I hate it when this ‘day for lovers’ comes around.
What is there to celebrate after you’ve been cheated on?
I came home from work today to find an enormous bouquet of red roses awaiting me.
My wedding bouquet was an arrangement of red roses, so receiving them on Valentine’s Day feels like such a slap in the face.
Did the promises he made on our wedding day ultimately matter?
Do these flowers today matter?
I hate sounding like an ungrateful bitch, but what are we really celebrating here??
Valentine’s Day can just fuck right off.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
Totally hear you. What is worse than Valentine’s day you may ask? Our wedding anniversary!
Ugh, the wedding anniversary. We skip it every year since the affair. Absolutely nothing to celebrate. SWxo
Valentines, wedding anniversary, birthdays, you name it….no, no, no, no! What for? He bought roses to his co-worker and thn came home with my favourite yellow roses just so that I did not see the withdrawal on our bank account…and I was happy. He fucked my mind up and I was naively happy! How twisted is that?? He sold our 17 years of marriage for 5 minutes sex with that teacher who said my husband was her no.50!! He was my first in everything and I really thought we both were happy because he never gave me a reason to believe anything else…😢
SW I have followed you through the last 2,5 years and I’ll like to ask you some questions. Are you happy now after putting this hard work in recovering? I get that you love him (sort of), but do you really love him after the mess and avalanche of shit and dirt he put you through?
Here I am after almost 3 years: we are together; he says he loves me and regrets everything; he has been patient, supportive, and answered all my questions and still does. Me, on the other hand, have built walls surrounding my heart; changed my perspective on everything; changed myself in a person that I do not recognize, like or even agree with… Took me 2,5 years to tell him that I love him (told him 3 weeks ago once and retreated in myself again, not to become too vulnerable again) and that I want to, somehow, commit to our marriage; however I don’t really know how😔. I have had 3 emotional affairs with 3 wonderful men that I come to care for in my twisted way and that I don’t regret at all (my husband knows about them, accepted, and understand the reasons). I still keep in contact with all of them on an amicable level. I am afraid I will never connect emotionally with my husband although sex is often and great…Our kids are happy that we haven’t separated, although they told us that they would understand if I choose to leave their father….These years have been so fking hard that I wondered how I got through it all… Wasn’t for my first emotional affair, I would probably be dead by now. He helped me through my suicidal period caused by my beloving husband… Everything is so twisted, sad, depressing, meaningless….How about u Sw? Can you honestly say that things are well after 5 years, that you are emotionally connected to your husband, and that everything/He is worth the pain?
Hello WIDC, wow, so many questions. I think I’m going need a blog post to address all of these. Stand by. I am grateful you wrote to me. SWxo
No problem SW, I won’t run anywhere. I can wait on your answer, and please do take your time. No rush from here. I prefer you take your time …
I have tried to find information from others that have experienced this shitty storm some years ago and that have somehow overcome it and are still together, but it is hard to find something reliable. I am especially interested in knowing how their life turned out, if they love their cheating spouses or if they still think about leaving them after let’s say 3-6 years from the D-Day. It seems that the internet is full of crap or that I just can’t fking move on! You find people and stories telling you that you either leave your marriage and start all over or that their marriage/relation is even better thn before and that’s bshit(!) in my opinion.
I was happy, I really was… I had everything; a good life, a good husband and best friend, wonderful kids, a quiet and peaceful life, a God that watched over us, good health, great job, good salary, nice holidays, good family and in-laws, good sex once in a while, endless conversations with my husband (he is extroverted and I am an introverted person, so I listen to him whenever he showed a need to talk)… you name it. I didn’t need to change a thing from what we had. Also, I did not in a million years see this coming and I never ever thought for a split second that he was capable of cheating me both by cybersex/cybertexting with different women and in real life by having sex with his colleague. I am not stupid; have a MD and a PhD and work the fking all day with brain networks and its chemistry, but did not see this coming:(
He sold me/us so cheap… it is not about a minor mistake, because we are all humans and make plenty of them; it’s about deliberating stubbing one’s back and wanting to fk up the beloved one’ life from every possible and impossible angle.
How do one move on and overcome this? Have you moved on, like really moved on? or are we, the cheated spouses just some pathetic losers that like living in the misery and do not want to move on?
P.S. please excuse my gramma… English is not my first nor second language.
I agree. When I found out about Loser the first time, I found the card he had sent to his tramp for Valentine’s Day.
The second great day was when I knew about the latest tramp and he called me and, almost crying, said “I didn’t do anything this year…on either end. It was just too weird. I think I’m just going to go home and drink my dinner.” I remember laughing and telling him that he’d better do something for “it,” or it would punish him.
Two days later, I got a card in the mail. It was a picture of him and his tramp, arms wrapped around each other at a Valentine’s Day “Sweetheart party.” He had bought the tickets two weeks earlier.
Talk about a pig.
Noooo! That is just awful! Pig ain’t even the start of it. Why would he send you a picture of the two of them?? What sicko. Hugs to you. SWxo
He didn’t send it. She did.
WHAT A CUNT.
Two pieces of garbage….both of them!
Maybe they’ll enjoy reading about themselves in my book. At least I hope so.
Just how I feel today. Exactly like this, including the stupid bouquet of red roses on my table. Valentine’s Day and all the stupid asshole cheaters can just fuck right off.
Exactly. I’m convinced the roses are there so others can see what a wonderful husband he is . SWxo
My wife told me last Valentine’s that “flowers don’t do it for her anymore.” That was just a tiny part of the puzzle unveiling related to the long time sexless marriage and divorce filing in the fall. At the time her honesty hurt deeply but in the long run made the decision more clear. Perhaps be honest and say these type of gestures remind you of his betrayal. I’d rather have that knowledge than think the path to healing is available.
Bouquets of flowers only do it for me as long as they are NEVER roses. I hate rose bunches… they’re the ugliest kind of rose, all twisted up. No smell. Rose BUSHES? Different. They’re beautiful… they have a smell. I find nothing enjoyable about ugly flowers with no smell that cost a TON.
I like plants or closed-up flowers so I can enjoy them for a long time. Gladiola shoots are amazing. Those will last for weeks. Trader Joe’s has them very cheaply and W will pick a few colors or find a bouquet with the buds still wrapped up tightly. The way they BURST out… come downstairs in the morning and x-many blooms have popped… gorgeous. Fragrant. Lilacs picked from a tree. Hyacinths (many stores sell the bulb in a glass water jar.) Peonies. Hydrangeas. Lily plants.
I have always said this. The difference is that, during these past several years, W listens and does that instead of buying me roses. You stop being grateful “for the thought” when someone has been giving you flowers you hate – and have said so many times – for years and years.
Ah, you have some lovely choices in the there! I also like freesias. Such a gorgeous smell! SWxo
Yes, thank you, that is good advice. I will. SWxo
Very well said. Straight forward, honest communication is always the way to go. You may hurt someone but holding it all inside is hurting you.
My husband has been going the ‘little bit of everything’ for the last 20 years. (Been 33 yrs since ‘that which will not be discussed).
I wake up to flowers or plant, card with loving “Thank you for X wonderful years. I love you so much”. Yada yada… There’s always some expensive chocolate, and a piece of really nice jewelry. We go out to dinner too.
I usually forget about it completely so when I see everything laid out I say “Oh shit. I don’t even have a card for him”
Ha, I haven’t bought my husband a VD card since D-Day. I feel no guilt whatsoever. SWxo
I’m with you, hate Valentine’s day.
It’s so meaningless now. I remember when used to go completely to town on 14 Feb. Now it’s just another fucking painful reminder of another day lost to the affair. SWxo
I feel ya’ it’s hard to see the present when these feeling invade us and make our “special days” the shittiest. I told my husband last night after receiving basically a gag gift to just not even try.. he says he knows if he doesn’t it will affect me anyways. It just feels like nothing will ever amount to the pain of feeling worthless by the one person who made you feel like you weren’t alone in this world.
What the hell did you receive as a gag gift? And why did he think that would be a good idea? SWxo
Agree! Absolutely f&%&ing HATE Valentine’s Day! He gave me a card and a gift certificate to a salon. We just co-exist. No quality conversations. Little sex, he now rolls his eyes at me at times. Not sure why I still hang on.
Most of us ask why we still hang on. It’s so life changing. Do we have to suffer until the day we die? SWxo
OMgosh… I already feel better…thanks all! And yes, to hell with V-Day. Yesterday I did my teaching in a social/emotional/behavioral class where I teach theater and social pragmatics… to young people, grade 5, from trauma and special needs/emotional needs backgrounds. I brought in paper dollies and said… let’s make cards and this group was confused… they didn’t know who to make cards for. Already by the age of 10/11 they’ve had shoved down their throats that V-day is for romance and sex and romantic relationships. Here’s a copy of my bitter rant on FB: I hate the emphasis on romantic/sexual love for V-day… it’s so overdone and so impermanent… and so fleeting. It’s one of the loves that last the least amount of time in our lives…so why do we obsess and hyper focus on it? The love between parent and child; between child and grandparent; between siblings; between friends and neighbors; between cousins; between friends is so much more long lasting than romantic or sexual love. I made home-made v-day cards with my 4/5th grade behavioral class yesterday… many had never seen paper dollies or knew who they should make a card for. I said: “Your mom, your dad, your mom and dad, your grands, your guardians, your friends here at school, yourself, your teachers.. .” It made me sad that by age 10/11 even these kids thought V-day was just for romantic relationships. That’s what shoved down their throats as legitimate love; I’d like to think I played a small role in their life teaching that there’s love far beyond and longer lasting than sexy-romantic-bullshit love that usually ends with break ups, divorces, infidelity and domestic violence. Just saying… viva la difference… and long live Valentine’s for all!!!
So I gave my husband the smallest and kid like card I could dig out of my pile of old v-day cards and tucked it into his computer as he left for work.. the tool he used for most of his flirting w/his AP that started almost fours years ago this coming April. Laptop and phone. Then in person spring/summer 2016. Start date: 2015. Relationship DOA by October 2016. I wrote: “You are loved by so many, me too!” In other words… I don’t feel that special to you anymore. He didn’t call or write to acknowledge it. He did write me a sincere card and I got a bouquet of mixed roses and beautiful white flowers from Trader Joes last night. I’m trying, trying to be appreciative… they are lovely. But my heart’s not in it. Not at all anymore. Who cares? Who knows if this is just the motion to make things seem normal or just another time I think they are only to find out they aren’t again?
And just this week… his AP is back on FB after about two years, that I can tell, off and hiding out. This week there she is… entitled, cocky, smiling c-t that she is wearing a t-shirt from a band from a number of music genres that they both “shared such a common love for and interest in… inexplicably” … give me a break. This is a quote from his break up letter to her. Oh, so me birthing your two kids wasn’t enough of a bond, seeing you thru major back injury and surgery wasn’t?, having a young adult daughter w/cancer wasn’t?,having a teen son on the autism spectrum wasn’t??? Nope.. your common bond in music and books made you two perfect partners. He takes it all back now… but again… who cares???
I’m now more focused on me. I wish I could stop staring at pics of her… obsessing about her… I was doing so well but I’m back to doing that again… seeing her self-satisfied photo w/that t-shirt set me off again… like binge drinking or drugging (none of which I do).. she’s my drug. I use her to make myself feel better than and terrible too. I wish I could stop. Al Anon meetings and therapy were helping but I still think I clean break with my husband, once our son is thru HS, is the only one. I’m just trying to be mentally healthy and sound for our son mostly.
But what role does she play besides comparing myself. I think she allows me to avoid thinking about me.. which is the really scary part… cause I identified as gay/bi years ago and I think I want to go back to that identity again.. by choice. I don’t see myself growing old w/him. Or any man. I’m trying not to be mean or lash out at him anymore… because maybe I”ll look back someday when I’m madly in love in my 60s with a woman…and be grateful to them both that they screwed up enough to let me take this risk… after all, they had no problem taking theirs.
When his affair came out… everyone and their brother, friends, therapists, etc… said… “you have to take care of you and make this about you now… about YOUR life…. not HIS” And I had no idea what they meant… really … what does that mean. As adult daughter of alcoholic father my whole life was about taking care of others…and putting other’s goals before mine.. his, my mom’s, my siblings, my spouse, our kids… etc. Well, my mom got sick in fall w/cancer at age 88 and died ten weeks later of heart attack/stroke and I can’t tell you how much her death has changed the whole dynamic between me and my husband. I miss the hell out of here and I’m still reeling in mourning. I’m 56 and now there’s no buffer left between me and death.. all the woman and men (parents, aunts, uncles, etc) in the “older generation” are now gone and me and my older sibling are the “older ones” now. My husband said he wanted to feel happy and wanted and that motivated his affair, which started at age 60 and lasted to age 62. Now I want that.. happiness, contentment… alone or with a partner that I won’t be checking his/her phone and computer and wondering and worrying – will this happen again. Because i won’t have the strength -little that I had at age 53 to 56 to do this again. The next time – if there is one… I’m gone. No question. But maybe I want to be gone anyway. … Not because I’m angry and hurt and still feel rejected and competitive w/her – which I do some days but not like I did the first year or so (it’s over I know but now I know there’s a line of women out there willing to cheat w/married men and ruin marriages and families)… but maybe I want to just try life outside of marriage again. It’s been 30 years and people tell me I won’t want to be alone but I like my own company. And I’m not so sure I was supposed to grow old and leave this life as a man’s wife. For now, I’m here and being a family woman, for my son, if nothing else.
Trust, recover, forgiveness, peace, contentment, forgetting, healing… it’s all words til you go thru it. Thoughts anyone?
Peace to all. And yes.. fuck Happy V-day!! MM
A woman on my flight was sat in tears. Floods of tears. I asked what was wrong.
“Today, 41 years ago, I discovered my husband was having an affair. I’ve felt dead inside all these years and so miserable & worthless. I don’t want to go home. It still keeps me up and night and has killed me inside.”
For 41 years she hasn’t celebrated an anniversary or Valentine’s Day and it’s robbed her of her happiness. For 4 decades.
After hearing that, I just crumpled up inside with sadness for her. 41 years of feeling sad so two cheating cunts got a little bit of action.
We landed in Oslo and I sat with her and ate a nice dinner, chatted. I told her all about the abuse I suffered, and how happiness can be refound but it’s hard work. She perked up and booked a hotel for the week instead of going home.
Her words will haunt me all my days. I was robbed of 18 years and a career…but 41 years… holy shit. So sad.
Oh no, that is heartbreaking 😦
I’m four years out and my husband just can’t understand why I “do nothing to try and heal.” I try every day and even though I know he do a lot to make up for what he did, every time I think of him and her (which is still often) it still makes me sick to my stomach. He keeps telling me how sorry he is and how plenty of people go on to rebuild their marriages after an affair (who are all these people?) but I honestly don’t know how anyone gets over it. I try to think about it less but I don’t think I’ll ever get over my husband’s betrayal of two plus years. It wasn’t good enough for them to just be with each other, they, especially her, enjoyed trashing me. How does anyone just forgive and forget that?
So heartbreaking… Hope will not be me in 20 years😔
Wow… Blownaway.. it will be three years this summer I found out and it’s four years this month April 2015 they started up. You words are my words,your thoughts are my thoughts. Until our son, who has a disability, is launched into his young adult life post HS (in two years) I have chosen not to make a final decision about my marriage. I can’t really decide for myself until he’s out of the house or just settled into post HS plans…whatever they will be and I know he’ll be relatively ok. Our daughter is married and doing well in her career but when his affair started (well, actually it started six months before) our daughter was diagnosed with stage 3c Cancer.. very serious. And even that did not stop them.. his AP was told we had a son on autism spectrum and a young adult daughter with cancer and it didn’t stop either one of them. Now I take care of myself and try, try not to obsess about them… thru therapy and Al Anon meetings and more. I read and believe that forgiveness is more for us and our sense of peace and I agree.. but I will never, can never, forget. My trust for him is gone. There’s a tiny smidge back but not much. But I wake grateful each morning for my children, my daughter-in-law, friends and family, my pets and my health and spiritual life. I don’t look to him for my happiness anymore. I probably never should have. That’s inside me. Some days are better than others. My mom just died so that’s a new factor weighing in on all of of this. When it first came out… people said “I have choices”. I couldn’t believe or hear that…I can a bit more now. And honestly, even with all the crap they put us through, would you want to wake each morning and see yourself in mirror knowing you imploded your marriage, family life, people’s view of you for some selfish thrill no matter how you justified it to yourself?? At least we don’t have to face or deal with that. They will, on some level, til their last living breath. Try not to be hard on yourself about “those who rebuild” after affair; your husband didn’t just cheat on “anyone” …. he cheated on YOU and your heart and soul and life you shared. You have your own unique story and limitations and boundaries and healthy limits. I too, still get sick thinking of them together. Give yourself permission to even consider your life would be better w/o this pain weighing on you… not necessarily with someone new but w/yourself – released from this pain. Hope this helps. Write back if you want. Peace.MM
Cheaters cause so much pain – lifelong pain. We never forget (tho many say they forgave). Decades after the betrayal there are still things that can resurrect it all again.
I no longer react with pain. My go to emotions 30+ yrs on are resentment and disgust over his selfishness and weakness. Doesn’t last long. He doesn’t even remember her name.
What I miss the most was being able to show vulnerability in our marriage. I’m a rock now – strong and hard.
#Laurelwolfelives do you intend to write a book about his affair? Funny how things change… before the affair I was all wrapped up with reading books and publishing scientific articles from/in my field (neurology). Post affair, I have had grown a desire to write a non-fiction/novel about lost innocence… I found out that writing thoughts down help me analyse and overcome his deception and my depression.
I don’t know what is worse…Valentines or Anniversary’s. Today is our 21st anniversary. Things aren’t really bad but I still can’t forget his betrayal 14 years ago. What did he think 14 years ago when he was with that bitch yet it was our anniversary…how could he lie to me like that? Since then he’s started going bald, has horrible back issues (has had surgery) and all I can think is “hmmmm, karma”. Picking out a card was the worst….I settled on a funny one. The romantic one’s were all lies….he’s not been the “perfect” mate….I do have regrets and wouldn’t choose him or this life all over again…those cards all got passed by. I really want to be happy….how do I become happy again?
tshattered, how do you become happy again? Simple.
Focus on YOU. Focus on something grand, big, scary, wonderful. Plan it. Prepare for it. Use it as a beacon.
And then go do it.
Alone.
Yep, alone. Go do that grand big scary adventure all by yourself and feel ALIVE!
I was destroyed by domestic abuse. Utterly destroyed. So i did something scary. Then another scary thing. Then another and another and then…. the whores pain didnt mean shit to me any more.
I did so many scary things i never felt so alive.
And 5 years later im deeply in love, planning to get married to a beautiful tranquil soul who is wild and free. And so am I.
Thats how you feel happy. By living, not existing. Alive.
My best wishes.
Ian.
Hoping you’ll do a May or June entry soon to your blog. Miss hearing from you.
Hi Shattered Wife,
Like everyone else, V-Day means nothing to me now. As I said in an older post it is our wedding anniversary! Been together 15yrs and we still co-habit, but the whole set-up is different now. We are friends and co-parents. He was accepting of that, but lately wants to ‘cosy up’. Not in this lifetime. I told him I would be more than happy to support him to move out with whatever household furniture and effects he needs. He is not happy, but then neither was I for the first couple of years after he cheated. If he wants a romantice relationship he is free to leave and pursue that.
I do feel happier now, and have done heaps of work on regaining my self-esteem, sanity and enjoyment in life. I don’t give a shit about the slut AP or what she is doing. It no longer hurts when I bus past the restaurant he took her too on the day I found out. I am over him, and have my power back. We kinda agreed to stay in the same place for our son. I have to say that we do have a friendship and do stuff together as a family. Can’t see that lasting long-term, but doesn’t worry me either. Life is good, I have focussed on my career and parenting, and have a great network of family and friends. I care about him but there is no romantic love, and doubt that will ever come back. I am not keen to start another relationship so have let things roll for now. At least son doesn’t have to live in two places.
I have to say that this experience of being betrayed has changed me so much though. At one time I thought I would die without him, now I know I will survive no matter what and I never want to feel that dependent in a relationship again. I think it is actually healthier to be able to be your own person within a relationship. Onwards and upwards!
You have come a long way! Many women who have been cheated on fail to go on. They give up. They shrivel up and die. But you have done work on yourself and moved forward. That is amazing. Be proud. SWxo
Lola… I replied to your reply here but it wasn’t saved.Can you write to me at this email and I’ll send it to you… I have copy: maryrutkowski62@gmail.com Thanks.Hope to be in touch.
Lola…you are blowing my mind…this is just what I needed to read tonight. I am almost three years to Dday coming up this July, 2019. For the first two years, post hitting rock bottom, I tried to force/convince myself that I wanted reconciliation with my husband and to repair but in retrospect, I know now that I was was in no condition to promise any of that to him or even myself. I was a wreck from the event. Our daughter, then age 25, was fighting cancer while he was having the affair. His affair started five to six months before she was diagnosed and continued during her treatment; my daughter is thankfully doing better now, not cured, but working and married her wife almost a year or so ago. She turns 29 tomorrow Thank God!! In addition we have a son on the autism spectrum who was 13 then – now 16. I’m committed to sticking out co-living until our son is thru HS. Two more years. We tried marriage counseling 3x… the first two were bust… he was lying still and in contact with AP. Why did he even bother? And he was the one pressuring me to work “on the marriage”! Hey buddy, I didn’t screw it up in the first place. The third time, we made some progress but my mom got very sick this past fall 2018, ironically with same cancer my daughter has, and died in under 10 weeks. I’m still reeling from the speed and shock of her illness and death. We were in marriage counseling up until her death in December 2018 but I can’t seem to get back to it. I’m mourning now the end of my marriage as I knew it and now the loss of my mom who was my best friend in many ways. I am so lonely in this “marriage” and miss her so. Her death has made the loneliness of our marriage even worse.
I have spent two grueling years trying to come to some peace about this cataclysmic event in our marriage. I don’t see the marriage or him the same anymore. How could I?? I don’t see it changing for the better. For that matter… I don’t see myself the same way either.. some for the good, some painfully for the worse. I spent two years obsessing about his affair partner and I’m slowly but surely letting that go. She’s a fairly attractive but hugely overweight married woman from TX, with one adult child, who has a criminal record for mostly financial crimes (guess what besides his weenie she was interested in… yes.. our healthy bank account!) and has been a grifter for years. She may have even been working with her husband, who she cheated on her first husband with, to scam my husband…who knows!!! She’s a nit wit.
I am especially worried about getting an STD from him by way of her. I worry about HPV especially since it lies dormant and then surfaces as cervical, throat or anal cancer. We had to be tested when his affair was accidentally found by me (I had no suspicions prior to seeing a text from his AP) because they had a mostly emotionally sexting/texting/secret email affair for over a year that became physical with no condom use. I insisted on testing when the affair first came out fully. I get regularly tested still just to make sure nothing comes up. I have stopped having sex with him because I don’t feel emotionally close to him anymore and that is MY criteria for sex now. I need to feel close emotionally and I don’t. For the first two years we had a lot of what is called, in affair terminology as hysterical, bonding sex, and some of it was good but also panic-filled for me and what I thought I had to do to “keep him in the marriage”. I’ve told him this. I felt I had to compete with her and what she offered. Now I have higher expectations for what our sex life should be like and, while I’ve met him on his expectations for more sex, he hasn’t met me on my need for more emotional closeness so we aren’t having sex. Part of me is worried about him going outside of marriage, but part of me doesn’t even care anymore if he seeks romance/sex out of it. How could it possibly hurt as much as the affair did- it can’t!!! How did you set the ground rules for this? You wrote you are fine w/him seeing others as long as you are both honest.
I have also done countless hours, weeks, months and years of self-work thru spiritual retreats, my own counseling, solo travel abroad and study for my profession abroad, post affair support groups for betrayed spouses and Al Anon and AA participation. I had not been drinking the last ten years of our almost 30 year marriage but I have come to identify as a dry drunk in AA talk. I’m now officially in program and doing well. I’ve done loads of inner work in Al Anon that has helped me put his addictive pulls (mostly to sex obviously) in perspective. My self esteem is so – so – better than it was for first two years but not super. I think living in loveless, not emotionally close, sexless, marriage post an affiar… is taking a toll on my MH health but I’m committed to seeing thru our second child’s HS years with us both here. I agree…if he wants to go…he can. I’m staying put. I spend time w/good women friends, I volunteer, I see family, I go to meetings and have a good spiritual life…but I am lonely too. I am NOT afraid to be alone and I really like my own company but the loneliness of an unfulfilling, not close relationship – even just as co-parents… is getting to me. Maybe I won’t last two more years. How long can you last? Are we kidding ourselves that we are doing our children/teens anything better by sticking it out?? I’m not sure how old your child is but as they grow up they even get more wrapped up in their own lives, as it should be, and their friends, activities, interests. Children are selfish and put themselves first…. can they see thru the charade of “staying for the kids”??? They do also want their parents happy – to the degree it helps their life stay stable – but staying just for them can backfire too. I just wonder more on your ability to sustain this arrangement because I wonder about my ability too!
Your last paragraph could be mine. Yes indeed…onwards and upwards. Thanks for being so honest and Peace to us all going thru this! (BTW, Shattered Wife – I’d love, just once, for you to reply to me… just 1x).
Be well all… MollyMagee
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Hello Molly, thank you for this heartfelt response. In between three young children and a full-time job, I don’t always get time to reply and am so grateful for your comment.
I’m now 5.5 years along and my experience is that it might get better, but even if it does, it’s only temporary. Like you, I no longer emotionally connect with my husband and haven’t had sex in months. Our connection has gone. Yet, we still live under the same roof, sleep in the same bed and spend money out of the same bank account. For how long is anybody’s guess. Life rolls on but I don’t love him the way I used to. Hugs to you. SWxo
DEAR SW…. I am just seeing you replied here… thanks. I really appreciate hearing from you if only briefly. I’m still working hard in Al Anon and therapy to recover from this end of my marriage as I knew for 26 years and this limbo land we are now in as married couple… not working on a new one. per se, with current spouse who cheated, but not separating or divorcing either… tho’ that seems more likely with each passing month and year. I’m here, for now, for my now teen son who is 16 and has a disability. I had some major ah-ha moments in last month or so I want to share but for another time. In the meantime, my mom got sick suddenly last fall and died ten weeks after her cancer diagnosis in December 2018 and that’s deeply influenced and affected where I am with all of this too surprisingly. I miss her terribly, truly beyond words, but I also feel freer to decide what to do about my marriage w/o the previous generation hovering, if only in my mind, over my decision. I don’t have to live up to any of the expectations of any aunts, uncles, parents, godparents because they are all gone now. No more buffer generation. I am the oldest generation in my family (at almost 57) except for cousins who are 10 to 15 years older. But I don’t have the same feeling of needing to live up to their expectations of me as a wife and mother that I did with previous generation born between 1920 and 1935. I don’t feel it from my in-laws because they were so awful to me three years ago when my spouse’s affair came out… that I basically cut them out of my life except for basic, necessities only contact. Rejection is truly God’s protection sometimes and their awful treatment of me, at the time, confirmed what I had been doubting about my own judgement for decades… and came to fine was actually true. I’d never be included in their tribe, so to speak. So that’s where I am tonight, unable to sleep, on the East coast of USA for now. I’m looking for a job for the fall in my field and trying to enjoy the summer with my son who will be leaving the nest (or at least leaving HS w/in two years) sooner than I want to believe. When that time comes, I will be able to make a better decision for what’s best for me. I can tell you that the longer this goes on… this limbo land… the less my considering ending the marriage has to do w/his affair (tho’ that was the earthquake, the tsunami… that started all this) and more about what I want my life to look like from age 60 (when it comes) onward. Do I want to spend the last portion of my life as older woman with my current husband, with any husband, in any relationship and in a relationship where I have to worry about infidelity happening again? I am asking all those questions. Be well. To all … be kind to yourself. This sucks even three years later. SW… I hope we’ll have a summer or end-of-summer 2019 post from you sometime soon. I, for one, miss your posts. Hope all is well w/you and yours… your children and all who you care about. Peace, MM
You are truly lovely, Mollymagee. I am asking myself all of the same questions you are asking. Do I want to spend the rest of my life unhappy with my husband? What do we have left to share? When he cheats on me again, what will I do? My children are still young and I don’t think splitting with my husband right now is the answer. If I am miserable, then so be it. But I don’t want my children unhappy, going between two homes. So I suffer in silence. I have no interest in my husband. Lots of hugs to you. SWxo
I focus on my mom and kids…
Focusing on something and someone else is a good thing – As is looking after yourself and making sure your needs are met.
I am 4 years + out from an abusive marriage. Abusive to the point that when i sat down and told my Psych Dr? She cried. I know the pain this brings, I know it all too well.
But I also know there is a sunny day ahead where this is all just a memory that pops up everynow and again and you get to brush it off and be thankful for the blessings in your life now.
My best wishes to you and your children for the future – It does get better and the sun does shine again. I promise.
Thank you for such a encouraging comment!!!
Chocoviv, honestly I went through hell. Absolute mind breaking hell on earth that left me homeless, living in a shelter and finally getting back to a normal apartment. She took 100% of my life from me in a psychotic game of ‘murder my husband slowly as it amuses me’ – And I promise you, after it all? I can smile. I do smile. It is like it was in the past so far away I cannot even get angry about t any longer.
It is really hard to explain, but I promise you it can and will get better. Our minds are super tough and can with our own directed thoughts? Get us to a better place where the sun shines once again.
Heck, I am just wrapping up the final read of a 9 book series. If you’d had said that even 6 years ago I’d had cried as I’d never had believed it because again and again all my stuff was destroyed.
Now? Heck i share book one in a PDF file to who ever wants to read it knowing full well there is no monster in my house to smash my stuff and leave me with nothing.
The sun does shine again. I promise.
When I was a teenager in high school, I use to come here and read your blog. I’ve always wondered how you’ve felt and prayed for your well being. I hoped to have never experienced this sort of pain. Now that I’m a little older and married myself, I can’t believe I’ve found myself in the exact same situation. My husband walked out on me after a year of marriage and I found out he cheated. There’s no way we’re coming back together. Now I understood the depths of your words and the everlasting wounds inflicted upon you cause now I too bear them. I didn’t want this but here I am.
I’m so sorry to hear that, Tinker Belle. It really is such a kick in the guts. How are you coping? SWxo
Shattered Wife…where are you? We miss your posts… well, I do. They are a life line. I hope this means all is well w/you and your children. Maybe you are writing a book from this mess? Hope you will. Let us know how you are with a fall 2019 post … pretty please. Peace to all going thru this. molly magee
Gosh, who’s got time to write a book? I have three children and work full-time! Honestly, Molly, I just don’t feel I have much worth left to say. I always do an anniversary update, which is only a few weeks away, so stay tuned. Thank you for your warm wishes and kind words. SWxo