Tags
affair, cunts, five years, husband, infidelity, love, wife
I know I haven’t written much this year.
I haven’t felt I had much to say, to be honest.
Life has slowly rolled along. We bought a new place. We moved. Work was the same old, same old.
Then November came around.
Five years since D-Day.
And I just fucking lost it.
I just felt myself being angry all of the time.
REALLY ANGRY.
I took out on husband because –> cheater.
As justified as it feels taking it out on the whores they fucked around with, the sad truth is that it all sits with them.
They made the decision to cheat.
Real men don’t cheat.
But these cunts we ended up with, for better or for worse, fucked us over for something they felt they weren’t getting in the marriage.
Needy little boys having tantrums. “I deserve it.” “I only live once.” Whatever they tell themselves to justify an affair sounds outwardly pathetic to the screwed-over wife.
So I found myself snapping at my husband in a way that even surprised me.
Gosh, I turned into the bitch from hell.
That eventually eased and I even found myself feeling a bit sorry for him having to cop all this shit from me.
But he told me he understood where the hate was coming from and he sucked it up.
So here we are, living in our new house, with unpacked boxes still everywhere, and three kids causing constant havoc!
Aside from the tirade the annual November anniversary still sets off in me, we’ve actually been OK.
We still sleep together, have sex (when we’re not exhausted), go out, and try to enjoy life.
I’m not oblivious to the fact that most men who cheat once will likely cheat again in the future, so I do think about that a fair bit.
What will I do next time?
Who the fuck knows.
All I know is that for now, we’re progressing OK – not fabulously – but OK.
I can live with that.
Five years sounds like a long time, but I only have to think about that night where I discovered those life-altering messages on his phone, and I’m thrown back to 2013 and the nightmare begins again.
I practice mindfulness to keep me in the present and that’s been my saving grace.
Or I head outside and jump on the trampoline for 10 minutes and feel the wind in my hair and the exhilaration of flying up.
The aftermath of an affair never leaves you.
But I’ve found a way to move past it and not let it dominate my day-to-day thoughts.
I wish the same for you.
SWxo
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
“As justified as it feels taking it out on the whores they fucked around with, the sad truth is that it all sits with them.
They made the decision to cheat.”
Almost 5 years for me, too. It took me two years to wrap my head around the fact that he was more to blame than her.
Thank you for sharing.
I realize that you are pissed and angry but don’t lump all men together- women cheat just as much if not more – I know from experience- it’s been four years after and the pain, anger and resentment are still there – every year our wedding anniversary marks the anniversary of her affair – and the pain is reignited-
I write only of my experience.
You are correct. And I’m sorry you are going through this. It does not matter if you are a man or a woman. The aftermath is horrible.
SW- I couldn’t had said it any better. It has been 4.5 years for me and I’m in the exact same place as you. I have so much hatred toward that white trash skanky cunt whore. Her husband said to mine, “this is not the first time she has done this and I’m sure it won’t be the last.” Now that is pretty sad and pathetic. How do these whores get away with this and worst yet how can they even look at themselves in the mirror every single day knowing they destroyed a person (betrayed wife), a marriage and a family? Yes, it is just as much as my husband’s fault however, that cunt would not stop pursuing my husband. I still suffer every day from the trauma and wonder why I continue to stay??
Take care SW and I was so happy to see your post.
Its been about 11 years since I found out. I feel like a marriage surviving infidelity takes a very specific formula. We are all different as far as what exactly we need, but whatever that is must be provided. My husband seems to be trying hard now, but for many years that was not the case. I ended up with PTSD because of it. He may not have cheated again, but he proceeded to be dishonest. Apparently what I needed to heal, he thought was ridiculous and so he hid things from me and he was also very nasty many times. Much like a child would react when there are consequences for their actions. It’s sad really. I took stock.of myself post affair and took accountability for how I contributed to the state of our marriage, while of course taking zero accountability for his affair. He had other options then to destroy me in that way. Whole I was working hard in myself he was not. He just could not understand, or didnt bother to. Either way has the same affect on me. Now he is trying and he has been I therapy, I just dont know if it can ever be repaired. So much damage, so many years I lived in mental torture. My therapy has been very helpful. I am starting a new career and seeing how things go. If only people knew the toll their actions would take on another human.
Mel, I read this and wanted to give you a great big hug.
I have PTSD from the abuse I suffered at the hands of a narcissistic psychotic woman and it near killed me.
So, for you? A great big hug for being so brave and strong. You get up, you work on yourself, you go out and do things. That’s iron will right there.
My best wishes and a big hug.
Ian
Thank you. Hugs back at ya. Hopefully in the end we all get what we deserve.
SW, I appreciate that you still come back occasionally with updates. It’s good to know you’re doing OK 🙂 I hope life continues to get better and better for you.
It’s 3+ years for me. So many of the bloggers that were a huge part of my support system in those early days no longer have blogs. I often wonder about them and how they are doing now. You were one of those that gave me strength and wisdom when I needed it. 🙏
I stuck it out, and I suppose I’ll continue to do so, as long as he keeps working on himself, too. Still, I wonder if there will be a day when I don’t stop and ask myself what life would be like if I hadn’t stayed?
☀️
Good to hear from you. And if you haven’t read my updated blog, IMO NEVER let your guard down. I’m not saying live in the past, that will only ruin your present. But I forgave & rebuilt trust. I let my guard down, I again swore she would never hurt me in that manner again & 4 years later she did it again. I realize my encounter with infidelity is different as most are not the same, there was no sex but she again emotionally checked out from us without a hitch and was already talking inappropriately to yet another co-worker.
You have every right to face those demons no matter how they come out. And I will say, good for him for taking it well. They create these messes, they have to deal with the aftermath.
I wish you all the luck in love & healing♥
Thank you SW for sharing. I too will be 5 years out 1/20. I still do not love my husband the way I should and I certainly do not trust him. As just like chameleon18 he had a complete sexual and emotional affair that I discovered 1/20/14, he then began speaking to a women on the phone more than necessary in 8/2016 and another 2017. He swore these were nothing and it stopped immediately. They were both women from his workplace. I have PTSD from his first affair and this time of year is awful for me. This quote says it all for me, “I let down my walls for you, but you only made me remember why I built them so hight.” I really feel like I just exist. I still feel and allow myself to feel very little. It helps me to hear from you and keeps me hopeful.
Thank you – xoxo scarred4ever
Why DO we stay? After so many years of mine not taking accountability, not understanding what it takes to rebuild the trust. I feel like I’ve lost so many years of my life being in pain and suffering from.PTSD. He is trying hard right now. I have changed and am working on myself. Starting s new career and not putting my whole existence on the marriage. Let’s hope we can all find the happiness in life that we so deserve.
Oh Shattered you’ve been missed! I’m sorry about November but look how far you have come ❤️❤️ you are amazing and i am glad he let you be hurt and evil.
What they did is hard on the soul and mind and like you I’m so glad it doesn’t consume me anymore like is has in the past
Glad for the update you rock!!
My former friend had an affair recently, and he asked me to cover for him with his wife. His wife came up to me, and asked me to my face if xxxx was with me on a specific night. Know what I said?
“No. He wasn’t. He asked me to lie to you after all you have done to help me out after I was homeless.”
Her and I remain good, great friends. Her now ex husband is living with his mum.
I suffered years of depression, fought back to happiness and I will never aid, abet or cover for a cheater. They’re worse than scum for the sheer amount of pain they will unleash and absolutely don’t give a fuck about.
But hey, me? I’m all loved up and got married again. Yeah, me, angry sad betrayed me. Back to the light and warmth of bliss.
She is wild though and keeps me on my toes with her utter madness that shines from her eyes & you know what? I needed this. I needed this wild woman. She needed unconditional love, and in return she set me free
Ian, that is so wonderful to hear, congratulations! Sounds like she is exactly what you needed. SWxo
Thank you! I’ve not felt this alive in decades.
It’s a whole new zest and totally transformed me. I grab every opportunity, go places, meet new people and grow every day.
In a funny way, I’m grateful that life took me through a crucible so I could step out and feel this amazing energy and be so utterly grateful for it.
In return, I sleep out under the stars with her, swim in the rivers, forage berries and eat wild caught food. And the irony is? I first did all this when I was single before my first marriage. It’s like I was purified back to who I was always supposed to be.
I hit the 4 year mark in September. It’s the first year we acknowledged our anniversary since Dday. Wasn’t without triggers. But progress. I’m in same place. We are not great. OK. Sometimes I’m good with that and sometimes I’m not.
Staying in the present is all we really have.
I almost made it to 3 years. Then 2nd d day came. Keep on jumping on the trampoline. I need to get me one.
Oh no, a second D-Day? What happened? Hugs to you. SWxo
Thank you for the hugs. The second D Day is for many different reasons. You can read my story (short form) at https://lauren-beth.blog/my-infidelity-story/
3 years here. His OW was a local mother who’s children are in my children’s classrooms, on my children’s teams, she is homeroom mom for my DD this year so she emails me weekly about classroom happenings and controls if I get to participate in said happenings. I have to be polite and downright cheery when I see her because a. She controls my level of participation in DDs room. And b. She knows I will do anything to keep this from getting to the rumor mill because I want to protect my and her children from finding out what their parents did. That is my cross to bare. To keep their nasty little secret not to protect them, lord knows I would shout their evil deeds from the mountain tops, but to protect our sweet children from being water cooler fodder and social lepers. And tonight through text because I am working the night shift. He tells me its been 4 years (3 don’t you dare think I can’t count) and I need to get over it. That he is tired of me being sad and hurt about it still. That he is tired of me telling him pictures she posts from when they were together or seeing her still are triggers for me. That I am choosing to remember and to constantly keep rehashing things and asking him for time and space to heal. That I am making excuses to stay hurt by this. He was with her for 2 years while I was pregnant and nursing a very sick newborn. After 15 years together, yes, I’m still hurt and I don’t ask for these memories, they punch me in the face like an MMA fighter. I was mind fucked 3 years ago and I am still a shattered wife who can’t quite seem to find all the pieces to put herself back together….why DO we stay?
I am so sorry that happened to you, Crxytrn. My husband went through the same thing as a child. His father had an affair with the mother of a girl in his class, and the two of them ended up running off together, splitting two families apart in the process. (They’re still married, 35 years later.) The whole thing sickens me. What my husband learned about cheating, he learned from watching his old man.
After the affair came to light, his mother took him and his little sister and left that town. She couldn’t stay, it would have killed her.
Three years is way too soon to be “over it”. Your husband is not demonstrating remorse or empathy. And you have to still deal with that cunt, that’s just unbelievable!
We stay because we want our children to have stability and not grow up being shared between parents. They come first, as far as I’m concerned.
Hugs. SWxo
Yes, they are my WHY…but i am slowly losing myself…
It’s now been almost 13 years since I found out about my husbands emotional affair (he swears it was never physical). I still hurt, I still feel as if I’m living in an alternate reality, I’m still super angry. I keep thinking I’ll get over it and move on….but I don’t. He has apologized. He read the article http://affaircare.com/articles/understanding-your-loyal-spouse/ and said it helped him understand somewhat. After reading it, he confessed that it almost went physical. There were plans to make it physical on a work trip, but I ended up going with him on that trip. He said he was so nervous during that trip that he decided to end it with her (but not until after WE WENT OUT TO EAT AT MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT WITH HER). I can’t fathom that he and she sat at the same dinner table with me together…letting me ramble on…how humiliating. He did end it, sort of, they communicated for another year, but he swears the “affair” was over. He finally cut her off completely, after reading the article and after realizing that even years later I was still devastated. Even then, she sent him an email…he replied, but copied me in it. As far as I know she hasn’t contacted him since. That was three years ago.
I still don’t trust him. I still despise what he did to our marriage…it started when our son was one and we were starting fertility treatments for a second one….we never had a second child, he did not do what he should have for the fertility treatments. I blame that on his affair…he was too invested in her, so we didn’t have a second child. Again, I’ll never forgive him.
How do I continue to live like this? Will the hate and anger ever ebb?
Hello tshattered, I’m so sorry to hear the pain is still there after 13 years. That’s a very long time. For what it’s worth, I think it’s probably because it’s so closely intertwined with that second child you wanted so badly. Here’s my question: why have you stayed with him? Hugs to you. SWxo
I agree…I think it’s associated with not getting pregnant again. Why have I stayed? At the beginning I was too devastated to think straight, and our child was so young. Also, I had stopped working because we agreed I’d stay at home. Now, I’m back to working, but scared of being on my own due to financial reasons. Since I stayed at home with our son, I lost a considerable amount of retirement and income. I live in a state that doesn’t necessarily split assets 50/50 and he has almost all the retirement. Also, his income is twice as much as mine. So…I’m scared to divorce him.
Our life isn’t bad….I don’t believe I’ve been “in love” with him for quite a while. However, I carry so much anger I know it’s not good for me….I had a heart attack at 51 (3 years ago). A mild one, but still a heart attack. I told him I was certain it was due to stress (well, and family history). I was constantly “on guard” because I really don’t trust him. He does feel bad about that, and has written me letters trying to ease my distress and let me know that I am the “only” one for him. But he lied all those years ago…he lied and he crushed my whole world. He could just as easily lie again.
I’ll never be able to trust him…..he killed that trust a long time ago.
So 4 years ago (not three like I had thought) the bitch tried to friend my husband for the gazillionth time on fb so I my requested that he blocked her. That was 4 years ago on the 16th of January. Thus, the trigger. It’s really made me think and try to put things into perspective. We were married in 1998 after 7 years of dating, 4 of living together. Less than a year into our marriage I discovered an account on Adult Friend Finder….looking for a discrete meeting with someone that appreciates bondage. He was mortified. He swears he only composed the message, but never sent it. He closed down the account. He’s always had a porn problem, but he said it wasn’t any worse than any “other guy”. We got over that. Then, after fertility treatments I got pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy just four years after we were married. Our doctor suggested we try again a year after his birth. So a year later we were trying and then he went to a teacher workshop he leads every summer. He came back very happy with the meeting but wasn’t too keen on going to see the fertility doctor. A few appointments were cancelled. I did all my stuff, having tubes flushed….I remember he didn’t ever come with me to that, he had something to do, now I wonder if it was with her? He continued to withdraw…picking fights, starting arguments, constantly criticizing my attitude. Little did I know he was fixated on the bitch. She saw him as her “knight in shining white armor”…He could come fix all her problems…and he apparently thought he could. Meanwhile, his witch of a wife was trying to get his sperm analyzed to confirm that was the issue..he wanted nothing to do with it. Cause the thought that it was his problem was too much for the little white knight to handle. It became too hard…the next step was artificial insemination and he balked at that. He said “let’s take a break”…well we were pushing 40, it couldn’t be much of a break. In the meantime he was talking to her (no text then) and meeting her for “dinners”. I was trying to save money since I wasn’t working yet he was out spending it on her. After about a year and a half I still had no clue. He had a meeting coming up in New Orleans and I asked my mom if she could watch our now 21/2 year old so I could go with Dave on his trip. I knew things hadn’t been right and thought this would be good for us. He went nuts….He was so angry…How dare I plan his time at his meeting for him, he already had stuff organized, he’d be working and not have time to take care of me….on and on. I calmly reminded him we work in the same field, I know all these folks, you don’t have to entertain me, I ‘m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I just thought it would be nice and romantic…our first trip away from the baby (now toddler)…He finally acquiesced but didn’t seem so happy about it. I still didn’t know it at the time, but she was going. They had planned trips to the aquarium, to dinner, to possibly share a bed for the first time. And here I was throwing a big old wrench into their plans. I do wonder what that first conversation was like…after she found out I was coming. I went down there with him, the hotel gave us a very nice room (I explained it was the first time away from the child), and the sex was awesome…I thought, at the time, what a great idea this had been. Later , when I found out about the affair and that she was there I wonder…was that sex to try and keep me satisfied and not suspicious? He fessed up after D day and said he was terrified the whole time and decided to end it. They met up one more time, she told him she wanted more and he said he couldn’t give it to her. He kissed her (he says like his sister) and, according to him, never saw her again. They did continue to email occasionally and after I found an email he said he got so scared he gave himself shingles worrying. (he did develop a horrible case of shingles…) He knew I’d leave him if I found out and that terrified him. Well, I found out a bit later…I found a card she’d given him, some photos (dressed) he’d had of her and some emails. He didn’t want to admit she was more than a friend at first….but then broke down and confessed. He swears she pursued him and he was flattered by the attention. Please note this was barely FIVE years into our marriage. Year One, Adult Friend Finder….Year 5 of our marriage he’s having an emotional affair and year 6 working on making it physical.(until I crashed the party)
Since year 7, when I found out, it’s been awful ups and downs. Devastating moments in the middle of a store when I suddenly find that I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe because “O my god, my husband cheated on me”. Moments when I want to go into a corner and die. Moments where I can’t get out of bed. I can’t eat.
Now things are a bit better. He has tried to understand. He’s read articles, he’s written me letters telling me I’m his only love. He’s asked for me to trust him, because he has eyes for no one else. He was a flirt, he has since stopped flirting. He tries very hard to please me in sex. But none of it makes me happy anymore. I never started trusting him again…I think about what a good liar he was and wonder if he is not doing it now?
So the trigger this time.a date….Jan. 16, when she sent him that last friend request and I had to ask him to block her (why didn’t he just do that on his own?)…it started me thinking about the whole thing. This led to her emailing him. He didn’t exactly shut her down in the email the way I would have wanted…but he told her his family was happy an healthy and he copied me prominently in the email so she would see. Course she replied and didn’t copy me. As far as I know, that was the last contact…and that was 4 years ago. Since then there have been photos he’s taken secretly of other women…they didn’t know…at meetings and tried to hide them from me. We’ve argued about how disrespectful that is to them and to me. He does write me letters from time to time, telling me what an idiot he was so long ago and that I am the only love in his life. So why can’t I trust again? I want to, but I’m so afraid to.
Again, so sorry for the diatribe. This is the first time I’ve shared all with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t share…I need some feedback, good or bad. I need to know that others have gone through this and that I’m not crazy. I’m now looking to my 21st anniversary…and I have to say, not much into celebrating either. Dave gets it, but we still celebrate because of our son. I’m 54, and I feel like the majority of my marriage has been so painful….I feel like I had 4 good years, then years 5 and 6 were total lies. Year 7 -21 were built on those lies so they really mean nothing. How depressing…..
Thank you for this.
I’m at the beginning. I don’t think I have the energy to reconcile. I’m not sure he’s worth it….
Thanks, Ainsobriety. I still have good days and bad. Today was not a good day. Maybe I’ll blog about it later.
In any case, I suspected you were at the beginning, judging by the number of my posts you read today.
Do you feel like talking about it? How long was the affair? How did you discover it? Sending you hugs from Down Under. SWxo
My 13 year old daughter found the texts. She told me.
Nov 21.
It had been a mostly sexual relationship. The texting started. Month earlier. Sex just the week before.
H was travelling for work.
He has moved out, but we are civil. We work together too.
He is very remorseful. Does not know what to do, and so is doing nothing.
It’s making me mad and suspicious. But I think this was the only affair. He was caught pretty quickly.
I love him, but hate him. Plus, the kids are betrayed and angry
From my experience I would say that if you have the means to get out just do it. I hate to say that, and maybe I am projecting. I am still here 15 years later and I feel like I wasted my life. So much pain for so long. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am sending lots of love and strength your way. I am not saying by the way that it is impossible in all situations to heal and rebuild a string marriage. He would have to by on board 100% with what you need to make that happen though. Whatever you need, for however long you need it.
Thank you for that honesty.
This is pretty depressing to read because it’s so brutally honest too, so I commend you, as usual. Maybe it’s my current state of mind affecting how I read this but it reads as resigned not happy and joyful in your marriage given what went down. I say this with no judgement as I’m very much the same way. I”m 2 1/2 years from DDay and almost four years from when his affair started. I found out 15 months into it and it ended around 18 to 19 months. We had a middle school child at time (on autism spectrum, a son) and a young adult daughter (married to her wife now and working full time as a teacher). Time goes by. Work has been done personally and together and in couple’s therapy – some useful; some not so much. My mom was diagnosed with cancer suddenly this past fall and died in less than 3 months. I’m grieving her intensely – ours was not a perfect mother-daughter relationship but what one is? She was still my mom and we adored each other. She was my sounding board and confidant during the worst moments of the affair’s aftermath. She didn’t always agree with how I was handling things but she loved me like only a mom can. I miss her so. Now the post affair life with my husband (who I’ve stayed with mostly to keep my son’s life stable til he’s now thru HS and due to his disability and for financial stability during my “recovery”) is affected by my grieving and the loss of my last living parent… my father and step father died years ago. I’ve also lost all the older generation… now I’m the older generation at age 56. It’s so strange to be part of this awful “club” that’s been around me my whole life – those w/o their moms or without both parents… the people who made us here on Earth with us. I feel orphaned even though I’m an adult and a mom myself. My parents weren’t perfect (who is?) but they were MY not perfect parents…. especially my mom… we were very, very close. I am so very lonely without a parent, especially my mom, here to parent me even as adult; I still needed that from time to time. When my mom was diagnosed I tried not to lean on my husband too much. Why? Because he was having his affair while our own young adult daughter was being treated for the same cancer my mom had: Melanoma. She thankfully is alive and doing well but it was very touch and go. And no, this was not some affair that started from her having the cancer and his fears of losing her; there’s theories about that but this isn’t the case. This affair started a full five to six months before her diagnosis and continued on right through and her start to treatment. Nice, huh? And his AP knew our daughter had cancer and we had a disabled son. What a pair they were. I didn’t want to lean on my husband this time, like I did when our daughter was sick, because I now know that even cancer didn’t keep him loyal to me and us. And let me tell you… I was one kick ass strong mom and wife (despite my fears) for him and my daughter and family while went through that. We were both terrified and I had never felt closer to him in our marriage as we shared our fears about our daughter and supported her and her then fiance. But while I was thinking we were so close and such a great team, he was having a full blown emotional affair for months and months. And then when our daughter started treatment and was doing so well and we could breathe a bit easier … just as a final blow…they got together and had a 3 day fuck fest. There are no words. Before my mom getting sick (and becoming her full time care giver) and then her recent death, I had made a lot of personal progress – joined Al Anon (a lot of my reaction to his affair was from the perspective of being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic) and have worked my ass of in therapy using CBT and more. What can I say? I’ve worked mentally and spiritually to move on and not focus on what he did to hurt me, our family, himself and us. But when news of Amazon a-hole came out on Bezo leaving his wife of 25 years, who knew him and loved him and gave him support when he was a young geek, for some nit wit boob job, all the old feelings come bubbling to the surface. I feel all the anger again. He feels wanted and loved because she rubs his bald head and he texts her like a teen boy with content at about grade 7 flirting. I only can home that one day Sanchez is flying one of her helicopters with him in it and they crash together. Enough said? All my anger and resentment that I feel I’ve made such progress with … comes right back. So there you have it… I’m here in the marriage til our son is launched out high school years. Til then, I can’t tell if I’m here mostly for him or for me and my husband. I feel too swayed to give him what I didn’t have growing up… a stable. predictable home with no divorces, etc. But who am I kidding…our son probably (yes definitely) senses the tension still and lack of peace. And that’s what I read between the lines here- you are doing the right thing for your kids but is it right for you? I feel the same. But do you feel peaceful? I don’t. And not accepted and wanted solely by my husband… i knew he had my replacement lined up. I can’t shake that. Bottom line, nothing is the same and no… it hasn’t made our marriage stronger and better even if there was sex again and we are under the same roof. We shall see… time will tell. For now, just focusing on missing my dear mom who is out of her Earthly pain. Go hug your mom or dad if they are still around and tell them you love them. That’s all I can say… you never know when their last day is or yours. Live today like it is! Peace. MM
I’m 3 years since D day and I feel like leaving, I just can’t come to terms that he cheated on me and our 4 children who adored him, they have no respect for him now nor do I, I love him and hate him all at the same time and really don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. Knowing he had someone else that he had sex with, had date nights with and laughed and discussed his feelings with breaks my heart every day. He stopped the affair 1 year before I found out, I had a gut feeling that something was wrong but didn’t know what, he traveled to America with work and had an affair with a co worker, we live in the UK. I found pictures and emails and nearly died of shock! He is very remorseful and has really tired to put things right but things will never be the same again between us. Knowing that you are five years in and still have triggers, and those of you that are over the ten year mark and also still think about their cheating spouses makes me think I should have left, I don’t want to feel the same way I am now years down the line. I was a good wife and mother and always put my family 1st, silly me! I now want to live and be happy. How could they do this to us and expect us to carry on as normal?
Today is my Dday 5 years out and I still feel the same way. I am better day to day but we will never be the same and I often wonder if I will ever allow myself to trust or love freely again. I like you wonder if I should have just left. I am so sorry we all have this pain.
XO scarred4ever
I am exactly 4.5 years out and feel exactly the same as you. My 3 kids do not respect him either. I was a good wife and mother and did not deserve any of this. I think about leaving every single day. I was talking to someone the other day and she mentioned she has friends that have gone through infidelity and divorced. However, they regret the divorce and wish they would had tried to work it out. And, so the mixed emotions goes on and on…. Ugh!
I think I just need the guts to step out on my own and feel free! Sounds good eh? I’m so courageous in my own thoughts but just can’t bring myself to do it, I envy those women who dared to try it! I still live in hope that my memory of that D Day would be erased but ever time I look at his face I know it will not leave me. I’m not having a good week, can you tell? lol
Hello, just so you know, I have replaced your real name with AM. SWxo
SW…it is so good to see you posting again some. I’m just behind you – my DDays started 4/12/14 and trickle truth stretched them through 6/12/14. I latched on to your blog in those early, horrific days – learning new vernacular and discovering I was part of the club I didn’t want to join.
I posted very little last year, but may be inspired by you to ramp up again…
I’m so sorry about the massive triggers at 5 years, and wonder if I’ll experience something similar. I’m going to read the rest of your posts since…and look forward to connecting. So glad you have the present to pay attention to, and the trampoline – fabulous idea and I think I need to get one!!!
Best to you, dear SW. And big hugs too. – SS
Lovely to hear from you, SS! Sometimes things will fine for weeks, months then, then out of the blue, BAM. Nothing is ever the same after an affair.
How have you been lately? SWxo
It was 5 years for me this past May. It’s still so hard. I have PTSD (from other trauma’s before) and the infidelity kind of put me over the edge. I broke so to speak. All he has to do is mention someone with the same name and I shut down. Well apparently I’m not healing fast enough for him, even though he told me he’d never give up on me after what he did. I got a fraud alert the other day from my bank for a company I didn’t recognize. He finally admitted it was for an Affair/porn site. I kind of just froze. He then stated to bombard me with all of MY faults, down to not keeping the house clean enough (we have 2 special needs children, 3 in all) and I run myself ragged, but where I don’t work outside the home, everything should be perfect. The fact that I complain too much (from stress/anxiety) and that he doesn’t love me and has been faking it for the past 2 years. I apologize daily for my faults and seek counseling to help, but it’s so hard. Did I mention it was HIM on the affair website? He then immediately told the kids that he was divorcing me, but would always love them. He then left. This was Sunday morning. I kind of went into shock, then got hysterical. I don’t understand where this is coming from suddenly. I feel like he’s trying to distract me from what he did by blaming me. When I told him that, he said “well you handle all of the financials, so didn’t you think I’d know you’d find that, maybe give you a hint I’m not happy.” I told him really?!?! Because after cheating on me, you thought this was the way to go about it? He said, I can’t deal with you anymore, I’m ready to move on. I’m so blindsided right now. My daughter has been hurt by this, she took a picture of herself, wrote “I hate you dad” on it, then sent it from my phone. He got very angry because he thought I put her up to it, which I would never. I made her apologize and told her he’s her Dad and he loves her. He still decided to come home. “If nothing else, then for the kids he told me”
He’s acting like he hates me, I’m just trying to hold it together, but I just feel so worthless and unloved. I called a suicide hotline on my way home the other day because I was having horrible thoughts about hurting myself. How pathetic is that? I don’t think I could ever do it because it’s selfish and it would destroy my kids. I just want the pain to go away, but now I’m stuck in limbo. Thank you for reading. I just feel so alone.
Crystal, that is horrible! What an asshole your husband is being. Don’t feel pathetic for seeking help – that’s what it’s there for! Your husband is selfish and heartless. There’s no other way to describe it. The blaming and the accusations – it sounds to me like he’s still cheating. These are classic cheater tactics. I’m so sorry you’ve been so blindsided. My doctor was a great help to me. Please see your doctor if you haven’t already. Hugs to you. SWxo