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affair, cheater, husband, infidelity, loss, love, marriage, new beginnings, relationship, wife
I suspect my husband knows.
About this blog, I mean.
He knows how much I live and breathe writing, and would expect no less of me than to write my way out of the hell that has been the past four years.
Yes, the blog is full of “vituperative nonsense”, as ‘Someone’ once described it, but what else would you expect from a blog written by a betrayed wife?
You bet it’s full of fucking vituperation!
It took most of that four years to work the anger out of my system.
My blog is full of swear words and bitterness and raw anger that only time could tend to and eventually tame.
Not erase, but tame.
That, plus my husband’s magnanimous efforts in righting his wrongs, have eased the open wounds that bled for so long.
For years — more than 3.5yrs, in fact — I could not see a way out of the despair.
The despair of reading your husband’s words of seduction to another woman.
The heartbreak of learning your husband meet up with multiple women for God knows what.
The utter devastation of learning he began cheating while his wife was pregnant with their third and final child.
It takes some real fucking effort to pick yourself up after being discarded so cruelly by the one person in the world you thought had your back.
What I’ve realised through this entire saga is that I’m a goddam survivor.
I may have been brought to my knees, drowning in depression and anger, but I made it out the other fucking side.
There is nothing I cannot handle.
I can never be hurt like that again because I have hardened and become more resilient.
Even if I discovered my husband cheating again one day, I could shrug and walk away. I’d be mad but I wouldn’t be destroyed.
I’m near fucking invincible.
Yes, it would hurt, but nothing like the first time, when it seemed my world completely blew the fuck up and I was left standing in the middle holding the remnants of a grenade.
Anyone who makes light of affairs has not lived through it, and for that they should be fucking grateful.
Life may not always be so generous.
But this is the life I’ve had to live and adjust to. I didn’t ask for any of it. It was dumped on me by a thoughtless and selfish individual. We all had this shit dumped on us.
BUT…
Life is better today. It’s different. I’m different. I’m happy! I smile a lot, and most of the negativity I once carried has gone.
My husband and I have rediscovered a very active sex life, which has been a revelation. Sex four or five times a week is the norm. Previously, we could go months without being sexually intimate. I enjoy this new closeness.
I don’t think of a certain bunny boiler much at all these days. I look back to that time and I swear I must have been fucking mad. The thought of being with that revolting human repulses me no end, although I’m sure my husband would be excited at the prospect of a threesome LOL.
Before my husband and I turned a corner, he made a comment to me that he thought I had “checked out” of our marriage, terminology I had used when writing here. I thought it was odd, that he used that phrasing, but tried not to think about it.
Then, that night when we were lying in bed and I tried to tell him about you-know-who, he told me I didn’t need to tell him anything. Why not? Maybe he already knew?
So dear husband, if you are reading this, please let me know.
Just say to me, “I know.”
And if I’m stressing and in the middle of something and carrying on and I turn around and snap at you, “Know what??”, please cradle my face in your hands, look me in the eye, and repeat, “I know.”
We now know where we stand with each other.
Let’s make a clean break and be open.
I think we at least owe each other that.
xo
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
Awesome Post, SW. With all you just said, please don’t leave us and keep your blog going. Your blog is what gives us all hope and we all can thank you for that. 🙂
Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere! SWxo
Today your msg totally touched a very raw spot in my heart. He doesn’t or probably will never ever ever ever understand what this feels like. It’s truly hell but unfortunately I am still in the hell here. Alone. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Something I so fucking hate and I am so insanepusly jealous of the ones who actually never felt this pain.he came back his me with two cheap dresses and a perfume that I hate. Imagine he knows so much about my taste !
It truly is the thought that counts. And he won’t put any thought into anything for me. He doesn’t even know what he wants but he is killing me everyday. He thinks I go in to a dark space every now and then. He thinks I have a problem and that all that was the past. No one understands the pain I feel. It’s like you live it everyday and like you aptly said that one person you thought had your back actually discarded you so venomously. Don’t you ask yourself why why why why the fuck did this happen? Don’t you fucking feel incomplete ugly and wasted. I do. I feel like shit. I hated yesterday. Do you feel sucidal cause I do. I don’t even know who to tell this to but I actually hate my life existence.
Feel tired broke bitter angry. And the irony is I still feel my husband lives with her in his head. Such a coward to have said wanted me.i never knew he hated me so much. So much hate between people who you think loves you.
And I am forty with two kids. Half or may be more passed with someone who actually doesn’t even love me. I have not once cheated on him and yet so much betrayal.
Yes, I went through all of those emotions. I asked why it happened over and over again. Yes to feeling like shit. Yes to having suicidal thoughts. Yes to hating special occasion days like Valentine’s Day and our anniversary. It felt our entire marriage was a fucking sham, and I was convinced we’d never make it through.I even read something that said ‘when you discover your husband has had an affair, you have two choices: you can leave, or you can stay and find a way to get past it’. And I kept screaming in my head, ‘How, HOW do you get past something like this?????’. I didn’t go anywhere, though.We stayed under the same roof, briefly separating and sleeping in different beds. Still, we stayed living together, with our three young children. It was awful. Hate lived in the air and I breathed it in every day.
But at some point after the 4-year mark, something changed. I finally accepted what had happened. And things changed. I changed. I decided our life together was worth fighting for. And once I made that mental shift, everything fell into place.
At no stage did I ever feel I would reach this place. For so many years, it was just hopeless. I was convinced we were heading to divorce court. How could I ever move past what he did to me, our marriage?? He killed me inside.
But today I feel different. Our life is different.I am happy. I am at peace.
Love and hugs to you. SWxo
I also have felt all of your feelings and wondered how the fuck do I get through this?I never thought I would ever heal after he broke me but I am healing,I am over 2years now and it is getting easier.It’s so so hard but believe me please you can do this.You have to start believing this and pushing yourself forward even if it’s the tiniest bit forward it is in the right direction.You are amazing and you will start to feel better soon I promise.
You are not alone please never forget this.
Sending you all my strength,and I have lots of it now so please use it.
You got this little by little xxx
Almost 2 years have passed since my husband’ affair and things are getting better. I no longer have obsessive thoughts about his deceitfulness, but I still have my questions. Now they’ve changed tone a bit; from ‘why’ and ‘how could you’ to ‘do I see myself in this marriage 5 years from now’, ‘do I want to live broken together’, ‘will I ever find happiness with him again’, ‘how would it be if I find someone else and start all over again’?
His cheating did not affect my confidence but it affected me in so many other ways. I never blamed the OW, but him. What hurts the most is that I found out what a weak person he has become… what a disappointment…what a disappointment.
You are right ‘Wanna die’, it feels like being killed. He killed that innocent and naive teen he married 20 years ago and now he tries to get her back; but that person is no longer alive. Maybe my feelings for him return, maybe not; but I am no longer the person I used to be. I am stronger but cold, heart broken, and indifferent. Wish things get better soon for you!
SW after reading your post about your husband knowing it, I decided that maybe it is time my beloved fallen husband has a look at how others feel about being betrayed. I am tired of explaining why I still cannot let go on his infidelity. You are so good at saying things raw and clear. Maybe it’s time he knows it as well…
I am glad things are going well between you and your husband… gives a bit of hope. Don’t stop posting. Maybe you should write a book with all these posts and histories 🙂
You speak the truth. Our questions do change over time. The pain lessens but we constantly ask ourselves whether we still want to be in the marriage. For the longest time, the answer for me was that it was too painful to stay but I couldn’t decide for certain. So I stayed put. I’m glad I did.
Also, there are plenty of betrayed spouses who point their husbands to this blog. Feel free to do likewise. Cheaters have no fucking idea of the devastation they cause. Give them a reality check. My blog isn’t going anywhere. Hugs to you. SWxo
SW forgot to add: I would buy your book if you decided to write one 😉
Haha! Thank you! 😂
Agreed with you – wishididn’t care.. I post as mollymagee. I do blame them both! I had a young vulnerable teen child on autism spectrum at time of their affair and a young adult daughter fighting cancer. Can you believe this??? I can after reading post after post by women pregnant, nursing dying parents, helping spouses thru school and work commitments and still being cheated on by these self absorbed jerks. She knew both of these things and continued on merrily with her selfish, self absorbed pursuit of my husband. And yes, he’s an asshole too for pursuing her and seeking out an affair to scratch a bottomless itch left by his abusive mother and distant father. Bottom line, wouldn’t want to wake up as him every morning knowing what a douche to me and his kids, that he was being while this was going on for our family. I also agree that his death would have been easier …not for my kids but for me. I can do death. I’ve lost many significant people including a brother to AIDS in horror of HIV crisis of 80s and I can still stand. But this WAS like being killed by two people… him and her. One of whom I trusted with all my heart: no more. I’m cautious around him and not sure that will ever truly stop. Al Anon and realizing my identity as ACOA affected my response. I did have a blow to my confidence and self worth – little that I had from all of this. But I’m grateful I’m not either one of them… this one they can’t escape from. We are still trying but even if we end someday – it won’t – it can’t be the blow finding out about his affair was. Nothing short of losing one of my kids (god forbid) will compare to that day and its aftermath. Peace… xomollymagee (see my comments and story above)
“Anyone who makes light of affairs has not lived through it, and for that they should be fucking grateful.”
So true…
All stands (and falls) with being open and truthful to each other….only then the healing begins. But, it is fragile…secrets do damage.
❤
They certainly do. Secrets and lies are a deadly combination. SWxo
Finding out my husband cheated on me was the most painful thing I’d ever lived through. You said it when you said being betrayed by the one person who you thought had your back (or something similar). It’s awesome you’ve made it through. We didn’t. We tried, briefly but he wasn’t really trying and then I found out he was still cheating, but with someone else. It didn’t hurt that time . I was just done. The pain of the first discovery was gut punching, can’t stand up, eat, sleep, or function pain. You can’t live that betrayal but once.
Good luck to you 🙂.
The first time is exactly like that – you can’t eat, sleep or function. Nobody understands how truly debilitating that is unless they’ve lived through it. You wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. SWxo
Not anyone.
“’I’m near fucking invincible”.
Yes, your Absolutely are ! ❤️
Secrets and lies kill relationships. End of. Anyone who has known the pain and devastation of betrayal by the person you trusted most in the world knows that you think and feel and write with your heart and soul ripped out of you. You don’t need to beat yourself up about what you wrote SW. You reflected the feelings of most people in this situation. And you have helped all of us.
Be open with your husband. Give each other that gift.
I wish you much happiness.
Kate. Xx
Thank you, Kate. It’s taken me a very long time to get to this point. I am thankful I got here. I am finally at peace, and happy with where my marriage is at. I’m sorry if this triggers others; I can only tell you my story and my reality. If it gives someone hope, that is a bonus.
Love and hugs to you Kate. SWxo
Oh these last two posts. So rich with your heart and your strength.
Thank you for sharing, dear SW. It didn’t break you. It didn’t harden you. Despite all the evil and pain, you are beautiful. Big hugs.
Thank you, SavingShards. I think maybe it did harden me a little, or at least make me less naive about men and their desires. Love and strength to you. SWxo
Your last two posts have given me so much hope. I am the cheating asshole husband who has commented a few times. My affair ended 3 years and 2 months ago. It only lasted 4 months. One of the most important things I discovered through my affair is how much I love my wife. My wife was very guarded and un-trusting when I met her. She had built up walls around herself because of a terrible abusive father and earlier bad relationships. I spent 8 years tearing down her walls with love and patience and tenderness. I single handedly rebuilt the walls when I gave my phone number to another woman and we started communicating. It was addicting to hear the compliments and flirting. We almost got divorced, but I convinced her to stay. There were several times that she has said if circumstances were different when I cheated, she would have been long gone. Her employment being the main one. Much like you, she is now quite capable of supporting herself.
I hope she can find the same peace and have a similar mental shift and we can enjoy a closeness that we were missing even before my affair. Our sex life is non-existent. Four or five times a week? I would think I had died and gone to heaven. She has access to my email account and can check my phone whenever she wants. I no longer have facebook or any other social network account. We have gone to counseling a few times, but she doesn’t like to hear a counselor say it’s obvious that I love her and we should really start working on the marriage. She turned me on to your blog a couple years ago and it really helped me understand some of the things she was feeling. Again, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I hope you will continue to share with us. Especially someone like me who hopes my marriage will follow yours and become successful again.
Hello AH, good to hear from you again. Sometimes I think if circumstances were different when I first discovered my husband’s cheating (didn’t have a newborn, had a job) I would have walked, too. But honestly, who’s to say? I remember saying I’d never hang around if my husband cheated, yet I didn’t go anywhere.
Our sex life was non-existent for the longest time. Even in good times, it was once a week, if that.
Not sure why it’s so frequent at the moment. Probably because I’m actually enjoying it haha. Maybe I’ll do a separate blog about that.
I have no intention of stopping this blog. I’m not going anywhere! I’m sure there will be plenty more to write about.
As for your wife, just keep in mind that it takes a lot for someone who’s been cheated on to make that mental shift. You are in it for the long haul. Don’t give up. SWxo
AH got a question that keeps popping up in my head and maybe you can help me out a bit. “Why should a cheating husband want to stay in a loveless marriage?”
I have been very honest with my husband and told him that my love for him is gone and that I stay because I still have not decided what to do. He keeps saying he regrets his poor choices, he loves me blablabla, and that he would rather stay in a loveless marriage than living without me. Why would anyone do that? It is an act of egoism and a heavy burden to put on the faithful partner.
Terrific question. Would love some insights on this, too. SWxo
I too have used the term “loveless marriage”. There have been several times these past 3+ years where it was overwhelming and I was ready to give up. I told my wife I was tired of being the only one trying. But there were always glimmers of hope. Quiet moments where we would laugh together about something one of the kids did. One of us would apologize for whatever hurtful comment was made during an argument. She knows I love her and how much I regret my actions. The past 6 months have been moving in a good direction. She doesn’t pull away when I cuddle up to her in bed. She allows me to touch her intimately though not often. I convinced her to let me pleasure her without any pressure for her to return the favor. That was a good night. I got more pleasure out of hearing her breathing and moans to ultimate climax than if I had climaxed myself. We now workout together and are working to stay healthy. When it comes to kids, she sees me talk to them about my wrongdoings. They are too young to understand everything so I tell them that Daddy was very mean to Mommy and did some bad things that hurt her very much. As they get older I’ll explain more. I’ll have more serious talks with my son so he doesn’t make the same mistakes. Try to explain how infidelity can destroy a family. I will be completely honest with him. If you believe that your husband truly loves you and is honestly ashamed and regretful for his actions, tell him you believe him. Ask him to tell you everything. Ask questions on top of questions. If he wants to rebuild, he will answer them no matter how uncomfortable it is. It was a huge release for me to answer all the questions she had and I think it was a huge step forward. So…… Why would a cheating husband stay in a loveless marriage? HOPE. For me it was hope. I am a perpetual optimist and that combined with hope has carried me.
Thank you for your answer. Hope…🙄😳🙄
Yeah, he told our kids what an asshole he has been the very day I found out. He has asnwered all my questions and even let me read his text messages to the OW… I see he tries everything in his power to make things good again, but who am I kidding? They will never be the same again…This is the life I got; Unfurtunatelly! Still struggling to find out what I want.
Hope…hope.. TF everything turns inside my stomach…hope… His answer to this question was ‘HOPE and LOVE’ as well. WTF! He should have tought about it before engaging with some stranger.
Sorry for my negativity…am just in one of those dark moments
I also ask that question.
Pre affair I lived this hippie type existence. Relaxed, happy, trusting and giving. Then post affair I built a wall so fast layer by layer with each disclosure before the cement even dried. Now I live there. Unconfident, no real existence and nothing left to give. Looking out on a world I once lived in questioning everything I see.
I’m just over a year. Maybe in 4 years time I will feel different. Who knows. To the people out there whose partner left them is it any better?? Do you have to find a way to live again? I do love my H and always have but as I said I can’t give at this moment.
So I ask. Why don’t you just go?? Answer the same. Because he loves me and can’t think of a life without me. Question! But we had a full sex life and lived a fulfilled life, I can’t give you that now as I don’t think it made any difference then. Answer, I was stupid.
Yes very!!!!
He tells me he lives with guilt and looks at how he has destroyed me.
In my case I think he does not want to upset our children or for them to see him for who he is. He does not want his family or my family seeing him that way either.
He wants work to see him as a stable reliable individual. Not a continual cheat chasing women and using work and hotels to do
It. What would that say about his integrity.
I do think he also feels massive guilt and knows he destroyed another individual by his actions and decisions. And for mine I do think he feels love towards me.
So for some I do think they feel they have lots of reasons they give to stay and possibly also live in hope.
But for how long??? I do say go and be happy. You found lots of women you could again. Why stay with me who can’t give in the same way ever again. It does feel like you continuously take the burden still of everyone’s emotions.
I do feel it’s a waiting game. How long will it be before he goes or gives in to temptation. If you can do it in a full happy life you can do it in an empty ungiving one, surely.
Are these some of the reasons for some. I don’t know but I expect the word guilt comes in to it and for some they did not know how that would really feel at the time until they had to witness the shear devastation it has on a betrayed partner.
Hi KS,
I believe that as you move through the phases of post-affair, you will change your questions, from why he doesn’t leave you to why you still want to stay with him.
Honesty, I don’t care if he wants to stay or go. He has checked out on our marriage when he talk to those women online and when he has been sexualy involved with his coworker, while I was taking care of our kids/home, went to University to make a career that would improve our life as a family, loved him unconditionally, was naively there every time he must have felt torn between me and the others, etc. BTW SW those snapshots you took from your husband correspondence with the OW seemed like beeing taken from my husband’s chat texts.
‘So I ask. Why don’t you just go?’ …’But for how long??? I do say go and be happy. You found lots of women you could again. Why stay with me who can’t give in the same way ever again. It does feel like you continuosly take the bunden still of everyone’s emotions.’ …’How long will it be before he goes or gives in to temptation?’ KS why would you take the burden of his emotions upon you over and over again? Why would you ask him to go find happiness with someone else, when in fact you should think at yourself? Sorry if it sounds egoistic, but affair changed me to to a colder person. Regarding temptation, well, I am not affraid he would cheat again. If it happened, I will leave him without blinking, and he knows that too. I have the right to be happy! I have the right not to fear and not to feel pain, expecially when someone else egoistically gave it to me as a ‘gift’ without even asking for it.
I am interested in asking ppl out there that have been cheated on and have left their cheating spouse: Are you more happy/fulfilled now after you (not the unfaithful spouse) left to put all that behind?
SW was it all worth the stay now when you think back at your 4 years of pain and agony? Do you look at him whitout thinking at what he has done?
Yes, it was worth it. I no longer look at him like he’s a worthless piece of shit and that I wouldn’t care if he dropped dead. Honestly, I can look at him now and see the man I married. I don’t see the bad he has done as that’s all I’ve seen for the past 4 years and now I choose to look past it.
That said, I haven’t forgiven him and never will. The amount of damage inflicted is not something I can ever forgive.
He may cheat again, and if that happens, I will be fine. I have means to leave, and I will not go through that shitstorm again.
All I can tell you is that right now, I no longer look at his face and see CHEATING ASSHOLE written on his face.
For me, it was worth it. I am finally happy again and can see a future for us I couldn’t even see three months ago. The mental shift was quick. We’d already done the work. SWxo
I really do hope for a day when I too no longer see the words CHEATING ASSHOLE across OH’s face. 3 years 11 months and still counting…
Glad you have found serenity SW. X
Has he said it yet?
Not yet!
My wife cheated on me almost two years ago. It was one of the most traumatic experiences I ever had. I gave her a second chance, which I believe was the wrong choice. The truth is that if your spouse cheated on you, then they don’t love or respect you. Why do they stay after being caught? Because it is easier to stay, than to face the reputational damage and losing half of their wealth. There is a very good chance they are still cheating, they are just hiding it better. Here is my advice to you and myself… get the hell out of the marriage. Get someone who would really love and respect you. Do it for yourself.
Where are you? We miss you!
I’m so glad to see you had a winter 2018 posting and all is going well for you and yours SW. Your honesty in this process is so needed and welcome. I’m coming on the two year anniversary of the entire Disaster of my husband’s self and self absorbed, completely narcissistic lifestyle and affair. This coming June 29th to July 2nd, marks two years to the date that they hooked up physically after having an over-the-phone and laptops (according to him, I’ll never really know all the details and truth – will I?) sexting, texting and emotional and sexually charged affair. Oh, and btw, that’s the same week by closest and dearest brother died of AIDS many decades ago – nice them picking that week, huh??? We live in New England, she’s a TX twit school teacher who violated her school district’s mortality code in her teacher contract by cheating as she was married too. She has a criminal record and convictions (yes, in TX you can teach w/those – they were financial, grifter crimes. Guess whose money she was also after? You got it…his, mine, ours!) This July 10th pending, will mark #2 D-Day. The day I sat in a park in Brooklyn, NY, on a date w/my husband for the first time in months, after seeing our young teen son off on the bus to camp – who is on the autism spectrum and who I do everything in my power to advocate for beautifully and seeing our young adult daughter thru cancer for a year. Yes, not making this up…. he cheated through all of this. So sadly, ShatteredWife – I’d like to say I’m shocked that your spouse cheated thru your last pregnancy but I’m not; like you, my eyes are now wide open to the level of depravity and betrayal cheating spouses will lower themselves to get “theirs”. And no, this was not a “my child has cancer “cancer affair” as some wanted to label it; they started their affair 5 months before our daughter’s diagnosis in December 2015, and even that didn’t stop them. It didn’t stop her father. It didn’t stop my child’s father from continuing and escalating the connection w/his AP. And I had my own cancer scare as well in February 2016 and that didn’t stop him as well. It was full speed ahead into the spring of 2016 and then summer and their in person hook up, in our city, ten minutes from our daughter’s apartment on T or foot and a ten minute drive from our home. Nice, huh? She airbnb’d it w/him in our city! Jump ahead two weeks post their hook up, and we were together, alone, in the park in July of 2016, about to start a romantic three day stay at the beach that I had planned for us. We were marking making it through six terrifying months wondering if our daughter would live (little did I know he had his own “support system” on the side). In the park, when I asked to borrow his phone, that he asked me to hold in my purse – my life fell apart; I wanted to take the photo of him… because he looked “so handsome”. As I snapped the photo, her text came scrolling across the screen and I knew immediately, from its immature and needy content, that he was in an affair. I confronted him right there and he confirmed it and then proceeded to lie to me about who she was, where they met, for days and weeks, even in front of his own therapist who he asked ME to go with him to see. The pile of his lies became almost laughable, behind his back, they were coming so fast and furiously. When the truth finally came out over the next three or so weeks all hell broke loose. But my life truly fell apart in front of me that day in the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. Then after a year of his accusations, gas lighting me, blaming me and me completely hitting rock bottom mentally, physically (lost 25 lbs in less than 3 months – not healthy!) and other ailments developed due to stress – aka STD testing – almost no cheaters use condoms; emotionally – two therapists and massive bills to keep me from committing suicide, I had a change in my recovery – I say mine, not his. This is about me now. Like you, even if he cheated again, I could never go back to that level of naivete. shock and trust like I had before this cataclysmic event in our marriage and family life. Yes, the kids know – one of them – the daughter – knew before I did but given her own cancer worries – couldn’t bare to tell me. She saw a text from her dad to his AP and knew six months before I did that he was writring to someone things “a married man should not be writing to someone other than his wife” Gross, huh? My amazing daughter was fighting her own fears of cancer and death and had to deal w/that and she told no one – not even her own sweetheart. For the first year anniversary of DDay, I left the USA for five weeks to study and travel in Ireland – a dream I’ve had for eleven years. I am also an educator and used my own savings to pay my way to Galway, Ireland and a three week study program there for teachers. I loved studying and living in Galway with great teacher roommates and now even better friends. My husband asked to join me at the end of my program: I declined and spent the last two weeks there traveling by myself seeing Dublin and the villages and towns my ancestors were from there. Ireland’s history, stunning beauty, my roommates in my program and the joy of discovering family homes healed me so much. I didn’t want to come back except for my children. Just before leaving for Ireland, I started attending Al Anon meetings in the USA and I continued there in Ireland; I am an ACOA and had no idea how much the devastation of my husband’s affair was so connected to being the adult daughter of an alcoholic (and now deceased) father. My worst needy, angry, hurt, painfully sad feelings of abandonment and betrayal came up; it didn’t help that my husband had done much of what my father did to me – same feelings of abandonment and betrayal – just different addiction/ “drug” – my dad’s was booze – my husband’s was sex and just being mean. Al Anon has been a major healing resource in this second year and so has attending AA meetings as well, as I qualify for both programs, given my family history with booze. I can admit the places where my behaviors contributed to our marriage being in trouble with also knowing he is the one who made the choice to go outside of our marriage to fix a problem in it. He now, two years later, doesn’t want me to take any of the blame for his affair; he’s “seen the light” and he “realizes what he was going to throw away” for a problem inside himself and with himself. I’m still not sure I buy it. After all, he didn’t end the affair because he had this self-insight and he realized he was doing such hurtful things to me, our marriage, our kids, our family; he ended it because he got caught and he always wants to look like the good guy in the eyes of family and friends and work colleagues. He reminded me constantly the first year or so, that “he stayed” now I remind him that I NEVER left and he only stayed because he was caught and to not give himself too many pats on the back about that. He was trying to save face, mostly, in my opinion. The reality is that that for a good long time, mentally and emotionally and trust wise – he was already long gone out of his marriage. His body was here but everything else was w/her. I know his AP thought they had a future together and that he gave her indications she should keep that hope for them. I know he told her he loved her – big mistake telling any woman that – unless you plan to see it through. He doesn’t know I know she got herself into hot water, stalking her husband at the time, because she told him it was over between them before her hook up with my husband. Then when she got them caught and she got dumped by my husband, she went back to her husband to try and make amends and he dumped her for good. And then she was stalking and harassing him to the point of him having to change jobs and locations. This woman had trouble written all over her. She cheated on her first husband w/the second one and was then cheating w/her second husband w/mine! Who did my husband think was next?? And for the record, she was NOT the only woman he was reaching out to on-line which I’d hedge my bets his AP would not be too happy about if she knew. She was not his only “special on line” friend.. just the one who grabbed the bait the farthest and took the line the longest way out in the pond. So I feel a just a smidge sorry for her now because she was playing him but he was playing her too! Jump ahead two years, she’s left the teaching job she was at when carrying on the affair, because she knows I did almost report her to HR and her district and she knew I wasn’t playing with her. I threatened to do this because she was not going away as asked by my husband in his too kind, “dear Jane” letter; she was keeping tabs on my husband thru Linked In and reaching out by email to him even 3 months after him forming ending it. Therefore, she received a cease and desist from our lawyers. So now I have my therapy and Al Anon and my head is screwed on a bit better coming up on on year three starting. My friends, some close family and my spiritual life sustain me for now. I am here for now for my now 15 year old son who needs both parents under one roof caring for him due to his disability and to “see what happens” and where I’m at. The vote is still out on the marriage’s longevity. As I say to people who ask, “before my husband’s affair I had a marriage that I thought was solid and needed some TLC and with very little sex (btw, for the record, I missed that too) but with a man who was my best friend and who I trusted with all my heart; after my husband’s affair I have a marriage that is no longer my rock, I am no longer naive
and that has great sex but with a man I don’t trust anymore and will never trust again like I did before his affair – but the sex is great. So be it.” My kids are both healthy and thriving despite their health and disability challenges and that’s all that matters to me. I go to meetings a lot and I’ve learned to not over share or over talk with my husband about my state of recovery or where my heart and process stands. He wanted an elusive, mystery woman who was distant enough not make it boring for him – well, now he’s got her – it’s me! It’s true- no one who hasn’t experienced this – as a betrayed wife or husband – can get it. No one. I wish all of us peace of mind and heart and a life of doing for ourselves what we can do best – be patient and compassionate with ourselves because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy … not even her. For year two, I”m going on my own road trip again, this time state-side, mostly to mark my brother’s 30th anniversary of dying of AIDS and to just be on my own w/o being around my spouse. I’m still not ready to reassure him that we’ll “be ok” or that I even want to be w/him on those days. I told him it still makes me want to throw up thinking about it; he says it makes him sick to his stomach to think about it too. So be it… that’s his burden to own, not mine. His massive mistake, meanness and hurtfulness no longer needs to be my crisis. Peace to all this summer and may you have joy and fun w/your children, family and friends who have your back. His Wife… Molly Magee
I wrote above but this is my favorite and most honest thing you said… “Yes, it was worth it. I no longer look at him like he’s a worthless piece of shit and that I wouldn’t care if he dropped dead. Honestly, I can look at him now and see the man I married. I don’t see the bad he has done as that’s all I’ve seen for the past 4 years and now I choose to look past it.That said, I haven’t forgiven him and never will. The amount of damage inflicted is not something I can ever forgive.
He may cheat again, and if that happens, I will be fine. I have means to leave, and I will not go through that shit storm again.”
This is spot on and thank you; this is the crux of it – we know we will NOT stay the next time and their first affair built the backbone and inner strength in us that makes it possible – to say – not “why did s/he do this or how?” or “why does he/she stay?” – it’s “why do I stay and do I even want to and for how long?” Life is a series of choices.. we all have choices once the affair is out. They took our right to a choose away by sneaking around behind our backs and we will never go back to that level of trust or non-choice ever again. I also admire your honesty and integrity admitting that you’ll never forgive him. I think forgiveness is ultimately for us – to give us peace – but there’s a lot of BS rhetoric out there in post affair literature about moving quickly toward forgiveness. I’m a spiritual person, follow both Judeo-Christian values but the stuff out there urging betrayed spouses to get to forgiveness asap or in under six months is ridiculous and naive. We are not God or Gods or Goddesses: we are merely humans who have been profoundly harmed and hurt. Forgiveness can’t be rushed. And even if I do forgive: I will NEVER, EVER forget and let my guard down like I did before the affair came out. I’ve read in a few other blogs and articles, the best “revenge” or way to forgive yourself is to live the best, healthiest and happiest life you can and I can see that now. I couldn’t see that the first year or so because I was so hurt and devastated I could barely function. I was so depressed that my son became depressed and had to be hospitalized. So become the best person for yourself, your children (if you have them) that you can be; that way if he cheats again – he’s losing even more of a gem than he had the first time around. Most of the women I know who are divorced (even from non-cheating spouses) are the happiest, most content with themselves women I know. Do they get lonely sometimes – yes… but a marriage where you’ve been betrayed or you are waiting for the other “shoe to drop” can be f-in lonely too. Marriage can be one of the loneliest institutions – especially a marriage where there’s been an affair. I enjoy my own company and I know I’ll be ok. Most divorced women I know say if their spouse remarries, it’s usually to the re-boot of them – and the lesser version of them.. maybe younger but not better. And I don’t even worry about the financial aspect of divorce anymore. If I found out he was cheating, I’d probably want to cut as many strings as possible w/him, even $$$ ties, so I could have as little contact as possible. And I forgot to write one of the best things about his affair, when I posted above, a side benefit besides getting me to Al Anon. His affair allowed me to finally cut ties w/his toxic and mean family. For years, I tried to fit in and feel accepted by them like the needy ACOA I was, but they were not and never will be a warm or welcoming family… well, not to me. I used to blame myself for this attitude of theirs and my husband NEVER protected me or stood up to them about it pre his affair. I used to think his apple had rolled far away from his family of origin tree… but his apple didn’t… no apple falls very far from the tree of the family of origin. He’s as mean and hurtful as the rest of him, it just took a few decades for it to come it out like it did. I saw signs over the years of it but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. His family was so awful to me – particularly his sister and mom and an aunt – the days and weeks after his affair came to light, that I could no longer make any excuses for them or be hard on myself anymore. This is a gift that keeps on giving.. I barely spend anytime w/any of them and I’ve told him that I’m not going to feel guilty or like a bad wife or DIL/SIL for doing so. He says he doesn’t want to walk around feeling guilty for the rest of his life for having had his stupid affair; so I’m borrowing that line from his play book and doing the same – not feeling guilty about having healthier and more defined boundaries around his toxic family. They don’t have alcoholism or drug addiction – he comes from rage-a-holism and I don’t have to live like that anymore -whether or not, we remain married long term. That is true freedom and forgiveness for myself. Hope this helps someone out there. Peace again. MM
You wrote a couple of months ago so my reply is a bit late! However, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story which resonates with me so much. I am 3 years in and while things are much improved I feel I can never feel the same about him. I do know though that I would be able to ” go it alone ” which I wouldn’t have said before. That is something valuable from this. The main thing I want now is peace from the torment . I am still working on that!
Thank you.
Kate xx
Posted the above in reply to MM.!
Thanks
Kate xx
Hi cax60…just seeing this reply to my reply to Shattered Wife : selflishly I wish she was writing more frequently. Ester Perl.. the latest darling on affair recovery says it really isn’t until year 5 that couples can start saying, “We went thru this crisis’ and it becomes less “I” did. We shall see right? In meantime it’s helped me tremendously to wade thru my myriad of hurt feelings with help of Al Anon- I’m adult daughter of alcoholic and in spent the better part of my childhood and youth and even middle age wallowing in its dysfunction. This greatly affected my response to my husband’s affair- not like it would have hurt like a son of a bitch (which he is, btw, the son of a BITCH – my MIL and sibling to a sister who was beyond cruel to me when it all came out… thanks a lot SIL!!; one of the few blessings of his affair coming is that it allowed me to cut ties w/his family for most part – a relief for me since they were a toxic element in my life and our marriage… free at last of that BS!! They were awful to me when it did come out. Blood truly is thicker than water in their family – in most families I suppose but not in families affected by alcohol addiction. Long term, I’m still not sure that we are not permanently broken but I’m here for now, for my teen son on autism spectrum’s stability and well being.If I can fall in love with or love him a new way: my husband by the time he’s launched into his late teens and young adulthood life – I’ll stay. If things are not good in 2-4 years, I know now (thanks to his stupid, self absorbed actions) that I can make it on my own and be happy. Or at peace and content. For now, it’s one day at a time. I try not to overthink it and enjoy our good moments together and with our family; but I’m trying to not be an open book to him – which is hard – I’m a natural emoter and expressive. He is trying to do right by me and our kids but it’s still a struggle for me to trust him again; he’s “over the affair” but it lives actively in my brain as more real than we had or have now. It’s affected my health and mental health. On my worst days I want to just be alone – I like my own company, can travel and eat alone and like a quiet house with just me or me and my son in it. I could be okay w/o a partner or spouse. And as for her… I’ve told him she’ll never truly be safe while I breathe; while she lives far away from us – in TX, I know can’t trust what I’d do to her if we ever crossed paths. I never did anything to hurt her and she systematically sought out my husband and knew our child was fighting cancer and we had a disabled son as well. What a POS. I hope she still has sleepless, miserable, lonely nights and pines for him daily. She’s now cheated on two husbands and I’m fairly certain she’d do the same to him and was targeting our money as well as his attention thru the affair. She works as school teacher in TX and I made it my point to ruin her reputation w/her school district like she ruined the family I had. I’d like to be meaner and do more but my conscious holds me back. But F her for the rest of her life… woman to woman she’s in trouble if we ever meet up. I’ve told my husband that point blank. She knowingly hurt me and my two vulnerable children. And for that, no woman – no mom would question me raking her over the coals. She’s VERY lucky her face and a posting of her has not been on shesahomewrecker… but it’s never too late. I probably sound bonkers and part of me will never be the same after this. I have not found couple’s counseling helpful either. It just brings up old sadness and anger. I recommend this video and this piece too on affair recovery… ignore the Christian source if that’s not your thing. And yes, if the opportunity to have my own fling or affair arose – I’d go for it.. no question now. I don’t find myself wanting one but if it did arise – I wouldn’t hesitate. Unlike him and dip shit thoughtless affair partner, though, I’d insist on condom use. Yes, gross – I had to be STD tested and so did he – I insisted – because they were too stupid and selfish to use them. Here goes: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/therapist-mistakes-with-infidelity-recovery and while I’m not a huge fan of hers.. some of this has some helpful tips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0dVjeBNANA
Good luck and keep in touch. Peace to all going through this.
I love the vulnerability of this. I kept my blog private for some time because I was scared of people knowing my rawest emotions. Who knew how cathartic it is to write! Keep on 🤗
Thank you so much for posting this. Your words are so so so true. I can’t get past any images in my mind no matter how hard I try. It makes me sick. I want to tell at both of them for wrecking our wonderful family. This blog gives me hope that marriages can recover…. I just pray to God we get there. I am a mess.
Hi InMontana, when was your D-day? SWxo
July 9th was the day I began to find things
I just feel like my world is shattered and I don’t know how to get past any of it.
Well, this is as good a place to start as any! Have a read through, see what resonates with you. The comments beneath each post are also worth reading. SWxo
Can you please give us an update of where you at. I miss your blog.
Thanks, Belinda. I feel like I’ve been working on a post forever! Soon, I promise. The short version is we’re still together and we’re moving on with life. SWxo
Hi, I found out 5 months ago that my husband has had 3 affairs, two were very short lived purely sex, and one that lasted 3 years on and off. She was was 27 years younger than him, I mean what the fuck does a 37 year old want with a 63 year old married man. Oh thats it she’s still living at home with her parents and can’t afford to move out, where as we have a very nice house, that he has kindly showed her pictures of as we were doing it up. No doubt she thought he’d get a very nice settlement out of a divorce and as she told him the could have a life of ‘sex and holidays ‘ slag !
Anyway, he’s admitted that he loved her, but wants desperately to make a go of our 31 year marriage. Even though he forgot our wedding anniversary and spent the evening sexting her.
On DD, I made him text her and tell her that it was over and that he used her purely for sex and that she meant nothing to him, which he was more than willing to do. She replied he should be ashamed of the way he treated her. Treated her, what about me ?
He is truly devastated, has lost over two stone and can’t sleep. Well all I can think is good because he has no idea of the devastation he’s caused to me, and our grown up boys. One can barely speak to him.
It would be so easy to walk away and start to heal without the lying bastard in my life ! But we’ve been married for so long, have two fantastic boys, who both have lovely partners and a gorgeous granddaughter. He has ripped apart the whole family and I often wonder why I’m still here. Why does he deserve my forgiveness ? But like you have said, in your inspirational blog, I’m simply not ready to leave yet
I hear you, Claire. The devastation is simply soul destroying. I still have days where I think everything is fine, and others where I can barely speak two civil words to him. *They* make the fucking decision to cheat. *They* cause the annihilation of the marriage. Yet *we* carry that shit around with us until the day we die.
Any pain they carry around afterwards pales in significance next to ours. Strength and love to you. SWxo
I agree with you. Why do we stay and let them do this?? Why do they get off Scott free and we spend each day reliving it all, crying, worrying about it happening again?? We are dumb. The fact that we are willing to stay and live in an emotional hell is horrible. And it is not our fault that they couldn’t keep it in their pants. So frustrating.