They say most betrayed spouses take around two years to get over the worst pain of an affair, “to heal”.
I don’t believe you ever heal.
But as I come up to three 3-year anniversary of discovering the affair my husband was having, I can honestly say the worst is over.
In the past 6 months, my husband has had life-saving cancer surgery, I had a lengthy consultation with a divorce lawyer, and my doctor bumped up my depression and anxiety medication up to 150mg of venlafaxine.
I don’t think the three things have much to do with each other, but they are the most significant things to have happened recently– and they have all affected me to different degrees.
What I can say is that today, I feel different.
I am not angry all the time.
I have accepted the affair happened, and the part my shortcomings played in our marriage.
Whatever those shortcomings were, the responsibility for choosing to have an affair rests entirely with my husband. He had other options but took the coward’s way out.
Following the affair, my husband has been extremely remorseful and apologetic. He absolutely does not want our marriage to end and is committed to doing anything I ask. I have passwords and logins to everything. He is home on time and no longer “works late”. He is no longer on his phone non-stop.
I will always be sad that our marriage as I knew it is over, and I spent a large part of “healing” coming to terms with that.
We no longer celebrate our anniversary and I don’t see that ever changing.
On the bright side, I feel normal again. My children have their mum back.
Don’t ride the criticisms of the naysayers saying you should leave your husband. The decision is yours and yours alive. Nobody else is standing where you’re standing.
Recovery is ongoing but I’m in a different place now. It took almost 3 years to get here, but I’m here.
If you’ve recently discovered your husband was cheating on you, your mind is in much turmoil right now.
Take it from someone who has lived through the shitstorm you’re wading in that it won’t always feel like you’ve been run over by a truck.
Right now, you are in the eye of the tornado, with a million thoughts swirling around your head at lightning speed.
You will get picked up and dumped somewhere totally unexpected every single day.
If you don’t know whether to stay or leave, don’t feel rushed into making a decision. Stay until you feel it is right for you to go your own way. No-one is forcing you to decide. Bide your time until you are sure.
I can tell you that the storm does eventually ease.
You will still have days when you feel like shit. But they are the exception, not the norm.
I hope I’ve given you some hope. You can read my story ‘From The Beginning or D-Day‘ to see how far I’ve come and how many rollercoaster rides I took along the way.
The journey is long and shitty but at the end, you get your life back.
I feel like myself again.
And I wish the same for you.