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affair, betrayal, betrayed spouse, cheater, esther perel, fuck it all, healing, hope, husband, infidelity, liar, lying sack of shit, marriage, other woman, sex, survey, trauma, wayward spouse, whore, wife, yougov
Last week, research body YouGov released the results of a survey asking 1660 British adults a bunch of questions relating to affairs. Of the 1660 questioned, 314 said they had engaged in an affair.
The press release only skims the surface, so if you’d like to see the ACTUAL poll results, scroll to the bottom of the page for the link to the PDF file.
Keeping in mind this sample is quite small, there were nonetheless some fascinating insights.
Much has been made of the result showing most men have affairs with work colleagues (44%), while women are more likely to have affairs with a friend (53%).
Digging deeper, I found far more remarkable stats.
This one really surprised me:
Have you ever taken a partner back after an affair?
Yes, I have 14%
No, I have not 75%
(Other 11%)
Fellow betrayed spouses reading this, we are in the minority. Three quarters of betrayed spouses said NO WAY, FUCK OFF. That is a surprisingly high figure.
Q. Why did you have an affair?
There were three stand-out answers here:
I felt flattered by the attention (men 35%, women 44%)
I felt emotionally deprived in my relationship (men 29%, women 43%)
I was dissatisfied with my sex life (men 32%, women 15%)
Wow, what a huge disparity in the sex life numbers! If you ever wanted more proof men want more sex than you think, there it is.
Q. Was the person you were having an affair with also cheating on someone else?
Yes, they were 55%
No, they were not 39%
Proof everyone is cheating on everyone else! OK, maybe not. But sometimes, it sure seems that way.
Q. Which, if any, of the following do you consider as cheating? Please tick all that apply.
Having sex with someone who isn’t my partner 92%
Oral sex 84%
Using a prostitute 82%
Romantically kissing someone else 75%
Having webcam sex with a stranger 73%
Sexting someone else 67%
Forming an emotional relationship with someone who isn’t my partner 44%
Other 4%
This question was asked of everyone, whether they’d actually had an affair or not. What disturbs me is the level of ignorance concerning emotional affairs. Let’s admit it, many of us didn’t know we’d be so affected by an emotional affair, mere WORDS on a screen.
MOST of us thought our partners having actual sex with someone else would devastate us the most, but here’s the truth of it. Hurt is hurt. Let that sink in for a bit. Hurt is hurt. The way you were hurt is different to the way someone else was hurt, but the affects are the same: devastation, sadness, mourning, realising your relationship was a sham, anger. Someone else’s hurt is not your hurt. Your hurt is your own hurt, your pain is your own pain. They way you feel it is REAL.
A few other curious findings:
- One affair was not enough. Almost 50% of respondents had engaged in two or more affairs. Sobering thought.
- Most affairs ended because the cheater decided to end it (men 38%, women 49%).
- 41% of cheaters said they had children with the partner they were cheating on.
- 67% of men said an affair improved the relationship with their partner because “it made me appreciate what I had” (yeah, right). Only 44% of women gave this answer.
- Most affairs lasted less than 6 months.
- Most affairs happened when the couple had been married more than 10 years.
While we’re on the topic of affairs (this IS an affair blog!), if you haven’t already watched the Esther Perel TED talk ‘Rethinking Infidelity’, GO NOW. Set aside 22 minutes of your time, and watch this expert psychologist detangle the reasons why people cheat and the psychology behind it. It’s a fascinating insight. I’ve watched it 4 times now and discover something new with every listen. I’ve also sent it to my husband.
Consider her hypothesis that having an affair is not about you, the betrayed spouse, but about a cheater trying to find another sense of themselves. It’s a fascinating concept. Have a listen.
In her presentation, Perel also makes the observation that once upon a time, divorce was likely to be a great source of shame.
Today, she says, “choosing to stay WHEN YOU CAN LEAVE is the new shame”. I agree wholeheartedly. It angers me that this shame is not ours to wear, yet we do. But why? Why do we feel ashamed? Our husbands were the ones who cheated, yet we’re the ones staying to wade through all the shit, AND have the added burden of shame? It’s a slap in the face.
What a stinging observation.
I do admire Perel’s belief that a marriage can be better after an affair. But, she says, you must first acknowledge your first marriage is over. Most of us, she says, are destined to have two or three big relationships/marriages in our lifetime, “and some of us are going to do it with the same person”.
It’s an optimistic outlook. Hopeful.
Something to think about.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
I also liked the talk and watched it twice and found most of it very interesting. Really interesting survey results too, SW. Even though I mentioned this same point on my own blog… the staying being the new shame, for me, the worst feelings coming from outsiders are still the ones where they somehow think it has something to do with how we failed as a spouse. Each situation is unique, but for me, it will always be about the lies my husband told not the actual sex act. Before he even engaged in the sex act there were hours and hours of phone calls, sext messages, flirty emails, pictures etc… By his own admission the sex was over in minutes (dare I say that probably meant seconds sometimes). The real issue for him was all that led up to the act. That’s why I liked her sexual alchemy description of the imagined kiss being as powerful and enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. I also think that some of the people answering these polls are also still very much in their own denial.
Ah,yes, the alchemy! Fantastic observation by Perel. So very true, the anticipation often outweighs the actual act. Did Perel’s talk bring you any peace? SWxo
Not really. Just some interesting things to think about. I think only time will bring me peace. I hope with time I will better be able to accept my new reality.
Oh how that hurts knowing that my husband had so much passion and desire for so long for someone else. Hearing Perel talk about “alchemy” adds salt to my wounds. Too much for me to bear right now…
He should’ve had the fucking balls to just fucking leave me. Instead of playing house…
I completely agree with you, Kat. Staying is so shameful. In sharing my story, I feel shame for how others view my relationship. They view it as broken and wonder what I did wrong, how I could have let this happen. I am afraid to share my story because I’m so tired of carrying the weight of other peoples’ reactions–the pain, hurt and shame that they put into my story.
It’s frustrating that we have to be careful about who we share our stories with and that we have to deal with others’ perception of our relationships. IT’S NOT OUR SHAME!
moreyeah, I have taken the whole ordeal as an opportunity to educate people, both anonymously on my blog and also in person. The fact is, no matter what the circumstances, cheating on a partner you have committed to is just plain wrong and solely the responsibility of the cheating partner. In my experience, the underlying reasons for the cheating reside in low self esteem/low self worth, perceived loneliness or perceived neglect on the part of the cheater. In other words, it is their responsibility to fix what is broken in their life without breaking promises to their family. People do this same thing when talking about children. Oh, my child would never do that because I raised him/her right. Well, guess what people, we don’t always have control over the people in our life, no matter how good we are or how well we treat them. I know not everyone wants to share their story and some of us have very judgmental people in our lives. I have learned to not care what they say or think. We all have to do what works for us, but I have gotten a lot out of sharing my story. I remain anonymous on my blog for my husband. If the world doesn’t really “get” infidelity, they really don’t get sexual addiction. INDEED, it is not our shame!!! xx
Thank you for this post SW. I had not watched Perel’s TED talk because sometimes I get scared that I’ll hear a perspective that will disturb the foundations of my shaky understandings of infidelity. A book is easier to discern from the outset and different to digest. However, because you recommended it I felt it was safe to watch. I liked her talk because she doesn’t underplay the pain of betrayal. I also liked that she examined the motives. I’m glad she aired the belief that staying is the new shame but she didn’t go any deeper as to why this is the case. It still troubles me to feel ashamed of staying with my husband after his infidelity when it would be more appropriate to feel like an emotional warrior.
The stats you discuss are really interesting but I’m afraid I don’t have much faith in their results. The sample is always dubious and the truth likely to be far more complicated. I really do think many more partners stay in their marriage after infidelity than these figures suggest.
Perel is a good public antidote to the crap that Ashley Madison and the like shovels out – it would be good to have more of this. Do you think this might be the beginning of a new public approach to adultery? I welcome the debate if it allows the truth of the pain of betrayal to become centre stage instead of the sexual excitement of the moment. I would also like more light shone on the motives for a woman actively choosing and agreeing to have a relationship with a married man. It really is a questionable behaviour and needs to recognised as a type of madness and shameful.
It amazes me that we are seen as “weak” by the popular culture, for taking a path that is way harder than many divorces. I guess popular opinion is mostly formed by those with absolutely no experience of the situation, plus those with experience that makes them look down on us (cheaters and whore OWs). Some nerve they have to dare, I say. I don’t fit the stereotype who cares more about the lies than the sex. But still.
Yes! This is why my ex-wife left me for somebody who lived thousands of miles away, somebody she had never met, choosing him over me who had been nothing but loyal and caring for the 12 years we were together. He made her miserable and broke it off with her within days of our divorce completing.
I found Esther’s talk very interesting, and made quite a lot of sense. I do sometimes feel shame that I’ve chosen to stay. Me and my H both realise why it happened after we opened our souls to each other. He revealed his innermost fears about himself which made us realise why it happened. I could never tell any of my friends what they were as were so personal, and I know that most of them are thinking I’ve done the wrong thing. Some days I feel bad, but most days I feel fine. He is doing everything possible to make me feel secure with him. I totally understand why he felt the need to carry on with the affair. It was like an addiction to the thrill of being wanted sexually. Sex was not high in our priorities. I wasn’t as enthusiastic about it. I was the one who rejected him often. It became more “maintenance” sex between us. I didn’t make him feel desirable. She did. Now we open up to each other about our fantasies. We had never done that ever. I felt too embarrassed to ever do that and so did he. Now we are very open about it. We feel sexually liberated and encourage each other to open up. It’s brought us closer than ever. I know it will take a long time for the thoughts of him with her to fade. But it is getting easier. The “shame” is also fading. He is being as open as possible with me. As long as we’re talking and letting each other know how we’re feeling I am okay. We’ve always had shared interests and spent a lot of time doing things we enjoyed. But sex was never really enjoyed as we never opened up. We just did it. Now that we have opened up to each other sex is very enjoyable and a pleasure now not a chore.
This completely mirrors my situation. I found a lot of comfort in reading your comment. I am going on 6 months of knowing and I’m still trying to get over the triggers, mental images and shame of staying. All this after months of counseling and us being in a much more sexual and emotional state than we have in years. It’s so difficult to balance the happiness with the anger but I am trying and he is too.
Agreed, SW. I only watched this recently (thanks to Kat 🙂 ) and it is interesting. I watched it with Roger because he asked to watch it with me. For ‘us’ – I use the term loosely – there was nothing new here at all, but we both agreed that it is well done. The shame for me in staying as long as I did was the reason I eventually felt the need to call it. It wasn’t totally about external judgement – although that was hard to take – but more about my inner monologue, or ‘shame’. I feel so robbed of my love story. My joy. My inner peace. And I struggled to draw the much needed line between the ‘two’ relationships – before he cheated and after he cheated and was so helpful and filled with shame, disgust and remorse for what he’d caused. I wanted the old one back SOOOOO badly. Those 21 years were so fabulous. We were so in love. And despite liking and admiring the guy who tried to show me that he was terribly sorry, I didn’t LOVE him. Not how I loved and totally adored him before. And I’m with Neph here. The sex is at least as bad as the emotional connection they shared for me. I can’t stand him touching me after he sucked and fucked her filth. I can’t stand my body. She was skinny anx my curves just feel like lard to me. I disgust myself. I never felt that ever before in my life. And I have lost a once vibrant and sensual part of life. The bliss of sexual satisfaction. I haven’t managed any ‘relief’ now for nearly two years. It aches. I took it for granted, that oh-so-wonderful gift of O!
I agree with you that for me the shame is internal. I’m ashamed that I’ve allowed him to do this to me. I’m ashamed that I believed his lies for so long. I’m ashamed for ever loving him. I’m ashamed that part of me still loves him, even if I can’t stand the sight of him right now. I’m ashamed that I ever had sex with him. His acts have cheapened sex and made even the thought dirty and disgusting. Sex is something that was supposed to be something we shared with each other and only each other. To me, the sex between us was beautiful and full of meaning. However, the moment I found out he gave that to other people, people he didn’t even know, I was disgusted that I ever shared that with him, that I ever allowed the act of sex between us to be intimate. I can’t even think about touching him, let alone allowing any intimacy between us. Honestly, I’m worried that sex will never be the same for me again, even if I do leave. Instead of a deeply intimate act, it just seems cheap and filthy. I feel like I was just another whore that allowed him to fuck me… that is the shame I feel.
I look at it this way: tell everyone you would tell about a divorce, and tell them you stayed instead. It’s a very effective litmus test for finding decent people. I have had 2 judge me IRL but found so many people I didn’t know so well who jumped to support me. The best line that summarises them “I don’t know if I could do what you’re doing but if you can give him a chance then it’s the least I can do”.
I absolutely agree that staying is the new shame. Even after an emotional affair people ask why you would stay and put up with it. I always tell them I hope that they are never in my shoes, but that they will never understand until they are. It’s easy to say you would just walk away, but I think staying is the more difficult choice. Not the wrong choice though. These days I feel that I am personally doing so much better with everything because I have been really believing that it wasn’t me — it was something inside of my husband that he didn’t know how to fix. I think therapy helped tremendously for both of us, but I also think I’ve stopped asking the questions that annoy both of us and I have started asking the types of questions Esther Perel talks about. I started asking what he was looking for, what he felt he was getting or needed that he wasn’t getting at home, what it was he was hoping to feel or get out of the situation. We’ve also talked a lot more about what led up to everything and why he wasn’t willing to open up about his feelings before. I agree that you either move on and build something entirely new, or you live in the past and suffer. I can’t suffer any more, I am choosing to move on. It is over, I can’t change it, but I think my husband and I can both learn a whole lot from the experience. I never knew how much my husband was struggling inside from things that had nothing to do with me, and to this day it pisses me off sometimes that I took the blame during that time, but I think we both now know that it wasn’t really about me, I was just the “picking” that set him off and gave him the excuse. He doesn’t feel that way now which I am thankful for. We are now both far more honest than we have ever been in the past. We celebrated our 12th anniversary yesterday, from two different states, and I felt better yesterday than I have in a long, long time. I can feel things getting better. This isn’t clouding my brain every day like it used to. I am truly working on building our second marriage – together. I hope this one will be far better than the last. Our marriage feels more honest and raw than it ever was before, we have an intimacy that was lacking before. I still have my moments for sure, but they are much fewer and farther between as the days go on. Moving on really is a choice, just like love is a choice.
I love your attitude. So positive. Understanding by the means of asking the right questions in the right way is so important to a better communication.mi am just getting that. Happy anniversary!
Thanks. I thought for a while I was doing well with it but I now realize I wasn’t because I would still have days where I was really, really down and I still really let it hurt me. Then one night my husband and I started talking and it was such a raw, open conversation – it was like a switch – and I realized how much i was making myself suffer before that. I suddenly feel so different, it’s almost like I can’t explain it. But I like it. Keep at it, it will happen.
I agree with all of this, that there were conditions in our marriage that weren’t really meeting either of our needs due to life and all of the distractions. However the affair was really a result of my husband’s internal struggles, so I don’t think there was a whole lot I could have done differently to lead to a different result. I have had a lot of self doubt on one hand, but overall I do believe I was doing the best I can. We all face struggles, it’s how we deal with them and ultimately if we can continue to learn, grow and change. I am finally starting to find moments of peace in month 5, reading your comment makes me feel the tiniest bit more hopeful as well.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Five months in is still early in the recovery process. Anger will resurface so please look after yourself. This is a very rough road. SWxo
I couldn’t agree with u more when u say first u have to accept your first marriage is over. This thought is always on my heart and soul. Always. That why did it happen. Why did he throw it away just like that for a fuck or attention. I have him fourteen years of marriage and my attention was not enough. My life changed without asking me for no fault of mine. And he did that tepeatedly. Yet I am in this marriage. Living and loving him back. I am a looser I feel somedays Who actually took him back. Have so much vengeance against that bitch but could not change a thing. He says now he is sorry. Suddenly says he has never been as much in love as he has today. So then why did he throw my old marriage away. I need to like the new one. I have no choice.
Thank you for posting this.
I had a moment of realisation when Esther spoke about how to ask questions and I found that I had slowly come around to doing that. I think it is my anger subsiding and becoming more understanding of his reasons. Anyway I feel that I need to ask and get reassurance and now I will be more thoughtful in my approach. I have yet to watch it with H but it is on the agenda.
For the very first time on Saturday night I was hit so hard with SHAME. I am not sure if it was the way I was perceiving how people acted towards me…was it my imagination? What gives anyone the right to judge? My sister who I have not seen for a year and who has only recently found out about the infidelities was cold and aloof towards me all night. If H was ever around me then she just turned away and ignored us both. She was the only person who was so obvious in her dislike and distant. We were at my daughters film premiere and afterwards H and I hosted the after party at a hotel for about 100 people. Everyone there knew about H and I as it blew up at the start of the filming and caused quite a commotion. Most people were polite and civil to H and warm and loving to me but I don’t know what or why but I somehow felt pity exuding from people which then made me feel shame. My sister did not help at all but I was expecting her to be like that. The best reaction was a friend we have known for ever who when she first found out was going to kill him but now just treats him exactly as she always has….as though nothing had ever happened. That sits really well with me.
I read an article recently that was all about sex being 100% in the mind. Our mind is so powerful which is why we need to learn to take control of it. When I was on my recovery retreat nearly a year ago now 🌸 one of the sessions we were calmed into a mindful situation and then asked to relive the moment of discovery. We were to take note of our bodies. I was instantly in such a horrid place with my chest tight, my blood racing, my fight and flight instinct in full force , my heart aching with fear and tears streaming down my face. All because of my thoughts.
One of the reasons I love hitting the hot yoga room and challenging myself to 40 degree heat with sweat pouring off me and what goes through my mind is that if I can live through this discomfort I can live through anything!!!!!! Think it long enough and it will become a habit.
I love my H. I can see he loves me. The marriage we had is done and dusted and we really do have a very different relationship now. The good times are so much better with greater depth of understanding and communication. The shit times are horrid and a necessity perhaps but who knows, I hope they abate as time goes on.
Sorry for the rant.
In some divorce blogs and whore blogs I see a false dichotomy: if you’re unhappy now (and you must be because he cheated) then you will be happy separated. The “get rid of the cause will cure you” myth. I know for myself that the divorced scenario would not be a cure, it would have all the pain plus the ongoing extra pain of being tied to him but unable to influence the relationship or parenting. It would have all the pain and none of the validation, he would never have to put any effort into healing what he did anymore. I often think people who have fallen for that false dichotomy (I know some don’t fall for it and really get no choice), can’t own up to that and have to keep telling themselves how great life is. Some who stay do that too.
It’s like the “better happy apart than miserable together” advice to parents about separating. Who says you’ll be happy apart? Can’t see much evidence of it.
@Nephila – I see what you’re saying. For me I have to say I feel more at peace being separated. We still see each other pretty much everyday but I feel more in control living apart. He really wants to come home but he has to earn his way back in and I get to focus on me. One thing I hated about the affair was I felt helpless and not in any control – my husband lied so he got to control what I knew and therefore how I acted. I feel in control, I feel I have choices now and feel less fearful. At first it was scary because I always assumed that he would continue to see the other woman and by making him move out I was making it easier, but I reminded myself he was seeing her while living here so what difference would it make. Ultimately I can’t control anything he does – obviously! I can only control me. I used to work so hard to try and make the home happy – obviously didn’t work, I can’t make someone else happy – I’ve realised that.
I wish i had taken more time apart I think i would feel more at peace too. your right whats the difference he was with her anyway. Your not responsible for his happiness,take your time heal your soul and listen to your guts do whats best for you!!!
@streetpoet that’s not what I meant. Some people will be happier, some less happy, some the same. But it’s the *assumption* I object to, the false dichotomy that if it’s not x (assumption the worst thing is to be with the remorseful cheater) then it must be y (I.e. Wonderful). It doesn’t follow that just because your amputation is at the knee not the thigh that it’s necessarily better. Some people will find it so. Not all. But the whore blogs have very much the tone of “we’ll get out of the marriage and then all will be rosy.” Bollocks, in my view.
It seems to be shame all around isn’t it? You’re weak if you stay but if you divorce (especially in some Christian communities!) you’re obviously angry and bitter and can’t forgive – and it was obviously something wrong with you that he cheated in the first place right!?
I have to say I am a bit surprised about the stats regarding staying – I thought more couples do stay together after an affair.
what about us the one cheated on, i mean what if we were unhappy what about our feelings!i knew we had a few issues we needed to address,but when i said to him we need to talk to someone he said im not going to any fuckin marriage counsler! he was already planning is affair kills me!! I should have left then,but i thought he was just being a typical guy not wanting to go to someone. I think i stay because im afraid of him,when he was screwing around i knew something was wrong i said i want a divorce. He freak out started screaming you want to throw twenty years away!!! then he said i will burn this house down three days after you leave!! I will hunt you down and haunt and he said what do i have to do beat the shit out of you!!! He threw everything away!!!
I have such a problem with what she’s saying, and not because there’s anything wrong with what she’s saying, it’s a problem within myself. Ever since D-Day, whenever I read or watch anything that attempts to explain infidelity, some kind of primal self-preservation kicks in inside of me and my inner voice starts screaming “Don’t buy it! You’re just giving him excuses! You’re sitting here reading this and trying to convince yourself that there was some deep, profound, psychological reason for him fucking the town whore, because you don’t want to accept the fact that he did it BECAUSE HE WANTED TO!”. Have you SW, or anyone else, experienced this? I wonder if it will ever subside. Is it an effect of the anger, or is it how I really feel? I can’t decide, it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore. You’re so right about the shame, and I also believe that the shame is internal for me. I feel it constantly, ‘why am I standing here making dinner/doing laundry/cutting his hair/having sex with him when I meant so little to him that he would do this to me?’. He fucked a disgusting, old, fat alcoholic whore and then gave me a sobbing apology because the news was spreading around the town like wildfire and he knew it would reach me before long. The disrespect of it just guts me. I’m glad he hasn’t once tried to blame it on his needs not being met because I would refuse to hear it, I gave him a beautiful home, we have three amazing kids (for whom I share 80-90% of the parenting responsibilities) I take care of myself physically, I waited on him hand and foot, he was told frequently by his friends that he was the luckiest man in the world, and he agreed. To give someone the best of you for 11 years and have them humiliate you in return…I just can’t reconcile that with ideas that maybe he ‘felt lonely’ or ‘undesired’ or whatever other reason they might pull out of their arses that day.
Sorry for the rambling, today is a bad day 😦 xx
I hear you! Its layers of feelings and they never stop you can be doing somewhat ok then wham the roller coaster of emotions begin!! Some of the stuff she says makes sense.but not all off it.Everyones situation is different, its a choice they made to screw around not a mistake no excuses!!!! I do know this its their problem!! they lack something inside their souls and instead of fixing what really wrong they look outwardly to make it better!!! If they had spent time creating themselves on the inside they would have chosen different–I mean like having morals,values a code to live by you know what i mean? I ask my husband would you have wanted me to have done this to you?
@ KJ – I’m the same, I’m open to hearing opinions and studies and why people cheat but every time I hear about betrayed spouses owning their part or looking at flaws in the relationship, I want to literally slap someone across the room! I thought everybody knew that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship because no ones perfect, you can justify any behaviour if you really put your mind to it. I read somewhere once that the reason people are so adamant to find a reason and a lot of people point the finger at the betrayed spouse because nobody wants to think that their spouse could cheat on them just because they wanted to ….for no good reason.
streetpoet, I completely agree. There was a point where I was almost desperate to find some fault within myself. Something I did wrong or something I failed to do. Both our marriage counselor and my individual one set me straight. It wasn’t me. It was him and his brokenness and that is much harder to take in many ways. The one person I can control is myself, so if the fault was with me then I could easily “fix” it…or so went my faulty reasoning. It was so much harder to accept that there were many things that played into his selfish decision to accept the attention being offered to him and NONE of them realistically had anything to do with me.
Suffering in silence the new normal.
When I was a kid a never looked for Prince Charming. Didn’t think he was real the fairytale isn’t real. All I ever want was the happily ever after the untold story. But now thats gone.
Well SW here I am writing again. The last post I wrote sometime in late February I was leaving. Well I didn’t. My husband become very ill in early March and was hospitalized for 7 days. Between getting our 10 year old to school, going to the hospital all day then picking up our son and going back to the hospital I was exhausted. After 7 days of being home o asked him to leave. I was aty lowest and needed time. After 10 days he came home. We are going to group therapy every week. You do not have to share your story with anyone else. It has brought me some peace and we are communicating with one another differently. I not sure if our marriage will last but I want to give ity very best. I’m regards to Perez’s presentation I had watched it once before and it angered me and then I watched again just recently and it made me very sad. So basically if you have been cheated on you will never truly know from your spouse how he got to that point. You will have to accept that it just happened regardless how selfish or devastating it was. The partner who didn’t cheat has to decide if they want a new life even though they were not looking for one. And better yet you need to fall in love again with someone who hurt you so deep.
I guess what o want to ask all of you is. If your cheating spouse came to you and said o have been transferred in my job we need to sell the house and move. Would you go with him
or would you take this opportunity to sell the house and go your separate ways?
Thanks everyone I will wait to hear from you.
Sorry for the errors trying out a new phone.
You follow your heart.
1. Is your H repentant and is totally transparent?
2. Did NC letter get served?
3. How does your child feel?
4. how long was the affair ? I didn’t really read as i do not know which post you had made.
Funny thing for me to read right now — I think it totally depends on your situation. For me, my husband had an EA, nothing physical and I do sincerely believe that to be true (that does not make it ok, but for me does play into the situation a little bit). A year ago this month after a very heated argument my husband told me that he was not happy and that he wanted a divorce. He was a complete ass. He continued to live in the house but was here as little as possible and interacted with the kids and I as little as possible. He was not really nice to any of us when he was around. Often times he was down right me to me and we couldn’t communicate well at all. Prior to this he was a model husband and father, all of this was completely out of character and floored me. I kept telling him I didn’t believe it because we had a great marriage before…the same as everyone else. He gave me the I love you but I’m not in love with you speech and everything else. I found out that on that day he started hanging out with this girl that worked at the bar he frequented. He often went to see her and they exchanged hundreds of texts. I found out about that in August. At that point he said he wanted to work it out with me but continued to text her, etc. Finally in October he was arrested for DUI, disorderly conduct and a number of other things — COMPLETELY out of character to the man I married. Somehow that seemed to wake him up. He stopped talking to her, recommitted to our marriage, went to alcohol counseling and well as marriage and individual counseling, etc. I sincerely believe (as does he) that he was suffering from depression along with some other medical issues. He has been treated for all of it and is very much back to his old self. He tells me often that he is sorry, he has cried, he has opened up and been very honest. We are both working hard to fix what was broken before and move forward the right way. So in December he interviewed for a job across the country (most of our family is here, his family being part of his depression issues) and was offered a job in January. It started out as a “what if, I’ll just try it, nothing will probably happen anyway” situation. We went there and checked the place out and loved it. I swore I would not move before our kids were out of school but they are only in elementary school now. I realize that if I really am going to commit to making our marriage work then it doesn’t matter where we are, what matters is that we are together. So we did some back and forth, some heated conversations, a lot of tears, some MAJOR ups and downs through the process and in February decided to make the move. Talk about shame — people think I am crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy. I still don’t know if the is going to be a great decision. But I do believe him, I do see that there was a lot more to the situation than just some simple fling, and I do honestly love him and think we can make this work if we try hard. Believe me, I still have my bad days and my doubts and I KNOW that people are not completely thrilled with my decision but it is my decision to make. I had to really search my soul and see what I felt comfortable with. If I’m totally honest there are still days that I wonder if I am doing the right thing. If nothing else this will “make it or break it” for us and I sincerely hope it is make it. If you are in that position now I know how hard of a decision that can be. The only one that can make it though is you. You are the only one who knows what is in your heart, and you know what you believe about what is in his. It isn’t an easy decision to make at all. I wish you the best, whatever the outcome.
Oh — and he has been living across the country since February while the kids and I are back here. He has completely behaved himself (and to be honest it trust him more there than here) and is very committed to making things as easy as possible for the kids and me. He comes home once per month and thanks me for all I am doing here and says it must not be easy. He has been really, really good to me through all of this. This month we all make the big move and I am nervous and excited at the same time. He tells us daily that he misses us and couldn’t imagine life without us, he says now that he knows he wouldn’t have been happy if he had left last year. I think we are all looking forward to being a family again even if it is a little bit scary.
Hi SW. It seems like you’ve been a bit less frequent on this blog – hope that’s a good sign rather than a bad one.
Anyway, I have just today unsubscribed from all the emails I was getting to help save my marriage. This is because we are due to sign papers this month confirming our split and I know (although he doesn’t know I know) my soon-to-be-ex-husband has a girlfriend so he has quite definitively moved on.
Maybe that should be sad or maybe it will give you betrayed wives out there some hope. I betrayed my soon-to-be-ex- and he was upset and angry and could not get past my betrayal. He was also worried, like many of you out there, that he would not be happy again and could never trust again. But it seems like he has found happiness – he is certainly in a better mood than he has been for months. So I guess just to say that if you cannot fix the marriage and it does not work out for you then all may not be lost. You may well find happiness elsewhere.
Having said that – I applaud you for having the strength to stay and try to work things through. I know I did not deserve it (and did not get it) and I can see how hard it is for you to have the triggers, the reminders and all that comes with staying. You are doing a brave thing.
I may come back to read this from time to time but probably not. There’s nothing left for me to try to save. That’s why I have unsubscribed from all the help out there. Nothing can help me now. I have to continue on my journey alone.
Thank you for listening especially given what I have done. You have shown me more kindness than I ever expected. I wish you all the best in your journey and I truly hope it works out with your husband
I’m sorry for your pain. 😦
Hi SW hope your doing better than me this week!! My OH and I have talked a lot recently, he desperately wants to try and work this out but I am of the same mindset (I can’t get beyond him having an affair with her and that he also wanted to leave us 7 years ago) I feel like I need to let him go, its almost like he keeps trying to find a way out. I don’t know why he is here tbh, why would a guy who says he loves you want to leave you with two small children (he stayed in the end, after I practically begged him to, which I don’t feel good about mentally) and then 7 years later have an affair with a skanky french wench?!!! I am scared about mine and the kids future without him but I just want some sort of normal back in our life. OH says he completely understands why I wouldn’t want to try with him after what he has put me through, and has said that he wants to get the house/garden finished (we had an extension last year and we not finished yet) and then he will move out. My OH is away on business in France (affair territory) at the moment and my eldest asked to sleep next to me last night. Would you believe my eldest said to me last night during a conversation about his friends divorced parents, ‘everything is ok now that daddy isn’t in the spare room anymore mum, isn’t it?’ I just said: ‘its not bad honey’ God its gonna hit him like a tonne of bricks when he/they find out daddy is leaving us. Im so depressed with all this worry, I’m just about keeping it together and putting a mask on everyday to do the school run etc. Sorry to ramble on just so low at the moment and your blog is all I have. Thanks x
I am so ever thankful that I found this site…. For the past 3 months since my D-day I’ve felt so alone and utterly insane.
I’m sorry you find yourself here. Tell me a bit about your situation. Sending you love and hugs. SWxo
Dear SW,
I read through all your post in a day.. I felt like you were me.. I felt those were my words. I am sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your story and documenting your journey.
My D-day was about 3 months, my asshole a husband and I were planning an early movie date so he gave me his phone to see a movie trailer. When a notification came on that he had an email from Tania V. I’ve never heard the name before and I asked him who was she. His facial expression said it all. Yet for days he lied to me. Then I went digging through all his emails accounts, social media, Phone records (spotlight search on iPhone) and I discovered he was having an emotional affair with that whore that goes back almost 3 years!!! And she works in his office bldg!! He’s almost 40 and she’s 23. We have 4 kids and she’s a dancer. I also discovered that he was very flirtations on Facebook. Making comments on females pics. And that he was having inappropriate conversations with an ex fuck of his on and off for 12 years!!!! Who is this man? I don’t know. I don’t know who I am anymore. But for the first time in a long time I have found that I am not alone. Thank you for this site.
Hey KaniB, I’m so sorry to hear how badly your husband has hurt you. Thank you for sharing so much of your story. Where are you guys now? Have you decided to stay together? If so, it’s the hardest decision you’ll ever make. It’s almost 20 months after D-Day for me and I can honestly say we are in a better place now. But we had to go through a LOT of shit and a LOT of tears to get here. How do get through every day with 4 children? I admire you so much. The discovery of the affair killed me emotionally and I’m not sure I’ll ever recover. I can relate to everything you’ve said. The flirtatious crap with the a 20yo, writing flirtatious comments….It’s enough to destroy your self-esteem. But what I can tell you is things are better overall. I promise to write an update very soon. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Dear SW,
You’re too kind to respond! Thank you for giving me an outlet and someone to talk to. As you know there are good days, and there are bad days. I still have more fucked days than I deserve. And that’s just it, I don’t deserve what he did to me. None of us deserve being cheated on. I’ve been completely dedicated to raising 3 teenage girls and a 10 year old. I work my ass off in my industry and I do very well in my sales career. I am ambitious, outgoing, and I take care of my self physically. Disclaimer my husband and I aren’t legally married, so I don’t have the legality issue some of you face with separating assets but we do have 4 girls, and I thought we were soul mates and thought we would grow old together. Stupid me. For being so trusting of him. Stupid me for thinking he was stronger. Stupid fucking me for thinking he had morals and values. No we never made vows in front of a judge or priest but we made vows to each other and we were raising a fucking family together. I feel that my relationship has been built on lies. I don’t know this person anymore. I don’t respect this man anymore. I don’t need him by side. But my girls need their dad. He has been doing “everything” he’s suppose to do to repair the damage he’s caused. He answers my questions (sometimes not too patiently) he listens, we go to counseling, he gave me access to his Facebook, personal and work email, and phone account. He stopped communicating with the ballroom whore once he got caught and hasn’t gone on Facebook to comment on those stupid ass pics that his Facebook Female friends post. He leaves his phone charging on the dock and only picks it up to read the news etc. but no longer spends an hour locked in the bathroom with his phone. No more working late. He appears to be transparent. But the trust is forever broken. Should I be grateful? Should I give him another chance? Why didn’t he come to me 3 years ago and share his feelings, thoughts and needs with me. Why couldn’t he tell me I didn’t make him a priority. Why didn’t he tell me he was horny and needed more sex. Why? Why? Why now does he want to make all these efforts when three years ago he made the decisions to risk his job, family, everything I thought he stood for. To add icing on the cake on top of being cheated on I’ve had to play fucking detective and go on the journey of wanting to know everything. I’ve read their email conversation.. I found ecards he would sent her.. I saw racey vids they sent each other. I read how much he wanted her. I read the progression of their relationship. It sounded like he was ready to take things to a physical level. He denied ever touching her. Then I played a game on him and said she told me they were physical. He said ok we only kissed once. I don’t believe him. There’s no way he’s put so much energy on that whore that was easily accessible Mon-fri from 9-5 over three years and only kissed once. Fool me once.. But not twice. Most recently I re read one of their conversations and she said something about a phone conversation they had.. Wait phone conversation??? I thought they only communicated via email? I confronted him on Friday about this and he claims he doesn’t remember talking with her on the phone. WTF. My 38 year cheating asshole of a husband as early on-stage dementia.
How are you all ? Think of you often. Can’t believe it’s almost a year since d day. Can we ever forgive? We have a new normal I suppose but I still think about what happened on a daily basis. Still can’t believe it happened. Take care x
Me too, think about it everyday for the last 7 month since D-day.
Hope all is well with you SW
I miss hearing from you SW, I hope your recent silence is a good sign, that perhaps things are going well and you don’t feel the urge to blog. Whatever the case is, I hope you’re ok. The impact your blog has on me (and many others judging by the comments you receive) is so profound, reading your thoughts has been cathartic and comforting at the same time. It’s humbling and uplifting to know that here in our darkest hours we are not alone xx
Hello KJ, I’ve been trying to blog for ages but time is against me. All good. And thank you so much for your kind words. Your gratitude fuels me. SWxo
Shatteredwife,
I just found your blog. Gosh, I wish I had had this resource when I caught him the second time…
My husband has had an on and off emotional affair with the same woman for 6 years. The first time I found out, we had just started dating and he left his computer up with his Myspace account running. I checked out his stuff because she was supposedly out of the picture. That time, I forgave him.
Fast forward two years later, married and I’m pregnant. He created a NEW email account and would call her on our house phone while I was out. I was livid. I was 5 months pregnant. I figured we would go to counseling and things would be better. That lasted a very short time.
A year and a half goes by, he has created another email address and is receiving blocked calls to which he said was Telemarketing calls. At first, I believed him. Then, I got suspicious. I checked our phone log… he had over 5 hours logged on his cell phone with her in a weeks time. The house phone I didn’t check. He told me it was just a friend and wouldn’t tell me who it was. I knew. Gosh, he thinks I’m a complete idiot. Maybe I am for believing that things are going to get better. We again go to counseling. It doesn’t seem to do any good. Least of all for me.
A year passes by, I decide to email the woman and explain that even though a year has passed, I can’t get over it. She said she’s moved on and decided to work on things with her husband. She told me my husband called her three days after the last incident. She doesn’t tell me why he called.
My husband lied to me throughout the discovery phase. Wouldn’t let me read the emails he sent… though I managed to read most of them because he left the account running in the Yahoo mail app on his phone.
I have NO WAY of knowing if the had sex or not as he frequently took trips that took him minutes from her house.
Yesterday, he lied to me about something I didn’t care about. I was lying in bed and received a text message from a friend. I asked him did he read it. I SAW him reading the message. I just wanted to see if he would lie about it. I don’t give two flips if he reads my messages. I haven’t been the one lying. So, him lying about something benign has caused me to feel betrayed once again.
I have two kids that adore him (one from my previous marriage). He’s the fun parent. I have lupus (which I’m fighting all the way) and haven’t had a steady job in 8 years. I’ve been sick with bronchitis off and on for the past 6 months. My therapist wants me to move out and get on government assistance. I do not.
My husband has spent pretty much my entire inheritance. I hate shopping and pinch pennies while he goes and blows his paycheck. Now we are living paycheck to paycheck.
I will confess that I revenge cheated after the third time.. it didn’t make me feel better about the situation like I thought – so anyone reading this thinking about it, don’t go thinking it will.
My husband wants to go to counseling. I say, I’ve been there twice with him. What’s the point. I just want to move out… right now I stay because of the kids.
Oh, and I quit trying to keep up with whether or not he’s cheating. I really don’t care anymore.
I think that the first time, its a mistake and he SHOULD feel remorse. The 2nd time, thats a choice. Once he does it agaaaaiiin its not going to end. I can’t tell you what to do but honey, you can’t let him keep doing this to you. I know someone who didn’t care anymore and said that she just got used to him being like that but she’s not fully happy with the man and is still there. Some choices in life can be so hard that we just decide to erase it from our mind and not think of it or look at it, but your well being is important. Your babies need you. I know I feel horrible when a married couple seperates because of a betrayal by the husband, the woman has to deal with the kids. Thats the frustrating part too. . . You think about what your marriage is going to be like in 2 years, 4 years. . .?? If he’s still going to be doing this how can you ever feel safe or happy. Sometimes a man needs to be punished the hard way, by leaving. If he’s meant for you he’s going to change and beg to have you back. If not, you have a second chance at love. REAL LOVE.
MUCH OF LUCK HONEY. WE’VE ALL FELT WHAT YOU FEEL.
Feeling your pain honey, i am reading your post this morning from the UK and thinking once again about setting myself free from my cheating husband. I have also given up checking his email and texts as tbh I am not bothered whether he is cheating or not. The question I keep asking myself is, will he do it again if I say I will try again with him?? He has been married before and cheated on her and now me! Odds are he will probably will. He too has also lied about trivial stuff to me in the past, which makes me feel so betrayed and tbh like a mother figure. I am 8 months in from DDay and still feel nothing towards him. I feel empty. I too stay for my kids, for now. Sending hugs (How Long Does it Take). Thanks again to SW for this blog. Xx
We all ask ourselves the “will he do it again” question… We will never know that. Everything is a leap of faith if you decide to stay. SWxo
Hello and thank you for finding me. I’m so sorry your husband has been such a douchebag and betrayed you multiple times. He really has not shown any remorse, has be? As for the whore, have you told her husband? Ignore what your husband says about causing any trouble for her. He’s only trying to protect himself. I know how hard it is with little children – my baby was only a few weeks old when my husband thought it would be the perfect time to cheat. It still disgusts me. I’m so sorry about your father. You poured all your energy into looking after him and were not only betrayed, but got a “what did you expect ” on top of it. It makes me want to cry that your husband has been so thoughtless and dismissive of you. What do you think your next step will be? SWxo
Dear “how long does it take” you can’t be the only one trying to fix shit if he’s still creeping… He’s has to be giving your relationship one billion percent. I know it’s exhausting to police your relationship, but you have to care for yourself. We all deserve better. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. You deserve a faithful, honest, loving husband.
Thank you for sharing that, I am willing to listen to a thousands podcasts and watch a hundred youtube clips to try to make some sense of my life as it is now. I have listened to this following podcast over and over to try to understand if and how i could ever forgive.
I am 14 months past d-day and my husband is no longer trying at all. He’s sick of feeling like he’s doing everything wrong, etc…Yesterday he was talking to someone we both know on social media. He said she messaged him, but never got back to him. Something felt off, so i signed in and peeked. He had started the message with “I’m going to Pennsylvania for work tomorrow (he’s a truck driver) wanna go? In her defense she said she didn’t want to go that far and maybe you should ask your wife. For me though his lying shot me right back to D’day and I got horribly upset. He says he hid it because it was innocent as he’d asked many other people and he lied to protect me because I would’ve gone psycho. Sounds like he was protecting himself and what he wanted even at my expense. He got mad at ME for being upset and said he was done with me. I made the mistake of trying to make him stay and he shoved me accidentally into the wall and I broke my toe. He just took off. He came back the next morning and is trying to act like he has the upper hand. He’s gone again to his shop fixing our car, but I don’t know what will transpire when he gets back. For the record he has never been physically abusive, but this emotional shit is killing me. I feel like a doormat that has wasted another year of her life on someone who couldn’t care less. Any advice, did I overreact? I desperately need someone to talk to. Thank you…Crystal
First he lied to you, then he tried to convince a woman to meet him in Pennsylvania, then he injured you?? Crystal, the writing is on the fucking wall. The emotional shit kills all of us. Yet despite this repeated abuse, you’re still there. Despite your love for him, he clearly has no interest in repairing your marriage. Please, save YOURSELF. No-one else will do it for you. End your own suffering by leaving your toxic marriage. I wish you love and strength. SWxo
No, the woman is a mutual friend of the family, but we don’t know her that well. He asked her and several different family members if they’d like to ride up to PENN with him as its a long, boring trip. Because he asked other people he sees no problem with it and said he protected my feelings cause I would have flipped out. He was trying to push me off him (I was trying to stop him from leaving) when he pushed too hard and I hit the closet door, then the floor. I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel he must hate me something fierce to make me feel this way. Thanks for your advice and comfort. BP
Dear broken pieces,
Why didn’t he straight up ask you if wanted to take that boring ride with him? It could’ve turned into a nice getaway for the both of you… Your husband has not reason to run to any other woman for company! REGARDLESS of how inocent it could be, because your relationship is in a delicate stage.
Oh honey im so sorry your going through another lie in your marriage, none of us can tell you what to do you have to get out of you what you believe is good for you. I have in the back of my mind that if this ever happens again, i will leave withought a doubt why, because the first time i understand it was a Big Mistake. But the second time, its a choice. I feel like he loves or likes doing this if he does it again so im out the door or hes out the door whatever our situation may be. I pray to God it will never ever happen again but I know many cases where it does. Im praying for you hun. Gos is good, and will never leave you.
Regardless of whether it’s the first time or a subsequent time, I strongly believe it’s always a conscious choice they make. At least in my case, a ‘mistake’ doesn’t keep happening for over 14 months. Arsehole.
Just over a month until I can apply for a divorce. Can’t wait.
We have three small kids and I don’t have enough support to get away from my kids that long. He asked many other people too, incl guys he works with just for company. I still believe he doesn’t see that he did anything wrong, because he views it as innocent. I believe it wasn’t sexual, but he lied to me and then said he did it to protect me from my forseen overreaction. I think after all this time, he feels I should just be trusting, etc…He doesn’t seem to realize how delicate our relationship is now and I think he views it as simply my problem. I’m very torn and he is acting all concerned again, but I feel like I’m back to square one trust wise. I’m just so sick of the limbo and not feeling good enough. I wish he were truly just an asshole that I could stop loving, but it’s not that simple. He ended up taking our 12 year old son with him today and they’ll be returning soon. Thank you all for understanding that this isn’t easy. Without the support of all of you here, i don’t know what I’d do. Lulu, I hope you find peace. You certainly deserve it.
Thanks, BP. Although I may be getting divorced soon, it certainly isn’t an easy path choosing to leave a cheating spouse.
I don’t have children which makes it much simpler but I have suffered great loss and had to work hard to make a new life for myself. In one moment, I lost my husband, marriage, home, trust in people and many dear relationships I had with people I knew through him (my mother-in-law is a saint).
Despite the pain and loss (and unfortunately a huge debt, yay to mortgages on a single income), I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for true friends, family, medication and a good, supportive psychologist. I’m in a much better place these days but still occasionally struggle with the reality of my situation. However, hopefully I will eventually find complete inner peace again.
I sincerely wish everyone else on here will achieve the same whether you choose to stay or leave x
Thank you for sharing this video. I’m in my 30’s and I’ve just found out a couple of days ago that my husband was cheating on me with several women. I found over 500 sexual videos, photos and chats in his phone. I feel so destroyed and hopeless. I saw the signs, I felt that female instinct that tells you something is not right, so I asked him a couple of times and he denied it. I choose to believe him. So fool. Our relationship was not in the best moment so he convinced me to go to therapy together. Still, he continued to lie. Until I saw the damned phone. My life has crumbled. This is the only thing he always swore he wouldn’t do. ‘If we want to be with someone else, we’ll be honest” he always said. We had an agreement. And I believed him. I’m so angry. The images and the sound in the videos is what is waking me up at night. We have a 3 year old, and not even for him, he stopped lying. Will this pain be gone one day? I know I have to be strong for my son, but how do I even start picking up the pieces? We were 11 years together…
This TED talk was awesome. I’ve seen it before and really was enlightened by it. Xo
Today is the day I’m officially divorced, the other D-Day. Divorced. It has been looming over my head for weeks and now that it’s arrived, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. I’ve taken a day off work just to have some time alone to reflect on my life.
I don’t feel sad or happy. I don’t feel like crying or feel relieved that it’s officially over. It’s more like disbelief that it even happened. That my life turned out like this. The anger and pain have subsided but there’s still a numbness in my heart.
I find myself thinking back to my wedding day which was only a few short years ago. We got married on the 26th, now we’ll be divorced on the 26th. Funny how these things happen. There was so much love and happiness in the lead up to that day. So much promise, hope and dreams for the future. Surrounded by loved ones and the man whom I thought was the love of my life. Today, I’m just by myself. I wonder what’s going through his mind.
Yesterday the chain of the necklace that my parents gave me as a wedding gift broke as I took off my riding jacket. There was a stunned silence. I couldn’t believe the timing. How weird that it should break on my last day of being married. Coincidence? Even the universe knows my marriage is over!
Tonight I’m having dinner with my close girlfriends. A single and fabulous party to mark the beginning of a new singledom. I’m scared of the future but also hopeful. I hope I never feel the pain of betrayal ever again. I hope I find someone who will treat me right… Fingers crossed.
A random reflection but it helps me in my journey. Thanks SW for giving me an outlet to express my thoughts x
Lulu, you are an amazing woman. The disbelief that this is your life now will be with you for doing time, but you have found the strength to move forward and for that, you deserve to find happiness. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. SWxo
SW, I definitely agree that staying is the new shame. Some of my own family (which I wish I had never told) to this day will make a comment on how forgiving I am, because they couldn’t be treated like that. It makes me feel like I have no self esteem, that I feel like I’m not worth more, which I don’t think and I hope not to be true. It has been a while since I have posted, but I have been checking in occasionally as it helps (however sad) to know other people feel the same as me and that I’m not a complete loon. I too love him very much, but not as much as I did before…it’s so different now. My 2 year anniversary is next Month and some days I feel better, yet some days like today I feel like there’s no progress because there’s just no way to justify such a betrayal. There’s just no way to get out of this limbo from hell. It would be nice if the pain would just end, but I’m starting to realize that it never will, at least not completely. I’m trying to focus on the good days right now because I think that’s all there is going forward. It’s just so fucking unfair for this to be my reality now. Sorry for the vent and thank you for keeping this site to help us betrayed.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you, BP. Our new reality is a self-esteem killer. Your story is also a reminder to be careful about who you tell. I often feel the same way — that there is no way to justify such a betrayal. Which makes it difficult to move on, because you often ask “Why the hell am I still here??”. The state of limbo is just shit. SWxo