I hadn’t seen my good friend Tina in several months.
Tina and I have known each other for twenty-odd years. We both entered our industry at the same time in our early 20s and have remained good friends throughout the years.
I gave Tina a call and asked her if she’d like to meet me in the city for lunch.
I needed to talk to her about ‘things’.
Tina had divorced her first husband after a relatively short period of marriage. She was now married to a great guy with two young children about the same age as mine. Our families often did things together.
The next day, I met Tina at a café near my work and had a pretty delicious meal.
But it wasn’t the right time or place to discuss the ins and outs of divorce.
I only had an hour for lunch and it flew by.
I told her I had something I wanted to ask her about and I’d text her.
Later that afternoon, I sent her a message saying that I was separating from my husband and that I needed her help and advice, as she had previously gone through the same thing.
“I can’t help you,” she said.
Huh?
“Last year I cheated on my husband and I’m doing whatever I can to hold this marriage together. I’m not in the frame of mind to help you with separating from your husband.”
It was like she had slapped me in the face.
And she was a cheater!
Well, ain’t that karma for you? Just after I began this blog, a mistress left a frivolous comment and I blasted her.
“Don’t be so sure of yourself,” she wrote. “One day, you’re going to find one of your friends is a cheater, or it may even be you.”
I laughed in her face.
And now, here I was. One of my good friends had cheated on her husband with her boss, a doctor, and she was now the one making all the moves to hold her family together.
She was the equivalent of my husband.
My heart sank.
A friend I had confided in couldn’t help me.
She categorically wouldn’t help me.
Be she would be there for me to talk to and support whatever decision I made.
Grand.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
I had a friend, I thought was a good friend, and I had cried about the misery I was facing every day due to my H’s affair. One day she told me that she has had multiple short-term affairs with married men. That was not the only thing. She had no remorse. She said it was their problem as she was not married!
I could not be her friend anymore. I also had not the guts to tell her why. I just dropped her, but it killed me on the inside. The no remorse and her selfish justifications were a killer.
Loyalty and integrity is important to me, and I know that my values also harm me as I want to live by them and avoid those who lack these. Despite the fact that it makes my social circle smaller, I do not want it any other way.
It sucks to find out how widespread the ugliness has infiltrated people’s life’s.
and then there are those who react to the pain done to them and that is not good either. It is situational and reactive, and someway justified, but still not good. I am guilty of that. Big time and I hate myself for it.
Take care Shatteredwife,
xxx
Thank you for sharing, E. It’s such a rotten way to ruin a friendship. I won’t be confiding in her again. SWxo
It is a rotten way, I agree. I am bothered by it too.
xxx
I’m so sorry this happened to you, E xxx.
The OW in my situation has also had multiple affairs with partnered men. And no remorse. In fact, she told me I was the problem as I obviously could not ‘keep’ a man from ‘straying’. Because apparently that is your job. Policing your partner. This from a POS who had never had a relationship last longer than six months – in her 50 years on the planet. They’re just oxygen thieves
Oxygen thieves, haha… And yes, as if policing our partners is what we’re supposed to do. How about they just not fuck anything that moves? Ugh. SWxo
Yes, well said. The lack of remorse is so hard to deal with. There is nothing what stops them.
…and the one who was after my husband idem dito. Can’t hold on to a job, can’t hold on to a relationship but had many affairs with married men (with kids) and she does not give a shit.
Those people…with no empathy no remorse, who just keep on going make our world a miserable one.
Shattered, as you know, I left my wife after she cheated on me with male nurse at work. Oh, she thought she was the cats pajamas,telling all the girls at work how wonderful her affair was, how awesome….
And now? Now she got caught, now she begged and cried and pleaded and told me all her sorrows and it would never happen again….I laugh. I her face. Why?
Because no one likes a cheater in their midst, as, if you’ll fuck one married person without thought of their spouse or yours….you are a danger to them all. After all, easy comes easy goes!
Now her work colleagues ostracised her to such an extend she basically is being told “you are not welcome amongst us.” ….. and they told my ex, to her face, that they all sided with me, and she should ponder on just who ‘put the condom in the washing so your husband would find out…’
Never trust a cheater, not once, never again. That’s a would d they can never heal.
Wise words, Ian. How funny that the work colleagues probably considered her a risk to their own marriages! I wonder if she sees life differently now? SWxo
When I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a married, mother of two work colleague (I filed for divorce and their affair turned physical), I confided in two close friends only to find out they had both had full-blown affairs. One had marriage-ending affairs twice and remarried the AP both times. The other couple has been together since high school and I’ve known since childhood (they’ve reconciled). It’s so much more pervasive than people realize.
When I first found out I was sincerely curious about their side of the story and surprisingly non-judgmental. If not for that I would never have attempted reconciliation with my husband. It’s been over two years since we reconciled and it’s mostly good – sometimes I even think I’m actually over it and her – but Then something will trigger me and I think I’ll never “get over it.” Even though hanging on to the negativity lets her win and remain part of our marriage in some way.
Glad to have you back!
Whether you choose to confide in her again or not I find it amazing that she showed up in your life. Although there are many cheaters or other women/men who don’t give a fuck (as other commenters have mentioned) there are also a lot of good people who made bad choices. I would challenge you to learn from those around you rather than ditch your friend over what she did. She is obviously trying to repair her marriage now. I would bet that if we all fessed up there are quite a few infidelities going on around us all the time. Those people are still our friends, family, and coworkers. They still need our support and it can be rather eye opening to hear from those from the other side, and I know they could learn a thing or two from you. Especially when there is a little distance (not your spouse). I understand she will not help you and I think that’s very good of her to be forthcoming and tell you why.