It’s not fun.
It will never be fun again.
I realise that now.
I can’t fix this fucking mess.
My husband can’t fix it either.
Affairs leave a devastating wallop to your psyche.
So much time is spent accepting that nothing will ever be the same, nothing will ever go “back to normal”, and that no amount of action will fix the disdain and resentment you feel for your cheating partner.
I can only assume that people claiming an affair made their marriage “stronger” are lying through their fucking teeth.
There’s nothing left for my husband and I.
We live under the same roof but in separate rooms.
Sex is a thing of the past. Not that I care – I don’t ever feel the need for it.
We spend more time arguing than anything else, mostly about how much he yells at the kids.
I do not know why we are still living together.
Is it because we’re both too apathetic to call it a day?
Thinking about the future with him fills me with absolute misery. What an awful prospect.
Why are we too weak to walk away from each other?
The lying cunt drains all energy from me.
The thought of another twenty or thirty years with this serial cheater weighs down my heart, my head.
I don’t love him so why am I still here?
You really have to do what you need to for yourself. I personally found that I was slowly loosing myself. That I was barely functioning, living like a robot. It has been scary and difficult but I made the decision to file for divorce. I was only finishing what the ex had started by his betrayal. I finally realized he was not willing to change or do the hard work of changing. Why should I have to be the one to always do the hard work? The decision to stand on my own has been tough but less tough tgen the reality of a lifetime with someone who does not respect me. Find your truth, you are worth it. Hugs to you.
I’m 18 months into discovery now and am amazed at how my feelings towards him have changed. From the man I adored all I see now is a weak and pathetic fool. I actually pity him !!! But I know I will be ok. It’s him that’s wrecked everything and he knows that and he’s the one who has to live with it, everyday. And to add bad to worse, we’ve just found out that me eldest sons wife is having an affair. Strangely I actually admire her as she’s admitted it and had asked for a divorce so she can start a new life with this man. At least she’s Not hiding behind it was a mistake, I love you really and all the other bullshit I hear daily
It’s been over five years for us, and my husbands affair. You have to make an effort to do things you both enjoy together. If you have no joint interests, then you are just co existing. If you separated and met someone else what would you do different to make sure your lives together were fun and interesting? It takes effort on both sides. If myself and my husband didn’t have an interest that we both enjoyed and never did anything fun together, I doubt we would stay together. It sounds like neither of you are fulfilling each other’s needs.
Not necessarily. I’m 2.5 years post discovery and we have lots of interest together. that’s the problem – we’re just friends now. I have no love for this man and just pitty him…….
I’m so sorry to hear this, I maybe thought you’d be one of the lucky ones and be able get through the shit if an affair. I know exactly what you mean about the resentment, I to feel this towards my own cheating husband, every time I look at his face all I see is a lying, cheating asshole, none of his words mean anything to me, nothing can ever repair the damage that was done. But like you I’m still here, waiting patiently until I have the means and the courage to leave him, it will happen but just when is the question, he’s obviously to my real thoughts, we just tag along pretending ever thing I’d ‘normal’ but he’s in for a shock when I eventually leave, just like the shock I had on D-Day. I wish you well in whatever you decide. x
Sarah Clark said:
Please do what is right for you and the children , leave the kids will not enjoy being in an environment of hate believe me! I am 3 years on and have never been happier and I am now in a healthy relationship that I didn’t even go looking for my children are happier and my ex is still livi g a lifestyle that is exhausting him and I don’t care. Happiness is the new richness xx
Leave him! Life’s too short: if you had one year left to live, what would you do?? Now go do it, on your way to therapy
Oh shit. I did hope for an update because you have been an absolute beacon of hope for so many of us who needed your words to help guide us through our own painful infidelity mine field…
But not this. Not because I think or feel less of you, no, because I had hoped against all hope that maybe, just maybe a small miracle would wash through your world for all the good that you have done for countless many others.
All that said? I wrote about the woman I met on the airplane whilst I was scooting off abroad, all of her pain, regret, misery – all caused by staying with the very person who had hurt her the most – her cheating husband. She stayed for decades and ended up having a mini melt down on the plane.
Pardon my language here, but f*ck that sh*t – She stayed for decades and it utterly tore her soul 17 million ways sunday and she lost her very identity to her suffering and pain.
We are on this ride only once – and if people want to treat others like dog sh*t and have affairs that cause years, decades even, of pain and misery? They better serve up a dish of miracles and make good on their shit, or frankly? Get the hell out of our ways so we can rebuild anew.
I feel for you, I truly do, and wish you and your children nothing but the absolute best for the future – and I hope soon, one day? One day you will wake up with the anser sat in your heart and walk that path, where ever it may lead.
It’s been 11 months for me. We separated immediately. I am find in real joy in my life again. It’s been a tough year, getting divorced is not easy, but it is absolutely empowering.
I look at my ex as a weak and selfish person. There is really no way he could make ammends to me, or to his children, who have also been betrayed and exposed to this. So we move on without him.
It’s his loss. I am loving the freedom.
You can be free too. Take control. Get the lawyer.
My journey has paralleled yours but I was one year behind you.
I felt every bit of your pain as you wrote from your heart, l thank you for helping me in my journey through this shit. So sorry to hear how it has become so toxic . I hope you can escape him and the misery he brings. Wishing only love and light in your future x
Take the time you need to sort everything out. Make your plans to take back your life and your soul. Gather your strength and go.
Like they say on the airplane, put your mask on before you help others. You and your children deserve the best life possible. You can do it. You will do it.
You are an inspiration.
Sending you the biggest of hugs in all the world.
Forever Broken said:
SW, I hate to hear this, but can relate to the ups and downs of infidelity. I have been on the roller-coaster for almost 4 yrs (D-Day: Dec 31, 2015) and still have my good days and bad. I cry every day. but the anxiety and pain has less of an impact. My husband has been doing the hard work to repair himself and the marriage, as well as my trust. He is no longer hurting me now and I feel myself healing.
I have been resistant to heal too quickly, because of the fear it stirs up in me. Anxiety has been a constant friend for years and feels like it has the power to protect me from new or recurring traumas, so I wrap myself in it like armor around my heart. But, staying stuck in the negative is beginning to no longer serve me. I have been trying to replace the painful and angry messages, that run through my head daily, with more positive ones. This is helping, but is a constant struggle to find positive messages that I actually believe.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate through this mess. Do what you need to do to heal and protect yourself- no judgement here. I hope you can find our joy soon.
16 years later, it’s still not fun. If you can get out, get out. I wish I had gotten out years ago, now I feel trapped and am afraid I will be like the woman on the plane one day. Thinking of you and wishing you the happiness that has eluded me.
tshattered – Her story broke me into small pieces as we sat there, and I saw the misery of the decades in her face, the sheer pain that she wished she had left her cheating husband four decades earlier.
Funnily enough I was messaged by her today, and she got her divorce, started painting and travelling. Her parting words?
It is never too late to find happiness or to change our lives. We just think it is because we are blinded by fears that infideltiy filled our hearts with.
So sorry to hear how things are going… saw your story as an inspiration for successfully overcoming infidelity.😔 It is still not too late… Wish you strength, patience, and wisdome ❤
I’m sorry. I really mean that. I am 13 years in. He has only cheated with the one person that I am aware, but he didn’t do the work to see if we could get passed it. Still lied and hid things for years. Things he thought were harmless but that he knew would make me mad. He has been trying hard for the last year or two but sadly too much damage has been done. There are other issues as well. Our 2 kids still at home are 17 and 13. Finances are a mess. I’ve just recently made good progress through the last year and a half of therapy, before that I was not doing well at all. I feel like.you do in terms of people who day it made their marriage stronger. I can’t see it. The betrayal stays. I have PTSD from all of this. If people only knew the damage to their significant other and their children maybe they wouldn’t do this. The children pay. So unfair.
Don't Lose Hope said:
I wonder, too, about affairs and traumas making us stronger. Perhaps we learn something from them but they take a terrible toll. I’m not sure we ever fully recover. Perhaps we build something – and maybe – better. But the deep scars will always be there. And I suspect we will always have to deal with triggers.
Yup, I understand completely. And you can’t talk to anyone about it anymore (especially him) because they all think, “why isn’t she over it by now?” NOBODY understands what we’re going through unless they’ve been through it themselves. We have PTSD and the triggers are still all around. (One small example – my husband and the bitch used to talk secretly on the fax phone we have downstairs, even while I was in the house upstairs, and now when it rings every once in a while it opens up the wound like it all just happened yesterday.) So here’s how I found out about his affair. The fax phone rang one day when I was downstairs and something told me to look at the caller ID list. There were a lot of calls at very unusual times coming in from three numbers (her cell, her home & her job) so I kept a log for a couple of months not knowing what to do next. She worked for him. I knew her. (The piece of garbage had even come to my father’s funeral.) I felt like I was losing my mind. I knew if I confronted my husband he would just deny everything, saying of course they had to talk on the phone because she worked for him. I had no choice but to record their conversations. I also wanted to be sure this was what I thought it was before I confronted him. Well I only listened to several conversations but I can never “unknow” how he called her honey; how he could spend a day with her, call her on the way home and then call her from my house when he got home; how he called her as soon as he left our house; how they trashed me; how they made plans to see other as often as they could; how they talked about phone sex, etc., etc. My husband was with this woman for two years, that he admits to. He is remorseful and says it’s the worst mistake of his life. That’s all well and good and maybe he’ll never do it again and maybe he hates her now but….does anyone have any magic answers as to how anyone could ever forget what he had with her and what she was to him? I have told our marriage counselor (in front of him) that I feel an incredible sadness knowing she got the best of my husband, while I get to feel like the old, used up, comfortable, fall-back plan, for the rest of my life, and it just feels awful. The counselor asked me why he would be there fighting to keep us together if that were just the case and I told him I feel it’s so he doesn’t look like a bum being divorced because he was cheating on his wife of 30+ years (he would be upset if his reputation was tarnished), he wouldn’t want to lose his house and half his money, and he wouldn’t want to lose our couple friends. I told him I feel like a prop to keep him looking respectable. I hate feeling like this and I hate the fact that if it wasn’t for this blog I would feel like nobody out there understands that when this happens to you it is a devastating thing that feels like it will hang on forever. We all try our best to deal with it. Thank goodness we all have each other to vent to.
Deserves Brtter said:
This is exactly me 6 years later. It will never get better. I feel like a coward and I betrayed myself by not leaving.
Honey, six years in hell is enough. Just make the decision and take that leap. Your marriage is completely dead, by the sound of it. It’s time to start living again.
It has been awhile hasn’t it almost 6 years for me as well coming up in April oh Shattered I’m sorry for the pain.. things can get better with or without him.. it’s so hard to hang on and for what?
So many tell me move on live your best life🤣🤣🤣
With 4 kids wondering what the fuck is happening
If controlling my household isn’t hard enough 🤣🤣
I swear I want to get a burner phone for these moments in our blogosphere
So all of us can just talk and be like yes i get it too ❤️❤️❤️
Take all the time you need you are there because you are
You have your reasons
Leave or stay is both hard
Like Paula always says be kind to you
No matter what crazy is going on in the house or between you two..
Lots of hugs ❤️❤️💯💯💯
Here’s to another day
Oh honey. My heart breaks for you. I made my husband move out last August. I caught him last March. He’s still around, mostly for the kids. He now realizes the hell he’s wrought. It all sucks so much.