Here I am, coming up to 10 years since I devastatingly discovered my husband of 20 years cheating on me.
Despite swearing to me and our therapist there was only the one woman, I later discovered multiple profiles on dating sites and email conversations with different women.
Conversations where he promised to spend nights with them, although not very often.
Conversations where whoring sluts told him they hoped nobody would get hurt.
Dating profiles with the header: Missing out after kids’ arrival.
This from the man who wooed me relentlessly.
Who told me he loved me every day.
Turns out he was fucking around with sad little married whores for the entirety of my third pregnancy, and for about 6 months afterwards.
It’s now more than nine years later.
The anger is still there.
I have no hope.
Same here but I am one year behind you and was married for 32 years
The lies are the worst and do much more damage than the cheating .. I still can’t trust and that’s really shit
I have found out since that he cheated on his ex with me 42 years ago and I had no idea that he made me the other woman!!
It makes me feel ill.
I found conversations in messenger where he was flirting with some a girl from the Philippines that was working in Irak. Found they had even FaceTime. When I questioned he denied but later on admitted it started as helping the woman get rid of a stalker and then flirting. I confronted the woman online and she claimed she was in love with him. We had marriage counseling and some issues about my behavior came to light that pushed him to seek attention elsewhere. Marriage counseling opened my eyes and it help a lot. In all honesty there are times when I start doubting but I am slowly finding a way to overcoming my doubts. I love my husband very much. I can’t picture my life without him.
I so hear you. Your continued hurt. I wish I could magic it all away.
Im sorry to hear you are still feeling this way. Life is way too short! Basically 10 years since his affair and if your still feeling “no love” – you know what time it is. (I say this so easily yet I would hope I practice what I preach) <- it always feels so different when you are the one going through it. Best of luck!
I believe I started following you around 2015 when your posts were more frequent and your story was very new. I found out my husband was cheating with someone who worked for him for a year and a half. There were lies all throughout counseling and many promises, including baptism! I can laugh at it now because I left. I knew I didn’t want to live in the misery of distrust, sleeping with my enemy. My life hasn’t been as easy and I’ve had to start over, but I am happy and I find joy in life constantly. I’ve loved, lost, and loved again. I’m still finding myself, but loving the journey.
I want to thank you for continuing to share your story- I look forward to the annual, sometimes bi-annual, notifications in my email that you posted! It’s a constant reminder that I made the right decision. You deserve happiness too though and I can’t wait until you are writing your new love story! Send me the link.
And that is okay!
I am sorry for your suffering. I hope you can find joy from your friends, your children, your personal interests & hobbies. Betrayal sucks, & he did a deep, consistent, manipulative betrayal: f*ck him! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER, & I hope you find joy that no one can take away from you 🙏🏼 G in Australia
Hey. You. Yes. *You*
You have no hope? You *ARE* hope. You.
I am alive today. I wrote a new novel this month. I completed my series. Me. Me who would have died many, many years ago had you not given me hope. Given me a life raft.
Knowing I was not alone gave me more strength than you could ever imagine.
You are hope. You.
It hurts. Its fucking painful beyond all belief. It tears at you, eats you, the poison of the lies corroded and shows the cheater in the true light.
But you? You are hope. You are life. You are that which is good and great in this world.
My eternal gratitude, thanks, everything, are yours.
The discovery of your person – that one who acted like, spoke like they loved you beyond words – has disgusting, devious dating profiles is the biggest mindfuck. And the conversations they had. 🤢. Their sad sausage, my partner doesn’t love me anymore, we’re so unhappy bullshit. Shame they forgot to tell us! Don’t think you ever fully recover. That kind of betrayal is traumatic. I tried so hard to recover. I loved him. I stayed, against my better judgement, trying so hard to believe his sorry act. He wasn’t sorry, except for being exposed. Doing it again, eight years later, and lesving me was possibly even more painful than my first discovery. But the misery of losing my person, that imagined love, has abated a little bit. I grieve hard for that loss. That thirty year mirage. But I’m glad I no longer have to pretend he’s better than his “mistake.” He showed me who is really is. And I believe him.
I’ve been reading your blogs for years. Since I was a teen–18 years old, now 26. I decided to take a look again today and I’m surprised. I got married and was also cheated on during my marriage. I will never understand why they did what they did but I can relate the pain will always be a foreshadow for the rest of my life.
Itll take a good 5 years before real trust comes back with a new person.
6 years to really through yourself into something special.
Those of us whom have been cheated on are rooting for you, and I hope with all my heart that you get to the stage where the cheating piece of shit is nothing more than a waved away whisky cotton candy memory that dissipates with a smile, laugh, and you living your best life.
Just give it time.
Dear Shatteredwife, I feel your pain. I found your blog in 2015 when I found out my husband was cheating on me with a woman who worked for him. Reading your blog helped to keep me sane.
My husband does try hard every day to put it behind us but to tell the truth nothing will ever erase the things I heard them say during some of their phone conversations, and nothing will ever let me forget all the lies he callously told me, or the fact that the reason their two-year liaison ended was because I found out about it and not because he finally decided he loved me and wanted to end his relationship with her. After 8 years there is still not a day that goes by that I am not triggered by something that reminds me of that awful affair. I don’t care what anyone says, it is a damage that leaves you a completely different person. I have lost the comfort of having a husband that I trust. I still wonder, when he says he is meeting a male friend for lunch whether he is actually doing that or is there something else that he is doing. Those of us who have been cheated on never quite have the wonderful luxury of feeling completely safe or absolutely sure of anything ever again.
But like others have indicated, don’t let him ruin your life. Keep communicating. Find other things that you enjoy. That’s what I do. I take the time that I feel okay with him and accept it, and the rest of the time I have other activities that give me a sense of peace, and do lots of things with friends. I came to the realization long ago that if I left there would be a whole host of other issues to deal with for me that could be even worse.
Blownaway, everything you say is true. You don’t ever forget things he said to her, or promises he made, or places he said he’d be. Everything thereafter could be a lie wrapped up in even more bullshit for the sole reason of deceiving you. It’s a sucky way to live. I cannot imagine growing old with this man. I don’t want to. SWxo
Then please don’t SW and get out while you are still young enough to have a life ahead of you now with so much wisdom. Blown away see what I wrote and suggested for more healing and discerning what’s best for you.. not you and him; not the marriage; not your kids… YOU. You matter. I wish you both so much peace.
It’s interesting that the Dear Deidre columnists with The Sun newspaper have a support pack “Cheating – Can you get over it?” I wonder how many people do? I think it’s more a case for many of us of “getting through it”, where you get on with your life, live day by day, move forward with your career, but a part of you is forever changed by the trauma of infidelity. There is a part of you that remains numb and frozen and your heart is not as open as it once was.
About 40-50% of couples break up after discovery day. What about the rest of us who stayed? It appears to me that there are some couples who do appear to truly “get over it” but they would be in the minority. One case I read was where the faithful partner had a revenge affair, then they both decided to give things another go. I don’t think compromising my own values would work for me, but maybe that couple had similar values in the first place. I think most of us continue in the relationship because of our kids, family pressures and fear of change – the great unknown!
Even though I stayed, in a way his cheating gave me my freedom. I live my life how I want, go where I want and while I share my plans, don’t feel any need to ask for permission. If he met someone else it wouldn’t affect me now. We could separate amicably as we don’t sleep together and have our own rooms and areas of the house. Day to day life is relatively peaceful and settled or I couldn’t have stayed. We are like friends and co-parents. I asked my son a while back if he was okay with how things are and he said “nothing seems any different” which is exactly what I wanted for him. He has never had to pack his things and live in two places. In the end it was always about our son’s needs coming first for both of us. We still help each other if we are sick, like during Covid, and do some things together around the home. This is not what I was hoping for in a marriage, but it’s okay. I live in the moment but like I once read in a fortune cookie, “your future is as boundless as the lofty heavens”. So who knows what awaits me?
Shattered Wife I agree with Ian, you are amazing with your raw honesty, sense of humour and your talent for translating your feelings and emotions throughout your journey into prose. I’m so thankful that you started this blog that has helped so many of us in our darkest days. As the Baroness Orczy stated in The Scarlett Pimpernel “The weariest night, the longest day, sooner or later must perforce come to an end.” I think when the time is right you will find your happiness. Right now most of my happiness comes from my Buddhist faith, family and working to help patients in the health care system. Take care and wishing you every happiness for the future, Cheers Lola xx
Oh SW… I was so hoping when you posted next… there was such a long gap I guess due to Covid… that you would have turned a corner in your healing. I’m so sorry you are still with him and in such anger; in such trauma bond?!!! I feel like you are consciously or unconsciously now torturing yourself SW and he doesn’t even have to get his hands dirty anymore. Why, why are you doing this to yourself? I wish I could have cup of tea with you and talk. If you want to stay, I hope you can let go of this anger and resentment because it’s like pouring poison for him but drinking it yourself. Ongoing resentment and anger at the person who cheated is an itch you can’t finish scratching and you end up hurting yourself more than the person who cheated! He’s moved on and you are stuck.. mostly in your own head. I hear all your pain and I have felt it too but I had to let go or I’d die of the results… suicide, high blood pressure to heart attack or something else. This kind of hurt and anger and not releasing will kill some people. It’s unsustainable without serious side effects… in your physical or mental health…. like a cancer we are choosing to let grow in us. My DD was July, 2016… fell completely apart til May of 2017 when I got into Al Anon. Tried to reconcile 2017 to early 2019 then I just had a moment where I knew it was over and not just because of the affair. We lived separated in same house from 2019 to fall 2021. My spouse is not an alcoholic but I’m an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and it greatly affected how the affair impacted me. I’ve been in Al anon now since May 2017 and added in Co-dependence Anonymous (also very helpful and life saving; never realized how CoD we were and so much of a trauma bond too) and now S-anon … for spouses, friends and love ones of someone with Sex Addiction. I’m pretty sure my stbx has this. I’ve worked my ass off in support groups, therapy, spiritual retreats and mostly come out the other side. I know now I’m not to blame for what he chose to do. Was our marriage perfect and was I a perfect spouse all the time?? … hell no. But nothing I did justified that behavior of his. I’ve also figure out there’s not enough women in the world to make up for the abuse he endured as young child from his mom and his father’s non-protective approach to it… ie: NONE. No wonder the guy could never protect me or remain loyal to m; he never saw it modeled as a kid toward him.But that still doesn’t excuse it. He and I have been separated physically since September ’21, post our youngest graduating HS, and living thru covid’s first two years, separated but under same roof was pretty awful, so physical separation was adjustment but a huge relief too. He was off to races dating and having a new gf that he got our kids involved with but that’s his bad karma now… not mine. He’s like a junkie on a bender. But now I stay on my side of the street and don’t get involved in his choices or take them personally since we are divorcing. I don’t want to hate him or stay angry at him anymore. He’s not a bad person… at all but I did bear the brunt of his worst behaviors. I’ve worked very hard to create my own identity after 35 years almost of marriage and two kids together.. one now in college and one an adult, married to her wonderful wife, still fighting cancer (7 years; some you will remember he was cheating when our daughter was first diagnosed and didn’t stop!) … so if I can do it any one can. I wanted to model for my children… that I now matter to myself even if I no longer mattered to him. And the BEST part is getting his angry, toxically raging mom (my stbx-MIL) out of my life. Oh SW I really wish you could see that your kids will be fine if you end it. They will. Your children having a mom seething with so much anger and resentment is not a peaceful life. It seeps into everything and every part of your home life and their hearts and minds too. And the older they get the less you can hide it. They see and hear and get all. I wish you could matter to yourself enough, and be radically compassionate to yourself and love yourself enough, to know that ending your marriage has to be better than this. Or if you can’t or still choose not to, to choose your own MH, serenity, peace and good life even if you stay with him. Maybe it’s not going to be the marriage you hoped for but … you still get a life you can make and hoped for. You do matter that much. I wish this for you… more peace, more self-acceptance, more gentleness and more letting it go so you can be happy. You matter and your contentment and happiness matter. Take good care SW. You don’t have to stay shattered or own that identity forever! (BTW, listen to Rev RC Blakes on youtube.. don’t have to be Christian to get things out of his talks; Mel Robbins; Tara B meditations; and listen to Najwa Zebian… especially this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m0c0VDB_8s&t=144s!!! I wish you true healing. Peace. MM
I wanted you to be happy a bit more …. I’m sorry to hear you are not. I wanted you to have healing. I’m sorry it hasn’t happened. And by healing I don’t mean forgetting or even forgiving him completely but healing for you … love and care tenderly for you. No matter what. For me, the path to ending the marriage… made acceptance key… accepting that he cheated, acceptance that I ignored the signs that he could for years, acceptance that it imploded what I thought was (if not perfect… what one is?) a very good marriage. I’ve learned self-compassion and self-acceptance and self-kindness in this long 7 year journey. Instead of just growing older (53 when it happened…60 now), I’ve grown up. I’ve worked my butt off in therapy (many forms including EMDR – affair was super trigger for me as ACOA); Al anon (I’m ACOA), CODA, and now S-anon. I believe my stbx qualifies as a SA. But that’s for him to figure out and decide and NOT for me to “fix” him anymore… not that I could. For me, ending us, wasn’t even so much about his affair anymore but about his continued disrespect for my beliefs and his refusal to comfort me in a way that I needed post my mom’s death. His affair allowed me to see that I HAD NEEDS too… that weren’t being taken care of in our marriage by him. They might not have been sexual ones but they still mattered because they mattered to me. We lived separated under one roof for two years til we physically separated and trust me… if I could do it … anyone can. Yes, the first few weeks were an adjustment and hard at moments but there was also so much more peace too. My son has special needs and was 13 when things imploded and is now HS grad and in college/working. My daughter was 25, and at the time and in her first year of now seven years of cancer care, and is now stage 4… so if I can go go thru these trials (as a mom and betrayed wife) … any one of us can. We have no idea how strong we are and how okay our kids will be if we end it. It’s far better, to my mind, to have my son out of an existence where there was so much tension and anger in the home; I now wish I had done it sooner. He said it kind of ruined his HS years. I can see why. Who wants to live with parents seething quietly or loudly under the breath. Our kids know us and know the vibe of our marriage far more than we give them credit for. And our kids will be strong if we are strong and we take care of ourselves. When I put my own serenity and my mental health before the marriage lasting… when I put my own need for peace ahead of staying in a state of anger constantly and upset at him… then the answers came. I highly recommend all the organizations I listed for support for anyone reading this as well as listening to youtube talks by Rev RC Blakes (you do NOT have to be Christian to get something out of his honest talks) and others like him who encourage women to put their own worth ahead of any cheating/abusive mate (partner or spouse) and to choose YOU. We matter. You matter shattered wife. I hope someday you know this too and set yourself free! xo to all here especially you SW! PS: And my only advise to anyone new in their DDay… is focus on yourself and your spouse… NOT the AP/OW. Cheating husbands especially LOVE it when we do that because it takes the heat off of them. I’m not excusing the AP/OW, just saying that they didn’t take vows with us and make a family with us… our spouse/partner did! And who knows what pack of lies our spouse told the AP too. If they are lying to us, they are lying to them too, most likely. They each deserve their karma but focus on you and whether you want to stay married to your spouse who cheated and make the AP/OW less of your concern. If it wasn’t her/him… it would have been someone else. They are not special to our spouse at all! And if they… are… well, two cheaters deserve each other! Let them both GO!!! And you go live your best life with contentment and self-love! The rest will take care of itself.
I just sent u an email to shattered wife. Hope to talk soon
I replied but haven’t heard from you yet. SWxo