Tags
affair, anniversary, end of the road, husband, infidelity, marriage, trauma, wife
Since I discovered my husband’s affair in late 2013, I’ve dreaded the thought of ever celebrating a wedding anniversary again.
When he told me post-affair that he loved me, I screamed that a person who loves someone doesn’t sneak around and fucking cheat on them.
I also remember spitting out a short time later that our marriage clearly meant nothing to him and that I never wanted to celebrate a wedding anniversary for as long as I lived.
So this week, when yet another anniversary rolled around (the third since the affair) we treated the day like any other.
My sister (who knows about the affair) and my brother (who doesn’t), along with me and my husband, are in a WhatsApp group. WhatsApp is a chatting app that allows us to swap endless messages and photos without having to send text messages.
When our anniversary rolled around, my brother, who lives in Europe, posted the following message to our group.
“Happy Anniversary to you both. Hope the kids are treating you to a special day.”
I saw the message pop through on my phone and thought “yeah, right”.
I was about to type it in, then figured this was probably a good a time as any to let my brother know what was going on.
So I opened a private message window to him and typed in:
“Hey brother, I should probably let you know that we no longer celebrate our wedding anniversary. We’re practically separated. A few weeks after our third baby was born, I caught him cheating on me with some married skank. We tried to work it out, but it’s not going well. We live together, but we’re not together. I hate his fucking guts.Your sister knows but please don’t say anything to mum or dad.”
I stared at the screen. Even though I could see the words in black and white, I still couldn’t believe this was my life. That I had typed those words. That I was some fucking cheated-on wife stereotype. And did I really hate his guts?
I waited for my brother’s response. At the top of the screen, I could see he was ‘Typing….’ (that’s how it comes up).
And then it popped through:
“So sorry, I had no idea. I hope you’re doing okay. He’s one of the last few people I would thought would do that, but guess you never can tell.
I don’t blame you for feeling like that. I think it would be tough for anyone to let that go.
Hope you and the kids are doing okay, and no worries, won’t say anything to your parents.”
Tough for anyone to let go. Tough for anyone to let go. Tough for anyone to let go. The words swirled around in my head.
I felt the sting of tears in my eyes then warm wet drops rolling down my cheeks.
This was my little brother. And he knew exactly what to say to me, his big sister, in pain. He was wiser than he knew.
My brother will be back home at the end of the year…for his wedding.
All I can hope is that he’s a better husband to his wife than my husband was to me.
I love you, little brother.
xo
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
I have to give you credit. My parents were chronic cheaters for the 26 years that they were together. One would cheat, and the other would get back at the other by doing the same. They lived to make each other miserable. I’m happy that you were the strong one and decided to be dedicated. At least someone took their vows seriously. “Through sickness and in health, I will be there for you.” We hear these words all the time, but how often does it never come to fruition? You are staying true to your vows and staying by your husband’s side through his cancer. I don’t think I could ever put someone in front of me, especially after they have betrayed me. Kudos to you. You are one of the only people I know about that takes life seriously. Rooting for you from Maryland!!!
My Neice got married last summer and as always since D-Day it made me want to scream and tell them to do better than we had. Instead I sat in my seat and bite the inside of my cheek. I find myself doing it often, physically biting down to keep from an outburst.
I’m three years out and will never celebrate my Annivasary again. People have encouraged me to try, to even renew my vows to have different ones. My thoughts? “SHUT the FUCK UP!!” It was my wedding, my marriage and my fucking life destroyed, don’t tell me what I need to try or do. Because even when they say it out of love and trying to help it makes me a little angry.
But my anniversary makes me angry and crazy now 🙂 not a pretty combo for anyone.
Let go of the hate though, my sweet friend, it’s too heavy of a load for you to carry, and you deserve better.
Hugs
Dear SW. I did not comment on your other recent post. I would have been a little too brutal with (sweet naive ?) Toni.
The post above shaked me a little. I saw ” We’re practically separated. […]. We tried to work it out, but it’s not going well. We live together, but we’re not together”. I thought you guys were doing good, whatever “good” means when recuperating after an affair. I wasn’t sure about your long silence from Jan to Jun, I was hoping that this meant you were moving on, together that is.
I don’t know if I’ll be of any help, but even years later, the pain is still there (7years post affair #1, and 2.5 since affair #2). In my case, some things make it worse. I found his email accounts that he used with them. Reading his lies, his words of affection towards other women will always hurt, especially as I still discover “new” (to me) “fun” facts. Yet, we are still together, meaning living, as well as being a couple. A very different couple. I used to admire him, to trust him with my life. This has changed, and will never come back. He hurt me too much, too many times. Yet, he is the love of my life, the father of my children, the person I have been for many years.
Although I could (and still some days think I should) leave him, I am now convinced I would not be happier with someone else. He broke something in me that can not be fixed, like my naive butterfly and rainbow romantic side. If I was blind to things he did, a guy I thought I knew inside and out, I would never feel safe with dating again, trsuting again someone “new”. My scars would follow me everywhere.
I realize I do not sound too positive for staying. I am not defending the “marraige is better after an affair” crap from some therapist.
What I know is that we will always suffer now. Although I am still a bitch to him regularly by reminding him of things he said or did when I have a flash (I know, I should not make him a martyr, but I think I have somewhat of a right to be more miserable), I think I am somehow better off with him. Still. After everything he said, he did, for the things that I know, and for the things that I (still) don’t know (yet?).
Even years later, some days still suck. Sometimes it lasts more than days. Sometimes, I really want to divorce him. Yet he will tell me that he is sorry (now) and that he loves me, even when I am a bitch. I am not sure another man would love me in my good days as well as in my very bad days. Maybe (would I find this gem? Would I allow myslef to trust again and risk being hurt again?). Maybe not.
I send you some deep caring thoughts. Hoping that time will somehow make it better for you, in any way you think is best for you.
U said the exact same thing I feel. That something inside u is broken. It’s like u will
Never ever have ur life back to how u had it … I am bitter. Very very bitter that why did he do this we had everything one could ask for yet he cheated me. Repeatedly. And I still ask why. I hate this marriage but I still love him. He snapped my wings and I will never be able to fly. The pain is there always in the back of my mind in my heart. He may not see it but not a day goes by without crying not an hour without this coming to my mind. I wonder why do they do that. Is like he scared me for life.
I totally hear u. People look at my family and the ones ( veryyyy few) who don’t know this or pretend not to know say we r so good together. Like u said. Anniversaries are the worstttttt. I hate that day. Cause on my 13 th anniversary I had walked out and was on a plane heading for a divorce. That’s how I celebrated my 13 th Ann when my husband showed me his middle finger while I was on the escalator to the immigration. Yet when he says he loves me I hate his guts ! Cause u don’t do this to someone u love. He calls it “the past” and I breathe and live with it I can never be the same person ever again. I will
Never have a man who loved me and only me. I will never have a marriage without fear. I will never be able to trust him again and yet I have a life sentence with him. Cause it sounds messed up but I still love him. I wish I got someone who had the same perception of marriage and love as I did. I spent my youth and the rest will be spent with hurt and regret. I do hear u when u say it’s so tough to let go. It is. Knowing that u r someone he didn’t want someone he fought with cursed abused beat , yet he is my life patner. Such is life !!!
Shattered…I’m so sorry. It is all so fucked up.
I am 2 years, one month and 10 days out from final trickle truth ddays that ended up including four affairs over 25 years, along with porn & masturbation. We are on a road to recovery – real, honest recovery.
But we don’t celebrate our anniversary anymore, because we don’t have that marriage anymore. You know, the sham marriage, the one that looked good but really sucked, even though I didn’t know it.
We haven’t renewed our vows, because I haven’t wanted to yet.
I don’t wear a wedding ring and haven’t since 4/29/14.
I will one day. When I want to and I am ready.
No…our marriage isn’t better. That marriage is gone, dead, buried.
But we have a new marriage, and it is good. It is transparent and kind and different.
I hope this for you, dear Shattered. I hope this for you with everything I am.
HUGS.
Oh much love to little brother!! Mine sucked in supporting me! Our wedding anniversary would have been this Saturday 3 years from DDay! Early on when I was so messed up my little brother told me to forgive him and find a way past it! Fuck that!
Dear SW. I totally understand your pain. I am almost 10 years after the D- day. I never recovered completely.
Actually, I was searching for the word ‘affair’ because I wanted to have one. I wanted to that because I could not find any other way for me to heal over the past 10 years. But I found your blog. I do not celebrate my anniversary either. Even though from outside we look like a happy couple, I consider that I am married but not in a relationship. And the question I ask myself every day is – Is it really worth it? I have the right to feel like a woman, and I think that this marriage destroyed just that. He demeaned the woman in me. I think that is the most painful point of any affair. I wish I was strong enough to divorce, but my children were 10 and 7 at that time. They are on their way to college now, and I don’t feel that stuck with the situation anymore. I wish all the best to you and your children!
Well. You know my story, SW. 7 years out and no longer a couple. However, he is still my best friend and loathes what his actions did. I am with the long termers here. It takes a special kind of person to find themselves fully able to open their hearts fully again. To build something completely new. From scratch. With the person who hurt them the deepest. I tried really, really hard. But I never managed to build anything that came close to what (I thought?) those first 25 years were. It seemed like less. And it really is the hardest decision to let it go. Because letting someone go, to find a happier way of being, does not magically take away the layers of pain. It doesn’t fix any of the hurts. That is a forever process. Healing yourself. And I am now convinced it will never be complete. I am learning to live with the grief, the loss, the sorrow. And yeah. It’s heavy. And I wish often that I had been able to somehow incorporate it into a life with him. He is so sad, so pissed at himself. But he understands. And we are still very close. Take care. Trying to work through the hatred is a priority. Bloody hard!!! But we all know how it eats away at who we really are. The person who loves fiercely. Who cares deeply. Unfortunately, I know that saying let go of the hate is just words and maybe you never will be able to. I know that with hard work my hate has dissipated a lot. But it will never cease to exist, and rises up at unexpected moments to fuck me over! I have spent my 40s scrambling to recover some of who I believe I truly am. I do feel robbed of what should have been my fiercest decade! But still wrestling the beast 💕
Thanks, Paula. I don’t think it’s so much hate as it is resentment. Resentment at having destroyed what was a long, and what I thought was beautiful, marriage. Resentment at having taken that image of us growing old together away. Resentment at having totally fucked my brain up. He, too, is so sorry. But I’ve come to realise it’s not enough. What he does now doesn’t somehow fix what he did. I will forever be with a cheater, someone who felt it was acceptable to betray me, our children. Selfish fucker. I deserve better. I don’t want to be with him until I die, regretting my life wasted. You are awesome to share your story, what you went through despite an apologetic husband, and where you are now. I take inspiration from you every day. SWxo
I don’t feel in any way inspirational, but I will accept the compliment as graciously as I can as I do know that this has been the battle of my life, even at times a battle FOR my life. I try to be kind, loving and … accepting. And it is still constant and mindful work. I am glad you see the resentment. Me too. It’s a simmering anger at the injustice. And it rears up every now and then. I see it as resentment, also. I feel such deep loss of our future, and an almost cancelling of what was truly an incredible two and a half decade love story. I sometimes question it. Did he ever love me? I could never inflict this on him. I loved him so very dearly. Even through those young kid years we both lit up when we heard the other’s vehicle arrive in the driveway. Roger says he still does. Still feels his heart lurch when I come home from work or university. I feel little anymore on the joy spectrum. But I remember the thrill of seeing him. Even across a cowshed pit. We used to kiss and cuddle constantly while working in the least romantic of situations! I wonder if I imagined all of that. But he says it was like that. I am not romanticising a past that never happened. We lost so much in his emotional breakdown. And my former friend has no idea and gives zero fucks. Just another divorce statistic. Get over it. Such a dismissive narrative.
“What he does now doesn’t somehow fix what he did.” OMG – exactly what I am saying/feeling!!
Dear Shatteredwife, I don’t celebrate the anniversary of my marriage as it is no longer there. It is tough as I get the congratulations from the family as they do not know. Only my sister-in-law knows and she is wisely quiet that day. I get it…all the replies…I share the feelings.
We are working on building a new marriage…I have more better days now then a while ago, but I struggle daily as there are so many reminders and that just sucks.
I am sorry you are going through this. I am 3 weeks and 3 days from Dday. My husband’s mistress (Homewrecker/whore) sent me a Facebook message letting me know my husband of 11 years was having an affair. I can not even put into words the shock and pain. I had no idea anything was wrong with him and/or our marraige. I always thought he was the “perfect” husband and trusted him completely. It does not matter how many times he tells me he loves me, he is sorry, and he will never do it again. I am broken.
Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating…. There is just is not enough air in the room to breath. My chest aches. I have trouble eating. I have nightmares… I re-live the moment I found out over and over again. I feel panic every time he looks at his phone. I do not trust him anymore. I got all his passwords and I check his email, texts, emails several times a day. When he is not with me, I imagine the worst. I can not make love to him without thinking of the two of them together. We both are now in therapy and he says he wants to make it up to me and earn my trust back… But HOW?!?! Every time I look at him I see a shell of a man. Not only do I not believe him because the trust is gone… I have lost respect for him.
I am an intelligent, independent, beautiful, kind woman; he made me question this! My first thought was why wasn’t I enough? Was I boring in bed? Gained too much weight after the kids? Was I too busy? THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT. I did nothing wrong. He is the person who betrayed our wedding vows. I don’t know if it is possible to trust him again. I don’t know if I can forgive him. I don’t know if I can ever feel the same love for him. I don’t want to live everyday feeling this way. But I am going to give it some time and see if our relationship is salvageable before I make a decision on our future together.
I seriously would not wish this experience on anyone. It breaks my heart that so many of us go through this. I hope it gets better. The sadness is overwhelming.
Oh Netty. 3 weeks and 3 days in…I was basically unfunctioning. I literally was in a fetal position for several days. Such a fog…my mom and dad had moved in 7 months prior because my dad was dying, and mom could not care for him alone anymore. His sister, my 85 year old aunt, came to visit about two weeks after discovery, and I never left my room. I couldn’t. I couldn’t see through the tears, and could barely make a cohesive sentence.
Be kind to yourself. You are a long way from having to make any decisions other than just to survive. Allow yourself to feel with authenticity. Be safe, and demand whatever boundaries you need for that safety.
Mostly…know that you are not alone. There are so many here that will care for you, and walk alongside you, and allow you to take the journey exactly the way it makes sense for you. We are bound, inextricably, in this path yet our situations are completely unique, and most of us respect that. We just want to care for each other and support each other.
I’m sorry to meet you like this, but just know, you are amongst a tribe of caring, brave, strong women.
Thank you savingshards. That means a lot. I have never cried so much in my life.
My birthday was a few days before I discovered his cheating. He made special efforts for it, and once I uncovered what he had done, I am so mad that I will neither celebrate my anniversary or my birthday (with him). It somehow feels like his treat for me was guilt-fuelled. And in 2014, he was celebrating anniversary with me but they were already flirting full-on with each other.
I am so done!
I tried to reconcile with my ex for three years after his first affair. In that time, he needed to keep an adult friend finder account going to keep in touch with friends*
I found out about another affair several years later. When I confronted him, he told me all about how much I suck. I tried for a few more months to reconcile though intimacy with someone who treated me like that was a lot to stomach. I found out he was still trying to be friends* with his mistress. I finally left. It was very hard, but it was a good decision for me. I’ve realized that I have many good qualities and that I actually don’t suck at all.
*with benefits
Hugs SW… My 24th “Unhappy” Anniversary is coming up in August. Along with that the Skanks birthday is the day before our anniversary, my birthday is 5 days later and my two year Dday mark is 17 days after that. I HATE August. I think I HATE him more. Oh and the Skank hated August also, she couldn’t handle MINE AND MY HUSBAND’S ANNIVERSARY or my birthday, blah blah blah.
I HATE HER ALSO!
Why can’t I get over it??? Why???
So much of this resonates my feelings and thoughts as well. I hate my anniversary and birthday as well. His affair was just gearing up a month prior to my 40th birthday. My gift was a cheater and the vacation of a lifetime I had never had. We had drifted apart b/c he worked way to much and I was extremely bitter. But I always believed it was life and some day life would slow down again and I would be there waiting, then our fairytale love would pick right up again. I NEVER would have cheated on him or even thought about it and the naive me NEVER believed he would either. Talk about guilt gift who plans a weeks all inclusive vacation w/wife when you have a lover?!! WTF.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I honestly HATE my birthday now. I am cringing. when I turned 40 one of the years many women are afraid to turn b/c you are no longer young and sexy or at least it was in my mind didn’t he confirm it by finding a SKANK WHORE to run around with for almost an entire year. He turns 40 this year, not going to lie I often think…..hmmmmmmmmm how should I repay him. I can tell you it will not be with a big party or vacation. Our anniversary is in September and I HATE that as well I feel like our love is just an arrangement, a joke. I love him and he appears to love me and be trying but then again he always appeared to love me even when he was cheating.
I do think I am improving everyday but I am broken. I do not believe I can ever love and trust as freely as I once did.
I am so thankful that I am not alone. I am sorry there are so many of us in pain though.
Be strong everyone!! Love yourself!!
❤ scarred4ever
You obviously need a wake up call. April 19, 2015 is my D day. You get over it,, commit to making it work or get the hell out. I found your blog while I was going through it, angry as hell. The difference is I CHOSE to move forward and not live as a victim, poor me mentality! I check periodically to see your progress and you have not made ANY!
D day and several months after were AWFUL, MISERABLE, but thats when you learn and decide if they are redeemable. Are they truly sorry, are they being honest and forth coming now, WHY did it happen, are there multiple women or a one time deal, did they cut off contact, etc.? Are they making every possible effort or show no remorse?
My man showed remorse, cut off contact, changed his number and gave me all passwords. We discovered how and why it happened. There is never an excuse! We cried many times together and each of us realized we both needed to make changes and communicate better. It was HIS baggage that led up to the affair, not mine!
I have to say it made us look at each other in different ways and forced us to communicate at a level that made us realize it was worth another shot. The experience will never leave you, it either makes you stronger or ends it.
You are making yourself, your children, your family and everyone else miserable. If you can’t get over it, get out!
It sounds like he can do no more to help you through it, to redeem himself, because you won’t allow it. He should have left you a long time ago, you ha
ve no forgiveness, wallow in self pity and thats probably why he turned to another woman, for support. I will NEVER condone affairs, but have you ever looked long and hard to see what YOUR actions have brought into this relationship? If I had to deal with so much negativity, I would have left your ass a long time ago! Poor sucker is wanting happiness, someone to understand and support him and not getting it from his wife and he chooses to stay and has hell to pay for it! He should have left you before he cheated but you would still be miserable.
Beth, good for you if you got over it within a year. Great job, congratulations! Now, some of us, the fancy club of “poor me, the betrayed naive wife” don’t get over it quickly. There are many reasons for that. In my case, his affairs were physical, and even after all these years, there are “new” (to me) facts which keep reopening that already infected painful wound. There are good days, there are bad days. Some of us take time. You do not know what particular situation we live in (I cannot kidnap my kids to get out of the country we currently live in). I read once that the “normal” period is 2 years. yet the author was very clear that it could take a lot longer depending on the particular case (type of affair: E or P, length, discovery method, behavior of cheating spouse afterwards,…). Maybe SW is going through a phase of this ordeal. Especially with the recent news of cancer and anniversary coming up. Or maybe she is taking a different direction now, after realizing she could never cope. That takes time, realizing your love, your dreams are as shattered as your hearts. She was right to give it time anyway. And if this is now her path, then she will have no remorse.
For someone who suffered the pains of an affair, you sure show zero compassion. I guess you should take a good look again in that fantastic mirror that helped you so much already. Maybe there is more for your to see in there. Check your husband too. You never know…
Thank you, Sophie, mega hugs to you. SWxo
Beth, if you took some time to read through the hundreds and hundreds of comments on this site, you’ll eventually work out that you are the exception, not the rule. I am the rule, along with many betrayed spouses who come here for support.
Who the fuck gets over an affair in a year? Less than one percent would be my guess. So before you come here with your better-than-you arrogance, look around you. Do you see anyone else claiming to have completely recovered? There are women here who are 10, 20 years out from the affair and still suffering terribly. Who are you to say we are wallowing in self pity? We are doing the fucking best we can.
If my husband ever wants to leave, he knows where the door is. I’m not holding him hostage. He’s made the decision to stay.
Now fuck off. You have no business here. SW
Beth, you accuse SW of negativity and of not making any progress?
Go reread YOUR post.
You do not mention children, so I am assuming that you and your husband have spent this whole year being able to work through your issues without 3 young children demanding that their needs be met every waking hour, (and UN-waking hours, for the young ones.) You also didn’t mention that either of you had to deal with any other outside interruptions like a death in the family or a life threatening illness, which means that you and he pretty much had the luxury of a whole year of uninterrupted time just for the two of you to work through this. You are a very lucky rare bird indeed.
I think you have been very fortunate to have had enough good days to string together so you can assume you are over it, but it seems pretty obvious to anyone who reads your post that you still harbor plenty of hurt and anger. Instead of spewing it on the deserving target, your cheating husband, you seem to have chosen to vent it on the vulnerable and make judgements on their progress.
We all need to cut some slack here. I am even cutting you some, Beth, because I too have had some good days when I thought “We are past this! Aren’t we special! We’re going to fix this in record time!” But then, out of nowhere, something causes it to all backslide. And for a devastating moment, it even LOOKS like I have gotten NOWHERE after all this time and constant effort. But then, like Sisyphus, I put my shoulder to the boulder and start pushing again, inspired by posts on shatteredwife’s blog.
Some day, we will all get there. But in our own time. At our own pace. There is no safe short-cut up the mountain.
But WHEN I get there, I hope I will never forget how my fellow rock-pushing sisters felt at their most vulnerable. Instead of looking down on them from the rarified air of my mountain top, I hope to reach out a hand to them or cheer them on and inspire them in their struggle to get to the top of theirs, instead of being just another fucking rock in their path.
I love this! Thank you so much. SWxo
I’ve never commented here, only have read every post and related so much to SW journey. I come here because she is writing down my thoughts and feelings exactly and I come here because I need to hear that someone else, all the way on the other side of the world is like me. I’m not alone. Just because you have gone a different path, doesn’t mean that your path is the only one. Everyone feels differently and lives their life differently. Get off your damn high horse or ride it far away from here. You’re not helping anyone and you’re not even adding to the discussion. That’s coming from a woman who is almost 3 years out from D-day, who has stayed and who regrets it every single day. But I’m still here and it’s none of your damn business to judge me or anyone else.
Thank you, Rebecca! Great of you to comment after reading for so long. It’s a shit of a ‘journey’ to be on, but has been easier sharing it with other wonderful women such as yourself. Hugs to you from Down Under. SWxo
“Pay hell for it”? Beth, that’s part of humility, which is absolutely required from someone who is truly remorseful.
SW, I am a year and 3 months out of DDay. Worst year of my life. Like you, I struggle with staying….and we struggle bc we are people of integrity and good character. Those qualities absolutely become our very own kryptonite inside of us when we keep these cheaters in our life. Most days, i wish i could get over it and become a pod person like other ^people^ who “get over it”. But honestly, I’d rather remain true to myself and my feelings. I ca’nt let go of my values and i don’t want to. It’s all i have now that my light, my old self is gone. For me, the struggle is a reminder that my values are intact and always have been. That said, I want to stay w my husband but not bound to him by laws of matrimony. I am pursuing a divorce which i hope will be finalized this year. I am doing this bc I need peace of mind. I need to protect myself. He is devastated but i need to do this for myself and my 3 small children. I can check everything off the list for a remorseful and contrite spouse (including having my name tattooed over his dick!). I love him, but it’s not enough. Maybe, years later, he can win back into marrying him a second time. Until then we will raise our kids together while i will take the steps to protect myself.
I found out a little over a month ago about my husbands affair in 2015-16. Additionally, I recently found out that he belonged to Ashley Madison and AdultFriendFinder 2011-2015. I am crushed.
I also found out he had a secret folder of pictures of muly chest, my ass. naked, sleeping, taking a bath, bent over drying my hair. I never knew he took and kept. Like WTH? Right?!
Now we are both in individual counseling and he has started group 12 step for pornography addiction.
I have decided to stay. To give him one chance to get help. He willfully signed a contract with me saying if he cheats again- he is out and I get to keep the belongings and our child. He agreed to pay alimony and child support and give me the house and car.
The worst thing is, I feel so alone. I don’t trust him at all. My sister and best friend are all “judgy”. My sister is super mad I decided to stay. And my friend thinks my husband is a piece of shit. Si now I have no one to talk to but my therapist who I only see once a week.
I am worried there is something wrong with me because I have chosen to try to make it work. I am worried I am flawed because I resumed sexual relations with him and I enjoy the sex very much.
I am bouncing between anger, sadness, denial, bargaining, and acceptance. I am doing much better than I was a month ago, but I still feel off balance.
Someone please tell me I am not crazy.
Oh Netty, you are soooooo NOT crazy! Everything you have described is absolutely 100% normal. I must say, that’s the first time I’ve heard of a husband taking naked and voyeuristic photos of his wife. I hope they haven’t ended up on some photo swapping site. How long did the affair last and was it with anyone you knew? It sounds like you’ve drawn up a sweet deal. I haven’t heard of someone doing that. I hope it works. It sounds like he has a lot to lose. You will feel off balance for a while yet. There are no shortcuts. You will go from loving the sex to absolutely hating it. There will be no rhyme or reason to it, so you’ll feel like you’re going crazy all over again. Work through it without expectations. Take your time. No one is rushing you. The road is long. Please drop by any time if you need someone to talk to. This site is full of wonderful women who have been betrayed and are battling on. Love and hugs to you. SWxo
The physical affair with a real woman started in Febuary of 2015 and ended in April of 2016. (I looked at the phone records.) She told me about the affair via Facebook message. We were not Facebook friends. They started sleeping together in September of 2015. He said they only slept together a few times Sept-Nov of 2015, the rest of the time it was just mainly texting, calls, and emails. I don’t know if what he told me was true since he is a liar. But the emotional affair is just as hurtful as the sexual affair.
I met her in 2013 because our kids were on the same soccer team. We said hello to each other and that was it. A week or two later, I had found texts from her on my husbands phone asking for a play date with our kids, and I had a bad feeling about her. (She is a single mom with 2 kids from different men. She is 6 years younger than me and has a rock hard skinny body) I told him “if she wanted a play date she should text me” not him. I asked him to tell Her to stop texting him. And he said he did.
Surprise! I found out they used to date in 1999-2000 before he met me. He was like and she was 19 then and she already had a 2 year old.
The funny thing is, I am a very attractive female of 42 years old. I look 30. I am hour glass curvy. And I am intellegent and kind too. We always had sex often and I am open minded to try new things. There was really NO reason for him to cheat.
He said it was not my fault and he has issues. But it is difficult…. Sometimes….I am wonder what did I do wrong?
He has signed up for individual therapy and joined a men’s support group. He gave me all the password to his emails. He deleted his Facebook. He is closing his bank account and opening a new one with my name on it. He signed a detailed contract. He told me the only way for him to try to save our marriage is complete transparency. So he is trying to earn my trust back. I told him that could take years.
I love my husband. But sometimes I hate him. Yesterday was our 11 year wedding anniversary. 😦
I am glad I found your blog. I need to see that I am normal and not alone. 🙂 thank you!
Absolutely, emotional affairs are just as devastating as sexual affairs. Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. It sounds like your husband is trying to do all the right things. That is very positive! It doesn’t mean that you won’t still have bad days. At some stage, we have all asked ourselves ‘what did I do wrong?’, especially in the early days after discovering the affair. And celebrating wedding anniversaries after an affair is a joke as far as I’m concerned. What is there to celebrate? Unfortunately, you are not alone in the affair club. Come here as often as you like. You will always find support here. SWxo
Hi all, I am always amazed at how similar my situation is to so many others out there, especially ShatteredWife. I only have one child and he is ten years old, but apart from that there are so many similarities. They do like the attention they get from the AP and the ego-stroking is probably the main attraction. Yes most of them say ‘I love you’, after they get busted, but somehow it doesn’t ring true anymore. To myself and all the faithful team out there, we could not betray someone we love. So what is it? Do they love us? Yes I think they do, but not enough. Not enough to stay faithful and say ‘no’ to their own sneaky,decietful behaviours, desires and needs. Love is about what you give, not what you get. They are too tied up with getting their needs met without considering ours. They are sorry…especially sorry that they got caught, but yes, some of the WS’s do have genuine remorse. It is not that long-lasting, or deep as the sorrow we feel after being betrayed.
They want us to get over it and get on with it, but that is not so easy. Not impossible, but not easy. Yes that’s right, I said not impossible. I believe it is possible to be happy again in a marriage after a person has cheated, because some people have done it, not many but some. I am not in that group yet and not sure if I will ever be, or if I will leave the relationship. I am nine months after D-Day, followed by three months of trickle truth, and still not sure how much is hidden in his secret pool of slush. The slush is the secrecy, the resentment that festers and leads to their feelings of entitlement to cheat, and the illusionary love they had for the AP. Funnily enough his love for her evaporated in a few days once I busted him. He says it was infatuation, and yes it probably was, but it sure looked like he was in love, he acted like he was and felt like he was, so whatever you call it, it destroyed me for a while. I am like most of you, not the same, forever changed by his betrayal, living day by day as best I can.
The good news is that I am starting to feel better. Not about him or our marriage, but about myself. I have started doing some work to be more independent and was already studying to add to my qualifications. I have started to smile more, but still have the bad days. I am feeling happier when with my son and planning activities with him again more like I used to. My happiness now is not hinging on the WS and what he does, it is about me. I never thought enough about me before, and always came last, but now I see myself as just important as everyone else in our small family.
I don’t feel intimacy with him anymore, we went through the hysterical bonding, but that ended after a couple of months and the cold light of day crept in. I don’t hate him, but I will never love him unconditionally like I used to. Our sex life is changing, after the HB I felt nothing for a while, but now I am starting to feel some pleasure again sometimes. I am feeling something when we hug. We have been together 12 years and I had trusted him so much, that i was completely blindsided by his affair. On his part he cut off contact immediately, committed to trying to make things better but still doesnt quite know how. He is a better husband and father, but still wants to ignore what happened and not talk about it. He is starting to see that will not work. We are both seeing a counsellor, and he is still lying sometimes, to the counsellor, me and himself. He is such a liar and I can’t believe i never saw it before this. It’s almost pathological. He lies to make himself feel better, but i makes me feel worse. His lying has decreased since the beginning and now he even recognises and will admit when he is ‘minimizing’ but doesn’t admit to lying.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I am aiming to be truly happy again, whether with him or without him. I plan to walk down the street and smell the roses, and feel joy being out in the sunshine with my son. I am enjoying music again and my favourite at the moment is Wild Belle – Dreamland. I do mindfulness practice as a Buddhist and this has helped me more than any other thing. I have given talks on this to many different groups and soon will prepare one for people dealing with infidelity. I am sending great compassion and my positive regard for everyone out there who is in the same, very overcrowded, boat with me.
Take care all of you, especially ShatteredWife, I am wishing peace and joy for you,
Leona BSc (Psych) Grad Cert (Loss Grief and Trauma Counselling)
and guess what? These qualifications didn’t help me one bit. I knew what the trauma was, but had to go through it the same as everyone else 🙂 I will be finished a Masters soon, and hope I can help people going through this.
Thank you, Leona, for sharing your story. I definitely smiled when I saw your qualifications. I always wondered if psychologists suffered like everyone else or whether they had a secret arsenal for dealing with shit like affairs.
Think how absolutely amazing you will be working with betrayed spouses going forward. I applaud the work you have done on yourself. I haven’t quite gotten there myself, but working on it. Love and strength to you. SWxo
I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of my DDay. Still with him, still struggling. What I would like to get an opinion on is this, for a while I have had a feeling my best friends husband is having an affair. I have recently gotten confirmation via phone records and a few other things . My friend has absolutely NO clue (kind of like me a year ago). So what would you do? Tell her? Keep it to yourself? Tell him you know? I find it a hard spot to be in, I wish someone told me instead of me finding out purely by accident but is is it my place to get involved? It’s pretty emotional for me as I know (as we all do) exactly how she will feel when she finds out. It’s super hard to be around her when I know, feels like I am lying to her, she also does NOT know about my husbands affair. I look forward to any suggestions opinions you may have. Thx in advance
That is an impossible position to be in and I don’t think there’s any right answer… Both options will end up hurting someone. But can I ask why you haven’t told your best friend about your husband’s affair? I told mine after a week or two and she has been an enormous support for me. If you told her about your situation, do you think it would make it ‘easier’ to tell her your suspicions about hers (but only if you have indisputable evidence)?
A friend told me a strategy that she got from a divorce lawyer that has a high success rate of getting a cheating spouse to admit to an affair. Both partners agree to meet and they each bring a trusted witness but the cheating spouse does not know why. In the presence of these witnesses, the betrayed spouse then announces that they know that their partner is cheating with a named person (eg. “I know that you are cheating on me with John. I know that you and John have been secretly meeting up after work.”)
Apparently, if you directly name the other person several times and there are witnesses present the cheating spouse will more likely confess (it is awkward but wouldn’t you rather know the truth than go crazy with their constant denials?). This strategy worked for my friend’s own daughter.
I know many of us would want to deal with infidelity in private but according to the lawyer, he’s seen it be used many times and something about it always makes the cheating spouses crack and come clean.
This is just a suggestion as to how your best friend could approach the issue, Holly. Whatever you decide to do, I just hope both of you get the support you need from loved ones. It really help.
Hi Holly, thank you for your message. I’m sorry you are amongst our ranks. You are in an extremely precarious position. My answer is always tell them but please be 100 per cent certain. How did you get your friend’s husband’s phone records? What is the other irrefutable evidence you have? This is a soul-destroying journey to be on, and you don’t want to send anyone on this path without knowing what you’re doing. Her immediate reaction will be to not believe you, and think you are either lying or have misunderstood something. I suggest you do it anonymously so your friendship doesn’t get trashed. SWxo
Hi, well my husband and my best friends husband own a business together and all 4 of our cell phones are on the same account. I realized recently I could actually look at the bills including his…I could see the number he calls constantly and also that he was in Mexico for a week when he told his wife and my husband he was in a completely different location (and country) “for work” so he was not only lying to his wife but also my husband. My husband confronted him and he admitted to it and claims “he’s gonna end it” which I am pretty sure just means he will make sure we can no longer see his phone bills. He doesn’t know that I am the one that figured it out he thinks just my husband knows. I realize now I can’t really do anything because he will know or will most likely come to the conclusion my husband was the one who let her know, even if I did it anonymously. So a shitty spot to be in not much I can do? today is my one year d-day anniversary so not my best day to say the least. Thx for taking the time to respond to my comment.
Holly, if it was you, you know that you’d want to know! How would YOU feel if your best friend knew about your husband and kept it from you?? What if he’s fucking some low-life whore unprotected? Your friend is at risk of contacting God knows what. Find a way to let her know. Send her an anonymous message if you have to. You cannot in good faith sit idly by. You will never sleep well again. SWxo
I do not know. You are in a tough position. I would ask my therapist to direct me.
Do you think it would be better if it came from her husband? Is there any way you could talk to her husband and tell him he needs to tell her?
I wish my husband had told me.
Thank you so much for this blog. Its been 14 months since my D-DAY. I got a private message from “the c.u.next.tuesday” (my word for her) telling me she’d been having an affair with my husband. He’d finished it so she wanted a way to hurt him. Anyway i still can’t believe im another statistic. He says it was just a cheap thrill – bastard. Reading your blog is just exactly how i feel and nobody else knows how you feel.
Hi Jo, I’m sorry you’ve joined our ranks 😦 No one has any idea of the complete devastation an affair causes unless they’ve been their themselves. It’s often a futile exercise trying to make others understand. I hope you find some comfort here. Love and hugs. SWxo
I just read your whole blog. Thank you! It’s helping me much to wrap my head around this. It’s less than a week since I found out. My husband struggles with alcoholism. Most people don’t get it because even when he wasn’t “sober” (or pretending to me he was) few saw him fall down drunk, or how cruel he became in those situations. He hid his decent, bottles of vodka on the way home because it smells the least. My family didn’t even get it because everyone thinks an alcoholic is only someone who is fall down drunk al the time, blowing up their lives. His dad drank like this, holding down a great job his whole life, coming home and verbally abusing everyone. My husband didn’t do that, but I could tell when he was struggling because he would start getting more snappish. Actually, my grandfather who I only met twice was pretty similar, an engineer at an aerospace company who drank and whored around, but was beloved by all for his charm.
All this started several years into our relationship, while we were still dating. Before we got married, he had quit drinking and promised to keep it that way, went into therapy, seemed to struggle but really mean it and seemed to do well, not perfect but well. I am the naive idiot who had many flags and ignored them all.
To the rest of the world, my husband is absolutely a “great guy.” Funny and charming and a good husband/father. He has struggled some with sobriety, staying in therapy, but I always suspected that he didn’t really mean it and secretly thought I kept him from being able to have beers with friends at social functions. (He admitted that’s how he felt last night).
Two years ago the company he worked for went under and he lost his job and turned 40 at the same time. He was miserable. I did all I could, offered to throw him a party, which he turned down. A few months later he got a new job that involved travel. I was nervous. Really nervous. Since then I’ve often checked his phone etc. Nothing.
A few days ago, I saw he’d sent himself a photo of himself shirtless after a workout. Ok, ewww, but I looked through various folders, and in one the email thread expanded and there was another email address he’d sent it to… livtoplezu. I confronted him without telling him what I’d found and he admitted he’d been sexting, answering ads on Craigslist (if you don’t have that in Australia, it’s like answering an ad in the back of a porno mag) and had started up an online relationship with someone, someone he’d masterbated over Skype with twice (according to him). He’d also been using a chat app to try to find local women to chat with which he said he didn’t get anywhere with and had answered a few other ads and set up meetings but never gone. For a day I was so upset and reading lots of articles. I sent him one about how the trickle of info is so much worse because I knew he was still lying to me.
He told me he had one more thing to tell me, but “it wasn’t much.” Two years ago right after his 40th when he first started that job, someone he knew from high school joined Facebook, someone he’d had a crush on. He friended her, started chatting and they agreed to meet for sex. They did it in her car in a parking lot at her work in the middle of July (it was sweltering that summer). He said he talked to her a few times after and she felt guilty for cheating on her boyfriend so she never message him back after a couple of messages.
He is obviously a good liar and hid all this on his phone very well. He had the messaging app on his work phone which I’d only checked once or twice because usually he’s so anal about not having personal and work collide. And the email messages were all set up to only go into folders with innocuous names. Normally I set up the printers and media stuff around here because he’s so lost with it, but apparently with this, he is a technology ninja.
Because of the drinking, I always knew he had issues with needing his little secrets. I also come from a family where dad cheated many times and then had an affair, mom left him and he’s still with the woman 20 years later. Also, out of all the relationships I know, there are only 1 or 2 where the man didn’t cheat. After watching my parents, I honestly thought as long as they get it out of their system, learn their lesson and it’s just sex, maybe it’s not the end of the world. How you’re treated should be what matters, right?
I am devastated. I am a fool. He’s never going to stop. He got his piece of ass and started looking again a year later. We have a 7 year old. Watching my mom, who lives with us, never have another romantic relationship, not be able to afford taking care of her own medical bills, how can I do this?
I haven’t left yet. I haven’t kicked him out. I said I’ll try couples therapy for the sake of our child. I have cried a lot but mostly I am numb, except my body which can’t seem to get enough of him. I read about hysterical bonding, but it’s just so weird.
Our sex life had been going downhill for a while, mainly because he’s so passive-aggressively controlling about it and anytime I tried to talk to him, he just retreated further. I’ve said many things to him in the last few days, things I wouldn’t have before because he wouldn’t have heard me. He has been giving me all the words and affection I’ve been asking for for years. Alcoholics feel very sorry for themselves, and anytime I tried to talk to him, he just saw it as an attack on “poor him.” I do not believe it will last, but I do feel like for the first time maybe, he’s hearing some of these words. Words that will benefit the next piece of ass too.
I am the idiot who sees the red flags and ignores them. I am the one who though just sex wasn’t the end of the world. I am the one who is so smart, and just so dumb.
I haven’t told anyone except my best friend, not even my mom who lives with us. I am a horrible actress. I don’t know how I can possibly pull this off, but I can’t bear to have certain family members know and the rest are actually incapable of keeping a secret (especially my mom). I am lost.
I am really moved by your story. I am so sad you can never have back what you lost. Why do some people have integrity and others just don’t? I am going now to watch the Ted talk you suggested. Thanks for putting this all out there.
Hi AloneInIt, thank you so much for your comment. Affairs are incredibly difficult to deal with, but coupled with alcoholism? That’s a different beast. You have been through so much dealing with the horrible hurt an alcoholic can inflict, and now the whoring on top of that. My goodness, that is a lot to deal with.
I hope reading my blog (and the hundreds of comments) has brought you some comfort. It helps so much to know you aren’t alone on this path. I know that in the early days, it saved me to know I wasn’t going through this blindly.
I’m doing well at the moment and am due for an update. I’ll get around to it soon! It’s coming up to three years for me. I’m in a different place now because of all the effort my husband has made to be transparent.
Remember, right now you are in the eye of the tornado with everything swirling around you. Don’t try to make sense of everything yet, and don’t make big life-changing decisions unless your physical or emotional well-being is at risk.
Look after yourself and your child. Love and hugs to you. SWxo
Thanks. We’re going to try counseling. I can’t say how I’ll feel a month from now or even a minute from now. I know I’m not feeling it really yet. I appreciate the kind words and am definitely taking your advice to look after me and my son. Thanks!
Hi ShatteredWife, This post and replies are good to look at and think about as Christmas is near. Helps to realise what you are feeling is normal after he cheated. After surviving the first anniversary of D-Day a month ago Christmas this year has lost it’s sparkle. Last year was horrendous as I had only known for a few weeks. Like ShatteredWife has said in previous posts it does get a bit better and I am in a better place now than 12 months ago. My strategy for the holidays is, focus on the kid/s, spend as much time as I can with my own family and those friends that are worth their weight in gold, avoiding anyone who gives me the shits, especially anyone who has said ‘he didn’t really have an affair because they didn’t have sex (who knows after that many lies anyway), doing some of my favourite things, and realising that in this season of giving I should give to myself too. Like respect for hanging on to my family values, admiration for holding it together through the shitstorm (thanks for the apt description SW), and love for the kind and caring person that I am. Kind enough to still care about him even though he caused the one of greatest pains you can give to another human being. Wishing you all the best for the holidays, and once again SW thank you for being there for us all 😊🎄🎉
Thank you, Leona, love and hugs to you from the other side of the world. SWxo
I, too, have a December anniversary. This was the first since DDay and was NOT a good day. I’ve come to the realization that if someone can’t love you at your best (before the affair), how are they ever going to love you at your worst – when shattered, angry, sad and hurt? I’m only 5 months in, but things are actually getting worse. I realize she has become a different person – someone I no longer know. And while I am pretty sure the affairs (found out there had been 3 of them) are over – for now – she’s not exactly lighting the world on fire in helping me recover. She sulks and doesn’t know what to say or do. How about at least TRYING? How about persisting? Would you pet an abused dog once and expect it to heal from its abuse? No, you’d KEEP TRYING. I honestly feel someone that could have 3 affairs has no feelings left for their spouse – that the love is long gone and they are just hanging on to the easy life and scared of what their life will become without the support from their breadwinner. I just don’t think this can recover.
Hi Scott, one affair is a major kick in the guts, but three?? How did you discover them? Did she tell you? Or did you discover them yourself? It doesn’t even sound as if she is very remorseful. Five months in is still very raw, I’m afraid you have a long way to go. What are your reasons for staying? SWxo