Tags
affair, Ashley Madison, asshole, cheater, cheating, husband, infidelity, trauma, wife
In a couple of weeks, it will be two years since I discovered my husband was cheating on me.
The past 24 months have been a violent ride on the infidelity rollercoaster. Bad days sprinkled with the rare good day have been the recipe for absolute misery.
I would really like to be able to say we are doing well. I’d love to be able to share some positive news.
But I have none.
In July, my husband and I went away to a health retreat in Fiji for two weeks without the kids.
It was bliss. We were in a good headspace, eating wonderful organic fresh food every day, and having sex every night. We felt closer than we had in a long time. Everything was going to be OK.
Then we got back. And things went sour.
I noticed that in our joint expenses program, there was an odd item. Condoms, $34.95. For a box of 140!
Since the last of our children was born, I swore I would not go back on the pill and my husband and I discussed him having a vasectomy. Although a little apprehensive, he agreed.
Then he goes and buys a box of condoms — 140 OF THEM!
Well, I lost my shit BIG TIME. Who the fuck buys condoms in such massive quantities? A brothel? A cheater?
I told him to go fuck himself. I refused to use even ONE of those stupid condoms.
And then the real kicker came a few weeks later with the Ashley Madison hack: he had an account, TWO in fact.
The description under his name read: “Thirty-something missing out after kids’ arrival.”
While I was struggling to juggle three children under the age of 5, he was busy lamenting he was missing out.
While I was busy preparing three different meals PLUS his meals, doing mountains of laundry, repairing my pelvis after suffering pubis symphisitis (splitting apart of the pelvis) from week 20 of the pregnancy, he was off checking out dating apps and affair websites. Because he was missing out. Selfish asshole.
When we were going through the post-affair shit in the immediate weeks following D-Day, I said to my husband “Lay it all out, I want to know everything. I don’t want to be discovering new stuff a year from now, two years from now.”
“There’s nothing else,” he said. Nothing else except a couple of Ashley Madison accounts, a secret email account which was immediately deleted, and now, a suspiciously large box of fucking condoms!
As you can imagine, things are not good right now. I cannot even pretend to be nice to him. In fact, I struggle to even be civil.
I gave him a chance to come clean about everything and he continued to hide things.
“I found your email account in the Ashley Madison hack,” I said to him that Sunday morning. “Why didn’t you tell me about that? ”
He drew in a deep breath. “It was all part of that same period,” he offered in the way of an explanation. The idiot even had the brains to use his real date of birth and OUR real suburb when joining the site.
“I signed up because I was curious, ” he said. “I never used it. I never met anyone from there.”
Never used it? YOU SIGNED UP FOR IT! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE A DEBATE WITH ME OVER FUCKING SEMANTICS??
Given we now know there was something like 3 women for every 10,000 men, the chances of actually meeting anyone on Ashley Madison were next to non-existent. But no-one knew that then. So I suppose if some hottie had thrown himself at him, he would have turned her down? Not bloody likely.
So where does this leave us? Let’s see. We’re currently living under the same roof but we don’t communicate unless it’s to discuss the children.
If he attempts to make small talk, I cut him off – I’m not interested, dickhead.
“I’m trying so hard,” he often says. Too bad you didn’t try before running off to some skanky married whore, I say silently.
Why am I still here? I’m miserable yet cannot leave as I have little income and three children in private school/daycare. We have a shitload of joint assets. We have three young children that we both agree should be brought up by two parents together. Bleugh.
I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS SHIT.
It’s a miserable existence. And I’m stuck in it until I choose to walk away.
Addendum: Thank you for reading my blog. I blog to clarify and to heal. It hurts that I am still with my cheater husband and I carry a huge amount of self-hate for still being here. I ask that you please not come here and say “just leave your husband already!” That might be what you did and that’s what was right in your situation, but please don’t pretend to be an expert in mine. We all move through this shitstorm in different ways. SWxo
Sarah Clark said:
Hi I have just read this and WTF I am 11 months into discovering my husbands affair with my so called best friend 5 months since he moved out and is still telling me he does not know what he wants and 5 months of not receiving a single penny from him! I know I would have him back tomorrow but also know that I can’t trust him and don’t know if I ever will. I can’t hold a job down I have no money but I have friends I didn’t know I had and 2 kids that respect me and not their father! Yes they love him like I do but we don’t like him. He comes back for his family fix then goes back to her. I feel sick all the time but I also know I am the better person and will get through this and so will you, please find the courage to kick him out and show him what he is missing. My husband lives in a room in a shared house and feels sorry for himself well it’s his choice he did the wrong thing not me X be strong and stay safe X there is help out there if you want it X
CrazyKat1963 said:
I’m so sorry, SW, you are still having to deal with this shit nearly two years out. WTF. Even after they see the pain the lies cause, they still can’t get their fucking act together. I am sorry the great feelings left from your Fiji trip had to be ruined. I hope things get better… soon. ❤
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, CK. It’s doing my head in, that’s for sure. SWxo
learningtobealone said:
Hang in there, friend. I hope that you find comfort and peace soon.
coliesunflower1 said:
10months and my husband still signs up for online dating sites for the pictures he tells me. What am I a fucking idiot. I don’t believe it then it’s my fault because I don’t want to fuck him. Why would I you’re fucking dating let your fucking whores do.
streetpoet12 said:
Sending you hugs and more hugs. Xxx
pabloswife said:
Oh SW… what a fucker!!! I’m so sorry, I really am. Why the fuck do they try and keep shit from us when from day 1 all we ever asked for was the truth, the whole truth, no matter how painful. What is wrong with some people? I hope things get better for you I really do. I think you ned to book yourself a return trip to Fiji… for one!! xx
shatteredwife said:
PW, I think of you often, how are you? You got me through the dreaded first few weeks after D-Day and for that I will always be grateful. What’s happening with you? Have you left the city of the whore? Did you decide to tell her clueless husband on departure? SWxo
pabloswife said:
Hey you, I’m fine, plodding along, wishing none of this had happened, wondering why the fuck it did and what the fuck my husband was thinking!! I think i’ll probably always feel this way, but I am definitely in a better place than I was almost 2 years ago when we crossed each others paths at probably the lowest time of our lives. We have moved, we are living almost 800 miles away and would you fucking believe it… someones running for office round here with the same fucking name as the pit faced whore… I see the fucking signs everywhere. LOL! I still haven’t told the husband but I plan on doing so. I think he deserves to know what a lowlife whore his wife is, and if I’m honest, she deserves a little shit thrown her way for the agony her, and my husband, put me thru! Just trying to decide how to do it. I have a number for whims could send a text but supposing the number is wrong and I could probably figure out his work email address. I hope you are keeping your chin up and that things get better for you. One thing you know after the last 2 years is that men are fucking idiots and hopefully your husband is telling the truth. Hugs my friend xx
shatteredwife said:
Goodness, how awful going around town and seeing her fucking name in your face all the time!! I’m so happy to hear you’ve moved on. I cannot wait to hear how you tell the husband. But who knows, he might not give a shit! Thank you, you have been a source of light for me. SWxo
shatteredwife said:
To the betrayed spouses reading my blog: please allow me to introduce to pabloswife’s blog which you should be able to access by clicking on her name at the top of her comment. PW’s blog helped me enormously going through the early stages of betrayal and I know her words will comfort and help you. PS It helps if you don’t mind the occasional swear word LOL. SWxo
hisaffairmypain said:
Take a holiday with the kids – come and visit!
I’m so sorry. What sort of fucked up world do we live in. What sort of fucked up society has fucking MARRIED DATING sites!!!! I just want out of this society that accepts so much that is just not acceptable.
And wtf – maybe if they took some of the pressure off with the kids – got them to bed early, lit some candles, made us a nice meal (not something they just slap together and hope for the best), treat us like a princess – particularly after we gave birth to THEIR children – maybe they wouldn’t be missing out after the kids arrival.
Just shows the bullshit way people think these days … don’t fix what’s broke – get a new one (and keep the old for sentimental purposes?)
Serious. Come for a holiday.
shatteredwife said:
LOL, would love to take a holiday! What’s the drive from Sydney like?? And how are you doing at the moment. I need to snap out of this rut I’m in. SWxo
hisaffairmypain said:
Its a big drive – 2700km!!!! Best off taking the train 🙂
shatteredwife said:
Goodness, how long is the train ride?! SWxo
hisaffairmypain said:
about 2 days I think! Not so long they go fast 🙂
hisaffairmypain said:
and at the moment…. Going away for a short break and just found out she’s at the town we are going to …. I just want to fucking stay at home now.
Why when she can go anywhere as a backpacker does she have to be where we go. She went to a local festival that we were going to go to with the kids. I decided not to (the kids were pretty pissed off) because I thought she might go as she doesn’t really give a fuck about anyone but herself …. and lo and behold – she went. And tried to talk to the guy who lives on the property with us (who told her to fuck off), and some other friends who ignored her… why would she want to keep insinuating herself into our life??? Why can’t she just fuck off???
Anyway – thats how I’m doing at the moment. But I’m doing better in general …
What a fucking ride …
emmagc75 said:
I’m sorry you’re struggling but it’s his fault for not being completely honest and transparent, not yours! It sucks but only you know what’s best for you. Hugs n healing to you xo!!
shatteredwife said:
Thank you for your comment “only you know what’s best for you”. So true. No-one else is an expert in our life. SWxo
emmagc75 said:
Your welcome. It’s true. Just because you have a blog doesn’t mean any of us know what’s best for u. But I will say life is way too short to be unhappy. Hugs xo!
Miss Bee said:
SW, I think of you often and how strong you must be. I’ve only told a handful of people what I went through and the most common comment I hear is “Leave him.” But I it’s easier said than done. We have two children in high school, and it’s not so easy to leave. Hope you get through this rut and thank you again for your blog, as it strengthens people like me who just can’t pack up and leave. Miss Bee
Casey said:
The entitlement he must feel is so great. He’s entitled to affairs, entitled to withhold information, entitled to determine what you should now versus what you’re asking to know. Even if the condoms were to use with you, a thinking person would give a heads up on a purchase like that, given the circumstances. Listen, I understand why you stay, but 24 months is a very long time with such little progress, and either he really is that entitled and daft or you really can’t move past it. Either way, it’s not sustainable, right? I’ve been seeing a therapist who gave me the head shrinker shpeel of “get busy living or get busy dying.” Either I commit to the work to put his affair in the rear view (assuming his actions warrant that) or I get the F out. I needed to hear it. You did not ask for any of this, but it is here. You can be the boat being tossed and turned in the rough ocean or be the ocean moving the boat. it’s a shitty choice, but it is a choice.
Asshole Husband said:
Hi SW,
You might remember me and you might not! But I have been reading your blog with such interest after I told you my story and I have to say, you are right when you say you’re on a roller coaster!
I cannot believe that with everything he has done and continues to do, that you are still with him! I would not blame my wife one bit if she walked out on me and took the kids, if I was continuing to hurt her so badly!
You said in your blog that you have both agreed that your kids should grow up with 2 parents, but at what cost?? Your kids must sense the rift between you, they must sense that mum is not happy, and does this not transfer all your energy just trying to cope with all this shit, rather than on the ones that mean the most to you, your kids??
I know when I fucked up, I swore I would never hurt my wife again and my kids knew that their mother was not happy! That shattered me and gave more motivation never to hurt her again!
I know financially a break up can be a struggle, but you seem to be a confident, intelligent and independent woman that would land back on her feet!
I hope I haven’t offended you at all, I just think you deserve better for yourself and your kids, and if you husband wants to play these games, let him do it alone!
I wish you all the best and I will continue to keep and eye on your well being!
xxooo
shatteredwife said:
I know I deserve better. Thank you for your comment. SWxo
Becca said:
I read your post and had to comment. I just wanted to let you know unless they are in your shoes no one can tell you what you should or should not do. But I would recommend (have not read your entire blog so you might already be) you go to some sort of counseling, and if he really wants this to work he has to have you violate his privacy. He should no longer expect any.
I have been with my husband for 22 years. He has raised my oldest two as his own and we have two together. 17 years ago I stupidly asked my baby sister to come help out for the summer. I had just had number 4, he had injured himself at work and I was working beyond full time and taking care of what he could not because he was injured. Needless to say they had an affair. I knew it when it was happening I could sense it. He kept telling me I was stupid for being suspicious. He would even get angry and say things like “You think I have cheated I might as well”. Finally after three miserable years I got the truth. She paged him and I had taken his pager (incase of an emergency) to go out with my friends. I was angry, depressed, hurt, and betrayed. But we built a life together not just for us but also for our children. Our kids did not deserve to have their world torn apart because this selfish pair of assholes could only think of themselves. So I stayed. Plus I believe he was truly sorry. He promised to never hurt me like that again. It took years but finally we got the trust back. I had a very hard time letting it go. We made one mistake however, we did not get counseling. I went to counseling however because I became suicidal.
In December of this year I felt something was off in our relationship. We should have talked about it. I would approach him for intimacy and he would roll over. We were having financial difficulties and I had gone back to school to get a degree. I was hoping to help out more with the finances, my current job did not pay well. I planned on finishing my degree as fast as I could and spent every free minute studying.
He ended up having another affair!! She was some young thing that played him for money. Here we are borrowing on our credit cards just to buy groceries and this fucker is sending money to some skank 300 miles away. He sent her well over a thousand dollars and was only able to fuck her twice. I think I should try this. I could put a few stupid men on the hook and give them some sad stories and see if they will send me money. He tells me everyday how stupid he was. I have software tracking his ass and recording everything he does on this phone. I have access to all Facebook email everything. He is now the one going to counseling. If I decide to stay I will join him. I don’t know what to do. He is my best friend, a great father, a wonderful provider (except when he is sending money to whores). Staying is not an easy decision and neither is leaving. It is not just black and white. His mother was married 7 times and each one of those men cheated on her and she did not hide the fighting etc. from her children. I don’t think this is an excuse I just don’t think he intentionally wanted to hurt me again. Thank you for your blog I needed to be able to get this out.
shatteredwife said:
Hi Becca, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you had to endure affair betrayal not one, but twice. That is a lot to live through. I have been with my husband longer than you’ve been with yours. Who knows, maybe they just get bored with domestic monotony after a while and need a distraction. His mother was married 7 times?? Yikes. Like my husband, I don’t believe your husband’s intention was to hurt you. But it sure hurts knowing he put his own needs above all else. That someone else mattered more. A fucking NOBODY! You are welcome to come here any time. You will always find love and support here. SWxo
Becca said:
Thank you I went through and read your entire saga. I know that this blog is a healing device for you but it also is of great comfort for the rest of us who are going through this. I’m thinking about writing a blog titled “How stupid is he really”.
Not long after the first affair his friends were teasing him in front of me about this waitress at the restaurant they frequented for lunch that would flirt with him. This sent me into a full psycho jealous want to cut off his penis episode. Yes this was over 7 years ago but this stupid husband of mine thought nothing of taking me to this restaurant on our way to the city were his current whore lives (which was a difficult enough trip for me. He had to go for work and I was not letting him do it alone!). As he opened the door to the restaurant I looked at him and said “Yea! I get to meet your other girlfriend too!”. What a dumb ass!
shatteredwife said:
LOL, Becca, thanks for giving me a laugh! I often wonder how stupid my husband really is… And then I remember that I’m still with him, so who’s *really* the stupid one? You gotta laugh… otherwise you’d just cry. Thank you for your kind words about my blog. SWxo
Becca said:
Your welcome for the laugh : ) I found your site by goggling something like “am I stupid for wanting to stay after he cheated twice”.
Something about you calling yourself stupid bugged me, because you are not! And neither am I! We are strong women. We are women who are willing to go through some of the most painful things for our children and our marrage. We are not willing to throw away the years invested because he fucked up. It is time we stop thinking and feeling stupid, we are courageous!
k just had to get that off my chest. Have an awesome day : )~
shatteredwife said:
I know we are strong for staying, but I also feel like a doormat… If cheaters rarely reform, why are we still here? I already know the answers and yet…. PS Thank you for your other message which I won’t publish here. Your words gave me untold strength. SWxo
Becca said:
For me it had a lot to do with my kids and the man/father he is if you were to remove the infidelity. I wanted my kids to have a unbroken home. I was very angry at first that he was willing to ruin my life and our kids life for his own selfish needs. I learned to forgive him (that took a long time). Triggers are the worst.
As far as the AM account do you know if it is still active? I know that the fact that you had just given birth etc. and his dumb ass felt he was going through too much and needed attention is enough to make you scream, but that was before all the work you guys are doing right. I did my digging on AM too I did not find him luckily. When I did not find him on the list I went further. I created a fake female profile to find him. If your husbands account is not deleted you could find out this way and it shows the last time he logged on.
One last thing on why we are willing to try, love. Not many find true love. I did, and I was not willing to just throw that away. I know he truly loves me and I love him. I don’t know if that will be enough this go around but it was the first time. We were able to hide the truth from our kids. They witness a loving marrage that too many kids never see. Yes, they also witness fights (without knowing the reason) but this taught them that you have to work at things that everything is not perfect.
However if I had chosen to leave I think my kids would have seen a very strong women who could make it on my own. I know we would have done everything to not let a divorce affect our kids and they would have probably been just as well adjusted we will never know.
Whether you decide to stay or decide to go just know that it does get better. I know this is an old saying but it is true. Time heals all wounds. Unfortunately only plastic surgery can remove the scars.
Edith said:
What is the safest tracking software to use… esp if your spouse is IT expert.
kit76 said:
Surely your husband would have realised his purchase would appear on your joint bank account statement? Or, was the purchase partially buried/obscured and having spotted an unfamiliar company name, you dug further to discover the condom purchase? Do you think your husband hid his purchase in plain sight?
Maybe he bought the condoms in bulk to economise and didn’t think it was necessary to tell you about it because a) you would find out about it in good time and b) he didn’t think it was a big deal/worth mentioning. Or, maybe he just simply forgot? You don’t mention what his response was when you told him about your discovery. Surely you would know by his reaction whether he was being sneaky about the purchase or had just been plain forgetful?
The Ashley Madison sign ups – yeah, that’s concerning, no two ways about it. And there’s no way of knowing when he signed up, is there? Timing is everything, for obvious reasons. Even if it was at the same time as the affair, you are quite right that it should have been disclosed upfront when everything else was laid on the table. It really does put into context that email account he accidentally deleted without telling you about it first. Allegedly, it was empty or never used? But if that was the case, why didn’t he show it to you to ‘prove’ his innocence? To say hey, here is one thing voluntarily offered up, to be chalked up as a small run on the board. Especially at a time when he critically needed a small win, no matter how tiny. So, the fact he didn’t use it as a way for him to demostrate good faith to you is telling. It looked bad back when he did it but now, with your recent discovery of his Ashley Maddison accounts, it takes on a whole new dimension.
You know what comes through about your husband, to an absolute objective stranger?
That he’s a persistent, cunning, river rock smooth cheater and master manipulator/liar hellbent on getting some. Whether he loves you or not, the man lacks respect for you. His entitlement about what you are allowed to know is ample evidence of that. For almost two years, in the heat of reconciliation and your intense need for searing, gut wrenching honesty – he kept this secret from you. Two secrets, he had more than one Ashley Maddison account. What will you discover next? When will the insidious trickle truth end? Not at his doing, that’s for sure. He only offers up what he’s forced to and only when he’s been caught red handed.
I get that you know what is best for you. And what is best for your family. But it seems you are alone in that. Of course your husband wants to be a two parent family – he gets to retain his cloak of respectability as a family man while he lives out his exciting fantasy life. Best of both worlds. Cake eater.
Unless your husband is offering profuse apologies, is abject in his remorse and has blow torch honesty about his scumminess, how on earth can you respect him? Love him, yeah I get that. But respect??
shatteredwife said:
He swears the condoms were to use with me and it was just cheaper to buy them in bulk. He points to the fact he paid with a credit card from our joint account – he was never trying to conceal anything. It was just a horrible trigger for me. And a reminder he was not interested in getting the snip, which he had agreed to. But I do thank you, Kit, your insightful comment is hugely appreciated. My husband tried hard every day. He is up at 5am to get ready before the children wake up. He washes and irons their clothes. He takes them to school. At night, he reads them stories and puts them to bed. He might be a shitty husband, but he is a great dad, which makes me wanting to leave even harder. He is trying so damn hard. I have access to his phone, computer, Facebook etc. He leaves work on time now, none of this “working late” bullshit. He does so much. But my heart is no longer in it. The original betrayal was the hardest, but the second (discovering the Ashley Madison accounts) sealed the deal. I no longer feel hopeful of “getting through” this. It’s a terribly sad situation but until I know for sure what I want to do, I’m not about to make a rash decision that affects so many lives. Especially my young children. SWxo
Jan said:
Funny about the condom “trigger.” Everything is a trigger with me. EVERYTHING. I encounter several triggers, dozens probably, every day.
My counselor said that most people who stay together after an affair do so because of a reason, it is easier because (fill in the blank). Typically children, finances, joint business, etc.
Obviously you are smart not to make a rash decision. That’s me. I’m still here since D Day in February, because I don’t want to make the wrong decision.
Some days are good. Some days I am sad. Some days I hate his guts. Some days I think he must be a monster who I don’t know at all.
He’s being so good now, and trying so hard to be a good husband. I keep thinking, well I would be stupid to throw it all away.
But what is the ultimate emotional price?
sadface said:
Hi, Shattered, just like you, i strongly believe the kids should be brought up by both parents, so i never think of divorce him, i haven’t been working since i pregnanted with my first born, she is 17 now, so my H is the only provider for the family and my H just had a emotional affair also. But for our situation, bring up a big question, if our H know what we are thinking, is it like give them free passes for future affairs? since we can’t divorce them for all those reasons. They might think it don’t matter what they do, we will stay, so…
It will be almost one year for my D Day, my H does try really hard to show me he is a good man who made a terrible mistake, but the trust is gone , it takes forever for me to rebuild that trust, deep down i always fear he is going to do it again, so now I’m a crazy middle aged woman just watching my husband’s every move like a hawk with no life of my own.
shatteredwife said:
Your last paragraph also sums up my situation. It’s a shitty position to be in. SWxo
sadface said:
Hi, Shattered, just like you, i strongly believe the kids should be brought up by both parents, so i never think of divorce him, i haven’t been working since i was pregnant with my first born, she is 17 now, so my H is the only provider for the family and my H just had a emotional affair also. But for our situation, bring up a big question, if our H know what we are thinking, is it like give them free passes for future affairs? since we can’t divorce them for all those reasons. They might think it doesn’t matter what they do, we will stay no matter what, so…
It will be almost one year for my D Day, my H does try really hard to show me he is a good man who made a terrible mistake, but the trust is gone , it takes forever to rebuild that trust, deep down i always fear he is going to do it again, so now I’m a crazy middle aged woman just watching my husband’s every move like a hawk with no life of my own.
kit76 said:
Just in case you think I’m being negative about your choice, I want to clarify that I think you are an amazingly strong woman making the best of a hideously shitty situation that none of us wanted to be in!
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, your comments (both of them) comfort me. I’m trying to get through this by telling myself there are people with bigger problems out there. SWxo
Crystal said:
I’m so sorry you’re going through this still after 2 years. Men really are idiots, no matter how much comes out, they still think that they can hide things from us. I don’t think they understand that it just hurts more to know that they lied when they told us that we knew everything, but really that’s just another lie. Then we feel like idiots for believing them when they told us that they were being honest with us and telling us “everything”. I’ve only been going through this hell for about a year, I can’t imagine how exhausted you are and how awful this is after 2 years. I truly hope that you are able to find happiness no matter what you decide to do. I completely understand the self-hate for staying with your marriage. I feel the same way sometimes, but I’m just not willing to throw away my marriage just yet. Only you know what is right for you. Be true to yourself. I also hope you realize how much strength others like myself get from reading your blog and knowing that we aren’t alone.
Sending strength and hugs your way!
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, Crystal, for your warm comforting words. As someone said, we all have choices. Mine, for now, is to stay put. That could change, but until I am certain, in not willing to throw almost 25 years away either. SWxo
newstart14 said:
Infidelity entered my life a couple of years ago too, so your blog struck a cord with me. Our paths out of it were different but I still do think about it, even though we are no more, so I say blog/rant/scream/shout/cry/dance/drink/laugh your way through it for as long as it takes for the path to become clearer. You deserve that time & your husband should be thankful that you are willing to travel down it with him for now. You sound like a super strong lady and I hope at some point it becomes a little easier for you. x
startingoverwithhim said:
I have read your blog from the very beginning up until now and it is the only thing that I have read that truly captures how I feel. It will be two years the week before Thanksgiving this year since I found out about my husbands attempted affair. You see my story is a little different but all the feelings are the same. My husband decided to proposition my sister, yes you read that right MY SISTER via messages one night. I found out about it three months later not from my sister, not from my husband but from a mutual friend that told me something was off when she was hanging out with them one night. Lots of whispering and private conversations, come to find out this was the night my husband was trying to get my sister to delete the messages. She did delete them and I will never know what was said because neither “can remember” bullshit! Needless to say it’s been a roller coaster….the only thing my sister would offer me is “he talked to me like you would your wife” said “he has always had feelings for me” and then the next morning that “she will give in one day”. We were married 16 years with two kids when this happened and it shattered my world. After that I found a video he made of himself to send to another women that is an ex of his that he had also been chatting with. This behavior is not that of the man I have known and loved for 16 years. We went to marriage counseling, I’m trying to deal but it has been almost two years and I still hurt. He just wants to move on, he has done everything to reassure me but I just can’t stop going over everything, there is too much I don’t know. Plus it’s not like I can kick my sister out of my life so I am constantly watching him to see how they act around one another. I feel like I will never be at peace again. Anyway ty for the blog, it helps to read someone else that feels as much rage and shame (for staying) that I do
shatteredwife said:
Hello SOWH, that is one hello of a story. Your sister. Ugh, that is just super creepy. I cannot believe your sister was not more forthcoming with information. Then again, when I finally told my sister last month of my husband’s affair, I expected her to treat him a bit differently, maybe with a little contempt. But no! She treated him exactly the same, as if I hadn’t told her that he ripped our family apart. It hurt a LOT. He insists on coming to every family event, playing the nice guy. When I finally DO ditch his ass, I’ll be the one that looks like the complete bitch. He cheats and destroys and we’re the ones left with the grenade in our hands. I’m so sorry you have suffered so much, it really is appalling. And as long as you don’t have any answers, the questions circle endlessly and the constant chatter in your head is exhausting. I feel for you. Sending you love and strength. Come and visit me again. SWxo
TLM said:
SW, of course I can’t know this for certain, but your sister might be taking her cue from you on how to treat your husband. What I mean is since you’re trying to reconcile with him, she might think showing him all the hostility and contempt she really feels for him will only get in the way of your efforts, so she’s swallowing her own feelings in order to be supportive of you. My BIL cheated on my sister; the cheating itself was bad, but the aftermath has been the stuff of nightmares. Believe me–there is nothing I would like more than to shout “Fuck you and the whore you rode in on!” at his back as she’s booting his lying ass out the door. But I need her to know that whatever choice she makes, I am firmly on HER side. Right now she’s choosing to reconcile, so I continue to treat him like family. On the other hand, if she decided tomorrow that she’s done with this shit, I would cut the asshole off at the knees and never look back. Maybe your sister is trying to show you that the love she feels for you is stronger than the disgust she feels for your husband. At least I hope so. Family should always have your back.
shatteredwife said:
No, not at all. I told my sister that my husband and I had separated and were merely living under the same roof 😦 I made no mention of reconciliation. SWxo
Sarah said:
Oh my your sister the ultimate betrayal my husband of 20 years (my best friend of 30) slept with my so called best friend his best friends wife!! And he is still at it he has moved out to find himself he says but basically so he he can fuck around with her as she doesn’t moan at him! I have for nearly 6 months been asking him to come back but this weekend I found the courage to say no more I need to move on! Oh this has shit him up and we have never argued so much and since this I have also found out he is on seedy sex sites so she obviously is not satisfying him as much as he thinks! They say time is a healer that I’m not sure if but women like us do not deserve to be treated this way we are the ones left with the kids the house and the daily grind, don’t you think we need some excitement too!!
Claudia said:
I’m a twice divorced mother of two kids, and found your blog when I was searching for a wedding anniversary gift in google. There is no possible excuse for you to stay unhappy with a fucking asshole. Make a plan, find a lawyer, and get out of this situation. The more you wait in getting out this situation, the more time you are wasting in finding happiness. Ask yourself this question: What do I want for me and my kids?
You are going thru a lot, and I know how dificult it is to take control and come to terms with yourself and make a change. You are a FUCKING STRONG WOMAN, the shit you have been dealing with not many of us could do. Focus the FUCKING STRONG WOMAN in you to make the move. If you need to start from cero let it be it, who cares, you are fighting for your own happiness not for his.
Get full custody of your kids; move them to a public school; find an apt; divide your assests; find an advisor and get rolling… What are you waitng for? this unhappiness is gonna bring your health down and then you will regret spending your life, and the life of the kids with a disfunctional sex addict cheater slut?
Make the move for the kids. When the mom is unhappy the kids are also unhappy. They deserve better. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! GOOD LUCK.
Tempest said:
My H (now X) was caught in the AM hack, as well (though I had already divorced him).
While I realize you may not want to divorce your husband now, at least go to Chumplady to see how to make sure he is really trying to reconcile (she has a column called Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse that is valuable in deciphering BS from true remorse).
To be honest, I owe you a world of thanks. Your eloquence about your pain after betrayal, and the column where it took you until 11 months out to have more good days than bad in a week, is what convinced me I was not as strong as you. I could not live with what my then-H had done, nor the prospect of pain and heartbreak for over 11 months until it felt better. It convinced me I had to leave my H, and for me, it was absolutely the best decision.
Best wishes.
shatteredwife said:
Hello Tempest, thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, I cannot recommend Chumplady. She is a bitter betrayed spouse who does not believe in reconciliation, so if there are any betrayed wives out there, please stay away from that site if you believe there is ANY chance of working things out with your husband. Any shred of hope you have will be annihilated by her words. If, on the other hand, you’ve decided it’s all over, then go crazy! Tempest, tell me how you dealt with the separation. Did he want to stay together? Who was the other women, and did you two have children? SWxo
PR said:
I respect that you are going through a tremendously horrible time, but at the same time, in reading your blog I can see that in 2 years you have come full circle from “i’m not leaving, i believe in us”, to “I hate him, one day I’m going to leave, this wont ever be fixed”. You yourself, are admitting it can’t be fixed.
Nobody should have to put up with an affair. I respect you want to wait. But you, and anyone else who waits it out until the ‘perfect time’, is just wasting precious time.
You deserve a lot better.
I predict, that at some point in the future, who knows when, you will separate, and you will come back on here, after it sinks in and you re-organize your life, and you will say it’s the best thing you ever did, and you wish you had done it sooner.
All the very vest in your journey.
shatteredwife said:
Thank you for your judgemental comment. All references to the bitter CL blog have been removed. Please feel free to stick to that blog if it works better for you. SW
Tempest said:
Yes, my X reported he wanted to stay together, but his actions did not fit his words. We have two daughters together; one was 18, the other 13 at D-day. Both of them urged me to divorce him (even though the oldest still maintains a relationship with him).
I discovered notes he had written to the sexual harassment officer at our university about an affair with a student he had had 8 years ago, plus some condoms, in his computer bag. He initially claimed it was just an emotional affair over 3 weeks, turned out to be a multi-month sexual affair. One of my X’s first statements was “Stop obsessing about my affair, and start obsessing about why I was so unhappy with you at the time!” I have since read that blameshifting is the best predictor of a cheating spouse. Once my X realized that his statement was a bad strategy for reconciling, he changed his tune. However, action after action after action showed very little remorse, that he felt justified in taking any pleasure he wanted outside the marriage because I was not perfect (even though many of our friends did consider me a near-perfect spouse). I finally twigged after 2 months that this was.who.he.was. I could not make him feel badly for what he had done to me, I could not make a marriage work by myself (and realized I had been trying to do that for years anyway).
After the divorce, friends started to tell me more and more about his behavior–he turned out to be a serial cheater–multiple students, screwing people at conferences, adult website pickups (he was caught in the Ashley Madison hack). I was just relieved I had already divorced him on the basis of the one affair. To have reconciled and then found out he had betrayed me 100x more than originally thought would have killed me [or led to my incarceration for murder ; ) ].
Unfortunately, many cheaters are not one-time offenders. I do psychological research, and the chances of a serial cheater reforming are close to zero.
Jess said:
I’m so, so sorry you have to go through this. I’ve been through the cycle of promising that everything was out in the open only to discover more lies and secrets, i really dont have any advice but know that you are not alone. It’s only been just over a month since D-day so everything is still so fresh and painful. I’ve stayed the last month desperately trying to convince myself that this can work if we just try hard enough..but i dont think it will. I feel like I’m putting all my effort forward and he only does when its convenient or when hes not mad at me. I havent left yet but I am just working up the courage and strength to do it..i wish you luck and that you can be at peace with whatever decision you make.
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, Jess. A month after D-Day is still very raw. Some days you wonder how you manage to put one foot in front of the other. But you do. You live through the pain but it takes a toll. Why is he mad at you? If it’s because he wants you to “just get over this”, then he doesn’t get it. And you have another battle on the hands ever getting him to understand. Thank you for your kind words. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Still in shock said:
Hello,
First can I start by saying thankyou for your blog. When I first read your blog I could have sworn I’d written it. The similarities are mind boggling . My kids are older however and my asshole husband outdid yours by a mile with regards to actually fucking other women. I don’t mean to take away from your situation at all …. I’m just trying to accurately represent his extra curricular activities . I’m three months in from d-day ( by the way , it’s weird how I labelled it d – day too without ever seeing it referred to as such online). We did the whole hysterical bonding thing too and it’s still happening although tapering off somewhat . My asshole husband did such a good job of presenting himself to the world as this respectable, conservative family man, when he was actually meeting up with women from dating sites , asking out other women left and right. These included clients of his. Did I mention we work together and this was happening under my very nose ? Clever thing he was though because you see, only he could access his work computer due to his thumbprint being required to turn the bloody thing on. Well, one day, off he goes into conference and forgets to turn it off. I was waiting for an important email which was taking its time in arriving so I went in to check it he’d received it. Well well well….. My world came crashing down with the discovery of a suspicious email. I called him up on it and discovered there were shitloads more…..
Over the next few weeks, a lot was revealed and my head is still spinning . He’s begged forgiveness, seeing a counsellor , blah blah fucking blah. And yes, I’m still here. The reasons are myriad ….. Financial , child going into last year of high school, I’m still in shock, not ready to leave, new business together etc. I don’t see us lasting though . There are times I look at him and feel bloody murder and others when I feel love and yet others when I feel pity for him. Right now I’m PMT and so I think he’s a cocksucker… You get the drift . Apologies for the cursing….
shatteredwife said:
Hello SIS, I’m sorry you find yourself here. And I’m so sorry he was fucking around with multiple women but women who were CLIENTS. I cannot imagine the humiliation. Women who knew he was married to YOU. What an asshole. There were times I felt we were going to make it. I really did. I think in some of my earlier posts, I actually sounded hopeful. But he continued to conceal and lie and that for me is a deal-breaker. I gave him every chance to come clean and he chose lying to me over the truth. It’s a heartbreaking realisation that he’s never going to change. No amount of therapy is ever going to change that. I’m biding my time until I tell him to leave, or he eventually leaves of his own accord. I’m in my 40s – I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in misery. Three months from D-Day is very early. At that stage, I was still pulling over while driving and bursting into tears. Go slowly until you figure out what choice you will make next. And don’t ever worry about cursing here. As you’ve probably noticed, I swear my fucking head off! 🙂 SWxo
Scared to care said:
I’m deeply religious but I’m having a hard time. I found out April 1 that my husband was cheating on me with a coworker. She was married too. We’ve been trying to make it work. The honeymoon stage was great but he’s back to being grumpy and critical. He still loves her and misses her but he’s trying to forget. He’s trying counseling but I think it’s going to end with him leaving me. I thought we had a chance but her husband left her and so now she’s free. I think my husband wants to go be with her. I try reading bible verses, devotionals, etc. I share them with him but then today he says that’s pushing him away from me. I think it’s because he wants to do what’s wrong and I’m reminding him of what’s right. At this point I think I would be happier if he did leave.
Jan said:
I’m so sorry Scared to Care. Keep going to counseling, if possible, and see what happens. Try to get him to talk about his true feelings in the counseling session. I know, easier said than done!
Mine didn’t leave me nor did he want to leave. He just wanted to have a brief affair with a piece of trash half his age.
I have worked hard to try to make the marriage work. Some days it does, some days I am just sad.
I really think men are just pigs.
Janine said:
OH dear , I am so sorry you are going through a fresh round of pain . I too found out my cheating husband had an Ashley Madison account . He has since had lots of emails looking for sex and also some blackmail emails requesting money. The latter perturbed him a little . My husband said he had forgotten all about his account and said the next day he cancelled it or some such rubbish. It is so hard. I understand about the self hate still being with my lying husband and I have a job where I can independently support myself and my children who are mainly grown now ! However it is hard to stop loving someone and giving up 30 years of life although I do wonder if it would be a better one. Even though I don`t know you lots of hugs . Hopefully you have got through the worst and if you can survive that then you will get through this .
Jodie said:
I have recently found out that my husband has been having a affair. I went mad i snapped his wiper off the car, threw all his clothes in the bin outside (awaiting bin day) i have 2 children 10 and 7. They havent said anything but i know that they miss their dad. He wemt a few days ago but he wants to come back even through hes doing this. I need help cause i feel like shit. I miss him so much but i dont want back.
Ididntdeservethis said:
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I found out my husband was cheating in September. He left me home alone after my suicide attempt to go spend the woman’s birthday with her. He stayed with her for three days, spent 75 dollars on flowers for her… Drove 6 hours and dragged my daughter along for it. Her husband was deployed with the military at the time, poor man.
I’m in a similar financial situation as you (it sucks) and I wouldn’t judge you for staying even if things were ripe for you to do so. It’s your life, after all.
You’re an incredibly strong woman with much grace. Thank you for sharing your strength and story.
shatteredwife said:
Hello and thank you for your kind comment. Are you and your husband back together? How are you coping? SWxo
julie said:
I feel every word you type. I understand the need to desperately try to unload so much hurt, you hope you can get it all uploaded on a blog. I know the feeling of struggling to wake up and get on with it, when really you wonder how the world does not get what an asshole your husband is! Who the fuck would want to interact with such a complete useless example of human DNA?
21/2 years ago my world blew apart, still trying to figure out why I keep my husband around, still trying to forgive myself for what I feel is a betrayal to my very own soul! 7 years ago my husband and I agreed to purchase a business a few hours away from our home. Our marriage was going though a hard time and I was really done with my husband. He moved and I stayed at our family home and finished raising the kids. I was thrilled to be away from him, loved only seeing him on the weekends. my husband hired a young 18 year old to help him manage our business office. She was beyond unattractive and I was pretty cute, so I had no worries…..hahaha…yup that trip down ego lane just wasn’t what I expected.
Our marriage continued to fail, time was not our friend and I slowly had no use for my husband. He came home on weekends, with a short temper and seemed anxious to get back up north, we argued bitterly when he was around. Kids, bills and just about anything would send him into an argument about how he was tired of doing it all. I owned a party store I had purchased and worked my ass off 7 days a week, so I had no sympathy for poor me bullshit.
On July 20th, 2013, after having a great night out to dinner celebrating our oldest’s babies birthday…laughing and remembering why we fell in love in the first place, we drove home to our place up north where my husband currently lived. Our of nowhere he started yelling and cursing about how I always choose the radio station, I said “pick whatever station you want, I don’t care…he was definitely looking for a fight, well he got one, I ended up packing my shit and going back to our family home 3 hours away…about 10 minutes into the drive back upstate (michigan) I felt the need to go back to our cottage, like this was the make or break moment…I started calling our cottage phone…no answer, after several attempts I knew he was either ignoring me or on another line.
By the time I pulled into the driveway, he was hanging up the phone and running into our bedroom. I discovered by looking at the phone records that he had been talking to his very unattractive young secretary that evening, after looking through the cottage phone records, I figured out my husband was having an affair with the ugly young girl he had hired so many years ago to help him run his business.WTF was all I could think. I am twice her age, but I have to say, I was pretty damn hot. Never lacking in the looks department, always getting all the attention…how the hell could he even look at this 23 year old, extremely acne ridden large body girl. ATTENTION….the girl gave him attention, she told him he was hot, she told him his opinion mattered, she was over the moon when he shared his opinion with her.
They had an emotional affair, so he says, I really don’t know what the fuck happened…except after months of counseling and my husband apologizing and begging for forgiveness…well after 25 years of marriage I owed it to our family to try! Still don’t forgive him and I am physically disgusted every time I run into that whore that embezzled money from our business, opening a cc in my name and running the charges over $15000.00. When I called her on it, she threatened to file a lawsuit against my husband for sexual harassment.
I am just so damn sick of all of it, ready for a trip away buy myself to figure out if there is anything left worth fighting for.
shatteredwife said:
It all comes down to fucking attention, like they’re a little 2-year old. It amazes me men will fuck/have an affair with any whore who smiles and bats their lids at them without any regard for the wife who has been there with them throughout life. Men are worse than children. Children will demand attention, but love you unconditionally and never betray you. I’m sorry your husband turned out to be such a fuckwit. And the nerve of her homewrecking ass to threaten a lawsuit! What will you do? I say sue her ass 🙂 SWxo
Jan said:
Yep. That’s it. Attention. Stroking their giant egos. That’s all that has to happen to make a man forget the wife who has taken care of him for years.
I’m still so sad.
We haven’t been to counseling in a month or so. Have a new one scheduled for mid November. This one is a woman, the other one was a man. Anxious to see how this one works out.
I’ve lost all self-confidence.
Divorce With Me said:
Out of all the comments I’ve read here, this last line “I’ve lost all self confidence” has stuck out to me. When your spouse has an affair, it kills your soul. That’s how they get us to stay. We become a fraction of what we once were after something like this. Prey on us while we are weak. Some are truly repentful and that’s when I support reconciliation. Others are egotistical, wily and shrewd liars… in which they won’t change and will continue to wear down a woman’s self confidence. Which makes it harder to rebuild and get courage to leave.
I will never pretend to know what someone is going through and why they will or won’t stay… Too many factors involved. But perpetual purposeful negative energy that close to anyone is going to make them feel as close to dead as possible.
This is just me ranting… Not directed at your or SW or anyone for that matter. Just made me think out loud when I read your comment.
Good luck. I hope therapy with the new doc works for you and that you find joy within yourself. XO
Becca said:
Ok you do not have to post this I just wanted to send you a message. I read all of the comments and know that you have given up on reconciliation, and just surviving for now. I just want you to know even though it happened again I don’t regret staying. Our kids where young. My oldest two had already been through one breakup. Our 4 kids are far from perfect but they are mentally well adjusted. I truly believe if he had went to counseling and we had gone to marrage counseling it would not have happened again. It did take almost 17 years for it to happen again. (Of course after the polygraph this week I will know if this is true.) I did notice that most women choose D I would only assume that they had not been with someone that …….if you could remove the temporary infidelity …….where close to perfect. I am not saying my husband is otherwise perfect just perfect for me. He just happens to have some really bad childhood issues he has never worked out.
I get the frustration of his non full disclosure. Somehow they think they are protecting us. They feel they have hurt us enough and don’t want us to know more. They are sooooooooooo wrong. We are testing them every day to see if they are going to fail. Like my husband told me I was fishtailing. I did not want to see any more pain in your eyes. I do believe him (I know I should not but I have always been able to read his eyes).
sadface said:
Yeah, my husband’s coworker who he had an emotional affair with is nothing but pure ugly, i never worried about her at all, but guess what? All she did was tell him: he is smart, calm,funny, have beautiful hands, and nice beard, next thing you know they were sexting. The funny thing is my husband loved the attention so much, he would find a way to lie to compliment her ugliness, so he could continue to get his. He told her that he likes her full freckled face, it makes her cooler and her bad decayed teeth gives her character. After everything is over, he told me “i don’t know what the hell i was thinking, she is so fat and ugly, i just like that someone is looking up to me, tells me I’m awesome all the time, it feels good, there isn’t anything special about her at all.” Fuck, so he is using her to strike his ego. What a selfish asshole.
shatteredwife said:
Decayed teeth give character? That’s about the funniest thing I’ve heard today! It’s amazing how when they look back they can see everything with new eyes, isn’t it? SWxo
Jan said:
Listen the one my 74 yr old husband had affair with lived 150 miles away and was 37. Okay, so a 37 year old thinks you are wonderful, big deal. She has mug shots. She is hideous. She is a very, very shady character. Never mind all that. She told him he was wonderful. I’m going to post the link to her mug shot so y’all can see how hideous. It is public record, so shouldn’t be a problem. Well, if it is a problem then just delete the link. Jan.
shatteredwife said:
Hello Jan, my apologies, I did remove the link as I don’t want to land in any legal problems with regards to defamation. But there is a website you might be interested in for posting her details: shesahomewrecker.com. You’ll love it. PS And yes, UGLY! SWxo
Jan said:
Glad you agree!!!
P said:
you should know you show up here: http://www.chumplady.com/2015/10/a-new-chump-credo/
search shattered wife and it will take you to the portion of the conversation.
shatteredwife said:
Excellent.
hisaffairmypain said:
I don’t think that is funny. I don’t know – maybe it is an american thing – but it certainly isn’t funny, or supportive, in australia… no one wants to be a chump. You can get …….
sorry if I’m out of line sw. x
ema said:
Ive been there.
i sat in a high dependancy unit with my disabled child whilst my husband sat at home sex texting some whore…why i am still with him…well he blames.me for our shite relatioship
.i remind him i cant give love to a binge drinking cheat..i refuse to go though as that will confirm his accusations…that it was all my fault
Amelia said:
I have been looking for something, someone who has experienced my situation and I have finally found it! I’m 17 months into this nightmare. I found out about my husband’s porn, dating sites and affair before my baby, that he had to have…pushed to have, was even one. I also have two teens from my previous marriage. My husband and I have been together eleven years and I was a single mother before that. My biggest fear was being a single mother again. It was so hard emotionally, physically and financially. I couldn’t believe the horror I felt when I found out. It was a knife to the gut. He knew my fear, he wanted a baby, he pushed and all along he was being unfaithful. I am still here because I have little financially, I don’t want to tear my older children away from their school and friends and I’m exhausted at 39 with three busy kids. Making the decision to leave affects my children too much for me to just pack up and leave. Yet, I want to leave every day. Thank you so much for sharing. I have worried and worried about what to do and everyone says leave. It’s not that easy when it affects lives other than your own.
shatteredwife said:
Hello Amelia and welcome. I’m so sorry you find yourself here, although I’m glad you found me : ) You sound like you’ve been through so much. Yes, there are plenty of people who will tell you to leave – there’s no shortage of them! Staying is incredibly difficult. You find your feelings for your husband have changed. You feel shame for being a doormat and not having immediately walked out on his cheating ass. You worry almost constantly how it’s all going to pan out. You were brave having a baby after so long! Why was your husband so keen to have one? Going through this shit with a baby is hard – I found the early days incredibly difficult. How did you discover your husband’s affair/s? And did your first relationship break up over infidelity? The best thing a friend said to me was “whether you go or stay, I respect your decision. No judgement.” THAT is what a good friend should say. Your situation is your own, nobody understands it as well as you. As I say, “Stay until you decide to leave.” Sending you love and strength. You are welcome here any time. SWxo
MsJaded said:
Sending you huge supportive hugs love! Discovering his AM profile would’ve been bad enough but then to read THAT must have been just devastating. I’m so sorry. I’ll never understand the deluded sense of entitlement a cheating spouse has during their affair. Never. The level of selfishness just blows my fucking mind. The cheating asshole version of my husband was definitely guilty of convincing himself that his ego and dick were more important than respecting himself, his wife and his precious babies so I feel ya. Gotta say, I’m disappointed that some people ignored your request and asked the why you don’t just leave/why are you still with him question. Throughout your blog you’ve been so honest and open about how you’re feeling and what’s been happening with you on any given day and keeping it all real. For me the only certain thing is the uncertainty of how my husbands’ decision to shit on our life will affect how I feel about so many things on a day to day basis. Rollercoaster yep. You’re living it too. This shit is so hard and you’re still here sharing your struggles and laying it all out there – you’re healing yourself and others with your story and certainly shouldn’t be judged by ANYONE for whichever way you choose to proceed regarding your marriage and how you choose to deal with it. As someone who has also chosen to stay put (for now, I can’t say forever yet and maybe never will) I understand how those questions aren’t helpful while you’re still processing what the hell just happened to your life. People should respect that. Wishing you strength.
shatteredwife said:
Thanks, Ms Jaded, your words of support mean so much to me. This is the internet, so I guess people figure they are free to say what they want! As long as it’s not vitriol or a plug for a site which encourages separation, I will generally publish it. The level of selfishness does my head in, too. And so the rollercoaster ride continues! Thank you, lovely lady. SWxo
Divorce With Me said:
Hi, checking in on you… This post is upsetting. You sound like you had an amazing time in Fiji. So it sounds like if the past/external variables were not in place, you have a wonderful relationship.
Don’t give up if these are just some old things trickling back in. They are painful and will set you off. But if they are the past and he has changed, there is hope.
It has to be embarrassing to try to come forward with all this crap if at the time he forgot about it. Almost like disappointing you all over again. I’m not excusing his behavior or way he handled it. I’m just wondering if you see a real change in him. If you do, and really believe him, I wish you all the courage it takes to continue to move forward as a family and find the happiness you deserve. Xo
shatteredwife said:
How do you ever really know if someone has changed? I hope you’re right, that it is just don’t old things trickling back in. I went back to my doctor and got back on the anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication I was on 18 months ago. I think it’s kicking back in. I feel less down than a week ago. Thank you for thinking of me. SWxo
Divorce With Me said:
I know. It’s like nothing in life is guaranteed because you never really know what goes on in another person’s head. So I hope the meds help. Maybe a more relaxed and calm demeanor will help the overall situation.
I know this might sound strange but I find him less of a coward trying to make things work with you, knowing how difficult and challenging the road ahead would be. Most men just give up. They don’t want to live under scrutiny or try to repair the shit storm they created. Wishing you the best. Xoxo
Jan said:
I agree….even when he is trying really hard, saying and doing all the right things, those feelings of doubt continue to pop up from time to time. ” Has he really changed? Why did he need to change…why wasn’t he good and faithful to begin with? What if he’s not really who I think he is? What if he’s just using me because he doesn’t want his life to change (kids, money)? I mean, if he realllly loved me we wouldn’t even be here!”
I think the answer is this. Nobody is perfect, but particularly a man. They are innately selfish creatures, not like us at all. So I think it probably is possibly for them to do this cruel horrible thing, and still love their wife and want her.
Where does that leave it with us, how do we connect the dots of our new reality?
Lots and lots and lots of hard work, counseling, suffering, keeping our lip zipped after a certain point (no man can take the craziness forever….that’s why I say after a reasonable time we have to try to zip it).
I had a very sad day yesterday. Feeling unloved, weak, no confidence. Thought about it overnight and decided I had better give it a better try today. Trying to remember that he has a huge ego that needs to be stroked, and he needs to be nurtured and loved.
If I can’t give him that, then it is hopeless. So I am trying. He has allowed me many months of ranting, crying, and questioning. I see that the time has come for me to work hard to try to get over that and give him what he needs. He is absolutely trying in the relationship and I want to do that too.
This is an ongoing project….not sure when I’ll truly feel safe again.
CUCH said:
Agreed, you shouldn’t have to justify yourself to anybody. You clearly have your reasons for staying and it’s not for anybody else to tell you otherwise.
kit76 said:
I don’t think you can ever really know if someone has changed but you can certainly observe the signs and manifestations of someone’s remorse and genuine efforts to make amends and rebuild the relationship. I do believe people can change, but only if THEY want to not because they’re being forced to.
So, I guess some of the things I’d be looking out for and asking myself would include – is he using his initiative? Is he driving improvements? Is he pushing himself to be a better man/husband/father? Does he initiate actions or conversations? Is he proactive around the house? Does he demonstrate thoughtfulness about your needs? Does he apologise? Is he in pain because he’s hurt you? Is he patient about your recovery process? Does he explain and clarify when confusion or doubts arise?
If you have more yeses than nos to the above, then I’d say that you’re in an ok place.
I also think it’s incredibly important to value forgiveness. It’s not weakness nor is it letting someone trample your boundaries unpunished. Forgiveness is recognising that even a good person can fuck up. Really badly.
Personally, I can forgive someone who has hurt me that badly, if they are truly remorseful and they work their guts out for my forgiveness and then consistently maintain that level of effort in regaining my trust and rebuilding the relationship. Why wouldn’t I forgive them in that scenario?
I did not forgive my partner for cheating but that’s because he wasn’t remorseful.
The thing about forgiveness though is that it’s all or nothing – you can’t kinda sorta forgive someone. Forgive them wholeheartedly or not at all.
I am not religious. I just think life is too short to spend with someone if you really don’t want to be with them. If you do, then open your heart again and start afresh.
Your husband has never wanted to leave you. He is still there with you. That’s not worth nothing.
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, Kit, you’ve given me a few things to think about. SWxo
hisaffairmypain said:
What an amazing comment … its given me lots to think about as well.
SadAndBroken said:
I just discovered this blog yesterday and couldn’t stop reading. I could have written 80% of these posts myself. My D-Day was almost 3 months ago. My husband had an affair with another man half his age. They met via text message (this boy – and I call him a boy because he’s younger than my oldest son – it makes me sick to my stomach to say that – is the son of one of my husband’s friends). The boy lives in South American (that’s where my husband is from) has a very tough home life and he reached out to my husband for guidance and mentoring. It began that way but because my husband was going through a midlife crisis and we were having marital issues at the time, it turned into so much more. The boy is also gay and started to fall romantically in love with my husband almost immediately. My husband brushed it off as him being “confused.” I knew better – I had my suspicions for quite some time just because of the amount of communication going back and forth between them. My husband was spending pretty much all of his time texting or talking on the phone with this boy. The turning point was when my husband traveled to South America this past March. He goes every year to see his family but I have a feeling this last trip was more to see his boyfriend than anything else. There were a lot of warning signs when he returned – he was so obsessed with this person and would spend hours and hours texting or talking on the phone – it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. I reached my breaking point and hacked into his computer. His cell phone was never left unattended…..ever. But one day when he left for work I got into his computer and found all the evidence I needed. There were dozens of nasty videos and pictures of them that they were obviously sending to each other. I only looked at half of the pictures – I couldn’t bear to look at all of them – I know that was stupid but I just couldn’t do it. I did however copy all of them to a flash drive to save for later. I didn’t want to admit that I had been in his computer so I set up this elaborate plan to make it look like the boy had sent me pictures and videos to my e-mail address and confronted my husband with it. He denied that anything was going on – he said it was just “something that guys do” and nothing physical had ever happened between them. He promised he would end all communication and asked me for another chance. After a few weeks I still suspected things were going on so back into his computer I went. I discovered Skype conversations they had with each other just one day after I confronted him with the pictures/videos. They were laughing about the whole thing and saying how they had to be more careful because I was being extra vigilant. I felt like such a fool!! I confronted him again and this time I was ready to end my marriage. I also finished looking at all the pictures and I found the mother load – they were of them together in various sexual positions during the time my husband was in South America. He finally confessed the whole thing – he said they hadn’t had sex until they met up in March but the emotional affair had been going on for almost two years! He said he never intended on this happening – he was trying to help this boy and felt like it started as a paternal relationship. My husband begged me to give our marriage a chance – he agreed to counseling (I’ve seen the counselor once myself and tomorrow he’s going to see her by himself and then we’ll start going together). I don’t want to end the marriage but I can’t live like this either. He swears it’s over and he doesn’t talk or message him anymore but the boy isn’t giving up. He’s been calling my husband’s cell phone, messaging him, etc. and I don’t understand why my husband is answering his phone calls and responding to his messages. In order for this to even have a remote chance of working, he has to cut all communication with this person but I think he’s having a hard time letting go. The boy is relentless – he has been urging my husband to get divorced and move back to his country. He claims he’s going to pursue my husband until he wins this battle. Sorry for this long post but you can’t even make this shit up! I better follow up in a new post but this is my background, as ugly as it is. Oh and we’ve been married for 14 years – have two kids together (9 and 12 years old) and I have a 25 year old son from a previous marriage (he didn’t cheat but he was abusive – I don’t know what’s worse at this point).
shatteredwife said:
No, you certainly can’t make this shit up! I’m so sorry, SadAndBroken, this is just an awful position for you to be in. Your post is heart-breaking. Of all the hundreds of comments that have been posted on my blog, yours is the first to deal with a husband having an affair with a man. Thank you for sharing with such openness and honesty. I think your husband has a lot of issues to deal with, primarily that he is gay or bisexual, and how that affects you. The affair is a related but separate issue. It’s like you’ve been hit with a double-whammy. How are you coping? Do the children know or suspect something is wrong? You are welcome here any time, there is lots of love and support here. Please keep us posted, there is a very long road ahead of you. SWxo
SadAndBroken said:
According to my husband, he’s not gay or bisexual. He says he never had sex on his mind and then in a drunken moment while they were together it just happened. I don’t know what I believe yet but we have a very good sexual relationship with each other. He’s always loved sex with me and he’s as heterosexual as they come. I’ve never had one iota of suspicion about him being attracted to men. He said he looked at this boy as asexual – he was attracted to all the attention he was getting from him – something that he was obviously not getting from me at the time. I’ve read so many comments on here about how after the affair is discovered, the couple starts having a lot of sex again (I forgot what you called it). It’s the same for us – he wants to have sex almost on a daily basis now and says that was a huge part of him being unhappy – he felt alone, unloved and as if I didn’t care about him. At the time, we were just co-existing and we hadn’t had sex for over a year. I told two of my best girlfriends about the affair – one of them can’t handle the fact that I’m staying with him after all this – she told me I’m delusional and should medicate myself. The other one I’ve been friends with since we were 5 years old. She knows me and will respect whatever decision I make without judgment. She calls the after-affair sex “marking my territory.” It’s true – I’m just claiming stake to what I thought was mine and was taken away from me. I do enjoy sex with him – for me it’s a connection and I feel close to him and I think I need that right now. But as far as coping, I’m hardly coping. I have a constant sick feeling in my stomach. I can’t eat or sleep well. I have all the same triggers that everyone else here has – his cell phone rings or he gets a notification tone and my heart starts racing and I end up having an anxiety attack. Or if I see him furiously typing on his laptop I immediately assume he’s talking to him. This angers him – he told me he feels like he’s being smothered – well he earned this and now he needs to own it right? In his mind I should just get over it. He has consistently minimized this as something insignificant and I should be thankful that this happened to show us what was missing in our marriage……really????? Why are men so fucking stupid?? I’m a little confused as to how therapy is going to work – maybe some of you can tell me what goes on in couples therapy. I’m hoping the therapist can help him see how devastating this was for me and how he should be doing whatever it takes to earn my trust again. He isn’t listening to me – I’m over thinking this whole thing – it was “nothing” – why do I have to keep bringing it up? Every time I bring it up, he rolls his eyes and says “here we go again….another day another question.” My kids know that something is wrong but they don’t know what it is. They’ve heard us argue but we argue in Spanish and my kids don’t speak Spanish. My 9 year old son is acting out lately – he’s being defiant and I’m sure it has everything to do with all the tension in our house. My 25 year old son knows about all of this (the boyfriend actually sent him two videos via Facebook of my husband masturbating and professing his love to this boy). My husband lied to him and told him he made those videos as revenge towards the boy’s parents – he made up an elaborate ridiculous story that nobody would ever believe. So now my son feels very uncomfortable whenever he comes over and he’s lost respect for my husband (rightfully so). He wants me to leave him but he’s not pressuring me in any way. It just hurts him to see his mom going through this.
Holly said:
Hey SW how goes it with you? I am now 8 weeks past D-Day and still struggling. My husband cut ties immediately with her (I don’t have a nasty name for her as she was lied to as well, he told her he was separated) when I found out and I told him to tell me if she ever contacted him again (she lives in a different country, that is the only positive i guess) Anyway yesterday I asked him if he had heard from her and he said yes last week WTF! So I ask what she said (it was via text) and what he had responded he looked me in the eye and said I didn’t respond…so I said “really?” and then he says actually I did and proceeded to tell me the response he gave her. HE LIED to my fucking face? and of course all texts have been deleted. How am i supposed to believe anything he has told me in the last 8 weeks when i know he is capable of lying to my face? I feel like i am right back at the beginning…he says he was trying to protect me that he thought i was doing better so didn’t want to make things worse again but really? all I have asked for is honesty and he does this? He has been good otherwise answers all my questions, gives me my space when i need it, has remorse, is doing all the right things but now it feels like its just all bullshit?
SadAndBroken said:
Hi Holly….I’m going through the same thing you are – my husband had an affair with someone in another country. It doesn’t hurt any less but I guess it’s a positive that they aren’t physically here. My husband has also lied to me since D-Day and I don’t know whether to believe a word he says anymore. He started to open up and tell me when he would hear from the other person but then said it affected me too much (apparently my reactions were not what he wanted them to be) and he felt that he needed to stop telling me. He also used the excuse about “protecting me.” WTF?? So now I’m just left wondering….the unknown is much much worse than the truth (even though the truth hurts sometimes). You’re lucky that your husband is at least involved in your recovery (or at least shows it) – mine just wants me to “get over it,” “stop talking about it,” “stop making such a big deal about it.” How long did your husband’s affair last? It sucks that we can go days and days feeling semi-normal and then one little thing takes us right back to square one.
Holly said:
Hi SadandBroken, thanks for responding to my comment. They met in Vegas February 2014 (we live in Canada her in England) they continued to text off and on until the following March (2015) when they met in Vegas and spent 4 days together (when they had sex 3 times if that is the truth?) and then met again the past June 2015 for another 4 days in Vegas where they had sex 3 times (again if that is even the truth) they continued to text daily and speak on the phone a few times until I totally by accident saw two Ecard emails on his computer on September 7th i tried to put it out of mind but eventually signed into his ecard account and saw the card he had sent her for her birthday signed “love” and response back from her signed “love” as well, obviously completely devastating so i guess the affair was 18 months in total.Since then just been trying to work my way through it, he is super remorseful and will do anything to make it work but the lying is just a huge step back and makes me feel the same as you Can we even believe anything they say? and yes I agree the unknown is definitely worse then the truth even though it hurts. Sorry we have found each other this way but it does help SO much to know that we aren’t alone. We have told no one about the affair (he says that i can if i want but so far i haven’t) except for the therapist we have seen a few times which so far i am not finding super helpful. How long was your husbands affair? I am sorry to hear that he isn’t being very supportive as you navigate thru this nightmare.
shatteredwife said:
Hello Holly, great to see you. I understand – my husband has lied to my face, too. They think they are protecting us by hiding the real truth from us, not realising the untold damage it does in the long run. As much as I fought it, I am now back on medication (venlaflaxine) and it is helping with the depression and anxiety. I can feel the fog starting to lift. I’m also less volatile, which helps. SWxo
Holly said:
SW thanks for responding to my comment. I am glad to hear the fog is starting to lift again… I can’t say enough about how helpful your blog has been to me and I also recently read in entirety pablo’s wife’s (as you had mentioned her in a comment) and was super helpful as well. I couldn’t figure out how to comment on hers to tell her as much but maybe she will see this!
Lulu said:
Scary how similar our experiences are… My husband actually went back to her country one last time because he wanted to apologise and explain things to her in person! She had also been lied to for the entirety of their affair. I won’t deny that it makes me feel better that she never knew the truth until I contacted her myself and blew his web of lies to pieces. Boy was she pissed! But God it felt good! But she still contacted him after his visit which I found out about and basically told her to fuck off. Disgusting people, both of them.
Jan said:
Holly I went through the same thing. Found out in early February my 74 yr old H was seeing a 37 year old who lived 150 miles away. I’m 62. Apparantly they met on Skout.com and met a few times in a hotel in between, then he got braver and went to her house a few times for overnite stays, telling me lies about ham radio equipment shows. He promised to never see or talk to her again and we were in counseling, then I managed to contact her on Skout on March 18 and she said it was still going on, that they were together in hotel on March 5, and they texted every day. He was in shock, begged me to keep him, changed his phone number, and has been not out of my sight since then. Of course all text messages were deleted so I could not see them. I talked to her on the phone in August, and all she would say was he is a lying manipulator. Add to the saga, she is a low life person, mug shots, the whole nine yards. Nobody he would have left his family and life for. Now for the biggie. Just a couple weeks ago he confessed that after initially being caught in early February, he only saw her once at hotel, and there was no sex, he met her to try to get her to stop blackmailing him and threatening to call me and tell me lots of lies. He says he did text with her every day, trying to keep her away from me, in February and March. Then when I talked to her on March 18 on Skout message, he said that ended it. He’s tired of talking about it now, wants me to forget and move on. He said it was strictly an ego thing, a 37 year old wanted him and he was feeling old. I think with lots of cheating men it is about ego, someone new and different, exciting….not about LOVE. I’m not even sure men know what love is. They need to feel nurtured, loved, desired, someone to tell them they are Mr. Wonderful. Sometimes after years of humdrum marriage, we forget to tell them all that. Life is hard work afterall. Now we wives are hurt and betrayed because we could never do that to them, what they did to us. It is very complex. We are still going to counseling. Counseling doesn’t cure it, but it is important to continue it…because we need help, talk therapy, to continue to work through the grief.
sadface said:
This morning, before my husband went to work, he told me that one of his female coworker broke up with her long time boyfriend. My heart started to race( his EA with the ex coworker started like that, she had a fight with her husband and separated, she asked my husband for advice, and he tried to bring her and her husband back together, instead they were together.), so i jumped up, pointed to his face and said” don’t u dare comfort her or give her any advice about her situation, because you suck at it” then all the triggers just came back, and i cried really hard, my husband came to me and held me in his arm said” don’t worry, i learned from my mistake, oh, poor baby, what have i done to you”.
After he left for work, i felt so bad for him, i don’t know how long he can take my craziness. l know he is the one who screwed up, but when should i let it go? In one hand, yeah, people make mistakes, you should give him a break, but in the other hand, lots of people will repeat the same mistake over and over, will i ever get over it?
SadAndBroken said:
Holly – my husband’s emotional affair went on for almost 2 years – the physical part happened this past March (only because they’ve been physically apart and he was on a visit to his native country). I almost feel like the emotional part is worse than the physical – it hurts me more. Why do you feel that the therapy isn’t helpful? The reason I ask is because I went to see a marriage therapist by myself first (that was her recommendation) and then he went to see her by himself yesterday. He told me what was said throughout the session (if he’s telling me the truth) and it’s all bullshit – I can’t imagine a therapist would say these things. She told him that if I can’t handle him telling me when he hears from the other person then he just should just stop telling me. Also that she doesn’t see a problem with him remaining friends with this person as long as they aren’t demanding anything else from him. Seriously????? Now he could just be telling me a bunch of lies but I don’t know. She also told him she doesn’t think he and I need to go to counseling together – I’m the one who needs the help (i.e., with my low self esteem, etc.). I’ve decided today that I’m going to find a new therapist and just go by myself. If anything maybe she can help me communicate better with him, feel better about myself and teach me how to demand respect in my marriage. I’m so thankful to have found this blog and people like you who can relate to this horrible situation. I never thought I’d be a member of this club but when it comes down to it, you don’t really know someone or what they’re capable of.
shatteredwife said:
No therapist would ever say any of those things! You guys need to sit in front of a therapist TOGETHER – it’s the only way. I don’t understand why he’d be telling you this stuff. Maybe he really hates the idea of therapy? People don’t like facing their demons, their truth, their reality, which is what therapy is about. Please try a few sessions together with an experienced marriage therapist. SWxo
Holly said:
I just did a long comment and my Phone crashed! Anyway I agree with SW a therapist would never say that! I think therapy is a necessary step in repairing and moving on (whether that be together or apart)and we will continue. When he lied to my face it made me feel like what the point of therapy if he isn’t actually listening or trying because our therapist was very clear that for me to ever begin to trust again be he needed to be completely transparent! That is what I mean when I said I wasn’t finding it very helpful so far.
shatteredwife said:
I hate it when my phone does that! You are absolutely correct, complete transparency and absolutely no contact with the whore are key to healing. SWxo
SadAndBroken said:
I completely agree with both of you – when I found out about the affair he was all for going to therapy but now all of a sudden he is completely against it. I’m sure he just doesn’t want to face his demons. It hurts me that he won’t even do that for me. I will still go alone though so perhaps the therapist can help me come to a decision. I can’t think straight right now, it’s all too new. I called a different therapist today because although I don’t know whether he’s telling me the truth about the other one or not, there were some red flags for me aside from that. When they came out of her office she said to me “I’ll call you to make an appointment….I’m very busy right now.” I don’t think that was an appropriate thing for her to say – she doesn’t know what my state of mind is right now, what if I need to talk to her right away?? And by the way she hasn’t called me yet so I just don’t get the feeling that she cares about anything.
shatteredwife said:
Gosh, I hope you can find a better therapist than that! You deserve someone who understands how fragile you are right now. Best of luck with the next one. SWxo
laurelwolfelives said:
My heart absolutely aches for you and no, I’m not going to tell you to go ahead and leave him. It’s easy to say but not easy to do. I just stumbled onto you blog. I just recently joined the “sisterhood of broken hearts” and although it is horrible to read others blogs, it gives me a sort of comfort.
shatteredwife said:
Hello, and I’m sorry you’ve joined our ranks. I remember in the early days, reading the blogs of others going through the same painful journey brought me immense comfort. When you feel ready, please tell us a bit about where you are at. You will find love and support here. Sending you strength. SWxo
laurelwolfelives said:
You can see my progress (or lack of) in my blog. If you start with “The Beginning” it will give you an idea of what caused “my journey into darkness.” I’m still struggling, like so many of us out there.
shatteredwife said:
Thank you for sharing. SWxo
rippedapart said:
Just wanted to chime in: It’s been 9 months since D day. We see a marriage counselor together weekly. It took me about 3 sessions before I decided that I actually liked her. Now I like her a lot. We are doing IMAGO therapy with her, which I really don’t like but it seems to be helpful. It is learning a new way to communicate with each other. I feel like I am finally starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Husband goes twice weekly for individual therapy to figure out why he did what he did. I am starting to see huge improvements in attitude and behavior towards me. One of the things that has been really helpful for me has been EMDR. My therapist suggested it because I could not stop obsessing about the whore (my so called “friend”), about the text messages, the visuals and my desire to severely hurt her. Nothing quite like being stabbed in the front and the back at the same time. Anyway, I thought EMDR was quackery but it has been really, really helpful. Not obsessing has freed me to move forward. Still no guarantees and it is SO much work trying to make it work and recover from what I never asked to be part of. Yesterday was the first day I actually felt that feeling of security again, just a little.
One more thing: I read the book “How can I ever forgive you” by Janis Spring because I couldn’t grasp the concept of forgiving. Reading the chapter on how to earn forgiveness was an Ah Ha moment. I asked husband to read the chapter on how to earn forgiveness and he is working through it (S-l-o-w reader). Earning forgiveness seems so much more logical than me just forgiving to feel better. Forgiving the whore is a completely different story……..
I love your blog and it has been immensely helpful. Thank you to you and everyone that contributes.
The most devastating club to be a member of 😦
shatteredwife said:
Thank you, rippedapart, and welcome. I haven’t come across IMAGO or EDMR. Our therapist used EFT, also considered pseudoscientific, but had some benefit for us. The Janis Spring book sounds interesting, too. I have a huge problem with forgiveness and would probably benefit from reading it. Thank you for your wonderful contribution. You are welcome here any time. SWxo
itstillhurts said:
It’s been 4 years for me and I still think about it every fucking day. Every once in a while (last night) he says something stupid and it turns into a fight. I have no respect for him at all. I don’t trust or believe him at all. Yet we are still together.
shatteredwife said:
I don’t think you EVER stop thinking about it. I’m so sorry you are still suffering 4 years later. SWxo
Jan said:
It happened to my best friend (now 62) when she was 22 and had three small children. Her husband actually fancied himself in love with the other woman and was planning to run off with her. Long story short, he came to his senses and they stayed together and have had a nice life. So when it happened to me this year, I asked her how she got over it. She said, “You don’t ever get over it, but it does get easier with time. My marriage was important to me. We talked it out, then never spoke of it again.” Unfortunately, I have not be quite so gracious in my situation.
rippedapart said:
A couple of other things I wanted to add that have been helpful: These were both recommended by our marriage counselor. #1, date night, one night a week. Just us, no talk of affair, just enjoy each other and do something fun. This has worked fairly well. Occasionally there is a trigger and although the therapist suggested to let it go for that night, sometimes it is just not possible. So then that date night didn’t really count. #2, pick 2 times a week, agreed upon times, and for up to one hour I can ask questions about the affair. We do Monday and Friday mornings. Sometimes it feels impossible to wait, but I do. Sometimes I have no questions, sometimes many. He has been completely transparent and answers all of my questions honestly, as painful as that sometimes is to hear. (At least I think he is being honest).
Then it is not everyday, ongoing, in your face at all times.
He told me tonight that he is more in touch with his feelings than he has ever been and he is disgusted with himself for what he did. So….hopefully moving in the right direction. It is a rough road, without a doubt.
shatteredwife said:
Some great tips, thank you for sharing! SWxo
Jan said:
We’re doing the date nights too and it does help. Oh…..I know about those triggers. Aren’t they awful? They come out of nowhere.
Scared to care said:
I need prayers for God to take away the feelings my husband has for the other woman. He tried to forget her but can’t. He doesn’t want to make a mistake by going with her and realizing what an idiot he was. I am telling him to stay with me and stop talking to her. He asked me for some time and space. I know God wants our marriage to work. The devil is tempting him to leave me. My H said he had a panic attack yesterday. Doesn’t know what he wants. She’s like heroine so of course he’s addicted and can’t think straight. He is a smart guy and that’s probably why he’s not left me yet. I wasn’t the greatest wife but it was mostly because he didn’t treat me right unless I was a bitch. I hated being mean and bitchy but it’s what worked for 17 years. Until it didn’t work. I’ve told him that I will never go back to being that way but that he can’t go back to mistreating me. I guess I need to wait for God to help us out. I took off my ring. I told him I would wear it again when he puts it on my finger. And it better be for life. I’ve also stopped having sex. This might make him cheat on me but hopefully he’ll miss our 3x a day romps. I just want him to pick me.
aj said:
I didn’t even read the comments on this post. ..I’m sure from your ammendment that there were a lot of negative, counter productive ones! I just want to say that I feel the EXACT same as you! Husband cheated online, kids (my daughter was 15 months at D day), little to no income of my own, shared assets (we just moved into a newly built house 2 weeks after I found out about the affair)….but the thing that hit me the most about our shared experience is the “self hate” for staying with him….I’m riddled with it…racked with it…I can’t escape it…it comes in waves and drowns me! I want to stay ONLY for the kids but i know that isnt right….right? Will they grow up sensing the anger, hatred, contempt. ..what damage am I doing? I don’t know!
Thank u for sharing your thoughts and struggles….It means so much to read someone else who is a bunk mate in this hell that is the aftermath of an affair.
shatteredwife said:
Hello AJ, feel free to read the comments! I’m sorry you’ve joined this club. I’m doing much better at the moment, thanks to medication. I got sick of suffering. I have a half-written blog in the works… SWxo
betrayedandhurt said:
I’m so sorry SW. I have moved to D. Back in spring an ex-GF sent him a FB message — which he showed me! Asking about his advice for things to go with her latest boy toy. He showed me he told her he wasn’t talking about that sort of stuff any more.
He still would not give me FB access, or finish his timeline. And he did not choose in that moment to tell me that the ex-GF knew his fetish site username and he gave it to her the year we were married when he initiated an email affair with her.
I could not bear his selfish shame and his entitlement to privacy and hiding and avoidance because otherwise he would overwhelmed. With the consequences of what he did, but he never added that, just the ‘overwhelmed’. As if I was not crushed under realizing my H had profound issues with intimacy and vulnerability and that he stole — STOLE — our marriage from me. I found saved chat transcripts, other women telling him they loved him and him saying that made him want to cry. Asking them for photos — twenty somethings sent him photos, dozens.
I wish he was someone else, because the parts that were good were actually good. The rest is part of the package and I decided to ultimatum him — all password, complete transparency and dealing with why he had affairs came before any marriage issues because of the obvious. I knew something was wrong and he lied to me from the very beginning.
I know you have little ones and every possible path from here hurts and is awful — caused again by our cheater spouses.
shatteredwife said:
I’m so sorry to hear that’s where things are at 😦 Why can’t some husbands do whatever is necessary to re-earn our trust? I wish you love and strength as your journey down this road continues. SWxo
SadAndBroken said:
Those husbands that can’t do whatever is necessary to re-earn our trust (I have one) are (1) selfish; (2) in denial about the destruction they actually caused; and (3) probably not willing to give up that other life just yet. We’re all smart women here and when we sense those red flags we know deep down inside something is wrong. Speaking for myself, I’m in denial – it’s hard to really take a good look and realize you’re not having a dream. If it was one of my girlfriends instead of me living this nightmare I would support whatever decision she made but I would secretly be thinking that she was crazy for putting up with all the lies and betrayal especially if she knew about it. All of us have different issues with self-esteem and self-worth – I will admit that I’m not strong enough to pull the plug on my marriage yet. I look up to those women who are – the ones who can look their husbands in the face and tell them they’re better than what they’re being handed and they demand respect. I hope I can get to that point one day.
betrayedandhurt said:
Yes, selfishness, shame and low self worth. I wish I could love him through that. I think he knows what he has lost and even that won’t shake his self righteousness that he will not be in a relationship with someone who wants her needs to come first. The needs I have right now he fucking caused with his cheating. I never felt he owned that responsibility! He wouldn’t assert that all the time until I felt reassured. He wouldn’t really do anything I needed to feel reassured. It all had to be on his terms, what he could manage, what would leave him with energy for what he REALLY wanted to be doing (his work and .. play).
I was in love with who I thought he could be if he would stop being so selfish and avoidant. But .. he IS that selfish! And because he doesn’t love himself he cannot love others. My loving him did not help him love himself and really hurt me. And the kids. He was cheating before (and after…) the first. I knew something was off and I accepted his avoidance. That’s on me.
Inaction is action.
Lulu said:
I was seeing someone for the last month who seemed like a great guy who did all the right things, but there was always something off about him in the way he talked and acted. After what I’ve been through, naturally I have trust issues and couldn’t bring myself to believe everything he said. “I’ll believe it when I see it”.
Last Friday he gave me some bullshit story about not being able to do dinner that night because he was going to GENEVA in SWITZERLAND that same weekend for a month! This is despite having only spoken to each other on the previous Mon and Wed nights and agreeing to arrange dinner! I dumped him like a stone right there and then.
Going off my instincts, the weird vibes and this sudden bizarre scenario, I did some research and it turns out the guy is a classic textbook example of a sociopath!
Moral of this random story: being cheated on equips you with a sharp bullshit radar that can save you from a psycho! I also did a bit of digging around (we’re so good at that now, aren’t we?) and I found out that the guy put an ad on a sexual employment website to recruit hardcore porn actors!!! I’m not kidding.
Ladies, some good can come out of all our craziness after all!
P.S. Beware of online dating. I’m now hyper aware of more possible psychopaths lurking amongst the ads. Stay safe.
shatteredwife said:
Oh Lulu, I’m so sorry you wasted a month of your life with such a deceptive human being! Geneva? Hardcore porn actors? Goodness, it’s laughable! Yes, our bullshit radars become very finely tuned post affair, whether we stay with our cheating partners or move on. I hate that I’ve become this suspicious, digging-around spouse when I never used to be 😦 SWxo
Lulu said:
Better one month than the 6 years I wasted with my arsehole ex who deceived me for over 14 months in the end. Never again will I be able to completely trust a partner.
Being a suspicious, digging-around spouse isn’t great but in this unusual case, it actually saved me from a lot of potential heartache. I put this down to a good life lesson learnt.
SadAndBroken said:
This is what I’m struggling with now – all the suspicions and digging – it’s ruining my life. I feel like I’ve become paranoid and unstable – it’s almost an obsession right now. It’s not our fault – our husbands did this to us but now how do we stop?
IM said:
I found your post, like many responders after discovering my husbands affair. My discovery is only a week old. Our marriage is 28 years long, together for 30 years. First boyfriend / girlfriend. I was 15 when I met him. We have two children together – one is adult and one is a teenager who lives with us… Too much to tell and I am not making much sense right now, after 7 sleepless nights. Thank you for sharing. At least I do not feel that alone.
shatteredwife said:
IM, I really am so sorry you find yourself here, a member of this miserable club for betrayed spouses (BS). You are about to embark on the most awful journey of your life. You will stop sleeping. You will stop eating. You will stop functioning. You will have a million questions running through your brain. But we are here to tell you that there is an end and this pain. It won’t last forever, nor will it kill you (although part of you certainly dies.) We are a community of women in the same boat, please feel free to come by any time and ask anything you like. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Jan said:
I remember the shock stage, IM, and it lasts quite a while. During the shock stage we can’t make good life decisions, one way or the other, so it is important to bide our time while all of the facts unfold. And there will be new facts forthcoming even months later. A good counselor helps to guide us through.
Dickhead Husband said:
SW, Today I have read the entire blog beginning to end. I am the asshole cheating husband. I had an emotional affair and D-day for my wife was a little over a year ago. She asked me to read this to help understand how she feels. Thank you for sharing. I know all the blame falls on me and I am trying to do whatever it takes to “fix” our marriage though I now understand it will never be completely fixed. Again, thank you for blogging your experience and helping me understand what my wife is feeling and unable to explain. I wish you all the best.
PS. We are 35 and 36 with 3 kids: 7, 3, and 3 (yes, twins)
shatteredwife said:
Thank you for writing, DH. It’s not often we hear from the cheating spouse. Are you able to give us a bit of an insight into what you were going through at the time of the affair? I imagine it was the monotony and insanity of life with such heavy responsibility… Can you tell us from your point of view what led to the affair and what the affair did for you? How long did it last, and how did your wife discover it? SWxo
Dickhead Husband said:
Our marriage had gotten very routine. We often argued about how we were more like roommates than husband and wife. I had just started a new job that took me out of state for most of the week that was great financially but didn’t help with the family responsibilities. Anyway, it all started one summer day when a group of guy friends all went out for a day on the lake full of drinking and acting stupid. This was an annual outing where the wives knew there would be women and harmless flirting was expected or even allowed knowing that the guys would keep each other in check. I ended up meeting a woman who lived in another state (not the one where I traveled for work) and harmless flirting ensued. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. We exchanged phone numbers and I told her I was divorced. The day on the lake ended and we all went back to our normal lives. The following week while I was out of town for work in began texting the other woman. It all started what I considered innocent at the time. Mostly getting to know each other stuff and being texting “pen pals”. She was divorced with 2 kids. She thought I was divorced with my 3 kids. Then I made the 2nd biggest mistake of my life. I lied to my wife and kids saying I had to stay out of town for work over the weekend and went to visit the OW. There was never any sex or even kissing. What I was getting was attention from someone who gave me compliments and made me feel good. My wife found out easily enough by checking phone records and asked about one particular number that had a ton of text messages and phone calls. This was only around a month after everything started. Then the separation process started. I knew I didn’t want to be with the OW, but I was convinced I didn’t want to be with my wife anymore. I had never heard of an emotional affair before and told myself and my wife that what I had with the OW was only a friendship. After almost 3 months of separation I decided the grass wasn’t greener on the other side and begged to come back. My wife agreed with the condition that she have access to everything and I cut all ties with the OW. I fought the cutting ties thing because to me in my screwed up mind, it was a harmless friendship. I finally saw the light and cut all ties. The 1 year anniversary of cut ties will be in about 6 weeks. The whole affair from swapping numbers to cut ties was roughly 5 months.
shatteredwife said:
Thank you for sharing your personal story. It’s easy to see how an emotional affair can progress so bloody fast. I’m always amazed at how husbands in general come to the conclusion that because there was no sex involved, they can remain friends with the women that inflicted such pain and intense suffering on their wife. But as you said, you came to your senses. How is your marriage different now? SWxo
Jan said:
DHH, I can tell you from experience that the pain your wife feels is the deepest cutting pain in the world. My husband’s story is similar except there WAS sex. The whole roommates thing rings a big bell. Then there was his ego, stroked by all the attention and compliments. Why can’t men just be faithful, and realize that marriage can be mundane and routine in its very nature? Women seem to be able to handle it.
Robin said:
Thank you for sharing it gives hope. My husband after a one and half year freindship lol on facebook, texting, emails, and phone calls, and 8 month separation. We have been back together now for a year and half he has slowly come to the truth of what he has done, but he still follows her on facebook through a separate facebook account. Yes I know about it and it has been our biggest fight, but last month he finally has decided he needs to shut this down this is the last bit of contact from a distance that he has of her.
We celebrate our 35th anniversary this month the last 3 have been bitter sweet, this year though he wants to do something special. I still don’t have the emotional care for this….I found this site looking up PTSD because last week I went north for 5 days to spend with the grand kids and than came home to being an emotional basket case.
Does it get better yes and no the pain of betrayal is still there, because this was not the man I married the loving, caring man who adored me loved and respected me, yet was able to take all we had and let himself get sucked into a relationship that almost destroyed our marriage.
The hardest part is you slowly start to heal and they pick up the bow and shoot another arrow through your already broken heart and emotions. At what point do you say enough is enough, at what point do you look at yourself and realize the awesome person you are, the beautiful person you are, it is hard to tell yourself that when you are chasing babies around the house and just trying to keep up with life. You have to constantly tell yourself you are a better woman than any of those women out there.
You can only depend on yourself, I found out no one really cared and if they did they couldn’t fix it. Even the man I loved was so screwed up in the head, he couldn’t help himself let alone me. It comes down to the point where we have to get almost selfish and take care of me first. When a tornado comes through and destroys the house where do you start, where do you begin. You grab the innocent ones protect them and find shelter and help for yourself, for your soul that is all that matters at this point. Can’t change him or fix him he has to come to that point himself, but as he begins to see this confident woman lol on the outside, and as you make yourself immune to his stupidity, you can heal.
Will your marriage heal they tell me time will heal it, yes in some ways it is better, and other times I look at my husband and wonder who in the world you are. Very frustrating because I still question if I will ever love him like before, it is more like a friendship love right now, but they say time helps.
One thing in all of this I found someone who has stuck with me in all my ugliness, my emotional ups and downs, my wanting to die, my wanting to rip her hair out, my wanting to destroy my husband the way he did me…I found someone that picked me up off the battlefield of death he didn’t offer me a crutch he used a stretcher to carry me off the field and bandage my broken battered heart, mind, soul, and emotions….people say it is crutch, but not for me it was what breathed life back into me helped me see in the end there is know one there for you when you take this final walk through life so pick wisely who you do this with, because ALL people on this earth will fail you that was the hardest thing as I struggled to pull myself out of the battlefield no one else was there for me not even the man I loved…so the journey continues, but now I have a friend that sticks closer than a brother and understands the ultimate betrayal……I pray healing for all of you there is no greater pain other than death and that would have been easier……
shatteredwife said:
Hello Robin, yes it’s hard to believe discovering an affair leads to PTSD, but it definitely does. It is so emotionally soul-destroying. I understand about not caring enough to do anything special for your anniversary… Here, the day passes like any other and we do not acknowledge it. It’s sad. But I don’t feel like celebrating. It seems hollow. Thank you for sharing your story. Please drop by any time. SWxo
Jan said:
Robin you make a great point, one that I would like to remember always. “You are a better woman.”
Of course I am!!! Heads and shoulders above her! She’s never accomplished anything, lives hand to mouth, even has a criminal record! I have never been arrested, am educated, am a Certified Public Accountant (no small feat, that exam), and have raised two beautiful accomplished children! And most importantly, I would never cheat on my significant other, and certainly never with a married man.
So yes….I am the better woman by far!
Thank you for reminding me to look at that aspect.
Renee said:
I too just came across this blog and it has been extremely insightful and also help me justify my feelings and thoughts; not that they need to but no one can only truly understand what it is you are going through until it happens to them and even than its hard to understand cause everyones situation and feelings are different. Thank you for sharing your story, my husbands affair was almost 6 months before the truth came out in a very cowardly way cause I confronted him on more than one occasion and it was always denial or that it was in my head; which when I found out the truth through his email account everything was there, and it made the reality and all the words and them planing a future together was laid out in front of me which at that point, I thought it was going to destroy me and we are now almost 10 months into “D” day.
A roller coaster of emotions everyday and at any given time I can snap and just go back into that dark place, which at this point at least it’s not as often but I feel if my husband would show me more affection and prove to me by his actions cause we all know their words mean shit at this point that we would be further along; but he also doesn’t make easy
and at times I think he is up to something and maybe he’s not but how does that feeling go away when so many lies have been told.
It does eventually get easy for any one reading this who just started this miserable crusade on trying to figure out how to rebuild their life and themselves; it takes a lot of hard work, courage, and support but at some point s light bulb clicked and I stopped solely focusing on the affair and my cheating husband and started focusing back on my child and the things I used to like and started new hobbies like exercising and running to help distract me and it has done wonders for my health and not to mention my wardrobe.
As far as my marriage, Some days I feel I am ready to move on and others I still feel very attached and want to believe I am still in love with him even after everything he has done.. I have realized there is no time limit when going through this cause there are so many emotions and struggles to this process and I guess and hope that at some point I will know what’s going to be right decision for me.
Wish this blog did not exist, that all of us didn’t have a horrific ending to a storybook romance or hoping that karma will show up sooner than later for those who caused us this much pain and self doubt…. But I have found great strength, courage, and hope when I have read this incredible journey shattered by affair has shared with us and the inspirations of all the comments that you all have left,
Wish you all the best ❤️
shatteredwife said:
Hi Renee, I’m sorry you’re here joining us. Thank you for sharing your story and your kind words. Sounds like the affair went pretty far if he was planning a future with the other woman. How did it all come undone? This is so hard to go through with children. I commend your strength. Unfortunately, the rollercoaster ride continues for a while longer. The ups and downs make you think you’re going crazy. But you’re smart enough to have worked out you need to look after yourself first. I took a long time to get to that stage. Be strong, you are welcome here any time. SWxo
Ollie said:
Thank you for opening yourself up. I am two weeks out from D-day and struggling. I stumbled upon your blog while trying to avoid a “support” site where it seems many responses were doing more harm to me. I was exhausted trying to follow every post up with further clarification, information, or defense of myself. In short, you had me at your addendum!
Overall, I hear myself in you, from the three little kids to the strong language to the anger. I look forward to reading your story more fully, but I wanted to take a moment to say the one post I have read makes me feel I have a kindred spirit across the globe. We all have different experiences and reasons for doing what we choose to do in the midst of the shit show that is infidelity. I thank you for sharing your story.
shatteredwife said:
Hello Ollie and welcome. As you’ve discovered, there are ‘support’ sites out there which do nothing of the sort. I’m glad you’ve found me and the wonderful fellow betrayed spouses who regularly visit this true support blog! Thank you for your very kind words, I hope you find some strength here knowing you aren’t alone and that the feelings of craziness are completely normal. You are safe here, my kindred spirit. SWxo
Amanda said:
I feel just as defeated as you do. I have two kids and my husband cheated on me for 3 years and 8 months and I’m still here :(. I found out 3 years ago but it feels like yesterday!!! It’s so depressing 😦
shatteredwife said:
It’s staggering how long the effects of discovering your husband’s affair can last. Hugs to you. SWxo
Jan said:
Amanda I found out in February about a brief 3 or 4 month affair. The counselor told me it would take 9 months to get over it. Ha ha…I’m not over it. But I do hate to hear that 3 years out, you’re still in pain. Do you find that as time goes on, it does get better? Have you tried counseling? My husband keeps saying, “I’m here, aren’t I”? He wants things all back to normal.
Amanda said:
Makes me so annoyed that they want things back to normal. Well then you shouldn’t have had an affair :(.
I don’t think time heals per say. I believe new experiences are made etc and the affair just gets pushed further away. So are you healed??? Or is it just that the passage of time makes you think about it less? If I sit down and really think about it, I get myself worked up and I’m back to the day I found out. So if I can still get that upset, I’m not healed.
We did counselling, my husband does try to be supportive. But nothing will take away what he did.
Valerie said:
Amanda, I am about 6yrs into this and I too am still here. It still feels as raw as the first day I found out. There are days I look at myself and wonder what happened to me. I have never been able to really love him the way I used to. I thought time would heal my heart, and on some days it is pretty good, but I never looked at him the same as I did before I found out. It’s so sad and still unbelievable that someone who loves someone could ever do that. How do you raise your daughter to be stronger or better? Mine were little and now are 15 and 19. It never seems to get easier. I just found this blog and it was like reading my own journal! I never knew others felt so much the way I did/do. Support is good.
Amanda said:
Support is so very important and yet none of the people who are privy to what happened ask how I am anymore (like haven’t asked for over 2 years). It’s like, well she must be fine now.
You do not get “over” something like this, just like you don’t get over a loved ones death. They say affair is akin to a death, because it’s literally the death of your old marriage, the death of your trust for him.
I’ve been told you need to look at the marriage now as if you are building a new one.
And time doesn’t heal, it just doesn’t, it’s just you make so many new memories that the old ones are pushed away. But if u think about them it’s just as hard as it was then.
I don’t love my husband like I used to either, because they aren’t the same person, they have changed in our eyes. I never thought my husband was capable of this, so did I ever really know him in the first place?
We can give our daughters the skills to be strong but no one can be prepared for this, we just have to hope they never have to go through this.
I told my husband, can you imagine if someone did this to our daughter? And he was so enraged because he would hate that guy and yet he is that guy ;(
Karen said:
I am sorry for your pain. On 10/11/2015 I found out my husband of 28 years was having an affair with / women, now it turns out to be more as he was on Ashley Madison.
I am sick. I love my husband. We have children older than yours, but I never want them to see their father in this light. It will change their lives forever.
The counsel said I am not to make any decision for 2 years. This is pure hell.
I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I am so shut down. I forget everything. I pray. For what I don’t know but I pray this pain will ease.
I will pray for you too.
shatteredwife said:
I’m so sorry you are suffering, Karen. It really is living in a nightmare, especially in the first two years. The early days are incredibly shit. There’s no sugar-coating it. I agree, no major decisions for now. Your brain has a lot to process right now. SWxo
ndwannabe1 said:
Karen I am so sorry. Saw your timeline (28 years married, just found out of a 2 years affair)
I feel sick to my stomach too. I have tons of issues that are laying heavy on me (autoimmune disease, quickly progressing, limited ability to walk / to move, etc…). I also undertook a huge task of getting another degree and currently am struggling with re-taking the exit test for the forth time.
Our kids do not know either.
I do not know what I will say to the counselor – how can I recite our 30 years together to a stranger, even if the stranger is a professional?
My husband was my counselor, my support, my person to rely on – all yanked off from under me 4 weeks ago.
Thank you so much for sharing. Somehow it feels less painful when you can talk to people who understand.
shatteredwife said:
When I first discovered my husband’s affair, I read every blog I could that was written by a betrayed wife. Those words from others in the same boat kept me sane. I had no idea others were h going through what I was going through. I hope this blog helps you. SWxo
Nicole said:
Thank you For sharing. I am hurting right now and need someone who understands. My Husband betrayed me and while I was at home with the kids and working he was in Chicago with the Bitch having a ball. He looked so happy in his pictures. I want to punch them both in their stomachs. He wants to prove to me his love. I don’t want to accept it right now. I need him to beg me, to kiss my ass. We have 5 kids. I am numb. No more tears.
shatteredwife said:
I’m so sorry your heart is hurting, Nicole. This really is the worst thing you will ever go through. You will find much love and support here. SWxo
nothatemyhusband said:
Yup.. two years coming up in April.. not sure how to deal with that.. ❤
Jan said:
Nicole I have punched my husband in the face, hard, several times over the last 9 months. The angry rage comes out of nowhere. Sometimes I love him to pieces and others I want to kill him in a painful way.
Mine really is trying hard on our relationship, I have to give him that. But he wants me to forget it and move on. He doesn’t understand that I am still hurting.
Today I gave him this analogy: “Suppose you had a million dollars in a safe and trusted me so much that you gave me a key, and you never ever counted the money. (I gave him the key to my heart, and trusted it so much I never doubted him or suspected him of infidelity).
“Now suppose I confessed to you that I had taken the money and spent it, just because I wanted to, it made me feel good. Imagine how you would feel, knowing that I had betrayed your trust, and further, discovering that I was not the person you thought I was.”
He replied: “I never meant to hurt you, I’m so sorry, and if I could, I would take it back.”
You know, I really do love him, and he is terribly important to me. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without him.
It’s like being caught between a rock and a hard place! I’m hurt, and want to get as far away from the hurt as possible, but can’t because I know without him I would be lost!
Mind you, he is 75, I am 62. Those of you who are much younger might be able to find love again. At my age, I don’t choose to do that.
Tee said:
Wow. I came across this website because I am trying to understand the why’s of cheating. I broke up with a guy several years ago. We remained friends (yes friends) and I moved on with my life. A few months ago he contacted me to apologize for the harsh way he had treated me during our relationship. I tried calling him and found his number was disconnected, so went online to find a new one. Lo and behold, there are his engagement photos. He was engaged. Not knowing that I knew, I called him and congratulated and wanted to know what he wanted. He said he felt bad for how he had treated me and wanted to meet to apologize. Not one to hold grudges, I met with him for coffee and accepted the apology, wished him well, said I would miss him, congratulated him on his upcoming nuptials, and figured that was the end of that.
Lo and behold, a few days later I am getting emails from him about how much he misses me, how he wants to be with me one last time, for old times sake. I remind him that I am divorced because my ex had a girlfriend. Having gone through that pain, I would never do that to anyone. And I cautioned him about getting married if cheating was already on his mind. In the meantime, he has a glitzy wedding planned with his adoring and unsuspecting fiance. He tells me his new fiance makes him happy, but they don’t have a great bedroom life. My response was polite but firm. You put a ring on her finger, get it from her. If you can’t be happy with her, then don’t get married. This is the rest of your life. He says it is just one last time and does not mean anything. Wow.
A few days after their honeymoon, I receive a text message from him telling me how much he misses me. I am flabbergasted. I go online and find their wedding pics on the wedding photographers website. He sang his vows to her in front of all their friends. The photographer gushes about their awesome love is for each other, what a wonderful couple they are (do all wedding photographers say that?). I ended the relationship years ago with him because I knew it would not work – different races. But I struggle with the thought of contacting this woman and letting her know she should be on her guard. Or do I ruin her dream? If you are a man and have a new wife, new car, new house – why do you need me? Why come to me after all this time and want me to crawl into bed with you? Why get married? He is Asian so perhaps the expectation was that he needed to settle down and have kids, but still. I struggle to understand. My ex husband cheated on me, and it was pretty devastating when I found out. I found out later that he was told by his parents he needed to settle down and get married and have kids, so he chose me. Seemed like deja vu. Why go into a marriage knowing you are not happy and are already trying to cheat?
Lulu said:
Because he is a coward. Doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his parents and live his own life, doesn’t have the balls to be honest with his fiance. You keep doing the right thing, stay out of it. He’s going to ruin her life. Just wait and see.
betrayedandhurt said:
Oh God PLEASE TELL HER. Please please please.
18 years of marriage and I find out my stupid STBX emailed an ex-GF a couple months after the wedding. In the same email that he talks glowingly about the wedding he asked her about their past sexual relationship and starts emailing sex stories about the two of them back and forth. From there online chatrooms, IRC, dating sites… and I’m completely faithful and so confused about what happened to our love and sex life.
If she had told me, my life would be so different today. He cheated our whole marriage. I was cheated out of so much for almost 20years. The love, affection, time, energy, passion, commitment.
Lulu said:
On second thoughts, I agree with BAH. Tell her to save her. A little pain now is nothing compared to the pain she would feel if she were to find out years down the track, especially if kids come into the picture etc. Tell her and show her the evidence. The sooner the better.
Tee said:
How do I tell her? I have her work email (she is an attorney in Vegas, he is a waiter), and I know if I mailed something to his old address it would get forwarded, but if I did say something, HE would know it was from me and that would be so hard. Last thing I need is some pissed off guy getting mad at me. I think about my marriage and how everyone lied to me about my ex’s cheating (apparently, he made a habit of it). I Most of my friends are like, oh well, don’t say anything to her, but I am really stumped. She is an attorney so she has the big bucks. The thing that always bothered me was that he was proud of the fact that she did not know. He was proud. I got so sick I almost threw up. He had it down to a science when he came by to “apologize”. Let’s get a room, I can pay cash…can’t leave a paper trail. So geez, I’d love to…save her years of heartache, but I keep hoping maybe he won’t cheat on her…
By the way, my hats are off to everyone who has gone through this…all you ladies deserve a medal…for loving and supporting one another. For hanging in there. I am gaining strength just from reading through what is here. Also…great song I listen to – Madonna – You’ll See
You think that I can’t live without your love
You’ll see,
You think I can’t go on another day.
You think I have nothing
Without you by my side,
You’ll see
Somehow, some way
You think that I can never laugh again
You’ll see,
You think that you destroyed my faith in love.
You think after all you’ve done
I’ll never find my way back home,
You’ll see
Somehow, someday
Lulu said:
He was PROUD of his not getting caught? Let’s see how quickly that smug arsehole’s smile will disappear if his wife finds out! He’d be too busy dealing with HER fury to possibly be angry at you! He should be ashamed of his behavior, you would have only done the right thing by telling her.
Also sounds like he may financially depend on her so let’s see who’ll be ‘proud’ if any of this comes to light. What a freakin’ douchebag! Sorry, it just makes me so mad.
If he contacts you again, warn him that you will tell his wife if he ever suggests something so disrespectful again. If he calls your bluff, follow through.
Just think, how much does this guy think of YOU if he just wants to have a final fuck and then drop you?? You deserve respect!
Jan said:
It won’t matter what you tell her….she won’t believe it….or she’ll think, “he LOVES me so it will be different.” Been there done that. She will believe what she wants to believe. So, if you tell her, you will be the one with egg on your face. You’ve heard of shooting the messenger?
Tee said:
Thanks for the encouragement. Most of my friends say I should not contact her…if I do it is out of jealousy and resentment…and that I need to check my motives…trying to get back at her for him not choosing me…(uh, I broke up with him, so not that). I first had the mindset, okay, if I do tell her it is out of revenge. Everyone pretty much has been saying don’t do it…you’ll get in the middle, she’ll find out soon enough, what will you accomplish…just move on. But I struggle with not saying anything because to me it is just sickening…she seems like such a nice person – don’t know her personally. I have been struggling with this for months now. I hate struggling. Everytime I go to email her, I have people saying “don’t do it”. Argh. Yeah, what a winner…yeah, the guy…what a winner. I broke up with him long ago for that reason. And yes, he was proud of the fact that she did not know. When I heard that from him, I got so sick I almost threw up…sat for a long time near the toilet trying not to be sick. Thank you ladies for supporting me but especially each other. If a website existed like this years ago when I went through my divorce, I would not have been such a basket case. you are all awesome…:)
Valerie said:
I think you should give her a heads up. Of course she won’t want to believe it, but you’ll have planted the seed. She thinks he shits rainbows right now, but to find out 10yrs into her marriage will be worse. What she does with the info is up to her.
Nina said:
My husband cheated with escorts. He was inviting them to our garage when me and our kids were at home,sleeping. It messed me up so much. I can’t leave right now.Every time I say something about it he gets mad, he acts like he doesn’t regreat it. And he looks for stuff to be mad at me. Wont be surprise if he is still cheating. I suffer inside. Hate him and still love.
shatteredwife said:
That’s so awful, Nina. I’m so sorry you’re in that situation. Your husband sounds like a PIG 😦 SWxo
ndwannabe1 said:
Oh Nina, I know the love and hate feeling. Tears you apart.
Jan said:
I agree Nina, what a pig to do it right under your nose in your own house! I understand the love hate feelings. My feelings keep changing. Lately they’ve been negative and I am gaining weight over it. My emotions keep changing. Right now, I’m in the “I can’t possibly know who you are” stage.
Sadface said:
It’s been over a year since the day I discovered my H’s EA with his ex howorker. My husband is trying so hard to prove to me that he is really a good guy who made a mistake. I’m still batshit crazy though. The other day, we drove to a mall, and in the car we were talking about smoking is bad for people, and he said lots of his famale coworkers smoke, and starting to gave names, but he didn’t mention the whore’s name, so I was so mad, I said ” aren’t that trash smoking like chimney, why didn’t you mention her name”, he said he didn’t want to upset me. After a while, we were talking about hardworking people, he said “most my coworkers are pretty lazy, only a few are hardworking people” and starting to gave me names again, and the whore’s name was mentioned, I was furious again, I said” the only reason she works hard is because she wanted your attention, why the hell did you mention her name for?”. So he is like” if I mention about her is not right, if I don’t mention about her is not right, what do you want me to do?” I said” how about if you say shitty thing about people, like homewreckers, fat and ugly, stupid people, then mention her, but if you want to praise someone, leave that bitch out.” He looked at me with fear. I told him if we ever talk about her, he can’t use her name, but say” trash, whore, slut” instead, like he would say “when I worked with Trash….” or “don’t think about Slut, she is not worth a second of your time”. I’m turning into an awful person because of this, but everytime I feel bad for him, I’d think he brought this to himself, what am I doing to him is not even close to the heardbroken moment when I found out their sext message on D day.
Renee said:
Don’t ever feel bad!!! What he has done, what all our husbands have done to us gives us the right or entitlement to act the way we do; cause if they didn’t do what they did , we wouldn’t be feeling or acting the way we do and that’s all on them.. for instance I check my husbands phone, half the time I don’t even know what I am looking for or questions his every move; yes it makes me furious, angry, and scared cause I am always looking and sometimes I hope to find something so I have an excuse to leave which is sad for me cause he already has given me more than enough reasons to leave and I haven’t cause I still love him and sometimes I hate myself for that.. And there are times I start shaking when I look at his phone cause I don’t want to find something… It’s been 10 months and some days are better than others and with D day coming up I have no idea what is in store for me or my emotions. So you have every right to express how you feel about the person who helped destroy you, your marriage, your family!! And if helps I refer to my husbands skank.. As helping home wrecker horror, wanna have my life white trash horror. They say Karma is a bitch; just waiting for her to get hers
Renee said:
How is any of us supposed to be excited for the upcoming holidays when there is so much additional emotional baggage to add to it?? I have so many thoughts and anxieties, is this going to be our last Christmas as a family, the last Christmas with my husband our house that is currently on the market cause we don’t know where Either of us are headed and if we do get an offer than we are forced to make some decision on if we move together or separately; and than put the added pressure of Christmas into it and it can’t be over soon enough; but have to put on a brave front for our kids… Just wondering how everyone is coping; Rant over for now 😦
Sadface said:
Renee, you are so right, we just have to put a brave front for our children. I really hate Christmas anyways, we have to go to my mother in law’s home, put on a fake smile, pretend everything is just fine, and blooding money to buy whole bunch of gifts for somebody you don’t really give a dime about.
My D day wasn’t as bad as I thought, it just went normally, but it scared the shit out of my husband though, he was walking on the egg shell the whole day. I didn’t get angry or sad, I just didn’t think about it. Renee, Get yourself busy that day, do something fun for yourself, go to a spa or get a massage. They are the assholes, why we have to suffer, fuck them.
Renee said:
Thanks for the good advice Sadface, it happened Valentines night when I got the courage to hack his email and find everything I already knew but it was just confirmed and of course he said he was working when he was obviously was with her so being on Valentine’s Day is going to be a hard one to escape but maybe will explore some of the idea you had mentioned.
Lisapmc said:
Thanks for sharing. I empathize.
rippedapart said:
This time of year is extremely hard with the stress of the holidays and all but to think that at this time last year he was fucking his whore (my so called “friend”) who was pregnant at the time with her boyfriends baby makes me want to puke. D Day was the day after our 26th anniversary. He was with her the day before and the day after. I have been dreading this all year (end of January is anniversary). I told him I planned on being on a beach somewhere for the day that would be our anniversary. I thought I wanted to be alone. Marriage counselor suggested I take him with me because he is doing absolutely everything that I have asked of him in order to reconcile. So….we are splurging and going on an all inclusive resort vacation for that week. Will I be moody and sad, probably. Do I sometimes wish he would lie to me even one time so I can end it, yes.
Betraying the person you “love” and “vowed” to be faithful to, has by far got to be the most devastating thing one person can do to another. It would have been easier if he had died. A different kind of pain for sure but not the same pain of being lied to, deceived, tricked, manipulated (by both parties) and knowing that he told her he loved her, he told her she was beautiful, he fucked her, she went down on him and so on. Excuse me while I vomit…….
Yes, he is doing everything I asked him to do and then some, will I ever trust him, probably not. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone except the whore that I thought was my friend.
Choosetoforgive said:
Ahhh, the trickle truth (aka deluge of B.S). I have just been through the same. D.day was 13th August 2015, and at first my husband tried to tell me it was a one-time indiscretion in March this year (with a woman I had confronted him about numerous times over the last 8 years he and I have been in a relationship). He worked interstate for 1-2 weeks out of each month and this woman was his colleague at his interstate location. I then found a (naked) photo of ‘said woman’ on his phone which was sent in December 2012. He then told me they had dinner on a few occasions in 2012 but nothing further than kissing occurred. Naturally I did not believe him and continued to look for further evidence. After a series of further revelations ( due to my investigation, and reading awful emails and texts that are forever burnt in my memory, NOT his admissions) he decided to tell me he had slept with this woman on 3 occasions and occasional kissing. I still did not believe him so continued to attempt to verify his story. I then found out he had numerous other occasions with her which involved oral sex, one of which on MY birthday this year!!
Things got to breaking point just last week when I discovered his old email archives showing he had been having a sexual and emotional affair with this woman for the ENTIRE length of our relationship. 8 years!! 4 difficult pregnancies!!! Coping on my own with newborns and toddlers for at least 10days each month!!! He truly had another life. I also found out that for a period of time, other woman lived in a town close by to us and husband would travel to be with her fairly regularly. One time was when I was pregnant with our third child ( we have 4 kids 6yrs and under) and I was suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme morning sickness). Husband packed me and the kids up and sent us to his mothers house for two months so we could be taken care of – and he went to stay with his other woman! Disgraceful.
I am choosing to stay for now as I do not want to make a hasty decision to leave. I would like for our kids not to be affected by my husbands selfish actions. It is a very difficult thing to stay – I know I cope quite well on my own as I am well practiced, it would be far easier to walk away FOR ME. But not for my kids. So I will delay my decision for now and try to be normal around my husband. It is exceptionally tough.
I have made my husband come clean to family about the extent of his affair. Close friends know he has had an affair but no details. I felt this was the right thing for us as such entitled behaviour is sure to continue unless it is exposed and he is accountable.
Lulu said:
I’m intrigued, how did the family and friends react when they were told?
Despite being recently divorced, I still wonder if I should expose him instead of letting him get away with saying our marriage failed because he changed his mind about having kids. This is his cover story to hide the truth.
It makes me mad to think he gets to pretend that he’s not as bad as he really is. My only comfort is that his mother knows the truth (I made sure he told her in my presence) and she’s probably the only person in this world who actually loves him now (because she has to, I guess). Thing is, she’s always been on my side and still loves me like a daughter.
Should I finally have some revenge and expose him or be the better person and just let it go?
shatteredwife said:
Lulu, how do you think your kids are going to react where they find out daddy left mummy because he had THEM? They will forever blame themselves for breaking up your marriage. If that’s the story out there, then they will one day hear it. How could you let him get away with that? That’s just awful. I know we all do what we think is best but that is not a good place for your children to be. I’m sorry but if it’s all over and you’re divorced, what’s it hurt to have the truth out there? He should wear the shame, not your children. SWxo
Lulu said:
Hi SW, thankfully I actually don’t have children with him. We were trying for a baby only months before D-Day but he didn’t seem really into it and then asked I go back on birth control. This was very heart breaking for me because by then we’d been together for almost 6 years and he had always maintained that we’d have a family one day. And the kicker? He was telling the whore that they could have a baby together too!! Can you imagine if we’d both actually fallen pregnant??
So it turns out that me not falling pregnant was a BLESSING in disguise. I tore into him about how he could be so disgusting as to potentially bring two innocent children into the world like that. The man is absolute scum.
But anyway, I’m sure the story he told people when we split up was that he changed his mind about having children. Not the fact that he is a lying, cheating arsehole. I just wonder if I should finally expose the truth now that we are divorced?
shatteredwife said:
Holy hell, the two of you pregnant at the same time?! That definitely would have been one for Jerry Springer! I say do whatever feels right. Does it feel right keeping quiet about the whole thing? Would it feel right exposing him for lying cheater he is? Only you know the answer to those questions. We all have an opinion on what WE would do, but we’re not in your shoes. You get to live with your decision, but not his two-timing. SWxo
Sadface said:
I don’t understand why you think if you don’t expose him that makes you are better person. He is the one that betrayed you, and since you two are divorced already, which means there won’t be any reconciliation, why shouldn’t you expose him? So he can still pretend he is a decent person to hurt more women out there? Why should you be the only one suffer. It’s not about revenge, it’s about do the right thing, and the right thing is to tell the truth about the real reason you two divorced..
Lulu said:
Thank you SW and sadface for your advice. I ended up messaging his best friend just to thank him and his wife for their friendship over the years and to wish them Merry Christmas. He responded to say they were saddened to hear about us but to know that I have friends in them should I ever need their help. Doesn’t sound like they know the truth but if he asks I’ll have no hesitation in telling him.
The tricky thing is whether to tell his family, particularly his younger sister whose husband also betrayed her. Not sure how she would deal with knowing her own brother is a scumbag like her ex. He thinks the family ties will override the truth but I have always wanted to test this theory out lol. I will continue to mull over it.
Thanks again for the advice and support. I wish all the betrayed spouses on here love and strength during what can be a difficult time x
shatteredwife said:
Wow, entitled is certainly the word. What a selfish asshole! I don’t know how you coped, especially with such a difficult pregnancy. I want to cry for you – I barely managed with 3! And for your ENTIRE relationship. Wow. You are a saint for believing in him and what he can offer in the future. I send you love and strength. SWxo
Diorne said:
I am so glad to find this site I found out my live in boyfriend of 6 years and father of my 4 year old child had been seeing a woman on the sneak for a year and a half.This woman actually had been told he was single.How I found out the woman came right into our house and walked right in without knocking and asked where he was.She’s lucky because this is Florida and being I didnot know who she was I couldve shot her.Stand your ground law.She was ranting and raving he was here sleeping worked the night shift apparently he was telling her he was divorced.This woman looked through his wallet after a year and half of sneaky behavior and put the pieces together.He told her to get the f!$k out.Its been a struggle to forgive him,but I ignored all the warning signs no sex drive , increased hours with no income to show for it.Having Viagra and getting refills without any sex,boy was I dumb.The worse part is she’s at least 15 years older than me and 80 lbs heavier.I’m not supermodel but what the hell.He never did explain in detail other than saying she cooked for him and they had things in common.Ladies men will cheat ,it’s a fact doesn’t matter what you look like what you do for them.They want something different.Men are programmed to be selfish pigs.I can see why being a lesbian would appeal to a woman.I still have nightmares 6 months later.
shatteredwife said:
6 months is very early days… I’m so sorry you were caught up in such a complicated mess. And it’s a double insult when the other woman is a fat ugly toad. I think you’re right – men are programmed to be selfish and get all of their desires met, while we just get on with shit… Stand your ground law sounds interesting! Have you seen or heard from the whore again? SWxo
not the same said:
I just found this blog and LOVE the authenticity. I feel your posts. I googled “ring no longer special after his affair” and I was so thankful for the read. It been over 2 years and I still don’t wear my rings…can’t even find them and I only miss them when I think about holding my newborn babies and little hands that are now elementary school age. The symbolic meaning is gone…I NEVER want to wear them again…glad they are missing (took the insurance rider out and bought some new stuff for me). Would like to say time heals…but the truth is time just closes the wounds…the scar is forever…FOREVER! I think I love him less every year. Every year that I improve and get stronger I feel less love…almost a pitty for him. I loved him so much for 18 years… Isn’t it strange that can change so quickly? We truly live like roommates now…I get the master bedroom, closet and bathroom….he gets the guest bedroom…I don’t want anything to do with him as a husband. We have 2 amazing kids and we are all friendly. I am truly happier this way. I just fear that I am not showing my kids how to be in a real relationship….I hope his 8 month fling was worth the consequences!
shatteredwife said:
Hey there, I really do wonder if they think the affair was worth it. I remember once asking my husband what he thought would happen when I discovered his affair and he looked at me blankly. “I didn’t think you ever would,” was his reply. It’s their own little fantasy world… Thank you also for your lovely comments. SWxo
Karen said:
Your pain seems so raw. But the anger you are holding inside is eating at you. I am not saying you are ready now; but for your amazing kids and your soul. You have to find forgiveness in your heart. You are the better person and this is not the life you dreamed of living. If you two can’t find your way back to each other, maybe forgiveness will help you show your children, people make mistakes. We can forgive but doesn’t mean you forget. My counsel asked me, ” how would I want the spouse of my son to treat him if he made the same mistake??””. Still searching for that answer. Trying to forgive is easier said than done. And I am not there yet. But I too have kids and don’t want to show them there is not forgiveness in the world.
shatteredwife said:
Thanks, Karen. I want to forgive but I’m not there yet. And to me, forgiveness means ‘everything’s fine now, you’re off the hook’. We’ve a long way to go… SWxo
Jan said:
Karen I agree, would be nice to not have the raw pain, but I still have it. It comes and goes, not there all the time, don’t think I could stand it being there all the time. I have a sneaky suspicion that it will never truly be gone in total, and will always linger in the background, waiting to squeeze my heart.
Sadface said:
Oh, my god, Shattered, my husband said exactly the same thing ” l didn’t think you would”, they betrayed our trust, and they think we are stupid.
shatteredwife said:
Maybe we’d be none the wiser had we not stumbled upon messages coming through on their phone. Maybe we’d eventually find out don’t other way. But there was NO WAY they could hide it forever. We were all bound to find out eventually, one way or another. SWxo
Lostafter17years said:
I am only 2 days out from finding out. 17 years clean and clear until all of a sudden the bomb drops. My husbands 7 month external relationship was both sexual and emotional – he “thinks he loved her” (insert vomit). I found out Christmas night and when I called him out he completely confessed to all of it. They both have made promises that it is over and both have deleted all of their social media accounts. My husband says he only wants our family together. I just was wondering how long it takes to be able to breath again. I have to be able to breath to even begin thinking about anything else. My kids having both parents is extremely important to me so while I feel stupid, hurt, anger, hate, and that he is getting away with it I can’t bring myself to make him leave. He gets to hurt me and our relationship but he doesnt have any consequences. It so isn’t fair. How do I even begin to let go of the hate? I am so lost.
shatteredwife said:
Hello Lost, I’m so sorry you have joined this awful club of betrayed spouses. You’re only two days out from Discovery Day (D-Day) so everything is very raw for you right now. You probably aren’t sleeping or eating. Your brain is going a hundred miles an hour, firing nonstop questions. It may have been two years ago for me, but I remember D-Day like yesterday. And yes, it’s like having a bomb dropped into your life. Everything you knew to be true has been annihilated. You don’t know what is real even more. Take it one hour at a time. Soon, you’ll no longer spend every day crying. Talk or write out your pain. Don’t worry about food for now but take in water regularly to replace the water you lose in tears, otherwise you’ll dehydrate to the point of being completely non-functioning. Please come here as often as you feel comfortable. You are always welcome and safe here. SWxo
ndwannabe1 said:
“He gets to hurt me and our relationship but he doesnt have any consequences” – that. Same here. I am so sorry, sister, I wish I had a magic way to stop the suffering for all of us.
Jan said:
Hi Lost, speaking for myself (I found out in early February, my husband was having affair with woman half his age, he said he wanted us to stay together but he admitted he was infatuated with her….blah blah blah), looking back now, I was in complete shock and not able to think straight. So I did nothing, made no decisions. I did go to counseling regularly for several months, with him. Just a word to the wise, it does take them a while to “get over” the feelings. My husband too deleted all accounts, changed phone number. But, a month and half later I discovered he was still talking to her, he had set up a special skype number or something. The counselor said the feelings don’t stop at the drop of a hat. I have decided to keep marriage because it makes no sense to do otherwise at my age, but, there will always be the hurt, the doubt, the questions. Too bad, nothing I can do to make it all go away. Good luck. If you are not in counseling, I highly recommend it…
LostAfter17years said:
Thank you all so much for your support. Taking one hour at a time -that is the only thing. Still no food I can’t get it past the lump in my throat. I am definitely taking in a lot of water and getting some nutrients through one protein drink a day. I can’t fully break down on the kids. If one more person asks me if I had a good Christmas I might spontaneously combust.
~lost
Kristen said:
Dear Lost, I would never make lite of what your feeling, your emotions, your actions, your thoughts or reactions and the way you are dealing with everything cause we have all been here and need to do what it takes for ourselves to get us through the day. It sucks, it hurts like hell, and its a pain like no other.
I found out Valentines day weekend about my husbands affair when he had to work for the 3rd night away from home and had the courage to break into his email and just confirmed everything that I thought I knew but it was much worse than I thought cause of the length of time of the affair and it was both mental and physical
With that being said; It might not seem it now cause your whole world has come crashing down, like you are drowning and or spinning out of control with your feelings and emotions but it will eventually get better, you will get back up again and find the strength and courage from with in to get you through these darkest days.
Being almost a year in, we are still dealing with a lot of there are still times I do think it would be easier to leave but I still love him and yes I still do think about the affair, and all the what ifs, hows, and or whys.. but it doesn’t consume me as much but if I am having a bad day and something he does or says can trigger me right back those initial days, which I still wonder if that will ever go away.
I feel for you so much and please know that I am here for you!!
Kristen
Karen said:
Dear Lost;
First and foremost I am so sorry. You did not deserve this. My D-day was 10/11/2015.
I promise it gets better. I promise. Like the others here have said take it one hour at a time. I lived on crackers, waters, chicken broth and coffee for the first week. And then I thought why am I punishing myself. Start doing things for you that you wouldn’t before. Get a mani/pedi, take a bubble bath. Anything that makes you feel like the special women we all here think you are. This club sucks, but we are here for you 24/7.
I promise it gets better. You will find out you are stronger than anyone ever gave you credit for.
This will NOT define you!
Hugs from California
Jan said:
You know, the more I think about it, I realize that the women who kick the asshole to the curb and move on are the brave ones. I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. Looking back, I think he deserved to be kicked to the curb. It’s not like he magically became a new improved man….he’s still the same person with same lack of moral values. Sure, he’s not doing it anymore….but he is still “that person.”
Jen said:
Hey Jan…. I have been wondering the same thing, it has nearly been two years for me and right now I am thinking I made a huge mistake by not walking away when I found out. We have three kids together…. That is what confuses me, if I had no kids I would have kicked him out that night. But what is best for three kids… A mum and dad together where mum is miserable but putting on a good front …. Or divorced parents living week on and week off, I would miss my kids too much and I know he would fight me for custody. So two years on … Do you leave ‘that person’ or keep on trying for the kids.
SadAndBroken said:
Hi Jen – I agree with you in that it’s hard to weigh what’s best and as moms we always put our needs and ourselves last. It sucks that we did nothing wrong but we’re paying so heavily from the stupid actions of our husbands. I have brief moments of self-loathing. I should have been stronger, I should have made him regret his actions, I should have taken care of myself first this time. I don’t know if he thinks he got off easy by me giving him another chance or not. Will that determine whether or not he does it again? I don’t get how we get shit all over like this and we pay the price. I would like to think that if this ever happens to me again I would have learned my lesson and there will be no more chances but we can’t predict that. Love all you ladies – you are what got me going every day when I wanted to crawl up into a ball and die and I thank you for that (and my kids probably do too).
Jan said:
The decision-making process has to be so much more difficult for the mothers of young children. I do believe it is best to make every effort to keep a good home for the children. Mine are grown…I was 62 when I found out that my 75 year old husband was having an affair with a 37 year old woman. Plus, he is not the father of my grown children. Still, for you ladies struggling with the issue due to the children, I must encourage you, if you stay for the children, it’s important to commit whole-heartedly to the marriage. Otherwise, you might find yourself on the curb at age, say 50, when the kids are gone. It is very hard to start over at that age….my previous husband left me for another woman at age 45….wow, now that was a huge blow, one I almost did not recover from.
Tee said:
I left with two children. The older one did not fare so well. But, the tables turned over time. As my younger son got older and realized how much work it was to be mom, dad and everything else, he also realized that his father had taken the easy way out. And to this day, he not only resents his father, but their relationship is pretty awful, to say the least. It angered him that his father left the family for another woman, who he eventually left for another woman by the way. They lasted seven years. And from what my son tells me, it was an awful relationship – they were always fighting. Some women chose to stay, and I cannot argue that decision, or disagree with it. Good for them for making the decision to stay. For me, my ex was a long-time cheater with a pattern of cheating on pretty much every woman. He married me because it was thought that marriage would “settle him down”. It didn’t. Every situation is different so every decision will be different. No one size fits all answer honestly. Hang in there ladies and Happy New Year!
Tee said:
Thank you ladies, again. Most every website I’ve been on, from Weddingbee, to TruthaboutDeception.com, from Yahoo answers, etc – they all pretty much say the same thing. Don’t say a word…for several reasons. One, unless you are a very close friend or family member, you will be perceived as the “rejected” other woman trying to make trouble for the new woman who “deserves to be happy”. Two, even if you are a close friend or family member, you will be hated and the person will be upset with you for saying anything. And three, most women chose to stay, even after they find out.
So crummy as it is, I really wish I could say something but figure I can’t. Their marriage I’m guessing was pretty high profile (golf course wedding, meet and greet the day before). So right now she is in bubble land…perfect husband who sang his vows to her on their wedding day, house warming party after they bought their house, perfect engagement website pics (that was how I found out he was even engaged – I didn’t know. Had not heard from him in months – he emailed and said he wanted to meet up for coffee – I call his house and find the number is disconnected, so did a web search for his new phone number and saw their engagement website).
That is what bugs me so much. Knowing what he is like (like I said, proud of the fact that she did not know – proud, still can’t get that out of my head). Most women chose to stay because of the dream…no one wants their dreams shattered. I would imagine the same with this woman. I’m sure he “chose” me to be his mistress because he figured I lived out of state and no one would find out (he lives in Vegas, I live in OC). Really sucks that I can’t just call her up and say “you really should listen to me”, but I’m sure she would scream and/or hang up the phone on me, or her friends would call me and accuse me of being mean and trying to ruin her happiness, since he picked her and not me. Weird how that works. It’s killing me to not be able to say anything, but it seems that I really can’t.
Tee said:
In regards to kids, I have a friend who left her husband. No cheating involved…marriage fell apart. My boy and I visited with her girls over the weekend, and they are amazingly well adjusted. However, there was no acrimony from the mom, and she keeps things as cordial as she can. Dad is invited to birthday parties, etc. The girls spend weekends with him and his new girlfriend, and both are doing well. I know of women who stayed with their cheating man, and believe me, it ultimately took a toll on their self esteem and confidence. One lady admitted she was too old to go out and find a job, and preferred being a housewife, cheating hubby and all. I also know of women who left and are okay. Quite well actually (they have a network to help them – family and such). I also know of others who left and are a mess. Years later. I think honestly it depends on if you let the anger consume you. Whether you stay or go, there are repercussions to either decision. Just depends on what you want to live with.
shatteredwife said:
Ultimately took a toll on their self-esteem and confidence? I think these take a beating early on, but staying long term doesn’t mean you are a doormat. There are plenty of women who wade through the shit for a couple of years and come out determined to make the best of their situation. Every woman needs to decide which road to take. I, for one, feel far more confident now that I could make it on my own if I chose to. I also feel more confident that I now understand the new rules of engagement and I notice the way men look at me. I feel powerful. To the betrayed spouses reading the above comment, please do not for one second assume you will wake up one day completely broken and inept. The only reason I encourage comments on my blog is to empower you, to make you feel the crazy emotions you are experiencing are normal, to bond with others in the same infidelity boat, to give you strength, and most importantly, to encourage you to follow your own decision whether to go or stay without judgement. This is a safe place. Your life is not doomed if you stay. Your life is doomed if you can’t move past it and allow the resentment and anger to slowly build into a volcano within yourself. Be strong. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. SWxo
Tee said:
I found this website by accident. I read through everything. I said no thank you to the “offer” (wow, what an offer). But once I said no it became a nightmare in ways I can’t describe. Emotionally. Funny how your emotions can distort your thinking and make you crazy. Just the thought…who would do this going into a marriage,and why? If this is how you are feeling, then please do not get married. It is so unfair to the other person, to try to cheat before you even say your vows. I tend to be a very logical person and it was hard for me to stay the course of sensibility. I was simply asked to be the OW, a suggestion I was more than happy to decline.
Then the other nightmare began….I could see this woman finding out at some point what he did (all his former girlfriends did, plus a former fiance – commitment seems to be a suggestion, not an action verb). Knowing I can prevent that nightmare now – say something now. But everything says you can’t really…because the person will never believe you, or they might think you are doing it to ruin their life because you were “not chosen”. That has been pretty much eating me up alive. Like knowing someone is going on a dream vacation they have been planning all their lives, but the plane is going to crash. You ladies are really brave. Happy New Year to all.
Cathy said:
Hi Ladies, thank you for sharing your deepest emotions. I found out on the 10th of October, 2015. My fuckface of a husband of 23 years was having a longterm affair with his co-worker 20 years younger, also married with a little 3 year old kid. I always knew something was going on, like women just do. We even had company xmas parties together and she sat there with her pouty mouth all smurky & innocent. I just never could get concrete evidence until the 10th. Whatsapp message telling him she loves him. We’ll all hell then broke loose. For two months he couldn’t make up his mind whether he wanted to carry on with our marriage. She decided to make her marriage work.
I also experience these voilent outbursts where I want to break my glass in his face or hit him through his face with my driver. His favourite saying now is “I’m here now, aren’t I”. Does he now think he qualifies for forgiveness by being present. He makes me feel like Option 2. I hate him with every drop of blood in my body.
On the 14th of December I noticed the two of them being online at exactly the same time for half an hour. My daughter doesn’t call me Nancy Drew for nothing. So I emailed her husband & copied the two love birds in, requesting the slut to start respecting me & my marriage for once in her life & stop contacting him.
But the trust will never be there again. I’m forever checking his phone, emails when he is not nearby. I don’t think I will ever get over this.
But reading everyones stories & comments made me realise that it’s normal to react the way I do. I started to feel that I’m losing it & overreacting. Thank you for letting me share my hurt & pain.
shatteredwife said:
Hi Cathy, I’m so sorry you find yourself here amongst us. Let me begin by applauding you on contacting her husband and letting him know what a complete whore he is married to! Trust me, in the early days after D-Day, your emotions are all over the place. You’ll feel like you’re sitting on a rollercoaster going on the worst ride of your life. You are not losing it. Your reactions are 100% normal. May I ask how old your husband is, and how long the affair was going on for? Was it a physical affair? I wonder how the whore’s husband reacted when he read your email. Do they still with together? I find “I’m here now, aren’t I?” and all variations of it to be a complete slap in the face. So fucking what? Like you said, does that qualify him for forgiveness?! Get into couples therapy pronto and don’t let him give you any “we don’t need that, we’ll be fine” nonsense. Sending you love and strength, you are welcome here any time. SWxi
Cathy said:
Hi there, My husband is 52 & I’m 50. He will not tell me how long it has been. She has been working for him for just over 5 years. I could sense from the first Xmas party that there was something. He says it hadn’t developed into a sexual relationship yet but when does a woman tell a man she loves him??? I contacted her husband 1st time 4 days after it happened. The bitch sent me a text wanting to explain to me 2 days after D-day. I told her I had nothing to say to her. She then texted me telling me it was an inappropriate message to my husband & their relationship is purely professional. And that is her explanation & I must do with it what I want to. And that pissed me off. So I did. She also lied to her husband about the message, so I decided to do what I wanted with it, I phoned her husband & forwarded the messages to him. See when I found her message on my husband’s phone, I immediately forwarded it to mine. I even phoned his business partner.
When he returned home two days after D-day, I told him that I know I am also to blame for the neglect of our marriage. And we can fix it if we really are committed. But in the two months after that he couldn’t once say Yes I want to be with you & the kids. And I think that is what made me so angry. My kids are 17 & 20. What he put them through is unforgivable. My daughter said she’ll tell him one day “Thank you, now I know what type of man not to go for”.
shatteredwife said:
He won’t tell you how long the affair had been going on? Why not? Who is he protecting? You can always give the home-wrecking whore a special page on shesahomewrecker.com, bet she’d love that 🙂 She sounds like serious trouble to me. How did her husband react when you spoke to him? SWxo
Jan said:
Cathy I discovered my husband’s affair about 11 months ago. The anger has subsided a good bit. However, I have moments of rage….they usually last no more than 15 minutes. I have cold-cocked him in the face with my fist several times….that’s how angry I get. Now I have sadness more often than rages. I cry. I tell him that the pain is the most cruel pain there is. It’s the pain of rejection. He doesn’t understand that, because he gave her up and chose to stay with me. I try to explain that every time he was with her, he was rejecting me. He wanted her, not me. He tells me often how sorry he is that he hurt me. He says it was all about his ego. A woman half his age wanted him. I think men are different from us. I think they can easily not think about their loved ones while they are off feeding their ego. It has nothing to do with us sometimes. It’s all about them.
Cathy said:
Hi Jan
You are so right, it’s all about me, myself & I. Don’t know if you are all experiencing the same thing. Having friends over is non-existing at the moment. It makes for a very lonely trip. I also feel guilty talking to my friends about the affair all the time. It feels like everybody is moving on & living their lives & I’m stuck in this dark place.
Love from South Africa
Cathy
SadAndBroken said:
Cathy brings up a good point about telling friends about the affair. I’ve often wondered how all of you handled this. I told 2 of my best friends about my husband’s affair because I had to talk to someone. Now, 5 months later, I regret it. Both of my friends were almost angry at me for deciding to stay and work things out and now I feel uncomfortable even inviting them over to my house because of the perception they have of my husband. Our friendship has changed and not in a good way. One of them told me flat out a couple of weeks ago that she can’t handle hearing about my drama anymore. She’s sick and tired of listening to my problems and she’s so drained that she’s getting physically ill. According to her, it’s not “all about me.” How do you respond to something like that from someone you’ve been best friends with since kindergarten?? We’re talking 45 years of friendship – we’re more like sisters. I was shocked and extremely hurt – first I had to hear my husband tell me to “let it go” and now my best friend too. I felt betrayed all over again. I took a step back and I’m giving her some space right now. The truth is, I don’t ever want to tell her anything personal again. But now I’m lonely as hell – there is literally no one for me to talk to except our therapist but even then, my husband is there with me and I don’t feel like I can share my feelings completely (like you do with a girlfriend). How is everyone here handling the loneliness of having to keep all these feelings and emotions bottled up inside? Some of these feelings don’t even make sense to me (I also struggle with OCD – my compulsive thoughts turn into a whole lot of anxiety) but when I talk about them and someone else is there to walk me through the rationalization I feel so much better.
shatteredwife said:
We all struggle with who to tell. I told no-one for a very long time. Telling friends fraught with danger, as you’ve discovered. Couples counselling is one thing, but you also need to be undertaking individual therapy at the same time – but with a different therapist. Is this an option for you? I know that therapy tends to get incredibly expensive. It will help you, if you are able to go. Maybe go for 6 sessions and see if it helps. I’m sorry your friends have abandoned you when you needed to depend on them most. Give your friends some space then call them in a month for an afternoon tea at a fancy hotel. Promise there will be “no affair talk”. Go out and have fun with them – they want to see the old happy you! You will be hurting on the inside, knowing they don’t want to hear about your problems. But you need to reconnect with them. They are not able to process your pain. You need to do that with your own therapist. Remember, most people have no idea how to react to an affair. Unless they have walked those shoes, they are clueless. In the meantime, you can always talk to us! : ) SWxo
Miss Bee said:
I told a few friends and I spaced out when I told them. I didn’t plan to stagger it but it just happened that way. In hind sight I wished I hadn’t told them because they have more or less forgotten about me and my situation, as they have their own problems and lives to deal with. So when I would get into a depression or dark place I didn’t feel like I could reach out to them. Another couple of friends that I told were horrified that I chose to stay. They do check on me from time to time, which I greatly appreciate but one day I had to finally tell them that unless they had been through what I’m going through, they can’t expect me to leave the marriage. I have my own reasons for staying, the main one being that I want my children to have both parents together at home until they leave for college. I did tell my sister in law as well and that is the only person I’m glad I told. She has been so loving and caring and concerned. She’s never questioned my decisions but she will call me every so often to make sure I’m ok. And in my situation, that’s exactly what I need.
SadAndBroken said:
This place is exactly where I come when I need to “talk.” I definitely know that I need a therapist for myself – I have to find a way to get rid of the anger and resentment outside of couples therapy but I just can’t afford it. I have a high deductible insurance plan so I would be paying for it completely out of pocket. I’m going to be struggling with paying for couple’s therapy as it is but as long as my husband is willing to go, I’m going to find a way to pay for it. He shares things there that he doesn’t at home – I need that right now. I’m not at the point of reaching out to my friends just yet even though I need them like crazy right now. I would like to be able to just go and hang out with my friends and be “normal.” I know that’s just a pipe dream right now – on the outside I might look like I’m doing just fine but on the inside I’m crying uncontrollably. I would like to have just one day where thoughts of this affair don’t come into my head. I can’t even imagine that. It’s been 5 months since D-Day and although I feel better and more like myself as time goes on, I’m still affected by triggers and memories. Our therapist told me that I should write down 5 positive things on an index card (they should be things that I notice in my husband that point to the fact that he’s NOT having an affair anymore). Every time I get triggered or an obsessive thought comes into my head I should pull that card out and read it. I haven’t tried it yet but I think it was a good suggestion. We tend to dwell on all the negatives which is completely natural.
Edith said:
I told everyone – family, friends, strangers on street, friends of friends, women I attended a silent retreat with – we were allowed to talk off campus… it was either that or die – I was so suicidal this is what saved my life. I literally took walks for hours crying and anyone who saw me stumbling along heard about it. Tough shit on his privacy – he told the most vulnerable things about our marriage, about me to his shit heal affair partner (did I mention we have a teen son on the autism spectrum and a young adult daughter w/cancer – YESSSSS – while this was going on – his affair – before, during and after her diagnosis) so neither one of them gets privacy. I had no control over who I told I was such a wreck. Seven months later, I still am, processing and trying to figure out next steps. I don’t know how he gets up in morning and looks at himself in the mirror. Some days the only thing that gets me thru is be grateful I’m not him and don’t have to live the rest of my life w/guilt over how he destroyed our marriage and family as we knew it. Because whether or not we stay together, that old marriage and family is gone forever. His children don’t look at him the same way and neither do I but he’s so self-absorbed – he probably doesn’t even realize it half the time. And AP (Affair Partner and your actual initials or AMP) of Dallas, Denton, TX if you are reading this – you are the lowest piece of shit pond scum or sad shit sack – there is. You used my marriage like a pawn in your sick game to get some self esteem. How did that work out for you??? You deserve ever rotten thing you get in life including a life with other cheaters like yourself. You will have to look over your shoulder for the rest of you life wondering when I will pay a “friendly visit to you” and make your life a living hell of regret, paranoia and fear. Just saying…. And Peace to all the wives living through this similar nightmare. MER
Jan said:
Oh I know about those “triggers” oh so well. They are horrid, nasty reminders that sneak out of nowhere to ruin my day!
Examples:
Husband says, “I’ve been spending too much money (he’s retired on a fixed income), I need to cut back on us going out to eat.”
Then I say, in a sudden rage, “Oh, but you could afford gas to drive 150 miles to Florida, and you could afford a hotel room, and you could afford to take HER out to eat!”
Or he says, “I’m getting too old to be doing all this going on the weekend, I’m tired.”
Then I say, in a flash of hot anger, “Oh, but you had lots of energy to hop in your car and drive 150 miles to Florida and stay gone for 5 days (telling me he was at an equipment show)!!!
SadAndBroken said:
Jan – sometimes I think our husbands don’t remember it was THEM who had the affairs! Or they’ve conveniently blocked it out of their minds. My husband was telling me about a single male co-worker of his who is juggling two girlfriends. He lied to one and told her he would be with my husband so he could be with the other one. I said to my husband “why are men so stupid??” and he said “I know – doesn’t he realize that lies have a very short lifespan?” REALLY???? I DIDN’T KNOW!! Sometimes I just want to ask him “who are you??”
Talitha williams said:
I don’t blame you one bit. It’s been 3 months since I was blindsided without a warning and I stayed because I love him. There are days that are good then there are days I want to rip his fucking heart out and take a saw to it. I can’t control my anger anymore I can’t talk to anyone and if I say shit to him all I hear is I told you everything can’t we get passed this. No I fucking can’t I seen all the emails all the pictures and I can’t get them out of my damn head. I guess I was living under a rock somewhere cause the Ashley Madison thing never caught my attention. I thought we were good until he went out of town and started treating me like shit. So I went to every email domain and put in forgot username and password then behold motherland on yahoo and aff.and every damn picture and email there. From all emails conversation no sex but it’s the point that I was begging him to talk to me him treating me like a 2 bit whore and treating these fake women like gold. Many night I cried cause I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. Can you please help me find some way to move past this I don’t want to leave but Im so miserable and it’s got me to a point where I’m thinking crazy shit.
ndwannabe1 said:
Oh Talitha… Hugs and understanding from another one who chose to stay, and are miserable for it. I too can not rip my love for him out of my heart, but God knows I want to so much. 29 years of marriage, son who is about to get married, teenage daughter – they do not know. Although my friend that I spoke to just recently says – tell them. I can not even do that, it will break their heart.
I feel like I have gone crazy as well, have nobody to talk to and blabbering right now, responding to your post.
Often I think I wish I was not to chicken to kill myself, but then come the kids.
I wish we all could just meet…
Let me know if you find the way out.
RJ said:
I’m reading these comments, and I find it hard to breathe. Reading all the things you ladies are going through/have gone through, makes me relive the day I found out my husband had an affair.
I found out just over a year ago that he had a brief affair with a woman he met on Ashley Madison. (This was before the big hack, and yeah, he got lucky to actually meet a real woman.) I was suspicious of his behavior and I was able to get into his phone and found the ‘infamous’ chat app. I read everything. I know what she looks like. It’s hard….so fucking hard to unsee and unread these things. I confronted, he confessed everything and we are trying to work through it. He has put in some effort. But we seem to talk about it less and less, and he just wants to move on, while I’m still left trying to heal my broken soul. Anger and resentment are starting to settle in and hope of ever truly forgiving him is fading.
We have two young children (4 & 1) and married almost 10 years. It’s a daily struggle. Some days are fine and I think we can make it, but the dark days are just that….dark. Lonely. I honestly don’t know if I want to stay married. I love him, but things will never be the same. It’s like HE gets to have the affair, HE gets to say HE is sorry for hurting me and move on, but it is ME who has to deal with the aftermath of this whole shit storm. Every. Single. Day.
Hugs to you ladies!
valerie said:
RJ. It just sucks that you are here with us. It’s been like six or seven years for me and I still struggle! There are still times when I hate my husband. Although I don’t believe he would ever cheat again, I don’t trust him with my heart. I’m not sure that’s fair to myself because sharing your heart with someone is amazing. My feelings for him changed that day and I’m sure most everyone here was changed by the act of another. You’re right, it’s not fair. I focus on myself more now than ever. My children are older and I’m not sure I did right by them to stay. You are not alone! I wish I had found this site long ago. Hugs to you!
RJ said:
6+ years and it still hurts?! Oh my, I’m sorry to hear that. 😦 Yes, there are days I feel I can’t ever forgive.
I agree… I don’t think he will cheat again, but the day I found out, my heart built a wall that may never come down.
Jan said:
Just over a year for me also, found out in February last year. Whore he met on SKOUT. Pure evil slut. Oh I’ve seen her photos, including naked. And I’ve talked to her on phone twice. You wouldn’t believe the things she said to me. I can’t believe there are women out there like her, women who lure married men for sport and try to break up their marriage. Yes, and I hate him too. I’m like a windshield wiper. Love, hate, love, hate, love, hate. And I feel I will never, ever heal. I’m 62, he’s 75. We really have to stay together now. But I encourage all of you younger women to divorce the sorry ass. There are men out there, good men, who are not hounds, who don’t search for women on internet sites. If I had it to do over, I would only marry a man I met in church.
Sosadj said:
Your blog entry resonates so much with my feelings now, after so much time has passed, and it stirred up memories of finding porn sites in our history some years back and having him temporarily shift blame to our teenaged son before taking ownership. He’s such a skank.
Sue said:
Dear SW I’m so sorry your having to stay and be reminded of the hurt everyday I also stay due to the finacial situation. I think being cheated on is the hardest thing to experience and once you do it never leaves. I’m in your corner. The children didn’t ask for a father that cheats nor did you ask for it. I also know the feeling of betrayal when you give them a chance or a free pass to come all the way lean and yet they lie and then sayi didn’t want to hurt you more then I already have??? Really??
Is that what they think when they are with some whore?
Hang in there SW and know your not alone .
Take care
Aallyna said:
SW.
Sent you a email x
shatteredwife said:
Thanks for letting me know as I don’t always check. Will come back to you soon. SWxo
sydka said:
I feel ya 😦 I’m going through the same. My husband of 9 years had a year long affair. Told me on boxing day that he needed space cause he wasn’t sure about us. I thought he was having a mid life and told him it was ok to have those feelings and that I would respect his wishes. Here it was because he had been having an affair and then decided he wanted a relationship with the homewrecker!!! I’ve been through a lot in my life and I have to say this was the worst. Im not sure why I’m still with him most days. I hate him. How can I forgive him. The lying came so easily is the worst. I know what you are going through and it is no easy feat. I only hope that this gets a bit easier to carry or that we have the strength to leave. He said it was only sex but he’s also admitted to maybe loving her. Insult to injury he also asked if I wanted a sister wife because he wanted to keep both of us. I’m an idiot plain and simple for still being here but here I am anyways.
Lulu said:
A sister wife??? OMG, please tell us that the homewrecker has been kicked to the kerb! He cannot have his cake and eat it, too! I divorced my husband but even to this day it makes me so mad when I hear about how selfish they can be! Perhaps you can suggest a brother husband and find someone else you really like to join your ranks? See how he likes that… *shakes head*
sydka said:
Lol brother husband!! I love it 🙂 he said he was done with her although I find it hard to trust him with anything he says. He wants to work things out but I did tell him I guess I get a year of free hall passes to make it more fair lol. I’m not saying I would but I’m at fucking royally pissed stage and told him what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I told him we will re evaluate after my year is up. He did not like that but oh fucking well. Do I think I’m doing the right thing? Probably not lol but it made me feel like I was getting some of my power back. Let him worry, he should.
Lulu said:
What’s that? He doesn’t like the sound of a taste of his own medicine? Surprise, surprise.
Unless you’re hell bent on ending your marriage, I would suggest you don’t enjoy your hall pass even despite temptation for your sake. I think it’ll most likely make you feel worse but if that keeps him on his toes then hopefully he’ll think twice before he ever even considers doing it again.
Perhaps just innocently spend more nights out with your girlfriends and come home late, stay back at work (and actually DO WORK), obsessively hoard your phone… See how he bloody likes it, the Selfish Arsehole (I’m pissed off with you ;))
ndwannabe1 said:
I hear you. My husband of 30 year also suggested that maybe we should practice polygamy, after he has been cheating on me for 2 years 😦
sydka said:
😦 God why do men have to say shit that just makes it worse. 30 years is a long time.
Jan said:
Ladies, my husband told me that we ladies should hear how all men talk when they are together. He says that they all “get tired of the same old same old and want something different.”
Just that simple. He says it doesn’t mean they don’t love their wife and want to stay married. They just want variety.
Lulu said:
Did it ever occur to them that we might feel the same? I loved my ex but it didn’t mean I didn’t occasionally lust over the cute younger (than my ex) guy with the extremely hot body and killer smile. Only difference is that I didn’t act upon those urges. I appreciated my marriage (for what I thought it was) and I treasured my values more than ‘variety’.
ndwannabe1 said:
Well, my husband did not want variety from his mistress for THREE years. He did not have sex with anyone else, including ME.]
Ashlee said:
I am 1 year and two weeks past D-day and I have never read a more realistic representation of what this feels like. I feel like everything you have written is verbatim what is going on in my head. Thank you so much for this. I have a husband who is a lot like yours except I am not as eloquent as you when it comes to describing how I’m feeling. It usually comes out as “get the fuck out of my face” or “call your whore she seemed to care so much before!” I’ve sent him many of these, maybe I’ll start to feel like he understands the shitstorm that is my new normal.
Thank you again and good luck
shatteredwife said:
Hello Ashlee, I’m sorry you’ve joined this hellhole club of betrayed spouses. I was so utterly lost when I discovered my husband’s affair and felt writing was my only outlet. It helped me work through the pain, my rollercoaster feelings, my depression. It seems to have also struck a chord with many others, and comments like yours made me know what I was doing was helping others. Thank you so much for writing me a note. You are welcome here to vent any time. Sending you love and hugs. SWxo
Hurt said:
So sorry for all you have and continue to go through. I am 10 years in. 13 if you count the three years it took to pull the truth out of him. I wish I could say anything possitive or hopeful but I can not. My husband is also in a band, had a parent who cheated. I feel we could have gotten passed the affair if he owned it more and also if he did not continue to lie for many years. He is also selfish and could not give me what I needed to heal. Guess what? I still have not left but have lost more of myself than I care to tell you.
Broken said:
Hurt….after reading your response I feel like we’re kindred spirits. I certainly haven’t gone 10 years like you but the 2 years I have put in feel like 100. My husband has also not been completely forthcoming or understanding of what he’s put me through. I’m still discovering lies that take me through the entire cycle of anger, disbelief and sadness all over again. He finally, after two years, admitted that “it had to have hurt”…..seriously???? If these guys only knew how much faster our healing would go if they would just own it and either shit or get off the pot. I’ve lost pieces of my soul over this and I’ll never be the same person again thanks to my husband’s selfishness and disregard for anyone except himself. I wish you peace and tranquility….I would give anything right now to be able to be at peace with myself but I don’t even know what that feels like anymore.
Hurt said:
I understand completely. Just today the female attention whore singer from his band sent him email and it just infuriates me. He jas told her as well of our issues which really angered me. It seems tge triggers never end. My children are 25, 14 and 10. I have felt similar to you in terms of keeping my family together. Truly it gets more and more difficult. I have not felt alive in so long I do not even remember what it felt like.
Hurt said:
Sorry for typos. Resting with a migraine
ndwannabe1 said:
I am so sorry Hurt 😦 It took me a while to find out as well. We have been married for almost 30 years. He admitted that she was a second woman (after me) that he actually said “I love you” to. I think that hurt the most. I as well have not left. I chose to stay because of my children – one grown up and one teenager. I know this is the life I chose for myself after I found out. Also – lying to my children sucks. However, in this situation that we have been put in, everybody chooses what they think would hurt them less. Big hugs to you and sorry for my “jagged” reply.