Fuck me, tonight I had a revelation. It came to me as I was making the kids school lunches. As I was spreading the butter on the bread, it hit me.
Here it is: I will always be the stupid wife.
I will always be the wife who saw her husband on his phone all the time and never suspected anything untoward.
Even when he was taking the phone to bed, into the bathroom, sitting outside in his car, I never suspected anything that would annihilate our marriage.
When I read the message on his phone that night which would shatter my core belief in absolutely everything, reality hit me like a dump truck unloading a full load of bricks on top of me.
How could I have been so fucking stupid?!
Now, 16 month later, I am STILL the stupid wife. Still fucking here. He fucked me over, and I’m the one still here trying to deal with the shit.
I have, in effect, given him tacit permission that what he did was not bad enough for me to leave, and that he’ll probably fuck me over again at some point in our marriage.
I remember telling my mother-in-law about the selfish actions of her son, and her question to me was: “Is he leaving?”
I wanted to scream.
IT’S NOT UP TO HIM! IT’S UP TO *ME* WHETHER *I* WANT *HIM* TO STAY.
I’m the stupid wife because I suspected nothing, and then when faced with the raw reality, still decided to fucking stay.
Is it really so fucking noble to want to stay so that your children don’t grow up in a broken home?
I don’t think so. To sacrifice yourself for your children is what a parent does.
Do I care if my husband cheated on me? Do I care if he does it again? Obviously not, because I’m not willing to give up and go anywhere.
I’m still fucking HERE.
Anyone looking at me would say: “God, what a fucking stupid woman. She busted her husband cheating on her and still decided to stay with him. She deserves everything she gets.”
And don’t I know it.
Because I WILL ALWAYS BE THE STUPID WIFE.