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Shattered By My Husband's Affair

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Shattered By My Husband's Affair

Monthly Archives: Jan 2015

Hello 2015, Please Be Kind

08 Thu Jan 2015

Posted by shatteredwife in Uncategorized

≈ 55 Comments

Tags

affair, affair infidelity trauma husband wife betrayal diet, betrayal, cheater, cheating husband, D-Day, emotional affair, husband, infidelity, intimacy, marriage, recovering after my husband's affair

It’s a new year and therefore a new start.

For people who’ve been cheated on, the start of a new year signifies a way to say goodbye to a shit-filled year, and hello to something that’s hopefully an improvement.

At least, that’s what it means to me.

I must admit I feel a certain amount of hope as 2015 gets under way.

On the second day of the year, I sat down with my husband and had one of “those” talks. A talk about our future, where we see ourselves heading, how things are shaping up.

We tend to have these talks in the dark after we’ve put the kids to bed for the night.

In this case, it was the middle of the lounge room floor. Late. In the dark.

I had been trying to talk to my husband for days leading in to the end of 2014, because as I said to him, “there are some things I want to leave behind in 2014 and not drag into the new year.” As it happened, this wasn’t to be. It was now late on January 2.

(Although we hit rough seas after weeks of being on even keel, 2014 ended on a fairly sober note. He didn’t go to his work staff awards night party, which I was happy about, and even more glad he didn’t go to his band Christmas party. Both are serious triggers for me and he recognises and acknowledges their effect on me.)

So as we sat on the lounge room floor, I eventually spoke.

“As you know,” I began, “I spent a lot of time in 2014 thinking about whether I wanted to stay or go.”

“I know,” he said.

“I had to work out whether I wanted to stay in this marriage and be miserable, or go and have a shot at being happy.”

“Is that your only choice? Staying and being miserable?”

“I’d like to be happy one day, but I don’t see that happening any time soon.”

It was dark, but I could see his head was hanging in sadness. There was silence.

“In any case,” I said, “I don’t want to leave.”

He let out a huge sigh of what sounded like relief.

“I love you,” he said. I didn’t respond.

“We have so many good weeks that give me hope, then you go and do something stupid that sets us back MONTHS, ” I said.

“I know, ” he said. “I’m sorry. What can I do?”

“You can stop drinking alcohol for 6 months. Do you think you can do that?” I asked.

He didn’t hesitate. “Yes, of course.”

And so everywhere we’ve been since January 3 has been alcohol-free.

Having my husband drunk and doing something stupid is one thing I don’t have to worry about at the moment. I cannot tell you how freeing that is. My husband never drinks at home, only when we/he goes out. For now, I needed him to not drink for a while. My mind needed it.

He is trying to to do whatever I’m asking of him. And for that I am grateful.

Tomorrow marks 14 months since D-Day. And while I’m no longer a complete emotional wreck, I still have plenty of down days, down moods and down energy.

Anything he can do to change that is a positive step.

The New Meaning Of Music

05 Mon Jan 2015

Posted by shatteredwife in Uncategorized

≈ 91 Comments

Tags

affair, affair infidelity trauma husband wife betrayal diet, betrayed spouse, bryan adams, cheater, cheating husband, emotional affair, fuck, hate, healing spouse, infidelity, music, paloma faith, ray parker jr, recovering after my husband's affair, sam smith

“She says her love for me could never die.

That’d change if she ever found out about you and I.”

Oh, how many times I have sung those lyrics! The song is Run To You, the singer is Bryan Adams.

It’s devastating how discovering your husband was cheating on you changes the way you hear lyrics, changes their meaning, their effect on your soul.

The next line in the song goes:

“Oh, but her love is cold.

It wouldn’t hurt her if she didn’t know.”

What was once one of my favourite songs is now a source of pain.

Songs I loved bopping around to now anger me. How could I have sung these lines so oblivious as to their meaning?

Then there’s Ray Parker Jr, ‘The Other Woman’.

“I’m in love

With the Other Woman

My life was fine

Until she blew my mind.”

The song also contains the lyrics:

“Now I hate to have to cheat

But it feels better when I sneak.”

As you can see, I came from a decade of wonderful pop songs. This music fills my library. Music that once brought me such happiness and found solace in, is now a landmine of triggers.

I picked up the new Paloma Faith album recently. Some of the song titles include:

Can’t Rely on You

Only Love Can Hurt Like This (great song)

Other Woman

The Bigger You Love (The Harder You Fall)

Love Only Leaves You Lonely

It’s the Not Knowing

Poor Paloma. They are song titles only a betrayed spouse could have come up with.

This is messed up.

Which is, I suspect, why so many betrayed/healing spouses relate to Sam Smith.

Here is ‘I’m Not The Only One’.

“You and me, we made a vow

For better or for worse

I can’t believe you let me down

But the proof’s in the way it hurts.”

I could add more but I’m going to stop.

What songs did your partner’s affair ruin for you?

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