My husband and I went out on Saturday night.
This so rarely happens, I couldn’t even tell you the last time it did.
We went out to dinner at a Middle Eastern restaurant, enjoyed a concert which was giddily fun, then headed home, had sex, and crashed out.
Sometimes, we have these moments where it feels like everything is going to be just fine.
But they, too, are rare.
So I’m going to enjoy it for what it was: a fun night out.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
I’m so glad you had a good day! It made me smile for you.
I have been wanting to respond to your last post ”six years later” as it really resonated with me. Then I just saw this one, which I can also relate to somewhat. I’m 4 1/2 years out and have had my husband accuse me of not trying to heal. I could laugh out loud when I hear anyone talk about how an affair could possibly make a marriage stronger. I could NEVER have a stronger relationship with a man who betrayed me, lied to me, and trashed me for over two years. We have some good days together but there is not a day that goes by that I ever feel that he is the man I could ever entrust my heart to ever again. Sometimes I enjoy him but other times I have to be honest, I look at him and think of his relationship with her and how little I meant to him and he absolutely disgusts me. I’m not sure anything can ever undo that. So, like you, I guess I’ll just enjoy the good moments when they come, and stay until such time as I get the guts to leave or find someone who treats me like he treated her. Somehow, though, that’s been eating at me a lot lately – that if I stay I will never know what it’s like to have what she had, the feeling of being wanted, desired, the true best friend.
Great hear you had a fun night! Blownaway, I could of wrote those words myself! I feel exactly the same way you do! x
I live this. When you wrote I will never know what it’s like to have what she has” it was like a punch in my heart. I feel that so often and I thought I was the only one. He gave her something that in all our years together he never gave to me.
Also like you I look at my H and think, I don’t know if I can like you knowing what you have done. No matter how kind and considerate he is. Loving and attentive. In the back of my mind is “ you f’ing bastard.” Why wasn’t I enough before???
I’m 4 plus years out and still have these thoughts? WTF
I’m almost 15 years out from D day. I still feel the same about my UH….no matter how hard he tries, which he does most days/times, I’m not sure I can ever get over hating his guts. I don’t think the thoughts ever go away……I’m also pretty sure there is no “healing”. Just enduring and trying to live the best life we can, always knowing/feeling the pain/sting of betrayal. Always wondering if/when it will happen again. I agree, WTF.
Oh my God…its like we are the same person. Also 4.5 years out, also accused of refusing to heal, also will never trust him with my heart again, also just want to be treated like she was, also feel gutless for not leaving. Man, wish we could get coffee (read cocktails) together!
Sitting in the “happy” or “calm” moments of my life with my UH has helped a lot in my healing. In the past, when these moments came, I feared them and didn’t trust it. After a good day, I often had high levels of anxiety, sadness or anger. This pattern happened so often I had to ask myself why. I believe it had to do with the fears from the past and that I shouldn’t trust my husband (or anyone or anything around me), As if he was tricking me or the universe was playing a sick joke and my world would come crashing down around me again soon. I had to be ready for everything and letting down my guard around my husband sounded like a stupid and scary concept. When I would have these feelings, I started to access my situation and if the anxiety was based on a fear of the past, I would give myself permission to trust that right now/today I was safe. I could enjoy the moment without fear of being hurt. I made no promises about the future. I stayed present and only committed to feeling safe in the moment. Slowly these moments grew to days, then weeks, and I am slowly on the road to recovery.
I am starting to trust myself and my world again. My husband still has to prove himself and has a lot of work to do, but we are both getting better and able to enjoy life and each other again. After almost 4 years since D-Day, my husband is a consistent, safe person for me and we are growing again in our recovery and love.
SW, sit in these moments of calm and happiness and know that you are safe in the present moment. You only have to let your guard down for a brief minute if that is all you have, but it feels good- so let yourself feel it. The opportunity for trust can grow with consistency- even if all you do is start to trust yourself again.
I’m very happy for you. I wish we could all have more of those days.
So happy to see you here Shattered Wife and above. Yes, take date nights for what they are… no expectations. Sex, a good movie, some music… I treat them like a hook up with someone I don’t know well… or even trust but it is what it is. Like going out w/someone new and don’t trust yet either. Except my expectations for sex and when to have it with my UH are changed because I want closeness now – not just a hook up. But we aren’t close anymore… maybe we never were. So we are not having much of it these days. I have higher standards for myself. I also don’t buy the crap about affairs making marriages better. Hogwash. But I digress. You know my whole story in pages and replies below. Here’s my recent updates. I take it all one day at a time… unlike most of my marriage- when I planned weekends, weeks and holidays ahead. That drove my UH bonkers. Now I take it one day at a time.. and live in moment and that drives him bonkers. Go figure. LOL. Here’s what I wrote below.
My unfaithful spouse/UH, once again almost 3 1/2 years post DDay, accused me of “not being committed to working on the marriage” because I won’t talk about how I see our future post this day or week. He’s been pressuring me to share my “vision of our marriage and future” pretty much since he ended the affair formally four months after I found out. Do you believe this BS? He sees me changing and releasing some of my codependency with him an, I think, it is terrifying him. But as my sponsor says… “Who cares what he thinks anyway.” Exactly. Why care so much when he clearly didn’t care about me at all during his almost 2 year affair with a TX nit wit. And criminal too… yup…she had criminal record as grifter and financial scam artist.
My sponsor in Al Anon (which has been THE most useful program and/or tool… so far and far more than any marriage counseling and/or private counseling) in recovery from this even and post affair messy life. I treat my husband’s affair as a form of addiction: sex addiction even tho’ he won’t identify it that way.
Anyway, I basically laughed at his accusation… given that he’s the one who cheated. I didn’t have an issue with my commitment to this marriage before the affair. I had my moments of doubt – sure – who doesn’t in long marriage of over 25 years?… now 31… but I was at peace with our life. Shattered readers can see what I was going thru in earlier posts/replies – a young adult child with cancer and another young teen child on autism spectrum when the affair was accidentally discovered over 3 years ago: an affair I never, ever suspected. Never thought he had it in him. Think again. Never say never!
Below is what I wrote to him after his recent finger pointing episode. My sponsor is helping me to stop the arguments before they start. He says he wants to separate.. and I’m not going to fight him anymore. When he tried to back track and deny saying he wanted to separate I say… “Don’t… own it!” Then he cried… finally. Cause he’s a coward… he wants the separation but he wants it to be mutual, hand holding experience (conscious uncoupling crap) so he doesn’t have to own it or feel like the guilty, back stabbing POS he was during affair. So I told him stop with the jerking me around and wishy washy decision making …about separation and he said, “Ok … I won’t bring up the state of our marriage again.” And I said, “GOOD… finally!”
I also told him I no longer care what he thinks of me… I’m done caring. (Between we betrayed spouses here – I’m still trying…. but let him think I’ve managed it.) I take it one day at a time. Tonight he’s out with co-workers and I he’s two and a half hours later than he said he’s be and I don’t care. I don’t care if he’s fucking a co-worker or drunk or both or something else. I’m done caring and seeing how his mess up’s reflect on me at all!! They don’t. They only speak to him and his state of mind and weaknesses and struggles emotionally and spiritually.
So here’s what I wrote to him post our recent confrontation about separation but I won’t send because, honestly, why bother??? I’m done fighting for a marriage that was probably over the day I found out about the affair but I’ve hung in for financial reasons and the sake of my disabled son and giving him a stable life. He’s a good dad and my son adores him but now he’s on cusp of college years so the need to be under one roof is diminishing. And I deserve my freedom to figure who and what I am separate from this marriage. I’m no longer terrified of an uncertain future … even my my late 50s. If not now, when?
Here’s what I wrote to him about my self care and removal of my co-dependent state. Hope it helps someone else. Here goes:
Dear G_____, My efforts at self care and going to meetings (meaning Al Anon) IS caring about me and our kids and our daughter-in-law and and our marriage aka our family! It’s too bad you can’t see that. I am no good for anyone else if I can’t, first, value, care about and put myself first. You take that for granted because when I met you over three decades ago in your early 30s – you were already able to do that… put yourself first and value yourself and your own goals and dreams. It’s taken me to age 56/57 to do that. I won’t be in a race with you any longer to the finish line. It’s an impossible foot race that I can’t win because you had a four to five decade head start and I won’t accept being on your schedule. It’s just not fair to me. And I’ve dealt with enough unfairness from you to last a life time. Now you are once again pressuring me for my goals and vision of our future/our marriage because you are turning 65 this year. Also, not my problem.
When your affair came out you instantly told me you wanted to stay married and repair the damage. And I remember saying, “You don’t know that because this is going to change who I am and change me forever. You are not going to know the new me until I get there – in my own time. So how do you know you’ll want to stay married to me? When you don’t know or haven’t even met her yet??” You didn’t quite get it then but I think now you do. And guess… what?? I was right. You don’t want to stayed married to that new me as I suspected you wouldn’t. Cause I’ve grown into a different woman. The old me was a consummate “people pleaser” most of this marriage and I sacrificed my journey (to understand and know and accept myself) and I sacrificed my own well being, to be a “good” wife and mom, in the way only a fucked up “nice Catholic-Jewish” girl can do.
I was way, way, WAY too accommodating and that made me extra vulnerable to being devastated (operating in that mode) to something such as a cataclysmic life event in a marriage like an affair. While operating on this path of people pleasing over so many decades of our marriage and family life, and thinking the best way to be loving and/or loved was to tell others how to live their lives and morph myself into what others wanted or needed me to be, I became, with each passing year so phenomenally co-dependent on and with you it’s terrifying. Much of this self inflicted people pleasing was in my own head, but not all of it and others certainly benefited from it. Some it is a genuine part of me but a lot is very patterned and ingrained in me as a female with the hurts I experienced as a young child.
Many people got used to that old me, you especially, it seems. And now that I’ve been both forced to and then chose to change, post July 2016, thanks to recovery and the compassionate people and shared experiences I have with members of Al Anon, I cannot EVER go back to being that wife who was so vulnerable to the attacks I experienced and the devastation I felt, when our marriage fell apart and as its bumped along these last three years. I was in a very, very dark place for two solid years… terrifyingly dark and so hard on myself and I don’t think, husband, even on your darkest days, you can even fathom how dark a place I was in.
And, btw, on topic of self care and how it supports our marriage, it also does help our family too which is our marriage! A good marriage should encourage this kind of self care and valuing ones own self worth. I should not and will not continue to defend it. I do feel I owe it to our son… my own self care for my mental state and physical and spiritual state being healthy so our one minor child still at home as a solid mom. And I want to to be the best mom, for our teen son, that I can be through self care and self nurturing. I must be able to stand on my own two feet spiritually and emotionally, and so I never, EVER return to that dark state again for our wonderful son’s sake if not my own. I cannot do that to him again! EVER!
I am a bit stronger now because my priority has been getting to know, accept and value myself these last three years. Because if I can’t and don’t do it – who will? That’s on me to do … no one else. But it’s also raised my standards of what I need and expect in close/intimate relationships: romantic-sexual, friendship, family and professional or otherwise. I am still learning who I am and coming to some more self acceptance but it’s been a painstaking and painful journey examining my own damaged self and the resulting character flaws that I have.
I don’t really need anyone else (aka: YOU) taking my inventory, pointing out my struggles or pointing out where I’m fucked up cause I already know. Let’s leave it at that. I end with this great quote and the request, again, to wait til the one year anniversary of my mom’s death passes next month. Then you can tell me when you’d like to move out. Your faithful wife, MM
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect—you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”― Bob Marley
Just checking…I know you are from Australia…are you okay? Hoping you are staying safe in the fires, drought and extreme heat.
Hey tshattered, thank you for thinking of me. Yes, I’m fine! I live in a major city so all good. There are still days when the smoke makes the air smell like burning trees and we have severe water restrictions in place (no filling of backyard pools, no watering of gardens with hoses etc) but we’re managing just fine.
My husband is in the defence forces and had been deployed indefinitely to help communities where the fires have decimated small rural towns. This is all unprecedented. It doesn’t help that our prime minister is a dickhead climate change denier who did nothing until it all blew up in his face and his numbers dropped in the polls. Such an embarrassment.
Thank you for checking in with me. SWxo
Glad you are safe. I agree wholeheartedly about your PM.
All I can say to your post is I hope you’re truly happy!! I, myself, couldn’t stay with my cheating ex. It was just too much for me.
I am now, almost six years later, in a truly commited relationship. We BOTH value honesty and communication equally. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve TRIED to find him lieing to me/cheating on me! I search his phone, I go through his email, I talk to his friends, I literally do ANYTHING I can!!! I expect him to lie and cheat!!
I know damn well my ex made me ALMOST impossible to be with as I know I struggle with trust and doubt. You NEED to be an open book to even be my friend at this point! If I suspect you’re lieing I drop you!
My point is, I sincerely hope you’re actually truly happy! I hope you are living your best life! I only want happiness for EVERYONE involved!! If this brings your heart happiness then you’re doing it right! If not, you need to reevaluate….
I am constantly reevaluating, Misty. I am still with him, but not with him. It’s a lame existence but I get by. Thanks for thinking of me. SWxo
I’m was also wondering how Shattered Wife was during and post the fires and what it was like to have her husband deployed …and then back. I’m glad you and yours are safe!! Now CoVid19 has changed the entire planet’s life… well for humans anyway. For the Earth, animals, sky and oceans it’s a welcome break, it seems, from human’s collective over use and abuse of this beautiful spot in the cosmos. She’s like a betrayed spouse post a post-affair split… liberated from her betrayer. Anyway.. I’m curious how CoVid is impacting you Shattered Wife… sheltering in place can be a cluster fuck if you are home with the betraying spouse and kids. I’m grateful that I have three years of intense therapy and work in al anon behind me to keep a somewhat serene attitude toward this huge global event and keep the fear in check. I don’t want my spouse, our children or anyone I love to get sick and suffer with this awful virus. Frankly, I don’t want anyone to go through it… not any of you here or just anyone. But here we are. I still care about my spouse’s well being even if he did shred my heart. I’m grateful that I’m not going thru this three years ago because I probably would have had to move out … I would NOT have been able to cope… to get thru one day, never mind weeks on end, in such close proximity to him. My mental health could not have coped. Now I’m in my room and he is in his and our teen son in his. He sometimes questions why I don’t sleep in the same room anymore, with his dad,but I brush it off as “we keep different hours” or “to stay healthy”; I’m sure he sees right thru it, at age 17, but we have bigger fish to fry… like staying alive and doing our bit to keep others healthy. So how is everyone doing… Shattered wife and those on Rant Wall (tried posting there too about new “normal” but no one replied… so I’m trying here Shattered Wife and all. How are we all doing living and working and managing round the clock with our betraying spouse? Stories? Insight? Tips? I truly care and I know self-care and compassion toward myself is the way out. Stay safe, sanitary, sane, serene and 6′ social distance from anyone you don’t already live with. Be well, stay well. Peace, MollyMagee
All this pressure to write a post! I’m doing well, Mollymagee. I think the time together at home for my husband and I has done us good. Will write soon. Thank you for thinking of me. SWxo
Well, thanks for replying and, no pressure, but many of us have come to count on your posts and it has been 5 months and a lot going on in your neck of the woods and across the globe. This new “normal” is quite a cluster fuck for many of going thru this.. being in lock down or sheltered in place or whatever your town/city/nation calls it and with, potentially, the person who hurt you the most in adult life. The statistics are pretty grim… domestic abuse across the globe is sky rocketing. So just wondering what your take on it is; sounds like it’s potentially helping you and yours to turn a positive corner…. which is good. Anyway, no news except one day at a time for all of us, sometimes one hour at a time. When you start a successful project like this I guess the blessing is you have to expect people to want to hear how you are and any new insights you might have. That’s all. Be well, stay well. Peace, xo mollymagee