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affair, affair infidelity trauma husband wife betrayal diet, asshole, betrayal, betrayed spouse, cheater, cheating, cheating husband, fuck it all, good days, hate, hope, infidelity, love, marriage, whore, women
At some stage, without consciously being aware, you’ll realise you’ve had more good days than bad.
Dealing with the aftermath of an affair is draining. Your body is in shock. You stop eating. You stop functioning. It’s tiring. It’s humiliating.
It’s just fucking exhausting.
So when the sun shines on your face and you realise you’ve had more good days than bad, you see a glimpse of hope.
What turned it around for me was a simple quote I read. It’s funny how one thing can strike such a chord with you that it forces you to not only see things a different way but actually ACT a different way. The quote that turned my life around was simply this: “You are what you think about all week.” For some reason, it hit home with me. You are what you think about all week.
So then I took stock of what I thought about all week: “My husband cheated on me. I’m married to a cheater. I hate my life. I hate myself. I’m going fucking crazy. I don’t know what I want. I hate what my husband did. My husband doesn’t love me. I want to leave. My children are stopping me from leaving. I shouldn’t have married him. I should have seen this coming. His father was a cheater. I hate that he has so many female friends. He’ll do this to me again. I should leave him. I’ll never trust him again. I’ll never forgive him for how he treated me and the children. I cannot even look at him. I HATE HIM!”
THAT’S what I thought about all week.
FUCK!
What a joyless, bitter, hate-filled existence.
I didn’t want to be that person! I DID NOT!
During the week, I read another powerful mantra used by a fellow betrayed wife: “That was then, this is now.” I love the hope in that statement! This is now. It’s different. It has the potential to be great!
I love that there is this wonderful band of strong women online who are encouraging and supporting of their fellow sisters going through this shitty journey.
Speaking of which, did you know affair blogs even existed before you discovered your partner had cheated on you? I can honestly say I had no idea. Only people who have suffered as a result of an affair go looking for help online.
On that note, be aware there are affair blogs that pretend to be resources for betrayed spouses but are really just a front for cheaters to defend themselves, blame their (non-sexual and/or non-caring) spouse for their need to cheat, and justify their selfish actions. Please, if you have been cheated on, be careful whose advice you read and take. Those of us who have been around for a while know exactly what I’m referring to. For those new to this heartache, tread with care.
(The first book I read post-affair discovery was ‘The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity’ by Scott Haltzman. It helped me understand I wasn’t alone in my mad thoughts, that my husband’s behaviour had indeed been inappropriate, and the basic need to set boundaries. I loved the author’s position that an outsider is either a friend of the marriage or a threat to it. I can recommend this book if you are looking for something to help you make sense of your broken life.)
As I was saying, the only people who frequent these kinds of blogs are those who have been cheated on, or cheaters themselves. Not many people just casually drop by to read how the lives of women have fallen apart because of cheating asshole husbands.
What saddens me is that in the few short months I’ve been writing this blog, it’s had more than 50,000 visits. That number blows my mind. So many cheats, so many shattered lives. Every time I hear yet another news story about how the number of prescriptions written for antidepressants is going through the roof, I think “Well, of course it bloody is! There are so many cheaters out there and cheating is easier than ever. The only way women can take the edge off the depression, the sadness, the anger, the hopelessness, the suicidal thoughts, the constant triggers, the insanity, is with these drugs!”
I am now 11 months out from D-Day. I can honestly say that I have more good days than bad, but this week will be a huge challenge for me. It’s my husband’s birthday. This time last year, my husband was a complete asshole. He was short with me and the kids. His nose was always in his phone. He bit my head off when I tried to compliment him about a project he was working on. He was unimpressed with the birthday card and gift I gave him. He was sullen when we went out for his birthday. He didn’t comment on my appearance (hey, I went all out!). He seemed ungrateful. He wasn’t interested in me.
Naturally, it all made sense when I busted him a few weeks later messaging some married whore telling her he want to put his lips inside her pussy.
But at the time, none of it made any sense to me. I was completely and utterly lost.
I am thankful for the blogs, books, comments and words of encouragement from all of you. Some are past this point in the journey, many of you are just beginning.
I want to give you hope. The days do get better. There will be a time when you are not completely consumed by thoughts of the affair, of them together, of how fucking selfish and stupid your husband behaved, of your pitiful life.
I cannot tell you when that day will be for you. For me, it came at the 10-month mark. Don’t get me wrong – I have crappy days where I ask myself what the fuck I’m still doing here and how I can still be with that ungrateful man who was willing to risk everything.
But for the most part, I try to remind myself that I am what I think about all week. That I want my children to grow up with two parents. That we can get back on track and create a marriage that still means something.
I wish the same for you, too.
SWxo
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST. Reading this gives me hope that someday I too will have more good days than bad days.
You’ll get there if you choose to. SWxo
I’ve missed you! I just got a good talking to today by Rizzo. and yeah I’ve been pretty joyless. I’m glad you are at an encouraging mark. I think I’m still at mark I don’t why I ever fell for you in the first place.. ugh.. but my thoughts are my actions.. and I hate being a unhappy spouse.. I do.. it’s no fun at all 😦
I have my hands full with three little ones so I write when I can! Great to hear from you. I follow your journey very closely. SWxo
I’m glad you are doing better and have found hope! I know I will get there someday all the fear is what keeps eating away at me. The fear of many things and I know this is unhealthy for me but I just can’t get past it although I have faith I will one day!
Well… I only cry once or twice a week now so I’d say that’s progress on my part. It’s so hard sometimes cause nothing is out in the open. He still denies and I am still looking for that irrefutable proof. If I pretend everything is normal will we survive this? If I pretend this is all just a nightmare will it finally go away? Or does it give unspoken permission for him to carry on? How long can I accept this without totally losing myself?
Hmmmm so damn heartbreaking that there are 50,000 others out there seeking answers like me. I wish your blog could give me the answers I seek. Sadly I’ve only realized only I can answer my own questions. Thank you for your blog. Somedays I visit and read everything. Other days I skim over when I can’t bear that reality screams that you are talking about me. So it’s only been 7mths and I’m just finally starting to feel like I am getting back on track. But that’s only 55% of me! I still have a long way to go. But at least I’m still standing and can only keep praying my heart somewhat heals and doesn’t feel so empty.
Thanks again for this.
Before it was my turn to join the club, I didn’t know blogs like yours existed SW. I knew what cheating was, I had a vaguely naive idea of how hurtful it would be for somebody affected by it, but I guess I just hoped I’d never have to find out what it really felt like to be here. So, blogs/message boards and other resources focused on dealing with the trauma of infidelity just didn’t exist for me. Now I know, people like you who write and share their journey through this experience are a lifeline. Just reading through these posts is comforting. I know it sounds sad, but NOT being alone in this, and just knowing you can describe a bad day, the feelings of despair, heartache and rage and someone out there gets you, makes a difference. Yes, there comes a time when your good days outnumber the shitty ones, and the future has hope again and it’s wonderful to share those things too. That’s why we’re here too, we need to know it gets better. It’s about comfort and needing to restore our faith and know that life can be good after this.
Thanks for posting this…it felt like you were talking to me. It feels good to know there is some hope down the line…
I just found your blog and I feel like you’ve been in my head for the last 6 months. Wow. I’m so sorry that anyone has had to go through what I’ve been going through this year. When you quote your husbands promises to do whatever it takes, the words are my own husbands. I’ve decided to stay with him long enough to go through a foreclosure on our house, paying off our debts in the meantime. Our children don’t know and I’m so worried about telling them. We still hang out together but acting like nothing’s changed is driving me insane. Bottom line though is that I don’t know how to be without him.
Why are you separating? SWxo
We’ve been married for 27 years. 20 years ago he had a 3 year affair. I got pregnant 17 years ago and so we decided to make our marriage work and he ended it with her. We had an awesome 16 years. I told everyone he was my soulmate and I looked forward to growing old with him. A year ago he ran into that same whore and started seeing her again. I found out in April. I was completely blown away and utterly devastated. When I confronted him, he told me he loves her and doesn’t want to lose either one of us. Hmmm. He actually thought he could keep both of us. Because of finances I didn’t kick him out but he continued to see her for another month. We were going to work on just being friends (for the kids and all). I got to see all the texts where they told each other they love each other and couldn’t wait to see each other and crap like that. I watched him get ready for dates with her.
3 weeks after D Day, we started having the hysterical bonding sex. He thought that’s how we would be and ended with her.
I will never trust him or believe him again. Ever. He loves her. He claims there’s been no contact since May and I can’t believe that. I can’t live the rest of my life sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for him to contact her again. I deserve better.
I find it amazing that every word he has said to me is typed in your blogs. All men really do think alike I suppose.
GC
Gosh, that’s so sad. I’m sorry your husband has put you through the emotional wringer. You DO deserve better. What’s the whore’s story? Is she married? How much do you know about her? SWxo
One more thing I wanted to say.
When he was dating her ( and I didn’t know yet) he became such an awesome husband. He was flirty, loving, giving, and fun. I fell back in love with him. Which made discovery feel like someone had died. And someone had. The man that I thought my husband was had died. He no longer existed. Every emotion I went through was just like when my mother passed 20 years ago. In his place, was a man capable of destroying my world while saying he loved me at the same time. I don’t know this new husband nor do I want to devote my life to whoever this guy is. I mourn the loss of the husband I had. Unfortunately he wasn’t my husband, he was her boyfriend.
My heart hurts for you Grace. I also went through what you have described. I hooe you find some kind of peace one day. It is a process of grief you cannot describe.
Everyday is a new challenge as far as trying to manage your broken heart and stay strong. But it gets better. When? I wish I could tell you…. Im still an open wound myself but the days have gotten better 7 mths in now
Wow ladies, this site and a few others have helped me so much. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, married 6, D-day for me Oct 20,2013. I found a text message between him and another women. Our marriage at the time wasn’t good and we bickered and argued everyday, sex for me was a chore and he felt this, we spent every little quality time together, we still loved each other but the communication and flame was burning out. We were heading in the same path as my parent, which they divorced during this time. My husband states he saw this happening to us and didn’t want I life of negativity and fighting. He tells me the affair happened cause he was mad at what was happening to us but didn’t want to and couldn’t leave. One night angry he started a profile on a hook up site and meet her. She I guess was unhappily married and was being treated the same. feeling unappreciated, not desired and vulnerable. This was their common denominator, they meet up a few day after and were intimate. The affair lasted 3 months till I discovered. The other women left her husband and my husband told me that he always told her he wasn’t leaving me and stilled loved me. I should mention, we slept apart for 7 years as our youngest sleep with me.( I realize now this was a very bad habit and should have never happened) I feel ashamed I didn’t see it as he was always home right after work, weekends with us, no time missing saw all his pay cheques so no missing hours of work. Tricking thing is, cause we didn’t sleep together he got up an hour earlier for work and went to her place for a wam bam thank you mam. Their entire relationship was text messaging, a few phone calls and from what I’m told by him they meet up 6 times in the 3 months. The hardest part is seeing I love you babe to another women, he tells me he didn’t mean it said it to make her feel better, Which with the evidence and the transparency he shows I believe him. Along with the fact that the day I found out I asked him to call her in front of me and tell her it’s over and that they can never talk again, he is going to work on his marriage. He did this, he cried and apologized and answered every question I’ve had, her name even. To confirm no communication, he leaves his cell out, and I’ve viewed the billed and detailed usage and no contact seen, not one text. 3 weeks ago we were in a line at the store and low and behold this women had the balls to stand 2 people behind us acting like nothing, watching us and listening to our conversation, I keep wondering why this women was looking right into my eyes, my heart was beating and keep thinking why does she look so familiar, ya that’s why it was her. I did turn around look her in the eyes and said I know exactly who you are and turned back around, was so proud of myself cause I wanted to throw a few. Before I said this to this women I whispered to my husband, look behind me, it her isn’t it? he looked and turned right back around and said nothing, that’s what confirmed it, when he reacted that way I knew she meant nothing to him and as soon as we left the store he apologized to me for putting me in that situation. So there is my story, I am still with my husband and our marriage is better than ever, we have the flame back, we do everything together again, we are working together to change the problems we had and letting eachother know how we feel all the time. A unthinkable, heartbreaking tragedy opened our eyes and made us realize we are in love and still desire and enjoy each other. There is hope but not gonna lie it’s the hardest pill to swallow and I still have my days where I’m mad, sad, hurt, second guess my decision to stay, second guess his love even though he has does everything to show regret and remorse. It is like a death in the mourning process. Thanks for having this blog, it was great to vent to someone
Wow, Amie, thank you so much for sharing. I relate to much of your story, as I’m many of the other betrayed spouses will. I sense a great deal of compassion in you. I am in awe of the progress you and your husband have made. Once again, it was generous of you to share your story. SWxo
Thanks, we all deserve better! The whore was married during their first affair but split up with her husband while she was fucking mine. When my husband ended it then, she got a new boyfriend who looked just like my husband. She stayed with him until just before she ran into my husband last year. Get this…she got pregnant back when I was 17 years ago. During this recent affair she told my husband that she believed the kid was his. When he tried to end it with her she had him do a paternity test. She told her daughter that my husband may be her dad. The test was negative. So she told her daughter that bullshit for nothing! She’s such a fucking idiot! She’s single now, probably just waiting around until my husbands available. LOSER
And a psycho. SWxo
Whilst I rarely post, I check in and read your blog and everyone’s comments a lot. It’s 2 months since I found out and still feel like I’m on a horrible roller coaster. Then today, I’ve read your blog and I cried. This post completely resonates for me. I can’t tell you how profound the impact has been. Yes my husband is a cheating bastard and no, I can’t say if I’ll ever trust him, but I do need hope. A year down the line, and I might feel differently, but today- after reading your words, i feel a bit calmer and a bit freer of my negative thoughts. Thank you sw and all the great women who post on here. You’ve been a lifeline without even knowing it. Xx
When I began this blog, I had no idea it would resonate with so many betrayed wives. As someone with a career in professional writing, I lost my will to work after D-Day. Hell, I lost the ability to even concentrate and string two words together. At four months along, I was still pulling the car over and crying in random locations. Putting everything in words was not only my way of coping, but a way for me to see progress. I can now look at my early posts and see I am no longer that woman completely fallen apart. Progress has been slow, but progress nonetheless. And it will happen for you. Shit days will still rock up every once in a while, but it won’t be your life, day in, day out. Thank you so much for your comment. Sending positive vibes your way. SWxo
Yay! Great, positive post! The days do get better, but there are still tough days. But, there is hope and that’s what we cling to, right? xxoo
I’m 4 months into finding out about my husbands affair. Searching the net for any positive story where the wife is completely ok now. I can’t seem to find it. They have good days but no one is completely ok. I don’t want to be broken forever
Read about Anne Bercht. She believes get husband’s affair is the best thing that ever happened to their marriage! SWxo
hey Jo, dearpeggy.com is also a great site to visit to read an after the affair success story. the founder is a woman who not only survived the aftermath of her husbands affairs, but went on to rebuild her life and her marriage, and along with her husband counselled couples through the pain of infidelity. there’s some really excellent advice there in the q and a letters section too. it helped me hugely in the early days, and i still go back whenever i need to. hope this helps you.
Well I am still trying to hang on and repeat one day at a time, however it just seems so hard to do everyday. It has been 2 months since D day and I feel like I am drowning. I also feel like I am being smothered. My husband who started all this shit whats to spend all of his time with me!!!!! At every opportunity he tells me he loves me. I know that should sound positive but it is not. I want to scream at him shut the fuck up!!!!!! I hate what you have done and I am not sure we are going to make it. I don’t say anything, and he accepts that. I feel like this is not my life. On Friday at work, my friend and co worker came into the office and started to cry. She wanted to tell me that her boyfriend had been cheating on her and he acted very mean about it. I could barely hold myself together. No one knows about assholes affair accept my sister who has been my rock. You see my friend came to me because they all love my husband and think we have the best marriage. When she started to say there must be something wrong with her, I started to cry and told her to never think that way. Men are selfish bottom line. When I got home I thanked my husband once again for putting my in a position where I never thought I would be.
It did not end on Friday. My torture lasted the rest of the weekend. It was Thanksgiving in my part of the world. I had to spend time with family and listen to my mom tell me what a great husband I have! I thought my sister was going to choke on her drink. I sat there with a straight face, dying just a little bit more inside. The irony of this weekend past is that this was the time my husband started his affair. After he returned from his get away with the guys. I actually laughed at out loud when all was said and done. Wondering how much more I can take?
I told my husband that I don’t believe him when he says that he did not sleep with her. He adamantly denies they had any sexual contact. In July they started making plans to have sex when my husband would be away in Sept. That didn’t happen because the lying cheating bastard got caught in the end of August.
I need to know from others what do you do with that feeling? Mine is pretty strong I can’t explain it. I have no evidence that it occurred it is just my gut.
Thanks for listening.
Deservesbetter, I totally get you. There are still some things that I believe happened that he says didn’t happen. I wasn’t there, so I either have to take his word for it or let it go. Not fair, but none of it is. Presently I’m working on accepting that I may never know some things about his affair, or I may never be satisfied that the things he tells me are true – and let it go. And get this, before I got to THIS point of accepting, I had to work on ACCEPTING that I would NEED to ACCEPT. yeah i know. WTF.
We get a HUGE amount of work to do to recover from this – and that’s just for our own personal recovery, it’s not even including rebuilding a relationship with him. The unfairness of it all could probably suck the life out of you if you let it. PLZ DON’T LET IT. Your recovery is THE singlemost important thing. The accepting and letting go process is vital for recovery to happen. So, in your case, if he’s denying having sex with her but you fully believe he’s full of sh!t, then ok. What are you supposed to do with the ‘WTF are you still lying?! It can’t get any worse you’ve already been caught you might as well tell me the truth I NEED TO KNOW’ feelings? This is where the acceptance part has to kick in. (I KNOW. it sucks.) That’s when the betrayed spouse who wants to recover has to accept that some things may never be resolved. He may never tell you if he did. Just because he should tell you, doesn’t mean he will. And then once we accept, we can let it go. If he’s lying/denying then that has to be his issue with not owning or being honest about what he did. His problem. We have to accept that. Personally, I don’t think it’s altogether fair. I think you should get to know everything you need to know and these men need to grow a pair and tell the truth however fuckng uncomfortable it may be for them. Unfortunately, we can’t let our personal recovery from this hinge on whether the men in our lives can grow a set of balls and be honest right when we need them to. So, we have to learn acceptance for ourselves to move on. Stay strong x
Also, the gut feeling you’re talking about? I know mine has never let me down so I’d say listen to yours too. Women are very instinctive about these things, and the fact you can’t physically prove it to be right – doesn’t make you wrong. Unfortunately whatever your gut is telling you, whether he fesses up or not, the acceptance thing still has to apply for your own healing to happen. So so sorry you’re in this.
I have not fully told my story here because it was so emotionally difficult. Yes believe in your own intuition. Am married 30+ yrs. My D day was exactly four months ago. Did not catch him but had that visceral gut feeling and I knew. I accused him 2x. He denied everything and i soooo wanted him to be telling the truth. I soo wanted to believe that he would not hurt us that way. I went a little emotionally crazy and he jumped on that. There was something wrong with me… I was unhinged. I was talking crazy talk, not connecting dots correctly. Ended up I was apologizing to him! Pleading with him! I was at fault for questioning his integrity. I accepted full responsibility for our distancing relationship. Apologizing again. Oh BTW, he also got so angry like I had never seen before. Telling me I have ruined his life, stay out of his business, he wants to die, etc. So I got myself checked out, now on HTR. He blames everything in that. He couldn’t possibly be having an affair, it’s my hormones talking. Well I kept digging. I haven’t blamed/accused again. Read not to do that without solid proof as they will deny deny deny unless you catch them in it or have some other proof. Well I have my proof now (thanks to my resourcefulness and a suggestion by someone on here commenting). I now know the ugly shameful truth. He has been having a great time at mine and my children’s expense. For at least three years. Blowing money left and right. Plus a lot of money being loaned out or wired out to unknown friends of friends he is supposedly helping. I thought it was a long term affair. I now think it’s an addiction problem that possibly turned into an affair with one of his escorts. Oh, and to top it all off -wait for it… I found a reminder in his notes to get his DNA tested. Which explained the odd letter we received this spring from a young girl (who gave no last name no address only phone number) offering sitter services to my husband. The letter was addressed to him. So Yes. I now get to request all the lovely std tests. PLEASE HELP ME! How do I confront this emotionally volatile man? I have never been afraid of him but after the first confrontation I am afraid. I want honesty. I also want him to stay and work it out. He will not stay to work it out. I will have ruined him with my knowing. Do I ignore and hope it ends? Cause right now it’s killing me. I have chest pain for three days. I have no appetite. Lost almost forty pounds since this started and I can’t afford to lose anymore. I am that skinny. I am a ghost of myself. I now understand from the websites he has been visiting that they can meet clients for breakfast, lunch time snack, anytime snack for a little sex time. Every time he goes out even for an hour I fear he is at it. He is 60 and these girls are like 20’s-30’s range. (I checked out one of the sites) WTF? My body is falling apart. I cannot compete with that. There is no way I can ever measure up to that for turn on factor. My head is on fire. I desperately need a therapist. I have confided the early stuff in one person but this is too humiliating to tell Anyone. I need help to know what to do! I am pretty certain if I confront he will run. And crazy that I am I want to heal this family and keep us together if at all possible. I can’t hurt my children that way. Even if they are older. It will emotionally destroy, scar them. I sit here daily and ask myself how in the fucking he’ll did this happen??? Song by Sam smith is my lament: you say I’m crazy, cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done…but when you call me baby, I know I am not the only one… And the truth is in the way that it hurts.
Oh, in between the blow ups which are all my fault of course,(I am selfish, crazy, inconsiderate etc) he is on the campaign trail of good deeds. All spare time is with me doing stuff. Showing the kids what a great husband he is. Being a great dad, manipulating us all into thinking he is wonderful. I know if the shit hits the fan all the wonderful things he has supposedly done for me (guilt?) will come flying back in my face. I need help in dealing with him. I am beginning to think he has narcissistic disorder, He has manipulated us for so long I am only now seeing it. The scales are falling from my eyes. I now see the lies too. And He has been lying through his teeth for years. The scary part is that I think he sometimes believes his own lies. He definitely justifies his actions and shift responsibility away (on to me). If this blow up he will have the kids believing I DID THIS TO THEM.
Awe I’m so sorry to hear your story willow. You’ve already taken the first step by sharing all the painful truth about your husband. I know exactly what you are going thru and I’m sorry to say but I think it’s your husband that needs to take responsibility for all his infidelities. You know exactly who you are! He doesn’t.
My ex (whom I still life in the same house with) still is manipulating & bullying me into believing he is some kind of hero by helping with our son and being my financial crutch. But never will he be the hero I want him to be. 14 years in, 2 affairs later and in his eyes I am to blame (as you described “shifts the responsibility onto me”) for his actions. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, said horrible things and apologized and apologized and apologized for who I am. And where does it get me? Well let’s see…. I am in the process of saving money to leave for the last 6 weeks. I’ve got a F/T job now so I’m slowly getting back on my feet. And apparently he was unhappy the last 4 years but didn’t so I guess that’s enough reason for him to go screw around with another co-worker!
My D-day was in March (round 2! first time was 3 years ago w/another co-worker) and I’ve been an emotional puddle. Especially these last few weeks which have proved to be the biggest battle I have faced yet. And that is deciding to move on from somebody I still love and wished could feel the same way I do. But that is a fairytale. He will not change for me, for our kids, or even himself. He is a manipulator and a bully who somehow takes a sick satisfaction in bringing me to my lowest only to watch me beg for him to stay. And uses my weakness, which is my feelings I still carry for him, to hang onto me by a thread. It’s sick! He is sick and until he sees how sick he is, he will not change. I still don’t love myself, I still don’t look in the mirror and feel good about what I see. Although I have lost about 25lbs this year as well. But I have to remind myself that I am stronger than I know. So are you a Willow, to endure the pain you are going through is hell!! And you feel crazy and you will feel so weak for a long time. Go see a therapist. Please!! Do not let this man hold your spirit hostage anymore. Even if you can’t leave then just stay but go seek counselling!! And get yourself stronger so you can decide what is best for you. I wish you all the best!! You are not alone.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, I don’t wish that kind of pain on anyone 😥
Willow,
You must find a trustworthy,upon reproach , good common sense person to confide in to help you sort all this out.
Do that first before you talk to your husband again about his affair. Do not talk with your children or drop any hints of any kind to your children.
Venting to another trust worthy,well-balanced, person will help you to make good choices and decisions.
Choose your person wisely.
You must do this to help clear your head and heart!
Hi Shatteredwife,
I have stumbled across your blog which I might say, is brilliantly written!! As you have suggested, you don’t go looking for this stuff until you have been affected by it! I have read a lot of your blogs and I can’t tell you how informative it has been. As I haven’t read all the comments left here, I have gone through a lot and I have noticed that no cheating husbands have commented on your blog! (I could be wrong)
Let me be the first cheating asshole husband to leave a comment, if I am the first!
I know I will probably cop a lot of back lash, and thats fine, I did what I did and I own it! My circumstance is a little different than most situations written about here, but at the end of the day, cheating is cheating and I did it!
I totally agree with you that if you state you are going to do ‘WHATEVER IT TAKES’, then that is what you must do! My wife has asked me questions upon questions, and although I hate being confronted with them, I DID THIS TO HER and she deserves to know whatever she needs to know to make her own conclusion! I don’t want to lose my wife or have my kids grow up in a broken home, but I must show patience and hopefully give her time to try and heal to the point where she could possibly trust me again.
From a male cheaters perspective, and I am only one guy who fucked up here, it is a very confusing time for both parties, I am not at all saying that I don’t deserve to be in this position, because I do, but its not fair on my wife or all the women here, which I feel deeply ashamed to be one of those ASSHOLE Husbands! This blog has given me an insight as to how my wife may be feeling, and most of all how I can help her and our family! As a male, at first you think this will just blow over and she will get over it, despite what you have said or done. You make promises that basically you hope you are telling her what she wants to hear, avoid questions and cryptically answers the ones you have to answer. About 2 weeks after what you call D-Day, I realised that I was not in any position to think it would just blow over and began to Analyse what I had done and where to from there. I began to realise how much I had hurt my wife, and made a decision that I would do ‘WHATEVER IT TOOK’ to try and keep my marriage together. I called my wife from work, who at this stage was not really talking to me, only for the kids benefit, and asked her if we could talk that night, she agreed.
When I got home and the kids had gone to bed, I did what I had dreaded the most, I spilled my guts about what had happened and why I thought it happened. Not at any stage did I lay blame for my actions on her, I was prepared for the screaming, the abuse, but instead I got silence. She was attentive and listened to everything I had said, her facial expressions were not of anger, but sadness! The look on her face was worse than being belted across the head with a baseball bat 100 times, it really hurt me and the all I could think of my love for her and the betrayal I caused.
The next night, after the kids had gone to bed, she started to ask questions, obviously having processed (or trying to process) the previous nights admissions. At first I was cagey, a little defensive, after all, I had gone the whole day angry at her for what she was doing to me….. What the fuck?? Something triggered in my mind as she was waiting for proper answers… (I had started to remember, this was not her fault, she did not do this, I DID!) I took a deep breath and started to answer, in detail everything she wanted to know! It was then that I realised that I either wanted in or I wanted out! Neither of us could live like this, no more lies, no more bullshit, if I was going to stay, I had to be prepared to own this and give her everything she wanted!
I have been trying to be transparent in everything I do now, and I am trying to rebuild.
Just wanted to share!
Hey AH (love the name), thank you for sharing your perspective. Trust me, there are plenty of cheating assholes who cannot even ADMIT they cheated, so you’re one step ahead of the pack. Tell me a bit more. Who was the other woman? Did you know her? How long did the affair last? How were you able to hide it from your wife? How long have you been married and how old are your children? I’m really glad something I wrote struck a chord with you. I look forward to hearing from you again, AH. SWxo
Hi again SW,
I will start with the last 2 questions.
I have been married for 9 years.
I have 2 kids – 8 & 6
My situation is really one out of the box, because now that I look back, this all could have been avoided.
Before I met my wife, I had a lot of female friends, and there was one in particular that I used to work with, lets call her Sue. We had been friends for quite awhile, I was great mates with her partner, and although we were great friends, neither of us ever thought that one day something might between us. Unfortunately many of our circle of friends thought that something was going on between us, but both my wife & Sue’s partner turned a blind eye to it and never thought anything of it. Let me just tell you, nothing was going on! Shortly after the birth of my son who is now 6, I had a falling out with one of my mates, lets call him Craig, who decided that he would call my wife and tell her that he knew for a fact that I was sleeping with Sue. This was purely a revenge attack on me and hurt my wife, but she could see that the facts that Craig had given her didn’t actually stack up, differing dates and times when I had actually been with my wife. After this incident, my wife suggested that my friendship with Sue was not an appropriate one and that I should consider severing all ties. Reluctantly, I did as my wife requested and spoke to Sue about it and removed myself not only form contact with Sue, but most of that group of friends. About a year ago, Sue contacted me, said she wanted to catch up and have a drink, see what I had been up. (First mistake) I agreed and we caught up at a pub and had a couple of drinks and chatted. I didn’t tell my wife in fear of what she might say, so I kept it quiet. Shortly after our catch up, I started to receive texts from Sue. She wanted to catch up again, so I did (Second Mistake) eventually The texts and the meetings started to get a little more frequent and my wife had even found a couple of texts which were slightly but not completely inappropriate, I lied about them, but she knew! (Third Mistake) I knew that even though Sue was making me feel wanted, sexy again, like someone wanted me, I did not want to sleep with her. Then the ultimate text came through, she told me that we should spend a night together, how much she wanted my cock in her mouth and her pussy, I played along with it and the texts became quite erotic! Because the texts had be going on for while and my wife had found a few, I became quite good at deleting every text I got from her, nothing to hide when I got home, or so I thought! I had been away for a night with work and this is when the ultimate text had come through and I was replying. The next day when I got home, just as I had walked in the door, my wife was holding my daughters Ipad, all the texts from the day and night before had transferred to my daughters Ipad, everything was there! Fuck, what had I done!!! I had not even been physically intimate with Sue, but I had cheated! Needless to say, my wife kicked me out of the house and I went to stay at my holiday house. You can imagine that my wife told me my marriage was over, not to bother coming back and that I would have to tell the kids that we were splitting and why. I did this, (THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE) A week had gone by and I was totally consumed with hate for myself and the world! I got myself completely hammered, I was so drunk, that some fucking bright spark came into my head that I wanted sex! So I called a escort who came to my holiday house. I was so fucking drunk that I couldn’t even get it up, and I didn’t notice that this bitch had seen my work camera and had pressed record on the video option. There was a lot of talking about what she wanted me to do to her, she even filmed herself playing with herself in front of me. (This was the worst mistake amongst all the others that I had done!) 2 weeks later, my wife and I decided we would have another crack at our marriage, she let me move back in and there were guidelines about the transparency of our relationship! I didn’t tell her about the escort/whore that I had paid to not even have sex, I didn’t think she needed to know, everything was great, we were both working on things, I had told Sue to fuck off and I was getting with my life.
3 months later………….My wife was suspicious of something and as I had gone out to a mates, she went through my brief case, only to find the camera. She had found and watched the events of that night with the whore…. This was surely the end. This all happened about a month ago, hence why I have found your blog!
Thats my story and it just goes to show, that you don’t need to be physical with someone to have cheated on your wife!!!
Now I will wait for the ‘Back Lash’
No, you don’t need to have slept with someone to cheat. As is often the case with affairs, a situation presents yourself, you are weak, the slide down the slippery slope commences. Pretty obvious to an outsider what Sue was up to. What a whore! Sneaky little bitch. Where are you now? Have you moved back in with your family? SWxo
If my husband had took the approach you have I would have considered giving it one more shot because he showed remorse. However that is not the case. Id be a hypocrite to say i think your a great guy for standing up and admitting your faults. In all honesty the tears in my eyes right now are for your wife. I dont know your situation/circumstances but i believe if the cheater acknowledges the hurt and pain and doesnt make other feel guilt then there is maybe some hope. And only time will tell if the relationship can recover. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Elle,
In my situation as a guy you have to make the decision, DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED??? This is the one question that I asked myself when my wife and I split up! The answer for me was yes!! And because I thought my marriage was over, I did the unthinkable and it came back to bite me on my ass!!
I love my wife and I hate what I have done to her, but to shift the blame for something I DID, is a cop out and no-one should be subjected to that as a victim!
You are right though, I’m not a good guy!
I have read your story and I think your husband needs a reality check and needs to be asked the question – does he want to be married to you, sounds like he is taking this for granted! Marriage is not a right, its a privilege, and comes with respect for one another! Shit, I wish I told myself this way back when!
Thanks! Im the one whos had the reality check. More than I care to admit and its not the answer I was expecting to slap me in the face. I read this a while ago and I saved it and keep reading it to give me some kind of strength “Nobody can break your heart more than once without your permission” which is true! I know what I need to do and I know I cannot change somebody who has no desire to change! But I keep up with this blog because i still seek answers to the infidelity and lies which I know I will never get. And thats the sad part, cheating leaves you so broken. But not forever. I’m starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Especially since I found out this so called man I live with is still up to his same old antics. And agreed to marraige counselling on the weekend! HAHA, YEA RIGHT! So…. there is my answer plain as day! Unfortunately I’m stuck living under the same roof with a stranger until I can move out. Its all financial right now. But any day now I will be free!
“As a male, at first you think this will just blow over and she will get over it, despite what you have said or done. You make promises that basically you hope you are telling her what she wants to hear, avoid questions and cryptically answers the ones you have to answer.”
I don’t think this thinking has anything to do with gender. It’s universal wayward thinking, practiced by both men and women alike, when they don’t truly get the devastation they’ve caused by their selfishness and entitlement. And your story isn’t unique or out-of-the box at all. Take some time to explore the blogging world, and you’ll see what I mean. It always starts with rationalizing, keeping secrets, telling lies, and hiding things from your spouse. It’s all pretty text book, to be honest.
If you’re open to a little advice, please don’t try to decide for your wife what she “needs to know.” Lay it all out on the table because trickling the truth to her a little at a time will set her back on your healing every time you do it. I would also recommend you think about counseling for yourself so you can explore why you did this–the poor boundaries with women, your need for outside validation, i.e. the ego stroking you were getting from Sue because she “wanted” you, and why in God’s name you thought the solution to making yourself feel better for destroying your marriage was to throw another bomb on the pile of destructive and order up a prostitute. I’m not trying to be harsh, just direct. You have to face these kind of things head on and unflinchingly if you’re going to get through it. I truly hope you and your wife are able to find healing and peace.
Well said, TLM. SWxo
Hi TLM,
I agree, and hitting it head on is what I have done. Open book is the only way to get through things like this. Thanks for the advice!
TLM, I like this. A lot.
AH,
Thank you for sharing here:) Another perspective on this is so interesting and helpful. My opinion of my husband is that he’s not actually a bad guy. In actual fact he has all the qualities that I think make a really cool guy. However, he made some really dumb and selfish choices and he cheated and that sucks. I’m trying to reconcile these two things because the scale of emotions I’ve experienced with this man have been at both ends of the extreme. I now know that he wasn’t trustworthy in that area of our relationship which I’m taking as a positive because at least I know now, right? Better late then never. A real blessing is that I know I can trust him to man up when the sh!t hits the fan and he has to own what he’s done. He can do that, he’s doing it everyday even when it’s uncomfortable and it hurts him. He’s doing it for me to heal, which in turn helps him too I guess. It just sounds to me that you’re doing the same kind of things for your wife, I hope it helps her as much as it helps me in my situation. I can’t always express my gratitude to my husband in the moment, when he’s answering questions I have or holding my hand when I’m having a bad day, but I do feel it even though I’m super annoyed at the situation. Sometimes I have to go back to him later and thank him for being brave about it all. I hope your wife is gaining strength and healing within herself, and I hope you are too.
Good Luck Elle!!
AH as a man and coming from the other side so to speak; how do you recommend I approach the subject of infidelity and addictive behavior? Cause I now believe it is bigger and worse than an affair
Hi Willow,
Firstly, I want to say that I did not intentionally try to interact with women on here, merely wanted to share my congratulations and appreciation to Shatteredwife for her strength and outlook from a womans perspective. Many things she has posted have given me the insight on how my poor wife must be feeling. But it does make me think, that perhaps you poor women who are the victims here, are looking for the same thing I was, the other side of things?? I say poor women absolutely sincerely, as none of you or my wife deserve the shit us guys put you through!!!!!!!!!!
With that said, Willow, I have read your story above and all I can say is wow!!! What are you doing??? At the end of the day, this is about YOU, number 1!! The most important thing in your life, I am hoping is your kids!!
It doesn’t sound like you can approach this in any other way but to stand your ground and make a decision, stay or leave? These are your only 2 options, and if you want to stay then you have to put it to him and if you get the same reaction, then you must be prepared to leave. Kids are so resilient, and at the end of the day, if you leave and your husband blames everything on you, YOUR KIDS WILL FORGIVE YOU!
I will ask you this, given the fact that you have had to seek medical advice and are now on HRT because of this whole issue, what’s that tell you?? It tells me that you are not happy at all, and from this your kids will not be happy.
Ask your husband if he wants to be married to you, if the answer is yes, then tell him you would like to see everything, phone, bank account statements, computer etc… If he doesn’t want to do that, well where’s the marriage at???? Open book is the only way for you to get rid of your demons and to start to rebuild your marriage, without that, you are living in a lie! But………..Be prepared for this to go south and have an exit plan!
I cannot express to you enough that Happiness is the one thing that we all hold onto, and as a male, I accept the fact that if my wife is not happy or cannot find happiness with me, then we both need to move on! But you need to know that both of you are having a crack or it won’t work!
Sorry SW for what seems to be taking over your blog!
Not at all. I think there are many of us intrigued by your story. Feel free to post any time. SWxo
Thank you SW and thank you AH. My apologies also. Although It does help to get perspective from the other side. Also, for anyone reading this blog please read up on Interpersonal Relational Trauma. It’s what we are all going through. Similar to PTSD but specific to infidelity. And it is a serious condition. Hoping for better days! (Sipping my merlot)
Thanks SW. I moved back after the escort thing, but when my wife found the camera, which I might add, I hadn’t checked, so I didn’t even know that the slut had taken that footage, my wife did not kick me out, she needed to process everything. We are slowly working on it, but it kills me not to have any physical contact with her, not even a cuddle yet……Time is what is need here and hopefully it will work out!
I agree. I am interested in a males opinion and comments.
Deservesbetter,
I have read your story, and if I may, I would like to comment on it?
You said that since your husband cheated on you, he has been trying to everything possible to be with you and show you that he really does love you. You said it is smothering you and that you just want to scream at him, I get that! The problem is that I think he is really trying to show you how much he fucked up, trying to show remorse, and although he is trying, I don’t think he understands that you need space, you need time to process what has happened and time to process where to go from here. See, us guys are selfish and we think we can get away with things, but the moment we get caught we just don’t know how to deal with the consequences of our actions. Myself, I can relate to your husband and although he may not have had physical contact with this woman, he tried! That makes him and me a cheater, or as SW would put it, an ASSHOLE HUSBAND!
As a cheating husband who has been caught, the only thing I can think about is how much I love my wife and how could I have done this to her. I try to get some sort of positive reaction from my wife to suggest that she wants to continue and work on the marriage, I wanted answers, I wanted something….. I needed to know that she wanted to try and make this work, but the truth is, unless my wife has time to process what has happened and had time to decide what she actually wants, this is going to be self inflicted nightmare of confusion and uncertainty.
I know this is hard for you, and as males in my position we need to know that our wives either want the marriage or not.
Again, open book can be the only thing that will restore any marriage, after all we torched the unwritten code of trust between partners, not the wives!
Thanks AH for posting here. You sound so much like my husband nowadays. Small difference is that my hubby had several affairs with the same woman over the last 20 years. He loves her and she loves him. But supposedly he hasn’t had contact with her since May because he doesn’t want to lose me. There’s been so many lies that I seriously do not see trust in our future. I have to live with him for now while we work on finances but my intention is to split within the next 6 months. He’s in denial and thinks that we will work it out before we split. The problem is that I don’t believe a single word he says.
And one more thing, AH…how would you be handling his if your wife had the affair? Would you give her the chance that you are hoping to get from her?
I have to tell you, SW, out of all your posts, this is the one I keep coming back to reread. Today I am exactly 5 months from the day my life was forever changed, and while I’m not exactly where you are yet, I know I’ve come a long way. I still have days of extreme anxiety and I had one just the other day, but when I felt myself spiraling into negative thoughts, I remembered your post and told myself, “You are what you think about all week,” and it helped me change the direction of my thoughts. I’m not naive enough to think it will work every time but I will take what I can get! So thank you for sharing!
Hey, we all take what we can get on this road through the centre of hell. Five months is still early days – I was still on a wild rollercoaster ride back then. I’m so touched that something I wrote has had a positive effect on you, really glad. One day at a time. You’re doing great. SWxo
😩😩😩omgeeeee as I read ur blogs I can’t control myself from bursting into tears!! I feel the pain! cause u nailed every single thing!! How do days get better when someone who u gave it whole life to just threw it on the ground?!!
marriage means nothing to me anymore i want it too,but i don’t feel that way anymore. Makes me sad