! Is she married? SWxo
No she’s not married. i just don’t know how to find out if they’ve slept together. Both of them are denying it. Maybe they have an agreement not to confess that part if they get caught??? I don’t know. I want to snoop more on his phone but I don’t know how much more information I can handle. Last week he told our teenage daughters that I think he’s having an affair and said that I’m taking everything out of context. Liar. I havent told the girls about my discovery today about how long he and the hag have been texting. It will crush them. Sadly, it’s him who turned the somewhat normal texts more intimate. And the final hurt was him inviting her on a business trip and hiding the whole thing.
Cheaters will do and say anything to put themselves in a better light. Don’t let your husband have the upper hand. He is basically telling your daughters that you’ve gone nuts. Set the record straight. An emotional affair is very much an affair. Any sex is inconsequential. Find strength from any corner you can. SWxo
Found out a few hours ago that since at least Jan of this year, the pig has been on hook up sites and if my detective work is correct (“late in the evening meetings,” receipt left around carelessly, cash being pulled out, timelines from the hook up sites), he’s been seeing hookers this year too. I’m still reeling from this info.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. Are you planning on confronting him with this info? Then what? SWxo
I do need to confront him but the pig will just deny or deflect the attention on to me. Such a pig. I’m so mad it took me so long to figure all this out. And my sweet precious children…this is too much.
I just confronted the pig about seeing prostitutes and he didn’t deny anything but he refused to talk about it. He immediately turned the conversation around to lack of enough sex and intimacy. What a bastard pig. I told him I’m going to counseling since I desperately need to talk to someone and if he wants to come along he can. He agreed to come with me so I texted and called the counselor who I’ve seen in the past after my dad died. Waiting for her call back. Hoping she can see us today. All the while I’m trying to process his reactions and reasoning since he refuses to talk about it. I hate him so much.
Oh Miss Bee… I am in the same boat as you only I have not confronted yet. I need to build up my strength and get therapy first to help me figure out how to proceed. The money, the threat to my health, I need to have all my ducks in a row cause when it blows it’s gonna be bad. I need strength.
Willow, if a door mat like me could find strength, you can too. Update: my angel of a counselor immediately saw us yesterday evening. The pig actually met me there. Again he wouldn’t go into detail about what he had done with the whores but he did admit to infidelity. He blamed me for lack of sex and emotional intimacy, as I knew he would. But the counselor said “wait, we have to get through the adultery before we address the marriage..”
the pig said all the right things and she’s going to make him give details as we continue in the months to come. She validated my pain and hurt and anger. He thinks we are on the road to recovery. I picked up a box of condoms on the way home. If it’s sex he wants, it’s sex he will get, but on my terms. I have to protect my self. I don’t want diseases and since he won’t talk about it, I have to do what I need to do. I wouldn’t let him kiss me, and I’m glad he noticed. He didn’t even argue about the condoms. This morning I woke up with more raw fresh anger. What a life. Thank God for my angel children who make life worth living.
So you had sex? How was it? I won’t let my husband kiss me during sex and I no longer want dirty talk. I don’t want him uttering sex talk to me that he said to that fucking whore. Fuck me, come, get off me, sleep. Minimal emotion. Wonder how my brain justifies a sexual connection but not an emotional one…
Shattered, yes we did have sex. It was good but it certainly wasn’t out of love. I tried again this morning to have sex but he said no, and not in a mean way but in a “I don’t need it right now way.” Im trying to make him accountable to me little by little. I asked him to start coming to work earlier since on the past he’d come to the office late since he was looking for whores online but would tell everyone he was working. We work together and I feel so stupid that he would go to “meetings” in the middle of the day and I’m sitting right there in the office. His whoring happened under my nose! How stupid can I be???? I can’t stand his whoring pig self. Thank you, shattered, again for this safe environment. I’m only one week after D day and I’m too ashamed to tell anyone. On the plus side, I’ve lost 2.5 pounds in less than 5 days.
Trust me, the dramatic weight loss is the only benefit of this saga. You’ll look hotter than you have in years. Your body is in complete shock right now. Consuming food is the least of its worries. SWxo
Miss Bee, first thing I want to say is you certainly are not stupid & you have nothing to be ashamed about, that all falls on your cheating husband, there’s so many other things our husbands’ could have done other than betray us by having an affair! My husbands’ online affair that turned physical was carried on in our home right under my nose, for months I felt something wasn’t right, but never thought he would be having a sexual affair, it was also emotional! As for the weight loss, it will probably get worse, I lost over 30 lbs in less than a month & I was never a big woman, I ended up around 95 lbs & looking like I was dying & inside I was! It’s still so early for you, it’s been 2 years for me, we are still together but it’s the hardest thing I have ever been through, there are still bad days, but time does help ease some of the worse pain! Know if you stay your marriage will never be the same & I know I will never feel the same way about my husband ever again! Since you have to be going through this shit filled journey I am so glad you found Shattered blog, she has no idea how much she has helped me these past 2 years, she has been an inspiration & I am in awe of the courage she shows, she’s a wonderful friend to have helping you & there are other equally amazing women on other blogs! So try to take care of yourself & I’m so sorry this happened to you, there are so many out there in blog land. Hugs from Joan
I came across this blog earlier this week,as I was surfing the net, trying to figure out my feelings for the millionth time since I found out my husband’s emotional affair with his adult female music student (a married woman with 3 girls). My husband is a musician and at certain functions I sing with his band. We have been married for 18 years and have 3 children aged 17, 16 and 10. My Dday was Tue 7th Jan 2014, a day which completely changed me forever. We had been having our ups and downs and many quarrels on trivial matters for months, however, which couple does not quarrel? well ours were getting worse. The previous Sat we had quarreled and were at a point that by Monday evening we had not even talked to each other at all. While I was in bed and he was in the kitchen I decided to check out his facebook account. I am not the jealous or suspicious type and I knew his password (since I was the one to open the account for him) I had never checked out his account. I just was curious to see his activity log. I realized that he was chatting in the private messages with his “friend”. I followed their conversation commenting on various Christmas things however one comment triggered red light in my head “you are like me, loving the small things…”. How the hell did she know what he likes or not like?
The very next morning, while he was still in bed and the kids at school, I logged into his facebook account to check out the full conversation. I still remember the shock, the chest tightness I felt on seeing the “older 7410 messages”. To cut a long story short, they had been chatting in the evenings for approximately 3 times a week, for 15 months. 15 months meant that my husband had started texting / chatting with his friend at the time my father was dying of lung cancer and I was utterly devastated. (My father had been cared for at home until the very last day of his life in January 2013 and I was the one to wash and feed him every single day!!!!!). At the time when I was seeing my father deteriorating, feeling as if the world for me was ending, my darling husband was chatting with his student about so many different things, as if nothing was happening, commenting on books, telling her what she should read and what to watch on tv; she telling him how very good and how intelligent he is – making me sick at my stomach since he was only recommending things I had previously recommended him to read or watch!!!!! Some of the chats were even commenting on TV shows they were both watching at the same time!!!! (when he rarely watched anything with me). From those chats I learnt that they even drank wine together during the music lessons!!! great!!! (by the way, I forgot to mention that her lesson was individual tuition, at his office some 10 minutes drive away from our house.) At another time, he was sharing with her a problem we were facing at work, something which only him and I knew – and he was telling her not to tell anyone else since only we knew – how sweet, he was incorporating her into our group!!!. At another point, in May, he also told her that during work he performed a particular song and thought about her!!!! – by the way, I was at work with him that day. There are much more and even much worse episodes and if I had to write everything I would have to start another blog myself.
I knew that once I faced him with what I had discovered, he would delete the chat so I finally figured out how to copy the whole conversation on a Word document, totalling to over 900 pages!!!!! When I finally faced him about what I had found, he said that it was nothing and I was just imaging things!!!! He said that she is really a sweet person and it is just a friendship and that there is nothing going on between them – and that she really respected me… respected me???!!!???? I would never ever dream of chatting at night with the husband of someone I respect!!!! If she is not even respecting her husband by chatting with my husband, how can she respect me??? By the way, I also found out during this discussion that his Christmas present for me, a perfume, had been chosen by her and she had taken care to go and buy or pick it up for him. How really charming!!! Because I forgot,,, she is just a very sweet woman. I really cannot believe that he expected me to believe such stupidity… I am not a professor but I have a degree and I was not born yesterday.
Well, I insisted that all the chatting should cease, which it did, but not before he sent her a thumbs up just after our confrontation, so I do not know if it meant to be careful now that they have been discovered. I insisted that he should end her lessons, I did not want her confined with him in a small office all alone… He wanted to continue her lessons at our house and I shouted that I do not want any snakes crawling into our home. He was not ready to tell her that I suspected something wrong with her and I told him that if he found a problem I would face her myself, something which he did not want at all costs. Eventough on one occasion I told her indirectly not to mess with me and my family and I think she understood me perfectly well because since then she started missing lessons and finally ended her tuition in May.
There are so many more episodes but I think I will relate them some other time. I have already written such a long comment but please forgive me. It feels so good to finally being able to get it out of my chest.. you see, I have practically told no one about this, neither my mother, brothers or sisters nor my in-laws, mainly to protect my mother and his parents from the pain, they are in their 80’s and I know it would be the greatest blow for them. As for our children, it is not easy to hide such things from them, especially the teenagers who knew what had been going on in the house eventhough they do not know the details.
He is very sorry and we are trying to rebuild our marriage. However, it is still a very painful period when I am going through feeling great and feeling desperate moments. Thanks to everyone for supporting each other.
Thank you, emotionallyshattered, your comments are welcome here any time. See, for many men, unless sex took place, then “nothing happened”. They don’t appreciate the concept of keeping a relationship secret from their spouse is STILL AN AFFAIR! That woman is definitely a snake you don’t want in your home! Married women (with children!) whoring around make me sick. How could she not be neglecting her OWN marriage by speaking to your husband for so long and so regularly? She is disgusting. And to take advantage of him at the time you were looking after your sick father! Your husband is weak. My goodness, 900 pages. What a bitch. Well done on telling her to fuck off (in not so many words). I’m sorry you are suffering with the rest of us but am glad you found my blog. I hope it helps you in some small way. My husband is also a muso and I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I’d be checking his phone next, btw. PS Hope you emptied that perfume bottle over his head. SWxo
Well, I used the bottle of perfume as an air freshener after every time he used the bathroom, making sure he sees it!!! As for his phone, it was not easy to check out his phone. He has an old Nokia on which messages have to be deleted regularly. However, and this was a later shock, since I had imagined that contact outside the lessons had been limited to facebook only, in late April I decided to check out the phone bills because on them there are printed the numbers he phoned/messaged. I found her mobile number for a number of messages, sometimes amounting to 30 a month…some sent even at times he was supposed to be on stage performing!!!! or during breaks!!!! On Father’s Day, he even phoned her home from our home telephone. I can never know what was written in these messages but at least I know and can prove that there had been contact. Poor thing, he was helping her to feel better because at times she was feeling neglected by her husband!!!! I told him that he is neither her confessor nor her councillor and that he should have told her to seek professional help or better to take care of her husband herself so he will reciprocate.
You see, sometimes I feel really sorry that when I discovered the facebook messages I did not follow my first instinct and contact her husband and show him everything. I tried to reason out that I did not want to see another person suffer as I was suffering..,sometimes I wish I had done it, just to see how his reaction would have been, and if he (her husband) would think that something was going on between them or not.
Needless to say, I now have prohibited him from playing the song which he had told her made him think of her. Unfortunately, he has not as yet unfriended her from facebook and her profile picture or name is the first to pop up when trying to do something. It is something I have to tackle in the coming months since seeing her profile picture popping up and him swiping it away quickly gets on my nerves.
Well thanks for this blog. I feel much better, as if finally I have a new friend to whom I can relate to and who can understand the turbulence of emotions I have been going through during these last months.
He needs to unfriend her immediately. And yes, I would have told her husband. What’s stopping you? SWxo
Update: he’s remorseful, more attentive and is starting to answer some of the questions I ask. I’ve being going out of my way to have sex, initiating it every chance I get. Strangely, i want to have sex with him. I don’t understand the dynamics when I’m giving him the one thing that he sought from others. When I’m alone, the images of what I think happened and words and sexing and texting all haunt me and beat me to a point of submission until I’m crying like a little girl. I need this healing for my heart to speed up.
Miss Bee, you are in the Hysterical Bonding phase right now, enjoy, it won’t last, the don’t touch me I hate your fucking guts stage is next!
Thank you Joan for the heads up (no pun intended) on what to expect when the hysterical bonding phase is over. I am also still in that phase and waiting patiently for anger to set in. Sometimes I feel so pathetic that I still want him. How these men can do this is beyond comprehension. My head and heart hurts so much. I am torn…
I’m trying to reassure myself that everything I’m feeling is normal. I wish I could find someone (other than the counselor we have to pay) to talk to face to face but I’m so embarrassed. Anyway, is it normal to want to know more details but be terrified of what you’ll find? It is normal to be suspicious if he’s in the bathroom too long or on his phone too long? These past few days he will openly respond to texts and let me see what he’s doing on the phone if I’m sitting there. In the past he’d turn his body ever so slightly so he could hide. I want to ask him how many women there have been. How many were blow jobs? How many were regular sex? I got brave and asked if he had been with more than one woman at a time, or been with children or animals or men. He said no to all. Was that ok to ask? I need to know these things, right? I’m trying to be strategic. I’m going to psych myself up and ask him to get tested for diseases today.
My husband would go to the bathroom for an eternity while he sat in there texting the whore. Be suspicious. And don’t let him take his phone into the bathroom! SWxo
Willow, how they can do this is anyones’ guess, I’m sure they all have different reasons! Of course you still want him because obviously you still love him, just because our husbands’ act like immature high schoolers losing their head over a piece of ass doesn’t stop your love, after all we women are adults, most men when faced with a vagina lose all control of what’s real & what isn’t! I’m so sorry this happened to you, but your husband will have to be strong & want to help you through this. It’s been 2 years for me & I know I would not have stayed if my husband had not seem to be truly remorseful! Take care, I’m sure we will be running into each other on these various blogs! Hugs from Joan
Miss Bee, it is perfectly normal to want to know what your husband did & if he wants you & his marriage he better stop all his lying & be totally honest! And it goes without saying he should be tested for stds’!!! You have every right to ask him anything you want to & if he has objections, then you have an even bigger problem, because after an affair is discovered I pretty much feel they have no right to any secrets! Good luck! XO Joan
Yes I think all of the above is normal. I too would love to talk to someone face to face that truly understands and that will respect this humiliating ordeal we are going through and keep it private.
I too wanted more info and at the same time was terrified to find out. Ignorance is truly bliss. I found out only due to my own detective work. but I believe there is still be more. I am not done yet cause I have a feeling large sums of money may have been used as gifts or pay offs. I can’t give a clue what I am doing. He has already cancelled FB and linkedin. Shut down several accts and emails. I discovered alias emails but have no passwords. He uses access phone companies to make calls so they don’t show up on the bills. Money has been moving around and so confusingly I need a financial person to help me figure out what’s going on. Plus I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach he may have an addiction to whores.
I don’t feel he loves me, I don’t feel attractive to him and he doesn’t act it. If I initiate sex we have it. Otherwise unless I complain it does not happen. No desire for me. I am not ugly just middle aged with a body and looks that are starting to show it. I am not a 20-30-40 something whore that will let a man do anything for money, nor a whore that will sleep with another woman’s husband. Today I have spent crying from the realization that my husband does not desire me. He cares only for his image. Miss Bee, or anyone else in the USA that may want to get in contact with a phone call or meet up let me know. Willowfrost97@gmail.com
Willie I cried when I read your blog, I hinestly feel your pain, I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel x
Sorry willow I hate auto correct
Miss Bee, yes it is normal wanting to know what your husband exactly did. I still remember the very early days when I wanted to know everything and in the meantime was afraid to discover something even worse. To be honest, I was so desperate that I finished up making a day to day diary of their “lessons”, their facebook chatting, his mobile calls and messages to her (I could not know about the ones originating from her since I listed these from his telephone bills) including his working evenings to literally find out what was left for me and the kids at the end of the month. In some months, it resulted that he had contact with her in one way or another for 24 or 25 days per month. Nevertheless, I know that there are things that passed between them that I would never, ever know about and probably that is one of the things that hurts me the most, when I remember that she was privy to things that he shared with her only. Also he seems to have recovered from all this nightmare far better than I did, because I am still shattered and cry because of it every now and then. I still do not trust him blindfolded as I did before, and probably I never will. In my case, it was an emotional affair, but sometimes I wander if it had crossed to the physical…he still insists that nothing happened between them.
One thing I realized also through all of this mess is that he was trying to tell me things that I already knew about, so when I started to face him with new evidence, I did not show or tell him everything straight away, to see how much he would tell me…and when I told him he was lying and faced him with the evidence, his excuse was that he did not want to hurt me further.
Please be careful, take very good care of yourself, go out for walks or do exercise, keep yourself as healthy as possible. Do not repeat my mistake and keeping all bottled up inside you, you will only finish a teary wreck. Here we are all under the same circumstances and we can understand. If he really cares for you and is remorseful of what he did, he will turn back to you and care. If he doesn’t, it is no use to waste yourself after him. Big hug to you xxx
Most of your story echoes mine. 3.5 years ago, my now ex-wife started an online affair and she ended up choosing him over me before she actually met him in person. I’m convinced he only targeted her because she was married; to me he is a piece of scum – not that I am absolving her of the responsibility, she chose to react the way she did to his encouragement and her actions were just as bad as his – worse in fact, because at least he was single at the time.
It took six months for us to decide it was over. Some marriages survive infidelity, but ours didn’t. I hope you have a resolution that is beneficial for you and your children.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Cuch. How long were you married? Do you have children? The destruction infidelity is much bigger than many realise. Only those sitting inside the mess know how far its effects reach. Thank you for coming by, you are welcome here any time. SWxo
Here’s the thing – we were together ten years before we got married and by the time our second wedding anniversary came around, it was already over.
No, we didn’t have children but at the start of 2011 (when she was already involved with him) she put a lot of pressure on me for us to have children.. and I mean RIGHT NOW. We were not in a position to do so at the time with our student debt (we both went to uni as mature students and graduated at the beginning of the financial crisis, both had crappy jobs).
Secondly, I never wanted children, she knew that when we met and she knew as the years went by I was unlikely to change my mind. She knew that when she pushed and pushed for us to get married (against my better judgement – it was the wrong time for so many reason) and she knew that on our wedding day too. I thought she had decided she could live without them but it turned out she had decided my wishes and desires for life were unimportant.
Unfortunately, not wanting children is a dealbreaker for much of the female population, regardless of whether she knew this about you. However, she took the gutless way out, as all cheaters do. I’m sorry this still causes you angst. Do you know if she’s still with that guy? SWxo
I know it is a deal breaker which is why I have always been upfront about it. Sadly, some women think it is both acceptable and logical to nag a man into having children with her.
She is not with him any more. He proved what lowlife scum he was last year by dumping her the day after our divorce finalised – he knew the date it was going to happen and (I feel) specifically chose that date to end it with her.
Actually, it isn’t bothering me any more. The only reason I am looking at blogs about cheating now is because this month would have been our fifth wedding anniversary and I’ve been thinking about how far I have come and everything I have been through in that time.
We remain friends, surprisingly, because she ended up being my support crutch after I had a low point two years ago and nearly ended up taking my own life. She also hit a rough patch after “he” treated her the way he did. She turned to me because she was feeling suicidal then. Now we are more like brother and sister; not everybody understands that, but we both feel our relationship was heading in that direction before we got married.
I am now in a happy relationship with someone else 🙂
This is a letter (never sent) I wrote for my blog after our divorce finalised.
http://chinupchesthigh.wordpress.com/2013/04/30/letter-ex-wife/
You’ve recalled so many great memories there. SWxo
Your pain is my pain. My husband had an 8 month affair almost 20 years ago while I was pregnant. We had been together 10 years at the time and I though we were special. I found out about his affair three days before my due date when I saw found photos of them, naked in bed together. He had been overseas with her for 5 weeks on a holiday which he had somehow justified to me. He told me that night he wanted to be with me and our baby, he dumped her and he has been a faithful and committed husband and father ever since. I buried all my feelings at the time but four months ago a trigger plunged me into deep despair. I am more upset right now than I was then. I think I shutdown my emotions at the time to focus on giving birth and becoming a mother. I cannot even describe the pain I’m in right now, infidelity is so very cruel. And now I also have the guilt of making him feel ashamed after so long because I cannot hide my distress. 20 years is a long time ago but I remember every hurt and humiliation and it is like a stabbing feeling every time. I’ve lost 10 kg, can’t sleep, have constant obsessive thoughts and if I’m not vomiting I’m crying. It’s no way to live but the pain hasn’t abated yet. What if it never goes?
I’m happy and not so happy that I’ve found your blog. Happy that I have been able to see that I’m not alone in my pain, anger and frustration. Yet heartbroken that we share this pain. The raw emotions in your blog posts I’m all too familiar with as my husband also has had an emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend of his. Much of what you have written echoes my very situation with of course my own twists and turns. You have inspired me to start my own blog. Hmmmmm …. now what to call it? I’m thinking of “Sleeping with the Enemy” perhaps, What do you think?
I’ll be back to comment on some of your blogs. I pray you can find peace no matter how things turn out for you. You’ll be hearing from me again.
Hello and welcome, BF! I’m sorry you find yourself here but glad to have you here for emotional support! There are lots of strong women who frequent these pages- hang around and share with us. Well done on deciding to set up your own blog. I will be with you, reading the sorry saga that brought you to this place. Wishing you love and strength. SWxo
I said I would be back I just didn’t think I would this soon. I did just create a blog (no entries yet). Being a stickler for design it was important I get that down and the name down first. I nixed “Sleeping with the Enemy” for the simple fact that I may not be sleeping with the enemy in the future. I titled it simply “Broken Wings – learning to fly again”. It’s exactly what I’ve been doing since D Day and I’m on a road to self… re-discovery. Here is the addy… http://brokenfae.com
I’m sure I’ll end up BlogRolling you once I get the finished details done.
Well done! I will follow you now so I get instant updates into my Reader. SWxo
I cried at a lot of your posts. Your feelings and struggles were mirror to mine 4 years ago. We split up, he was cheating on me with 2 married women. The first one lasted for at least 8 years off and on. It started before I met him. The second started Christmas time 2009. I received an email from the first married woman’s husband (whom we spent couples dates with), his wife was upset that he was cheating on her with another woman from his new work. The new woman was not going to let my ex go without a fight. Both women got divorced. Second woman is still with my ex. I was in hell for a very long time and I too lost a lot of weight and my hair. I still have not fully recovered from the betrayal and it is hard to trust other men. I still have triggers. I wish you the best. I am so proud of your strength and courage. Bless you
Thank you for your kind words, Shari. I am in a much better place, almost 13 months later. Not great, but much better.
My husband of 24 years had an affair for 8 months with slut girl that prayed on him after our son was paralyzed from neck down in traumatic injury. The pain and sick things this slut did without regard to grief and family. Oh yes my husband made choice also I know that he is poor in choices and weak in dealing with life. Not sure we can get beyond this ordeal but worth a slow approach as we have such need with trauma injury. Taking one minute at a time some days and then others flow like water. An affair is an ugly lie that is so corrupt and bad as well as dirty. I wish kharma on slut girl as she equates sex and finding men that she can’t truly have either married or out of state as her best source of dates. She was methodical and good to the last detail as this was not her first rodeo.
I’m so sorry to hear of your son’s awful injury. So many affairs happen when big life events hit. For us, it was having baby no.3. For others, it’s injury, bankruptcy, etc. While the women are busy getting on with things, these weak husbands turn to whores to cope. Like we need MORE shit to deal with. Thank you for writing. How are you at the moment? How is your husband behaving? Does he want to stay? SWxo
Your story is what has kept me alive. Without you, I would be lost. Being cheated on has destroyed me. I was alone for so long through this horrible journey. No one could understand how it destroyed my entire life. And then I found your blog. You understood me. You understood everything I went through. I had been with my significant other since November of 2012. He cheated on me in April, 2014. He slept with the girlfriend of a mutual friend of ours. He didn’t know her, he had no emotional attachment to her, and he thought that our relationship was virtually over. Though he saw no reason to end it with me first. I was crushed. I felt as if all of my bones had been simultaneously snapped in half. I just recently met The Whore in person. I confronted her (not my best idea) and cussed her out. I had planned in my mind what I would say to her if I ever met her for so long, but I could barely choke a few words out when the moment came. When I saw her I had a major panic attack. I feel guilty, now, for calling her what I did. “Slut”, “Whore”, even though she undoubtedly deserves it. She was well aware he was taken. I don’t believe I’ll ever understand why I have so much anger towards her, she wasn’t the initiator. I’m back with my boyfriend, now of two years. I told my friends that he had cheated on me and even his friends took my side. I somewhat regret that as now that we are together again my friends can’t stand him. I thought it was intriguing how your husband’s father was a cheater as well. My boyfriend’s mother has a large history of cheating. I wish that I could blame it on parental influence alone. – Best regards, your biggest fan ❤
Wow, I don’t know what to say. I’m glad you found me. This really is the most soul-destroying experience anyone could suffer. I’m so happy to hear you told that bitch what a whore she was! I’m curious…If you don’t have children, why did you stay with him? Parental cheating is why the children are more likely to cheat. I hope my kids never find out. SWxo
I decided to stay because our relationship has made me a better person. I have grown and really become who I wanted to be because of him. Just because he decided to throw away our relationship doesn’t mean I have to. He regrets what he did and is willing to try and salvage what we have left. The cheating damaged our relationship as a whole but I feel it has made us stronger as friends. We’re now trying harder to be there for each other and to be honest about everything. I hope that someday it really will get easier and we can put the cheating behind us. If/when we do have children, I wouldn’t even consider telling them about this. I can’t stand people who willingly involve themselves with taken people. I hope that my children never get cheated on nor cheat, but it isn’t a perfect world.
I’ve been married for 3 years now. I thought things were fine as far as both of us being faithful, until this past weekend. My husband decided to go out with his friends, which I’m fine with because I go out with my girls too. He came home super drunk and past out a little after he got home. Something in my gut told me to check his phone, I never do, but that night something just told me too. When I checked sure enough was texts messages from a girl. He was telling that he missed her kisses and so on. I went to confront him about him and said that it was No One! I didn’t believe him of course and sent the girl’s number to my phone. I called her and texted her, then she finally replies. She told me everything that happened. That this affair happened almost a year ago. They were co-workers at the time. They both pursued each other, but not once did he mention he was married, he just said he was with someone. She at the time had a serious boyfriend. They ended up texting and one night had sex at the parking of their work… And had sex again a week or 2 weeks later. That same morning I went over to a friend’s house to talk to her about all of this. Came home later on and he wanted to talk about it. I was devastated by all of this. He lied again and said he only kissed her, but he later confessed what she told me. I asked him to move all of his things to the other room and told him that I couldn’t forget this. He’s been crying and saying how sorry he is and a lot more things, like he’s ashamed, and that he is happy I caught him doing this. Now that he sees how hurt I am, now he’s saying that if it takes him a lifetime, he will do whatever it takes to make things right! I don’t know what to believe. Right now I feel like I’m the only one going through this. Please help! Tips on what I can do to help me heal! I’m looking into seeing a therapist, but I’m sure they won’t tell me what to do. Please help, a truly hurt wife!
So sorry for your pain and so sorry you find yourself on this site. I am so sorry for the second you read that message and your world change and moved to this scary place. I wish you live and strenght x
Dear trulyhurtwife, I am 2 years past D-day, one word of advice don’t make any rash decisions, when you first find out the anger & hurt are still too raw! My husband & I are still together, I still have bad days, but time does help ease some of the utter devastation I know you are feeling right now! I’m so sorry this happened to you but you landed on a good blog, Shattered is a wonderful compassionate lady, you will be in good hands! Hang in there, hugs from Joan
Hello. I just ran across this website and I am so grateful that there is a place that woman can to share their thoughts openly. I have had so many thoughts about my marriage and whether or not I am doing the right thing. I am married to my college sweetheart. We have known each other for 15 years, been married for 9 and we have 2 beautiful children. Prior to our marriage, my husband cheated on me while we were in college. I found out and I chose to forgive him and we worked through it. Immediately before we got married, my husband and I had a full disclosure conversation and at that time, he let me know that he cheated on me again during our engagement. He said he did it because he knew it was the last time that he would ever be with another woman. I also revealed that I had stepped out on him about a year prior to his proposal. I did not engage in sex but I did kiss and fondle with another man. I think I did it because I was still hurt from the first time he cheated on me and I wanted to in some way get him back or make him hurt the way I did. The first two years of our marriage were fantastic. We got pregnant our 2nd year of marriage. I use to be his going out partner but when I got pregnant the first time, my husband continued to go out while I stayed stuck at home. I didn’t like this but I never expressed it because I didn’t want him to feel restricted. We had our 1st child during the third year of marriage. About 18 months after our 1st child was born, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me since I was 4 months pregnant. This destroyed me. I thought about leaving and I thought our marriage was over. My husband begged me to stay and he expressed remorse for his actions. We decided to get help and try to work through it. We went through marriage counseling and unraveled some deep underlining issues that we had that related to my husband feeling like I was more focused on the kids and how the house looked versus caring for our marriage. He described me more as a functional wife. The bottom line was that the picture of our family looked great and we were well put together but there was a cost in which he felt I neglected him. Again, we worked through it and honestly things got better. We actually were better then we were before the infidelity and we became more transparent with each other. We got pregnant with our 2nd child and the 2nd pregnancy was better than the first. My husband asked me what he could do to make the 2nd pregnancy better. I asked him to “sit the bench” with me which meant no going out all the time while I was pregnant. He did this for me. While I was home on maternity leave with our 2nd child, I found out that he was still talking with the woman that he cheated with during our first pregnancy. My husband and she both told me that they only talked but never slept together again after the first encounter. In my eyes my husband broke the rules that we put in place after his infidelity which was to never speak with her again and he did. It made me feel that he was willing to risk losing me and our marriage for this woman. What was so great about her? We went back to counseling. That was over three years ago. Today, things seem good. We get along well and we communicate a lot. We have truth talks and we both talk about what we like or dislike in regards to what is going on in our lives/marriage. My husband will talk about the infidelity and he discloses what ever I ask him but I can tell he is still uncomfortable when we talk about it or talk about cheating in general. One thing that I have not shared with my husband is that I still wonder from time to time if he thinks about her during sex or if he thinks her sex was better then sex with me. It creates a lot of insecurities for me and I start to wonder all over again if he is cheating or not. I have resisted digging into this to find out. I have told myself that if I catch him cheating again that I am leaving. I honestly don’t know if I am strong enough to leave and maybe that is why I don’t want to dig any further because I am scared of what I may find out.
Also, I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want it to set us back on the progress we have made. My question is….after all this do you believe that my husband can stop cheating?
No, I’m sorry, but I don’t believe he can. His history alone will tell you that. I’m sorry, but you have set yourself up for a lifetime of pain. SWxo
I found out on October 21, 2014 that my husband had an affair early this year. I found emails sent to her stating that he loved her and she was his best friend and was his purpose in life. These emails were dated February of this year. She was an older married woman. Someone that we hung out with a couple of times. She was the sister in law of one of our friends. I had my suspicions because he would always make comments like “I feel like I can relate to her”. He would throw her name out at the most random times. I never thought anything of it because I have been married to him for 10 years and was with him for 3 years before. We have always had a very trusting and stable marriage to the point where we would dance with other people when we would go out but we always knew what the line was. Well I never thought he would cross the line.
In September he was suppose to go on a business trip and when I asked him flight info he got really defensive. That raised my suspicions so I decided to ask a friend of mine to help me and I followed him. Instead of ending up at the airport he was in a complete different area. Unfortunately I lost him so I was unable to see what he was going to do. I ended up calling him and he swears even to this day that he was planning an evening with me and it was for our 10 year anniversary. Our 10 year had passed but he claims he was trying to surprise me and plan a romantic evening. I still don’t know if I believe his story cause there were so many holes on his story and I asked him why would you plan an overnight trip and say it’s from work when you didn’t have to come up with such a bogus story to plan a romantic evening.
Needless to say it got my guard up. I told him since he had lied that I would have access his phone at all times. His phone was a sore subject. It was a company phone so I had no access to his bill. He also was constantly on the phone texting. His work did demand him to work from his phone however, I felt that in the last year it had gotten a lot worse. He would stay up late and watch TV and I would come downstairs and would just be on the phone texting away. And if I would ask he would always state that it was work. He had a production team that had 3 shifts that work 24 hours reporting to him. And again I would never question.
Anyways, back to the phone. One night at around 3 in the morning I unlocked his phone since that was an agreement we had with each other that I wpols have access to his phone. I went through his phone and didn’t find anything. However, I decided to look in his maps and there was a number in there. It didn’t have a name attached to it. I did a web search on that number and it came up under her name. I was shocked. I didn’t know he was in contact with her other then when we hung out with her a couple of times. I woke him up and got crazy on him. He stated that since she was a lender that he called her to find out about refinancing our rentals. I told him that he never told me that he reached out to her or never once mentioned to me that he had been in contact with her other then the times we all hung out together. We talked all night and at the end he made it sound like I was losing my mind and that she was just a contact. I told him to come clean with me if there was something else going on. But he told me there was nothing else going on. She was just a contact.
A couple of days later I remembered that he had another email address that he used for fantasy football but he never really used it supposedly. When I was looking into his phone in his notes he had written the password since he had such a bad memory. Well I didn’t know the actual email address. So I called my cousin who was in the fantasy football league and got the actual email. I logged in and started to go through his emails. In the beginning I didn’t find much. But then I looked at email addresses. I found her email address that auto filled in the to part. What was weird was that it was her first name but a weird last name that wasn’t her maiden last name or her married last name. So then I went on FB and looked at her friends. It was a uncommon last name and it showed up with some of her friends. So I knew it was her. But I also knew if I didn’t play my cards right my husband will come up with some BS story. So I casually called him and told him that I went through his fantasy football email. I told him that I found this email address. I asked him who it was. He said it was hers and the reason why he had it was because he had emailed her from that account in regards to the house. I told him that was bull crap because he always used his work email and why would he use this email address if there was nothing to hide. He even would email me dirty stuff from his work email and he never worried about his company coming down on him. So I told him it was BS! While I was talking to him and we were arguing I got to his sent emails and I was on my phone. When I scrolled all the way to the bottom 2 emails loaded up that were sent. One was a simple I love you and the other one was a makeup email. They must have argued and fought cause it said I am sorry and stated how he loved her and that she was everything to him. At that moment my world came crashing down. I cussed him out and then hung up. I told him I found the emails that he sent to her and he couldn’t deny them. They were addressed to her. He even tried to tell me that they were to me. I told him to F off and hung up. I was shaking to the point where I couldn’t drive. I composed myself and went to my office. Next thing I know he shows up at my work. I got off work and we talked.
So we talked and basically the gist:
– he became friends with her and had a lot in common with her.
– she was having some problems in her marriage and he started to help her on how to fix it.
– he felt that while they became good friends he felt that he started to develop feeling for her. Which is the emails that I found.
– however, they both talked about it a couple of weeks later from that email that they were not going to pursue anything since they both were married and with kids and that it was more of a mutual friendship where they gave each other advice.
– they never were physical with each other, other then a hug.
– and he was just talking to her now as a friend and that was it.
– he wanted to tell me about their friendship but felt that I never reacted well to her name being thrown out so was a little intimidated about telling me.
At that point I didn’t believe anything he was telling me. I didn’t believe that it was just a friendship. I didn’t believe that he didn’t sleep with her. Nothing was making sense.
It’s been 2 months and we are still taking it a day at a time. I have my good days and my bad days. I don’t know of I have gotten the full story or not. I had gotten to the point of hiring a PI to follow him around and then stopped realizing that wasn’t going to fix anything. I don’t believe anything he tells me. I had even put a voice recorder in his car so I can hear any convo’s which he discovered. I still have so many questions.
He has been the most apologetic. He is owning up to his mistake and wants to work on things. He’s trying to rebuild his trust. He sends me pics of wherever he is and now he’s always with me. He had started a new job that right now is less demanding as his last job. He isn’t always on the phone. I am trying to get over this hurt but it’s so hard. I have nightmares where I wake up shaking. I hate her with the passion. The biggest thing that gets me is that we hung out several times after the email was sent and I feel like I was made a fool cause me and her would always get drunk together and have a good time together since we are both outgoing.
We have a 5 year old and 2.5 year old. They are both my life and I will do anything for them. He is a good father and sometimes think he just wants to be together for the kids. But then I think either he’s a good actor cause he’s also being very devoting to me as well. He knows he messed up and wants to do everything in his power to fix it. I am just trying to go through the emotions and the roller coaster of emotions.
I found your blog and read through it. It really has me relate to you. It seemed like the affair was very similar to mine. Your emotions, what you went through and what you are going through is so much like mine. I have thought maybe I am not normal. Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But when I read your blog I was relieved that what I am feeling is normal. I have stated to talk to a shrink and next week will be the first time we are going in together. We will see what happens and I hope that we get through this and am able to celebrate our 20 year anniversary.
My biggest fear right now is that he doesn’t continue this affair. I am scared that the emotional affair will pull him back. Even though we have talked about how we are going to share everything with each other. And be emotionally supportive with each other. He swears up and down that there was nothing about me that made him have the affair. He wasn’t looking for anything and it just kind of happened and he got a reality check that he thought he had feelings for her but realized the feelings weren’t real cause he wasn’t going to give up his family for this.
I even sent him the link for this blog cause I want him to read it and see that I am not alone.
Thank you for sharing your blog. It has made me realize that I am not alone.
Thank you for your reply. Like you, your blog let me know that I am not alone. I am going through the emotional roller coaster too. My husband has been good at letting me know where he is. He actually goes to the extent of forwarding me the invites for off-site business meetings that he gets invited to and he asks me if it is okay for him to go. Plus when he gets there, he calls me and makes sure I hear who is in the background to confirm he is where he said he is. When we went through counseling, the Counselor let us know that there would be some difficult times, but if we were both willing to do the work that our marriage was salvageable. The Counselor also let my husband know that I had the right to invade his privacy due to his infidelity and that he would have to over compensate on communicating what he doing and who he is with until I felt comfortable again with trusting him on this level. I trust him a little more but I am still not out of the woods. I haven’t seen anything in the last 3 years that makes me question if he is talking with her again. But when I look back over all that has happened it makes it hard for me to believe that he won’t do it again. I am trying not to live in the past and focus on the process we have made while continuing to build our relationship towards a healthy future.
In your situation, it sounds like you chose to stay. It also sounds like your husband is willing to do the work with you which is a plus. I pray that your union is blessed and that you and your husband are given the strength to get through this and the two of you come out even better than you were before. What I have learned is that my husband and I have had to get past those barriers that prevented us from being 100% truthful. For example, telling each other how we feel when we know it may hurt the other person’s feelings. The difference now is that we bring up these things only in the interest of bettering our love and relationship and not for the sake of a defense. We have learned to focus on the motive behind our statements. Being more truthful has allowed us to attack our underlying issues head-on versus stepping around them.
Keep your head up Lady!!
I came across your blog quite by accident two hours ago and I’m still reading posts. You struck a dormant cord. It wasn’t an affair as such, it was a renewal of a long ago love via the wonders of facebook. Facebook turned into emails and he choose to tell me of his reunited friendship when I my world was in a low and extremely vulnerable place. It was his ego I think, his ‘wow she really was stuck on me, fancied my undies off, ego. He’s only ever loved two women in his life, she was the other. They drifted apart when he went on a sabitical overseas, that was 34 years ago. I’m a pretty realistic character, have a strong sense of self worth but in my vulnerable place I felt my heart shatter into a gazillion pieces. After 29 years of married bliss i know this man possibly more than he knows himself, so I know the effect her “I never got over you’ confession had on him. I could have cracked his head swollen skull with my rolling pin. I wanted to punch that self satisfied smug expression he wore to a bloody pulp. There was no physical, but there was emotion and it hurt like I never expected it would. I admire you enormously for sticking with it, had my husbands been physical I don’t think I could have.
Kia kaha
I understand how much it hurts, my husbands affair was physical, but emotional would hurt just as much. Good luck, I think it may help a little bit that you have not got a video going around and around in your head if them having sex, that is horrible – my video is still going on 9 months later!- I wish a you good recovery , any betrayal is so very hard x
Shattered~ How do I start this, a blog? 25 years married, 28 together (that whores age at the time), anniversary of my mom’s death. 6 years now~The pain is still so very deep and drowning. Writing all this down, maybe just paragraph after paragraph, non-stop, no grammar check, just writing will have a healing property. I don,t know. I tired just on paper, fear of my son finding it and knowing ALL the ugly truth, not just some of it was a risk. Few know, I am so ashamed.. there is so much to say. It was sexual, he did have to quit his job. 32 years law enforcement. There is so much to say and express.
Who had the affair, you or your husband? You can start a blog by going to wordpress.com and follow the prompts. It’s fairly straight-forward, good luck. SWxo
Looking forward to your next post. I have found a lot of comfort in them thru the ups and downs.
Thanks, CT. I know I haven’t written in a while. I have three young children, I squeeze writing in between everything! : ) SWxo
Hi, I stumbled across your blog yesterday evening, and I read my way through your posts. Needless to say I was in a sour mood afterwards. I can’t relate, I’ve never been there, but I’ve seen people go through what you and many ladies on this comment thread have gone through. I think what I always ask myself (no judgement on my part) is: why stay?
Maybe it is easy for me to say I would never stay in a broken relationship. I can’t fathom being with someone I can no longer trust. Maybe I just hold grudges and I know it will always be there in the back of my mind, taunting me…making me mad, miserable and resentful. But I’m not in your place and haven’t been, so it is easy to say one thing, but who knows.
All l want to tell you and every person who feels this way and has and is going through this, is that you are worth being loved 100% and you deserve loyalty, happiness and peace of mind, And our happiness will be our children’s happiness, For their sake, they wouldn’t want their parents unhappy.
You are courageous and beautiful. May the universe bless you and give you strength and the solace you are looking for.
Than you. I’m a “broken” woman and it just going on about 2 months now..I’m so shattered. I can barely take care of my FOUR kids- 6 and under. Basically two sets of Irish twins. Is so hard. It’s so heartbreaking its so sous crushing and so faith crushing. I have read that even people with terminal illnesses would rather go through that than an affair. I believe it. But for me, I have always been a stay at home Mom and he makes all the money and good money. My other.option is my parents and do I really want to be married to.my Mom or my cheating Husband??? I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo conflicted. But thnk u for the words of.encouragement,.sincerely.
Shattered wife, I think I have a similar story like yours. I never ever thought my husband would cheating on me either, and he said there wasn’t any sex or even a kiss, just email, text and sext, but it still hurt like hell.
It sure does, I struggle with it every day. How are you coping? SWxo
Just crying my heart out almost everyday, my husband thinks I over reacted because there was no sex, he said he was never physically attractive to her, since she is a fat,ugly whore.
It makes no difference if he fucked her or not. Did he keep her a secret from you? Did he lie to you to spend time with her? That’s an affair! It’s an emotional affair – tell him to look it up. The effect it has on you is the same. Don’t let him downplay your pain. HE IS IN THE WRONG! Do you have children? SWxo
Sorry, I have to change the name to sad face. That fat,ugly whore approached him first.
Does he work with her? SWxo
Yes, they were co workers, not anymore. At first, they just chatted innocently about work, and then she wanted some advice from my husband about her problem with her husband, so they email back and forth about that, then one day she wrote a letter to my husband said she think she is felling for him.WTF
She sounds like an idiot. How did you discover their relationship? SWxo
I have 2 kids, and the whore also have 2 kids. Out of so many coworkers of my husband, I would never guessed she would be the one ruined my life. She seems very nice, not attractive even a bit, very quiet.
You can never tell, can you. How long did the affair last and how did you find out? SWxo
My husband and I had no secret, we know each others everything, the password of the bank account, the phone code… We even use the same Facebook account. In the beginning of last year, they started to text each other on face book, it was nothing bad, but lots of texting between them, so in April, I told my husband to stop texting her, so he did. I thought everything is fine. Time fast forward, one day in early November after he got off work, and went upstairs to the computer, I was cooking in the kitchen, somehow there was a guts feeling come to me that he was texting her, so I checked the Facebook, yes, they were chatting, but I was so busy, so I didn’t see what were they talking about. At night I asked my husband why is he texting her again, he said she email her to his work in August said she and her husband were separated, she was so sad, so my husband give her some advice actually brought them back together. He said the reason he did tell me because he didn’t want me to misunderstood them. I said its OK if you wanted to help her. So they started chatted on Facebook again, but very little and nothing made me suspicious (I was so stupid or too trusty). Deep in my heart, i know something is not right, cause he was checking in the mirror to often, and exercise like crazy November 24th, D day! After dinner, we were watching TV, I said there was nothing on TV, I’m going to the basement to finish my puzzle. So I went to the basement and brought my cell o phone with me, after 5 minutes I logged on to Facebook of course they are chatting already, but I just couldn’t believe my eyes about what were they chatting, the whore said you should listen to a song. My husband: which song? Whore: the song is I WANT YOU YO FEEL MY..My husband: will you let me? They chat the same time my husband was deleted everything, that’s why I saw nothing suspicious earlier. I couldn’t bare to watch anymore, so I ran upstairs, he must heart my foot steps and change the chat to slot machine games, as I walked in, he said sweety, done your puzzles already? I said: hi honey, you know what? Fuck you!!
He said it only became inappropriate chatting around middle of September, he said she gave her lots of compliments everyday, and ask his advice for everything, that make him feel good and important, strike his ego.
He said he has no feelings for her, just because all those nice words from her make him feel good. We decide to stay together, I still love him very much and he said he only loves me too. But sometimes I doubt it, how can you hurt someone you love like this. This hurt feeling is eating me alive. My friend said if her husband is cheating she wouldn’t even shed a tear, she would just take all his money and divorce him, why can’t I be like that?
We ALL say we’d leave our husbands if they ever cheated on us, but reality is different, isn’t it? Your friend can say whatever she wants, the truth is none of us have any idea what we’d do unless we find ourselves in that position. Ignore unhelpful people and their ignorant advice. SWxo
So true, I think he is regrets for what he did, so I’m going to give him another chance. We’ve been married for 20 years, he’s a very very good husband to me.
I wish you well. This can be a difficult obstacle to overcome, as you’ve probably already seen reading this and other blogs. I wish you strength. You are welcome here any time. SWxo
Thank you very much. I think the hardest thing for me to overcome is I caught him instead of he stopped himself, that makes me wondering what would happen between them if I didn’t found out until a year or two later, would he still say he only loves me?
Yes, I often the wonder the same thing about my own husband. Would it still be going on today if I hadn’t busted him? I can speculate all I like but I guess I’ll never know. SWxo
Did you confronted the whore at all? I didn’t, I don’t know why, maybe I just want her to think she meant nothing to me, she doesn’t even deserve my time.
I didn’t know her. He met her online using a dating app. He cut it off with her after I busted him. SWxo
Sad face, Shattered is right no one who hasn’t been in this situation knows what they would do. I always told everyone if my husband ever cheated I would leave him, fast forward, it happened & 2 1/2 years later I’m still here! Follow your heart, I wish you the best. XO Joan
I found something weird about men. Before I found out my husband had an emotional affair with the whore, I asked him why they text each other all the time, he said” we are just friend, but I think we have connections, we have so much in common, I really like her.” But after everything came out until today, every time we talked about her, he would say things like” l don’t even know why I talked to her that much, she is so fat and ugly” ” there was never physical attraction there, have you seen her ? she is gross” ” don’t worry, she is just an uneducated, scum trash “. when I heard that, I wasn’t really happy, I kind of felt bad for that whore. From the e-mail she wrote to him, she think the world of him. If she only knew what he said about her after. Poor whores out there. I read the emails between them, he never said anything bad about me, is that means he really loves me? I still doubt it.
Hello, yes I do believe your husband loves you. My husband talks horrible about the bitch he was with too. His story is totally different she coerced him into doing things he didn’t want to and manipulated him. she even threatened to slash his tires and do something to our kids. this bitch was crazy but she thinks she’s the shit and has a better body than me and is better at sex than me, well guess what if she only knew what my husband says about her. Deep down I know my husband loves me and I’m sure yours does too, sometimes the answer to why they did this to us is IDK. their stupid and thoughtless when it comes to someone seducing them, but if they love us and regret wholeheartedly what they have done to us I’m more than positive that our marriage can be a stronger and better marriage than before. Have faith and much love to you and yours.
If our husbands ever loved us and feared losing us they would not have fucked whores. Cold hard truth
Love is bullshit, an erect cock has i concience, they are all arsehioles
Not a husband on the planet that would not cheat
Variety, we are old hat, boring
New is exciting
Lengthy post to follow. My apologies in advance.
Similar, but different circumstances… Me – previously married for over 5 years and with him for 8. He “fell out of love with me”, waiting 2.5 years to tell me. I fought for the marriage for a year, during which time he reunited with one of only two other women he had ever been intimate with. I found out about the affair 2 weeks before the divorce was final.
Fast forward 7.5 years. I had finally made peace with myself, the past, and being single. I was happy and content. I had not dated anyone for more than two dates since my divorce.
Late summer of 2014, a divorced male coworker starts making it known he is interested in me. I had worked with him for over 3 months at the time. He had a good work ethic and reputation at work (at least that I was aware of). Coworkers from another department encouraged me to go out with him and even approached him (without my consent or knowledge) and told him he should ask me out. We continued building a work friendship and a little over two months later started talking outside of work.
I thought I had done my due diligence by asking him if he’d ever dated anyone at our workplace (he’d worked there 3 months longer than me), how long it had been since his divorce, how many people he had dated in that time frame, and how long it had been since his last relationship.
I verbally vomited all the crap of my past to him in a late night phone call after work shortly after we began talking outside of work. I was hoping that if I was real and authentic in this relationship, he would be real too or he would decide what I had been through was not something he wanted a part of.
The relationship evolved more quickly than any other I had been in and infinitely faster than the timelines I thought I would use in a serious relationship post divorce/post recovery from cheating.
He told me he loved me 6 weeks into the relationship, said he intended to grow old with me the next night, and asked me to build a life with him the following night. He then asked me to marry him when the time was right and unofficially proposed marriage two other times. He teased me about having a diamond ring in my stocking at Christmas. We perused rings online, picking out his wedding band and I gave him ideas of what I wanted (which was NOT a diamond).
Red flag #1 happened the week of Christmas when I see a text pop up on his phone from someone named Red. The text said, “So what do you have planned for us?”. I opened his text messages and they were making plans to do something on Christmas Eve while I would be at work. I looked at photo albums in his phone and found two pictures of grossly overweight unattractive women, but saw none of our pictures or pictures of me. He had a seemingly plausible explanation for Red, stating she was a friend, blah, blah, blah. Mind you I had known him 6 months at this point and we had been dating for 6 weeks and never had he mentioned any female friends to me.He stood there and let me look at this phone, but that was the one and only time I did it in front of him, because he later told me his phone was a sensitive subject, because that was how he found out his ex-wife cheated. He said I didn’t look in the proper album to see our pics. My concerns about him possibly cheating on me were met with him telling me I had trust issues and him saying he was not my ex. He said just because some guys cheat doesn’t mean all guys cheat. He was adamant throughout our relationship that he doesn’t cheat and he doesn’t lie. He tells he won’t see Red out of respect for me. I start counseling 2 days later to help me deal with my “trust issues”.
Red flag #2 came first week of January when I stopped by unannounced after a misunderstanding during a phone call. When I came in he had a chat window up with another woman’s picture in it. It was a Yahoo account and he had only shared a gmail account with me. He asked what was up. I said I came by to chat about the misunderstanding, but I guess it doesn’t matter since you have a chat window open with another woman on your computer. He said the woman was a married mother who he had met through an internet chat room years ago and who he spoke to for advice about his 11 yo daughter, since he was not a woman. He said they’d never met in person. I believed this seemingly plausible explanation. >Color me FOOLISH<
We went out that day and had a great afternoon and evening together. It was probably the most fun day of our relationship together.
Later that month I meet his daughter for the first time and we start spending time together when he had her. I fell hard for this seemingly sweet, adorable young lady. I also pass up the opportunity to interview for a job out of state, because we are planning a future together.
Feb 2015 we talk about promise rings, a time frame for engagement, and a date for our wedding. A few days later his dog of 12 years dies. He is understandably an emotional mess, but keeps me at arm's length. We finally see each other outside of work two nights after his dog dies. He is distant and weird which I attest to his grief. Valentine's Day is that weekend. He tells me he is not feeling very lovey, but we still make plans to spend time together with his daughter who he has that weekend. Normally on Saturdays he text messages me to say hello sometime between 10 & 11. This day he did not. I had not heard from him by noon, so I finally sent a text message to him saying that I hoped he and his daughter were having a good day. He replied back that they were out in the snow running errands. He did not say, "I love you" or "Happy Valentine's Day". We texted off and on that afternoon. The prior Saturdays he had had his daughter, he would stop by my part-time job with her. This day he did not. After work, I went to church to hear a friend speak and broke down crying talking to two of my girlfriends. I told them that I felt like something was off, that pieces of me were being chipped away in this relationship, and that I was losing happy, confident me and my smile. My friends encouraged me not to give up and to try to understand his grief.
That evening I went over and we exchanged Valentine's Day gifts. I had gotten something for his daughter and something for him. We played games together and had a seemingly nice evening. At the end of the night when I went to leave, I said, "What do you say to your girlfriend on Valentine's Day?". He said, "I love you." and I said, "I love you too!" I told him I would be available to spend time with he and his daughter the next day if he wanted.
Sunday he was very quiet. I didn't hear from him until late afternoon again when he sent text that he was having a busy day and was at his Aunt's. I told him they were welcome to stop by, but he said they had ridden with his dad. We texted briefly later in the afternoon about issues I was having with my phone. I didn't hear from him at all until I called him at 9 that night, He was testy with me stating he had been busy with his daughter. I asked, somewhat perplexed, if I wasn't allowed to call when she was there. He said I was. We chatted for a bit and he said he would call me back after she went to bed, which he later did. While we were talking I mentioned that it had bothered me that he had not said I love you or Happy Valentine's Day in texts the day before. He replied that he told me he wasn't feeling all that lovey and then shortly thereafter got off the phone.
We had previously talked about the 5 Love Languages and I had told him mine, but decided to take the quiz as part of a couple, since I had only taken it as a single person before. I forwarded him my results and said if he wanted to take the test and share his, so I could better understand him, then do so.
Monday morning rolls around and I text him that I hoped he and his daughter were having a good morning. He texted back to say she was already gone due to weather that was coming in. (His father helps him with the custody pick ups and drop offs due to his 2nd shift work schedule.) I told him to enjoy his longer than expected quiet morning. His response was, "You have something to say, say it." I replied back, "What?" He did not respond, so I eventually called him. He was agitated about the 5 Love Languages quiz and told me thought I was going on another "rampage" about Valentine's Day. We talked for a bit longer and I asked,"Do you have something to say?" He said, "Yes, this is going to sound crazy, but losing Midnight changed me and I just want to be alone."
We officially broke up that night, exactly 2 months to the day from his first unofficial proposal. We continued talking and texting and were friendly at work. We had flirty, suggestive text conversations and I still saw him outside of work, just not as frequently.
Red Flag #3: 1st week of March I stop by and there is an a second vehicle in his driveway that I do not recognize. I have to use the restroom and since part of me wants to know what is going on, I go up and knock on the door. He lets me in and there is another woman sitting on his couch. I ask to use the restroom, do so, come out and introduce myself to her. I tell him I had just stopped by to chat and that I didn't realize he had company. I tell them to have a good night. He calls me later with yet another plausible, seemingly believable explanation about how she's the girlfriend of a friend of his from high school. He said that she and the boyfriend had a fight and she came by to talk my former boyfriend about the issue.
I was trying to give him space and time to work through his grief. After nearly one month had passed, I gave him a multi-page brain dump letter sharing my thoughts and feelings from that time and about our relationship. He seemed excited to receive the letter and the next day he initiated texting with a picture message of himself with the best smile I had seen since his dog died. He had shaved his head too which was something I mentioned I liked in the letter. I went out of town that day to meet up with my best friend. He proceeded to text me the entire day until 0230 the next morning. My best friend was very hopeful stating she thought we were going to get back together.
The fun, flirty messages continued throughout the week and I went to his house once later in the week. Two nights later he called me from work to say he thought we should just be work friends, that there was no chance of reconciliation, and that he was talking to someone he had known for "several years", but it was just talk.
(To be continued)
(Continued)
Fast forward a couple of weeks and while I was struggling emotionally with the breakup and the loss of our future together, I was improving each day. Then I overhear a comment at work that leads me to believe he was seeing someone else from there at the same time as me.
I later arrange a meeting with this woman which ends up being a phone conversation outside of work. She was very candid, warm, and kind, confirming for me that we were seeing him at the same time. She did not know of me and I did not know of her. He was seeing her the entire time he was pursuing me. She broke up with him shortly after we began seeing each other outside of work. The day he and I started talking outside of work, he and she had gone looking at engagement rings together. 17 days later he stopped by my part-time job with his daughter who had met and spent time with the other woman, and knew that they were supposed to get married. Thankfully I was not there that day, because how much more confusing would that have been for his daughter? He texted the other woman on Thanksgiving, the day after our first out in public date {but not our first date}, to tell her he loved her and missed her. He sent her another message telling her how good she looked for a media appearance for work in the middle of March.
Since then I have learned that he was seeing/sleeping/involved with or speaking to at least seven other women who either overlapped and/or coincided with our relationship. He was seeing at least 4 of us simultaneously since February and at least three of us simultaneously earlier in our relationship.
Once he found out I had a conversation with the other woman due to her emailing me and cc’ing him that she would like no further contact, that she has moved on from him and hoped I would too, and that we needed to come to an understanding that did not involve her, he got upset and made a credible specific threat against his own life to me at work. I was concerned enough by his demeanor to report his threat to his supervisor. Since our departments work closely together, I then felt like I had to tell my supervisor what was occurring. It has become a real shit show since. HR and Legal are involved, though I do not know why Legal is. HR lied to me about who called the meeting and they seemed to have already made a decision to side with him in whatever it is they’re investigating. We did not violate policy by dating. I am curious to see what comes of this for me workwise.
I am disheartened and disgusted by his actions and disappointed in myself for believing him and his lies and believing in “us”.
This seems more damaging emotionally than my divorce. At least part of what I shared with my ex-husband was real and genuine. The only things I know to be true from this relationship are that he goes after what he wants, he will never have the simple life he wants, and his dog died.
How do I move forward from this? Between the two great betrayals and reading the many stories here, how can I ever trust someone again? Are there any trustworthy, honest, faithful, monogamous men left in this world?
Dear usedbyjc , I am scared to read on, you poor babe. I really hope this has a better outcome than I sm imagining.
It must be so hard to put your heart out there again
I hope you take care of your heart
Take care
Usedbyjc omg I read on (to be continued) what a prick! I am so sorry for your pain, red flags are good but you always like to see the good in people. I am very sure not every man is a cheat. You were so brave to put yourself out there again, how very unlucky to meet such a prick. So sorry for your pain xx
Amanda, how are you doing as your jail date approaches? SWxo
Thank you Amanda.
The woman that was at his house at the beginning of March is yet another woman from our rather large workplace. He was involved with her while stringing me along making me think we were going to get back together. Plus he had started dating another employee from yet another department while we were still together in February. And I hear he is involved in a mutually agreed upon open sexual relationship with yet another woman from yet another department. That relationship has been ongoing since last summer.
I wonder if I didn’t hear or see as much from him Valentine’s weekend because he was busy doing Valentine’s with some of the other women? With his 11 yo daughter in tow!! It’s no wonder the child does not respect her mother when he treats women the way he does.
I want to warn these other women, but don’t know how to go about it especially since there is already an investigation at work.
The depth and breadth of his deceit is mind boggling and I will never know all the details.
I am just flabbergasted by it all and SO, SO disappointed in myself for being so foolish as to believe the lies.
He told me and the other woman that overlapped at the beginning of the relationship that we, individually, were his soul mate. I have a Christmas card from him that says just as much.
Mind fucked, that’s me for sure. All of this makes me doubt myself, my judgement, my ability to read a situation, and that there are good, kind, decent people left in this world.
Oh and get his rich response when he found out I knew about the other woman from the beginning; he said, “Thanks for adding to my week.” I incredulously repeated that to him while thinking, “What about the last five months of my life?”
And the next thing was a text asking me how I even got her name.
Why would he choose me to do this with when our departments work so closely together on a daily basis?
Did he really think that I would not find out about the other women?
Every time I make some forward progress in healing, something else comes to light and I get knocked back. There have been some VERY dark moments for me in all this.
Thanks SW I will let you know in the next few days, thanks for asking x
Wow!!!!!!! Im so fucking gone serious…I love and want to to become lesbos’s (no offense to lesbian whatsoever)!!! Please *cum* and rescue me from my horror?! My D-day was just about 3 months ago and I’m trying BUT I fucking HATE my “husband” and he wants me and expwcrs me to “move foward” him..like he trying “for us to move forward” but everyday I want to fucking die. And I feel like I’m dying a verrrrryyyyyy sllllllooooowwww painful death trying to move on. I loved this man to no end. His affair happened when I had a 6yr old, 5yr old, 12 months old AND was 8 months pregnant….with the office whore. HOW IN THE FUCK DO I EVEN COMPREHEND THIS???? He says it lasted two months and the I FOUGHT FOR HIM FOR A FEW WEEKS. And now I have him and feel like complete. Shit. How do I go on?? He too said he “chose me” that he “loves me” that he “will never let anyone, or anything g including himself get in the way of what’s important”. Can I believe this…can I trust this????? HELP.ME.PLEASE BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCKING DIE EVERYDAY. I know I have to deal on my own,.I dont have a huge support system and what I thought I was the Christian Wife I want to shit on now. I built this fake life and put my trust in God since the first of our four was born almost 7 years ago. Now all I have is people telling me to pray about it and I live in a mountain community, a rural community but didn’t come from here. My “husband” says I’ll kill us if we move back to where we came from and where my family is. Which I believe is where my support system is. But he and my family never got along from the beginning and now this and they hate him and vise versa. I FEEL SOOOOOOO STUCK I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO….I drink everyday and that’s not me normally. I just don’t know how to cope =(
Oh Melissa, you are in a world of pain. Who the hell knows what goes through our husbands’ heads when they embark on an affair. AND WHILE YOU WERE PREGNANT, UGH. What a schmuck. How old is your husband and how old was the whore? Pathetic losers. How did you discover it? I can tell you this: 3 months is early days. You will feel like you want to die EVERY DAY. Just fight it. Fight it with everything you still have. Forget all the Christian wife shit – it’s designed to make YOU feel guilty and serves no purpose. Your only mission right now is to do whatever you can to look after your little ones. They have no one else. You are their world. You need at least 18 months to get through the worst of it. You must feel so incredibly alone. I send you love and strength and hope you feel comfortable coming here for solace, advice, or whatever you need. SWxo
Just came across your blog. Small difference from your story. I’m a bloke. My wife had the “emotional affair” (that, surprise surprise) turned out to be quite physical too.
When your spouse has an affair, if fucks with your mind. I’m 5 months after D-day now.
Hey Mark, I’m sorry you find yourself here. How long were you and your wife together before the affair? How did you discover it? I can tell you with great confidence that 5 months post D-Day is very VERY early days. Are you two still together? I don’t know a lot from the male perspective, so thank you for stopping to write a comment. SWxo
It certainly dose f&$k with your mind, your whole life!
Today I came across your blog. Thank goodness I did!
My husband & I have been together for 41 years; married for 39 of those years. We have 2 adult daughters & 3 grandchildren. We immigrated to this country in 1982., leaving all our family behind.
The 1st time it happened was in 1985. My husband enjoyed a couple of sweet secretive kisses with his “Just A Friend” in a parked car, She lived opposite us & he had “given her a lift home”, yet dropped her off on a street corner. Strange. She was a 15 year-old girl. He was 28, married & with 2 young children.
I was shocked & hurt by his betrayal. He said that he “Forgot to tell me about the lifts & her kisses of thanks.”
I forgave him & learned to trust him again. I forgave her & learned to trust her again too. How foolish was I?
The 2nd time my husband enjoyed thousands of hours of secretive telephone calls & text messages, bi-weekly visits & many sharing hours of “helping” with his “Just Close Friend”. When this emotional affair began, (2002) she was a divorcee, with 2 illegitimate children; several sexually intimate relationships under her belt & was in her second marriage. She was 31. He was 44. Our children had grown & our 1st grandchild arrived a year later.
On 26 December 2013 I sat & watched this scenario unfold beside me .. in total shock & horror; not believing what I witnessed. He stepped up behind her, where she stood less than 30cms away from me; spooned into her body & draped his arms over her shoulders. He crossed his forearms across her chest; his hands hovering over her breasts. He put his face into her neck and told her that he really, really loved her. His response to my questions of what was going on was that he told her that WE really loved her & that these words were meant in friendship. He said he was being supportive as she had just left her second husband the month prior and needed OUR friendship.
On 30 December 2013 when I made the shocking discovery of his secretive phone calls and text messages to her over a period of 11 years, he stepped up behind me, lowered his face to the side of my head & without any bodily contact told me that he has hated me his whole life.
He had literally spent thousands over a period of 11 years. He phoned her multiple times per day. First thing every morning & last thing before heading home to me; with a further 5 to 10 calls scattered in between times. Christmas morning .. his first call of the day was to her. He added a further 3 in on that day too despite the fact that we’d enjoyed a wonderful day with our daughters, their husbands & our grandchildren.
I was shocked & shattered by his second betrayal. I was shocked by her betrayal of our friendship. I still cannot move forward & don’t know what to believe. He has made excuses every step of the way; denying everything & telling me what he believed. He even mentioned that he had told me about many of their conversations; leaving me reeling in fear & feeling that I was going insane!
This was the same woman who I had learned to trust, respect & had forgiven 28 years prior!! I am devastated, broken & falling apart emotionally & mentally!
Why would my husband who was my childhood sweetheart, my friend & the partner who I wanted to grow old beside .. choose to betray me with a friend whom I opened my heart to in friendship?
I shall never trust anyone again. I shall never open my heart again for fear of this intense hurt which threatens to smother me.
My husband is hoping that “We” can work it out and move forward together. I’m too horrified to even think further than coping one second at a time. I cannot think of lunchtime, let alone tomorrow.
How does he take the gift of forgiveness which was given to each of them & treat it with ingratitude? Am I self-cherishing to expect their understanding of the enormity of the gift of forgiveness & trust which they received after their first attempt at becoming closer than “Just Friends”?
Will I ever respect this man again? Will I ever learn to trust him again? Will I ever believe a word he ever says again? Will I ever open my heart to love him again?
Deeply wounded!
Rosemary, the level of betrayal by your husband is horrifying. Honestly, I don’t know how you move past this. At 28, he betrayed you for a SCHOOL GIRL. I cannot tell you much this makes me want to vomit. But to have to go through everything again, and for him to have had such a LONG affair, must be utterly heartbreaking. He is clearly a schmuck of the biggest order. I have no wordly advice. I don’t know how you will ever get beyond this but please keep posting. SWxo
Dear rosemary I cried when I read your letter, you must be in so much pain, I am so sorry somebody you love and trusted did this to you. It is not your fault. I hope you heal to the stage where you can breathe and figure out what you want to do. I wish you strenght. I feel your pain. Take care x
I agree I honestly don’t know how rosemary is going to move past this either. I hope she dose and finds someone that deserves her love. You have to wonder about these OW, as sick as the betrayer! Evil
Hi SW, I fluctuate badly too and keep getting told by my therapist that I need to make a decision and not look back. I can’t keep fluctuating according to him
It’s so hard…the triggers hit and I’m off on a downward spiral…
Therapists don’t always live in the real world. You will fluctuate for years to come. I’m currently in the middle of a downward spiral myself. You can’t predict them and you can’t necessarily control them. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
15 months after finding out my husband’s preference was to sleep with asian pristitutes I am still in emended pain. We have decided to seperate and the house is up for sale. I have no idea where I am going to live, no idea how I am going to afford to live. I am so so scared . I have cried every day for a year, time has not healed anything. Now with the little strenght I have left I have to pack up my much loved home. When will this nightmare end! Looking forward to getting my own cheap rental property so I can cry , cry and cry til it dose not hurt anymore.. I will drag myself out of bed to go to work to viber the rent. Won’t be able to afford anything else . I wonder what the future holds . For months and months I have had to listen to him tiorture me, the other day he told me his whiore had the biggest best titts he has ever seen in his life! Next day he says he did not mean it ! Too late, cried myself to sleep again. I hate everything and would be grateful for any advice how in the hell I move on, I am absolutely broken in emense pain and just wish I could say ‘fuck you, go and fuck your pristitutes’ and mean it , stop crying , hold my head up high and see what else life has to offer. Honestly it could not hurt as much as this miserable existence ! Why am I still crying because he dise not live me and prefers asian pristitutes !!! WHY? What is wrong with me
Few spelling mistakes , emense pain, love not live, pay the rent not viber the rent. Stupid auto correction!
I would be grateful to hear from someone that has truely forgiven and now has a happy realationship with their cheating husband, dose anyone think it can be fixed?
Thanks ladies
I have just read your blog from beginning to most current, I discovered my partner’s emotional affair 5 weeks ago. Right now, I needed reassurance I wasn’t alone; the only person in this world feeling how I do.
I started drinking on Saturday at 10 am (this was a one time event) because I wanted to feel happiness again, I felt so disgusted with myself the next day. Ironically I’ve spent all week angry that I’m disgusted with myself and I was the faithful one! Like you, I chosen not to leave, at the moment. My current quote is ‘I chose to stay for all the things she’s done right; not the one thing she’s done wrong’ (adapted slightly) The problem is the that one wrong is just too big to comprehend right now. The question I will always ask is ‘why wasn’t I enough, that losing me wasn’t enough of a risk?’
Please continue this, I make that request selfishly!
Take care x
Hello Kathryn and thank you for reading. I haven’t blogged in ages. Even 20 months in, things are still so hopeless. He is doing everything right, but I still can’t get my head around the betrayal, the lies, his treatment of me and the children while in affair-land. Right now, we are all still living under the same roof, but I feel no attachment to him. There’s no intimacy, no romantic love. It’s slowly killing me, my soul. Our marriage feels hopeless. You are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for at least the next year. I wish you strength, you’re going to need every ounce. Be strong. SWxo
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve seen a close friend who chose to walk away after an affair and I know 2 years on she wishes she’d tried harder to make it work. Her words to me were ‘I’m jealous to have the opportunity to try because I’ve missed mine’ that comment single handedly gave me the strength to try. I wish you all the best on your journey and hope you can save your marriage and find happiness again, you deserve it!x
I have read your whole blog. It’s compelling reading, and very sad. I hope that you will be able to find some peace. At one point along the way, you said that you suspect that the only people reading your blog are those who are in the same boat. I’m here to tell you that others are benefiting from your words of wisdom as well. I am single (never married). Recently, I have had two ex-boyfriends, both of whom are now married and middle-aged, contact me and want to flirt or sext. I don’t know their wives, but reading your blog is a reminder of the pain that can be caused by online flirtation, sexual comments, and “reminiscing about the old days.”
Thank you, Marissa, your comments are gratefully appreciated. SWxo
Hi Shattered Wife, I work for BBC Radio 4 and would like to speak to you if possible about your story, you have my contact details. Edward
No thank you, I’m not interested. SW
I feel so relieved to have found your blog. I thought I was the only one who thought like this. And felt like this. It’s truly like reading my own journal entries. I just found out the extent of my husbands affair and I really needed to find these words. Thank you for being so honest.
I’m in the very early stages. I found out about his affair in April, but he told me it was only conversation. It never sat right with me, and I kept searching for some clue that it was more than just sexting. A week ago I found old emails proving my suspicions were right and that he had indeed fucked around with this whore. I’m so lost. We’ve been together for 9 years, married for 2, and have a daughter.
You are so right, “NOBODY, can understand what it’s like to have your spouse cheat on you until you’ve been in that position yourself”. I have great friends but not one of them understands my pain. I’ve been told countless times to ” get a grip” ” what happened, happened” and “get over it”. I feel so alone, and tremendous despair and two years on it isn’t getting any easier! How is it that he gets the happy ever after, despite his betrayal, the lies, and the deception? I am so disappointed that his family and some of our friends believe the vast unbelievable lies that he has spread and unfortunately they choose to believe him and they have turned their backs on our children and myself, even welcoming the other woman into their homes! We were together for 25 years, how has my life disintegrated to this horrible nightmare? I don’t forsee that I will ever recover from this but the world keeps turning and my children need me, they are what keep me going. I want to ensure their happiness and well-being, so I drag my ass through the day and paint a smile on my face, cause NOBODY around me understands my pain and they are all tired of my plight!
Jeanette if you haven’t found her already, go to chumplady.com. that site has helped so many of us betrayed spouses with great advice. practical advice. what to do to protect yourself, how to behave, resource lists and best of all an army of emotional supporters. these women and men have been through it all. I am not divorced and have found that site more valuable than therapy. she does not believe in reconciliation but welcomes everyone. gives advice even if you are trying to reconciliate and all are welcome (unless you are a troll).
I’m going to allow this comment to go through but please tread carefully. Chump Lady does not believe in reconciliation or second chances. If you are trying to save your marriage, you may find this site very hurtful and detrimental to your goals. I prefer to not read it. Unless you are convinced your marriage is over, steer clear. SWxo
I have just looked at your blog and wish you and everyone else going through this trauma the very best. Hugs to everyone, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone (maybe the OW! – but Karma usually bites them on the arse anyway!).
Stay or leave, it all sucks!! I eventually chose to leave mine. We tried but I found I just couldn’t go on. I became so depressed with triggers and flashbacks everywhere. He treated me like a fool and I just couldn’t get over it. People around us knew what had happened so I felt embarrassed and communication came to a halt. His guilt and continued use of alcohol and spending money to make himself feel better. And the realisation that I would never see him as the same person again. It’s like he had an early mid life crisis and didn’t care that he was hurting me or his own kids.
My husband left me suddenly, without warning, saying that he didn’t love me anymore. He had been behaving strangely for two weeks, I put it down to other things as you do. The kids at the time, 8, 5 and 4. We had been together 20 years (married 15) We were 18 when we met. We had our fair share of hardships, our youngest with Type 1 diabetes only diagnosed 2 years earlier, my husband had colitis and dealt with this badly – even though I tried hard to support him – he was also gambling quite a bit which I stupidly put up with. This put aside. I just never thought our marriage was in trouble. Never. We still had our good times and sex life was good.
I questioned if there was anyone else, he denied it completely. I told him he must be depressed. He had completely made up his mind though and said he was going to leave the next day. I was a complete mess in shock. The next few days were so confusing to me. He left, came back said he would go to councilling with me, became angry again, left again. Then he would not speak to me at all on the phone, ignoring me. He went on a gambling spree, took money from our account to rent a unit for himself. I just couldn’t believe what was happening. He had abandoned me and the kids (told me we should have only had 2 children!) I couldn’t believe how cold hearted he was leaving me – he knew how much support was required having a T1 diabetic child. He wouldn’t talk to our friends or family. They were all in shock too.
It took him 2 months to confess the truth. He had been with the single mother receptionist from work. He had gone to her house one night when the kids and I went out with my sister in law and her children to a show. I had asked him to come but he didn’t want to, so instead he got drunk and rode his bike to her house about 10 minutes away. He still denies that anything was taking place at work and that it ‘just happened’ that night. He had only been working there for 6 months. I think he stayed with her because he was too much of a coward to tell me the truth. To cut a very long story short. He stayed with her for a few months, while I suffered unimaginable pain as everyone knows on this blog has experienced and then came begging for me to take him back. He had broken it off with her (she was not impressed – ha!) he left his job and we started councilling.
I didn’t let him move in straight away, I had learnt my lesson the first time. But in April 2014 he moved back. We continued councilling but in the end, I just couldn’t do it. He was desperate for it to work. Told me he couldn’t believe he let me go. Very sorry for his actions. He could never truly get over his guilt though. I don’t think he would have cheated again – he was very remorseful, but I just couldn’t deal with how he treated me and that he put the kids through it as well.
What he put me through – emotionally and physically ( i had gone from 54kg to 45kg within the two months of his leaving) and I just couldn’t get past it. I am forever changed. Councilling didn’t work – after months of self blame – I came to the realisation that I could not excuse his actions for any ‘reasons’ for his cheating.I had become ‘obsessed’ with the other woman – an ugly person inside and out! I have run into her at the shops a few times since – she runs off like a coward, I just stare at her with daggers (my heart pounding) I am such a quiet, gentle person. But I have pure hatred for her.
He moved out reluctantly in November, telling me I hadn’t tried hard enough. I know he is still struggling and unhappy.
So two years on after ‘D Day” , trying to reconcile then making the choice to leave my marriage, I still am a work in progress. I still yearn to experience pure happiness. Everything is still tinged with disappointment and sadness. I have better days than bad now and have to try hard to keep a positive mind. I am off my anti depressants. It’s lonely and hard being a single mum. The nights are hard. I keep busy with part time work during the day.
I wonder if I will ever meet someone – do I want to? It would be nice? It’s terrifying! I don’t have time for anyone ? What man would want me .. a tired single mother of 3? Do I care if I never do find someone? Who needs a man! I struggle with the thought of my husband having a new partner one day and my kids having a step mother. I have my children the majority of the time but really struggle if he ever wanted them 50/50 -although he would never cope with this. I know it was my choice in the end to leave and I have to deal with those consequences but am so resentful to him for causing this to happen to our family and for two years of my life wasted on grief when it should have been happiness with our beautiful children.
For me I made the right decision. It was torture living inside my head with him there.
I know I had people around me who couldn’t believe I was going to take him back, and others who told me I was a very strong person for doing so and had their support.
I wish everyone which ever decision they make all the very best. Sometimes it is worth fighting for, if you can be strong enough there will be rewards of happiness I’m sure. Either way is so very hard.
I agree, unless you have been through it, no one will ever know the absolute trauma infidelity causes.
Sorry to have waffled on so much!! I feel like a nutter! I still find myself needing to pour out my feelings and finding others who are in a similar situation for understanding. It does help. How did my life become such a drama?!?!
Bron, thank you for your heartfelt response! Stay or leave, it sucks either way. Until I make decision, I’m staying put. He’s trying, but I just don’t know if I have it in me. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. SWxo
Hello SW its been awhile. I am in the same boat as you.
Hello lovely Willow, I hope you are keeping well. SWxo
Dear SW it has been such a long time since I have posted. Just wanted you to know that yours was the first blog I found when I was at my deepest darkest place. It was your blog that helped pull me out. it was here I received understanding and support. It was here I was given the advice of where to find evidence to confirm my suspicions. It was here i was pointed toward other resources.This site was a life ring for me and so many others. A long overdue thank you to you. it has taken a good year and more to come out of the fog but slowly and surely I am.
P.S. I have said this before but is worthy of repeating: I have so much respect for you and what you do for us all with this blog. I will never be offended if my posts are censored. I would never ever want to cause anyone pain or misdirect anyone going through such a turbulent time. Warmest regards.
Willow, it makes my heart sing to receive messages such as yours. I only ever set out to chronicle my journey through this shit storm and maintain my sanity (ha!). I never thought it would somehow benefit others. So thank you for letting me know I and others have helped you here. This is such a miserable, soul-destroying rollercoaster ride that it has helped me immensely reading all of your supporting words. And it is both depressing and comforting knowing there are so many others who share your pain. Thank you, Willow, your words mean the world to me. SWxo
You are a sweetheart Willow, I too must thank you SW, I found your site at a very low point. Although my life has lost its sparkle I don’t know how I would have began to crawl out of that deep, dark lonely hole without the help of your site. Thank you so much. I continue to read your blog, it is very hard reading posts from very recent ‘D Day’ bloggers. You can just feel thier pain and know the hell they are going to have to live through over the next coming months. Something that does scare me from reading your site is how many partners cheat !
My husbands was with prostitutes (still can’t believe I am saying that) The prostitutes tell me married men are 80% married men!
So that is my only negative, realizing just how many partners cheat. It scares me – a lot
Getting off the track, this post was to thank SW for being there with an ear and a shoulder, you have helped so many, also sorry you ever needed to start this blog x
That was supposed to say ‘married men are 80% of the prositutes income’
Thank you, sending you love and strength. SWxo
Ditto SW, I will understand if you choose not to post my comments or not post them as I would hate to add to any bodies pain
My storm hit at the end of Dec 2013. It still rages. My husbands emotional affair lasted over an 11 year period. He eventually fell in love with the woman who was a mutual friend. I’m speechless that I spent time with her & him all the while being kept in the dark. He called her daily; making thousands of calls. He ran around fetching her kids, helping her wherever he could & I knew that we drifted further apart with each year. The final wakeup was when he told her that he really loved her whilst hugging her intimately. When I asked him what was going on he denied it despite knowing that I watched and heard his confession of love for her. I discovered his itemised phone bills 4 days later whilst doing his accounts and asked him again to explain what was going on. He ignored me completely. About half an hour later he walked up to me and screamed at me that he’s hated me his entire life. We had been married for 37 years and together for 39. Two years have passed and he still lies. He pretends not to know the truth and refers to things as being “in his belief”. In March 2014 he proposed and suggested we renew our vows. I accepted and hoped we could rebuild our relationship only stronger and on a more open and loving foundation. He bragged to our family about the renewal of our vows. The celebration was to happen on our 38th anniversary. He didn’t keep his promise of returning to the church where we got married but instead took me to a restaurant we had previously visited. No special attempt was made. He didn’t even ask for my input. No flowers on our table; no glass of wine; no gift of loving embrace. We merely had dinner and went home. My heart broke again. At our first wedding he didnt kiss me in church and has blamed it on everything from not knowing the church ethics to me being pregnant to being nervous. I’ll never forget asking him why when we signed our marriage certificate and he looked surprised. Yet still made no attempt to even acknowledge the importance of this beautiful gesture.
I paid for our rings, church, organist, flowers, bridesmaid’s gown, contributed to our eats at our reception and my family paid for the rest including his suit. He made no attempt the first time around nor the second time despite going down on his knee to propose.
I have felt so rejected. He doesn’t love me and constantly told me that he couldn’t be with the OW because she had rejected him and walked away.
I go to work and come home. Facing each day is becoming more and more difficult. I don’t want to live anymore. Our adult daughters have their own families and lives to live. We cannot expect them to take sides. We see them very seldomly. I have no purpose to wake each day and putting a smile on my face and a lightness in my voice as receptionist is steadily drowning me. I cannot see a way forward.
We cannot afford 2 homes and my husband runs his business from home. What do I do?
Why is suicide frowned upon? I know it leaves hurt in its wake but living a life based on lies and deception has killed me anyway.
We’ve gone from ignoring to shouting to physically hitting and pushing. A lifetime of hope I never gave up on lies shredded at my feet.
Who wants to begin again at 58 with no savings, no medical insurance, no pension and a low income? I give up.
Oh Rose! sadly I/we have been there. The good news is you have found a safe place here. plenty of support. start saving a secret stash of EMERGENCY MONEY. even if its a only few dollars here and there. get started. skim off grocery money. any extra few dollars when you get cash out of the bank. where ever you can set aside a few extra dollars. it has taken me over a year and I have saved over 2,ooo. I am still adding to it. I hope i never need it but if I do its a little something that may save me in a crisis. get a good counselor. It took me three tries to find a good fit. If you can’t afford it, go to your church and speak with your pastor. Or any church. Most churches have some type of marital/emotional help/programs. one church in my area offers a lifeskill course and cost is based on financial ability. if you live in the states look into that class. it will help rebuild your self esteem. if you are not comfortable going to a church, try a twelve step program. stay on this blog and a few others where you can get emotional support. you are welcome to email me. my address is here on a post from last year. just scroll around and you will find it. do you have a free clinic nearby to speak to a doctor about anxiety meds? or perhaps speak with your family physician and explain the situation. some doctors will work out a payment plan. Also, if you have even one good friend you can trust, stay in contact with her/him. This is the most devastating and soul crushing experience we are going through. while its natural to isolate yourself, you do need a few trustworthy friends to turn to. I have often felt like this is emotional rape. I have often felt like I was going to have a heart attack from the stress. I have relational PTSD from it and still get the occasional nightmare, trigger, and anxiety attack. I have discovered that most victims of infidelity have PTSD. if you think you have it there are some good articles about it out there. just google it. I want to save my marriage but I have recently discovered my husband has no self control and cannot/will not stop his behavior. and lies lies lies. it’s like he has a split personality. so I too am at the end of my rope. try to talk with him and he just verbally attacks. as long as i ignore and pretend everything is great we are fine and dandy. what a way to live. I have found a good counselor and told her I need help to detach and rebuild my self-esteem. to find ME. so far it’s an uphill battle but I am hanging in there. I have no choice. so keep waking up each day and even if you are on auto pilot and moving about like a zombie, (as I often do) keep doing it. if you can’t eat, drink some protein shakes. take your vitamins. B vitamins for stress, extra magnesium for blood pressure and aids in sleep, fish oil for the omega 3’s heart and vascular help. and take a low dose aspirin to keep the blood thin. Don’t let this make you physically sick. I am sending you a big cyber hug and to say keep on getting up each day. don’t give up on yourself. I have your back….
Willow, awesome words for Katie. Thank you for being there. SWxo
Good advice as always Willow, I hope that you are doing ok x
Rose I was so saddened by your story, I understand how you feel, I hope one day you will feel happy again, why do men not recognize the pain they are causing. Please try to stop thinking about suicide – we have all been there – it is not that you want to commit suicide , you just want the pain to stop. Take care of yourself, you are so valuable x
Exactly we just want the pain to stop
I understand exactly how you feel, it is so painful, we now scream at each and it has become extremely violent on many occasions . I just don’t care anymore. I would love for him to put me out of my misery . This cannot be fixed and the pain of waking up each morning and dragging myself through another day is so very painful. I pray to God every night to ease my pain or show me a way to heal. My husband thinks I am miserable and tells me to move on, other days he will apologize profusely and tell me how very sorry he is that he has hurt me so much. Either way he can’t bear it anymore. He says you know I love you and I say how do I know that when you fucked a cheap asian brothel whore? He sighs and says I am sick of this shit. Then I hate him, then I cry . I wish he would just leave and never come back then I would have no choice but to move on. I honestly think it would have been easier if he had died . Probably not supposed to say that but I honestly truely think it would have been less painful and I would get a little bit better each day. I hate my new normal. He says you will never get over this, I know you, I tell him he is right I never will! He told me another time he really didn’t think it would have bothered me that much as he thought we were kind of over anyway, news to me! Grrrrrr
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience. I am only 13 days from D Day as you call if and your website is so helpful. Some of what you have written is exactly what I am feeling and it is a relief to know its not just me! I am 42 and been with him for more then half my life married 15 years (together 9 years before we got married) we have two kids.
Thank you thank you thank you!!! Sucks I had to even find your website but so glad I did!
I look forward to reading all of it.
Thank you for finding me. I’m sorry we had to meet this way. The days immediately following D-Day are the hardest. Your brain is spinning at about a million miles an hour and you dining cannot trust yourself to make any decision about ANYTHING. I hope you find something that you can grip into here. Hope you content again, without love to hear how you’re doing. SWxo
My heart hurts for you.
This is 6 months for me since finding out and it all just fucking sucks. I feel so stupid. Why do I have to try so hard when I’m not the one who betrayed my marriage? Everyone tells me to work it out, and be patient with him while he tries to figure out why he cheated. WTF? Me be patient with him?? Am I not the one hurting? I don’t see him depressed, or gaining a shit ton of weight from stress eating. I’m so confused, lost and hurt.
I thought that surely by month 6, it would get easier. It only gets harder everyday.
As a stress eater all my life, I know exactly where you’re coming from. But when the affair tornado hit, I couldn’t eat a thing. I dropped almost 20kg in the space of a few months. I’ve never heard of a betrayed spouse putting on weight, you might be the first! Who knows, this journey affects all of us differently. Six months is still very early. Sounds like you’ve told a few people, is that right? So many people weigh in with advice, most never having been in your shoes. It’s maddening. He causes all the damage and you’re the one having to wade through the pain while he gets off scott-free. How did you discover the affair? Do you have children? Sending you love and strength. SWxo
We have a daughter. I discovered it while we were on family vacation in April of this year. He was out running and had to leave his phone behind bc it hadn’t charged overnight. His alarm went off so I went to unlock his phone and turn it off. There was a text on his lock screen from someone named Andy saying “ugh I miss you”. I call the number, the woman picks up and when she heard my voice she hangs up in my face. My husband gets back to the room and I ask him to step outside so I can confront him. He tells me she’s an assistant in his dental clinic that was only talking to him about her failing marriage and he was just being a friend. He says she was trying to make it inappropriate and while he hadn’t physically done anything, he knew he was wrong by responding to texts like the “I miss you” text. I know my husband so I didn’t believe him, but I didn’t have any proof bc there were no other texts in his phone btwn the two of them.
We end up moving to another state in June, and we begin our ivf treatments since I had had two tubal pregnancies that resulted in removal of both tubes. After our regular lab work, I get a call from one of the nurses asking us to come in and go over results. He got really anxious and I didn’t understand why. I didn’t think anything of it. We get there and she lets us know we both have chlamydia.
My heart fucking fell. How can I, a faithful wife have chlamydia from my husband who says he’s never fucked that whore???
We get home and it all comes out. He was fucking her whenever he said he was out running (she lived nearby), he was “going to the gym” and not losing any weight or gaining any definition bc he was spending time with that bitch.
Here I am offering myself to my husband every night, trying to make our sex life exist and he’s telling me he’s just not in the mood, or he’s tired, or his sex drive isn’t what it used to be (he’s fucking 31) I’m feeling like I’m not good enough and self conscious and it’s all bc he was fixing someone else.
I feel so dumb for not knowing. For actually trying to trust him during that time and not go through his phone. Thinking I’m helping our marriage by trusting him.
We are in marriage counseling now and have told a few members of our families, but my heart isn’t in it. I’m not in love with him. I feel numb. I don’t want to lose my marriage, but I don’t want to lose myself even more. Why should I have to forgive him when he chose to throw our marriage away?? I hate it all.
What a way to have your worst fears confirmed – by someone else. That nurse would have dreaded telling you. I bet she sees this kind of cheating husband shit all the time. I’m so sorry he didn’t even use fucking condoms and has now infected you! Does this affect your chances of getting pregnant? I guess this also means you’re on a course of antibiotics… Wow. What a major disappointment your husband has been to you WHILE TRYING TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHER! Are those plans now history? I’ve never heard of a 31yo not being in the mood for sex. We all feel dumb for not knowing. But you know what? They were doing everything in their power so we WOULDN’T know. Why would a wife need to be a fucking detective? We trust them… Even when we have a feeling something isn’t right. I see early on when he tried to explain why he was responding to the whore that “I know my husband so I didn’t believe him”. I could say the same thing about mine. I’ve decided to have STD testing Tuesday week because *I* know *my* husband and have strong suspicions he did more than he says. If course he’s all about “saving” the marriage now. If you hadn’t made so many stupid inconsiderate choices, we wouldn’t be here, asshole. It’s not fucking rocket science. My heart goes out to you. This is such an awful time in your life. You’ll feel numb, broken, and stupid as long as you’re still with him. I know – I’ve been there. What is your husband saying now? What’s your next move? All I would recommend is don’t do anything until you are sure. Sit on the fence for as long as you need to. There is no deadline to make a decision. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
PS Between the family holiday in April and when you moved in June, was he continuing to see her?
He told me in April when I found out that he would stop; and I found out in June that he had continued to see her, in between me finding out and our move, after telling me differently.
Scoundrel. SWxo
I will say that reading your blog makes me feel sane. It makes me feel ok for feeling so damn crazy all the time. So I thank you!
I have completely stopped IVF bc I just don’t want another child with him. I didn’t go back after my antibiotic medication because I was so humuliated. It hurts bc I really wanted another baby but what’s the point of putting myself and another child through his shit.
I am completely on the fence right now. Of course he wants to work it out and he’s all for IVF treatments now, but that’s bc he doesn’t have to deal with a piece of shit cheating spouse ya know? He acts like he wants our marriage to work so bad now, and I’m just thinking “it’s your fault it’s this way now asshole!”
So I’m all lost and confused, but I find refuge here. Reading these posts and other peoples stories, letting me know I’m not alone.
ND, I’m glad you feel sane reading my blog! We go through such a rollercoaster dealing with the craziness after an affair that it really helps knowing your feelings are all normal and you’re not the only one suffering. You are welcome here any time. SWxo
I feel so sorry for everybody in this position, it is the most unbearable pain I have ever felt. SW described it as the new normal , I struggle with it every day, 18 months after DDay. I do not like the new normal. Pray every night that tomorrow will be different and I little easier and I will no longer give a dam. Good luck ladies x
I feel your pain, I also hate being on this roller coaster ride.
I am 8 months past d day.
My husband chose after 36 years of marriage to fuck his co worker, 20 year younger than me co worker.
He met up with her once a month for sex, but that’s ok because he didn’t,t stop loving me ( yes I am being sarcastic )
This went on for 4 years, but ok because the last year they did not have sex…..maybe she had a conscience, ( sarcastic )
It has been the worse time of my life……i struggle daily to come to terms with why!
We have been together since I was18 and him 20.,.,
Next month we have been married 40 years….don’t know how I am going to get through the day….our adult children don’t know, but they seem to think that something is up…I want to scream and tell them that their dad has been fucking around for 4 years….but I won’t.
I feel so low, so ugly, and so old…..I am 60 very soon. He choose to go to her house monthly…..for a fuck. I never had a clue there was anything going on, as he only went out once a month…..bigger fool me.
The whore knew what she was doing, as after he had ended it, she took great pleasure in telling me. What type of woman fucks a man old enough to be her dad.
I am almost 60 , I took early retirement and no prospects……I hate my life at the moment and I hate him……..
Thank you for creating an honest, an open forum to share our feelings about infidelity! I’ve been through it and understand. I’m a casting director working on a groundbreaking TV project that deals with this very issue. Would love if you can contact me and let others know about this opportunity. Compensation and counseling will be given to selected couples.
Hi Sandra, I receive messages such as yours on a regular basis. It’s not something I’m interested in, but if any other betrayed spouses think this might be of benefit, please leave a comment under this one and I’ll pass on Sandra’s details. As you’d know, Sandra, infidelity within a marriage is not something most people are interested in publicising. SW
Thank you SW.
Hey there! I am late to your blog. I discovered it when you commented on In the Mind of Men blogger a.k.a. CUCH. Anyway, my heart aches for you. I’ve been there and it sucks. Only in my case, I didn’t find out until after he asked for a divorce. That’s how stupid I was. I didn’t even know he was having an affair or that the real reason he wanted a divorce was so that he could be with her. When I discovered the truth, I was devastated. I felt like a fool. They were in on the big secret and I was the chump who had no idea.
Anyway, enough about me. I was wondering if you’ve ever heard of Chump Lady. She has an awesome sight that really helped me put my thoughts in order and realize that what my Ex did to me, belongs 100% to him. He never gave me/us the chance to fix our marriage. Instead he built himself a life raft and bailed on me.
If you have the time, I recommend you read through Chump Lady because thanks to her insight into affair behavior, I was able to find my voice and my strength.
If you feel your marriage is over and you feel like a chump, then by all means visit that site. If want to actually HEAL and save your marriage, I strongly recommend you avoid that site. It will bring you nothing but more heartache. SW
Hi,
My name is Jo and I am a writer at Debrief Daily. I came across your blog. I hope you are okay. I was wondering if we would be able to republish your latest blog. It may help other women experiencing the same thing. Let me know. We will be happy to link it back to your blog.
Regardless of your decision, I wish you all the best.
Jo
Hi Jo, I know your byline well. Sure, I’m happy for you to republish my latest blog ‘Missing out after kids arrival’ online for Debrief Daily on the condition there is a link back to the homepage of my blog, and that I get to remain anonymous. (No other permissions are granted.) Love, a fellow Aussie. SWxo
Hi SW, thanks for your blog and your honest posts. It really helps knowing other people out there understand. It’s shit to say that. It’s not an experience I want anyone else to go through, but turns out happens more than I naively believed. Life is less innocent and quite jaded, that’s for sure.
Hello there. I have not read all entries, but I will. You have been able to write how you felt just as you felt it. The choice of language is refreshing, as I cannot say amusing in such a situation.
My story? Unfortunately, lifelong membership to that club as well…
Going onto 7 years post affair #1 , and 1 year post affair #2. Hell …
Number 1 was both physical and emotional. In our house, in our bed, in hotel rooms. And he kept it going for years (emotionnally), even after I discovered. The things I read are forever fucking with my sanity. Stupid club, membership #2.
Number 2 was a colleague. This time, carebear was a little more careful and became suspicious. He kept telling me she was a good friend and nothing else. I didn’ like it, but because he told me I was the worst wife because I could not trust him after #1, I bit everything I could and kept it zipped. Until I found them in an embrace, in my house.
My life, my mind, my body are all fucked up. I have lived in hell and felt like shit for many years now. I have talked to a therapist who tells me this is helpless. Yet here is the stupid romantic carebear who hurts to stay but hurts to leave.
Hi Sophie, I’m sorry you’ve been through this hell twice now. You are a strong woman to deal with twice the pain. SWxo
Like many of us on this site, I never thought infidelity could happen to me. It’s been 3 months since I found out about my husbands affair. I’m still in shock and disbelief. This is the most excruciating thing I have ever experienced. The pain is intense. We have been married 10 years. He met her at the gym 4 years ago. yes, this has been going on for 4 years and I had no idea. Our marriage had it’s good and bad but never so bad that I would have ever thought he would do this to me. My husband was the type of man that when I heard about other men betraying their wives I would say to myself “Thank God my husband wouldn’t ever do something like that”. He started working from home 4 1/2 years ago and this flexibility allowed him to go to the gym during the day and flexibility with his schedule. Funny…. I COMPLETELY trusted him whenever he walked out the door. I work full time (not at home). He befriended “Kim” at the gym and they exchanged business cards. That’s how it started. He started confiding in her about some of our fights/issues. Met her for drinks a couple times, says he had too much to drink one night and followed her back to her apartment! This blows my mind and it has devastated me (so hard to imagine him doing this to me). They never talked on the phone. It was all instant message and email. He said he made a huge mistake and regrets it. So…. here’s where the 4 years comes in that I am trying to grasp. He said she blackmailed him into seeing her. She threatened to tell me and our family about the affair. I feel like this is a complete nightmare. She did contact me twice via Facebook friend request and I didn’t know who she was so I declined. One day a few months back I finally accepted because she was very persistent. I finally thought “maybe she is a friend of a friend”. Well that opened a disaster. she instant messaged me and my teenage daughter. Told my daughter that she was her fathers girlfriend and that her mom is crazy. Then Kim continued in a frenzy to message me. I confronted my husband and he left the house with no explanation. He later told me he didn’t know what to do. He spent the night at his mothers house (this is true). He said he had been blackmailed and didn’t know how to get out of it. He had told Kim that he just couldn’t do it anymore and that’s when she contacted me. she is a complete nut case. she has been all too delighted to share specific details with me. she’s very graphic and delights in telling me and sending me actual emails. I have since cut her off. My husband said he tried to get away from her from the beginning. He said he had to be nice to her or she threatened to tell me (this is hard to accept, so you sleep with another woman and “take one for the team” in order to protect your wife and family? I admit that if I had known about this 4 years ago it would have likely ended in divorce. I was one of the woman that vowed that I would never stay with a cheater. I’m eating my words now. He didn’t meet with her on a regular basis. He says he would put her off for 2-3 months at a time until she because more persistent and he had to go over there. He claims they didn’t have sex every time he went over there either. I wish I knew what to believe. He said she demanded he see her or she would contact me. They never went anywhere or did anything. She confirmed that in the very beginning because she bragged they spent all their time having sex. He didn’t buy her gifts and they didn’t ever go anywhere. I don’t know how she could have been happy just seeing someone every few months. I do find it hard to accept some of the email exchanges between them that she has shared with me though. My husband says he was just try to appease her so she wouldn’t go off the deep end. She is 7 years older than me (at least he didn’t go for some hot young thing). He says he didn’t love her and that he was terrified of me knowing. I just don’t know what to believe. He has been pretty good about answering my questions but I don’t know how I can ever trust him. How could he have thought that having sex with her to keep her quiet was better than telling me? I can’t believe this went on for so long. When she was contacting me she was a complete nut. she would taunt me about my facebook pictures/ my hair cut. Told me that my husband hated me, hated having sex with me and regretted ever marrying me. She would then turn around and try to act like my friend and counselor. Really? I did communicate with her for several weeks and then finally blocked her. I don’t know how another woman can be so vindictive towards someone they don’t know. My husband was wrong and he’s admitted to it. He said the reason this all came to a head is because he told her enough is enough and that he wasn’t doing that anymore. I just cant seem to get over it and the images of them together and I picture the images of the emails and text that she has sent to me. He claims he tried to get rid of her. She claimed she had cancer and that maybe she would just eventually go away. she told me cancer stories too and I’ve seen her Facebook page (she doesn’t appear to be sick). one day she claims she is having a port put in and then getting it out a few days later? She would send me messages but claiming to be her “assistant Brandon”. “Brandon” would say….”Kim is so upset and I don’t know what to do with her”. You should let them be together, they are soul mates”.
I do believe this woman is deranged but I cant understand that if my husband didn’t want to be with her then why on earth couldn’t he figure out some way to get out of the situation? He’s a grown man and could have figured something out. I don’t know what to believe. I love my husband and hope we can work through this. I just cant forget all the details this woman has told me. As bad as this sounds I think I would have rather never known about this affair.
Do I believe his story? I know it doesn’t condone what happened. I’m just trying to make sense of everything.
Hello StillHere, I’m so sorry you’ve joined our not-very-exclusive club of betrayed wives. Three months in, everything is still so raw and new. You’re probably not eating much and your sleep is erratic. The shock is perhaps the hardest thing to overcome at first. The complete and utter disbelief that the person who is supposed to love you the most in this world would do something like this. In your case, one of the first things I would do is report this nutcase to the police. Get your husband to do it. Have it somewhere on the record that she is harassing you. They can then step in and tell her she needs to stay away from you. Tell them she blackmailed your family. If she attempts anything more, she’ll be ‘known’ to authorities. She does sound emotionally unhinged, without a doubt, so proceed with caution. So many of us say we’d never stay with a cheater, so plenty of us have “eaten our words”. But you know what? There’s no shame in wanting to keep your family together. It’s hard and demoralising because you feel like you’ve betrayed yourself. I still struggle with this. Are you both in counselling? What is your husband doing to help you deal with what’s happened? You are always welcome here. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Your response means the world to me. We are in couples counseling. How can I ever trust him again? He was my best friend. We haven’t confided in any family (we told my daughter it wasn’t true). I don’t have anyone to talk to. Some days I am still in a fog. My husband has been pretty supportive except when he gets perturbed that I ask the same questions over and over. Then that causes a fight. I cant seem to help myself. He closed the email account they used. Part of me wants to insist on seeing it and the other part doesn’t. He said it will just cause triggers (like one email she shared with me between them referenced wine). I honestly cant ever imagine drinking a glass of wine and not thinking of her). I have a lot of triggers. He said he doesn’t want me to have more. I don’t know what to think. He keeps telling me that “its not what you think it was”. Either way it was having sex (regardless of the reason) with another woman. When we are together I wonder if he is thinking about her. Was she better in bed etc? He said the only time he thinks about her is when I bring her up and he wants to forget her. It’s not that easy for me. One comforting thing is that they never went anywhere and he didn’t buy her gifts (she confirmed this). she bought him a few items that he had the never to bring home (expensive sunglasses). He was wearing the sunglasses when we took prom pictures with our twin daughters so every time I look at those pictures I am going to think of her! I sometimes hurt myself by going back and reading things she sent me. It’s depressing.
Thanks again for listening. I’ve tried to explain to my husband that he may feel this sense of “relief” that he says he has. Me, on the other hand , I’m still processing this and having a hard time understanding how this happened and went on for so long. I feel like a complete joke. I am just at such a loss and never thought that a person could feel physical pain without ever having physical harm done to them. I have never felt this intense pain before and shame on all cheaters. NO ONE should ever have to experience this pain/ betrayal.
Julia, I’m sure I asked my husband the same questions over and over… sometimes just to see if he’d give me a different answer (which he did – it used to do my head in.) Keep asking until you have nothing left to ask; unanswered questions will keep you up at night. I know how hard it is to not be able to confide in anyone, especially my family who didn’t want me marrying him in the first place. My therapist helped, but my biggest source of support was the blogosphere. Speaking to other wives dealing with the same shit confirmed I was completely normal in my reactions and emotions. The fog takes a while to lift, at least 6 months in my case. But you cover through it with your life stripped of the romanticism you once had about life. It’s like someone’s taken off the blinkers. Please drop by and chat any time. I’m always here for you. SWxo
Hi SW and Julia,
Julia, your story sounds so much like mine expect the OW never blackmailed my husband, she just would not leave him alone and it was for 4 years also. I thought my husband never told a lie in his life let alone live a double life for 4 years. I trusted my husband and loved my husband with all my heart.
He tells me over and over he told her several times he loved his wife and he can’t be doing this, he broke it off with her several times, but she could never accept that. He also like your husband tried to get away from her from the very beginning, or so he says. What bothers me the most is… one-how can I ever believe a word he says now and two-why wasn’t he man enough to just say “No and to leave him alone”?
The OW hated her husband and thinks she has a miserable life. She is the typical cheating liar that a lot of OW use… First she claimed after the first time having sex with my husband that she was pregnant (which wasn’t true). Then it was her own husband beats her, which isn’t true either.
Like your situation, they never went anywhere and he never bought her anything. They would meet up a couple of times a week for 20-30 minutes, get each other off in either his car or her car and then leave. One time supposedly they screwed in her basement. Now that is real love, isn’t it? She is nothing but a Homewrecking White Trash Skanky Cunt Whore.
My husband says the same things to me as yours does to you. He only thinks about her when I bring her up. He gets upset about me asking the same questions over and over-he says its like I want him to make something up to hear something else… that just pisses me off even more. We are 15 months out and I will say it took my husband about 10-12 months to truly see what he has done to his wife and children. He told me the other day, I never want to see her, look at her, talk to her again. He tells me all the time he NEVER wants to live that life again. The sad part is he took that life and dumped it on my lap now. I am the one that has to suffer. It has been the worst thing EVER that has happened to me. And I honestly don’t know if I can stay with him, I am trying though. I have never been so hurt or have had so much pain in my life.
I am somewhat still young, I am 43. We started young, my oldest is 23 and youngest is 18 and in college. We are empty nesters and now live in a different state. So with that being said I could leave and try to start a new life with no obligations, but why do I stay? Is it because I still love my husband and we have 24 years together? Is it because I am to weak to leave? I don’t know and wish I could answer my own questions.
I read your blog Shatteredwife all the time… I don’t post much… But, I to have started medication and it seems to have helped a little. I have a couple of questions for you, does your husband seem to be remorseful? And are you two getting along now or do you still fight? My husband and I seem to fight a lot. I. JUST. CAN’T. GET. OVER. IT. 😦
I wish you to all the best and wish all betrayed spouses peace… some day I hope to find my peace.
Hello Flower, lovely to hear from you! Thank you for your message and your questions. Yes, I believe my husband is truly remorseful. He continues to apologise when something has triggered me or upset me. He’ll just look me in the eye and say “I’m sorry.” It helps to still hear it, even two years later. For the most part, we get along. The occasional trigger will send me off the deep end once in a while, but day-to-day is good. I got over it by asking him questions, lots and lots of questions, over and over again, until I was satisfied. He never once said “Just forget about the past” or anything along those lines. He once made the point of pointing out I had asked one particular question already, and I pointed out that seeing as HE was the one who cheated, I could ask whatever I liked, whenever I liked, and how ever many times I liked. He got the message and never questioned me again. The way I see it, answering questions is the LEAST they can do. I note we are similar ages. I hope we both find peace with our decision to stay. And hope we have made the *right decision* to stay. SWxo
Wow, your story is so much like mine. His affair lasted 3 years, and was blackmailed too. We have been dealing with a crazy person and have an order of protection against her. It’s been 20 months since d-day. I had been sent pictures, cards, voice message, texts….. It is hard to get past these images, but for me therapy has helped tremendously. It’s been 20 months since d-day and I can’t imagine where I’d be today without my therapist. If you haven’t sought help, please consider it.
Our stories are so similar. I am 44 years old. We have 5 kids together. This is a second marriage for both of us. I had 3 kids, he has a daughter and we have an 8 year old son together. The OW kept telling me that the only reason my husband didn’t leave me is because of our son. My husband of course denies this is the case. Says he loves me and always has. So hard to believe right? Our 8 year old means the world to my husband. My husband is the peewee football coach and so many kids look up to him. The parents love him. People would be absolutely shocked to know he did something like this and for SO LONG.
Whenever we are intimate or cuddling I have a hard time not bringing up the OW. I tell my husband that it hurts to think of him doing the same things with her. He always says “it wasn’t like that”. Says he tried to get it over with and get out. How could my best friend do this to me? How could he cross that line of infidelity to being with and then not be man enough to figure out how to get out of it??!!! That part is unbelievable to me. I look at him sometimes and just think to myself “did this really happen to us and how could be do this to me??” The OW did slip up in the beginning by telling me “he isn’t a giver of oral sex but loves when I do it to him”. (what guy doesn’t right). That small piece of information helps me a little. He said she wanted him to do things to her but he refused and said he didn’t like it.
She is so weird that when I was in contact with her she sent me nude pictures and him nude pictures (saying to him… don’t you miss me? Don’t you like my pictures anymore?”). I’ve actually seen this whore naked. What kind of woman sends another woman naked pictures?
It hurts though to know that they were in contact regularly via email (even when I was home sometimes) . He said that if he didn’t respond quickly to her that she would go off the deep end and threaten him. Apparently towards the last few months of their affair she demanded to see him more frequently. He said the majority of the affair it was every few months but increased at the end because of her demands. He then said he had enough because she was demanding that he leave me. This is when she contacted me. He said he thought that by being nice to her she would understand and go away. He claims that for years she said she was dying and he thought that was the way he would finally be done with her. My husband didn’t admit to this affair for 3 weeks after she contacted me. She would go back and forth with her stories that they were “just friends”. He thought she was going to go away willingly and had agreed that she wouldn’t tell on him, then she turns around and blows the roof off my world. He finally admitted everything 3 weeks later. He kept telling me that he lied to me for those 3 weeks because he didn’t want to hurt me and she had agreed to go along with the “friends” story. How nice of them right?
She is so weird. She even sent him a picture of her doing something sexually with another man (after he cut thing off with her) and asked him if it made him jealous. Of course the only one that will ever know the truth is my husband. She is a nasty whore who will apparently have sex with anyone. She had also claimed she was pregnant and had a miscarriage last Christmas Eve, my husband said that the “assistant Brandon” had contacted him on Christmas Eve last year and that my husband supposedly didn’t even respond because he didn’t believe her. She is constantly saying she is very ill and in the hospital. He said that he didn’t see her until after the New Year last year and the whole pregnancy topic didn’t even come up.
I just can’t believe my husband did this to me and that the woman he chose is a complete home wrecking bitch. Sometimes I am mean and yell at him about it (I can’t control myself). I yell at him “what made you pick her, what does she have that I don’t? She is actually 51 years old.). He just says he is sorry and said he didn’t mean to confide so much to her but “she was nice to me”. What??? Because someone is nice to you then you cheat? We did have problems but I never once thought about cheating on him. He admits his mistake (I think a mistake is something you do once, you do something on a repeated basis then it was somewhat of a choice). I know that if I want to stay married to the man that was my best friend then I have to suck it up, not talk so much and carry on. So much easier said than done. He said he wants to be with me the rest of our lives and make things better, make all our dreams a reality (It looks like his business may pick up soon). I want that to believe that but it’s so hard to look at my best friend that hurt me so bad and wonder if I can ever trust him again???? Life for him at this point is so different than what I am going through. I don’t think he fully understands that.
Flower- do your children know what your husband did?
Julia,
Oh my gosh I think you could be writing my story. My husband says the same damn thing., “SHE WAS NICE TO ME”. Ugh! So the next woman that comes along and is nice to him is he going to do the same thing?
Yes, my children know. My daughter was home when he told me so she heard it all. He accepted a new job out of state and 12 hours later he told me. We lived apart for 9 months so my daughter could graduate. She literally took care of me for 9 months, it was horrible and I feel so bad her senior year was ruined. My daughter and oldest son want me to divorce him, but my middle son does not. Our family is ripped apart.
My husband is very remorseful and can’t believe what he has done. But, I just can’t get over it.
wow. I dont think we will ever get over it. I guess we just keep moving forward? I dont know how the trust can ever be rebuilt but I also cant imagine not being with him. My kids may suspect but I haven’t talked to them about it. I dont want my family torn apart (he claims this is why he never wanted me to know…. whatever).
Some days I feel like I am going crazy and the strange this is that one of the last messages the OW sent me was “I hope you always wonder about me and your husband. you will never know our “love story” and I hope it drives you F…. crazy”. SERIOUSLY….How nice for the woman that trashed my life to try to put the nail in the coffin huh?
My husband said to me this morning when I was talking about the OW that “we won” and she will never have what we have”. He said she is just jealous. I dont care what she is. She should have never been in our life to begin with.
Maybe he is truly remorseful or maybe I’m still an idiot (sure feel like one). Wish I knew. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone (except a cheater).
Happy New Year to you. I sure hope 2016 is a better year. I wish I knew what the future held. I just want to forget and wish this never happened.
How can they not believe what they have done? I think a mistake can happen once but when you do something multiple times it is a choice. I am so disappointed in my husband, I love him but when I look at him I honestly wonder who he is. I am thinking of suing the OW because I live in NC and she has done so much damage to me intentionally, I am sorry to hear about your daughters senior year and her taking care of you. This is just such a hurtful situation. I don’t know how to get over it. I want the OW to suffer like I have. she has done so much intentional damage its crazy.
My wonderful husband and father who is a good provider had his mistress of 16 years reveal to me her existence as a means of ending their relationship. The length of this relationship means that he lied and deceived me every single day of our marriage. We’ve two amazing children 14 years old. I’m beyond words to describe how I feel. There are no words.
Is/was the mistress married? Holy hell, was she at your wedding?? She has some fucking nerve. Stupid slut. SWxo
I am so relieved and so terribly sad to have found this site. It makes me so sick to think of all the cheating bastards out there! My husband and I got married last year in June – we’ve been together 10 years…and I just found out he’s been having an affair for a year. Before and after we got married. It was more emotional than physical which I think hurts me even more. We had been living in the U.S. when he started traveling to Hong Kong last January-he was out there for the whole month. My best friend introduced him to her new friend, and they started hanging out and that’s when it started. They kept in touch, we got married in June, and then relocated out here in September. While I was leaving my job, packing up our house and our life in the U.S., he was already out here running around with her. He continued to stay in touch in secret, even texting her things like, “I feel so guilty” and she instructed him how to permanently delete their texts so I wouldn’t see. He contacted her the night before I was arriving here, and on New Years Eve, wishing her a happy new one. What the fuck?? The worst part is I Always suspected she was bad news. I told him point blank I did not want him to be friends with her and he basically said Tough Shit, because she was his “only friend” out here before I arrived. She moved from HK in October, so 1-we never met, and 2-he could have easily, Easily just listened to me and never seen her again, and not damage our marriage, but he did more damage After we exchanged vows in front of family and friends than before. I told a couple friends how I suspected she was bad news, including the best friend that had introduced them and they assured me She’d never do anything and more importantly, my husband Never would, he was such an incredible guy. Even if I had the strength to leave him, no one would believe me at home that he was capable of doing this. I am miserable here, in a city where I don’t know anyone, don’t have a job, and feel stuck because I’m so mortified I’m even in this position. I don’t want to confide in anyone in case we work it out, but I am so terribly alone out here. Only our parents know.
And the stupid slut? The bitch doesn’t even want him. When my friend confronted her, the monster just didn’t care. My friend has cut her off from all of their mutual friends, totally blackballing her, and the bitch just shrugged and moved on. I wanted to see her, or call or email her, do something, letting her know she has destroyed my marriage and I hope she rots in hell, but the worthless bitch doesn’t care! It’s not even worth my time to contact her. She ruined my brand new marriage and 10-year relationship for fucking fun, because she was feeling lonely herself. My husband wants to save the marriage but I don’t know how I can move forward from this.
Hello TotallyHeartbroken and I’m glad you found me while wading through this shitstorm known as infidelity. I can say this without absolutely any doubt: Hong Kong is utterly ruthless to marriages. It if one of the worst places to be as a married ex-pat. So many expat marriages have come to an end in HK. The culture there is for local women to worship the ground expat men walk on. It doesn’t take long for expat men to fall for this attention. About 14 years ago, the South China Morning Post magazine did an exposé on the pressure expat marriages are under in HK and I don’t believe the situation has changed much there. The whores there don’t give a fuck about wives — they simply want to land a big fish. You couldn’t pay me enough money to go back. SWxo
My husbund had an affair 9 years ago, and it still hurts! It is good you decided to write about it. That may help you.
Thank you, Mila. I don’t think it ever stops hurting. SWxo
Our stories are different but the feelings in your posts mirror mine in so many ways. It goes well into digging, no, dredging up feelings of hurt and worthlessness to a depth that people who have not been in this position simply cannot relate to. These feelings stop you from eating. Stop you from enjoying life. They lower the bar on our view of humanity. They paint a shade of grey over the world. Reminders lurk at every corner and are merciless and relentless. There is no relief.
20 years into my marriage with three teenage daughters and my wife whom held my heart saw something she liked more. And pursued him. A man on a plane. In less than a month, their messaging is not so much different than your role reversal post. 20 years. Left in shreds in less than a month.
And you know what? That was nothing compared to what happened next. An honest person in this situation cannot ignore their own role in the marriage being in a vulnerable place. This is a reality that must be delt with. I understand that. It’s absolutely no excuse for what my wife did. But if we are to heal as a couple and move to a higher level of commitment, both need to identify what went wrong before d-day. And did I. There’s no sense in being someone you’re not, but we should all try to be the best version of us. I became that. I engaged in conversation and activities. I left love notes, brought surprise lunches and treats. Hand-made cards for special occasions. Had better dates and more often. Dressed better. Communicated more. Argued less. So much more. This is what I did. This is how I responded. In the beginning, I even held her and cared for her knowing she was now going through her own hurt and withdrawal. I wanted to be the better person.
So what happened next? What didn’t compare? How she reacted. An affair can destroy you on so many levels. How my wife responded after made the sting of the affair secondary. I wanted two things. A new promise, and to disconnect. To this date I have received neither. We’ve had tender moments and on the surface interact better than before. But it’s just that. Surface stuff. There’s lots of words. But I want intentional determination toward our marriage. I’m sick of finding things that I wasn’t told about earlier. I’m sick of discovering some other means of communication still available, with names disguised. I’m sick of her time-will-heal attitude. It’s more of a time bomb.
I’ve been depressed because of this. I’ve hurt myself. I’ve put myself in the Hospital. I’ve been encouraged to take anti-depressants. I don’t need a f*cking pill. I need my wife to demonstrate I’m more important than him. This is what haunts me. This is what occupies my thoughts. Not the affair. The part where I’m not worth disconnecting from him. The part that no matter how much I’ve tried, the best version of me can’t compete with this (married) horrible human being. This is what is ultimately communicated to me by my wife with her actions or lack there of. Words are meaningless.
We’re still together. Though if it wasn’t for the kids I would have left. I’m two years from d-day myself. Apparently married to someone who doesn’t know how to love. Doesn’t want to. I don’t know.
There are many critical and important actions in the aftermath of an affair. I believe that none are more important than the action to permanently disconnect from the AP.
Came here to leave a small note thanking you for your story. Left a book of my own. *sigh*
Hello ShatteredHusband, nice name! Well, that’s certainly a hell of a story. All I can say is that if she isn’t willing to disconnect from her affair partner, then there is no hope. She has chosen him, as you so aptly put it, over you. It fucking hurts. But continuing contact with this other married piece of shit tells me she is not willing to move forward. Doesn’t she read any of these blogs? Does she even care if you go or stay? I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be callous, but continuing contact with the affair partner is completely unacceptable. Did you go to counseling? I’m guessing not. Your wife sounds like a real piece of work. Do your daughters know? You have gone above and beyond what most betrayed spouses would do. Your love is not being returned. Consult a divorce attorney for your own peace of mind. You are welcome here any time you want to leave a comment or story : ) Thank you for sharing your personal story. Hugs to you. SWxo
She does read blogs. She’s so much more of a reader than I am, and we have both gone after this with intent. She processes differently though and that’s what I cannot understand. We’re not worlds apart but on the issue of disconnection we are. I would say right now there is no active ongoing communication, but the reality is our family unit, what her family, friends and our kids think of her, and our 20 year marriage are at risk. Continuing to communicate with him, communicates with me that he’s worth more than all that. Mind = blown.
She does care if I go or stay. She tells me she loves me, recently that she’s “in love” with me. But I’m jaded. Words have little meaning from her now which is sad. I want action. I want her to lie cheat and steal for me, not someone else.
We did do counseling. The first counselor made great headway with her too. Right up to the point where he realized her unwillingness to disconnect was becoming stronger. She had sent me an email after D-day (I left the house for a couple days) that was full of conviction and humility. It meant the world to me. But her attitude changed after it. Later in counseling I read it aloud to the counselor when it was just he and I who met. Frustrated, I asked him if the person who wrote this letter seamed like the same person sitting in our counseling sessions. He was very troubled by it and put pressure on my wife on the subject of disconnection. She closed up, and he said he couldn’t help us any more. We went to a 2nd counselor who was a woman and the counselor I wanted to see first anyway. I thought another woman would be more helpful to my wife. She got too expensive long term and we had to quit.
Our kids do not know. Maybe there is a special layer of protection between a father and his daughters. Sometimes I want to get away from this pain so bad, but hurting my daughters by tearing our family apart would be even more painful to me. So I continue to keep a close watch. I hope for better days ahead. I still try to be a better husband, but that part has diminished. Not due to apathy, but rather some other hard to explain emotional turmoil. I’m pissed. I’m sad. She’s not deserving. She doesn’t want it or it would have made a difference, bla bla bla. She’s robbed me of my desire to be awesome to her. She “took” that from me.
Gah. I never asked for any of this.
Dear SW,
I found your blog a few months ago. I’ve been married 11 years. Last September I found out that my husband had continued an affair that I learned about more than 6 years ago – and at that time he had been cheating on me starting when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. (Who, btw is now 10.) Now we have 3 children. He swore he ended it the first time I found out. I stayed like you hoping to save what little we still had and due to the fact we have the same values as you when it comes to kids having 2 parents.
I had suspicions that the affair continued, but no proof. That changed with the Ashley Madison hack. Since then I have found out that he had a whole different identity online. He carried out several emotional affairs and , the worst of all, a physical affair with the original whore. Before this I had convinced myself that MAYBE mailing the emails and messages I had found to the whore’s husband would end it. Nope.
The most devastating thing I have dealt with for most of the 6+ years of knowing of an affair was that my daughter, the one I was pregnant with when this all started shared the whore’s middle name. Coincidence? I don’t think so. It took 2 months of marriage counseling last year for him to finally admit that it was done on purpose. Another low blow on top of many others he has done throughout the marriage. Others you wonder? Telling me that He wanted to leave me and have the whore raise my kids as her own. That she had already agreed to do that and her kids would love having more siblings. She was the “love of his life and best friend.” (The new Jared Jewelry store ring twists a knife in my heart every time I see it. – two stones, one for your best friend and one for the love of your life.) Yes, we were in the store and asked me to try it on. It killed me. Finally, due to the fact that I fell into a very deep depression after I found out about the affair the first time I took medicine to be able cope day to day, that I would never be able to be a good mother or be able to raise the kids on my own if I left him. You think that would be enough to make anyone leave, but I am trying to save what little good we have.
He says he is sorry. He said he has told me everything. He is going to individual counseling for the first time saying he also needs to fix/work on himself. Regularly he blames his parents for the way he is now. I can’t argue too much, he is his mother in several ways, but he also chose to be like her – a pathological liar. (Yes, there are in-law problems too. I am the reason for all our problems.) yeah, right, I tell him several times after a visit with his family, yeah, it’s my fault YOU can’t keep your pecker in your pants!
I’m rambling. The main reason I am messaging you is because of the post that had an addendum. Most of the people who know what is going on in my life tells me to leave him, that would or have done it themselves. My life is different than theirs. It isn’t that easy. Yes, I have a good job and income, but we also have bills and a house in an expensive area. Can I move? Yes, but I would have to move farther away from my job to be able to afford something and my commute is already 2 hours. Not realistic to move. Thank you for keeping this blog. It makes me feel somewhat normal when I read what you are going through. I’m living it too. Life isn’t pretty and it isn’t easy to make lemonade – even if people are throwing lemons at you.
I look forward to reading your posts and hope life gets better for us both.
Your story is very similar to mine. It’s been 2 year 1 months since I found out about the affair. How are you now? Did you still stay? I filed for divorce because I felt I will never get over the betrayal and I will never feel the same with him. It hurts too much. But I still love him and sometimes we hang out.
Me and my three young children are still here. I doubt I will ever get over the betrayal. I won’t ever feel the same way about him, either. SWxo
D day for me is a week ago today and I still don’t know what to do. I noticed my husband’s phone was open and the camera function was on so I picked it up to shut off the camera and up popped a text. He had sent a text about waking up with a boner and how her red lips were the only cure and she relied with a “grrrowlll, so sexy”. I read through the previous part of the text and think the worst part is that they also talk about their days and mundane stuff so I know this is more than sex.
The signs have been there for a while now, I realize that reading through your blog and others posts. Never letting me see his phone or sharing the password even though I asked, sleeping in the guest room many nights because of his bad back, never initiates sex and affection. But he does everything around the house, cooks, cleans, yard work, you name it. One of the reasons I married this man was how true blue I thought he would be as a partner. My birthday was this week and he spoiled me rotten, 3 days after I found what will always be known as the boner text.
What do I do, married for 13 years, no kids and I’ve stood by him through 6 years of his unemployment, all the while paying the bills and working my ass off. I Know I can’t pretend this isn’t happening but that’s all I want to do. I believed we had a pretty good life now that he’s back working, off to Hawaii in 2 weeks for the perfect vacation, how do I let him know that I know he’s a lying, cheat? What words do I use? How do I stay in control as I let him know that I KNOW? I’m torn between being so afraid that he’s going to tell me it’s all over, and wanting to pull the plug myself. I feel like I can’t breathe and I have never felt so out of control as the minute I found that text.
GirlWithA Dream, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. That feeling of not being able to breathe is horrible.
First, let me congratulate you on your restraint. The first thing most betrayed spouses want to do is scream their head off at the cheating spouse.
A message on a phone is a sickening way to discover you’ve been cheated on. I still remember that feeling of the blood draining from my face. Time stopped. (Had to laugh at your “boner text” comment.)
Right now, you have the huge advantage of _knowing_ without him knowing you know.
Before you say anything, make sure you protect your money. Whose name is on the account? You don’t want him draining your money if he leaves. Go to the bank the day before you leave and sort it out with your signature. He’ll be stuck until you get back.
It’s going to be fucking hard carrying on normally. In my case, I simply asked him “Who is Kat?”. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know.
Either way, your holiday will be over once you tell him. It sucks.
Stay in touch if we can offer you any support you need. SWxo
I so appreciate your reply and it’s nice to get a compliment to boot. I am calmly trying to gather my 3 P’s before I ask about the text. Proof, Plan and Purpose.
It’s been tough to figure out who the OW is and I have been obsessing about it for hours daily. When I found the text, I raced to my own cell and took a picture of his screen and the conversation so I did get the number. A quick search of the cell number through Facebook brought me to a 20 year male, so it looks like her son and she might share an account. But I still dont have a name. I don’t know if the who matters as much as the what. Fortunately on the financial side, our accounts are separate other than a joint housing account, and today I changed every password I possess. I am calling a lawyer and I might even hire a PI to get more proof.
To even write this sentence feels so surreal. I never thought I would be dealing with this. Some moments I feel like I can take on the world and will be ok, the next I am hyperventilating and paralyzed with fear. Having found your blog and gathering strength from yours and others experiences and wisdom brings a small level of comfort that’s so very welcome in my current state of shock, anger, disbelief and pure grief. Thank you xo
I thoroughly endorse your idea odd seeing a divorce lawyer. You may not know if you want a divorce yet or not, but she or he can map out your options and what the pros and cons are of each. I saw such a professional yesterday and feel better armed to make decisions. Drop by here any time. And please let me know how you go. SWxo
I found out a month ago that my husband has been cheating on me for 8 months. Our son is five and I am 6 months pregnant. He cheated on me through another pregnancy (immediately before this one, that ended in a miscarriage). I found out about the affair six days before my birthday by checking phone records. Even when confronted with a computer screen of calls to and from his phone from her number he tried to lie. We’ve been married for almost 8 years, together for almost 10. I don’t even recognize myself anymore, or him for that matter. We started therapy but can’t afford the one I chose, so I have to find another that takes insurance. He walked out of our last session a half hour into the two hour time because he didn’t want to be there that day and didn’t feel like talking. He never filled out the questionnaire the therapist gave us (I finally threw it away) and I have serious doubts about the future of this relationship. (LMAO – serious doubts is a fucking understatement) He’s still friends with her on Facebook and refuses to delete her for fear of what everyone will say. I started reading your blog entries tonight and just wanted to say it was a good feeling not to feel alone for a change, which is how I feel most days. Crazy how you can have another human being inside you and feel that way. I was hoping things get better with time but after reading your blog I’m not feeling very optimistic.
I’m so sorry to hear that, M. How could he still be friends with her?? Does he have no interest in working it out with you? HE WALKED OUT OF THERAPY?? Sounds like he’s still infatuated with the whore. This is so difficult to go through, especially so when you are growing another human. What will you do? Massive hugs to you. SWxo
He says he loves me, that our relationship and family is more important than the affair. He comes home every night and promises he cut off all contact with her, other than not blocking her on social media. Since he swears it on the lives of our children I really want to believe him, but he doesn’t think he needs to show me his phone and lying to save his ass has become his MO with me when it used to just be with everyone else. Trust is a foreign concept to me right now and this arrangement definitely doesn’t do much for my sanity. The therapist made it very apparent that he should block her, her number, and avoid running into her like the plague. But no blocking of any kind has taken place, he deactivated his social media accounts instead. He periodically logs back on to co-manage a business page with his partner, so don’t see how that’s really effective. And she’s come in twice to where he works two weeks in a row. She used to work there as well and he doesn’t think he can insist she stay away. She’s fifteen years younger than him (12 years younger than me) and has never been married, has no children. I’ve tried to allow for the stupidity that comes with being in your late 20’s but I’m swiftly running out of patience. And I believe he loves me and wants to fix this but he’s incredibly self centered, with a strong narcissist streak so he doesn’t accept responsibility or blame well, which led to the blow up in therapy. So, for the time being, I’m adjusting to being the stupid wife. I don’t know why I feel like I need to give this one more shot. It might be the hormones talking. My best friends are stunned at the way I chose to handle it. I’m a little stunned myself.
It sounds like he’s making some effort, just not the right effort. Blocking the whore is absolutely required. Leaving avenues open where they can reconnect is bad news. And not giving you passwords and access to his phone is bullshit. What is on there? Photos? Chats? Emails? Obviously stuff he doesn’t want you to see. I’m concerned for you, M, I really am. And a new baby will complicate things, not magically bring you both closer together. You’re in for a hard slog. I wish you strength. Please drop in from time to time and let us know how you’re getting on. Stay nourished for your baby. Love and hugs to you. SWxo
Thanks, I will. And thanks for the blog. It’s grounding, if a little surreal, to read my thoughts from someone else’s mouth.
I’m still in shock that I’m here. The rage, pain, sadness, and obsessive thoughts have almost killed me. June 22, 2016, I hacked the phone and found the texts and the ugly old hairy vag pic. July 23, 2016, I listened to the recorder hidden under the couch and heard that he’s still calling her. Now? Now, he’s ready to give us a fair chance….whatever that means. Almost 5 weeks and I still don’t think he’s cut it off. Why put the family through this? Why fuck me over like this…after 2 kids…21 years together…and being my friend since the 4th grade?? It’s been an emotional affair but the dirty talk and ugly pics means they want more. It still hurts like hell….I’m in the stupid wife stage.
My husband admitted to me that he had cheated 2 days ago. I saw him passionately make out with this woman 5 months ago and I let it slide, we were all super drunk. She’s so ugly that I wasn’t threatened. He tells me 2 days ago that it happened again, same married woman, but this time it went further. He actually had his hands down her pants. We have 3 kids. I can’t financially provide for myself as I only work part time. I’m feeling trapped. I don’t want to even look at him. I have randomly cried every few hours. I feel so stupid.
Hi Danielle, I’m so sorry you’re in pain. Everything sucks when you’re dealing with affairs. How are you coping? SWxo
I just discovered your blog (?) and I’m glad I did. The way I discovered my husband cheating on me was when I found a conversation on his phone and this was after I gave birth to our 2nd child (June 2016). This was a few months ago in July 2016. Unfortunately, we are still together. I hate him. I feel dead inside for him. I have been asking for a separation but he won’t agree. The other woman is his coworker (divorced with 2 kids in college, 2 yrs older than him). He tells me nothing physical happened but part of me truly does not believe that. He’s a nurse and works at nights so who knows. They have the same schedule. He said they dont talk like that anymore. I don’t trust him anymore and surely don’t believe him 100%. An affair is an affair to me whether physical or emotional. Never in a million years did I think he would do this to me and when I was pregnant! I told him this is so typical. Husband cheats on pregnant wife. It is now November and thoughts still appear in my head of what he said and wrote. How he felt. One of the things he said to her “even being married I still think about you all the time”. Im so sure that something physical had to have happened. Why cheat?! Why not just leave your spouse. He even said “dont get me wrong, i wish it could be more”. Its too painful. These thoughts just pop up in my head even more so when he’s at work. I told him to go be with her already, thats what he wanted. I don’t need this sh*t from him and have to worry for the rest of my life.
Hi Hannah, you’re at the stage where everything is so very raw. I know all about husbands who cheat on their pregnant wives. And you’re right – you just feel dead inside, like someone gutted your insides out. The sad thing is that at a time when you should be enjoying your newborn, your heart is so very heavy and sad. Babies sense these things, too. My little one can’t stand my husband. I used to tell my husband that he cheated on me and our baby. The pain is still there and I doubt you ever really get over that. Thank you, Hannah, please feel free to drop by any time. Hugs to you. SWxo
I hate it, the feeling is the worse ever. We probably get judged by friends and family why we stay. What you built for 22 years is not easy to just drop and let go. I am going through the same thing. I have good days and bad. The bad never leaves my mind. I have no self esteem, I’m very insecure and do not trust my husband anymore.
I feel exactly the same way. We had been married for 22 years when I found out about his 4 year affair. It’s been 27 months since I found out and feel I will never get over it. I hate myself for not being strong enough to leave him.
I am new to this site. My DDay was two years ago last September, but my husband’s affair was 9 years long. We have been married for 25 years and his married AP had been married for 19 years, with two children (aged 1 and 3 when the affair began). She spent more than half her married life having ‘fun’ with my husband. It’s a long story – but we are still together and he is working very hard at the changes he had to make to be a better man and a better husband. The whore and my husband ended the relationship immediately I found out (via text messages popping up on his computer) and it was like they flicked a switch and turned it off – which only hurt more. It meant NOTHING, it was all for nothing and my husband risked everything … for nothing – a bit of fun, sex on the side. Her husband still does not know and her life goes on untouched.
Tell him. What do you have to lose? SWxo
Hi Marti,
I think D-Day was close to the same time for us. My husband did the same thing yours did – when he was found out it was like a switch, he was done with her. It still troubles me. I have even asked him out right exactly what you are probably wondering. If it was me, could you just turn what we have/had off like a switch? The answer took him by surprise and he fumbled his words. At first it was never, then it changed to yes, he finally settled on no, because I am the mother of our 3 children. He said it would be hard to turn the feelings for me off because he would have nothing without me. So convincing, right?
On the other hand, about the other woman able to live her life untouched…. I felt that was not right. I did some research and found out her husband’s name and email through LinkedIn. I did a little bit of prep by getting all the emails and texts that remained (which was easy since my husband saved them all from the beginning 10 years ago). He used a “secret” email account and Facebook account under his “assumed” name. I did screenshots of what I couldn’t print as a PDF. The. I made one big PDF. I contacted her husband and told him briefly who I was and why he was hearing from me. I told him that I tried to put myself in his shoes and decided that I would want to make an informed decision on what my future would be. I wanted him to be able to be a part of what his future looked like, not letting her make all the decisions, especially about him and the families future. I would hope he would do the same for me.
After the initial anger, he thanked me and told me that he appreciated letting him make an informed decision on what his future would look like.
I hope this helps. You are not alone! I am not trying to tell you what you should do because everyone is different, I just wanted you to know how I made peace with a small portion of the hurt. There is still a lot of hurt, but I know I am not holding the anger that she got off scott-free
And someone else is living the worst kind of lie I had for so many years.
Good luck! Remember you are not alone and others are in the same boat you are in. Lots of love and prayers are coming towards you. Hug your children. It is one good thing and memory that came between out of the marriage that the other woman can never have or take away from you.
Jen
Hi Marti,
I think D-Day was close to the same time for us. My husband did the same thing yours did – when he was found out it was like a switch, he was done with her. It still troubles me. I have even asked him out right exactly what you are probably wondering. If it was me, could you just turn what we have/had off like a switch? The answer took him by surprise and he fumbled his words. At first it was never, then it changed to yes, he finally settled on no, because I am the mother of our 3 children. He said it would be hard to turn the feelings for me off because he would have nothing without me. So convincing, right?
On the other hand, about the other woman able to live her life untouched…. I felt that was not right. I did some research and found out her husband’s name and email through LinkedIn. I did a little bit of prep by getting all the emails and texts that remained (which was easy since my husband saved them all from the beginning 10 years ago). He used a “secret” email account and Facebook account under his “assumed” name. I did screenshots of what I couldn’t print as a PDF. The. I made one big PDF. I contacted her husband and told him briefly who I was and why he was hearing from me. I told him that I tried to put myself in his shoes and decided that I would want to make an informed decision on what my future would be. I wanted him to be able to be a part of what his future looked like, not letting her make all the decisions, especially about him and the families future. I would hope he would do the same for me.
After the initial anger, he thanked me and told me that he appreciated letting him make an informed decision on what his future would look like.
I hope this helps. You are not alone! I am not trying to tell you what you should do because everyone is different, I just wanted you to know how I made peace with a small portion of the hurt. There is still a lot of hurt, but I know I am not holding the anger that she got off scott-free
And someone else is living the worst kind of lie I had for so many years.
Good luck! Remember you are not alone and others are in the same boat you are in. Lots of love and prayers are coming towards you. Hug your children. It is one good thing and memory that came between out of the marriage that the other woman can never have or take away from you.
Jen
NUMBER 1
Remember this!!!!
The cheater is a worthless, dirty, scum sucking bag of shit. And you are a good person
NUMBER 2
YOU DID NOTHING to cause the low life to cheat
NUMBER 3
You are now living in the same house with an individual with no integrity, morals or principles.so act accordingly.
Try very hard to NOT let this disgusting person control the rest of your life
Say whatever you want to say. Any way you want to say it. Fuck him and his pleading begging bullshit. He didn’t care about your feelings so you DO NOT have to be nice
NUMBER 4
Try to be SMART. I mean he’s been faking his life with you– now it’s your turn.
Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel good about yourself. FUCK him
And any therapist who gives you “work” to do –fuck the therapist too.
We are all different in what will help us forge ahead–so figure out each day something that will help you and do it.
Its been 10 months since I found out and I still cry almost every day. We had only celebrated our 3rd anniversary a couple of weeks before he started his EA and I was actually in a horrible post partum depressive state during his affair which of course I didnt know of a social worker at our sons pediatricians office put me under a suicide watch and that didnt even stop my husband. IMAGINE how worthless I felt. Like my life literally didnt even matter to him. UGH. I hate all of this. I DOUBT every single thing out of his mouth. He cries everyday as well and yes he has changed he reads every single day on how to help me on how yo help our kids how to communicate how to help me when I get triggered etc I wish he had made these changes before 😦 Have you ever spoken to the OW? I did the night I found out as she was the one to inform me of what was happening. Only to find out she went through the same thing and im amazed at how she could do it to someone else. We are about to celebrate our 4th anniversary and are taking a trip to Mexico to “celebrate” alone. But most days I say I dont want to because it terrifies me to think I may be staying in a marriage that could harm me more in thr future.
Hi I’m shattered two discovered my husband cheated I’m so hurt and don’t know what too do.
Thank you so much Jen.
This really helps. I am still so entrapped by the consequences of the affair, so deadened by it.
It’s good to know there are so many of us who stand together in this online space, and sad at the same time. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Hugs and prayers to you too.xx
Marti
Having been cheated on a 6 mths pregnant. Then bringing my son up completely alone. I understood everything you’ve been or are going through. I hope you get some light xx
I understand you completely
It’s maddening. The pain is so great. The insignificance you were to the one person you were suppose to be everything. It’s been 6 months since my d day. Hiding to together for my three little ones 4,2 And one. Never ever did I think this could happen. And living in silent torment. There feels like there is a constant pressure in me an unrest. It’s misery.
Hello Blindsighted, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. My children were a similar age when I discovered my husband’s affair so I know exactly what it feels like. The insignificance cuts very deeply. How did you discover the affair? SWxo
He works out of town. 5 on 5 off. He changed… stopped caring. Treated me awful. He finally got his transfer so we could live together and bam started an affair out of town while waiting for the transfer date. Guess he thought it would be temporary so OK. Told her that and everything. But she is a sucky person and obviously low self esteem and thought she could change his mind? Liike my kids would just move on in with them and they would pretend to be the brandy bunch? Obviously She didn’t think clearly. We never went there. Its like we didnt exist. She has had mult affairs, one lasting 10 years!!! She has kids from dif dad’s and he even caught an std from her… we went from a beautiful wholesome family to a bad episode of Jerry Springer. I googled Signs of cheating one night bc I just couldn’t understand how someone could be so mean and change so drastically. I was giving everything to him… I thought he was stressed out at work. Nope. He had all 10 signs. Every. Single. One. So I confronted him for weeks. His transfer happened two days before I found out…. I guess that is good… cus he was living with her down there by the end and now he wasn’t. It was suppose to be a drama free affair and no contact after he left… except for the occasional visit or “coffee” if he had to come back up for work. Well when you treat a crazy whore like u would a wife… They might want to try to keep you. I think she tired to get pregnant with him. He is brilliant and didnt use protection. I don’t know if she is and I’m spiralling out of control again because of a blured picture i saw of her. She looked fat. She contacted me for a while but that has stopped thank goodness. I dont want to contact her bc i feel thats what she wants. I absolutely dont want him to. I dont know how to find out. I’m with the asshole because of my babies. He knows how stupid it was. She is no prize. Just skinny with boobs. And a better cook j guess cus during the affair that was one thing he aleays put me down for. Oh and she owns a cateting service. It was some sick fantasy he became consumed with… And a jerk to all of us cus his guilt would not allow him to remain as close as we were. We were happy but granted it was a stressful time… we just had our third baby. But they are all babies. And the sweetest things on the earth. All i ever wanted was a family. Now, I have this. How to move forward? I dunno. Juat get up and breath and find the joys in my kids. I hope they never know… I don’t want to tell anyone. It feels like I have a life sentence with the devil now. If there is a baby in all this… i just dont know what I’m going to do. I wish I could be strong like some of these woman on here… at least I can tell a bit of my story and get it out and read others and know these feelings of extreme loss is normal. I am normal. And not crazy for all the sadness. And know it will take longer then any of us want it to to fade. I just wish he didn’t. I wish I had my innocent marriage back. And i could look at him the same… not with disgust and hate.i want peace.
I don’t want to ever celebrate my wedding anniversary after
My husband afair with a woman 12 years older than him it gets me sick to my stomach.i spoke to this women she tells me that she slept with hi
Twice at motel 6 I feel like a dumbass ass .. for remaining married to this man..some days I look at h with hate ..his excuse us that it was because we were separated for these 4 months ..and that he thought to that we were never getting back together..
I’m working on sending you an e-mail.
Just found out my husband cheated on me 13 years ago. I’m devastated and feel so broken .
It’s been 2 weeks since he came clean. Everyday feels like I’m trying not to suffocate.
13 years ago?? Why has he “come clean” now? The feeling of suffocation, of not being able to breathe, of feeling like you’re going to pass out — all normal.
And sadly that ‘broken’ feeling may take years to pass.
I will respond to your email.
Hugs to you.
SWxo
Sent you an email. Thanks for sharing your story.
I’ve replied to you. SWxo
Hello from Illinois. I have been married to my husband for 13 but have lived together for 16 almost 17. We have a daughter together. I am a stay at home mom due to homeschooling our daughter. He has cheated on me so many times I have lost count. He sends nude pics to other women and they send him pics to. He sits up late at night just to do this. He will ignore my texts most of the time. Says he loves me and how lucky he is. I had thought he had changed cause I didn’t find anything on his phone. He wasn’t leaving and being gone for long periods of time without me. Well he is back at but this time is very shitty to me. He doesn’t know that I know. I use to think it was because I was overweight but I’ve lost 35 pounds and he is still doing it. I hate feeling like I’m not pretty or good enough. I hate feeling awful. My heart hurts feel like it’s in a million pieces. Don’t know how to trust other people. I constantly think people just lie and have bad intentions. I try to not show it to my girls and try to be happy but it’s hard. Especially now during the quarantine. I know he is stupid for what he is doing and it’s not my fault but it’s hard to get my heart to understand that. I have no idea what I should do. Just feel lost all the time and I hate that cause once upon a time I was not this person.
Are you sleeping with him or near him during Covid19… I sure wouldn’t, if he’s still meeting up with his posse of fuck buddies. Here’s what I learned from my husband’s affair: You weight has nothing to do with him cheating, nor do your looks, how you mother, how much you earn, your skin color, your anything. This is about him and how he hates himself. I’m going into year four of recovery… if I had to do it again… I’d tell him to get out and work on himself for a year or just have filed for divorce. But my circumstances prohibited that til now. Long story… sick young adult child; disabled teen child. He’s a sex addict. Get yourself a good therapist, don’t try to “work on the marriage” because it takes 2 to do that and he clearly doesn’t care to and get yourself into a more emotionally stable place for yourself and your child. Imagine you are your daughter years from now and she was telling you this about her spouse..how would you advise her? Would you tell her the crap he’s telling you or you are telling yourself…that you are responsible. I sure hope not. Give yourself the same kind of sympathy you would give your own child who was betrayed. Was your marriage perfect?… probably not. Few are. Mine wasn’t. But did he come to you first to fix it before seeing other women.. probably not. He decided to go outside the marriage to fix something in it… that was his choice and decision only and you are not responsible for that. Do not look to him for your emotional or spiritual or practical stability. The hurt and pain is so real and horrible … all I can suggest is tons of self care and I highly recommend Al Anon… even tho’ my cheating spouse is not an alcoholic.. I am a adult child of one and it made my discovering his affair (by accident) even worse and affected me more. Al Anon has worked wonders. I wish you the best and just be kind to yourself. Model self compassion to your daughter for each of you…her and you. And don’t listen to his BS attacks and gas lighting and blame. Walk away, take a drive, tell him to move out… anything to save your sanity. Stop caring what makes him tick, stop asking “why” did he do this..he did cause he could and thought he could’t get caught and stop beating yourself. You are married to an asshole who put his selfish needs before yours and your families. Me too. End of story. Be well and stay healthy. Hope this helps or at least made you laugh in recognition. Peace.