I was driving to work last week, randomly flicking between radio stations and heard the following lyrics blast out of the speakers:
I want you to ruin my life
You to ruin my life
You to ruin my life, yeah
I want you to fuck up my nights, yeah
Fuck up my nights, yeah,
All of my nights, yeah
Oh my God, I thought.
That must have been me!
It was like I was parading around my husband wearing a sign on my forehead saying ‘I WANT YOU TO RUIN MY LIFE’.
Because, let’s face it, that’s exactly what happened.
Life ruined.
Mission accomplished.
And as for fucking up my nights, well, yeah.
My nights at the time were already pretty fucked, what with a newborn waking every few hours to feed.
To add to that sleep deprivation, I was now lying wide awake, asking myself ‘HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?’
Hello, insomnia and anxiety. Nice to meet you.
I wonder what my husband would have answered (pre D-Day) if I’d asked him, ‘What’s the best way you can think of to fuck up my life?’
Would he have said, “Cheat on you”?
“Have affairs”?
“Lie to you endlessly.”
I’m guessing probably not.
Because what ruined *my* life actually enhanced his (in his mind).
It’s so hard to shake the feelings of worthlessness and humiliation.
To be honest, I still feel those feelings from time to time.
You try to ‘move on’ but it’s always there.
That period of your life when he became someone else.
And you meant nothing to him.
And you wonder if any of your life together was ever real.
It still hurts.
I wish it didn’t, but it lingers.
PS The song is called ‘Ruin My Life’ by Zara Larsson. I’ve been playing it on Spotify over and over…
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
I will check the song out and I want to send this to my husband I swear I just dont think he gets it…
But it just seems like wasted time to invest in thoughts and dreams he may never understand or be able to comprehend
SW, we’ll always have these feelings (of worthlessness, humiliation, and even anger) from time to time, it’s like a chronic ailment. 27 months past Dday, I’ve accepted that my husband had cheated (multiple times). For my kids, I choose to stay. Now, I can honestly say I’m mostly happy again. But when my monkey mind plays the scenes of him having sex with other women (yes, they were all recorded and I saw them,yikes!), my heart actually HURTS. So, yes, my mind’s fucked up & life’s ruined by these uncensored movies.
P- Esther Perel says it is death by a thousand cuts.
SW- I wonder how long these lingering feelings will last. I didn’t listen to music for years because of the strong relation between music and real life. I did listen to Walking with Spiders over and over when I ran. I remembering wondering how I could still possibly be breathing. I relive the days while the affair was happening- knowing something was not right but being so deceived that I could not put the pieces together.
You say one of your thoughts was what ruined your life enhanced his. Yes I can see that. I think they thought they were irresistible and deserving rather than the truth of being vile with no integrity.
I will never understand how someone can treat the person they love like we were expendable. After more than 3 1/2 years I’m still floored. It does feel like you have been hit by a car and left for dead on the side of the street. The car being driven by your own husband and his whore bitch. And all the while they are smiling amd holding hands while they did It. The husband becomes totally remorseful. He has now ruined his life. His wife will stay but never fully trust or love him. His kids have lost respect and see him as a huge disappointment. He realizes he threw away a family that loved him for a whore sixteen years younger than him , she’s in a bitter diviorce, broke with two small kids. He would have to give up everything and that was never his intention. He says It was the biggest mistake he ever made. I go bizerk and scream it was A choice that you made and because you wanted to screw someone else you wiped out all your families memories of you and ended their lives as they knew it. They no longer exist. Not to mention you ruined your career. Welcome to hell. But the other woman? She walks away from the car crash unscathed. And that is what pisses me off more than anything..
Taking back my life….I could have wrote everything you said here, I feel the same way and have said all of this at some point. Sending you love and hugs ❤️
Thank you BB-
I started reading your blog and I relate to it all.
I was thinking this morning that if I was the OW would I feel bad if my lover chose his wife over me? I mean it means they lost and we won right? But it actually doesn’t feel that way because what did I win? Well I guess I won the boobie prize. But am I the boobie? The humiliated loser who stayed with their cheating spouse?
Oh girl YES and Yes! I feel the same exact way! Something good has to come out of this for us! ❤️
Yes, welcome to hell. It will always be there I think. I’m 3 1/2 years from DDay with a husband who tries hard to make things better. However, he can’t ” unbetray ” me. That’s it. I am trying to live my life positively but at times I really think it is too hard and wish I had left. Now I feel that even that horse has bolted! I have chosen now and I need to do the best I can for me with where I am. The marriage is very much secondary to finding meaning in my own life. Strength to all.
Kate. Xx
Yes! The marriage is secondary. That is it exactly. And I too wish sometimes I had just left. I just spent yesterday experiencing a day that gives me huge anxiety now ( he spent the day with her watching the Super Bowl in 2015) and it really makes me wonder why the hell am I still here? Is this my life wondering if they had sex during the halftime show? Wondering what Super Bowl snacks they ate? Just how thrilled they were to be together… I apologize I’m bitter and I swear to God I could have crammed the chicken wings down his throat yesterday. And the sad thing he was great yesterday. He knew how I felt. Did all the right things. But still. It’s always but still.
I feel and see your pain so vividly.
Sending you my deepest and most heartfelt wishes & prayers – I’m so sorry your pain still causes you so much grief. You know, if I could wash it all away for all who suffer this? I would in a heart beat.
It’s worse than losing a loved one. At least death has closure – this shit however just keeps rearing its ugly head because those who killed us, those that forever changed us in terrible dark ways, are alive and telling us they care.
Hugs from the other side of the globe xxxx
I have never figured out how some women can ‘forgive & forget’, say his affair made the marriage stronger. My husband’s (unadmitted to) affair with a co-worker was 34 years ago. We got past it but it took time. We’re celebrating 41 yrs of marriage this year but every now and then something will remind me of that time in our lives. I got over the feelings of humiliation, low self-esteem, abandonment. I created an active, friend-filled life with my kids that we didn’t want to share with him. (He was home so infrequently that the kids had become used to his absence. At one point they didn’t like it when he was home for a weekend because he screwed up the routines we had.) I developed a “whatever” attitude towards him. If he wanted someone else, he was welcome to go. I’d always refused to let him get a motorcycle because I was scared he get killed. Post affair I said “It’s your life. Make sure we have $2M in life insurance.” (He got the bike. Promptly got hit by a driver who was in the wrong🙄). He figured out pretty quickly he wanted to be involved in our life.
But feelings of resentment and even rage followed me for many years. Now when I think about that time it just makes me sad. That he didn’t care about me enough to try to talk to me before he went outside the marriage. That the kids and I have many wonderful memories that he isn’t a part of…
I mentioned the woman’s name the other day and had to remind him who she was. And he doesn’t have Alzheimer’s. The whole thing wasn’t important enough for him to remember. But I remember so many details.
I’ve wondered if some if some people have different levels or expectations of love and marriage.
Hello GDG. My situation is a bit like yours in as much as we have been married many
years but the infidelity took place many years ago. I found out about it 3.5 years ago and have been blindsided and almost destroyed. He continued to work with the woman for many years. It explains a lot about our life together and about his behaviour towards me. There have been 2 ” lesser ” things over the years which I forgave but would not have done had I known about the initial infidelity.
Could I ask you if you now regret staying with your husband? Forgiveness doesn’t seem like something I can do. Accept is what I’m aiming for. BUT is it worth it as I’ll never forget as I feel he stole my life in not telling me at the time.
Kate xx
The a
I could have wrote your words. I don’t think people have necessarily different levels of expectations of love and marriage but rather some people lack integrity. Under their skin there is a selfishness and sense of entitlement.
I can’t believe that because my husband chose to have an affair ( with a coworker of course) I will spend the rest of my life with that memory. I hate him for it. Yes, I choose to stay but there is something missing. There are good times but always there is a hint of sadness.
It took me a few years after affair to realize there was something missing from my feelings for him. Before, we were best friends, lovers, partners in everything. When some asked who I would want to do various activities – shopping, hiking, roadtrip… it was always H, not even very close friends or family. Because of his job we moved 7 times in first 9 yrs, hopscotching from state to state. But the changes and potential challenges didn’t worry me because we were together and I had complete trust that he would be there. His love was like a security blanket.
After affair I felt very alone in the world, that out there in our universe my only connection now was my parents’ love.
After 41 yrs there is still something missing. I don’t allow my self to be as vulnerable with him, making sex less intimate (couldn’t be as open, couldn’t let my real emotions be seen – think I feared he was comparing she and me).
For a few years after I couldn’t stop thinking his penis was tainted. I kept picturing him with her and then coming home and being in me. I was so disgusted. Told him if he ever wanted to have sex or get a blow job he had to boil his penis in boiling water for 3 min to strerilize it.
Obviously he didn’t and our life went from 1 or. 2 times a day to nothing for almost a year. Before – I was willing to try anything during sex if he (or I) wanted to. After – felt too self-conscious, wondering if he ever talked to her about our sex life. And any time he had a new ‘move’ I wondered if he learned it from her. For me, cheating ruined our sex life. Now I’m still ‘in my head’, not 100% there.
What stuns me is that they throw away their current life (because it will be gone when he’s discovered), put this OW above his children and wife. And then they tell us “She’s no one”, “She meant nothing to me” (but it meant everything to his wife).
I don’t know if other men are like my H. 30 yrs on he didn’t even recognize her name. I remember everything – details like where I was and what I was wearing when what he refused to say told me he was having an affsir.
It’s amazing what we remember and they forget. And yes, one of the things I often wondered about (before I discovered his cheating) was “where did he get that amazing new move from??”.They say that’s one of the first signs. But I missed it. SWxo
GoneDoggyGone….I’m 14 years in. I’m really struggling lately. Part of my issue is one of the reasons we only have one child is due to his obsession with the bitch he had an emotional affair with (I discovered it right before they had plans to make it physical…she lived out of town and they had plans to go to a meeting together and sleep together…I interfered by getting my mother to babysit our toddler and go with him..that’s when I found out…that meeting is coming up again (and I’m going with him…he asked me to go this time though) He has been contrite, swears there is no one else out there for him, swears I have nothing to worry about, swears he was just flattered, swears it will never happen again, swears…..but I still have a hard time trusting him. How on earth did you get to the “I don’t care” stage because I’d love to get there. We only have one child because my husband was so enamored with the bitch he did not do what was needed for artificial insemination back during his affair, then when I found out about it I was too devastated to continue the treatments, then he got cancer, then we were too old….I completely blame him. I’d really, really love to not care…..any advice you (or anyone else) can give is greatly appreciated.
I’m so saddened by all these comments, it looks like there is never a time where it all goes away, I’m three years after D Day really don’t want to be 30 years down the line and still have these feelings, why do we stay? I don’t why I’m still here, I have moments where I feel love towards him and I see my ‘before cheating husband’ but it’s few and far between the cheating bastard I look at most days
I thought the same thing when I read the comments from Tshattered. There is a pattern of thoughts and feelings here. I think if I wasn’t 35 years into this marriage and if I was much younger it would have been better to leave. But at my age and the few years I have before retirement age I’m screwed.
Some how I have to move past this for my own sanity. I don’t know how but I have to. It’s incredibly difficult for me be with him and love him so much less than I did. I’m hoping the decrease in love I have for him increase the room for me to love myself more. I just have to find a place for the hate and disappointment.
I am so sorry for all of us out there. Be kind to yourselves.
I feel for you. And I remember getting all worked up until I felt sick every time he was away on business, which was at least 3 weeks a month (He handled govt affairs for a Fortune 500 (top 10). And his job had a lot of parties, fun excursions by wichever group was sucking up to him (and all the other attys and lobbyists that had been invited. They went whale watching, sporting events, Broadway shows, Indy 500, ‘balls’ at embassies. So many opportunities to meet someone. He promised to call every night and I’d sit by the phone watching the clock as it got later and later. Nights when I didn’t get a call by midnight I’d call the hotel and leave messages. The next day he’d call and say things like “We all went to Bourbon St (New Orleans) and I lost track of time”. It was making me ill being so stressed. Got shingles and my Lyme disease got so bad my joints were practically paralyzed. That was when I began to let go of all those feelings I had pre-affair. I found a lot of friends from work and from my kids’ activities. Even when they were under 10 we traveled to horse shows and hockey games. Like long trips, all over the country. I don’t know if there are any tighter groups than horse show moms and hockey parents. Staying in hotels, eating out as a group. Socialing at horse shows in the hospitality tent over wine and buffets or sitting in the barn aisles outside our own ‘hospitality suite’ (just a show stall made up with cloth drapes, tables with food and drinks).
There were so many times whe H was home for dinner and the kids and I were talking about people, winning or losing, memories from other cities, and H hadn’t a clue. It really hit him that he was missing so much. He’d been gone so often that I learned that I didn’t need him. I even handled the rattle snake in my kitchen by myself (tho my first thought as I held my dog back was “I nerd to call Dad” ( I was in VA, he was in NJ). And I knew, financially I didn’t need him, between my salary and my Dad, who would always support me & kids.
Over time I realized we were together because I still loved him, if he fucked up again I could go easily. And the kids were… uncomfortable is probably the best word, when he was home. And he figured out how close he was to losing me and the kids. Felt empowered by my ability to do everything by myself.
Until one day I realized while I loved H, I didn’t really care what he did. As long as the kids and I would be financially secure. And if he cheated again kids and I were gone and after my lawyers got done with him he’d be living in a cardboard box.
30 yrs after affair and we’re almost best friends again, he shows me that he loves me often with little actions (and big – when I was in hospital for 28 days-13 in ICU and mostly unconscious – he made the 4 hr round trip drive twice a day to sit beside me. (Had to go home to deal with my 6 dogs) And when I went home he learned how to give me my IV meds 5x a day.) Did you nurse your husband thru his cancer?
I don’t know if it helped not knowing any details about the affair since he never admitted it existed.
My opinion now is that if he wants some other woman, she can have him. Even at my age, ‘there are still lots of fish in the sea’. I won’t have to be alone for the rest of my life.
Why are we all still married? I just wonder… why? To the person who cheated. We may have forgiven but will never forget. Or we may forget and not forgive or we may love them truly but why?? We do we stay with the guy/gal who cheated on us.. if these feelings linger for so long… divorce seems so much better. It will be four years this spring they started up, three years this July I found out, 2 1/2 years since they ended it. In that time, my mom has died; our daughter married her wife (thank you God she’s married to a woman!) and is doing better w/her cancer treatment and my then 13 year old son on autism spectrum is now a young man of 16 and very different guy. I just wonder… is divorce better? Not to hurt my husband… I can never hurt him the way he hurt me… not even by asking for a divorce. That’s honest. Not to get revenge. Not to make his lousy AP see what she did (yes, they walk away “unscathed” but she still has a fat ass and horrible dressing style and is a nobody) by hurting and trying to destroy my family… but just to get ME. Me back. The me before all this. The me besides all this. The me that could be someone who grows old and older with peace. I don’t see him as an awful person anymore… I just don’t see us as an US anymore. Why stay and have essentially separate lives?
For the kids is not enough. They grow up and cease to live their days centered around us… sorry for reality check moms of little ones driving you bonkers up all night and with their neediness, but they do. My 28 and my 16 year old are their own people. They don’t orbit around you like they do when they are young. You are very important to their life but not vital for survival anymore and not even for all their security. Staying for the in-laws is not enough. Staying for your own parents is not enough. (well, both of mine are dead now) Staying because you are used to the guy and are afraid of who is and is not out there is not enough. Staying for our reputation or convenience or even financial means is not even enough. I’d rather be broke and camp 2 weeks in summer for vk than not be content w/my husband.
That’s what I seek… contentment w/myself. And when I think of them… I don’t have that. These are my musings post V-day… you can see my post there. Shattered… I’d love to hear from you. I hate feeling torn up inside, on my worst days, still 3 years later. I don’t think my marriage is better, the sex that was frequent and frantic post affair coming out has diminished again, I know my husband knows how to seek out attention elsewhere and can be tempted to do so even if he swears he won’t…and I know how insecure he is and I don’t think I can fill that void in him… which leaves him vulnerable to cheating again. So be til. Til my son’s HS graduation, I’m here. After that, who knows? Thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas? Shared experiences? Peace to all who know one week or one month or one year and more…this just stinks. xomm
Good questions. Really makes you think. I suppose I stayed because when affair ended we were moving (he’d gotten another transfer, leaving AP 1000 miles away anyway), I had a new baby, who required most of my time and attention so I didn’t have time to think about him.
I’m there too!!! 25 years down the tubes, 2 beautiful, perfect girls. Then she showed up to take my husband away and give up her family. I don’t get how you lose all you work for in a night and every moral, piece of self esteem, honor and dignity that I loved about him