They say most betrayed spouses take around two years to get over the worst pain of an affair, “to heal”.
I don’t believe you ever heal.
But as I come up to three 3-year anniversary of discovering the affair my husband was having, I can honestly say the worst is over.
In the past 6 months, my husband has had life-saving cancer surgery, I had a lengthy consultation with a divorce lawyer, and my doctor bumped up my depression and anxiety medication up to 150mg of venlafaxine.
I don’t think the three things have much to do with each other, but they are the most significant things to have happened recently– and they have all affected me to different degrees.
What I can say is that today, I feel different.
I am not angry all the time.
I have accepted the affair happened, and the part my shortcomings played in our marriage.
Whatever those shortcomings were, the responsibility for choosing to have an affair rests entirely with my husband. He had other options but took the coward’s way out.
Following the affair, my husband has been extremely remorseful and apologetic. He absolutely does not want our marriage to end and is committed to doing anything I ask. I have passwords and logins to everything. He is home on time and no longer “works late”. He is no longer on his phone non-stop.
I will always be sad that our marriage as I knew it is over, and I spent a large part of “healing” coming to terms with that.
We no longer celebrate our anniversary and I don’t see that ever changing.
On the bright side, I feel normal again. My children have their mum back.
Don’t ride the criticisms of the naysayers saying you should leave your husband. The decision is yours and yours alive. Nobody else is standing where you’re standing.
Recovery is ongoing but I’m in a different place now. It took almost 3 years to get here, but I’m here.
If you’ve recently discovered your husband was cheating on you, your mind is in much turmoil right now.
Take it from someone who has lived through the shitstorm you’re wading in that it won’t always feel like you’ve been run over by a truck.
Right now, you are in the eye of the tornado, with a million thoughts swirling around your head at lightning speed.
You will get picked up and dumped somewhere totally unexpected every single day.
If you don’t know whether to stay or leave, don’t feel rushed into making a decision. Stay until you feel it is right for you to go your own way. No-one is forcing you to decide. Bide your time until you are sure.
I can tell you that the storm does eventually ease.
You will still have days when you feel like shit. But they are the exception, not the norm.
I hope I’ve given you some hope. You can read my story ‘From The Beginning or D-Day‘ to see how far I’ve come and how many rollercoaster rides I took along the way.
The journey is long and shitty but at the end, you get your life back.
I feel like myself again.
And I wish the same for you.
SWxo
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
Paula: you , Katie H and Pablo’s Wife have been my greatest inspirations. You have no idea how much your words have saved my sanity over the years. Thank you for this gift. SWxo
SW. So glad this post tells a positive story. It’s real. No fairytale ending. Just hard slog, love and forgiveness. I think you and I have had differing opinions about this at times, but I love that we have had robust and honest discussions. I don’t feel inspirational. I feel a lot of failure that my love story wasn’t ‘enough’ and that I couldn’t stay. I still love him. But I couldn’t find a way to forgive either of us enough. To live every day with less than we once had. So, my recovery is also ongoing. With my best friend (Rog) still a big part of my life, and still very remorseful and kind. There is calm now. But still deep grief. You are so right. It’s better. A lot better. But never quite as peaceful and joyful as it once was. Acceptance of that has taken so much longer than I expected.
Much love and continued healing to you and your husband. Both physically and emotionally. So glad your kids have their mum back ❤
shatteredwife you keep on taking care of you!!! wishing you inner peace forever!
Very thoughtful, SW. I don’t know if I can say the same yet. February was one year. I guess I’ll let you know next February. I’m so analytical, I’m my own worst enemy. He says he loves me and wants us to stay together. Well, if you love me so much, you bastard, why did you have profiles on all those sites like Tagged and Skout, saying that you were divorced and looking for a relationship??? And, if you love me so much, what were you doing down in Florida between that whore’s legs? Does anyone see the problem I’m having accepting at face value, all the “I love you” declarations?
So glad to read this. The fact that an affair happened means there will always be some pain, and that’s hard for me to accept still — BUT, that’s the trade off for not losing my marriage entirely.
So glad to hear you’re finally at peace, SW. I have followed your blog for almost two years now (D-Day anniversary this week… But I’m feeling OK!) and I can honestly say that it’s helped me through many dark times.
It sucks to be cheated on but it’s reassuring to know that we’re not alone and that we can turn to each other for support. Thanks for writing your blog, SW. It’s done more good than you can possibly imagine 🙂
Thank you, Lulu, there is such a wonderful community of strong women here. I am grateful for everyone who has ever read and commented here. You have helped me and countless others. SWxo
I am so glad that you are starting to feel better. Our Ddays are only about a month apart. I have not written to share I have had a rough 3 weeks. My husband too like yours has been very apologetic and wants our marriage to work. However, I found out about 3 weeks ago he had been deleting texts from a female co worker. She would send him his workload for the day and then they would “joke around” of and on all day. The calls/texts would start approximately 1 hr before work and stop 30 min after work. I never got to see the texts Bc they were being deleted. I found the number on our phone bill numerous times. When I confronted him he immediately told me who it was and he had been deleting them Bc she was a woman and knew I would be mad. How about fucking FURIOUS AND HURT! He immediately went in to his boss that day and said he could know longer receive them via texts. I am so pissed! Then he discussed out problem w this guy I HATE not a big deal but when I took his phone to confirm it was him… Guess what deleted again. I had copies of his messages word for word and for about 5 minutes he looked me right in the eye and said he did not text him!!! Wtf! I lost it. I even sat my 17 year old daughter down and said I thought I needed to leave.
I am a mess I was literally almost where you are SW. Now I am a mess how do I live with a liar. He has read a book about lying and before he read it he said I lie to avoid the fight! Really Bc just being honest could have saved so much pain. Now I am back with the storm inside my head again wondering WTF.
We too are coming up on our anniversary we do not celebrate it it only angers and hurts me knowing my never will be the same and now I don’t even believe it will be different and possibly better.
I thank heaven for this blog Bc I share w no one.
I am still with him. But basically do not feel married and will not allow myself to feel love or loved Bc when u are and that person betrays you the cut is so much deeper.
Stay strong everyone.
scarred4ever
Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear this, scarred4ever. This is a major step backwards. I’m not so naive to think my husband will not fuck up again, but God help me if he does. I’m sorry this has once again thrown your life in turmoil. I don’t believe I’ll ever love my husband with my entire heart again. I’ll always be guarded and prepared for the worst. That’s what being cheated on does to you. Love and strength to you. Talk to me any time. SWxo
God I wish I was there too! I’m 3 1/2 years out and the sex, oral sex and lies to the whore haunt me STILL daily. Some days just a few seconds but mostly EVERYDAY! I feel robbed that the mind movies are still there (I wish I had a brain injury so I would forget those)
I feel I’m stuck! I have to be medicated to be in this marriage, I now suffer from anxiety and ya panic attacks started this summer (those suck). We just came back from a trip to Maui just the two of us! And of course we got into a huge fight on the plane on the way there. He was cold not acting very excited (our 4 kids were home) and I flipped my shit! He said not everything is related to “the affair”. My head spinned as I wanted to start throwing shit across the room at him. He ruined our vacation I hate him for it! I told him if you weren’t going to go in the pool or the ocean why the fuck did you come?! It’s a valid question? I told him that trip I’m not trying to save this marriage anymore. The ONLY reason I am still here is for the kids! I told him unlike him it’s not about me, they didn’t ask to be here and THEY don’t deserve to have their world ruined because their father was a selfish fucking coward. He apologized a few days after we got back but once again my time my experience was stolen by him AGAIN!
I don’t understand WHY he doesn’t get it? I have gained another 10 lbs on top of the 30 lbs I put on after having our last child two and a half years ago. I feel like shit and I can’t seem to pull myself up out of this vortex of a sinking ship! I am depressed and just sad STILL and it angers me. I have to be medicated to stay sane in this marriage……….its just sad very sad!
Part of me doesn’t care anymore like I just died with his affair and part of me still tries to love him but sometimes I look at his face with such disgust that I spiral into my own worst pain of hell. It’s 4 am on the west coast and I’m up I need to get more sleep I have work in now 3 hours.
I really thought by now I would “be better” I guess I’m better at faking it! I know my unhappiness shows! The sad part is he doesn’t help with my pain it’s almost like he likes it because I honestly believe if he didn’t he would see me going down hill and send me a life jacket but sadly he doesn’t. I guess in his own sick twisted mind he likes me being dependent on him I guess that makes him feel like a man.
Every month a week before my period and the week during my period I turn into this negative crazy bitch! That’s when the affair is brought up the most but every month? Well I know my depression is causing my hormones to be all over the fucking place. I’ve tried many drugs and now it’s time I go back on Zoloft. The other drugs are making me feel crazier (nausea, sick to my stomach, tired or up half the night)
I am so happy your in a better place SW I envy that and I too hope that maybe in a few more years I will pull myself out of this toxic hell and get better! #affairssuck
Loyal One, I also have terrible MI do movies
Whoah! Sorry. Phone. Mind movies. I have wished for a version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Even knowing what I’d lose in that process! My only advice is to try to be kind. Starting with yourself. Be kind to that hurt girl. But also work at being kind to that broken and damaged man who chose this. Has he looked at who he is, what made it okay to choose this as a viable option when he was bored/lonely/sad/feeling entitled? That helped me a lot. When he took responsibility for his actions and choices. Not me telling him. But him owning his own brokenness
Hello Loyal One, I’m sorry your healing is not where you hoped. I’m heavily medicated, too. But for now, it’s keeping me sane. Feeling robbed is a legitimate feeling. You had your life, your security, and your marriage as you knew it, yanked out from under you. Your holiday should have been a happy occasion, and you were robbed of that, too. Don’t stress too much about thinking that you should have been over it by now. We’re all heal at a different pace. It is definitely a toxic hell. And yes, affairs suck. Love and hugs to you. SWxo
What a calming post I’m glad your feeling a bit more settled you have been my go to since I discovered my husbands affair my two year d day is coming up on the 21st Sep, it was the slugs birthday yesterday when my husban bought her Lilly’s even though they were my favourite flower because they were in my wedding bouquet, a coke with gorgeous on the label and a tatty teddy that she called borris that he used to spray his aftershave on do she could smell him, apparently this was the best birthday she had ever had, I asked my husband why that was, he replied she obviously had very low standards she was with a married man for a start, I know her words where meant to wound me and on bad days they still do, but bad days are becoming less and less and I get just a bit happier every day, my brother in law died around d day and every time my husband is expected to sympathise with his sister I get angry because nobody sympathises with me because my husband is still alive I know I sound like a spoilt child but I also mourn the end of a marriage that I thought was special to a new sort of marriage that will never be quite so special, I still can’t wear my rings even though my husband has never once removed his.
Onwards and upwards shattered, long may it continue x
One of the heaviest burdens of an affair is that we carry the pain while our cheating partners seemingly get on with their lives as if nothing ever happened. It hurts like hell. You are right to mourn the end of your marriage as you knew it. My husband never once removed his rings either, but I still don’t wear mine. I stayed, but I don’t need the added insult of looking down at those rings on my fingers and remembering how little his promises meant. Sending you love and hugs. SWxo
I have been following your blog for a long time now. Just passed 16 months of this hell and keep hoping that today will be the day I have peace. Or joy. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? You have given me hope as your journey is so reflective and filled with the good, bad and the ugly. Thank you for your honesty.
This journey is filled with days of hope and despair but it does lessen some as time fills in. It’s just when those damn memories flood back in and it stuns me how quickly I can become overcome in pure grief and disbelief. And the anger. I’m still mad as hell and filled with hate. If one more person [ including our therapist] says I can’t let that get to me I will scream. Like I am doing this on purpose? We just passed our 28th wedding anniversary. And by passed I mean passed it right by. I told him I will never celebrate that day ever. EVER. That marriage means nothing anymore and I can say those feelings will never go away. I think he thought this year would be different now that more time passed but I refuse to acknowledge our anniversary. Hurt his feelings quite a bit but I am not really concerned about his feelings. So yes still angry but still here trying for peace and joy.
The anger is always simmering just below the surface, but you will get to the stage where the anger doesn’t rule your life. Don’t worry about his feelings for the moment. There was a time where he chose not to give a shit about you, which is why you are where you are. Concentrate on yourself for the time being, get yourself, your mind, strong. Healing is a lifelong process unfairly indicted upon us by selfish, entitled partners. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
I’m approaching the two year mark (end of Sept) and I was thinking just this weekend that I’ve changed.
I remember reading something (a Facebook meme perhaps) about choosing the thoughts we have, letting go of the negative. And I thought to myself “I’m so sick of being angry and hurt, it’s exhausting”. So I decided to let it go. And although it should never have been that easy, I feel like I have finally let go of the pain and hurt.
I decided to leave my husband, not because of the affair, because I discovered that he had been sending messages full of innuendo to a 12 yr old. We were trying to make it work, it was 3 months post D-Day when the girls father told me about the messages (from 4 yrs earlier). I couldn’t stay after that.
But interestingly it’s the hurt and pain from the affair that I held on to, the betrayal, the self doubt.
But I finally feel like I’m through the other side (touch wood!) and that I feel almost normal again. I’ve referred to him as Fuckface for the last two years, but have started using his name again. I’m sure there will still be sensitive times and triggers, but the healing has truly begun.
So yes, it does take time, and it’s frustratingly slow. But you do come out the other side.
Lol! I never call my ex by his real name either. These days, whenever I say Arsehole, whoever I’m talking to knows I’m referring to him! And that’s what he shall be known as forever more. I just can’t bring myself to say his name anymore.
I’m so sorry that after trying to make it work, you discover your husband had a thing for young girls. You must have felt completely sick. I felt sick just reading it. Was he in denial? Or did he admit it? Hugs to you, Jellybene. SWxo
Thanks SW. When confronted he did admit to it and acknowledged how wrong it was. The parents laid a police complaint and he was investigated but he just got a warning. He has been seeing a psychologist since D-Day trying to sort his head out. It was a terrible, terrible time realizing I didn’t know the man who I thought I loved, who I had imagined growing old with. But dreams change and broken hearts heal – albeit very, very slowly. There were times where I couldn’t see the end of the hurt, but like you, it has eased significantly.
So glad to hear that the worst is over for you Shattered. That gives me hope for the future. At this moment I still feel like everything is Tainted. I also just (like a week ago) increased my Venlafaxine to 150mg. It does seem to let the thoughts pass through instead of lingering and ruminating.
Regarding celebrating anniversaries…..as you may recall, I discovered my husbands affair the day after our 26th anniversary. He was with the whore (my alleged friend) the day before and the day after. When it was time for our 27th anniversary, I told him I couldn’t be here. I was going away either with him or without him. He chose to come. He still doesn’t know how much he spent on our week at an all inclusive resort. I refuse to be here for our so called anniversary ever again. Haven’t picked where I (we?) are going for the 28th……….
The double betrayal is a killer. You made a great decision to get as far as possible from the scene of the crime for your anniversary. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near my husband either if I discovered his affair on our anniversary. You did well to take him with you. I don’t think I would have been so generous. SWxo
This Friday the 16 th will be my 1 yr of DD and the 23 rd will again be another anniversary ( our 21st) last year he planned to see her on our anniversary weekend which to this day he claims he wasn’t going to go , I don’t believe that at all or he wouldn’t have made up the lie to tell me so he could go,
I am still totally broken and cannot let him touch me sexually, we do kiss and Hug but that’s it I resent her and him both for the pain they have caused ,she told I’ve done nothing wrong I’m single! Like I told her he is married and was off limits but the whore she is she has no morals ,
I have a lot more good days now then the really bad but still sometimes the rage and hurt still rushes in and I feel sick at the thought of it.
I so happy to have found this site to just know how many other good women are out there going through the same pain as I am, my thearipist said the pain is the same as having a child die. It’s horrible they do this to us for a roll in the sack a BJ and to get their egos blown up.
I came across your blog the other night and thought is this woman me? It’s only been a few weeks since I found out about my husband’s affairs… Yes, with an “s”. We have children together and I’m still trying to sort through it all. I told him for now we are separated but I need you here to help with the kids. I cannot wear my wedding ring, and I told myself when I feel healed I will put it back on. He is very remorseful, but like many of the women have stated I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the loss of our marriage, especially that it will never be the same. Now it feels tainted, vile, and just so artificial. Every time I look at pictures I think, is that when he was with so-and-so, and it just pisses me the fuck off! Because it’s not just the affairs, it’s the lies, it’s the memories, it’s the whole aftermath. I’ve been praying, and asking God to help me move past this, because I made a covenant to him on the day we got married. But at this point, I just don’t know know what to do. I drink every night, and then wake up in the morning take care of my kids. He sent me back into such a deep depression, but now I’m considering restarting medication. I’m angry, I snap at anyone easily, and he is just his happy go lucky self, and it pisses me off! Our anniversary is coming up, and I’m petrified, as the word scroll across the page, the thought of the day approaching gives me anxiety. I know it will be my choice whether we celebrate it or not, but how can you celebrate the day you promise to be true to you and make you happy, just to know that he’s destroyed you? I’m so so confused, but mostly hurt. I had him read your blog, and he said the same thing; she sounds just like you. I can’t thank you enough for being courageous enough to share your story, because as you can see, you have helped so many women deal with this this betrayal. A large part of me is still in the denial phase of grief, because I can’t believe this is my life!
I understand your your pain, and was moved to respond. I just want to say as awful as this betrayal is for you, being able to say he was very remorseful may help you in recovery. I understand what you mean – he is just his happy go lucky self. My husband was the same, not a worry in the world about the discruction he caused, and slept like a baby.
It has been over six years since I discovered his affair. My husband was cruel, he told me he did what he did, it was over and he was not talking about it any more. He was not remorseful and had no empathy for the pain he has caused. What was even more disgusting ….a year into weekly marriage therapy sessions he was still having the affair. I regret I did not leave him. I could write a book on the shit I took from this worthless human!
Rock bottom: I asked him to stop having affairs with women at work. That is how low I sunk. The thought I made that statement sickens me now.
I have also taken responsibility for allowing him to treat me so poorly. I gained strength to forgive myself. The thought of not dealing with this brings me pure joy. I gave my all and refuse to carry the shame and guilt of his affair any longer.
The irony, we may have survived, but my husband is a narcissist and it was all about him. A few months after discovering his affair, he tells me it has been enough time and I need to get over it —- he was still in the affair at this time.
The initial affair did not totally destroy any hope of our marriage, over the years his continued affairs, lies, deceit, cruelty, arrogance, and inhumanity solidified my otherwise fluid feelings of hate and disgust of being with him. Now, I can look at him and not feel the pain. My humanity prays for any unfortunate woman that gets caught in his web of destruction.
I wish you the best, with the magnititude of emotions you are going through if your Husband owns his damage and is truly remorseful in actions NOT JUST LIP SERVICE, and support you through your healing process with what ever you need, you can pull through stronger and the marriage can survive if you both want it.
You are stronger than you think! Take care of you and put your health first. Not matter what happens, this period, as awful as it is, will not define you.
Phoenix
Hi Phoinex,
Thanks for your reply, your words are very encouraging. What you wrote about your guy makes me mad! But as you said, he’s a narcissist and nothing you could have done would have helped him. I’m happy to hear you are taking care of yourself and refusing to carry any guilt or remorse for actions he took to hurt you.
My husband and I are now in therapy twice a week. It’s been helpful in terms of hearing things I ever would have thought of…like if I choose to stay, I have to realize who he really is and am I ok with that for the rest of my life and vise versa. I still have days when I actually feel like I hate him. Random thought just pop in my head about the affairs and sends me spiraling. I got through the anniversary, which was a big source of anxiety for me as I mentioned. We had lunch together and that night as we always have done, watched our wedding video. It felt very surreal and I didn’t cry until it was our first dance. Then it’s like all the emotions and promises of that day came back to me. For now, I’m still very ambivalent about our relationship. He’s definitely trying, is more present, he stays in communication with me, and is more affection. But my concern is, how long will this last, and therefore I refuse to let myself be vulnerable again. I will never trust him fully with my heart, and that is why I still don’t wear my ring, and if the opportunity arises to meet someone else I will take it. I know that is not the best train of thought, but at this point I really don’t care.
Again I thank you for your reply, and I wish you all the best in your journey to your best self!
Oh SW, your story is so poignant.
I am just a few months in, and it’s already killing me that we will receive anniversary wishes, when I just want to plug a cork, inside his throat.
I am again in one of my moods, and really depressed.
The life I thought was mine, is so over. I haven’t walked out yet, and am not sure if I will. But I will mark this post of yours as an epilogue of the alternate endings to a marriage where there has been infidelity.
As Esther Perel said, “Staying is the new shame.”
Hugs.
Oh honey a few months in is still so raw. Please know that these feelings are so normal at this stage. I am a little over 2 years out and there are periods where everything feels much better, but I’m having a rough time with triggers right now, so don’t feel like you have to be over this in a few short months. I’m so sorry that you’re finding yourself in this club, but everyone here is so supportive and kind 🙂
I understand what you say about the triggers. His whore is still in our lives, so life is awful lately.
Take care, and hugs.
I’m so sorry she’s still in your lives. That makes it so much harder. My husband’s “One-night whore” was also his co-worker. Granted he was always on the road and she worked in the office, but their paths still crossed and it killed me. He remained at his job for a year and a half after the incident. It really helped that he finally quit and moved on. Unfortunately she lives a town over, so I still see her occasionally in stores, etc. I really hope that someday when I see her, I don’t have an anxiety attack.
Us faithful didn’t ask for any of this and it’s so unfair. Sometimes I wish I could stop loving him and that he wasn’t doing everything he could now. Please take care of yourself and give yourself time. Hugs back to you xx
Thank you Brokenpieces. I now feel that it was all meant to be. If not her, it would be someone else. Just sucks.
SW, I’m so happy to hear you’re finding some peace. I had been doing better, well at least I thought so until recently. The depression has returned with a vengeance and I find myself going through it over and over. I think the EMDR and marriage counseling has opened it all up again. It was 2 years for me this past May and I can’t even explain how tired I am of this carousel ride. Your post gives me hope that it will eventually get better. I’m just beginning to wonder how. This mind f&*( is truly exhausting. I’m sorry to be such a downer. Thank you for posting your progress, it truly gives me some hope xx
Very humbling and hopeful. Thanks it’s what I needed the hear
Hi SW. Thank you so much for your blog. Despite having a D-day just over a month before yours I’ve only just found your blog – and it gave me warmth.
I should probably say up front I’m a male BS: I know there’s plenty of “all men are bastards” sentiment, which I wholeheartedly understand with what’s left of my shattered heart, so I hope I’m not unwelcome here.
I’m 49 and have been with my wife since I was 20 – we’ve been married over 20 years now. She had a three year affair with a former lover from University who she’d contacted to on social media. He was apparently the love of her life. Also married. Also with two teenage children. He used to come to our house while I was at work – or she used to go to his. When I found out he dropped her like a hot brick. I was devastated – apparently our marriage had problems, again not something she’d thought worth mentioning to me. I accepted my part in the situation – stress (and with hindsight depression) from my job didn’t make me the best of company. In the aftermath I was supportive of her, as she was grieving the loss of her lover. She fought to stay in contact with him, wouldn’t talk, lied. I got zero support. We tried counselling: she lied there. I was so in love with her at the start that it took me 6 months to get the message that she couldn’t care less about me. She made my entire life a lie, yet to my face and the outside world pretends everything is fine. So we just don’t talk about it.
Last year she friended another ex lover on social media “nothing in it”. But there is a glaringly empty digital audit trail.
But I’m still with her. I swore I wouldn’t have my kids coming from a broken home. But it’s killing me inside: both hating and loving someone at the same time. I found your site searching “shame”.
This is the first time I’ve shared this with anyone but the marriage counsellor. The emotional roller coaster you blogged is so familiar to me, and made me feel less alone.
I guess I’m at a crossroads: I wish you luck at yours.
Thank you.
Once Human.
Hello Once Human, male or female, all betrayed spouses are welcome here.You are free to rant, share, and question here. We’re all in the same boat. This is a safe and loving environment for those dealing with the aftermath of an affair. I must say, I don’t know how you endured your wife “grieving the loss of her lover” and supported her through that! She was the one who cheated and pulled the rug out from under you… Trust me, I understand the shame from staying. But you know what? I think it’s admirable to not want your kids to come from a broken home. I was the same. Be careful, though. You will shrivel up and die if you don’t get help. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to not hold it inside. Hugs to you.SWxo
Thanks so much for the response SW – and for the warmth and welcome. It’s funny, above is the first time I’ve thought about the whole time line of things since I lived through it. Looking back I’ve no idea how I endured it – it’s as though it happened to someone else, which I guess in a way it did. I just wanted to make things better, and thought that as long as I stayed gentle and didn’t say anything I couldn’t “unsay” later then it would work out for the best: we’d be able to build it back stronger. I was completely wrong obviously, but it seemed to make sense at the time. You’re right – it helps not to hold it inside.
The shrivel up and die thing is very much on my mind of late. At times I’ve started to feel that this pain and shame defines me, and I’m not going to allow that to happen. That’s not going to help my kids, and they’re the only reason I’ve stuck with it. I don’t know yet what the next step is, or how soon, but I know I’m not settling for this.
Once Human
I have never been on social media- don’t know if this qualifies. I just discovered my husband of 27 years has been in a relationship with a co worker of his for the past 2 plus years.
We have grown apart over the past few years as our 18 yo son has been involved in active addictive, got sober – only to b diagnosed with testicular cancer in January of this year.
Needless to say- u have been obsessed with him, her, it. I am a nurse. Trying to work while also dealing with a very ill son.
Your report is exactly how I am feeling.
We are going to start marriage counseling tomorrow ~ as he had said he wants only me!?!?!?
Please respond- or lead me to s group of women whom I can connect with!
Hi Karen, I’m so sorry you find yourself here. The discovery of an affair is a soul-destroying experience. A 2+ yr affair is not insignificant. Your husband will have to try so incredibly hard to win your trust back. It’s a long, painful road. You are welcome here any time. Read through all the entries and comments. You’ll find a wonderful support network here of other betrayed spouses (BS). Love and hugs to you. SWxo
Oh Karen! What a hard place to be in, with the major illness and his cheating.
I am a lucky betrayed wife too. Husband chose to bang another woman, but he wants to be with me only.
There are lot of places you could go to….Chump Lady, Shattered Wife, Marriage Recovery Blog, Betrayed Wives Club, and a whole galaxy of blogs you could visit for support.
Thanks for your support!
I’m in the early discovery phase. My emotions are all over the place…
Hence this question:
Am I insane to want to know the intimate details of conversations my husband had with this woman?? I need to know what was shared, where they went, how they felt.
I also can not get past– he stated he loved this girl the day I found the evidence of the affair… So he says its over?!?!?! How can someone do that. After a 2+ yrs relationship????
I feel so lost!
Karen, absolutely 100 per cent normal to want to know about every conversation, every word, who said what, in what order. This is your brain’s way of trying to put together a puzzle. At the moment, everything in your head is disjointed. You are trying to make sense of your life without having all of the pieces. You will ask questions and more questions, then repeat these same questions. You are not insane. This is the standard, text book reaction. You have a long way to go, and that is also normal. Be strong, stay alive, visit here whenever you feel the need to connect. SWxo
No, you are not insane. I cannot tell you how I stabbed myself deeply just asking my guy about where he touched her, what part of his she liked. Did he run his hand in her hair?
There is a TED Talk on cheating/adultery that I saw way back post-discovery, and though she talks about mending marriage, she does caution that the betrayed spouse must completely do away with the urge of asking intimate details about the sex-fests of cheating spouse and affair partner.
I knew that, but I asked. I can tell you the places in my house where she stood…the towel she used (I eventually cut it up into small cloths for cleaning mess etc).
Your being lost is expected. I keep digging, but I am lost too. Mostly, I try not to dissolve myself in my misery.
Glad you are doing better. Been 5 years next month….and I was just diagnosed with Major Depression and PTSD — all from his affair. I am not the same nor will I ever be the same. We are still together, but after all this time of trying….not sure we should have stayed together. I wish you the best.
Wow, 5 years and you’ve only just been diagnosed with major depression and PTSD? I’m so sorry you are still suffering so terribly. Why did you decide to stay? Love? Children? Something else? SWxo
It was his 2nd one in a 10 year period…very heartbreaking for me after all the time it took me to trust him again. I only recently went to doctor — I could feel changes that I did not like — becoming very mean/hateful or crying at every single thing. Thought it was the ‘change of life’ (as if my life didn’t already change), so I was very surprised to hear the words MDD and PTSD….started taking anti-depressant which has helped but waiting to get in with a therapist. I thought I stayed for love but can see now that I stayed because he cried and I felt bad.
Hello Maggy.
I will enter into year 9 soon (wow, what an anniversary…). I still have horrible days, filled with flashbacks. Some days, my wounds stiff feel very raw. I know I will never be the same. I will never love and trust like I did. Some of my dreams, my beliefs got shattered and can never be fixed. That is the hardest part for me. His affairs, how he treated me or allowed others ot treat me are memories that cannot be erased.
You do not share much about your story. But I would tell you there is no set rule “if he cheated once, then it should take x time to get over it”. Of course, some cases may seem worse than others, but how you feel is how you feel. You cannot compare what you may have lost with someone else because the relationship with the spouse and entourage is different. Somehow, I feel a connection with you, because we are still struggling, even as water went under the bridge.
Whether we leave our spouses or stay, I believe we will carry this silent trauma for the rest of our lives. It does not sound very encouraging, years later I am still struggling with acceptance of all of the implications. Take care of yourself, hope the therapy will heal what can be healed.
I am really glad to hear that you have peace in your life. It is a hopeful message. Right now this seems an unattenable place to me. It’s been 6 months since I found out. I’ve read that many people manage to survive this and build a stronger marriage. It sounds like you are on your way to achieve that and I am truly happy for you. In my case things are stiff fuzzy. We’ll see where the path takes us.
I wish you wholeheartedly great happiness and thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and helping us feel less lonely
Thank you for your kind words. Six months in is not a great place to be. And being anywhere other than the hopeless place you are now seems impossible. But your heart will mend (and harden) and you will come out of this alive. Please come by here any time. This is a safe place for you to vent and share. Hugs to you. SWxo
Wow stumbled across this sight and surprised so many people feel the same way. I found out in 2012 my husband and cheated twice and I only found out then because I thought he was having an affair with a best friend of his who killed his self.
Its been four years for me but much the same as you ladies I no longer love him but have three children although are now older a home and a business together separation would affect everyone.
I no longer class myself as married haven’t worn my rings since D day and do not celebrate anniversaries, why would I.
I too hate myself for not leaving, I cannot even look back at photos or what I thought were happy time. I do not take any medication and have good and bad days. Its always the silliest of things that spark off a rage in my head.
Life for most part is downbeat but I thought I was the only person all the years on to still be affected by what he done. Guess I’m not mad or indeed alone. Wish you all find peace and inner happiness.xx
Can I be as rude to ask if your children were older or you didn’t have children would you still want to stay with your husband?
I am actually interested to see how many people here are truly happy in the long run? It sounds like a lot of people made a decision to allow their partners to stay and now they feel like they are stuck with their choice.
I could be wrong?
My peace occurred when we finally separated. No more faking it. When I looked back I wondered why we didn’t do it earlier.
He is still one of my good friends.
If we didn’t have kids, I would have likely walked out. SWxo
Danielle,
My husband may be shitty as a husband, but the kids adore him. He is a good Dad.
If there were no kids, I would have been out of the door.
To answer you, I am in a limbo. Don’t judge me for being this way.
No kids, walked out. Still hard at times as his cheating shattered my dreams of having a family with him. Now I’m not sure if I ever will as I find it so hard to trust someone like that anymore.
I don’t believe a betrayed spouse EVER gets back to “normal” – you just have to accept a new normal. Once your heart has been trampled to shit, it doesn’t return or recover – that precious trusting heart is gone forever, and you develop a new heart, a new self identity and if you stay, you develop a new marriage. It’s never better, and those that say it is are deluded. It can still be good though if you consciously stay for YOURSELF – not for him, and not for the kids. He doesn’t deserve you and the kids don’t deserve a cheating lying selfish shit for a father.
I stayed for the money. I fake how much I love him every day. Narcissistic supply for him. If he knew that I thought he was a pathetic weak lowlife, he’ll call it quits. It works for me. I have a great life materially, lots of friends and family that I love. I would never trust another man ever again anyways, so at 51, I made the choice, for ME, to stay. For the money. He’s my retirement plan and I have chosen consciously to live with that.
I love him and hate him at the same time. I knew very shortly after the first few delusion “I forgive you” conversations that I never really could forgive or forget. Understand perhaps, but nah, you throw the dice on your marriage and you deserve to take the fall. But some of us silly spouses hang around don’t we. Honouring our vows and all. But do they change? Nah. I certainly will never be stupid enough to trust him again. I faced reality. I know he will never keep his dick in his pants. Not in the long run. No matter how much he loves me. Cheaters don’t change. They just don’t. They don’t learn and they don’t change. The next d-day is only ever around the corner. I’ve circumvented the inevitable and decided to enjoy myself as well. We’ve become swingers. I like fucking other men now. Most of them have a bigger dick than he does. C’est la vie et c’est la vie que J’AI choisie.
….and now seeing my typos 😐
Well that’s interesting! I think I would like to do that too, but don’t know how to find someone to do it with at my age, 63.
I recently discovered that my husband had affair with a coworker for a couple of months. He swears it was only a one night stand but I dont know what to believe. Now that woman is pregnant and he says he is not sure if its his. My mind has not been the same ever since and there are days that I love him and days that I want to strangle him. He has lost all contact with her, changed jobs, and comes home on time. He is more involved at home and with our daughter. However, I cant shake this feeling off, will it ever go away
I don’t think it ever goes away. It is impossible to deny that during the affair our husbands chose someone else. How can that feeling of rejection ever go away? I’m not a robot. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.
I don’t think I’ll ever have a day where the thought of it doesn’t pop in my mind. Where I don’t imagine them together, wonder what intimate thoughts they shared.
Life just won’t ever be the same…
Hi.. I’m glad I chanced upon your blog. Happy for you that you’ve found peace. But not for me at all. I’m still struggling with my husband’s affair which I found out 5 months ago. Their relationship ended 1 month after I discovered. The pain is still so fresh. How I wish I could move on but no, the painful memories still keeps haunting me. I do not know how to pick myself up.
Everything is never the same again although my husband is trying hard to build up my trust on him. I still don’t know if I’ve fully forgiven him. I’m still stacking the intruder on instagram and she’s starting afresh with a new boyfriend now. I don’t know why but my hatred made me wanting to take revenge on her. I’m trying ways to break them up. I know it’s very wrong of me but I can’t control myself at all.
I really hope I can reach the stage of peace like you but I knew I’m still far from that…..
Oh ya.. Didn’t mention that going home is one of the most terrible thing for me. They’ve once make out in my room, on my bed when I’m overseas. So now, I don’t sleep with my husband. He sleeps in the room, me in the living room. I can’t stand the sight of my bed..
I know exactly how you feel, Veron. Coming home the weekend I found out (after a friend’s wedding in the country) was heart breaking. I remember getting out of the car and bursting into tears and saying that our beautiful home was no longer the same.
Fucking the whore in our marital bed was one of the last truths he told me after many denials (trickle truth) because he was absolutely terrified of my reaction.
This happened two weeks after D-Day when I’d still been sleeping in that bed alone!! His original claims that they only ever slept in the second bedroom just made no sense to me as he had told the whore that that was his daughter’s room!!! He was so fucking retarded.
Like you, I couldn’t sleep another night in our marital bed. In fact, I moved out of our home the next day for good and stayed with my best friend until I found a short term rental. He sold our home about 5 months later.
I also made sure I told the whore myself that she’d slept in my bed as she was lied to the entire time and didn’t know he lived with me and not his teenaged daughter (from his first marriage)! It was an emotionally traumatising but satisfying moment telling her she’d been deceived their entire relationship. She was mortified.
Did you have any anxiety and depression before this? Or was it solely brought on by the affair?
I did, but it was compounded heavily by the affair. SWxo
I wish I was at peace, it’s been 5 months since d-day and I still hurts like yesterday. Does anyone else constantly want to beat the living day lights out of there partner. I am not violent and can’t even kill a fly never mind hit another person but since d-day I constantly think about breaking my finances nose (haven’t actually hit him and I wouldn’t) but I go through stages like the film “mean machine” the monk who has the little day dreams about beating up the guards. I don’t just feel angry I feel rage, im like one of the zombies from 28 days later. Foaming at the mouth, arms flailing, running at full speed after there victim to rip there head off and eat them. My fiance only has to laugh at something on tv and I’m in rage mode ” How the #@#$ can you laugh after what you have done to me, how can you even smile you disgusting lieing cheating pig. I think I need help 😦
Hi S, if you read this blog from beginning to end, including all the comments, you’ll see the rage you feel is 100% absolutely normal. The anger, the I’m-gonna-kill-him rage, the snapping at every little thing, the feeling line you’re going to explode — all very real and all very normal. The thing that made the biggest difference for me is time (your body needs a lot of time – years – to process this shit, and meds (150mg of venlafaxine).
Your first starting point should be your GP. Do you have one you trust?
Five months is still so incredibly early in the process. I know it feels like you’ve been dealing with it forever, and you think you won’t ever feel any different again, but I promise you you’re wrong.
Get help and stay sane. He doesn’t get to break you. Say it. YOU DON’T GET TO BREAK ME.
Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Are you going ahead with the engagement and wedding?
Will you still be posting? Or is this your final post?
I will keep posting when I can : ) SWxo
Did you really get your life back? Not from what I read. You will never have the same life back. You don’t even celebrate your anniversary, believe me, I get that, but it does not mean you have your life back. You can never go back and frankly you shouldn’t want to. I wish you the best, but I can’t help but wonder if getting your life back doesn’t include JOY and Bliss with no triggers and haunts that the person you gave your soul to gave theirs to someone else.
Get my life back? No. But I am at peace with myself (the drugs help). I am no longer tortured by never-ending questions, self-doubts, uncontrollable tears, or punch-him-in-the-face anger. I have accepted this is our “new normal” and am getting on with my life raising three children and working. I’m at peace. Life goes on. SWxo
SW – I have been following your blog since my discovery in April this year (it has been my lifeline at times). Like yourself, my husband had an emotional affair which I discovered quite by accident. I never suspected a thing so it hit me like a ton of bricks. It had been going on for 8 months.Like so many others I never ever thought he would do this to me. Our friends regularly commented on how much he adored me and how you could tell by the way he looked at me. Obviously, they were wrong!
He had been taking her advice on his career (at the same time he was talking to me about it) and how to protect our children through their teenage years (she doesn’t even have any children!!) etc during their flirty coffee meetings, emails and texts all unbeknown to me. Hurts a lot to see your husband saying the things he used to say to you when you first got together 17 years ago to another woman. He’s a one trick pony it seems!
He is very remorseful, doing all the right things and we’ve been to counselling.
What I really want to know is do you think it was worth going through 3 years of this shit on a daily basis to get to where you are today? The lows are so bad that I often wonder if it would just be easier to walk away now than endure it for years to reach a compromised level of happiness that I never wanted.
SO SAD, you did not ask me, so I’m just throwing in my two cents. I think that any woman who is young enough and financially able should get out. Why? Because you never get over it. The hurt, the feeling of rejection, the pain of him wanting to be with someone else. It just never goes away. The hate, the rage, the desire to sock him in the face…now those feelings do subside after a good while. But the feeling that you never knew him, that he was not loyal, did not have your back…never goes away. The questions in your head, “does he really love me, how could he, and do that?” never go away.
We all deserve to feel like we are number one. We all deserve better.
Jan
Hello Sosad, I have been thinking about your question for a long time, long before you asked it.
Was it worth 3 years of my life to get to where I am today.
In my circumstances, the answer is yes. At the time of my husband’s affair, I had three children aged 5 and under; one of those was a newborn. I had no job and no income. What could I do in those circumstances? Where could I go?
I stayed for my family. I went and saw a divorce lawyer and she laid it all out for more. The minimal settlement. Sharing the children. Not seeing them on weekends. It was awful. I chose the lesser of the two evils and stayed.
My husband has expressed remorse and continues to do so to this day. Before he went into cancer removal surgery a few weeks ago, he took me aside and cried his eyes out. “I know I don’t deserve this,” he said, but if anything happens to me, please don’t tell our children [about the affair]. I know it’s not fair of me to ask. But please, please don’t.”
I continue to have completely unrestricted access to his phone and computer. He calls me every day at 5pm when he finishes work.
He treats me differently.
We are happy.
So yes, I’m glad I stayed. I would not have wanted to walk away then spend the rest of my time regretting it. I wanted to give it my best shot.
No regrets.
And if he does ever happen to cheat again, I will not fall apart. I am stronger and survived the worst period of my life.
Love and hugs to you. SWxo
Thanks Jan for your honesty. I’m really grateful to hear from anyone who stayed after the affair and can comment on whether it was worth it or not.
If you don’t mind me asking, how long is it since your discovery? I’m not financially independent as I only work part-time at the moment but believe me it is in my long-term plan to be so! I fully intend to get myself into a position where I’m not staying just because I have to!
You’re right we do deserve to feel like number one otherwise really what is the point??
Hi So Sad. I discovered in February of 2015, so going on two years ago. My husband had set up a profile on the dating site “SKOUT.” Advertised that he was divorced and looking for a relationship. Well he snagged one, a tramp half his age who sent him nude photos then they started meeting at motels, then he got brave enough to tell me lies about going off to equipment shows with guys but really he was going to her house for long weekends. This went on for three months. I finally got suspicious about all the equipment shows. She is a worthless skank, not even pretty, but the “young” had him hooked. He would never have left me for her. But the fact remains, he was mesmerized and couldn’t stay away. It was not a one night stand. A one night stand I could get over. Just sex, okay, I would get that. But there was more to it than that. They were getting to know each other. Sharing intimate details of their lives. The stabbing pain of the knife in the heart is what never goes away. I’m financially independent, but older, 63, and he is 76. So really not good for either of us to start over at this point, and I do care what happens to him. So here I stay. But if I were twenty years younger….I’d be gone. Because I know I deserve better.
Hi Jan, I said the same thing to my husband re the one night stand. Could get that maybe he had too much to drink and did something stupid once but deliberately going behind my back for 8 months and lying to my face when I questioned him about her once I can’t forgive.
I’ve read numerous books which say it’s not about the betrayed spouse it’s about the unfaithful but how can we not take it personally? Being told he never thought about me when he was with her and that she was different and interesting makes me feel even more worthless.
Only time will tell if I can get over it or will have to move on for my own sanity and self-respect.
So sorry to hear what you’ve gone through and I can totally understand where you’re coming from re leaving. Look after yourself and I hope you too find peace in time.x
Yep. My husband explained that she was “new and different.” He said I was old news!! He said he. Felt life was passing him by. Selfish pig.
I am a little wary of commenting, but I just wanted to say a couple of things.
The comment –
“I don’t believe a betrayed spouse EVER gets back to “normal” – you just have to accept a new normal. Once your heart has been trampled to shit, it doesn’t return or recover – that precious trusting heart is gone forever, and you develop a new heart, a new self identity and if you stay, you develop a new marriage. It’s never better, and those that say it is are deluded. It can still be good though if you consciously stay for YOURSELF – not for him, and not for the kids. He doesn’t deserve you and the kids don’t deserve a cheating lying selfish shit for a father.”
I think as harsh as it is, is very accurate. You should only stay for yourself. No other reason. I was a selfish bastard. I was hurtful and deceitful. When someone treats you like this you don’t go back to “normal”. Instead you have to decide if you can become someone you will love. If you can, then you may entertain the thoughts of staying, if not, find a way out for yourself.
You are not doing yourself a favor or your kids. You are teaching them that it is okay to be treated that way. If you can love yourself and forge a new marriage then there is value on staying and teaching your kids how to fight through adversity.
I would not want my wife to stay if she hated herself and had to just get by. I would not want this because I do love her and while I want to earn the chance to make her happy again, but because I love her and she deserves better than what I have given her. She deserves to not have to live like that everyday. She deserves to feel valued in our relationship. If she cannot feel this way I would hope for her sake she would leave. It would kill me, but I would be deserved of it.
The other point is everyone’s anniversary and not wanting to celebrate them. We went through this and still go through it. Our counselor pointed out that you will always have that date. It is yours and will never go away. You can choose to have it as a painful reminder or you can work to reclaim it. Maybe you start the clock over. Instead of 20 years of marriage, you start back on year 1. Anyway you look at it, it is your date and you choose whether or not to let the AP ruin it.
None of this is easy and without a truly remorseful spouse, impossible. What I can say is that while every thing you once knew is gone, it does not mean that everything ahead of you is full of pain, anger and resentment.
I hate myself more than ever and I really don’t know that will ever go away. Everyday when I look into her eyes, I am reminded of everything I threw away and will never get again. I don’t believe this will ever go away, but neither will my love for her. I just have to work hard to show it as we both recognize we should have both been doing all through our marriage. But only I chose to have an affair. And I have to live with that even if she leaves. She will always be able to say to herself that she was faithful and honest with me, and that will always make her a better person than me.
More than I wanted to write but hopefully a little helpful to all of you hurt souls.
It’s nice to read a positive article about life after the discovery.it’s been almost 3 months for me since I discovered my husbands “emotional affair”. Whatever that means. It’s been rough, but I’m trying to see the light at the end of this very long tunnel.
Long it is, but you will get there if that’s what you both truly want. Three months in is so very new. The road ahead is a shitty one. But you’ve got to go through it to come out alive. SWxo
Well it’s what he says he wants… but who the hell knows what’s real and what isn’t, right? I know it’s what I want, but I feel that my life is no longer in my hands…. it’s been a shitty road so far, I can only imagine how itll be for the next… well… years probably. It helps knowing I’m not alone, as fucked up as that sounds.
It’s comforting to hear that the bad feelings and upsetting emotions gradually disappear. It’s been almost two years since my ex-husband left me, lied, and I discovered his two year affair via the internet. The feelings of anger rise and fall and I’m currently struggling with yet more financial arrangements that he’s left me to deal with. I can’t wait for the weight to be lifted. Xx
It’s been a two years and four months since I uncovered my husband’s indiscretions (we stayed together), and today I found your blog through Google, searching “two years after an affair it still hurts” (I should probably streamline my search terms…haha). That confession alone should say enough about my current mood. Yes, it still hurts. But until now, I questioned whether or not I was perpetuating the pain purposefully — why? I don’t know. Maybe drama? I like being sad and broken? It gives me an excuse for underperforming for two plus years? No! I’m not choosing this! I know now it’s not abnormal to still feel hurt this long afterwards, and for this, I thank you.
Now reading ahead and seeing you’re “checked out” is a tad concerning. I’ve been feeling similarly as of late. It scares the shit out of me, to be honest. I guess I’m not as checked out as you are yet. We’ll see where I am when I hit the three year mark.
I sincerely want to love him again. Consistently. Not this “want you so bad”/”get away from me, you disgusting pig” kind of way. I feel like a robot who’s had water poured all over its circuit boards. Sparking and smoking, speaking warbled and broken sentences, spinning in circles or running repeatedly into walls. For over two years!! I’m so tired.
I don’t think I’m ready to give up yet. But regardless of how my pain ends (good lord, may it be sooner than later!), I’m thankful for you.
xox
Tracy
I know what you mean Tracy. We want to love our Husband and move forward with a happy life but it is so difficult because of so many reasons. It is hard to feel normal. How can things be normal when he is not normal? When he did not respect our feelings? When he desired someone else? When the pain won’t go away?
Since I caught my husband with his spiteful, selfish CRONE, we’ve had two wedding anniversaries but I have asked not to celebrate them and don’t want to again – glad I am not the only one as you don’t celebrate yours anymore so that makes me feel a little better – he won’t like it but tough cr*p because he needs to remember how lightly he’s got off by simply not celebrating a w/anniversary. It’s part of his cr*ppy consequences. I don’t suppose his wh*re has that to go through – I bet she got off super-lightly even thought I made sure her family found out about it – and about the first time they had an affair when he was in his first marriage and they both had small children. I simply do not want to celebrate our w/anniversaries as it’s on 5 October – on 5 August, two months the day / date prior to our wedding day, he was on the first night of three days away with the crone.
*even THOUGH I made sure her family found out…”