Tags
affair, anxiety, cheating, depression, family, husband, love, marriage, medication, trauma, venlafaxine, whore
I had been down too long. Way too long. My brain couldn’t think straight, let alone make important decisions. I was snapping at everyone, including my husband, my children, my boss. My perspective on life was badly skewed.
I seriously questioned whether I should be locked up in a facility for crazy people.
I can finally feel the fog lifting. After what seems like months and months of being down in the dumps, I finally went and saw my doctor. I was an absolute mess.
I was stunned when she told me it had been 18 months since I last saw her.
Actually, that shouldn’t have been all that surprising, given I’d spent that time elbow-deep in Babyville.
But without realising it, I’d also spent that time falling deeper and deeper into the depression abyss and had no idea how to crawl back out again.
So, Dr D put me back on the same medication she had me on last time: venlafaxine. It works to conquer depression and anxiety by basically chemically altering your brain.
The first time I went on this drug 18 months ago, I was hesitant. VERY hesitant. You get started on an introductory dose of 37.5mg, then after a month you go on the full regular dose of 75mg. Dr D told me quite a few of her patients are on 150mg.
At first I experienced bad headaches and dizziness. Then I went on the full dose, and dry mouth syndrome kicked in. I didn’t like it. I took myself off the drugs after 5 months without going back to my doctor.
And then, without noticing, I went downhill.
My problem with taking drugs is two-fold: Basically, I don’t believe depression is a true condition (so therefore how can you take drugs for it?) and two, I don’t want to rely on drugs to get me through the rest of my life.
But I couldn’t take it anymore.
“My marriage is over,” I told my doctor a few weeks ago as big, fat tears rolled down my face. “There is no chance of reconciliation.”
Because in my head, it WAS over. I couldn’t think anymore. Everything around me was black. I felt I was walking with a shroud over my head. There was no point to anything. It was all over.
So when the doctor suggested, no, STRONGLY ADVISED, that I give the medication another shot, I nodded glumly but didn’t fight it like I did 18 months ago.
“Do it to be a better mother to your children,” she said. “They deserve to have their mother present.”
Well, she knew how to pull at my heartstrings.
She said I had to stay on the medication for at least 12 months for the chemical imbalance to be restored, and to come and see her in a month.
I took the script she wrote for me and headed to the chemist.
The person who walked into her office a month later was a very different person. I could feel the fog had lifted. I could see things clearer. Making decisions was a bit easier. I was smiling.
Even the Dr D was noticeably surprised, but in a good way. Right now, I’m taking 75mg of venlafaxine every night before I go to bed.
The depression has lifted and the anxiety has subsided. I don’t like having to depend on medication to get me through the day, but I will commit to 12 months, and review things at that point.
For me, feeling better HAD to happen.
The negative thoughts were destroying my well-being, festering and breeding in my brain, day and night. I was mentally exhausted. (It is currently 2 years and 1 month after D-Day.)
I haven’t forgotten the affair — it still hurts like hell. Triggers will still set me off, as will seeing my husband on his phone.
But the medication has cleared my head enough to begin seeing a new psychologist. I even sound coherent when I speak to her.
The medication can cause insomnia and make it harder to climax, but if that’s the cost to feeling otherwise somewhat normal, I’ll pay it.
Because going through day after day drowning in misery and blackness is no way to live.
I know I’m strong enough to walk out tomorrow if I choose to.
But I choose to stay.
My family matters more. I will do what I need to do, and that includes taking medication.
You have two choices when you discover your husband cheating on you: you can find a way to move forward, or you can leave.
I am moving forward.
Kristen said:
Wow is all I really can say as tears are rolling down my cheek!!! I have been reading your blog along with the comments and it’s been very insightful, true to the heart, and an emotional roller coaster as what you convey in your blog cause some of the exact feelings and emotions I have either felt or am feeling. I too struggle with continuing to work on my marriage or leave; it comes down to the moment and or day, depending on if something or if my husband puts me into defense mode. But for now I too have chosen to stay for various reasons but it comes down to that no matter what I still love him and with everything we have been through I can only hope this can and will eventually make our marriage stronger and if it doesn’t at least I know that I did what I could do to make it work and have no self doubt or regrets. Nobody can make this decision for me and or for any of us and we have to do what is right for us and not care what others think and resist outside pressure and biased opinions; and yes sometimes I do feel like it would be easier to walk away but for now I am continuing to work on me, my marriage and my family. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey and your new found self!! I will keep routing for you and your family… Much love Kristen
shatteredwife said:
So very well said, Kristen! At the end of the day, the real reason we stay is because we do love the idiots! And I agree, we owe it to ourselves to do what we feel is right. No regrets. Thank you for your very kind words. Hugs to you. SWxo
SueB said:
I agree. You have to do what you you can be at peace with. I tried to reconcile with my ex-husband for three years, before I found out he was never invested and was cheating on me again. I understand why I felt compelled to try to reconcile and “be a better wife” for many of the same reasons you listed. Ultimately, I am glad I finally left though it was difficult at the time. Many will tell you to leave, simply because they went through what I went through. While some people are serious about reconciling and remaining faithful from now on, others fake reconciliation and have more affairs. It is not too much to ask a spouse who is seriously remorseful to work just as hard as you are in saving the marriage. I truly believe that they should go for std testing and prove that they are being faithful by willingly choosing to be transparent. If someone can not do that, making condoms mandatory might not be a bad idea. I say this being someone who had to have a hysterectomy to prevent cervical cancer. Since I was a virgin when I met my ex, I got hpv because he slept with someone who had it either before we were together or while we were married.
I do not blame anyone for their decision to try to work on the marriage. I just hope everyone here is protecting themselves, financially, emotionally, health-wise. I think installing a keylogger program to spy on my ex-husband’s online activities was one of the best decisions I made because it showed me that he was never serious about trying to be a faithful husband. It also showed me what he was up to financially. When I found that out, I began getting serious about protecting myself by setting up my own savings account and getting my own credit card. I also consulted an attorney.
Slowing coming back said:
I am so glad the fog is lifting, that big black hole where everything seems pointless is such a painful , lonely place to be. I am making an appointment with my doctor. Thank you for giving me hope x
shatteredwife said:
Do it. It’s what people mean when they say “look after yourself”. Well done, I hope you receive the help you are seeking. My love to you. SWxo
Kani said:
So glad you’ve been able to find something that helps. I went to healing of the heart at the chopra center in California with my husband.. Though I am not cured I am no longer carrying the heavy weight of anger. I wish you happy holidays with your loved ones! May we all find peace in this coming new year 🕉🙏💓
Brokenpieces said:
I too have been on venfalaxine for the past 4 weeks. 37.5 for the first 2 weeks, then up to 75. So far I’m more tired, but I feel it finally helping. I have been on several other antidepressants with no success. I too had days where the pain was just too much to bear and I thought it best to end my marriage, even though that’s not what I really wanted. I hate antidepressants, but depression, ptsd, anxiety and the like are real things and I know for now I’m a better mother on them. I hope it continues to get better for me, but it makes me so happy to see it really has helped you. You deserve some peace. I’m still in the fog, but starting to feel hope….
shatteredwife said:
Yes, the tiredness is definitely noticeable. If I can, I crash out in the afternoon for a little while. Hopefully the body eventually adjusts! I’m so glad you’ve found it helpful because I really did not want to go on meds. But they are helping, so I’ll stick with it for a while this time..
grace said:
” Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
My heart goes with you. 12months had passed dealing with same issue as yours, I remember searching online, tired of reading blogs about infidelity just to know how to ease the pain even just for a day. I could have leave my husband right away and that easy knowing that he can’t even give me a child because of his case (azoospermia) that breaks my heart knowing that my desire is to have a child. Give it all to God, we will all be tired trying all the things we know just to ease that pain and to forgive but God can change everyone’s heart. They say “time heal all wounds” I say, God heals all wounds. Been there 12months ago and up to this day i’m still in the process of forgiving him. Forgiveness is not a one time big time thing. Forgiveness is a choice that everytime you feel the pain, you choose to forgive again… and again… and again.
I thank God for the peace and i pray and believe if God change my heart He can also change my husband’s heart.
God bless you
-Grace
shatteredwife said:
All this God talk does nothing for me.
Sadface said:
I don’t even believe there is a god, otherwise, why the hell are we the ones that have to suffer, have to take medicine and the OW or our shitty husbands didn’t get any punishment for what they did to us. Give me a break!
SueB said:
I am so sorry. It is all completely unfair. I said many things to God in prayer about how unfair this is. I did get off my medicine. I also had to end up leaving my ex-husband because he wouldn’t stop having affairs. Now, he is remarried to someone other than the OW. He tried to have an open marriage with his new wife that blew up in his face. Surprisingly, he has some major relationship and trust issues. I’ve learned that he is suffering because he keeps making the same bad decisions over and over again. He wouldn’t like it if I knew that, but learning I am so glad to no longer be in the wake of his drama.
If your spouse really is repentant and you are able to reconcile, then you will begin to heal over time as his actions will show he is truly remorseful. You won’t have to feel this bad forever. I am really sorry that everyone here had to join this club that we never wanted to be in.
Katie said:
I am really pleased your getting some help depression just sucks everything out of you, you survive rather than live, and you certainly can’t think straight, Christmas is always a bad time for me everyone looks so happy and you feel you should be so happy too! My d day was 21st September 2014, rather than comforting me when I finally put the pieces together after my son mentioned that daddy was on his phone a lot recently, my husband went straight to the arms of the “slug” after me breaking my heart to him and saying at least they had not slept together that’s exactly what he went to do that night, I’ve always said I don’t think I would be feeling as bad as I do about the affair but the way he dealt with it after kills me, he carried on seeing her and being in contact I had my suspicions but always thought my judgement must be off, he said he did it for a quite ending so she didn’t make a nuisance of herself I say he was weighing his options up! Somedays I really wish I had the strength to leave him but my children come first I vowed to love and protect them and to me being bought up in a whole family is doing that, it’s not their fault that their father made questionable decisions with a slug who approached him out our sons band practice of all places. My apologies I’ve hijacked and all I wanted to say was in the early days it was great reading your blog because I have was having the same feelings as you so I was not on my own. Take care of you as my counsellor used to say x
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, Katie, it brings comfort knowing others understand what it’s like to suffer this deep pain. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
marriagetroublesite said:
shatteredwife, “we do love the idiots”, I like that! Another thought I had was: Is leaving after an affair a form of revenge? Both ae hard, staying and leaving…I think that
Renee said:
For me it’s such a fine line staying and leaving given the moment, day, or if something triggers all my emotions and takes me back to the initial days of D Day which makes me go into bitchy defense mode and can take any given length of time to get out which those are the days I think it would be easier to walk away. But when we do things as a family, us, or a group of family and or friends it takes me back to when things were good and it gives me a glimpse of hope. And of course it’s always in the back of my mind is all of this effort and emotional roller coaster worth it cause if he did it once, why won’t he do it again.
Jenny said:
I just found this site and your above post sounds EXACTLY how I feel especially the part about doing things as a family or with friends. Such a roller coaster.
To sum up my story….We’ve been married for almost 16 years and have 4 kids (ages 13,11,9, and 6). I found out my husband had an AM account when the hack was published almost 4 months ago. This lead to some other revelations of other “emotional affairs”. Due to the nature of the hack, our entire community (friends, family, parents at school/sports) are all well aware of the situation and most of them have formed their own opinions (which take things to a much different level) and have dropped us entirely. This adds to my hurt because again I DID NOTHING WRONG! At this point, we are staying together. We have 4 kids and as you all know, leaving is not as easy as it seems. Our oldest is aware of some of the issues since teen girls though that “snapchatting” the AM List to the school would be fun idea. That might have been the worst conversation I’ve ever had with my son. UGH.
Anyways, I have good days and bad days. Most recently I’ve really been thinking about making a doctors appointment to maybe get some meds to help with the anxiety and depression. At the end of this I just want to know that I was the best Mom I could be and hope that this is something that none of my children will ever have to deal with as a husband or wife.
icouldbeathim said:
i will never be the same again, but my spouses ap and her husband are happier then they have ever been! they even renewed their vows! It makes me insanne with anger!!! broken with heartache !!! THey always screwed around on each other played games blah blah blah! Its like changing her underwear!I dont understand how anyone can say it made their marriage better!! But im not going to allow what that skank and my spouse did to me or our children ruin our lives! I will struggle with stuff ,but when i have a moment of inner peace i enjoy it to the fullest cause its fleeting and not often i feel it. I want to live you know!! Im always busy working out doing something run run run!!! SHE IS RIGHT TAKE CARE OF YOU!
shatteredwife said:
That’s a crazy marriage but it clearly works for them! Unfortunately it means the husbands and wives of the people they screw get hurt. My therapist is convinced a marriage can be better after an affair because it unclogs lines of communication that were previously blocked… I’m yet to be convinced that can really be true. Are you expected to just forget your husband got involved with someone else, betrayed and lied to you? I don’t yet know how you do that. SWxo
icouldbeathim said:
me either! i always say to him i should have been in your heart!!!! i would never have done this to him !!it never goes away thats why Im always on the run!! Ive been through alot of stuff in my life,but this is the worst!! I beleived in him with all my heart and soul i feel like Im dieing from my broken heart!! I keep hoping her day will come i want her to suffer,but she has no soul wont happen. But like i said i want to live and im tired of the emotions.
kc said:
I’m happy you got this help. Bouts of depression after my husband’s affair almost ruined me. I’m 13 months from DDay and countless emotional cycles and crazy conversations with my husband away, rebuilding. It’s an unsure path but he is truly remorseful. I live with this forever whether I leave him or not, it’s stained my soul, so might as well try and keep my daughters family in tact. It continues to be a little pride swallowing but it’s ok. I think you and I will be ok. As one of my THREE counselors told me “rebuilding your marriage age is a choice you make for today, but it doesn’t decide the next decade.” Basically, give it 100% today and if that’s not enough, you can leave tomorrow. So far so good. Good luck my friend.
Reese said:
Hello! So happy to have found this blog…well as happy as one an expect to be in this god awful situation. D-day over one year ago and attempting to stay and piece together my marriage for the sake of our beautiful family. It feels good to know that there are other wives like me that deal with the constant shame of staying. I have never felt so judged in my life. Even my own parents make me try to feel worthless as a result of my decision. I won’t let them or anyone else make me feel as I don’t have a say in my life. When the cheaters go ahead and make the decision to wreck our marriage and lives without any consent, it feels a bit empowering to now take the reigns. I have to battle the shame every, single day. I question my decision but I also do not believe divorce is the “golden ticket” to happiness in my particular situation. It gives me strength knowing that there are other “sister soldiers” like me out there getting up everyday, raising families, going to work, getting on with life and holding our heads up high. Thank you for sharing your stories and posts SW and everyone else on this blog. ❤️❤️❤️
shatteredwife said:
Hi Reese, and welcome. I’m glad you found me : ) The shame can be overwhelming at times but we do what needs to be done. What was behind the decision to tell your parents? And who was the whore in your case? I’m glad you are moving on with your head held high. You sound like a strong woman. You are welcome here any time. SWxo
thisyearsloveblog said:
Hi SW! Well I didn’t mean to or want to tell my parents but we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and all their business unfortunately. My parents actually knew the OW not personally but they knew of her. Also it didn’t help that the OW proclaimed her love with my H and documented everything on social media for everyone to watch. It was devastating. The affair lasted about 6 months total. My H has since come back to us and wants to forget it all ever happened but there is one small catch, he got the OW pregnant. It’s definitely a hard, hard pill to swallow and many times on many days I sometimes wonder what I am thinking giving this man one more minute of my time. I do love my husband however. I love our family and he is a good Dad despite the very poor decisions he made that affected his family. My H feels at that time he “lost his damn mind” and thinks he was depressed. It has been difficult to say the least but I think that if we can pick up the pieces and make the best of a horrible situation, we can move forward and hopefully create a stronger marriage. Our children are all under the age of 5 and I often weigh the outcomes of them being raised with both their parents or being raised with their parents divorced and other people possibly in and out of their lives (i.e. girlfriends, etc.). It really is a no win situation. While my idea of marriage and of love are shattered, I don’t hate my husband and we actually get along rather well. We definitely need to do a lot of work in counseling on my part to fully process and completely move forward from this disaster. I feel staying together and trying is so much better than the alternative. I do not look down on those who do divorce but in my situation this is what I would like to do. Staying isn’t easy and divorcing certainly isn’t easy either. I wish I knew more women in my situation and how it worked out for them. I am so grateful for others like you SW who have told their stories. It makes me feel so much less alone. Btw, the OW was a co-worker. Claimed she was fed lies and didn’t think my husband and I were still together but when she actually met me face to face when I visited him at work with our kids she didn’t change her actions, just kept going. We are actually on civil terms as I do believe her child deserves child support but I do not feel sorry for her in the least. I know a lot of people on the blogs want us not to blame the OW because she “didn’t take a vow” but I believe they are both equally guilty. That is most of my story. Thank you for listening SW ❤️
shatteredwife said:
Thank you for sharing your story. Getting the OW pregnant must be a huge obstacle to your healing. I don’t know many people who would cope the way you are coping, for example, being on civil terms with the homewrecking whore. You are definitely the bigger person, rising above the impossibly difficult and complex position your husband has put you in. You are gracious and strong, even if it doesn’t feel that way sometimes. I envy your ability to ‘make the best out of a horrible situation’ – you are simply amazing. For most wives, getting the OW pregnant would be the ultimate deal breaker. I commend you – you guys will make it if you’re both committed. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Damaged & Unwanted Wife said:
I’m sorry (not sorry) this is gunna be long because it’s been waiting a long time to come out.
I have been following your story right from the the beginning. It works out that you and I discovered our husbands affairs around the same time and so there have been many times where I have felt completely lost and haven’t known what to do, so I turned to you. Without you ever knowing, you have helped me more than once and not just how you might think.
I’ll give you some background ;
My husband of 25yrs was a loving, honest, caring, faithful, family man until he turned 49 1/2 years old then he changed into a narcissistic stranger. He was in the the beginning stages of a midlife crisis / midlife meltdown / midlife brain fuck what ever you want to call it, he was nearly 50 and couldn’t handle it. It didn’t matter that he had a younger wife (by 10yrs), nothing mattered to him except himself. He didn’t care about the kids and he particularly had a hatred for me. I was just holding him back apparently like I had always done. He was heading straight into midlife crisis – destination it’s my fault and was punishing me for everything he saw in his life as not “perfect”. I tried everything I could think of to protect the kids from his acid tongue, demeaning tone and narcissistic ways but I couldn’t be everywhere at once with so many kids (the youngest was 12 at the time) .
The first time he had an emotional affair with a work colleague, after he got busted he supposedly realised that it was a mistake and that he wanted his wife & kids(6), realised that this is where he wanted to be and tells me that he would never do anything to stuff that up again. I thought everything was going good, we were working on our marriage ….. well so I thought.
Well I’ll be fucked if he didn’t then turn around and have a sexual & emotional affair with a different work colleague for 6mths, then fight with me for 2 mths because he wouldn’t end it. Instead, saying that he was going to leave us because I was “fat, ugly, lazy, unlovable and not worth the effort” and that “the kids didn’t like him anyway”, while this sociopathic whore was, “the only one he could talk to, the only one that who really understood him, his one true love, his soul mate”. They were his exact words to me (excuse me while I vomit).
Then she apparently ended it because her husband found out and she wouldn’t leave her husband and a whole heap of other bullshit and drama. Once again I heard the “it was a mistake, I know where I want to be” speech. For 4 months I did everything I could think of to be the woman/wife he wanted but it was never good enough, I was never good enough, so I kept changing myself to be what he wanted but what he wanted changed all the time, so I never had a chance. I often had the feeling he was never really present in our marriage, it was a gut feeling that I couldn’t shake. Then I bust him again and find out that the whole 4mths was lie, he was still with her the whole time.
So all up with this sociopath whore (and that’s exactly what she is) the affair lasted a year. Now it’s been just over the 2yrs since dday and I’m still getting told, “it’s in the past forget about it”, “talking about it isn’t going to change anything”, “don’t you think it’s time you just moved on and forgot about it” plus a lot of other insensitive cruel shit that dribbles out of his mouth. BUT I’m still here like yourself fighting to hold onto and save my marriage. I don’t know if a miracle will happen and the man I married and remember will come back or the way he is now is the way he will remain, I suppose time will tell. Which will give me some sort of direction but while I can see a glimmer of hope then I’m staying to fight for my husband and our family. If I ever do have to walk away I will know that I did everything that I could to save this marriage, so there will be no doubts and my concious will be clear. My marriage, my decision.
While all this has been happening I have put a brave face on to everyone, that I was doing okay and no one had to worry about me cause I could handle it. No one knew that I have been drowning in the deepest darkest black whole of depression, anxiety, PTSD, self harm, suffered a nervous breakdown, constant suicidal thoughts and even suicide attempts and the list could just keep going as we all know how we think and feel when we first discover the truth. Well I feel like I’ve been living that just discovered feelings and thoughts for just over 2yrs now.
I am only now starting to get stronger and feel good about myself but you SW, you have not only helped me with your honest posts but many a time I would think to myself “what would SW do” so I’d start reading and we’d be going through similar things at the same time.
As for helping me, one time really sticks in my head. I was in a really dark place from him being a heartless prick by telling me details of what they did together, what she would say to him, what he did to her, what she did to him, in all its disgusting details. Well the thoughts started, the visions started, the triggers were released in a huge way. I started way over thinking about everything right back to the beginning and it steam rolled from there. There was no way to stop it, it had taken over me me and I was engulfed in darkness and sinking fast and I couldn’t see the point in fighting this any longer, I had lost my will to survive this and wanted to surrender to the darkness, surrender to the numbness.
Anyway I was sitting with a bottle of pills thinking “I can’t do this any more, I’m just not strong enough”, for some reason I thought to myself that SW would know what to do. So I got on your blog and you were going through a really bad time as well but you still had your “Don’t fucking treat me like shit and think it’s okay, I don’t have to put up with your shit, so fuck off” attitude. I knew that if you could get through what you were going through then I could get through it as well. The pills got put away away and I cried for hours.
You have gone to hell and back dealing with all of your own problems plus helping others in the comment section. I just wanted to say thank you for helping me and for saving me, you might not of given me personal advice but you told your story, a story that I was living right along with you. You gave me strength when I needed it and a kick in the ass when I needed it too, all through you telling your story honestly, not sugar coating like some do and not hating on those that chose to stay.
I don’t know you, yet part of me knows you like a sister, you have not only helped me many times, you saved my life that night and I will be eternally grateful. Because of you my kids still have their mum and that is something that I will never be able to thank you enough for. As for me I’m in therapy getting stronger and like yourself I’ve been put on medication to help get through this stage, I’m taking each day as it comes and looking forward to a life that was nearly taken away from me. I am working on myself and learning to like the person that I find.
Thank you, just doesn’t seem to say enough.
shatteredwife said:
Hello D&UW, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. It left me with big tears in my eyes. My biggest scare after D-Day was that I’d be unable to string two coherent words together. And given I write for a living, I was fucked! So I began this blog as a way to see if I could, in fact, still write and somehow use this skill to work through all the emotional shit. Two years later, I’m still here writing when I feel the need and, almost unbelievably to me, having this unexpected effect on others. I’m so glad my words have resonated so much with you. There have been some key blogs that saw me through the hardest of times, so I know how much someone else’s story can help enormously. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sending me your beautiful message. “Wanting out” is something so many of us betrayed spouses go through. I’m so glad you stuck around. Your precious children need you more than they can tell you. Sending you love and good vibes, your eSister. SWxo
SueB said:
Wow! My ex-husband said some hurtful things to me too. From what I have heard, many unfaithful spouses (both men and women) say some very hurtful things to the faithful spouse. I hope you know that just because he says it doesn’t make it true.
Seriously, I had been told by many guys in the past that I was ugly in various hurtful ways. But, some men actually find me attractive. My ex told me I wasn’t normal, that everybody, even this one coworker of his was more fun than me, that every word out of my mouth was annoying… But, other people actually have fun around me and are glad to talk to me because “It’s so nice to have someone to talk to who is actually nice.”
Everyone here has a lot to offer the world. There are many people who could use your kindness, so please stick around for them.
Luckymolly said:
I cried reading the first paragraph…the screwed-up perspective upon the world is so so true. Even after my partner of 15 years cheating on me and leaving me, letting me find a new and wonderful partner (because I would still be with him has he not left me for the OW) … My whole perspective has shifted. I no longer suffer fools in any way shape or form and I hate weak people. That’s why I think you’re a light for all women like us, you have a no bullshit approach and attitude. I’m so fucking sick of listening to complete (pardon the phrase, but no other terminology will do justice) dickheads, trying to analyse the actions of those who cheat and somehow arrive at a new fucked-up excuse to justify the behaviour of the next pathetic cheating bastard. Eye-roll and yawn, no wonder the world is so fucked up – there is always someone out there willingly able to condone cheating before it even occurs, they invite cheating. In the days and months leading from discovery, the numbnes is disabling and you almost accept the utter shit in the form of a feeble attempt to excuse THEIR actions. It’s only after reading others’ experiences that you begin to realise that the excuses are a bombardment of generic shit. Honestly, do they have an annual conference to typecast more excuses with the aim being to off-cast any responsibility from themselves…because it’s a fucking gift that they have! Suppose what I’m trying to say is, is that your views and perspective of are not screwed-up…they are highly tuned after spending so long bravely staringing the painful reality in the face and having the strength to say – what they hell do I need to do to turn this around for the better…bring it on! And it’s actually given you a levelheaded-ness to pass on your perspective to others, which is empowering and enables others like us to say, we might be willing to tackle this for what it’s worth – but we’re not willing to accept your shit as part of the process! You will get there Shattered! You already are…success is achieved by those who know what they want and you do!
shatteredwife said:
“Success is achieved by those who know what they want” – what awesome words! Thank you, Luckymolly. For a long time after D-Day, the deep-set confusion leaves you feeling like you have no idea what you want. Your perspective on everything does indeed become very skewed. Your kind words mean so much to me. Hugs to you. SWxo
JannaG said:
Yes! I learned that nothing changes unless *I* change. Since, too many unfaithful spouses are so willing to cast off blame onto anyone else, they never bother to look inside and make the necessary changes. This is why the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater is so popular. It is not true that everyone has to stay a cheater their whole lives, but many do because they don’t believe they have a problem.
My ex-husband seems to be the same self-centered, manipulative person he always was. I found out my ex and his new wife decided to try an open marriage. It blew up in his face. He broke the rules. Then his “girlfriend” decided to also break the rules by cheating on him and her boyfriend with several guys. His wife then decided, as this was blowing up in his face, that she would like to get a boyfriend now. He told her she needed to give up the boyfriend. And, by spying, he found out that she also broke the rules and decided to keep the boyfriend against his wishes. Despite, being the one who wanted an open marriage, he began to feel like he couldn’t handle all this. I also found it ironic that he is now paranoid and distrustful, despite blasting me for being distrustful of him when we were married. If someone wants to keep being foolish, I do believe their actions will cause them some suffering eventually. Unfortunately, their actions will probably cause suffering to those around them too. Fortunately now, I am not the one in the line of fire.
Divorce With Me said:
This is wonderful to hear. This new energy and motivation will get you far for 2016. Good luck and cheers!! ❤️
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, A. Am loving reading about you and Captain! SWxo
Divorce With Me said:
Thanks! 🙂 It’s been a fun ride with him. And I think I have a whole new sense of appreciation about what’s really important in life. So much you learn after you’ve been hurt. Complete shift in perspective. Thankfully, I think I’m stronger now than ever before. Xo
hatch said:
It’s wonderful that the medication is helping you feel better — for YOU.
Of course being depressed you didn’t think about how some nice strange on the side would make you feel better, because you are a fundamentally good person with integrity and empathy.
My stupid STBXH though oh, he was depressed and feeling low and what did he feel better about? That’s right flirting with other women and getting them to take their clothes off and tell him about it in chat and then send photos. EIGHTEEN YEARS he did this while treating me like I was shit and the kids were shit.
Even snapping at the kids I’m certain you cared about them and their needs, it was hard for you to manage — and you got help rather than fucking something that looked like fun in the moment.
Mary said:
I’m new here and just wanted to voice support for your decision to try medication. I started an anti-depressant when I found out about my ex-husband’s affair and stayed on it about a year. I think it helped me not to obsess and it dulled the intensity of the pain.
Even though I have 4 children and had been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years, I chose to divorce immediately. I have no regrets other than sadness that my kids aren’t in an intact home. My ex broke up with OW as soon as our divorce was final. I’m so fortunate that I’m not having to deal with her or have her around my kids.
I hope you find peace in your reconciliation. I think it is a much more difficult path.
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, Mary. No decision is easier than the other. You just need to decide what matters to you most. I’m curious, and I hope you don’t mind me asking – how do you support yourself now? SWxo
Mary said:
My ex has a high income and I get enough child support and alimony that I don’t have to work, but I choose to. I went back to teaching because the schedule works well with my kids.
I think it’s important to start working asap even if you don’t need to because eventually child support goes away and it’s harder to get back into work the longer you wait.
shatteredwife said:
Great advice : ) SWxo
shatteredwife said:
Did your ex ever say he regretted the affair or that he wanted you back? Or had he convinced himself he had a future with the whore? SWxo
Mary said:
I wanted to add that for me, divorce was the only decision. I knew infidelity wasn’t something I would ever be able to get over. The thought of staying made me feel like I was going to pass out or die. I don’t think there is a right answer when it it comes to dealing with this crap. We all just need to do what we feel is right for us.
Mary said:
Ex denied the affair when caught, and still refuses to admit that he was screwing her while we were married. He thought I would believe his denials and that everything would go go back to the way it was before. He doesn’t think he has anything to apologize for, and is pissed that I get half of his income. I filed quickly and he knew me well enough to know that I stick to my choices. OW was an unmarried, childless 38 year old and when she found out I filed, she started pressuring him to allow her around the kids. Eventually, she had some kind of break down/ tantrum and he kicked her to the curb. He is lazy, so if she had behaved more sanely, they’d probably be married by now.
icouldbeathim said:
hi sw i really hope the best for you,but Ive got tell you its five years for me and i still feel broken Im sorry to tell you this! i went back to read your first post and it just killed me! Its like one day your ok –then your not –sometimes i think it would be in my best interest to end it, i dont know how to move forward –so much hurt even when im not thinking about its just this horrible feeling i carry in my heart. Things he did -said –the way he looked at me. he said he told her i was going to find out and i would leave him ,but she wouldnt leave her husband and he would be all alone. I did approach her and her remark was to me grow up and get over yourself! IM not done with her she feels good about what she did like she gave him something i couldnt -well she did a couple of stds! I AM SO F-UP OVER WHAT HAPPENED! I WANT TO LIVE!! I WANT TO HOLE UP IN MY HOUSE AND HIDE!!! I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!! I FEEL LIKE I LOST ME!! WHAT DO I LIKE TO DO WHAT INTEREST ME!!! I KNOW THAT ITS UP TO ME TO TURN THE CHANNEL IN MY HEAD SOMETIMES I CAN AND SOMETIMES I CANT !!!! I KNOW GOING AFTER HER IS NOT THE ANSWER!! I JUST W ANT HER TO KNOW THEIR IS NOTHING FLATTERING ABOUT HER OR WHAT SHE DID!! DONT GET ME WRONG I HOLD HIM RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE DID! HE CHOSE TO CHEAT I DONT CARE HOW MUCH SHE FLIRTED! I DONT WANT TO PHYICALLY HURT HER JUST MENTALLY. SOMETIMES I CANT LOOK AT HIM!! HE WAS MY EVERYTHING TOO AND NOW HIS NOT ITS AN EMPTY FEELING!!! MAYBE NOT BEING WITH HIM WOULD HELP ME HEEL!!
Tee said:
I left my ex years ago after his affair. I caught myself going through his phone and briefcase one day and realized that would be the rest of my life…always wondering. For me, peace of mind is a wonderful thing. So I left. After I filed for divorce his first wife called to congratulate me. Apparently he had cheated on her (former model no less). He stayed with his girlfriend for seven years then left her for someone else. He is on his fourth marriage now and according to my son, their marriage is rocky as well (3 years in). It bothered me that so many people were dishonest during the time when I found out about the affair and when i filed for divorce.. I guess they wanted to give hope. It didn’t help. I just realized, and this was just me, that I would always wonder in the back of my mind, if he was really working late…if he really had to go into the office on the weekends…I could not live with that very well. Stay strong all…hang in there.
Renee said:
Sometimes I wonder if the stronger and braver ones are the ones who decide to leave, cause the way I am living with self doubt, always questioning what is he doing, why is he on his phone, and if the person he is texting is not some code for the horor He supposedly has no contact with… Ugh, and yes I do still love him but is that enough!!
Tee said:
Hey Ms. Renee…It has been a while for me, but I have never forgotten that pain…the awful betrayal and how devastated I was. While my decision seemed glib in the response column, it actually took over a year for me to ultimately decide what to do. I also made “Love Must Be Tough” my personal bible through the process. There were two things that pushed me to my decision ultimately.
One, we tried marriage counseling, but he continued to see his mistress I discovered, after sitting and crying tears about how awful he felt. In the middle of one of the counseling sessions, his girlfriend called him and he up and left. The counselors were aghast. Two, the morning I found myself going through his briefcase while he was in the shower, just to “see what was there”. It was one of those epiphanies for me, as I realized that was what life would always be like with him if I stayed. So after an awful year of feeling like a crazy person, losing weight, sleep, hair falling out, I made the painful decision to leave. It was a hard decision…I will not lie to you. I was a stay at home mom with two children to care for, one of them still in diapers. I lost a lot, but I gained a lot. I cannot tell you what to do ultimately, but I would tell you to take your time, try not to be led by your emotions, and take it one day at a time. And surround yourself with people who have a clear head. The hardest thing for me was to navigate through the emotions…those made it hard for me to think clearly. Best advice I received was from my Aunt who said wait until your emotions settle down and then decide what to do when you are a bit more clear headed.
But whatever you decide, be sure to take care of yourself through the process. I used to take very long walks…did a lot of cleaning. I didn’t do meds because I can’t tolerate them well. And I found some people who told me the truth…not what I wanted to hear. That perhaps was the most painful thing.
Take care of yourself, and take it one day at a time. At some point I am sure you will figure out what to do. It may not come when you want it, but you will know.
JannaG said:
Renee. I think you have to be strong and brave either way. It took me several years to leave. I was so scared and insecure. Ultimately, I left because I decided to spy and caught him cheating again.
Renne said:
JannaG and Tee, I appreciate you reaching out and sharing your stories..and I hope that both of you know that when I said it was easier to leave that I did not take away anything that either one of you have faced, I know that if I do come to that decision it will come with its own set of problems, emotions, and battles. I am almost an year out and I always have to have a plan or direction and this is killing me cause I thought I or we would be farther along and I have no idea how long it will take me to see if I am making a step in the right direction trying to save my marriage or am I on another road to heartache and disaster. I almost wish I would catch him again, find something I can used against him, or even if he makes the decision to leave… and it drives me crazy that I feel like I have to wait for him to do something and why I just cant walk away without any of that happening. I am trying to take one day at a time and as hard as it is
icouldbeathim said:
peace of mind yeah i agree— i wish i never let him back it would have been easier then. not five years later, his taken full blame for his choice quit drinking treats me like he should,but i cant get past what he did cruel heartless words and actions. i felt pressured by his ap husbands he kept calling and saying let him back,i was so beaten down and broken at the time and he sounded so desperate. as time passed and i grew stronger i said to my spouse i wish you had just left me,what was i losing my best friend- no- someone caring- loyal someone with integrity– someone with respect for himself his family? TELL ME WHAT WOULD I BE LOSING! I said you can f–have her!!! the two of you deserve each other two lieing cheaters who harmed their own children for some fun an escape! what– love –dont give me that!!!neither one of you know anything about real honest love! That is why i say it will never be the same,now he struggles with depression feelings of shame now he hates her go figure!! I told him your loss!!! meaning his own personal loss!!! DISSAPOINTMENT THATS WHAT I TOLD DISSAPOINTED IN YOU!!!! IM NOT EVEN ANRGY JUST DISSAPOINTED IN HIM ITS WORSE THAN ANGER!!
Sadface said:
JannaG, caught him cheating again?! I can’t even imagine the pain you went throught when you found out he did it again. I’m so afaid this will happen to me, when I’m just learning to retrust him, then he stabs me in the back by cheat again, I will just die, even think about it gives me the chill.
Miss Bee said:
Thank you, SW, for this blog and for being so open. As I read the comments that people have posted, it helps to know I’m not the only one who experiences some of these emotions. I hate that I live on edge all the time and that I don’t have a moment of peace. Everything that my pig of a husband says becomes scrutinized and analyzed for lies. If he tells me he’s going to be at point A I assume he will be at point B. I hate living like this but I made a commitment to myself that my children will have both parents at home while they are still living with us at the expense of my peace of mind. He never wants to talk about it and thinks I need to let it go so he doesn’t understand my emotions. My younger one will be finished with high school in 3 years, so I hope I can manage another 3 years.
Tee said:
Hang in there….
Tee said:
I am so sorry that that happened to everyone on here. I cannot imagine the pain. One of my best friend’s once said (when I thought I was going to lose my mind) that cheating is worse than someone dying. When someone died, there is no betrayal. They left (long illness, accident, etc). With cheating, she said it is a betrayal and the worse kind of pain because they are not dead. And what they did to you they did intentionally. People don’t give themselves cancer or get into car accidents on purpose – cheating is something you do knowing it can hurt someone else. I thought she did a pretty amazing job of validating the pain and understanding. It was awful. People really have no idea how ginormous or how deep the pain goes. Words can never describe it. It is the worst. The absolute worse. So my heart goes out to everyone on here.
And I did go to email “her” a few days ago, but my son stopped me. He said “mom, don’t – she won’t believe you and he will just lie and say you are doing this because he broke up with you.” I walked away from the computer. But boy, I wish I could. I wish. He stopped by unannounced a few weeks ago at my place. I would not let him in. I stood on my porch arguing with a furious Korean man who did not see a problem with having a “side dish” (me) and was angry that I told him “no”. Married man (not wearing his ring by the way), angry at me – furious. Words cannot describe – my brain is still flummoxed over it. My son was right…nothing I can say to her because he would have a an explanation and put it all on me. Hang in there ladies, and thank you for letting me share.
Lulu said:
What an absolute pig. Don’t you have evidence of his advances e.g. text messages etc that show his identity? Couldn’t you simply ask her to tell him to stop sexually harassing you? Tell her that he verbally abused you at your place etc? How could the wife deny it if she sees it with her own eyes? Either way, she is screwed for being married to such a pig but I understand your dilemma. Here’s hoping the innocent party doesn’t get hurt…
P.S. My divorce order arrived in the post today, people! Officially divorced now from that arsehole of a cheating ex who has long been dead to me. Moving onto bigger and better things in my life. What a great way to begin the new year!
Renee said:
Lulu congratulations to your new found freedom and cheers to you to starting the new year off with a clean slate!! Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year filled with love from friends and family, wealth, and hoping that karma has something extra special for us this new year since we have endured so much pain, suffering, and heartache, and betrayal which due to an affair its the worse kind and the people who helped are spouses cheat, I hope they all get what they deserve also….CHEER to 2016
Tee said:
Congratulations on the start of a new life, sans drama! You deserve the best…someone who will love and be devoted to you because they love and care about you. Happy New Year. Sorry your marriage had to come to this, but you deserve more and better. So here are good thoughts…have a fantastic New Year!
And yes, I do have the emails he sent. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about sending them to her work. I have been cautioned not to, so I haven’t. I’ve asked myself how she does not know. My guess…low self esteem. Maybe he has charmed her so much that she figures he is totally in love and devoted to her. I mean, he sang his wedding vows to her. I guess in her mind, after that, why would there be a red flag? What gets me is when he stopped by, it was going on three months. Three months into their marriage he was trying to get his needs fulfilled outside their marriage. Not even six months. How sad is that? Baffles my mind.
But back to you, I am sure this was a difficult and hard journey, and a tough decision. Congrats though and stay strong. Better things are ahead. 🙂
Lulu said:
Thanks ladies for your well wishes, they mean a lot coming from people who actually understand what I’ve been through. 2015 was quite a shitty year but things slowly got better. It helped that I no longer lived with him and haven’t physically see him since March. No contact was key for me (except the last spate of angry texts back in May and emails regarding legal matters).
Fingers crossed I will now meet someone who I deserve and can start over 🙂
And to make it even more final, I sent off a letter today to someone telling them the truth about our marriage breakdown because I know he’s too much of a coward to tell them why his second marriage imploded. The one and only person in the whole world who knows exactly what it was like to have their life ruined by this man: his ex-wife and the mother of his adult children (all with whom he has tenuous relationships with). I know that their marriage was also destroyed by him having an extramarital relationship which he claims he was upfront about and she turned a blind eye to. He then left her for the other woman (not me!) and hence the strained relationships with his children.
I struggled with this decision about whether to expose him for weeks as you all may know. But once I received my divorce order yesterday, I realised, “It’s over so why am I still protecting his reputation? Why do I care? What more could I possibly have to lose?” And so I wrote it and sent it off first this morning. No regrets, no feeling bad about what this could mean for him, it just feels like a weight off my shoulders 🙂
Sucked in, Arsehole, and cheers to great 2016 for me instead!
shatteredwife said:
Love it, Lulu! SWxo
Tee said:
Yeah, you go girl!!! Here is to a fantastic 2016 to everyone!!!!!!!!
Makes me wonder sometimes why people get married…are they just optimistic and hopeful when they walk down the aisles, rather than committed? I know of someone who is on their fourth marriage…wife travels with him now (trust issues??) Serial cheater. I wonder about the guy I broke up with years ago going into a marriage already knowing there are huge red flags and trying to cheat both before and after…what are you thinking dude? That the issues will just magically go away? Why do that to someone…play with some poor woman’s feelings and delude her into thinking that she is the one when you are trying to secretly get sex on the side??? For my ex, he married me because his parents wanted him to settle down, and he thought I would make a good wife, aka doormat. But is it a push like the American Dream sort of thing..get married, have kids mentality? Why get married with no intention of staying committed? You don’t have to get married today…no one forces you…so why go into it with the mentality to cheat? And cause what feels like perpetual pain on spouse and kids. I don’t get it…
But, good things and blessings to all. Stay strong ladies!! And thank you for letting me share.
Tee said:
Go get a makeover…new haircut. Something…anything good for you. Celebrate the new you!
Lulu said:
Thanks, Tee! I’m on an overseas trip as we speak 😉
Also, SW, you won’t believe it but remember the sociopath I was seeing for about a month who hired pornstars and who I told to lose my number after he decided to go to Geneva for a month at the drop of a hat? He called me out of the blue yesterday after over two months of no contact saying he was really stressed at the time and now wanted to meet up when I’m back from overseas to explain himself. I’ve blocked his number. What a loser!
shatteredwife said:
LOL, keep yourself safe. Sometimes these psychos are PSYCHOS! And in this case, a MEGA LOSER! Thanks for the laugh ; ) SWxo
Gee said:
Hi I’ve been reading this for a while now and its been helping me to see there’s others in the same situation, my husband had a 5 month affair starting in December 2013 I first found messages on his phone in February 2014 he told me it was a one night stand with some random girl from another town even gave me a fake name I told him to go but I took him back and tried really hard to recover from it I thought we was doing ok then a few months later in April I found more messages it was then I found out it was not a one night stand but a 5 month affair that had never ended and the girl was from our town I was devastated I kicked him out but struggled on my own I hated the fact he was with her and not here with our children so I let him come back we’ve had counselling but I just can’t get over it i cant let it go even after all this time I can’t get the images of him and that bitch out of my head nothings the same anymore the trust has gone, every time he goes out every time he’s on his phone every time he says he off to work im here stressing out & the whole thing has turned me into a paranoid woman I’m constantly thinking has there been anyone else or will there be in the future, but like a lot of you I don’t want our children growing up without their dad living with them.thank you sw for writing this it really helps to know there’s other people out there who truly understand.
shatteredwife said:
Hello Gee, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been hurt so deeply. Did counselling help? Affairs really do turn us into these paranoid nutcases. They do the damage, and we’re the ones that suffer the greatest consequences. Did you know the whore? How did he meet her? I’m sorry you’re on this shitty journey with the rest of us. Please drop by any time if you’d like to talk. I’m always here. SWxo
Tee said:
I am so sorry for everyone who is suffering on here. Words cannot express. In my case, I feel lucky I did NOT contact his wife, because then I am sure he would blame me and I would come off being the other woman (which I’m not). but I went walking today and was sickened by the idea that a man would do that to someone for his own selfish interests. marry a woman for whatever reason (family pressure, her having money…idk) knowing full well ahead of time that he has no intention of being faithful to her. he even laughed when i confronted him, as if it was some type of joke. prideful at her “not knowing” he had contacted me…had it all planned out too when he contacted out of the blue. “can’t leave a paper trail, let’s get a motel room with cash.” i directed him towards marriage counseling and told him to either hold off on his engagement or just not get married. he said “i have to do this.” poor woman..i shudder the day her life is shattered when she does find out (you would think as an attorney she would know…or maybe she does not want to know). but he stood there and sang his vows to her on their wedding day, knowing full well he was trying to bone someone else just days before. sick sick sick.
my-ex husband…now on his can’t say what number marriage. if it is any consolation, the future gets funny. he walked out on both my kids for another woman. then left her, then left the one after that. man would even bring his girflfriend to church…her and her kids while we were still married. talk about nerve. the kids hate the man because he chose another woman over them. no way to mend that relationship ever believe me. i survived that and you ladies will survive this as well. allow yourself to be crazy, then pick one great thing about yourself each and every day and stand in the mirror and remind yourselves that you are beautiful, inside and out, and you deserve the best…not the worst from someone else. i found that cleaning helped me a lot during that crazy time. and lots of long walks to clear my mind. hang in there.
Gee said:
Hi counselling helped a little, maybe I was expecting too much she tended to keep talking about our childhood and about how we met only brushing on the affair and I would come out feeling not much better than when I went in, I just think no matter how many sessions I have no one can take away what he’s done weve got to live with it but its just so hard and knowing that slut gets to get on with her life after destroying mine makes me want to rip her head off. He met her through his work colleague who kindly introduced him to her on a night out he’s 33 she was 21 and it just escalated from there he works nights so he’d tell me he was going to work early when really he was off to see the bitch meanwhile he started telling me he didn’t love me anymore and that we,d outgrown each other, what a load of crap, I was shocked I thought we were getting along like any other couple with children having the odd little arguments here and there nothing like he was making out now I know it was his guilt talking, at the time I knew nothing of the affair I started thinking he must be having a midlife crisis because I never ever would of thought he was the type of person who would do that we’ve been together 15 years I truly thought he loved me and would never hurt me.he was always on his stupid phone the usual tell tell signs so I asked for his password he refused to give me it so one morning when he was asleep I took it went out and left a note saying he wasn’t getting it back till he told me the password, so I come home and he woke up and went absolutely mad said he needed it for work and still denying anything was going on told me if I didn’t give it back he’d call the police on me for him to say that to me hurts me to this day what an idiot, my dad was round our house at the time and thank God he was because my husband was losing it big time obviously in a panic knowing i was going to find out I refused to give it back so eventually he told me the password I locked myself in my car so he couldnt grab it off me and started going through the phone first I couldn’t find anything and I believe my husband didn’t think I’d find the messages either he must have thought I would have a quick scroll through then hand it back without finding anything but I did they were in his direct twitter messages & there was the bitch for all to see calling my husband babe and asking how he was I didn’t know her personally but I knew who she was as he friended her on Facebook and she lived in our town I tried ringing her but she wouldn’t answer I couldn’t find out where she lived so I sent her a few nice messages telling her what I thought of her .I’m sorry this is long im having a rant now, thank you sw for being there and listening, sorry that we are all going through this.
shatteredwife said:
You can rant here any time! Twitter direct messages probably isn’t somewhere most people would look, so well done on finding the messages. I’m guessing that at 21, she’s single? It’s a shame you can’t track down her parents and let them know what a tramp they raised… How does your husband feel about her now? Is he committed to keeping his family together? SWxo
Barbie Long said:
Well wonderful women are you ready for this one? My husband, a wonderful husband and father and provider of 15 years was seeing the same woman for 16 years. Yep, says he loved her. We had not one pure day in our marriage. Not one. I am 6 months since D-day still in shock. I had no clue. None. Trusted without question.
shatteredwife said:
Barbie, that is awful? Why did he marry if he was in love with someone else? What an awful shock. Did you know her? SWxo
Gee said:
Yes she was single she knew from the start he was a married man with two young children but that didn’t stop the bitch i would love to tell her parents, sometimes I don’t know how I stop myself from doing so im not certain that they dont already know as when i found out I was so angry I blasted it all over Facebook to shame them both something I kind of regret as we are still together so I guess I look like the fool, but when I put it out there some of her relatives read it her auntie I think it was, so I’m not sure if her parents know or not I do feel like she got away with it I think that’s why I struggle to get past it as I want revenge I want her to suffer for what she did.As for my husband he tells me he’s sorry and will never do it again and that it was a big mistake but to me they’re just words how do you forget all what they did and how do you beleive someone who told you so many lies the day before he came back home he came round to talk to tell me he wanted to come back I said I needed time to think so off he went but instead of going to his mums or somewhere he decided to meet up with her in a hotel one last time, he admitted it later on that they didn’t do anything that night as there were no condoms, well for fuck sake does that make it alright then that there were no bloody condoms what an arsehole but still I took him back like a fool. he doesn’t like talking about it its like he just wants to move on and not go on about it well that’s easy for him to say, whenever I read other people’s comments saying they’re husband is trying really hard to help their wives get through it I don’t know what they mean by that I mean he’s gone and sat through counselling with me and he’s said he’s sorry but what else has he done? I dont think he really knows how to make me feel better so he backs away which makes me worse ,He refuses to come off twitter or Facebook I recently had one of my mad paranoid woman moments and told him that if he wont come off of them then he must delete every woman he’s got on his list of Facebook and twitter friends as I just can’t trust him and him having female friends i dont know on there is making me feel worse but no he won’t do it he just looks at me as if I’ve gone crazy ‘well yeah arsehole i have and its all your God damn fault’ did you ever manage to see or speak to the other woman sw i know I shouldn’t waste my energy on her but I can’t get rid of the feeling i just want to mess her life up like she’s messed up mine.
shatteredwife said:
I never you knew much about the other woman at all. My husband meet her on a chatting up and they meet up twice “over lunch”. I knew she was married with two children and had ” done this before ” ie, meet up with men she’d meet online. Her husband was emotionally absent, apparently. I tried to get my husband to tell me where she worked but he claimed he didn’t know. She knew where my husband worked, evidently. I would seek revenge on the serial home-wrecker if I could. I feel cheated (again) that I can’t. SWxo
Gee said:
I just can’t understand how one woman could do that to another woman especially as she was a mother aswell do they not give a shit that they’re potentially breaking up a family does the thought of their children not enter their minds, theyre just nasty little homewreckers who have absolutely no morals.xx
Sadface said:
Gee, messing up the OW’s life is the major thought in my mind everyday, i want to tell her husband, i want to slash her tire, i want to punch her ugly face, but later when i think about it, the whore isn’t the one who made the vow with me, it’s my husband who promised to love me forever did this to me. If not this OW, there will be other ones, i can’t fight them all. If our husbands were the ones with moral and integrity, no matter how many whores out there were trying to seduce them, it wouldn’t have worked. I just feel so sad i used to think my husband is the only good one out there, but in fact he is just an asshole like everyone else i used to laughed at. Gee, i think the main thing for you to do now is to make sure your husband and the whore are REALLY NO CONTACT, otherwise all the other things you do are just waste of time.
Gee said:
I agree sadface your right its our husbands that made the vow to us not the whores I guess because we,re staying with our husbands and trying to make it work its easy to put a lot of the anger towards the ow you must find it incredibly hard not telling her husband if he doesn’t already know, sometimes the feeling of revenge just takes over me I just can’t help thinking if I could get revenge on her It will make me feel better, when i see pictures of her on facebook smiling away like she hasnt a care in the world and everyone commenting what a lovely girl she is I just want to scream, im here felling like shit and shes getting on with her life i just want to rip her stupid face off, as far as i know there is no contact between them but my husbands work colleague whos a man is her friend so if she wanted to get a message to him she could without me knowing apparently she’s now going out with one of my husbands friends they have both moved away so i have the releif shes not living in our town anymore. like you I too beleived my husband was one of the good ones how wrong I was its like everything you thought they were they’re not I sometimes feel like I don’t know him anymore when does it get better I thought time was supposed to be a healer but I still struggle with it everyday.xx
Tee said:
You have every reason to be upset, angry, and wanting to rip her face off, Gee. What she did to you was hurtful and unjustified, selfish and self-centered. To destroy a marriage by being with someone who is in a committed relationship. How can you not be angry. You have every right to be angry. And it takes a while to heal. Give yourself a break. As far as why a woman would do that to another woman…who knows why. I don’t think they ever consider the pain they are causing someone…they are just stuck on how they feel and that is pretty much all that matters. I am sorry that you’re hurting, and you have every right to feel angry. More than justified. Someone saying they are sorry doesn’t really fix it. There has to be more than that. Counseling yes, but he really needs to rebuild your trust, and that takes a lot of work. I would think if he is willing to be totally transparent about everything he does should say he really is sorry. Actions always speak louder than words…
thisyearsloveblog said:
Gee,
I feel the same way. My husband hasn’t gone to counseling and honestly hasn’t done much in the way of ‘making amends’. It is beyond frustrating. He has changed some of his actions (I.e. not being secretive with his phone, checking in when he is coming home, spending quality time with our family, etc.) but it’s just not enough for me! I really want to dig deep into why this all happened and come out with a stronger marriage as I have heard some couples do. He definitely just wants me to forget everything and move on which I feel is so unfair. Affairs are traumatizing and I am not saying that to be dramatic and everyone here can attest to that. I’m sorry to hear your situation is similar and want you to know that you are not alone. I too have children to think about and that is my driving force to keep this marriage together. I want them to grow up with with both parents, I don’t want people in and out of their lives (I.e. future girlfriends if we were to get divorced) and when I think about other women raising my children even every other weekend per se it infuriates me. I know everyone says that you can’t stay together for the kids but it is so, so hard to see how getting divorced is a better option. I still love my husband and see some good in him, I just wish we could be more connected and he could work on us wholeheartedly. In the meantime, I’m trying to work on myself and my own personal healing which I suppose is all any of us can do.
Gee said:
Thankyou Tee, after I wrote it I suddenly thought im going to get comments telling me not to blame the ow but I didn’t get that instead I got your understanding tee thankyou because I do feel and sound like a crazy woman and that’s not who i am I’m usually a calm quiet person but now because of what he’s done i just have so much anger in me i blame them both, my husband more because hes the one im married to he had everything to lose. Thisyearsloveblog I hope your husband will change his mind about going to counselling although the actual sessions only helped me a little I think the fact that my husband was willing to go helped me more it was hard getting him to go, to start with he refused I kept on and on at him saying if he was really sorry he would go in the end he gave in it gave us the chance to sit down without any distractions and I got to hear his thoughts on it. I feel exactly as you do that if we were to divorce and he found someone else what would happen, the children would spend time with them away from me and what would happen at Christmas would they be they’re one year and with me the next I just could not stand it, it would kill me and like you I feel like the children are holding us together I think now if I decided I wanted a divorce I think the children would blame me they wouldn’t understand that it’s because of what they’re father did they are too young to understand and then I would blame myself for giving up so for now I,ll just keep going with him and hope one day it will get better.thankyou for helping me feel I’m not alone in this xx
Sadface said:
One day i felt so down, so i yelled to my husband ” why the hell i have to suffer for this shit everyday, but the whore can just ran off freely, and acting like nothing happened, i want her to suffer just like i do”, you know what my husband said? He said “baby, she must suffering too, because i chose you instead of her, she must hurts like hell, because in the end, she can’t have me, but you can.” I almost punch him on the face, he think he is some kind of reward, all the women must be honored to have him, fucking narcissistic pig.
stillheresite said:
wow…I’m sorry but I laughed out loud when I read your comment that you wanted to punch him in the face because I felt the very same when my husband said something similar, he said “we won”, “she cant have me because I am staying with you”. WFT? I don’t feel like I won anything. Shouldn’t have been a competition to being with!!!!!
Tee said:
Gee…no no no. you have every right in my opinion to blame the other woman. how can you not. unless he lied to her and told her he was single, she went into it knowing exactly what she was doing. i cannot imagine how painful that is to you and for you. you are not crazy at all, and considering the level of pain you must be experiencing, i would say you’re doing great. give yourself credit.d as far as the kids, no, they might not understand. but, as they get older, they will. my kids hated me for leaving. until they got older and figured it out. just make sure you don’t vilify dad if you choose to leave. that is incredibly hard to do but believe me, it works in your favor in the end. at least it did in my case. hang in there. i think most of the time, the other woman (just my opinion), looks at the whole thing like its a competition…i can get him away from her…also…the whole i am still with you thing…crap. sorry. actions speak louder than words. physically he may be present in the home but where is he emotionally? with someone else? that is still an affair. taking up space in a home when your spouse is mentally with someone else is not a healthy relationship…just a guess. hang in there ladies
Jessica said:
I just found your blog after a search for
Others like me. I have the little ones to look after right now but I’m gojng to read every word later. Thank you for being strong enough to write it all down for other women in search of solidarity after the trauma of being cheated on.
shatteredwife said:
Hi Jessica, hello and welcome. In so sorry you’ve had to come looking for me – I hate it when another betrayed spouse (BS) joins our ranks. Have a read and commend on anything that interests you. You can feel safe here. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Tee said:
Hi Gee…nah, don’t feel guilty. you have every right to be upset…unless he lied to her, she went in knowing what she did, and i can never condone that. i know lots of women over the years who would date married men, or men who were separated from their wives with the attitude, well it’s over between them so i’m going to grab him while i can. it’s wrong…a word you don’t really hear anymore. wrong…wrong…wrong. as far as the guy, he was someone i broke up with years ago, he showed up a few months ago wanting me to sleep with him. when i refused it got ugly and very strange. he was very proud of the fact that he was contacting me and trying to get me into bed and his fiance did not know. i actually almost threw up when he told me. had it down to a science, no paper trail, delete messages on the phone. apparently she is no looker but has lots of money (an attorney) and he charmed his way into her life. so i guess he figured he would marry her for the money and have me on the side for sex. he was very angry – furious in fact, when i told him no. i have been tempted so many times to email her or call her or send a letter…but everyone tells me not to. so i have not. but man…he went into his marriage with the mindset that he was going to cheat, which baffles me. i suggested as nicely as i could that he either postpone the wedding, get pre-marriage counseling, talk to his fiance (there’s a thought) about the issues in their relationship. nope. i’m getting married because she adores me and has money and i’ll just get sex on the side to compensate for the lack of in the relationship. it sickens me. he knew going into the relationship that he has no attraction to her whatsoever, and was (is) very proud of the fact that she did not know. so little respect for the woman he sang his vows to…to want to cheat on her and then laugh to me about how she did not know and would never find out. sick.
Gee said:
Wow that poor woman so so sad he just wants her for her money its disgusting do good men even exist im seriously beginning to wonder.Tonight I asked my husband to come off twitter but before I could even finish the sentence he shouts ‘ not fuckin this again what do you want me to do, you want to control my life, we need to just get past it and move on. I explained that because I can’t trust him I get stressed out seeing all these girls I don’t know on his friends list and if he understood how it makes me feel he would come off it so he says you’ve got to trust me I can’t have my life controlled’. but how the fuck can I if he doesn’t help me trust him?? I don’t want to control his life but I’m never going to get past it im never going to trust him ever again I know after all this time I should be feeling better i feel like giving up and going it alone just me and my children I don’t know what to do never thought my life would be like this.
shatteredwife said:
Gee, you need to convince your husband to get into joint counselling because right now, he had no idea of the devastation he has caused you. And he doesn’t even really sound very concerned about it. If I were you, if be very concerned. SWxo
Tee said:
Hi Gee…Shattered Wife. Yes, very sad. Worse still is that if I contact her, she will never believe it or he will convince her that it is a jealousy thing (I picked you instead of her). There was a reason why i put the relationship into “friend” status. I gave him some “this is how this will work if you want to be with me”. He didn’t, or couldn’t or wouldn’t, so our status became that of friends. Poor lady. You can tell from the pics that she was just overjoyed that someone wanted to marry her. Yikes. Like i said…didn’t even know he was engaged.
Also there are good men out there. But it may take some time to meet one. Don’t want to insult your husband but wow. I would suggest counseling with someone whose specialty is infidelity and marriage repair. And if he will not go (I’m guessing he will not think it necessary), then go for yourself. Go to find out who you are, what you want, to help bring some clarity into your thought process, and to get some healthy self-esteem going. Old adage…actions always speak louder than words. Just me, but if he was really sorry about the pain he had caused you, he would (and should) be bending over backwards to kiss your fanny and do whatever it takes to help re-establish your trust. And I mean whatever it takes. you have every right to question what he is doing online and with who. he should be totally transparent at this point and accountable as well. Hope that helps. Hang in there ladies
Gee said:
Hi sw we’ve had about ten counselling sessions last year whilst we were there we talked about when I’m feeling shit instead of him just carrying on as normal and ignoring it, which is what he’s always done, he would reassure me instead that he’s here because he loves me and he sat there and agreed that’s what he would do so i went away thinking maybe things would get better but he hasnt done that he says its because I’m unapproachable and when I’m in a mood as he calls it he backs off when I said this to him tonight his answer was that I don’t do what the counseller said either which is be more affectionate to him and he’s right I don’t because im struggling to get past it, its like we,re stuck in a vicious circle he said he has been trying saying he’d brought me flowers which he has done and that hes done up the kitchen for me and stuff like that but he gets nothing back for it as I show him no affection he says I’m not doing my bit to make it better and he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to do he told me sarcastically to write a list. He doesnt seem to get that buying me things like flowers etc isn’t really what I need I just need him to help me trust him again.
Tee said:
Wow, that is a heavy load to put on someone who is hurting and whose trust and faith in their partner has been totally shredded. Not to add pain to your pain, but it sounds like he is just shifting the blame almost. Well…because you didn’t do this…I can’t/won’t do that. And you’re right…flowers don’t make it all better. Nice touch but still. As far as affection, seems a little unreasonable to expect that after your heart has been shattered and broken. Have you tried just counseling for you? Not him…just a safe place where you can not focus on the marriage relationship part for the moment, and focus on you? I know that almost sounds kind of selfish, but in a way it’s really not. Sort of like being a mom…if you’re sick or tired or way stressed or overloaded, you can’t be the best mom you can be. With all the emotional stuff you’re dealing with, he cannot expect instant results. This isn’t a microwave setting…yeah, i hurt you, okay, here are some flowers…just get over it. Ummm, it does take a lot of time for those I know who chose to stay, and it is an ongoing process. Recovery takes a lot of work after an affair. A lot. Maybe (just a suggestion, please take lightly…no offense, not trying to offend)…maybe just counseling for you. Not someone who is in it for the sessions and to make money, but someone who can help you sort out your feelings…help you get to the reality of the issue. Because when your emotions are on a roller coaster, it is really hard to see where something is truly your fault, or vaild, to where you are being made to feel guilty when you are not really doing anything wrong. It is easy to place blame on someone when they are hurting so the offending party does not have to feel bad. My ex blamed part of his cheating on the fact that dinner wasn’t always ready on time. When I was scramblling to save the marriage, yeah, that made sense until a very logical friend said that was the stupidest thing she had ever heard. Also, not sure if you have any, but you want to surround yourself with patient and logical friends, not ones who will call him a bastard everytime you talk to them (which may also be valid, but does not really help you). Hang in there Ms. Gee…hang in there!!!
Gee said:
Hi Tee thankyou I’m hanging on for now, for some reason I feel slightly better today I think it’s cause of the massive argument last night I had felt like shit for days before we had it, its like a release I keep it all inside then it just all comes out. He’s come off twitter (well deleted the app for now) but his account is still there so no doubt when he’s at work he could just go back on It i just wish he could be more understanding and willing to get the trust back but he just sees it as me wanting to control his life which is pretty childish he just doesn’t seem to get it. Counselling for just me is probably a good idea but I just can’t afford it they are all So expensive. I can’t believe what your ex said blaming the cheating on the fact his dinners not ready on time Christ its like they run out of excuses and they can’t think what to say they blame everything but themselves its shocking xx
Tee said:
Hey Ms. Gee…was wondering…some places do sliding scale…if income is an issue. You may have to hunt a bit but they are out there. I would avoid church counseling for now…long story…i attend church so that says a lot. Yes, my ex blamed me for everything…easier to blame than take responsiibility..
Alicia T said:
Ms. Gee…how are you doing today? How are you feeling? you hanging in there? how are things going for you? was wondering…
Tee said:
Not sure if my last comment posted, but wanted to know how you are doing Ms. Gee…you hanging in there? been wondering and hoping you are doing okay and taking care of yourself.
Gee said:
Hi Tee sorry, ive not been on here for a few days I’m doing ok since we had that big argument,I think he’s feeling guilty about it, I’m trying my best not to get stressed with it all again I’m trying to stay positive this time because lately I’ve been having too many down days that I just can’t seem to snap out of , I’m thinking its going to be alright and we,ll stay together as a family but it hangs over me its always there its the triggers that set me off and their everywhere but for now I’m doing ok how about you how are you? Xx
Tee said:
Hi Ms. Gee. I am sorry sorry sorry you are down. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Sorry you had the big fight, too. Once again, I cannot imagine what you are going through. Please do something nice for yourself…maybe take a few hours….bubble bath perhaps, go to the park and read a good book…IDK.
I am doing okay, and then not so okay. I have days where I am so grateful that Igot out of the relationship when I did, then other days when I go over in my mind the comments that he made…and I feel like my brain goes on re-set all over again, and I have to struggle with the hurt and depression again. Like my brain goes on repeat with what he said. What I cannot get out of my mind was just the awful grin he had on his face as he is looking at me and telling me “she doesn’t know”. And he’s smiling like he hit the lottery or something…huge grin on his face. I guess the utter disgust at knowing that to him, women are just a commodity…something to be used for his purposes and personal narcissistic agenda, whatever that is…sex, finances, status (hey family,…I am married now – look, I have the successful wife, the house, the dog – check me out) is what gets me. And for him, she is just another tool in his personal agenda, and to heck with actually caring about her as a person. I would imagine this Valentine’s Day he will be sending her flowers and gushing about his love for her. I wonder how that would feel to her if I could forward her the email he sent to me out of the blue one day of his privates – after he had already moved in with her no doubt gushing his love. So doing okay. They had a gripload of candles on sale and bath bed and beyond, so I’ve been lighting scented candles, findding ways to stay busy. I had coffee with a lady this past week who atually listened so I got to do some unloading as well. But it has been a struggle. Glad I didn’t marry the guy, but wow…what he did. You hang in there and know you are a wonderful, beautiful, valuable human being who has much to offer this world. I know you may not feel like it now, but it does get better. All hurt I think takes time to get over. Smiles and comforting hugs to you Ms. Gee!
Ms Jaded said:
HUGE hugs and kudos to you SW. I’m a big believer in doing whatever you need to do to restore some peace and balance in your life while you travel towards healing. People who don’t know how it feels to be cheated on and lied to by their spouse are incapable of fully understanding the trauma and damage it causes to the faithful betrayed. They JUST DON’T GET IT. There are some that can empathise with your situation but until they’ve been there, they don’t know the depths. I went into my Dr’s office 5 months before D Day and got my first ever prescription for an anti depressant. The mental and emotional strain of knowing something was up with my husband and my marriage had me at breaking point physically. I was a hot mess, it was just an awful time. At this point I had nothing but denials from his lying ass, but I KNEW something bad was happening. My anxiety was through the roof. My Dr was AMAZING. She had me in tears while she talked me through accepting that there is no shame in taking AD meds. She told me I’d done a brave thing and that I was doing what many people don’t do – which was recognise that I needed to make my mental and emotional health a priority. That I was totally worth taking care of too and on some level, (even in my despair) I must know that or I wouldn’t have been sitting in her office with the balls (Yep she said BALLS. Haha!) to ask for help. ADs worked for me. The side effects were slightly annoying (indigestion and excessive yawning of all fucking things lol) but minimal and the pros really outweighed the cons. I was on them for 5 months before the cheaters’ affair was exposed and I think if I hadn’t been, the emotional fallout for me would’ve been much worse than it was. Weird that I got to a ‘good’ space before the shit hit..but fuck it. I stopped taking them cold turkey (not recommended by Dr btw) on D day and felt fine, actually better than ever. I think the disclosure of the truth did that more than anything. I went back on them for a few months at about 12 months post D Day when things got a bit dark again. I guess my point is, I’ve got zero regrets about doing what I needed to do to get through that shit. Absolutely none. My depression and anxiety was deep and there’s a chance that I might not be here now if I hadn’t taken that step and that’s just not acceptable. I’ve got kids who love me to the moon and back and the feeling is more than mutual. We all deserve to be as happy and healthy as we can be. I took my medication to balance out my brain chemicals and that gave me the freedom to keep building on the things in my life that made ne happy. I’d do it again if I had to. The real point of my post is to thank you for sharing what you’re doing here. It’s a great thing SW. Keep rockin’ it lady, you’ve got this ❤
shatteredwife said:
Hi Ms Jaded, it’s been a while, how are you? So wonderful to hear from you! Thank you for your generous comment. Yes, I’m sticking out the meds for a while – I need to for my own sanity. My side effects include a dry mouth, feeling tired, and feeling constantly hungry. I’m not sure this is the correct dose for me… What dose worked for you? I’m on 75mg at the moment but am considering 150mg. My main concern would be increased side effects. Thank you for sharing your story about meds. What are you up to these days? SWxo
Ms Jaded said:
I’m doing great right now thanks love! I was taking a different medication than you are (Citalopram) but I started on the max dose of 40mg daily. Is 150mg the maximum for yours? I think you should totally talk to your Dr about what you need and if you’re not sure about how it’s working. Hopefully she can tweak it until they’re working well for you. I got tapered down to 20mg when I went back on them after D Day which worked fine for me, but I’m glad I got the higher dosage when I started out. Having never taken anything like that before I needed some convincing that they’d ‘work’ but didn’t know what to expect. I was also worried that any good effects I got from them would be an unnatural high and I that even if I might feel happy it’d be like a drug-induced fake happy. I’m really embarrassed to say I was one of those people that thought taking anti-depressants just turned you into a zombie who went through the motions. All of which is SO not true! It didn’t take long for me to see in practice how meds really work. Relationship wise, things are slowly balancing out. We’re approaching the 2 year D Day antiversary in February and having some really good days. I’m still accepting that I’m married with children to someone who acted like a complete shitbag when I wasn’t looking. Barf. I still have days where I just don’t like my H. I have angry days too, usually due to some random shit trigger. When that happens I usually need to get the hell out of dodge for an hour or so or I ask him to. Sometimes I’m prepared to deal with it in a constructive way and can communicate like an adult, other times I’m overwhelmed when I get hit with it and drop F bombs and throw magazines until he takes the hint. I’m doing better with this but eherm..yes, there’s still some room for growth;) Within myself though, separate from my marriage, I’m in a better place. I started a daily walk and work out routine in early Dec, mainly for stress release and me-time but as a cool side effect I managed to lose 14lbs. I’m loving the new look and my self-esteem points have gone up some and I really wanted those back! After being a SAHM for years, I’ve accepted an offer of a part-time job that just so happens to fit perfectly around my regular momma responsibilities and routine. I start in Feb. I won’t be making mega bucks BUT it’s been on my list of things I want to do to get some independence back. I’m looking forward to it and any new opportunities it might bring. Huge deal for me because pre-affair, I was uncomfortable with the idea of having anything going outside of my home-life with my husband and family. I thought making my marriage my number one priority would keep it safe and whole. I thought my devotion to my husband and our life was all I needed to be happy. Now I’m moving towards creating my healthy balance. My counselor made thousands in fees last year just to get me to this point haha! Well SW, thanks for asking after me I appreciate it. I still read here, and I like to check in and see how you’re doing. Yours is one of the first blogs I read after my D Day that accurately described how my world was imploding at the time and I’m so grateful to you for that. Take care hun.
KJ said:
Hello SW, it’s been a while since I’ve commented here, I’ve been making a conscious effort to spend less time in the ‘blogosphere’ and focus more on the present, but certain blogs have meant so much to me that I find myself coming back, and yours is one of them. Your bracing honesty and anger is just utterly refreshing, I know that might seem like a strange thing to be drawn to but honestly there is just so much crap out there with reconciliation blogs, shit about accepting blame and affair fogs and nursing your cheating spouse through their grief over losing their affair partner and stuff, gimme a break! I love how you call BULLSHIT on these lame excuses, sometimes the raw emotion in your writing can stop my breath in its tracks, but it is so NECESSARY! You have made me feel like I have a comrade, that I am not alone in my feelings, and even more than that you have made me feel validated. I’m not saying that we should be angry forever, but anger is a great tool for self-preservation, and when you have been so deeply betrayed it is so much better to acknowledge your pain and rage than to stuff it all under the rug of “I must have made him cheat/I mustn’t scare him off with my feelings” etc. As someone who suffers with clinical depression (I was diagnosed in my teens) I am so proud of you for taking the steps to look after yourself. I also have three young kids and a husband and a job and with all those things on the go we often neglect ourselves, so it’s wonderful to hear you giving yourself some much-needed love and attention. I know that hearing your doctor say “Do it to be the best mother for your children” must have resonated in your heart, but for what it’s worth I think you ARE the best mother any kid could ask for. You are strong, honest, compassionate, funny, and although your kids might never truly know the full extent of what’s happening now just remind yourself of how hard you are working to keep their family intact and give them a stable and loving environment to grow up in! You might get snappy with your husband but you have shown him immense compassion by even staying and giving your marriage another chance. I think you are a colossus of a woman, maybe one day I’ll realise my dream of visiting Australia and we can raise a glass together, as warriors and comrades-in-arms. I wish you all the happiness and peace and love in the world for 2016, it might just be your year girl!!
Love, KJ XX
shatteredwife said:
Hello KJ, so great to hear from you! You are right — anger is a terrific self-preservation tool. I think it also indicates how much we love our partners. If we didn’t love then, we wouldn’t be angry at then for betraying us. We’d simply shrug our shoulders and walk out.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I, too, had a select few blogs I followed avidly. Too many others simply didn’t ‘speak’ to me. I’m glad what I’ve said resonated with you. I only write all this crap out so it doesn’t fester inside me! I have a new post out next week which I’ve been working on for the past two weeks. I hope that it, too, speaks to you. Sending you love and hugs, KJ. SWxo
Sarah said:
Just discovered your blog has really helped me. Do you live in England, is there a group we can join to talk in person? Am not with my husband anymore but really feel I would never trust a man again, think the Internet has ruined loving fAithful relationships!
shatteredwife said:
Hi Sarah, I’m sorry to hear you’ve travelled this well-worn path. I’m in Australia. You can read more about me on my ‘About Me’ page. SWxo
Kani said:
Yesterday was the my one year discovery day. Holy fuck where did this year go… I have so many mixed feelings but also a sense of survival is sinking in. I made it to this year. I survived. We are fucking survivors. Whether we have left our cheating partners or somehow have discovered a new relationship with our partner. We are alive. We are fighters. We are strong.
Allyna said:
Thank you for this
I’m a wife who walked in on my husband and so called friend
I am a mess, up and down like in on a emotional roller coaster
It’s nice to hear other women are going through this, I realize it’s more common that one thinks but all I have found other than ur post is so negative and just makes me more confused than where I am
I have a 1yr old and I’m still not 100% sure of what I want to do, I want it to work but I want to be sure I’m making the right choice not because of my baby or because everyone else says so… (His family)
I always put everyone before me, I need to learn how to put me forward
shatteredwife said:
Hi Allyna, I’m so sorry your husband and friend betrayed you. It’s a double whammy – you lose your marriage and a friend at the same time. It’s so hard when your baby is so young. Mine was 6 months old when I discovered my husband’s affair. He’s now almost 3. I don’t regret staying but I don’t love my husband like I used to. Part of me has died and can’t be brought back. Yet here I still am. Sending you love and hugs. SWxo
Aallyna said:
Thanks
I just sent a better description of what happened
I appreciate being able to hear from someone who knows what I’m going through
Aalayn said:
How do you move on?
I want to, but I fear my choice may be wrong?
I’m also in Australia
I’m only 28
I just want what’s best for my baby 💔 And me
shatteredwife said:
Gosh, 28, you are so young. What an idiot your husband is. How do you move on? No idea. One hour turns into the next hour, the next day, the next month. Eventually you stop crying, stop stressing about every little thing. The pain eases but hurt stays with you forever. No-one is rushing you to make a decision. Stay until you decide not to. SWxo
Allyna said:
Do you find yourself still questioning why you are still there?
See it’s only early days still it’s only been almost 2 months
But I question myself what if I go, will I be happier, will it be better?
But then I feel like I have to stay, I want to but it’s like there is 80% of me wanting to stay yet 20% maybe saying I shouldn’t
It’s hard and being able to ask someone who is battling through this really helps me
Hope you don’t mind, I reall appreciate the support
shatteredwife said:
I ask myself every fucking day why I’m still here. And it’s been almost 2.5 YEARS for me. I don’t want my children to grow up with part-time parents. That’s my overriding thought. Ask as many questions as you like. I remember what it’s like to feel so incredibly sad and so very alone. What’s your husband doing and saying? Was that the first time they hooked up? SWxo
shatteredwife said:
Hey Allyna, I’ve between thinking oh you and your bub. How are you going? SWxo
Aallyna said:
I am so glad I have read this
My heart is breaking at the moment
My head is a mess and I feel so alone at times
I want to publicly shame this girl who did this to me!
She was a friend, supposedly
She started training at the gym with my husband and then she stayed at ours a bit cause she just LOVED my daughter
My baby girl not hers
Without going into to much
She had been staying over and one night I went to bed, it was 11pm
My hubby was watching while Maria was cooking (meal prep for the week)
At 11.45 my princess woke me on the monitor I settled her down and then realized that my hubby wasn’t on the couch, all the lights where off. The front bedroom door was open, lights off.
I walked up and there they were…
She gasped (I can’t forget the sound)
They both came out of the room after I turned and walked away
I can’t remember exactly what I saw, but I saw him naked thrusting 💔
As soon as he came out he was a mess so upset and just sobbing
I threw our wedding rings at him
Turns out she threw herself at him
But he took the bait and I’m not saying it’s ok, he fucked up, he broke what we had
I could go on and on about it, but I hate reliving this, she walks around freely, acting like nothing has happened making me sound like a bad mum
I don’t know what to do, I want the relationship to work but I don’t some things
I don’t want to, I want our baby to have a happy life, but for once in my life I’m trying to put me first, I don’t know what to do or how to do it
shatteredwife said:
Oh Allyna, what a bloody mess. I’m so sorry you’ve joined our ranks. And what a skank your so-called friend turned out to be. Fucking bitch. I hope you screamed and threw something at her, too. Sending you love and hugs. It does get easier but it’s never the same. SWxo
shatteredwife said:
There’s a Maria Elenis in NT, is that her? Give her a profile on shesahomewrecker.com. What a slut. SWxo
Allyna said:
Hi
Yea we are doing ok, having good days and bad
My little girl keeps me going xx
Find myself questioning how and if I can keep my family together
But at the same time I find myself seeing a chance to change things a new path if I wanted, a new start in life
But I love my husband, I do, I just get so broken
The Maria u saw on FB, that’s her
I hate it, I see her in town with other people I know, she is having fun and this doesn’t effect her at all.
She told me she was leaving Darwin
That’s clearly not happening anymore
She just walks over me cause she has so much confidence in herself.
See in someone who can deal with how I look but I struggle with my confidence, I’m just a normal chick I can’t do great make up and I don’t do fashion so well.
I want to but it’s never been something I’ve been great with, don’t get me wrong I know I’m not a bad looking chick without sounding up myself but I’m just me
I dunno, I have always been the cruise, fun, lay back gf/wife
All my mates (guys) always said how luck my husband was cause I never doubted him, I never questioned him… Now I feel like because I never had a guard up I allowed this to happen.
Everyday he apologizes, he has been really good but I’m struggling
We go to counciling this week so it should be interesting as he is one not to open up and talk.
But I’ve been to this councilor (who is a guy) twice and it’s given me a chance to talk I suppose
It’s still really confusing
Heartbreaking
It just upsets me that she can get away with this, I want to tell the whole Greek community about her but I’m not that person, I want to make her life hell but I’m scared at the same time
I dunno I’m to soft or just not strong enough to do so.
Last time we communicated she made me feel like the horrible person, cause I was emailing her telling her how much I hated her and that I was in so much pain still, yes I know I shouldn’t have emailed her but my emotions where high and I wanted her to know she was killing me.
I dunno, I let her walk over me.
I have always been this person who worries about everyone else before me and I let people walk over me
I’m trying to change for the better but it’s hard and it’s not me 💔
Other than all that I’m ok
shatteredwife said:
She sounds like a complete fucking bitch. I hope your husband has cut off all communication with her and that her is now training somewhere else. Listen, you can’t be the soft one here. I come from a background very similar to yours so I understand. My husband’s affair started when my baby was 2 months old. I found out 6 months later. Time for my baby was STOLEN by that whore. I spent so much time picking myself up off the floor. I completely fell apart. I say make that Maria skank pay. I can help. Interested in my offer? SWxo
Allyna said:
Thanks SW
What do you have in mind?
shatteredwife said:
Firstly, how does your husband feel about her? Has he told you to lay off or anything?
Allyna said:
No, he says he hasn’t talking to the stupid c**t
There is no sign of them communicating still.
Allyna said:
Is there any way I can communicate with u privately other than on a public website blog page x
shatteredwife said:
Sure can, email me at shatteredwife@mail.com SWxo
Feelingsosad said:
I came upon this after searching for something to help me. By D-day, I’m assuming it means disclosure. It’s been almost 18 months since I found out. 15 months since I disclosed ( I had good reason to hold off). The first year I was numb. I am not a secret-keeper. I believe they make you sick, but I haven’t told our kids, his family or mine.
I can’t believe how much this is effecting me. I’ve recently become very depressed and yet don’t want to talk about it anymore; to him or my friends who do know. I’m emotionally eating and not feeling anything. Does this eventually lift. Is being at this point after 18 months normal?
Έλληνες κορίτσι said:
Shattered by an affair
To watch a couple… A wonderful loving caring couple.. To only see them left with a broken marriage which they are putting everything in too to hold together.
Haunted by the stupid Darwin Έλληνες κορίτσι who acts tough to others because of her coltural background and to only act out as if she is the victim of what she caused.
Cheaters… Seriously we realize it takes two to cheat but when one has done cheating before and has been raised in a family where cheating has obviously become something which is accepted to them.
How αηδιαστικός and shameful can one be?
Shame shame shame, the truth will hurt, the truth is known of your ways throught out.
Only if you really understood what true love was or is, you would understand that pain and suffering you cause from your destructive path.
He has a child and a new girlfriend, you are not apart of his life!
They are married and have a child – you should never had been there.
πόρνη
I stand by my friends and pray you meet your maker.
themagicattraction said:
Have you ever read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne? You should.
I just found out after 3 years of marriage and a child and constant mental and emotional abuse that my husband has been visiting prostitutes. I thank God for guiding me to this evidence because before I lead a foggy existence, confused and chaotic to say the least as to why things never added up.
The puzzle pieces fell into place.
I dont want to live in such anger and hate all my life.
We deserve something better, we weren’t born to serve lowlife asses who never learn because wifey stuck around, still playing mommy making things easy.
Mine doesn’t even want to admit it which makes me more determined. There’s no love if there’s no regret or remorse.
I’m using the above book and all Rhondas books to make me stronger more empowered. I can visualise a better life for me and daughter, a better husband, father for my child.
Read the book and it wont happen overnight but you’ll find a new hope.
Blesd you and take care
shatteredwife said:
I’ve always been sceptical about this book, but if it helps you through this trauma, then that’s what matters.
Love and hugs to you. SWxo
Not so perfect, just hurt said:
So it’s been almost 10months now
I’m still with my husband and we are going good, I’m still battling my demons in my head and especially the one who brings that so called friend to mind.
They tell me to breath and try to relax so the thoughts leave but seriously how can you.. don’t get me wrong I try
But this chick just gets under my skin
I live in the same town and had the same network of friends, so many remain her friend which I suppose I understand but then totally hate.
How do you ladies deal with this?
Don’t get me wrong my dealings with the whole affair was to tell people, by word of mouth not social media but gee I wish I could just discrace her (a friend put her on a cheating website and then next minute I got a written warning for actions of a DVO against me, I didn’t even do that – sometimes I wish it was me though)
This girl plays victim while my world was turned upside down..
How do you all deal with your anger and pain?
debtcontmedtoni said:
Can I just say what a aid to find somebody who truly is aware of what theyre speaking about on the internet. You positively know methods to carry a problem to gentle and make it important. Extra people must read this and understand this facet of the story. I cant believe youre not more fashionable because you undoubtedly have the gift.
Hells said:
Thank you for finding positivity in staying, and in fighting for your family. I am 12 months in. I stay, like you, because currently there is a shard of hope. I deserve to fight if there is fight left in me. My children deserve for me to fight. I am not passing judgement on anyone for any decision they make in this horrendous position we find ourselves in. I am just thankful to have found someone who utters every destructive thought i’ve felt since D-Day (fucking hate that term!) but who still choose to stay. I am reading your story from the start I have no idea how it ends. I am scared to read on. But your words have helped me, as I am sure they have helped countless others. Sending love. From a fellow stupid wife. X
shatteredwife said:
Hello Hells, thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad something about my blog resonates with you. I still remember the days immediately after D-Day (yes, sucky term) as I roamed the internet looking for something that could make sense of the senseless.
I hope you kept reading. I fought for my family even when I was a hundred percent sure there was nothing left fighting for. I went through hell and back, as all betrayed spouses do, and came out the other side 4 years later.
Today, I am happy I stayed. I’m glad I didn’t rush to leave, and took my time to work out what the fuck I was going to do.
I wish you love and strength. Read the comments. SWxo
Dave said:
I know this is well after the fact and things may have changed quite a bit for you but regardless:
One thing you didn’t seem to consider here is that when you go on those medications and quit it will ALWAYS make your depression worse, way worse. Depending on how long you’ve been on it that can last for months even a year or 2. I think you need a change in routine, hobbies that make you happy, perhaps some yoga and definitely therapy NOT permanently mind altering drugs. Also, perhaps some marriage counseling if you really want to save this. In the end, the marriage just may not be salvageable. That’s just the reality sometimes and it’s totally fine and your kids should be fine and adjust in the long term.
shatteredwife said:
Wow, aren’t you a ball of sunshine? I fought taking antidepressants for years until I could manage no more. I’ve been on them for five years now and see no reason to quit. Thanks for dropping by. SW
Ella said:
Hello SW! You won’t remember me. But I sooo will always remember you and your story. I havent subscribed to your blog in years. I left the ex in 2014. But before that you were the one who got me out of bed! Idk how I would have got this far if not for you and this forum. Seeing 100’s of other women go through my exact state of mind and situation sure helped me put my life into perspective. My life has taken me to a different place that I didnt think I could ever find again. Built a home for myself & my son. We dont have much, but its ours and for that I am forever grateful. My ex helps alot with our son now which makes a big difference and I forgave him. I had to, I could not keep carrying that baggage as it was his BS not mine. And it wasnt easy, but I did it.
I am still single, still hopeful love will find me one day. Until then I am just live my life fo me and my kids. I have a decent job that has given me so much independence! I want even more of that now. Which is why I wanted to comment. Im craving freedom of a different kind now. The kind that I never knew. I had to learn after being with somebody else. Omg I have tried with a few different fellas and none of them get me. So I choose to be single.
Please dont let him dim your shine anymore!!! You owe it to yourself to shine girl!!! Dont stay in a loveless marriage.
Thank you so much for helping me!!! Whether you knew it or not ❤
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, Ella, I’m so happy to hear how far you have come! I’m always in awe of anyone who can forgive this level of betrayal. Well done to you, it can’t have been easy. And thank you for dropping in to comment. You have made my day! SWxo