affair, cheater, cheating, cunnilingus, husband, infidelity, marriage, wife
I did it.
Last night after the kids had gone to sleep, I lay down in bed with my husband and talked. For hours.
I told him I knew about Audrey and that he had cheated on me while I was pregnant.
He said, “I know, you forwarded the emails to me.”
Huh? I did? Yep, sure enough I had. Guess I was more rattled than I thought when I found them. Facepalm.
I stayed calm.
“How did you feel reading them back?” I asked, ” Because I’m having a hard time reconciling that you now, and you then, are the same person.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head.
“I can’t believe it either,” he said. “I read those emails and it was like a stranger had written them.”
“You were cheating on me while I was pregnant,” I said calmly. “Throughout all the therapy we underwent, you never once mentioned this Audrey. You told her you wanted to explore with her, spend the night with her, lie to me to be with her!”
“I know, I’m sorry. I told you that over that period, I had spoken to lots of women online.”
“I know,” I said. “But come on. You weren’t just speaking with her. You met her — for an early morning coffee!”
He said I could ask him anything I wanted, so I spent the next 20 minutes asking anything and everything I could think of about the mysterious Audrey.
I learned she was the one that cut off contact, he wasn’t intimate with her, and he didn’t even like her.
“Her English wasn’t very good,” I said, for no particular reason.
“She was Asian,” he said, and I burst out laughing.
My husband might like perving at long-legged blondes or brunettes in short skirts, but has never, ever shown any interest in women from the East.
“You didn’t know that before you went to meet her??”
I knew that to be true, as in the email chain, she refused to send a picture or even describe what she looked like.
His expression when he laid eyes on her that morning at Starbucks must have been priceless.
She sent him no messages after that date.
So as we lay there talking, I looked at the man I feel in love with 26 years ago and saw the lines etched deeply into his face.
After a long purge from both of us, I felt at peace.
Except for one little thing.
I had to tell him about Lorna.
In her last email to me, she threatened to expose me to my husband if I didn’t permanently remove this blog from the internet.
There was no fucking way I was taking this blog down. And I sure as hell wasn’t giving her the opportunity to out me.
“I have to tell you something, too,” I said. My voice was trembling.
He looked at me.
“Don’t say what you’re about to say.”
“How do you know what I’m about to say?”
“I can just sense it. You don’t have to tell me anything.”
“Yes, I do,” I said.
I took a very deep breath and began.
“Last year, I developed a crush on someone I worked with,” I said.
“I told them, but they weren’t interested and no relationship came of it.
“But what it did tell me was that I wasn’t dead inside.
“I’m telling you because they threatened to tell you and I couldn’t have you finding out like that.”
He watched my face as I spoke.
“Where does that leave us now?” I asked. “Are were committed to staying together?”
“I know I am,” he said. “I feel sick when I think about what I’ve put you through the past four years. I don’t deserve you.”
Well, that much may be true.
Here’s the thing: I know my own inner strength now.
Him cheating again, or even these additional revelations, won’t break me. Not again.
I’ve come a long way these four years. The marriage still has its ups and downs (more ups) but the overall projectile is upwards.
I love him.
And even though I thought it was all over last year, I stayed because I had not definitively decided what I was going to do.
“I’ve never loved anyone else,” I told him softly.
“Me either,” he said.
I snuggled into him.
Later, we made love, and I crashed out at peace with myself, with him, and our future.
i am so EXTREMELY HAPPY for you – YOU are strong, smart, and amazing! So glad you took your time and said something on your timeline and terms. Best post EVAH – lol
blooming shadow said:
Well accidentally forwarding the emails as the perfect way to tell him you found out about Audrey! I’m happy that you were able to talk about it from a position of controlled calm and it worked out like it did. Well done 🙂
on the up?Jaki said:
Wow you are truly amazing and I’m so happy you are working through this all With You Husband.I also agree that we can never be broken again like the first time .AMAZING💪
You’re being open, honest and communicating with each other. Thats love and intimacy. When we’re angry we’re blinded by it. You don’t sound angry anymore. Good for you and your husband. You’ve got through the storm together 🙂
Amazing to read, thank you for sharing that honesty and vulnerability : )
Yay! to courage and inner strength 🙂
Isn’t life complicated! Your struggles have helped others to realise that their emotions are not ” abnormal” in the situation they found themselves in and that it is a huge roller coaster of conflicting emotions and that each person has to find their own way and cope in whatever way suits them.
I am very happy for you and reflect on your feeling that it was over but now the bond which clearly was and is between you has emerged strongly once again. I hope you and your husband can very much be ” in ” your marriage together and that he can now love and cherish you as he promised all those years ago. Probably you have both learned huge amounts about it taking so much more than love to make a marriage work and that you both( and your children )Will be each other’s highest priority.
You give me so much hope. You are the best!! 🙂 I am curious though, does your husband know about your blog?
Natalie doil said:
SW, I’m new here (and new to the Betrayed Spouses club), but I wanted to let you know how very happy I am for you. You have put a lot of time and effort into staying in your marriage, and you deserved for that very difficult conversation to go just the way that it did. These are incredibly hard things to discuss, and it seems you both handled it respectfully, sincerely, and honestly. It seems this is a big corner turned for you both.
I have also decided not to leave my husband… at least not right now. I think we have a long road ahead of us, but I remain cautiously optimistic most days. (I have to actively work on that mindset, or else I fall into a chasm of sadness.) I also blog about it. Whether or not anyone ever reads it, it’s therapeutic. I still cry every day, but I’m trying to look ahead. I’m trying to remain engaged with my children and with life in general, but it’s hard when I’d prefer to not get out of bed most days.
My DDay was two months ago today, and until 3 or 4 weeks ago I had no idea that blogs like yours existed or that there was an entire supportive community out there. Finding your blog was truly a light in the darkness and I cannot express my appreciation enough. I mean that. I’m literally on the other side of the Earth from you and yet your words and experiences have given me support, caution, advice, and now hope. Thank you for that and I wish you and your family the best.
I love this post so much. You are so wise and strong. I hope there is only peace ahead for you both! Love is clearly there.
Can you give me your email address SW. There’s something I would like to ask you.
Hi Kate, you can find it on the About Me page. SWxo
Forever Broken said:
Dear SW, I am happy you have found peace with your husband. I think in many ways I can relate to your story, but I am 2 years behind you in my own recovery. Forgive me if I am not far enough along to appreciate your situation, but….one thing I am struggling with is that you forwarded the emails to your husband and he never said anything to you? So, he knew that you knew the truth and must have known this new information would be hurtful to you, but he did nothing- waited for you to bring it up first? Shouldn’t he have come to you and said- “I’m so sorry! Are you OK? Can I help you get through this?” BUT NOTHING! He never came to you to discuss or to see how you were feeling about this new discovery?
This is a huge trigger for me, because my husband never wanted to initiate conversations about his flirting or emotional affairs or even apologize – even when he knew I was aware and struggling. He just hoped I wouldn’t bring it up and hoped the problem would go away. Of course, it didn’t go away and required LOTS of deep and honest conversations. I was always so hurt that he didn’t seem to care enough to even ask if I was OK or how I was doing. That avoidance was very hurtful to me. I needed his support and he was only concerned with how he felt in the situation- his own selfishness! He is better about initiated those kinds of conversations now and will ask if I am OK if he senses that I’m distant or struggling, but that has taken a lot of work. I know men don’t want to face their problems and think avoidance and denial is the answer; but I would hope after 4 years of “recovery”, my husband would handle things differently? Otherwise, have we really changed, do we really have a better relationship, and is there really hope that he would be different the next time? Or does he want to remain quiet and hope I don’t bring it up? Does he care about me or more about himself?
Sorry to be negative when you are in a good place, but this is a trigger for me.
Brilliant writing, I get what you’re saying. I hope that soon, Your H will hold your face in his hands, and you will hear: ” I know.”
BPD Bella said:
Awesome story, despite my husbands affair, I chose to stay with him. Most of my friends/family couldn’t understand why. My reasoning was although he had screwed up big time, he is my everything, so we both vowed to do whatever it took to overcome it. Good for you and best wishes! xo
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m just coming up to the one year anniversary of finding out about my husbands affairs and really struggling to be honest. But your blog gives me hope and reassurance. Thank you x
Hi Jo, how are you feeling after a year? I find myself in a very ambivalent place lately. It’s been just over five years. I’m not invested in the relationship but still all living under the one roof. SWxo
Hi I know this was last year. But when you wanted to be with the other person from last year 2017, weren’t you separated from your husband?
Yes, but still living under the same roof.