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Every time July comes around, it fills me with trepidation.
Prior to this fucking affair bullshit, July was my wedding anniversary month.
When July rolled around, it signalled a time to celebrate being together. Have a romantic escape somewhere. Tell each other how much we meant to each other. A night of passion was guaranteed.
And then D-Day hits and you realise you’ve been living in a fucking matrix your whole life. An alternate reality.
Your confidence is shot and you feel like the world’s ugliest, most worthless woman. It takes years to get any confidence back.
Your eyes are open for the first time. It’s a stark and frightful reality.
You begin to notice interactions in a new way — the way men interact with women. How women interact with men. The flirtatious exchanges, the hidden meanings, the knowing smiles.
What was probably already there becomes magnified with your post-affair lens.
And you realise how naive you’ve been all your life.
You wonder if that fat woman’s husband is cheating on her. You wonder if that married man is chatting up that younger, sexier woman he’s talking to.
Because nothing is innocent any more.
Everything is tainted and dirty and underhanded.
Because THAT is the lasting effect of betrayal. THAT is its legacy.
Even now, almost 4 years later, the pain never leaves.
It subsides, sure. You no longer pull over while you’re driving so you can burst into tears. You no longer do the shopping with tears streaming endlessly down your face as you walk the aisles in slow motion. You no longer go to bed crying every night because the person you thought would die for you, killed you instead.
It’s totally fucked up.
You live recalling the lies they told you to spend time with the whore. The “late nights” at the office. The “weekend gigs”. The “Sunday morning runs”. The text messages “from a mate”.
The excuses roll off the tongue so naturally and effortlessly. You have no reason to question any of it.
Until the bomb detonates in your face.
So what is there to celebrate now?
Absolutely nothing. Love don’t live here, anymore.
We stopped celebrating anniversaries post D-Day. I want no mention of it, no recognition of the date, abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
I’ve been doing some spring cleaning around my home recently and came across anniversary cards I’d been given by my cheating husband over the years.
I love you so much. You’re the best wife. I’m so happy we’re together. Blah, blah, blah.
I took great pleasure in ripping up every single one. There was nothing left to preserve. Nothing to savour.
It’s a part of my life that is over now.
To the half a million of you that have read this blog over the past almost 4 years, I’m sorry I cannot give you more hope.
You see, I was one of the ones that thought we’d come out the other side of this hell in tact.
We did couples therapy. We had individual therapy. We talked and talked and fucking talked.
But in the end, it all came to nothing.
We have separated but continue to live under the same roof. He sleeps downstairs, I sleep upstairs. We continue to co-parent our three children, and pool the majority of our money to pay the mortgage, and the cost of sending all three kids to a ludicrously expensive private school.
I don’t know what happens next.
I was recently attracted to someone and even though nothing came of my limerence, it was the first time in almost four years I ‘felt’ something other than depression, anxiety, blackness, emptiness, death.
To feel alive after being dead inside for so long was a surprise to me.
But that’s neither here nor there.
It was what it was.
Life goes on.
This year would have been our 20th wedding anniversary.
Such a fucking shame.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
You always write so real and raw. This is the absolute truth.
Hi ShatteredWife, Yes. as they say in Spanish ‘es la innocencia perdida’. This September is 13yrs since we met, married nearly 12yrs, but for how much longer? I don’t know. Nothing is certain anymore…no stability. Maybe life is always like that, but we hope for more…🌠 Cheers, Lola xx
How does he feel about the in house separation?
I always wonder how long after the reconciliation does the couple split. I will bet the number of couples who divorce is higher than reported.
I hope you find another love. You found out you can love again. That is a gift, and a powerful one.
Hello Moi and thank you for your comment.
How does he feel about it? It’s just normal now. We’ve been living life this for the past 6 months.
And I agree. I bet the number of couples that divorce after “reconciliation” is much higher than reported. Infidelity decimates trust. There cannot be a relationship without trust.
Trust, I’ve learned, is everything. SWxo
Buttinsky here. Apologies.
We also share a house, Moi. We are very, very good friends, even. Been separated for nearly three years. He hates it. But accepts that this is the consequence of what he chose, and that we have managed to keep the finances together long enough to get all kids to uni age at least. Now planning the physical separation. We both thought reconciliation was highly likely, until five years in, when my heart was (and still is) just too broken to give myself back to him fully. So I asked him to move into another room. We live separate lives. He is away for the weekend. I went to a mutual friend’s 50th birthday in another city for the weekend a couple of weeks ago, alone. He was invited. But we avoid going to the same places. Not because we can’t play nice, because we really can. But everyone has willed my to ‘get over it’ and it’s better if they see I haven’t. And won’t ever. Yep. I am the bad guy here.
Thanks, Paula, and feel free to but in any time!
A separation *can* work under the same roof if you have a common goal — getting the kids through school, for example.
Thank you for sharing 🙏SWxo
….And strong ‘rules’ about dating. And how that is to be conducted. Good communication is as essential as ever! You can’t do it with a sleaze who refuses to be discrete, or be honest.
My thoughts as I read this were that I don’t look at the ‘fat’ woman and wonder if her husband is cheating. I look at the stunningly put together woman, and wonder. The ones who work hard, work out, eat well,parent like a boss, keep a home in tip top shape, keep everyone’s lives from falling off the rails. To me, those women (and yes, the good men out there doing the same) are the vulnerable ones.
I don’t believe I will ever feel passion again. Not the way I did for him for 25+years. Still never felt pure joy or any real peace since D-day. Am so glad you know it is there for you xxx.
How funny, I always look at those types of women and think he couldn’t possibly be cheating on THAT.
But we’re all wise enough to know nobody is immune from cheating bastards.SWxo
To be completely honest? I think plainer, chubbier people, the everyday good sorts, the not-super-models, the hard-workers-doing-the-best-they-can, they are often with really genuine partners. Who see past the physical. And love with everything. Those who judge the package on the outside, ‘oh, s/he’s gained weight/got wrinkly/lost muscle tone….. they are so often the shallow types of people who are looking for the next, impossibly pretty package. I often think the wealthier, the thinner, the more Botoxed – they are the ones in the most precarious relationships. A lovely guy, with a bit of a dad bod (that he is no doubt worried about, and working on), who is good to his kids, has a social conscience, yaddah, yaddah. He’s the guy in trouble. As is his female equivalent.
Shit. I got lost there. I just meant that being the ‘perfect’ package is no insurance. If you get my mixed up drift here, lol. Bloody phone screen and thesis addled brain!
That is me Paula,
The put together woman, the professional one, who gets compliments and is looked up to…..but broken inside….
I swing from each group, E. I am mostly super put together, professional, generally slimmer and fitter than I am at present. But I have been a bit frumpier at times, too. As I lost baby weight. As I worked as a dairy farmer. I liked that I could, and DID, scrub up damn well, too. But most of all, he loved me both ways. Until he fucked the whole thing up. He never loved me for my looks. But I took pride in taking care of my appearance. For my own self worth. He was devastated that my self confidence and sense of who I am has been so eroded. Infidelity always knocks you. Even when you know your worth is not dictated by your partner’s, or anyone else’s opinion of you. I think that is one of the worst aspects of cheating. The way it undermines your identity.
It really does undermine your identity.
Yes, that is so true!
Thanks Paula,
Elisabeth
yep!
Wow, horsesrcumin and SW,
I really don’t think the wife’s looks has got much for the errant spouse, and vice versa.
The character is far more crucial than the physique.
A cousin of my husband – an ugly, bald duckling has a side chick (his two wuv), and has a stunning wife.
Similarly, a cousin of mine, who is quite pleasant to look at, is involved with, and has children with a married guy (it’s a mess, one for soap opera).
But looks do help.
I feel you. July for us too. The 3rd, 19 years. Still here together too and still struggling. Trying to figure out if I will ever lose the weight I gained since all this, or get my confidence back. Its been 10 years…10! Kind of blame myself at this point for still trying like its my job to turn things around and fighting for closure with someone who can’t see or understand the damage. It ruined me and I wan’t to feel better but I don’t. You are not alone. ♡♡♡
Four years since the D-Day is a long time.
I feel a pinch constantly when I talk to him. A silent chant of how stupid I was runs in my head.
I am dreading this coming anniversary too. I had escaped last year, the first year post D-Day because I had a conference in another city, but this year I don’t have anything yet.
None of our family know, and they phoned up to wish. My mental yuck should have been converted to some artwork.
This year, my in-laws may be visiting us around that time, and I can please not have the shenanigans.
I am sorry.
Has it ever occurred, why whatever progress you made with therapy has turned out such a dud. What died? How does he respond to this?
Virtual Hugs, your way.
(P.S…I have a sex meter operating on all the couples I now see. One of the fall outs of his wandering self)
yes, shattered wife,,,such fucking shame…I agree!
The matrix legacy is so true, as is viewing other couples interactions.
One couple I know, slightly older than us, were separated for 3 years and then back together and they ‘seem’ happy. I sometimes wonder if time apart would make my heart open again or stop me from seeing the reason for my torment everyday and be able to move on.
20 years 😥 (> ^_^ )>
I took great delight in tearing, burning, cutting or else wise destroyang every last shred of my cheating ex wifes presence in my life. I had a glorious bonfire of her vanities. It was sooooo good hahaha still makes me smile.
Then I get to sit, write, and date. Yep. Date. Whom ever I want, when ever. See, after I starting writing? I met new people who, funnily, liked my brain, liked how I write and what I write, and best of all? Are absolutely she’ll shocked when I say I was a 17 year victim of domestic violence who then had to suffer the pain of discovering her affair.
Well, now it’s 3 years post discovery for me I can say this; I got my revenge, I got the cheating bastards life destroyed, I destroyed my cheating whore of an ex wife in front of all her family… I told his wife, I told his family, I went to town on a dinner party and told every one the truth. Then I burned everything and tossed my wedding ring into the ocean.
Neither of them have a friend left in town. It’s marvelous.
Then, I sat and wrote a trilogy. Now? I seek an agent and make a name for myself. That, right there? Will be my ultimate ‘fuck you bitch’ to a person who worked day and night to destroy everything I ever had or needed.
So…… here is to you. Glass raised. Toast. “To the most honest, awesome, funny and inspiring person I have ever known. Your words were like an oasis in the wilderness, I drank them like a bone weary straggler, and from the ashes I used them as a springboard to reshape my life.
Thank you. From heart, thank you.
I always read but rarely comment, your writing was what supported me through those early weeks and months, gave me something to hang onto that meant I was not going as mad as I felt. You’ve struck a major chord again, yesterday was our wedding anniversary I hate it and everything to do with it, not the best timing but the day before was my husbands sisters third wedding! Sat there listening to them say there vows it hit me what utter bull crap marriage is that line about forsaking all others, well his sister certainly hadn’t forsaken all others due to the fact I was sitting through her third marriage, my husband sat next to certainly hadn’t forsaken all others, I’m still on anti depressants and a nice line in prescription pain killers to testify to that one. The amounts of people wishing us happy anniversary just made me want to tell the lot of them to F off I’m here for the kids plain and simple, we might sleep in the same bed but that’s as far as it goes, I’m dead but breathing I no longer spend all day thinking about ways to kill myself so some progress there.
Hi Zoe, I’m glad you spoke up! I’m glad my ramblings helped you. We all need something to keep us same as we wade through this shit.
Dead but breathing — I know exactly what you mean. Yes, I’d forgotten the thoughts of suicide that overwhelm you when you take a hit this big. My world as I knew it ended that night — but I had a little baby to look after. I held onto him so, so tight. In my mind, not only was I cheated on but also my baby. And I’d already given him my husband’s first name as his middle name. It makes me sick thinking about it. Selfish prick. Weddings are a fucking joke. I had to sit through my brother’s wedding 6 months ago. I was torn.
I will never marry again. What a load of bullshit. SWxo
I too am there…. 20 years on July 26th. My heart UTTERLY crushed as my husband 6 months on still has ‘feelings ‘ for HER! Her that works in his office, her he was seeing behind my back since July 2016. Her he has admitted he still thinks about but thinks it’s ok as he’s not acting on these ‘feelings’! I can’t go on hoping he will show me love again one day. He refuses to get another job and as I work in the same building I have taken the step to move jobs to get away from them. Of course she is married with 3 children and I’ve no idea how she feels about my husband only knowing they told each other last November they had feelings for each other. I found out in December about her and my husband asked for forgiveness asking us to move on from this yet 6 weeks later I discovered he had secretly bought her a Valentine’s gift. I knew then we were over as the trust was well and truly gone.
Now? We’re back from a 2 week family holiday to L.A. that was already booked. I secretly hoped we would reconnect but realise things are just the same. I’ve asked outright if he missed her, the answer was yes. I asked if he thought about her when we’re away and if his feelings for her were still the same? The answer was yes. So I hear myself say wake up and smell the coffee. He claims to still love me yet there is nothing emotional or physical anymore. What I don’t understand is that he seems to be unwilling to move out and acts as though I should be more accepting of our situation? He has over the last 6 months lied about keeping her number, hidden a piece of paper she gave him with ‘their ‘ song written on it, lied about her being on a work night out and secretly bought a Valentine gift for which I found the receipt and empty gift box
What the he’ll to do now?? He’s stopped telling me he loves me since February and seems more angry than me? What the he’ll??
Solicitor?? Separation? Stupid not to. But he’ll say I split the family up and I don’t want my girls (18 & 14) to hate me. It all just breaks my heart. I’ve lost my husband and my best friend. After 23 years together I can’t believe it’s come to this. Any advice would be so welcome.
He’s blaming YOU for splitting the family?? WTF?? I’m so bad reading this right now. He gets to screw around and come up smelling like roses while you get blamed for splitting the family? See a goddam solicitor pronto. Will write more later when I’ve calmed down. SWxo
Michelle, there is a good news and there is a bad news. The good news is that your girls are grown up, and the bad news is that your husband is a true ass.
Honestly, I would say:
a) consult a lawyer, without letting your husband know that you are taking legal advice.
b) tell your girls… compose yourself, and give them facts. Tell them what daddy has been upto. Also tell them how damaging it is to you as a person, and to the family. Let the girls talk to their dad. Don’t lose your cool at any point of time.
c) You know the AP, right? Do you also know the AP’s husband? Can you find out his contact details? Would telling him solve anything?
d) Document. Document. Document.
I am so sorry, Michelle.
Thank you both for replying to me. I would not consider approaching AP husband as I would not want her kids to go through what we have been through. There’s already been 7 months of arguing, mud slinging, blaming and hatred. All I ever wanted him to know was how much he has hurt me but I guess if he cared that much he wouldn’t have gone behind my back with such deceipt and lies. I don’t want to turn into that wife who looks over her shoulder, checking phones always suspicious. The trust has completely gone and not once has he tried to fix this mess. I’ve told him today that I’ve contacted a Solicitor and I am starting a legal separation as I cannot live with the fact he still has feelings for her. All he said was that I wasn’t to jump into a divorce too quickly as he may want to come back at some point in the future!!!
All I ever wanted was for him to say he had made a huge mistake and that she meant nothing, and that all that mattered was me & the girls. He’s stated he cannot give me that.
Your right, my girls are old enough to understand yet think I am being to hasty and should allow him time to get over her?? That’s not what my gut is saying??
Michelle…it is so considerate of you for not approaching the AP’s husband because you don’t want her children to hurt. That speaks volumes about you.
Also, please understand that at this point of time, you are the sane parent of your children, not their Dad.
(In a way, your husband has done you a favour by being forthright about his feelings for this woman. Atleast now you know where your viewpoint about his affair is ranked by him – at the bottom of the gutter)
Have you heard of something called gaslighting? I will give you a sample:
“All he said was that I wasn’t to jump into a divorce too quickly as he may want to come back at some point in the future!!!”
You, the wife, are supposed to wait for the some point of the future where he decides that home is where the heart is. Which may be six months from now, five years on or never. But if he chooses never, and then walks out, he takes all his trump cards with him. Currently, you can think of whether. Later on, it would be his “whether”, and you would have a forced choice.
He is neither remorseful, nor making any moves to end his relationship with the AP. He also knows that you would think a lot before rocking the boat and letting the children know. His crime is also his immunity. Take it in that light.
You have already told him about going to the lawyer. I just hope that you can get your ducks in a row, before he tries to outsmart you.
Please tell your children. Like I said, talk facts, and not your emotions. They must have already perceived the problem at home. But I don’t want your husband to turn your kids against you. They may choose to react their own way, but atleast, if not now, when they turn older, they would see where your pain came from.
You are expecting apology from someone who has emphatically refused to see this affair as any wrong. Any sorry, if it comes, would be fake.
Virtual Hugs.
He may want to come back in the future. Geezus fucking Christ, that is so twisted. He wants her but wants you to hang around in case he ever changes his mind. Michelle, wake up and smell the insult! Sit down with your girls and talk to them. And lawyer up.
I’m so incredibly sad for you. He has zero remorse and wants to carry on as if he’s single. I’d definitely be telling her husband, but understand you’d rather not.
I’m so sorry. SWxo
Please leave him now. Dont act like you are strong because you are not. Just another bitter person who make a mistake staying too long. Should have left before he got cancer(now he can tell people that you left because he is sick) hope he found out about your crush so he can create an olive branch with his children.. he can tell them that you are just using him as a beard for 20 years. Now the world is more open to lbgt you left him. I think the children will forgive him and understand his affair if he knows how to play with words. Tell them things like he wants to be desired cos the wife he loves starts calling another woman name in her sleep years ago.. and i dont think that you are strong enough to handle a rejection from your crush. Just focus on your children. Growing old alone is not so bad. Just make sure you have money to put your self in old folks home. And dont ask stupid shit like will that slut stay and hold his hand when he is sick. Cos if she or another woman will. You will feel like shit esp when you cant find anybody that would stay and grow old with you. Be smart with your money. And dont be so shocked that people that date you after the divorce just wanted sex and your money.. i know cos my stupid wife divorced me. Now i am the happiest man in the world cos i have 3 wife. I have an affair with a lesbian couple that wanted baby. And they fall in love with me. Of cos i am gonna choose them cos they are so hot and rich as fuck. One of them is a trust fund baby. Now i am a stay at home dad whose job is to fuck my wives and make em feel good. They took pity on my first wife and bought her a new home. Ask their friend to give her a handsomely paid job( they pay her salary with their money) a year and a half later. They manage to convinced her to stopped the divorce proceess and stay with me after she suffer a miscarriage and her bf left her.. my first wife is like you. An old bitter lady who just doesnt understand that unlike man. Your age will be a factor to find a new partner. She is not that old. She is only 35.. i dont feel bad for her cos she start having a revenge affair.but i do love her
What the holy fuck?!
Hahahaha! Don’t feed the trolls, SW. 😉😚😎😉
No kidding!
My thoughts exactly!
What? I don’t understand?
Ignore, he’s a dickhead. SWxo
This rings so true for me in this moment. Married 20 years and just recently discovered my wife’s 6 year long affair. It crushed me.. It shook me out of the matrix that was my marriage . She has so much nerve and selfishness within her. And yes, I am the one who works and provides ( she has been an at home mom ) , I am the one who problem solves , manages the money, takes care of myself physically, and makes sure the kids are good. I fucking do it all ! I think at the core of a cheater is an insecure narcissistic child who needs their fragile ego constantly stroked . The learning I have taken from this betrayal is huge. Normally one of the 2 spouses assumes the “parent” role or the “oak in the storm” role. The other one get’s to escape when life get’s tough, be it financial struggles, teenage issues , or even marital problems. These people ( cheaters) are not fighters at all. They don’t have it them to fight for what’s right. They can’t seem to march up any hill unless someone else is carrying the emotional heaviness. They take easy roads instead of blazing a trail.. so sad..
So sorry….your wife does sound like a narcissist.
I was intrigued by that phrase “oak in the storm” phrase. I assume that you were the parent, and the oak, and your wife just sponged off the attention from everywhere.
Why I found the oak reference interesting is that my cheating husband is presumed to be the oak. He is rated excellently at his office, by his parents, siblings and even my parents. He is a picture of integrity. Exactly the pitch used by his AP: “you do so much for everyone, dont you deserve some happiness of your own”.
Ugh.
I read through your entire blog from the beginning and was very touched and also opened my eyes. I am a cheater, married 17 years with 2 kids. I had a 9 month affair with a married woman who also has a kid, about 10 years younger than me. I am early 40’s. She really ended things about 10 months ago and we email about every month now, just keeping in touch really about family and things going on. We used to work together but I left for another job at the same time she ended things. I didn’t leave because of her but bc the new job was a no brainer with so much more money and a step up. I had hoped to stay friends at least, We have not seen each other since things ended 10 months ago. I was very selfish.. your husband was me with the phone and the sexting but I was much worse. We turned physical and we did pretty much everything couples do in bed, multiple times. I was so distracted from my wife and kids. I was and am ashamed of myself. Things are so much better now.. my wife and I get along great now, we were having issues even before my cheating. So what I want to ask you is this.. she knows nothing of the affair, nothing. My AP is equally remorseful and will never tell anyone (I know her very well now and know this to be true). Do I ever tell my wife? I don’t think I want to.. bc what would it do? Destroy her is my first thought. She would probably leave me (don’t blame her) and our kids will grow up with the weekend dad, etc. We are such a happy family now and I have truly learned my lesson.. I will never allow myself to even get close to anyone else. In fact at my new job someone came on to me and I backed right off.. let it be known I want no part of that. But.. there is a small part of me that says she deserves to know.. it’s a very small part however bc I would hurt her so bad by telling her. I’m interesting in your thoughts on telling her or not? I wish you the best.
Cody, I have zero sympathy for cheaters. Tell her and *her* life is doomed OR keep it inside you and the guilt will eat you alive. There is no winner here. You need to ask yourself what made you feel the need to cheat.
You also need to fucking OWN your shit, should your wife find out. Somewhere, down the track, you’ll find you’ve slipped up. She will find something and the shock will wipe her out. What will you do? Lie? Play it down? Tell her she’s crazy?
Either way, you’re screwed. It was a selfish, cowardly thing to do. Your wife will never be the same again. And neither will your marriage.
Cheaters are assholes. I hope you’ve learned your lesson for life. SW
Thanks for responding. I certainly don’t want or deserve any sympathy. I was just interested in your take on telling her. I’ve been on other blogs and was told over and over that telling her was the only option. I just don’t agree. I do agree that the guilt will live with me forever and it hurts more than I can bare sometimes but I would rather suffer in silence than expose my wife and children to this. I have learned my lesson for life.. There are only two scenarios that I think I should tell.. and both will never ever happen. It would be if I cheated again and the 2nd would be if she told me she had an affair, would only be fair to come clean if she did.
The only way she would find out would be if my AP told her husband and he reached out which won’t happen either. If that did happen I would own the whole thing and expect to need to leave.
Why did I cheat? I think you covered that pretty good in your blog. It’s a selfish and assholish act for sure.. I think for me it was the ego boost of a pretty younger woman being into me and that she was easy to talk to during hard times (she was going through a tough time too) when my wife didn’t want to hear or talk about things. It was just a rough patch.. did I need to find someone else to talk about things? Of course not. Does any of this matter? No, there are no good reasons of course, not that I need to tell you that. It was a horrible mistake that I regret everyday. I can’t change the past.. I can only affect the future and I choose to make it the happiness one I can for my wife and children. Thanks for listening.
Cody, mine ended his affair and swore he’d never tell, nor EVER do anything so selfish again. We were having a blast. A VERY good relationship. I thought we had it all. I had no idea he was fucking his ex, but we had recently made some changes to our lifestyle to improve a mildly tough spot I thought we had been in, and that worked a treat, and he let out a huge sigh of relief, phew, he’d dodged a bullet, right?
But I found out anyway. I am firmly of the opinion that you must tell. Many reasons. Because I contracted 2 STIs. Because people deserve to know the truth about their own lives. I can’t underline that enough times! Because he now admits that no one can say they’d never do it again. Hey, they had at least one affair. The line has been crossed. What about the next time you feel like you’re misunderstood/’deserve to be happy’ (poor baby!) I was having such a blast! Not! But I never betrayed him nor put his life at risk!)/think you won’t get caught ‘just this once’/are an entitled arsehole? I have been with one sexual partner ever. I am almost 49 years old. Over 25 years of deep love, hard work, but amazing fun flushed away because he lost faith for a moment or fifteen months.
And if you are still in touch with her – after SHE ended it, you are lying to yourself. Just like you have lied to your wife and family.
Yes, that was the other point I meant to make. If you’re still in contact with her after she broke it off, you’re still cheating on your wife. You have no business emailing her. It’s over! Except when it’s not…SW
I agree with you about one thing and that’s a problem that we still email. I do think (know) I need to end that.. I just need to write the farewell email and be done with it which I will. It’s hard in that we were such good friends before we made mistakes. I do realize that friendship needs to end now and it will. I will certainly never see her again nor do I want to. She did indeed end it but I was having thoughts of ending it myself and was honestly deep down relieved when she did. I guess I was scared to hurt her.. should I have cared about hurting her? No I should not have. I know that now.
I don’t agree with telling my wife.. with all due respect I’m not your husband. I know some people think once you cheat you will again. Believe it or not some do not.. some learn their lessons. How do I prove that? By living a honest life with my family from here on out and never allowing myself to be in that position again. I realize that won’t be proven until the day I die. I know I will make it there.
You have missed the point. Mine is a really lovely guy. With a lot of integrity. I believe he will very, very likely never cheat on a partner ever again. We had a quarter of a century of love, passion and commitment. He just realised, years after D-day, after doing a tonne of work to try to ensure he understood himself, that although he had EVERY intention of never telling me, nor EVER cheating again, that he had to concede that he thought all of those things BEFORE he ever cheated. So if he hadn’t done all the therapy and self reflection he did after D-day, he might have slipped again one day, just as he did the first time. He sincerely doubts it. But he thinks the truth was important, in retrospect. It made him even more accountable than the promises he made himself after he ended the affair, whilst it was ‘always’ gonna be a secret. That was the ‘gift’ of telling. Being able to live an authentic life.
I also have to weigh in here. My husband ended his affair about 4 days before our divorce was to be final. In doing so he ended ALL communication with her, showed me anything she sent him and did not respond at all, stopped working with her (it was a BIG deal in their dept.), and has never been in contact with her again. Had he tried to keep the friendship part going it would have been a complete deal breaker for me.
I feel so sorry for your wife who, like me, was walking around completely oblivious, thinking we were doing so well. Over 2 years later, I still question whether people can really change even though he insists his affair “changed him” (for the better).
Hi becky. I think people can change their behaviours. I don’t think they can change who they are at their core. How do some addicts stay clean? Because they change their behaviours and commit to that. That takes character. The core of who they are. I think my ex is a good guy. Mostly. I think he is generally of good character. He ended his affair of his own volition. He was adamant it was wrong. He was not doing it for me. But for his own peace of mind. I didn’t know about any of it. Until months later.
I guess we each have to decide what we can live with. What our own worth is. To ourselves. I found that I had little self respect staying with mine. I feel it is quite easy to be faithful. To commit fully. To say no! I’ve been there! But obviously different people, in different situations have trouble with no. And total commitment. And consequences. Mine says he felt he could live the rest of his life never telling a soul about his shameful affair with a manipulative woman. I know I could not. It would rot me like a cancer. And that was interesting to me. If he felt that, what other secrets had he, or could he keep? He became very open. There were a couple of things that he hadn’t been 100% honest about from the past that he cleared up. I am just not built that way and it created so many more hurts that he wasn’t the man I loved (who obviously never really existed!) Nothing big. Nothing like another affair, or deliberately hurting anyone. Just a learned behaviour from his FOO. To minimise and lie by omission
I think I do understand.. I just am choosing to go another route. I’m glad it worked out for you and the way your husband did it was the right choice it sounded like for you both. Again I’m not your husband and my wife isn’t you for that matter. I think I’m making the right choice for us for reasons I stated. There is no right answer to the question I guess. it’ best to never get here of course. Believe me if I had to do it over I would not be here.
Cody be a man about your stuff. What we do in the dark will eventuality come to light. Tell your wife and PUT THE WORK IN ! Its not supposed to so easy all of the time. Not to sound judgemental but cheating is the ultimate insult to a partner . Its says ” im a quitter when times get rough or when my ego isn’t being tended to”.
I don’t disagree with anything you said. I just can’t destroy my wife and children to get something off my chest.. in order to make ME feel better. My wife and I are very happy now.. it’s not perfect and there will be future hard times for sure. The thought of doing what I did before makes me sick to my stomach. If I could work this out with her without hurting her and ending in divorce I would believe me. I just know my wife and how it would turn out and I can’t do that to her.. yes ironic I know seeing what I did before. Sometimes people make mistakes and learn from them.
Have you had yourself tested for infections since it ended? Have you stopped emailing the other woman? If you are still in contact with her via any means at all, the cheating behaviour continues. SW
Yes, I am 100% clean, had to have all kinds of blood work for the new job and then for new insurance. We haven’t emailed in 5 weeks, the emails the last 10 months have been very benign, just what’s been going on at work and with families. Like I mentioned we were just good friends before we made mistakes. My next email is to say goodbye and end it, I have been working on crafting it. I just want a balance of not trying to hurt her but also making sure she knows this is a final goodbye and I won’t be communicating ever again.
SW – so question for you.. would you have preferred to never know about what your husband did assuming he woke up himself from his mistake and learned from it and never did it again while rededicating to you and the family? Do you think your life would have been better/happier? Do you think your children would be happier?
Chlamydia and gonorrhea are just two infections that do not show up in blood work. Just sayin’. Mine was completely horrified when I came back with infections detected. His words, ” but she was clean, just had a check up.” Facepalm
A cheating spouse will believe anything? Anything that doesn’t disparage the whore, of course. SW
It hasn’t worked out at all. I left my partner, the guy I truly adored (and still love, actually) for nearly 30 years. We worked hard to try to save our relationship for several years.
And there was no choice. His AP told me via text long after the affair was over. If he had the balls to tell me, I feel it would have made a difference. I can’t guarantee it would have saved us. But I know I would have given him some respect for owning his shit. For finally being honest after he’d fucked up, including giving me a lifelong STI that I had no agency about.
What I still struggle to understand is a lack of awareness, or a laissez-faire attitude about fucking consequences! I had the opportunity to cheat, a ‘ONS’ type of situation. Decades ago. No one would ever know. But I would always know. And I knew I could not carry that burden. Hiding that for the rest of my life. Nope. I knew my conscience could not cope with that. And I actually loved my partner too much to throw it all away for a bit of lust that had no depth to it.
Do you mind me asking which STI you were infected with? How often does it rear its ugly head? What a horrible souvenir from his affair 😦
I was gifted chlamydia (which was treated successfully) and HPV. The HPV has caused some serious cervical changes. I have been on 6 monthly smears since the first abnormal one. I have had 2 LEEC procedures to scrape the precancerous cells off my cervix. There is absolutely NO cancer in my family. I said from the moment I moved in with him that if there was EVER any extra curricular sexual connection, to ALWAYS use condoms. I have not have sex with anyone else. Ever. My parents divorced in the 80s, when my Dad was pushed out of the closet by an AP. I was terrified of him having infected my Mum. It was the very beginning of the 80s AIDS epidemic and little was known except that it was affecting gay men and their sexual partners. So I put up every barrier to contracting any kind of STI. I am the mother who bought condoms and left them in my teenagers’ rooms. I had unexpired ones in his sock drawer. It wasn’t an invitation to cheat. I explained that clearly. I was just ADAMANT I was never going to be put in that situation. To have my health compromised by preventable disease that I had no idea I had been exposed to. My utter FURY at him admitting he never used a single fucking condom with her. For 15 fucking months. And his douchebaggery at insisting she was clean. Huh. Because apparently you can tell by looking. FFS.
Gosh, that is just so awful. I’m so sorry you have to suffer like that, never knowing what the next scan will show up. Consequences, people, FUCKING CONSEQUENCES. 😡 xx
My former BFF, whom I was very close to for about 40 years, brushed it aside with this, “have a hysterectomy.” I just walked away from that kinda ‘support’. It could be a lot worse. Hepatitis or HIV etc. So far it is controlled. And thankfully my child bearing is now done, so it didn’t affect my already compromised fertility. Silver linings 😀. Always about the mindfulness, lol.
Cody,
Are you sure you are thinking about your wife when you say you prefer not to be honest to “not destroy her”? In my opinion, you have already destroyed her, and your family. In my opinion, you are not thinking about her comfort and health (mental, physical) but yours. Because you do not want her to leave you. So, to me, you are selfish yet again. You are preventing her from making her own conscious decisions.
My 2 cents.
Hi Cody.
Just read your post and wonder what has happened with you and your wife. Did you finally come clean or you’r keeping it for yourself? Are you still together? Have you ended your emotional affair with the other woman?
Wish all the best to your wife.
ShatteredWife, it’s been 2 years since I found out of my husband’s affair and I am still COMPLETELY obsessed with the OW. I get told that I am beautiful but this OW is gorgeous and in her 20s. The complete opposite of me hair color, eye color, skin, etc. I am obsessed with who she is. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I am so hurt that my husband was with someone so beautiful while I haven’t had sex in years. Advice please. Anyone!
Are you still with your husband??
Michelle, yes still together
And the triggers…..they are everywhere. I can’t watch movies or tv without being triggered. And the one time I do I see a trailer for a movie coming out and a line in it hit me like lightning because it totally applied to me. It’s like it was written for me. It struck a cord with me so much because the words were so powerful and true I had to look it up online. It must be a sign…..Video at 1:00 – 1:24 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ws0ySFgq1A4
Hi destroyed wife, my heart aches for you as I read your words. I understand what you feel as I too are haunted by thoughts of the ow. My marriage is all but over as I cannot forgive or forget. My husband admits to still having feelings for the ow he still chooses to continue working with and although strong I cannot live with him knowing this. Everytime he looks at me I am wondering does he think of her? When the radio is on I’m thinking does that song remind him of her? It’s like a disease that eats away at you. I have sought legal advice regards separation. I still love my husband and I am still in love with him but I will not be anyone’s second best, someone who used to be adored and loved and now feels like an old worn comfortable pair of shoes that someone doesn’t want to throw out because they were once special. As an individual you have to be able to determine when enough is enough. The torture you are going through is awful but completely understandable, the only puzzling thing is why suffer so long?
I can understand everything you say but I’m still fairly new at finding out. Just over 6 months. I’m not sure I will ever get over this.
My H was a very clever liar. I always thought we had a strong relationship. We shared everything at least I thought we did. However, since my children were 6 and 9 my H has been seeing different women. He claims he only slept with one and all the women I managed to get hold of say they did not sleep with him as they found out he was married and then called it off. Others I have not been able to get hold of but the messages ask them to come to his room following nights out. But he was sexting women, taking women out even to our special restaurants we celebrated our anniversary at, emailing women etc. Now he has been found out why am I the best thing since sliced bread.
All the women were young pretty women. He claims I had not told him he looked good or achieved things. Yet I supported him being away from home to develop his career. I looked after everything. I tried my best in every department to make him happy. This was going on for 7 years. It has probably been going on all my marriage. I have now found a message to an escort agency asking her to meet him where he was living for a short while with work. Not sure if he met her.
Now he is trying to be the best H he can. He says he will never go back there. He only wants me. We see a MC.
I need to see an IC as I am unsure I can get these overwhelming feelings to end it all out of my head.
I’m broken. What worries me from the pain I read in others is that it never really goes away.
I put my career development on hold during his and will never get to that level now. I’m not sure if financially I would manage. Plus I love my H so much. Why?? Because there was no love for me. He says he does with all his heart. I do worry about just carrying on for children. If you are staying separated in a home does this not prevent your future happiness?? Don’t you deserve that?? I’m not sure I could do that. It’s a daily reminder of a life I wanted but can never have with the person I trusted and loved so much but then broken by them.
Your so right, when trust is broken is it ever possible to get it back??? My H is dragging his heels about moving out as financially we will be broken but he fails to recognise that on a daily basis whenever I look at him I am broken too because of his lies and deceipt and subsequent feelings for HER.
You have went through such awful torture and it must be made even more difficult by him telling you how much he loves you. My H has stopped telling me and says it’s because I can’t let things lie!! Of course I can’t knowing he has these feelings? Feelings he states he cannot explain!! As I said before this just eats away at me morning & night like a disease. I feel almost obsessed and just want to let it go but cannot???
Your hurt and worry about ow is totally understandable but can you go on this way forever? My pain is from the last 6 months too and I am already knowing I cannot live with him even slightly liking her. Letting go of someone you love is very difficult but at some stage you have to separate heart & head.
Sending lots of hugs to you. I can tell you are a good person but sometimes no matter how hard we try we cannot make people be what we need & want.
Laurna your page helped me feel normal cause the same time I have experienced similar betrayal. I got cheated repeatedly. He not only betrayed me but he actually killed me and my soul. I can’t get over it. I am trying to work this but only I know deep in my heart how painful it is. Ironic the man who said would never hurt me actually stabbed me without a bit of remorse. I feel for u.
Question? I am 18 months past D-Day and I have my 27th wedding anniversary this month on July 28th. I have experienced many stages of pain during the last 18 months- shock, confusion, panic, anger, rage…..But just recently, I feel like I don’t love my husband anymore. I want to try to fix our relationship and fear being alone, but I’m confused by my recent lack of care for him. I have been struggling to have romantic or loving feelings for him. Even in the months after D-Day, I continued to want him and love him (even experienced the whole hysterical bonding thing), but now I feel like I’m just acting and pretending to care about him. He kisses me and I pull away and feel uncomfortable with any affection toward him. He is trying very hard to fix things and is doing everything right, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling. In fact, I asked him to move out last weekend and he did. I am coping with him being out of the house and even feel more at peace. I know I don’t want to leave the marriage, but I have been able to release much of my anger and anxiety when he isn’t at home. Why am I feeling this way now? Has anyone else lost their feelings for their cheating spouse long after the affair and when the cheating spouse is trying so hard to fix things? Should I wait this out and assume it’s just another emotional phase I’m going through and it will pass with time or is this my new reality? I hate to believe that my marriage is over, but also afraid I’ve permanently lost my feelings for him. Can anyone speak from experience?- Signed, Forever Broken
Yes, ForeverBroken, I can speak from experience (or you could read through my recent entries…) 😃
My husband was very apologetic, doing all the right things a cheater should do to fix things (therapy, reading books, giving me passwords to everything etc).
But after a while, I realised it’s not him — it’s me. I no longer felt the same way about him. Even when he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I couldn’t work up enough love or care. I know that sounds heartless but you can’t fake emotions.
He even said to me at one stage that getting cancer was karma for him cheating on me. When I reminded him that he doesn’t believe in karma, he said “I do now.”
It’s very hard to get over the feeling that someone else meant more to your husband than you. Impossible, even. When the person you loved all your life turns out to be a master liar, you question your entire your marriage and whether he ever loved you at all.
Those feelings nag and nag and nag. Until one day, you come to the realisation that you no longer love him. And that the reason you’re staying is because you don’t want to be alone, or you don’t want the kids to grow up without their father around, or whatever.
It’s a messed up, screwed up reality that you didn’t ask for.
Hope that helps.
SWxo
I’m struggling with this too, I don’t feel love for him anymore… not like I once did. I obsess about the affair and the things he did with the ow and he didn’t do with me. I’m trying to find peace in it all but I honestly hate him!
He had an affair with my friend who lived with us on and off a few months because her husband was being abusive and they had marital issues. I felt bad and took her and her 2 boys in my home. The whole time, I thought I was being a supportive friend and she wouldn’t do such a thing, but the sign we’re all there when my husband and her were in the same room. To make this short, she left to have some time with her family and recover from her marriage which had been a termoil and needed to be away from it all. She went to see a friend got drunk and reckless walking on a highway and was struck by a non marked police car. There was a big investigation and the truth came out. I had to hear about the affair from her husband and my husband kept lying to me about it “only” being an emotional affair. He lied through his teeth and I pestered him for a couple years until he finally admitted about having sex with her. The affair and the mess he’s caused in our home and daily life is hard and I can’t forgive him for that. So, I don’t feel like I love him and I don’t think I will ever allow myself to feel anything for him. I know I’m here because of my young children and someday I find enough courage and stability to leave.
I should also add that my anxiety decreases significantly when he isn’t home. I feel I can breathe.
I thought it may be a phase too, but this feeling hasn’t changed in more than a year.
I’m coming up to 4 years past D-Day this November.
SWxo
Same here, I relax when he is not around. How can we not feel like we have to be forever vigilant? Watching how he behaves with the new young thing at work, at a party. Once the trust is gone, the poison sets in and gradually the loving feelings die away. That is the chance they took when they chose to cheat. I have worked to develop a friendship with my H but the ‘love’ don’t live here anymore. I struggle with respect and trust is gone too, so it is hard work to even maintain a friendship. After all, would you choose to be friends with a liar and cheater? Probably not. Sadly, we find ourselves married to one. Often after years of trusting that person had our back.
The fear of being alone is a limiting factor for many of us I think. Especially as we get older. I have been doing as much as possible to increase independence, and live my own life on my own terms. This has helped me to feel stronger and more able to deal with the effects of the trauma. It’s a work in progress,
Cheers Lola 🙂
” would you choose to be friends with a liar and a cheater”. No, we wouldn’t, yet here we are…… I too am trying to live my life on my own terms and be more independent of him. The fierce love i felt for him is no more and that feeling too is another loss from all of this – I will never feel the euphoria of that again. Do i stay because im afraid to be alone? Probably partially anyway. ALSO worry about the pain it will cause others if we split.
There are so many repercussions to betrayal. Never thought I would be a member of this ” club”! Still can’t really take it in after 2 years. However life goes on. Still one day at a time . K
It’s interesting to read back on this post and then fast forward to where you are now. Life can change on the turn of a dime. The future is such a great unknown, so I try to hope for the best and do a little preparation for the worst, just in case. I am excited to be changing my name back to the name I was born with. Claiming back a part of myself as having his name reminded me of the vows he broke. We are still married but live like friends that are co-parenting a child. I wonder what is in store for us? The fork in the road is up ahead, and not sure which direction we will take. Cheers Lola ☺
Lola, I love that you have reclaimed your independence even though you are still married and are parenting your child together. That is brave and I applaud you. Oddly, as time has moved forward (just over 2 years now), I feel responsible for breaking up my family if I were to decide to leave even though my husband is the cheater. My children are much happier when they see that my husband and I are getting along. We actually look like the happy family we once were. I really want that too. BUT…..I am holding all my negative emotions inside to protect everyone else’s feelings- and quite honestly, because I am tried of living in the negativity and conflict. Sometimes I feel I have lost myself and that my happiness doesn’t matter anymore. At this stage in my healing, I am trying to find a balance between family responsibility and my personal fulfillment. My husband has made a huge transformation during this process and has had a lot of personal growth. I should be happy and should be able to love the person he is now, but I look at him and I’m not sure I even like him anymore. I am so confused about what I need or want; so for now, I try to cope and hope the answer comes soon. I have good days and bad days, but I’m tired of feeling sad and alone. Sending Love and Support- Forever Broken
My husband too has changed hugely. However., although I am grateful for his efforts, my inner most thoughts and feelings tell me it is not enough. I cannot get past the deceit and lies. I also stay at least partly due to family responsibilities but also fear of living alone. I constantly ask myself if I even like him. He has been such a fraud and I feel I have wasted a lifetime living with his lies. It is sometimes hard know how to go on. Sorry to be so downbeat.
Strength to everyone.
Kate. Xx
Hi Forever Broken,
I think many of us find ourselves in the position where it seems like we are the ‘bad guy’ for ending the marriage if we no longer feel ‘in love’ with the person who betrayed us. Firstly, there is no such word as ‘should’ in this situation. We do the best we can and shouldn’t have to feel any pressure to be happy or even pretend happiness if we don’t feel like it, or to love someone who cheated. As time goes by we do heal and most people do find happiness in many ways..perhaps even the discovery of a new self who is more independent and individual. Rather than being ‘half’ of a relationship, we become a whole human being moving along the path we have chosen. Gaining strength in the positive and supportive relationhips we have with others.
A counsellor we saw in the early days explained to my H that it is unfair to place the burden of a final decision on the partner who has been betrayed, and that any decision must be taken as mutual, as the cheating partner is responsible for the situation in the first place. This makes sense to me, and my H agreed that if we split we will be explaining to family and close friends that it was a mutual decision, based on the fact that we were unable to reconnect after his betrayal. The people closest to us know what happened.
Shattered wife wrote a brilliant post on how we should not feel pressured by time to make any final decisions. When the time is right to make changes you will know. That might be making a big effort at reconnecting in a meaningful way with your partner or it may be leaving to start a new life without them. Dr’s John and Julie Gottman (relationship experts) say that it can take a long time, as couples move through stages of recovery, here is a good video that explains how long and difficult the process can be with great comment from John at the end https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZdMI9ZZE2A
I work in the counselling field and am having just as much difficulty with all of this as everyone else, but try to focus on the here and now rather than worrying about a future that I don’t know, and a past I can’t change. Mindfulness practice has helped me to let go trying to control events and people around me, and to move forward in a positive way. There are still bad days, and in my situation he was in love with his AP and was chasing her for over a year, until he caught her. We have been together nearly 14 years and D-day was over two years ago, so it does feel surreal. A bit like Alice in Wonderland, where nothing made any sense, and he was not at all the person I believed he was, and our marriage was nothing like I thought it was.
Sending love and support to you to Forever Broken, and you are not alone, we are all here! Thanks to Shattered Wife once again for this amazing blog where we can vent, share and support each other xo
Forever Broken – funny – your words could so easily have been my words (and that day in particular — the day before I gave birth to my hyper bonding baby!).
I hope that in the past few months you’ve found some peace with your choices or have made other choices. I know we hate hearing life is too short … but it truly is.
Believe me, I get it. I’ve spent many days in the past 8 weeks wondering if I could get past all of this. And if I can’t the world will assume it was I who imploded our worlds … not his affair.
Life truly is unfair.
Shattered – I’m curious — what is your stance on celebrating your anniversary this year?
My 15th Wedding Anniversary is next week – just a little over 11 months after DDay – and H is butt hurt that I do NOT want to celebrate it. I naively said we should renew our wedding vows this year if we survived the fallout shortly after I found out. Now … I just don’t want to think about it.
I haven’t worn my wedding rings (other than twice when I slipped them on from the box in the closet) since DDay. I do NOT feel married even though we are trying to reconcile. I do NOT feel like that giddy love faced girl who walked down the aisle to a man who vowed to love me forever.
Gah. I’d give anything to simply disappear for the next month so that I can stick my head in the sand … 15th wedding anniversary … 40th birthday … 1st anniversary of DDay … all within 3 weeks.
We don’t celebrate anniversaries any more. I no longer wear a wedding ring either. Even though our marriage is in a different place right now, those are the two things I won’t compromise on. Last year was our 20th wedding anniversary. The day went by like any other.
But the affair is no longer part of our life. I no longer think about it or obsess about it. We’ve moved on. This November, it will be five years. I still have full access to all of his devices and accounts. He always shows me his phone screen when I ask what he’s doing.
I didn’t “feel married” for a long time, to the point I seriously considered having an affair of my own with a woman I worked with!!
When I discovered his affair, we were weeks out from a large family celebratory occasion which we had overseas guests flying in for. We were then due to go away with said guests for 2 weeks over the Christmas period. It was excruciating, playing happy families etc so I feel your pain. How long have you been together? SWxo
2018isanewme and Shattered Wife, I felt the need to reply. I no longer feel the desire to honor our anniversary, but we both do wear our wedding rings. He has never taken his off and I have only taken mine off a few times when I was really hurting. Most of the time, I kept my rings on to avoid questions from family and friends and to protect my children’s feelings. While I was struggling inside, I didn’t want to invite unwanted attention until I figured it all out for myself. The rings could be painful reminders and triggers of our broken marriage, but I probably also found some comfort in wearing them (if I am being honest).
It has been 2 1/2 years since D-Day and I would like to report that I seem to have turned a corner for the better. Our relationship is deeper than ever and I am feeling safe with him again. I still think about the betrayal and it still hurts, but I have more confidence in him and believe he won’t hurt me again. We continue to discuss our relationship often, but it is constructive and healthy conversation. We can talk very honestly about what happened and our feelings and needs without triggering into a painful argument. I began to heal when he put his ego aside and consistently provided honest and remorseful answers to ALL my questions and concerns. When he stopped being defensive and started to address my pain, then I started to trust him again. It has taken us both a long time to understand that this is not a quick and easy fix, but a lifetime of nurturing ourselves and our relationship. He has demonstrated that he is in this marriage for the long-haul and is committed to the healing process.
Anyway, hope this gives others some hope.
I want to select a new date to honor our renewed commitment to each other, but I don’t want it to be our old anniversary date. I also don’t want to do a “renew our vows” thing, so I don’t have a good answer. I once read that one couple subtracted the years of the affair out of their years married as a way to not give credit to the years during the betrayal. But that can be confusing when family or friends bring up our anniversary- and I really don’t want to explain myself to others. So for now it’s easier to forget about it and not celebrate anything. If anyone has good ideas to address this, please share.
Shattered – we’ve been together for 17 1/2 years. 3 kids together (our tail baby was actually conceived within days of DDay #1) … and a 4th that he’s raised since my son was 21 months old.
Even though I said I didn’t want to celebrate … my H refused. He bought me a mushy card about our future. He sent me beautiful flowers with a lovely card. He took me back to the church we were married at. All things that truly wanted to make me hurl, scream, rage … because just a year ago none of that would have happened. And … I can’t help but wonder if it would happen again anytime in our future.
I woke up this morning in a funk. This week marks the 1st of the anniversaries of my new hell. He told me he was going to a movie with a co-worker. The same f*ing movie I might add that we saw together as a couple for our anniversary date last year. That same night I decided to take my kids to dinner … my then 8 year old out of the blue drops “I think Dad’s cheating on you.” I was such a fool … when my stupid husband got home that night, as I sit in our daughter’s room putting her to bed, I mentioned to him what was said. And like a fucking idiot that was that. I didn’t ask him in the light of day. I didn’t start snooping then. Instead, it was another 9 days before he sent me the “I think I may just love you as the mother of my children” e-mail … and then another few days before I snooped and found the information.
This morning as I was driving to work I found myself thinking about how on the outside he appears to be trying. But then the thought popped in my head about how miserable I was in our marriage before. What if I’m really NOT meant to be with this man? What if he’s not the man I need?
Gah. I hate him most days for what he brought into our existence and then the pendulum swings and I hate myself for not being “strong enough” to kick his ass to the curb like he tried to do to us last year.
“What if I’m really NOT meant to be with him.” That thought ran through my head so many times. I can’t believe your 8yo knew your husband was up to no good. How did he know?! I’m sorry everything is so shitty for you right now. What caused your husband to snap out of it, so to speak, and come back to you? Sorry for all the questions. I’m genuinely interested in the betrayed women who come by here and their story to date. Hugs to you. SWxo
My ever astute son. 🙂 He’d been watching his dad for over a month (that I know of) constantly texting. He even asked him who he was texting. My husband gave him an answer he didn’t believe. I’m not sure what gave him the courage to say something … but man did I fail that boy when he did. I didn’t believe him. I just brushed it off as he must have been texting for work or something. And I told my husband he needed to have a conversation with our son about what it was that he thought he saw and instead he did some bullshit discussion about how no one likes to be tattled on.
Snapped out of it … she ended it in January. His story makes it seem so innocent but I’ll never truly know because he lied about everything up to that point – why not downplay it to minimize the damage? He confessed in February to continuing communication with her and that she was the one who called it quits. But honestly, I’m not quite certain that he truly snapped out of it until after our son was born … and maybe not even immediately but more like a few weeks later.
I can’t help but feel like he’s full of shit. That everything he says is only 1/100th of the truth. And that I will probably question his motive to being here for a long time. Which is where I’m stuck at and the questions of is this who you need in your life?
I *know* if I didn’t have kids I would have left. I love this man … or the man that I thought he was … but I’m not sure who this man is that lives with me currently. It’s like being in a fun house of mirrors … one minute he looks like the man I thought I knew … the next I get a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of who he was in the affair and in the last year and I’m not impressed with the image.
This is certainly NOT the life I ever expected to be in. And I often wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to NEVER know … and then I realize that makes me sound weak and I hate feeling weak.
Thank you again for this blog. Your journey was heart wrenching to read … and I sat with baited breath for several months for an update. It gave me hope when I first started reading and then made me question a lot of my own circumstances as I went along.
We can truly make any situation work … but whether or not we should for everyone’s sake involved is the $1M question right?
2018isanewme, I totally understand your story. Had every feeling you are having. I had red flags and I never suspected a thing. I felt so stupid and hated myself for not being smart enough to know when it was happening or strong enough to leave once I discovered the truth. But, if your husband is willing to do the work and get through this hell, then keep working through your struggles. My moods would swing violently from one end of the spectrum to the other end. One minute I hated him and the next minute I was afraid he was going to leave and desperately wanted him to love me. In my case, it is getting better now and he is proving he is in it for the long haul. He is committed to this process. BUT, it has taken a LONG TIME for both of us to get to a safe place- 2 1/2 years!!!! For the first 18 months, his ego was big, he was defensive, hurtful, lied, and tried to avoid the conflict. He kept trying to smooth things over and “move on”, but I held him accountable and didn’t let him get off easy. If we were going to fix this, it needed to be real transformation and for all the right reasons. I had to KNOW he understood my pain, was truly and deeply remorseful, and will not do this to me or our children again! We had to go INTO the pain and not around it! He thanks me now and realizes he just wanted a quick fix. He did not want to look closely at his own faults. He saw my pain and moved away from it, because it reminded him of all of his own inadequacies. He had no idea how to address my emotional breakdown that he had caused. Both of us have grown so much in the last 36 months. I know healing and personal growth is possible. I no longer hate him or myself and can finally see a future with him again. My advice to you is- 1) Don’t compromise your own feelings and needs for trust, respect and security. Keep fighting for what you need to heal. Don’t try to speed up this process- it takes time. Give yourself that time. 2) Don’t allow him to avoid the hurt and conflict he caused. Make him be a real man who can truly own his consequences. With consistency and time, everyone can heal. Sending love and support! – Forever Broken (I might need to change my name, because I am healing and no longer feel like my brokenness is forever. Maybe I should start to sign as “Once Broken”)
“And then D-Day hits and you realise you’ve been living in a fucking matrix your whole life. An alternate reality.” That is exactly how it is. I was reading an old book by George Eliot, a female writer under a pseudonym, that was written in 1859. The main character, Adam Bede, is betrayed by a man who once was his friend. The text is “It’s no use meeting to say more hard words, and it’s no use meeting to shake hands and say we’re friends again. We’re not friends, an’ it’s better not to pretend it. I know forgiveness is a man’s duty, but, to my thinking, that can only mean as you’re to give up all thoughts o’ taking revenge: it can never mean as you’re t’ have your old feelings back again, for that’s not possible. He’s not the same man to me, and I can’t feel the same towards him. God help me! I don’t know whether I feel the same towards anybody: I seem as if I’d been measuring my work from a false line, and had got it all to measure over again.” This resonated with me, because here we see someone questioning their sense of reality, and how the betrayal becomes more than just about that relationship, encompassing our sense of self and trust in humanity. A matrix indeed. Becoming grounded again happens eventually, but isn’t easy, and regaining trust is harder still.