I was driving to work last week, randomly flicking between radio stations and heard the following lyrics blast out of the speakers:

I want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, yeah
I want you to fuck up my nights, yeah
Fuck up my nights, yeah,
All of my nights, yeah

Oh my God, I thought.

That must have been me!

It was like I was parading around my husband wearing a sign on my forehead saying ‘I WANT YOU TO RUIN MY LIFE’.

Because, let’s face it, that’s exactly what happened.

Life ruined.

Mission accomplished.

And as for fucking up my nights, well, yeah.

My nights at the time were already pretty fucked, what with a newborn waking every few hours to feed.

To add to that sleep deprivation, I was now lying wide awake, asking myself ‘HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?’

Hello, insomnia and anxiety. Nice to meet you.

I wonder what my husband would have answered (pre D-Day) if I’d asked him, ‘What’s the best way you can think of to fuck up my life?’

Would he have said, “Cheat on you”?

“Have affairs”?

“Lie to you endlessly.”

I’m guessing probably not.

Because what ruined *my* life actually enhanced his (in his mind).

It’s so hard to shake the feelings of worthlessness and humiliation.

To be honest, I still feel those feelings from time to time.

You try to ‘move on’ but it’s always there.

That period of your life when he became someone else.

And you meant nothing to him.

And you wonder if any of your life together was ever real.

It still hurts.

I wish it didn’t, but it lingers.

PS The song is called ‘Ruin My Life’ by Zara Larsson. I’ve been playing it on Spotify over and over…

 

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