D-Day (or Discovery Day, as it is known in affair circles) is where this horror story begins. It was the day I discovered my husband of two decades was having an affair with a married woman, and my life, as I knew it, ended.
If you want to read my sorry saga from Day 1, you can begin here.
BS = Betrayed Spouse said:
Hi, I came across your blog looking for answers sadly. I caught my husband having an “emotional affair” so he says on October 10, 2014. We were just coming up on 20 year wedding anniversary. We been together for almost 22 years at that time. 3 kids (2 adult children and 1 still at home). I am very sorry that you are going through especially with small children. You are very brave to share this blog.
Hey BS, thanks for stopping by. How did you discover the affair and how long had it been going on? How are you coping? SWxo
So alas today is the 1 year anniversary of d-day and the day my father in law was laid to rest. This week was difficult, but I’m relieved to say much easier than last year. Now I just feel a numb type of sadness. It doesn’t help that my husband remembers no dates and that he was a grumpy asshole all evening. I just couldn’t stand him tonight ugh…Sigh, time to sleep on this side of the pond. Hoping it gets easier from here on. Strength to us all. xx
Having a really tough day today…just reaching out if anyone is online right now. I think I need a virtual hug. So tough to go through this…
Sending you big hugs and positive vibes, Katie. You are not going through this alone. My thoughts are with you. SWxo
Thank you SW…sometimes I think it might be easier to just give up. I can’t go on living like this, it hurts like hell…
Hard to get up every morning and do things…I just want to lay down and not feel the hurt anymore… 😦
And breathe... said:
Wow, just wow. I’m 46, married 20 yrs, together almost 28. 3 kids, one about to launch. My husband confessed to a 6+ month EA on New Year’s Eve 2013. So 2014 sucked, while I decided I wanted to reconcile and became an Amazon expert on all issues emotional affair related. Boy, was I thorough! The married OW was his employee, very gross, simple, ugly, crass, unrefined, not very educated or bright, 4 kids, 2d marriage (left her first for his brother) blew sunshine up my husbands ass 24/7, and it felt so good that he needed to be in touch with her and respond to her even if he was with his family, sitting next to me on the couch, taking me out for my birthday dinner. Because it was only an EA, he continued to work with her in his mother’s business after his confession. They never professed to love each other. My mil of course had to be told, which husband did, and she decided that keeping the reporting structure the same was the best decision. She’s a marital therapist, for fucks sake. I wrote mil a note asking her for emotional help (therapist, remember?) in February 2014. I have yet to hear from her. Did hear from the mow who asked me if we all could sit down (including her husband) and discuss how this was an ea. I’ve never had contact with her and didn’t respond. I did contact her husband and told him what I knew.
During the affair, he treated me like absolute shit. Everything was my fault. He booked therapy for us and talked about how ungrateful I was. His last call before our sessions and the first call after was to mow. Who he of course denied was an ap. the therapist knew, she wasn’t an idiot, and my h is not a brain surgeon. I cried about my marriage the entire time. He stepped over my body as I sobbed and texted his mow as he walked out the door. Who the fuck was this guy?
September 2014, a few months after husband finally terminated the mow, who never let up by the way, on our 19th anniversary, husband admits it was a physical affair over 6 months. And I start over. I have never felt so foolish or humiliated or ashamed in my life. I lost my shit. 9 months of him raging that I knew the truth, that std testing was me being emotional and dramatic, why couldn’t I believe him? Again, my fault that I thought the lies he was telling me were lies. Makes your head explode.
She was basically going no where in her professional or personal life, didn’t feel like taking care of her 4 kids (her hubby did). She viewed my h as a way to blow job her way into a better tax bracket. She was willing to leave her family. That’s what freaked out my h. He didn’t have a lot of respect for her, but he hated how she treated her family. Ironically. He was embarrassed to be seen with her so hid her like a common whore. No meals, no gifts. No trips, no flowers, no nice hotels. Ew. She has tried contacting him in the last 15mos. He has told me/showed me and he has never responded. He’s ashamed.
So here I am, 12 months almost to the day of knowing the (?) truth. Spent my 20th anniversary in agony of shame. I feel like leaving, staying, running away, all at the same time. I’m not proud of my husband or my marriage. The mow is not in the picture (as far as I can ever be thoroughly sure of anything again) and I’m not who I was. Im still obsessed with her. She has a loose reputation in the industry and now works 2 crappy jobs instead of a managerial role. She’s not younger, I’m attractive, well educated, loyal and honest. Never been jealous in the relationship, ever. I feel flat, nothing. I feel no highs unless I’m with my kids, who rock.
My confidence is gone, my spontaneity is gone. When he does nice things for me, which is often, I feel nothing. Why should I get excited about it? He asks what I need and I don’t know. He tells me that in order to reconcile, I need to open myself up a bit. This is 100% true, but I spent most of 2014 completely vulnerable as I agreed to reconciliation, completely open to him and our marriage, and I was lied to the whole time about what I was trying to accept and forgive and move on from. So now I need to do it again? He’s doing everything he should. But I don’t trust him. Is he doing things so I think he’s sincere? Or is he sincere? He’s scrambled my intuition and inner sense, so I don’t fucking know.
Not sure why I felt the need to write this out, but I think a lot of your blog resonates with me. I’ve lost a marriage, trust, my in-laws (who h and I both agree are friends of h, NOT friends of this marriage). People I thought loved me and had my back for almost 30 years (and repeatedly told me as much, over & over) are strangers to me, the enemy even. This is a tough week, I get to ask myself if I would have walked down the aisle 20 yrs ago if I’d known what I was in for. The answer is no. I’m so embarrassed and humiliated and ashamed. I’m glad people here get it.
After a night of arguing with my husband I once again turned to this blog, to the people who understand that the betrayal of a spouse shakes your world in a way nothing else can. I came upon your story and I felt your pain. My d-day was also in 2015. My husband and I are still together and we have some “good” periods, but I can’t honestly say that I have ever been the same since I discovered his affair. I often think I should have just divorced him and gotten on with my life four years ago. My husband, like yours, claimed at first that they “just” went out for drinks, texted, talked on the phone. Such BS. Little by little more and more of the truth came out. How are you and your husband doing? My husband keeps telling me to put it behind me. He says it’s over and that he wants to rebuild a life with me, and I say that I do too but sometimes I think maybe deep down inside, I’m really feeling why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who betrayed me, trashed me, preferred someone else over me and ultimately made me feel about as low as a person could feel. I agree with you, if I knew then what I know now I NEVER would have married him. I understand the pain you went through and hope you’re doing better.
It’s been just over a week since I discovered my husbands affair, which he says was never physical but I have no reason to believe that is the truth. I found out over a year ago that he had been sexting another woman, while constantly rejecting me. It hurt more than anything and I nearly left him for it, but I thought what we had was special and I didn’t want to “give up on us” (the words he uses when he’s trying to convince me to stay) just before our one year marriage anniversary I found a note in his phone that was a response to an online ad. I confronted him about it and He looked into my eyes and promised that he hadn’t sent any emails, he would never hurt me that way.
Then I found out he’s been sending emails throughout our entire relationship. He told these women he was talking with that he wasn’t getting what he wanted at home. The only reason he wasn’t getting it is because nearly every time I would try to get physical he would reject me, and not usually in a nice way. He promises that he’s never actually met up with anyone, but I would be stupid to believe that. I chose to believe when he said he hadn’t sent an email, then I found out he had lied to my face about that, and he’d seemed so sincere. He says that the reason he lied was because he didn’t want to lose me, if I knew for sure about anything physical then I would already be gone. And that is why I don’t believe that he never met up with anyone.
The day that I found out, I sold my wedding ring. It was just a reminder of the promises he’s broken. The times he’d made the decision to make random strangers on the internet feel sexy while neglecting his wife. Keeping it hurt too much. Even if I decide to stay, our relationship will never be the same, the ring felt tainted and I couldn’t handle it.
He’s acting as if selling it hurt him as much as his actions hurt me. He tries to make me feel guilty about getting rid of it, he can’t seem to understand that if I stay I’ll have to get another one, one that doesn’t remind me of all the times he looked into my eyes and lied to him.
I guess I don’t know where I’m going with this post, I’m just so lost and confused. I found my soulmate, the love of my life..and I wasn’t enough for him. I don’t see how I can ever trust him after this.
Hello Hurting, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. It’s devastating to discover your husband has been cheating. It must be excruciating when you’ve only been together for a year. Feeling lost and confused is absolutely normal. You’ll lose sleep, you’ll lose a shitload of weight, and at times you’ll feel you’re losing your sanity. Even 22 months later, it still feels so raw and helpless. There is a wonderful community here to support you. As you move through my blog, you’ll hopefully realise what you are feeling is not weird or crazy or unreasonable. I hope you find some strength here. Being married to a serial cheater and liar is exhausting. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
It’s been five weeks since dday. The only people I have talked to about it is my mom and my sister. I have used up my resources with them though. They are sick of my problem and tired of hearing about my pain. They change the subject quickly to something else. This leaves me feeling crazy and ashamed and down right pitiful. I’ve been married for 15 years. After the birth of our second child six years ago things took a nose dive. I began feeling like he didn’t really care for me anymore. Sex became a chore and I didn’t like it. He would get very angry. So last month I found out about his affair. I feel heartbroken and severely depressed. I feel responsible for what happened. I don’t know what happened because at one time we were so happy. I have a past sexual abuse (as a child). He blames all of my problems on that and says he has to suffer because of what happened to me. My parents did not stand up for me when I was a child and made me continue to visit my abuser and even made me hug him. There was a non time when I spent the night with a friend and woke up with her brother’s hand in my panties. I feel like I ruined our marriage but at the same time I am so passed at my husband. He was the only man I ever trusted and now that trust is gone. I feel like he threw me away. I have now placed him in the same category as my abusers. I can’t even begin to heal. I wanted comfort from my husband the other day cause I felt so lost. He held me and we ended up having sex. Afterwards I experienced panic attacks the rest of the day and fell into a deeper depression. I don’t wanna be here. I would never kill myself but I told him I wish I would just die in a wreck. I hate myself.
Hello K, thank you for sharing. Five weeks after D-Day is still so very fresh. I remember sinking into a very deep depression before the anger set in. The anger can stay for much longer than that feeling of sadness and hopelessness.
Feeling crazy and ashamed is very normal. I have been there, too. I felt at one stage that I should have myself committed. I couldn’t function. I was a weepy mess. I had three children under 5 to look after. I struggled with how cruelly unfair it all was. The pain is raw and cuts deep.
It’s not something I’ve ever disclosed on my blog before, but I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Feelings of being betrayed by someone you know are compounded. It took a long time to accept this.
As for hating yourself, this too is normal. Blaming yourself for choices HE made is futile. He could have spoken to you, you could have discussed your marriage, your feelings, but no. He took the easy way out, the COWARD’S way out, and had a relationship with someone else. Direct the hate where it belongs.
Do you know how long the affair lasted? How did he find her? Is it over?
You are welcome here any time to vent. Love and hugs to you. SWxo
how can i contact you privately? Do you have an e-mail address? Very important. Thank you
Sure, write to firstname.lastname@example.org and leave a message back here telling me you’ve sent me an email. SWxo
I sent my email today. Coyotee…. that one
She worked at Lowes. He would get off of work at night and go visit and talk with her. They ended up repeatedly hooking up at hotels. He has told me that he is not in love with me. He is staying so he can see if he can muster up some feelings for me while I work hard tying to be a good little wife. .. taking care of him. Wearing fitted shirts instead of baggy ones, giving him good sex etc. I’m tired of trying to win his love especially after he has cheated on me. I’m going to apply at a chappy low paying job and move me and the kids out. It’s gonna suck. But he should love me as I am.
St. Elsewhere said:
What you are doing is called the ‘pick me’ dance, and believe me, it is a common thing. I hope you have booted him out already.
And that you have gained some financial independence by now.
Hi I seem to fall in to a category i never knew existed. Coming up to a 20 year anniversary my husband sent me an e-mail saying that he felt it best if we go our separate ways. We had been living apart due to one of our kids needing to attend school in a different country and the child would not have been able to board due to the learn gin difficulties. This was a decision we had reached together. we were in our fifth year of living apart seeing each other during school holidays and whenever he could get away from work during term time.
He fobbed me off for almost six weeks saying not to come to our home where he was and that he would come to us as soon as he could, lots of excess about work and a failing business venture which was actually true ish! He finally came to “discuss” our issues at least this is what he had said he would be doing. But when he arrived he simply came to deliver the same message. He wanted a divorce. I was shattered beyond belief. I asked him many times since that first e-mail was there something else, someone else and his rote answer was “this divorce has nothing to do with anything else”.
He was leaving a couple of days later having gone to visit our older son in another part of the country. That morning a friend called to say he had been seen with an asian woman four months earlier looking very cosy. I called him as he was boarding his flight and he fumbled made excuses that he couldn’t hear me and hung up. We spoke the next day and he continued to deny things, whatever it is that you think you know….. I then got further evidence that he had been bringing a woman to our home for almost a year on the first night of the weekend, there was evidence in the bedroom. he would bring her home in his car and drop her off to her hole before the next morning.
So i decided to travel to our home overseas. It took some planning as I still have our dependent child here. Through the support of friends I managed to arrange a trip there. I arrived at our front door and when he answered he nearly dropped throughout the floor. He barred my way into our home, saying it would not be the right thing to do!!!!! Fucking bastard what does he know about right and wrong. He said he woful come and meet me the next morning at the hotel I had booked, yes I had had the foresight to book somewhere else to stay as he had said when he came to deliver his message that if I did turn up he would not be there.
He can the next morning and just continued to justify why our marriage was over and that it had nothing do with anything else. I wanted to kWh how long this affair had been going on and he finally relented when I said I want to kWh how much of my life had been a lie.
So there we were in September 2016, let me put some stuff in chronological order
He said he met her socially then and started a casual relationship with her at he end of that year
Same month, May 2015, he wrote to his dad in answer to his dads questions about the future of the family business that my husband runs. So what are your plans for the future son will you keep travelling back and forth? to which he replied depends on how our child copes with school and how boarding hadn’t worked out but we will look a that again however if by the tender age 60 all is going well I hope to retire with my beautiful wife ……
We had several weeks together with all of our family in a holiday home, no indication of anything unusual
He starts taking this girl, yes girl, he was 53 and she was 28, a Chinese pick up girl! to our home for nights
We arrive to our home overseas, even take a short trip together, we all had a fab time by his account and I certainly though no different
He spend almost three weeks with us here, lovely family time with our older kids, spouses, their partners and grandchild visiting
He comes over again to spend ten days, for our childs and my birthday. I planned trip for us which was full of adventure and fun
We all meet up here to go to the US for a huge family get together, spend three week together and had a ball
After that he didn’t come back for three months, his other business venture was failing he appeared to be depressed and highly stressed
He arrived but was so stressed and out on the edge. It was like waling on egg shells around him. I wrongly assumed it was all to do with the personal struggle of dealign with failed business as this was suppose do the his chance to show his dad and the world that he could make it on his own and not only through some thing that was handed down to him for his dad and was still controlled by his dad to a certain extent eventhough his dad is now 80.
I sat with our three older kids after he had left and tried to put some plan together to help him as we all felt he was depressed and need help and then the bombshells fell. the first one was about the business not he family one, going in to liquidation, I was still processing that one and trying to figure out how we could work through the debts he had incurred, when I got the “I’m sorry but….”
I’m still reeling in disbelief. this man who i was married to, still am of that matter, as the divorce is not through yet, who always appeared to be loyal, trustworthy, have high family values, protective, caring has been replaced by an alien who does a poor impression him.
He had all of our kids visit him in October 2016, he has continued to try and justify his reasons for the affair. The oldest who lies near him believes that we just have to move ones we can’t change anything. The next doesn’t accept adultery, and doesnt want to meet this other person for at least a year if then, the next will probably never want to meet her and the youngest with learn gin difficulties is not emotionally mature enough to make any decisions.
This girl whom he feels he has to protect from his children, appears to be a complete lapdog. She according to him is a kind and caring lady, works as a beautician in ****** has a partnership in a business in China, is divorced and has a six year old child.
From her various Facebook accounts, she works as a waitress in a hotel that is openly known as one of the biggest pick up joints where they live, in one of her account she has many asian girl friends who only have arab and asian men as their friends and those men only have asian girls as their friends. I leave you to make your own assumptions. She set up a new account before christmas and posted a photograph of her with my husband and he condoned it and afterwards admitted to our older son that he knew she was posting it. Our older son was not happy about if on his own level as he had not informed his friends about what was happening with us and was upset at this public announcement. It was just another one of those devastating moments for me, another bombshell, it was then I discovered her actual age as previously i only had vague ideas about her from third parties as he was not willing to discuss her with me.
Now age may not be important to some people but in this case it all forms part of the picture.
He’s about to turn 55, he’s morbidly obese, suffers from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes type II and sleep apnoea. She’s just turned 30, older than his eldest child, what does a young woman see in such man, a future???? Really surely it can’t be the money, lifestyle, the big house (she probably lived in a one room accommodation as that is the norm where they are) the merc and the porsche in the drive. He doesn’t think she’s in it for the money. He doesn’t believe he is the golden goose or at least he doesn’t want to. He thinks she cares for him because she doesn’t say anything to him about what he eats or drinks, about him smoking (he tried hiding it from me for years as he knows how anti smoking I am and his mum and her family died of COPD disease) and about the fact that he doesn’t move, that’s his warped idea of caring.
I believe that this affair is a sticking plaster for him. He has said several times that he feels like running away to a beach following the other business collapse and i think she is his beach. He has run away from me and to a certain extent from his children. He has not been prepared to sit and talk to them like adults, in fact he ruined that opportunity with our third child as he scoffed at her when she privately ranted at him back in October at that get-together. He believes that in time we will all just move on, he doesn’t wanton admit to the devastation and destruction he and she have left in their wake. He tool me back in September that he is going to be selfish now! He leaves it over a week sometimes before speaking to our youngest child was prepared to go four months without seeing him because it meant that he couldn’t have our child in the same house as his “friend” because she had nowhere to go and he couldn’t rely on how our youngest wood react to her.
How long does it take for a man like this to come back to his senses. He can’t live in this dream world forever and when he does he is going to come thundering back down to earth with a God almighty BANG.
Im still in the number stage and as much as I try to keep it together for our kids and myself, I get upset at the slightest things. I know i should depose him for what he has done and sometimes i do, but everyday i miss him and at times feel sorry for the mess I believe he has got himself into. Other times I just think I’m going completely mad!
Your blog has been like reading my own story! My husband of 16 yrs carried on a four month affair with a married co-worker. I knew her and her husband. They had even been to our home before. I was so betrayed. I found out by reading some emails when I used his iPad. Thank you for being so candid. I am 10 months from finding out and the pain is still raw. I,too, have good days and bad days. I decided to stay. We have a tween daughter. I feel like I hate him most days.