With my anger already on high alert, it hit a new high last night.
My sister was visiting and happened to mention a video that was going viral. A video of my husband’s band with Gina doing lead vocals.
I had no idea.
He is not in the video but it was posted on the band’s Facebook page and he Liked it.
A video of THAT FUCKING BIMBO singing and he Liked it.
I mean, how fucking DENSE is my husband?
I know it’s a seemingly harmless gesture, and normally it would be.
But not to me. And not now.
My sister, who is unaware of my husband’s affair, sat there happily playing the video to me on her phone.
I mumbled something about not liking her voice and moved onto something else.
Thanks, husband, for not mentioning this. Dickhead.
My husband works in the field of social media, so to not have even mentioned this to me would have been killing him.
All this shows me is what a complete lack of respect my husband has for my feelings.
He will never GET IT.
Any shred of love or respect I had for him died in that moment I saw he had Liked the video.
I am completely dead inside.
Maybe this is the end of the line.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
Oh wow. He would be hanging by one arm naked off a balcony over a highway right now if I were his wife. They are idiots, we know that by now, but this is like rubbing your nose in the fact he’s advertising his stupid to her. Unbelievable. Paul did it once about 6 months after the end of the affair where he thought something out loud and she was in the room. Needless to say it was not information she should have had and she used it, obviously. He did not “get it” for another 2 months and then all of a sudden he was begging and pleading because it hit him like a brick wall. Sending bricks your way to build the wall.
Shattered wife, so sorry you were hurt again, it seems like the pain never stops. It is just awful . So so sorry that you are now living this life that you did not choose . My husband keeps saying I am obsessed , pretty sure I am not the one that bought prostitutes into our lives. I feel we are at the end of the line too. Can’t understand why I persist at trying to make my marriage work with a whore fucker that I hate! Telling myself I love him! None of this makes any sense. He says this is not working! How in the hell do you make a marriage work with a lying cheating whore fucker! How can we ever be happy again. I know I am wasting my time, don’t know what I am still doing here, nothing will change.
Grrrrrr so angry
Sorry you are sad x
You’re not going to want to hear this and you may even be angry with me. But seriously, you need to stop. Either let it go or let him go. My now ex husband cheated on me 2 weeks after I gave birth to our first child. He cheated with a stripper over a 5 month period. Not to compare or say that your hurt and my hurt aren’t the same because your husband didn’t actually sleep with someone. Really I know that doesn’t matter, the betrayal is really the killer. But you are giving this chick way too much power over your marriage. If
You really can’t let what happen go and move forward, then you need to move on.
To give you a bit of info in my case, my ex was always selfish. Everything was always about him. He was lazy and he had a gambling addiction. He was a constant liar. We argued numerous times because our power would get shut off, our cable and Internet would be shut off. You get the point, he wasn’t a provider, there was no stability. His cheating, although painful, turned out to be a blessing for me and my son. We struggle a little but overall I’m a lot happier with my decision to move on.
Like you, I would not be able to let go of what happened and that is also because he gave me nothing to hold on to. So once again, everyone’s case is different, but if you’re going to give other people the power to control your emotions, then you need to rethink where you want to be. If he is a good man, a provider, good father, hard worker, and he fell into that temptation of texting another woman, that’s not that horrible.
The real deed didn’t happen and he could have easily chickened out if the time did come. You can’t hold texting against him. He lied. If you don’t think your anger and emotions have decreased with time then
Once again, either let it go or let him go.
I am totally speechless. Did he go for marriage counselling? Seems he is still in compartmentalising zone.
I feel you.
Yes, we did the marriage counselling thing. Not sure where that got us. SWxo
I validate your response. He must be completely dense to do this.
SW, maybe he just did it to be nice, after all they are in the same band. I know after the unfaithful thing happened, we seem to overthinking lots of things, give him a chance to explain, maybe it’s not as bad as you think.
Xoxo, we are all here for you.
We do over-think a lot of things. One of the legacies of an affair. SWxo
I’m so sorry to read this SW and feel sad for you. I am feeling exactly the same as you. I feel so miserable, everything I had hoped for in a husband and a family he has completely destroyed. It’s been 6months now since DD and everyday all the pain and sorrow is still there. I think my OH thinks by being nice all the time will make it all better. What a complete DICK he really is!!! He still has to go away on business most weeks and inbparticular FRance, which is where the whore lives, so a major trigger for me!! Last week he was away all week (he could be up to all sorts as far as I’m concerned), on his return he made no attempt to woo me or show how much he had missed me!! In fact I got a text from him on his last day of travel saying: There is a squash end of season get together on Sat aft and I would really like to go, I can take kids with me. Is it me, or is this really insensitive and selfish for a hubby who has recently had an affair and is trying to win his wife back, given the fact he has a. Been in whore territory again and b. That I’ve been run ragged all week looking after kids, house, holding down a job and just started a home study course?!?!??!? I feel like a f-ing doormat!!! I feel like this could be my ‘End of the line’ too!!! I feel your pain. I might start batting for the other team, I just don’t get men sometimes?!?!
Batting for the other time. Best suggestion I’ve heard this week! : ) SWxo
So sorry SW..
Shattered, I am so sorry to hear this! Sometimes they actually seem too dense to realize they’ve done something to hurt us! How could he be so thoughtless. XO Joan
I’m so sorry he’s such a selfish piece of crap.
Does the band know of his indiscretions? Maybe he liked it simply to keep from looking off? I’m so sorry you found out in such an awkward way 😦 He definitely should have told you, but sadly most of them seem to be idiots. Sigh..I hope you are doing alright. ((Hugs))
No, nobody in the band knows. SWxo
Does he even get any of this? Doing that feels like after “all this time” that he doesn’t. That he has no urge control. Because after an affair they have to practice daily mindfulness, just as we do. “If I ‘like’ this, what message will that send? To SW? To the whore? To the world?” It JUSTIFY seems like the action of a guy who hasn’t had the penny drop yet. Did he even hear any messages in counselling or was he mentally elsewhere? He needs this illustrated. By you. As calmly as you can manage. His actions are forever. His reactions are now forever actions. He needs to be CONSTANTLY mindful. CONSTANTLY thinking about YOU and YOUR wellbeing. It sucks. We are damaged and need extra care. Always. If he doesn’t want that life, too fucking bad dude. You gave cool, chill SW away. This is who YOU created. Much love SW.
Urgh. Phone auto-correct. Lord knows where capitalised JUSTIFY cane from. I think I meant *just. Weird!
This shows both a lack of transparency to you, and responsibility post-affair to show you respect (bonus respect, even what with him being a cheater). Yet he chose to do neither.
What could he have done? The choices are endless! Show you the video, apologize that he is still in the band with his affair partner he cheater on you with (so WTF, can’t he make a new band or something? but anyway, that phrase should be complete every time). Explain he should Like it because that’s professionally what needs to be done.
But I have read about people who change jobs to get away from the affair partner, out of respect of the betrayed spouse.
If he cannot focus your needs for any moment when he could have handled something better than causing you excruciating pain, then new band might well be the best course of action here.
Or leave him. Yeah, he’s good in bed and a provider. He’s also someone who lied and cheated. I’m stuck trying to decide if ever trusting someone who demonstrated profound ability to lie and cheat is mentally healthy. His remorse level is pathetic too.
I realized what pissed me off about his apologies — maybe this will help with your stupid H and the apologies he’ll be making really soon about his poor handling of the FB stuff…
I’m still getting the I’m sorry you are hurt, or the I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Notably lacking is the ‘by my actions doing stupid cheating’. There is a total lack of asserting that this disaster is completely of his making and he owes me the apologies BECAUSE HE CHEATED.
Hence pondering divorce rather than seeing if he’ll give a shit about a decent apology.
I’m sorry your H caused you even more pain than his cheating, by continuing to carry on in non-cheating ways with his affair partner in non-transparent ways that do not come with apologies for how much anything involving her is like a knife into your heart.
She is not his affair partner. She’s a blonde bimbo who sent my husband flirty messages about a month after D-Day. He did nothing to discourage it (and probably encouraged it). I dislike her immensely and do not trust her one bit. SWxo
And wisely you do not trust him. He betrayed that again in not being transparent. That’s the thing he’s failing on right now. My H showed me a FB message from an old college GF asking for advice with a new BF on some things they liked (her and H, back in college). Points to him for showing me, never allowed to talk to her again without telling me — I had no idea they had, uh, so much fun. And it didn’t matter, before, because I thought he was faithful. He never cheated on me with her, no, but he cheated all the same and boundaries CHANGED.
Your H is pretending nothing changed, which is an affront to the pain you are going through.
Yep, basically sucks all-round. SWxo
triggers hey. they suck.
no matter that it isn’t the affair partner its a trigger. how many fucking triggers …. how long do they hold us ….
sick of them and sorry that you are still haunted by them 😦
I think that means our partners aren’t stepping up to the mark and doing what needs to be done for us to get through it as we need them to and that they haven’t restored our trust in them.
And as for facebook. I deleted our account.
I feel you concerning facebook.I blocked both my stupid husband and his slut. Then husband asked me if I could befriend him again. WTF? No way I’m gonna do that. I no longer think of my husband as my friend. If anything, I see him as a two-timing backstabber who instead of being my friend and protector, chose to be the cause of my pain. I just hate him so much
How VERY inconsiderate! #soselfish
SW, wow. That was quite stupid of your husband, but do they ever learn? It’s as if they never get just what their cowardice and selfishness did to us. I’m sending you strength
My husband’s stupidity still gets to me as well. He had been travelling with his slut in the name of business. Last week he told me he had to travel and said he’d do it alone. I had to insist to go with him, no way I was letting him sneak in his slut. I hate what I’ve become because of his affair. I was never this paranoid, always suspicious person. I enjoyed trusting.
The worst bit though, is when I hear him talk and laugh on the phone. It doesn’t matter who he’s talking with, because to me, that’s unfair. How could he cause me this much pain and still find it in his heart to have an enjoyable moment????? At such times, all I feel like doing is smashing that stupid sheepish smile off his face.
My anger is so much that sometimes I contemplate finding a way to kill him and the slut somehow
Omg phoenix, I swear I wrote your post. I can’t bear how happy and cheerful he is laughing and joking on the phone , not a care in the world. I want to smack the smile off his face too.
Terrible the way we have changed. Good luck. I hope you are the one laughing out loud on the phone real soon x
I feel the EXACT SAME WAY. It feels so unfair that he can make me miserable and I’m dying inside, yet he seems so carefree and able to enjoy life. I also hate the person he has turned me into. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but in a way, I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
Crystal we all feel exactly the same, I hope it soon becomes some sort of bearable for you. One year on and I still find each day a struggle. I think I know deep down things will never be quite the same. I no longer feel very special. Good luck crystal
Hope this site brings you comfort when you feel like you are going crazy, you are not alone. It seems there are many many lying cheated husbands that love us….. Mmmmm, still trying to make sense of that! 💝
you know girls, sometimes i feel like if i go out and do the same thing it would make me feel a lot better in a way. but what if it doesnt. Only that way will he know how i feel. But im obviously being silly because im not like that. Those thoughts do go through my head many times though.
SW I completely understand how you feel. My husband after cheating and told her off, kept in contact with her because her spouse is his cousin. We were still in contact for 4 fucking years. attending parties, get together’s with the kids, etc… i found out 4 years later. I hate her fucking guts. They both acted like nothing had happened. I don’t understand that, I would never have allowed that if the situation were turned around. I would have parted ways, family or not. Men are stupid though i think they feel bad for the other woman in a way. IDK why but i think that. Its a girl, come on. Guys don’t hate, girls hate. And i hate the fucking Slut.
I understand that you hate her Sarah, I hate my husbands whore too. But please put that energy into healing yourself. I have put so much energy into hating the whore, one year later nothing has changed, it is exhausting. My husbands whore sits safely behind a brothel wall, getting paid to fuck people’s husbands and ruin lives/families, but it was my husbands choice to drive there and park his car in the rear discreet car park , walk into the brothel and pick the whore out of a line up, swipe his bank card (idiot , surely you would pay cash!) then take the used up filthy whore to a room and fuck her for 45 minutes! It was my husbands choice! Yes they are sluts and whores, but our husbands chose to cheat. Grrrr
This is indeed the hardest pill to swallow. Our husbands CHOSE to cheat. Nothing will ever change the fact they made a CONSCIOUS DECISION to shit all over our marriages. Blaming the other woman is easy, especially a prostitute. But the blame should go where it belongs: on our weak, selfish shithead husbands. Don’t get me wrong, the other woman will always be a whore, especially if she knowingly fucked a married man. SWxo
Well said SW, I am watching this show on foxtel called ‘ the mistress’
Interesting , some of them did not even know he was married, but some did and still continued with the realationship. A lot of the husbands tell the mistresses they are only staying for the children and their wives no longer give them sex. They promise they are leaving their wives as soon as they can, this rarely happens as these men are ‘cake eaters’ (a term I found on chump lady) these mistresses believe they are also victims of the husbands lies and betrayal. It is interesting to see it from the other side . Our husbands are the ones who betrayed us. I think we like to blame the other women because we cannot comprehend that our husbands would knowingly destroy us. Very confusing, we are trying to make it work with our husbands , we have so much anger, we need something to blame.
I don’t really know, I am as confused as much as the next betrayed wife. Too exhausted to think straight
I read that an affair can make marriages stronger. I am yet to see proof of this, don’t really believe that. I know my husband gets defensive when I blame his whore or say she is filth, I think he sees it as me insulting his taste ! But not really sure about that either as I no longer know this man. That is something I am also grieving
I think our husbands take the cowards way out. In your case, he was related to her husband. I agree with you that it should have been done, but how hard would it have been to explain cutting off family? In my case he owned a business with her. After he ended it, she convinced him she could separate “business from personal”. So he also took the easy way. Likely they both hoped we would never find out. Instead, they created even MORE pain.
In my opinion? It’s ok to hate the whore. Just don’t give over all your energy to that. I will always hate the woman my husband had an affair with. They worked together and she admits pursuing him. She admits taking advantage of the fact that he was going through a tough personal time with depression. She knew he was married. She knew he had kids. Disgusting. But at this point I try not to let that dominate my thinking. Give yourself time. Each day choose to do the next right thing. For you, your family and your marriage. Healing comes in baby steps.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” – Maya Angelou
Exactly. Whenever I’m in denial I remember this quote
Shattered, this incident speaks to his ability to set and keep boundaries. I would start with a conversation about that. If he continues to make you feel unsafe, healing will stall out. Can he ask her to leave the band? is HE willing to give it up? I may go down in flames for this comment, but in my opinion when our husbands cheat, ask for forgiveness and we stay? We get to set the boundaries. We get to say when there is a woman that makes us uncomfortable and then she is out of his life. I was NEVER a jealous type. My husband’s whore was the only woman I ever felt ragingly insecure around. Now we know why!
No, he cannot do that. It’s not HIS band! SWxo
How are you today SW? I’m sorry if I was a bit cryptic with that Maya Angelou quote. I just thought it rang so frighteningly true, nor just for you, for all of us. It sickens me how glaringly similar all of our husbands/situations are. Our feckless husbands don’t have a shred of originality between them!
So what does this mean for your marriage? I too find myself at a crossroads. I recall my husband’s tear-soaked promise “I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you”. I look at him watching sports on tv and think “We’ll?! What are you doing to make it up to me?! You’re doing nothing!!”. I think of his affair constantly, I don’t know how he has the nerve to even look me in the face, or kiss his children with that disgusting filthy mouth. What a fool he must take me for.
The topic of ‘dealbreakers’ is on my mind constantly. I always felt so sure that I would walk if he cheated. He did and I stayed. So what are my dealbreakers now? He already decimated my self-esteem, shat all over the sanctity of our marriage, made a complete and utter idiot out of me with his affair, why on earth would he respect any other boundaries or dealbreakers now?!! My survival instinct is screaming at me to get the hell away from this man NOW!!
SW, your husband seems to be either unaware or unappreciative of the importance of the second chance as he have been given. You have given him ENOUGH, you already have three real babies to take care of, it’s not your responsibility to baby this man-child through this too! After what he did he should be hyper-aware of your feelings, he should be handling you with kid gloves and being extra-specially careful of your feelings. He is showing you by his actions that he does not care. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM ENOUGH CHANCES! Quite frankly after what he did he ought to be on his knees, spoiling you, showing you how thankful he is for the second chance you graciously bestowed upon him. He is not doing that. He is deliberately maintaining contact with a woman that you have expressed discomfort with, he is giving two fingers to your feelings and telling the world ‘I can do whatever I want!’.
I have followed your journey loyally, I’ve expressed my gratitude to you several times for your searing honesty in this terrible journey. I so admire your courage and your no-nonsense approach to the murky field of infidelity. It’s time for you to put YOU first now. Maybe your thoughtless pig of a husband will start giving more thought to your feelings if you tell him you want to separate?
Whatever you choose to do, you have my full support, thoughts, prayers and best wishes for you and your babies. Xxx
Hello KJ, thank you for your very thoughtful and generous message. Today, I’m not doing so well. It’s just after 1am where I am and here I am wide awake. The insomnia is exhausting. Last night was similar. I was awake from 1am to 6am. After the kids went to where they had to go (school/grandparents) I went back to bed and stayed there all day. The depression has set back in, I’m starting to eat less, and I sit here muttering “I hate my life” over and over again. (And just to rub salt in the wound, I wrote a 1000-word YOUblog post which FUCKING WORDPRESS has managed to lose, ugh. I saved it and everything. Piece of SHIT.)
You weren’t being cryptic with the Maya Angelou quote; I am very familiar with it and it rolls over my head a thousand times a day. I’ve been meaning to blog about it for a while now. (I STILL FUCKING HATE YOU, WORDPRESS.)
Crossroads is exactly where I’m at. I need to go back to my doctor but am scared she’ll want me to go back onto the antidepressants and anxiety meds. I was thinking today that I need to get myself into a psych ward somewhere. The pain of betrayal is too much sometimes.
My husband and I are booked to go on a 5-day relationship retreat next month on a warm Pacific island. We’ll be away together for 10 days. The thought of not seeing my babies that long AND spending every minute of the day with a man I can barely bring myself to speak to is giving me heart palpitations.
I would so much love to be in a position where I COULD walk away if I wanted to, but I’m not currently working, so we depend on my husband’s income to survive. I also vehemently oppose the idea of my children growing up in a broken family. We all make sacrifices going through this shit. I will stay if it means my children get to have their father around in the same house as their mother. How depressing is that?
I don’t honestly know what my dealbreakers are these days. My husband to this day promises to do whatever it takes but clearly SAYING the right thing is easier than actually doing it.
Thank you for reaching out. It helps to have someone to talk to. SWxo
Please can you tell me the maya Angelou quote, I googled but could not find it, many thanks
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou
Thank you, I have actually seen that somewhere before. Makes sense
Dear Shattered I am so sorry. Men are so stupid it’s unbelievable.
My husband (of 25 years) cheated on me with one of my close friends. My world has been upended. I have done two things that someone from the UK never does – firstly I went to the doctor to ask for help and secondly I discussed my private life and feelings with my friends. I found their support unwavering and they did not immediately tell me that I should leave or anything like that but that I must look after myself first.
So if I may reach out to you and say you sound like you are near the end of your tether and I would advise you to go and see your doctor again – there’s no shame in it we all need something from time to time. Please look after yourself first. I know you have children but I would advise you to think about what you want and use whatever resources you have to make your own life more enjoyable whether it’s a night out (pay a babysitter if you can) or a visit to the nail salon or whatever. I am not sure if you have a friend or two that you have confided in who live close by but this is so helpful and people are so wonderful when it comes to giving support – look at all these lovely people on this blog who are cheering you on and who you are helping in return.
Your husband has been stupid in liking this video but from what I understand he isn’t having secret lunches or texting this girl even though she is in the band? That’s something to hold on to. Maybe he should leave the band. My husband left the band he loved playing with since they practiced in the house next to the OW’s house. There are other bands.
I hope that the retreat helps you. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other. even though you think you have no options you do. And also your husband could have walked out anytime and he has not. If you want him to stay that is something to be grateful for.
You may find that the change in the environment at this retreat lets you heal a bit more. I like the Maya Angelou quote but I would answer with one from Helen Keller “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it”.
Hello Rebecca, thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I will be going back to my doctor shortly, and I will request a referral for another therapist. I’m not convinced the last one was the best fit for me. I congratulate you for seeking help and comfort from your friends. I feel too humiliated to go there yet. I haven’t even told my sister, and we grew up together very close in age. I feel like such a fraud, hiding myself from the rest of the world. Thank you again for the hope in your message to me. SWxo
great reply but “men are so stupid”? My personal experience it was my ex-wife who destroyed our lives (the female) and at least 4 of my friends have been through it too. It matters not whether males or females commit adultery, in effect..some people are just weak. How we deal with it is what makes us.
Hi Henry, it’s nice to hear the perspective of a man who’s been through this shit too. I’m sure you understand that we mean no harm to mankind in general with our ‘stupid men’ quotes, as you can see it’s mostly betrayed wives who comment here. But we are well aware that women are just as adulterous and stupid, after all, our husbands didn’t cheat with themselves! In SW’s case the other woman was also married with children, and still pursued an affair with SW’s husband and father of three. It’s skin-crawlingly scary to know that these people walk amongst us every day!
PS: I must say I disagree with your ‘some people are just weak’ opinion. I’m a weak person, I’ve always considered myself to be so. I’m the kind of person who would rather stand outside in the freezing cold waiting for my friends than walk into a bar alone. I would never send back food in a restaurant. I would rather walk out of a hairdressers half bald than say something that might hurt the hairdresser’s feelings. It’s not just a case of being too nice, I genuinely shit my pants from things like that (not literally lol). It’s a quality in me that I’ve never liked, and yet it wasn’t me who cheated. One of the reasons I was first attracted to my husband was because he was so bold and forthcoming and outspoken. I admired that in him. And he cheated. So I don’t believe cheating is about weakness of character, it’s about entitlement. Our husbands/wives/partners didn’t have a weak moment and end up in bed with someone else. They made a conscious, some would even say bold, decision to pursue someone else. These things don’t ‘just happen’. They take desire and thought and planning and following through. Weak people don’t do all that. Cheaters are not feeble-minded poor little sausages who were led astray, they CHOSE to do it, fully aware of the consequences and making up excuses to justify their selfish actions. And for me, that’s been one of the hardest things about this whole mess to try and accept. My husband didn’t hurt me by accident, he didn’t forget to bring home milk or organise a boys’ night on our anniversary, he actively chose to fuck another woman and not tell me. I don’t see a weak person when I look at my husband, I see a conniving person who is capable of far worse things than I ever gave him credit for.
This is just my opinion and applies to my situation, I’d be interested to hear what you Henry, SW and everyone else thinks about this? X
My husband had become more and more violent since I found out about the whoreno boundaries left to cross , tonight he blackened my eye, split my eyebrow , pulled my hair , called me fat and ugly , piece of shit. No wonder he fucked an asian whore cause I am so ugly,I am bkack and blue, he says he is leaving tomorrow , running to his cheap whore to collect all those freebies she promised him because he was such a sexy John
Let’s hope he does not ever come home again as I fucking hate him
Amanda, this is completely WRONG and UNACCEPTABLE. Please contact the police. What he has done is AGAINST THE LAW. Protect yourself. Domestic violence is a killer. Don’t be a statistic. SWxo
Henry Jones Junior you are right I mean’t to call out Shattered husband for acting stupid not include all men in that. Women screw up lives too after all it does take two to tango.Sorry for your hurt.
Shattered, I am so sorry to hear you are nearing depression again, but Rebecca is right you need to take care of yourself first, so you can take care of your kiddos! I also think it would help if you confided in someone, a close friend, your sister, someone you trust, it helps so much, my best friend has been so supportive. I wish I was there to give you a big hug & let you know I care about you! You have helped me so much these last long months, I just wish I could return the favor! XO Joan
SW I am so sorry you are so sad, I hope you find something to ease your pain. I hope one day you look back and it is just a bad memory. I hope you get there quickly . Joan is right , look after yourself. I can help wondering if any man is worth this much pain. I have been on anti depressants, anti anxiety meds for a year now, they don’t seem to work but I am scared to wean off them incase it gets worse. I too sit for hours now hating my life. Sometimes the pain is unbearable do I drink wine and take sleeping pills, oblivion, bliss
Get better soon x
There is too much anger, hurt and resentment. I don’t sense any love or affection between the both of you. Was there any even before this happened? If not then there doesn’t seem to be any foundation to rebuild this marriage. He must be just as miserable as you are. Not good situation at all for either of you. If you still feel like this maybe it’s time to let each other go and find happiness elsewhere if there is none to build upon in your marriage
Wow, aren’t you a ray of sunshine. There was plenty of love and affection before the affair. Don’t come here acting like you know everything. SW
The reason we are so hurt is because there was love and affection and now we are struggling dealing with betrayal and disbelief . I hope you never experience what it is like to have your world turned upside down!
Sorry if my comment wasn’t positive.
I went through similar when years ago an unhappily married woman made a pass at my husband and he responded. I also tried to put it behind me and carried with our marriage silently resenting him, still loved him and didn’t want to break up our home.
It happened years ago when our child was a baby and I was constantly rejecting my husband as i had lost the lust for sex between us. I missed the romance of when we first met. We were bickering over money problems and usual day to day mundane things. I had disconnected sexually, because the lovely affection and romance when we first met had disappeared with both of us. This happens in a lot of marriages when kids come along. The affair was brief. We put it behind us and I thought it happened because we were both arguing all the time. But now realise it was because he couldn’t handle the constant rejection from me and responded to another woman that made him feel attractive.
We have a good life, we laugh together a lot. We spend weekends together and have fab holidays together. BUT, I had started to be not too bothered about sex again. I remember thinking that I wished I felt sexy but didn’t and that part of our marriage seemed unimportant. A little voice said what about my husband? Does he feel the same. But I ignored it. Our sex life was humdrum. He always initiated it, but had stopped recently. I didn’t feel sexual towards him but still loved him.
Then recently I discovered he was having another affair with another unhappily married woman!! This time in my shock I threw him out of our home. Again, this woman has made a pass at him and made him feel attractive and wanted. I know my husband and he is definitely not the type to make first move. It was me that made first move towards him when I met him over 20 years ago as he was shy and a lot younger than me. He is very attractive and a very socially polite man. My husband was in shock too at the whole mess, and he bombarded me with messages telling me he loved me but the lust between us had gone and he regrettably succumbed to another woman’s attention. He ended the brief affair with OW immediately.
We met up for deep soul searching because we still loved each other but I couldn’t see how we could bring the lust back. I told him I didn’t see us getting back together and wanted to live apart to sort my head out. He wouldn’t stop messaging me. We met up for a walk and a talk by one of our favourite lakes. The conversation turned to our sex life. We were very honest about it. We had never really spoke about what we both wanted sexually from each other. I longed for romance because it turned me on. The romantic walk in the countryside with him made me feel sexy for first time since we first met. He is a very attractive man. We opened up about our sexual life fantasies for the first time ever. We both found it a huge turn on. It was a eureka moment. We had never communicated about our needs and desires. We just did it. I was too shy to talk about mine and he was same. I just didn’t even think about sex anymore. Talking about it was key. We were gobsmacked and realised that this was what was missing between us. He was being open and honest with his needs. This turned me on and I was open and honest with him which did it for him too. For the first time since we met we were actually turning each other on with our minds. Another woman had turned him on by making him feel attractive and wanted. I didn’t make him feel like that. The affair mostly saucy messaging and the few times they did meet up for sex wasn’t actually that satisfying. He said the guilt stopped him from actually enjoying the deed. He admitted The messaging was more enjoyable, but was starting to fizzle out when I found out. But he enjoyed the sexual attention from her. I wasn’t giving him attention and he had given up on me with sex. We didn’t know how to turn each other on. It was inevitable he was tempted and succumbed to her advances. We are both back together and our sex life is now fantastic. We are more adventurous, he is very romantic towards me again after all these years and I’m responding to him and not rejecting him as he is actually turning me on and I’m turning him on. We always loved each other, but had fallen out lust all those years ago. We have both said we will continue to keep it saucy in the bedroom and he is keeping up the romance which is definitely doing it for me. I don’t hate him for being tempted as I understand why it happened and I now believe we will be fine if we work to keep romance and sex alive by verbally communicating our needs. He feels incredible guilt for the deceit of the last three months. He also feels relief it’s over as it was stressing him out. He is a completely different man. A much happier man, and I’m happier too.
There are lots of marriages out there in same situation but not all spouses succumb to temptation. But that does not mean they are completely happy in their marriages. Just plodding along. To be honest, this last affair did our marriage a world of good and right now, I’m concentrating on how happy we are in our marriage at the moment. I do have the odd moment when I imagine him with other woman, but it’s fleeting, and I won’t let it spoil what we now have together. It shook our content, but very unsatisfying sex life up for the better.
Please don’t let your anger and resentment stop you from reconnecting with your husband. Talk more about why he did it, and what it was that he got out of it. A lot of men can’t handle sexual rejection, but have no idea how to communicate their needs to their wives. Opening up and asking what turns you both on may help a lot.
Again, I’m sorry if I was blunt in my last post. If you can remember what it was that made you both happy before kids came along and try to recreate some of those moments. Marriages need a lot of work to keep them going. I became too complacent with mine and didn’t attend to the cracks that were appearing. I will be keeping a close eye on the maintenance needed our marriage in future.
It does sound like your husband loves you, but it also sounds like he is just as unhappy as you but with guilt and doesn’t know how to make it up to you. He can’t control your emotions. Only you can do that. I hope it doesn’t tear you both apart.
Try a different way of thinking. Also the other woman is most probably regretting ever having contact with your husband. I bet she’s not letting it affect her happiness. Don’t let the brief affair stop you from being happy again
Thank you for writing again with such an epic response. The other woman was a complete fucking whore. Married with two young children, she admitted trawling dating sites to find men to be with, as her husband no longer cared for her. Wretched woman! You have some lovely words of advice, thank you for sharing. SWxo
I have read this comment and your following comment many times now. They have brought me some peace. Last night, I slept through the night for the first time in weeks. Thank you so much for your wise words. You have made a difference to me. I’m sorry I snapped at your seemingly flippant first comment. Your words may make a difference in someone else’s situation, too. You have truly helped. SWxo
Shattered, hope you are feeling better. I experienced this ‘end of line’ moment just yesterday evening.
I discovered that stupid husband has had contact with his whore a short while back and also picked her call yesterday. This took me right back to the Dday and all the emotions associated with it. To say I flipped is an understatement.
Generally he has been taking a back seat, following my mood so as to decide whether to stay clear of me or be visible. he has been waiting it out doing nothing proactive expecting me to work-out the mess that he got us into. What a douche-bag!
So I ask him what boundaries he has been observing when it comes to her, he says he doesn’t have boundaries, that his is to pour himself into work instead and concentrate on it. Escapism. How the hell is that plan supposed to work out healing with me or us? Honestly I think he becomes more stupid by the day.
I did let him know I’m done putting in one-sided active effort for us as I’m already paying the price and serving sentence for a crime he selfishly committed. I’ve started working out ways to switch off my feelings (both positive and negative) regarding him. I just want to stop hurting.
Today I scouted around for a lawyer just in case. I’m not sure if I’ll go through with it, but there’s only so much pain I can take, right?
So SW and the rest of us betrayed, hang in there, wish us more clarity and wisdom to do the right thing by us.
The OW sounds like a very unhappy, woman with no morals.
I can understand your complete disgust and anger towards her. But, you have a husband who clearly loves you. He is accepting continual emotional punishment from you. His guilt is punishing him too. Your hurt and anger is punishing him. He made a massive mistake by responding to this woman. Imagine if this woman knew you were still unhappy, your husband was unhappy and she was still affecting your marriage? I bet she would get a good feeling from that. She’s probably still doing it to other men.
Don’t let her control your emotions and marriage anymore. You have a husband who is clearly regretting his huge mistake. If you can forgive him and try to remember the love you had before it happened, concentrate on bringing that back. Don’t feed your anger for her. Feed the love for your husband x
You’re welcome SW. I have the problem of some people knowing as I’d told a couple of friends. The thought of gossip bothers me sometimes. Then I just think they have no idea what me and my husband have now got together. I have to ignore that and concentrating on us. No one else. What other people think of me is none of my business. I hear that the OW and her husband are attempting to rebuild their marriage. We’re getting on with our plans for our future and I’m looking forwards not backwards. The only time I look back is to happier times before the A I miss out that time 🙂 x
Hello again SW. Thank you for responding, I hope sleep has found you somewhere on your side of the planet (I’m in Northern Ireland)
Your response was heartbreaking, you seem to have lost yourself somewhere in the maelstrom of ‘doing what’s best for everyone’. I commend you for wanting to give your kids an intact home and the benefit of growing up with their Dad around, the wish of any good mother. But, and I’m sure this has crossed your mind plenty, is having Dad around REALLY that necessary? I think we would all rather a broken home than let our kids see their mothers broken by their fathers. I worry often about the message I’m sending to my kids as well. Am I teaching my sons to mistreat women? Am I teaching my daughter that she should accept mistreatment, as I have? The damage of my husband’s thoughtless actions has seeped into every single part of my life.
Have you confronted your H yet on the Liking the video fuck-up? This couple’s retreat could be your much-needed Make-or-Break experience, and it might help to let H know this. He might be more likely to put his thinking cap on if he knows his future as your husband depends on him making serious breakthroughs at this retreat.
I think your lack of tangible support is really starting to wear on you too. I know how utterly humiliating it is to admit this shit to someone you know/love, someone who might never look at you or your H in the same way, but you know what? Too fucking bad! His shame is not yours to wear, so what if someone’s opinion of him drops, he bloody deserves it! And you really sound like you NEED someone to hug you and talk it through with you (we virtual friends can only help so much huh?)
The sad and scary truth is, if your H isn’t doing enough to make you feel safe and loved, if after all this time he is still blundering and just does not GET IT, I’m afraid you have to ask yourself “Will he ever get it?”.
I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy, and that’s the truth. We must have been evil bastards in our past lives eh?
Love and hugs xx
SW,
have you informed the husband of the OW? If I am not wrong, I had read somewhere that she is also married.
I know nothing of her, and know nothing of her husband. My husband has cut off all contact. I wish I had found out more information so I could somehow identify and contact the husband of the OW. But the cheaters spoke on a dating chat app that did not save data to the phone. I would have exposed her sorry ass any chance I got. SWxo
Face palm…I wish I can see you exposing that OW. Anyway, how is it between you and your H?
Utter shit, thank you for asking! We are not currently speaking or having sex. It’s a joyless existence. SW
SW – thank you for making me laugh. I mean that sincerely. My D-Day was December 2, 2013. The Fucking Crazy Whore my husband decided to have an emotional affair with was an old friend from High School that had contacted him two years before — purely to “catch up.” Bullshit. When I say crazy I mean it. I did some checking and her husband has some sort of arrest and is on a registry for sex offenders. She and her fucking sex offender husband actually stayed at our house January 2013. What is sickly ironic is our kids were sexually abused by an older cousin — part of the emotional crap that ended up making our marriage a lot of work. My husband stayed with them at their house in California for two nights in Nov 2013. It was a trip I only found out about after he had arranged it all in conjunction with a work trip. The Whore’s email to my husband after their stay in our house was all about how awful I was, you poor dear. Your wife was SO cold to me, I can image how hard it is for you. I bent over backwards to be nice to that Bitch and her Sex Offender husband. I did have a hinky feeling when they were here that I shouldn’t trust her but I trusted my stupid husband. I should have listened to my instinct. I’m guessing she picked up on my do not trust this Bitch vibe. I did not realize she was a complete Fucking Whore.
I found out on Monday, I confronted him on Tuesday. When I confronted him. He lied. And lied. And lied. As luck would have it, there was a three day relationship seminar that started that Friday. He agreed to go. We went. That Friday as we were having lunch I told him (again) he was having an affair. He said no he wasn’t. Guys just lie when they get caught like this. I told him I had seen all of the emails. He finally acknowledged it. The course was over on Sunday. Then we had a talk. He apologized for everything and told me “if it makes any difference — we never had sex.” I believe him based on all the emails I read. I told him end it with the Fucking Whore or we are done. He told her it was over. Boy did she go ballistic on him. That’s the Crazy Whore part. I read the back and forths. Very satisfying, but also kind of crazy. He had shared so much personal information with her — including our financial stuff I was worried. He was pretty firm and straightforward. It was over.
Here’s the kicker. The Fucking Whore has the same first name I have. Grrrrrr Even when I email him now, I can’t sign Love, without thinking of that Bitch. Seriously he had to pick someone with my same name. When we watch something on t.v. and the husband is a cheater I am really uncomfortable. I hate that he did this to me. I yoyo between loving him and wanting to move on and hating him and what he did. When my brother asks me how are things going with you two? I’m not sure how to answer. I just say, Oh we are doing OK. Are we? Will I ever be able to really put this behind me? I am not really sure. I was in a pissy mood today when I stumbled on your blog. I started reading it and it made me feel better. Especially the references to the Fucking Whore. I laughed out loud. Thank you. I feel validated. I am not the only woman with these feelings. I Hate that Bitch — and she has my same name. Fuck her.
I’m so sorry for your pain. I can feel it as I read your words.
I hope you find peace soon.
Been here, not just the affair but the humiliation and gradual fall from lack of respect to utter hatred. Look after number 1, and hold your head high.
Yea i dont get why we are the bitter hatred ones when we didnt do anything. Its awful going through this. I thought something was wrong with me for changing a lot. But now i see a lot of us have changed due to the hurt this betrayal has caused us.
I think that’s one of the worst parts, I’m so full of hate now. I never used to be like this, which only makes me hate him more. Right now I’m just trying to find a way to get past all the anger and hate. I don’t know how to do this, but I REALLY hope it is possible. I can’t let this destroy me, don’t let it destroy you and all the things you liked about yourself. No matter what happens with your relationship, at the end of the day you need to be able to look in the mirror and love yourself.
Our relationship is definitely a work in progress. Good days. Bad days. The hardest part is trying to get back the trust. Is it possible to get back the trust?
For us, a couple weeks ago they were all bad days. It can stay like that for a while. I dont know if thats how it is with anyone else on here. But i believe its more my fault because i can be MEAN to him for what he did. I couldnt orgasm for weeks because i have anger inside me. I love my husband but not like before. I dont know if it will ever be that way again. I do have good days where i dont think at all about the other woman but it hurts to this day. Its been 8 months.
Heres the thing, i was very young when i married and got pregnant. 16. He was 22. He has had much experience with girls but he was the only one for me. Now i hate that he cheated because i feel like its not fair. I havent been with anyone else but this man. And he has the balls to go screw someone else. I want to go screw someone else now. This has opened up my eyes in many ways. Weve had great sex but i take forever to orgasm. I wonder if it would be the same with someone else. I have all these thoughts now that i had before but now i think almost all the time of them.
Trust. Idk. At first i would try to see who called or text’d. But about 2 weeks after i said. Nooo. I dont have to look after him. Im not going going to do that because i was only going crazy thinking she could be saying this or that….i stopped. I dont think they deserve for us to do that to ourselves. This is hard. I never thought it would be so annoying and exhausting.
Hope we all feel better and move forward leaving this devastating hurt behind, if its possible.
Good luck Sarah, yes it is very exhausting. I am also mean to him, probably driving him crazy, probably wouldn’t if he showed some remorse . I just imagined that he would be really nice and extra thoughtful. He still sits there watching football ignoring me on a Saturday night, call me weird but I thought he would make a little bit more effort. So I ask him, can’t help myself, if he would watch football at the brothel? Stupid I know but he pisses me off . He probably dosen’t like me anymore , don’t blame him, I don’t much like me either. Best of luck healing quickly
Sarah, I really hope it is possible. I also can be so very mean to my husband… and then I feel bad… and then I’m the one apologizing. How does that happen? He turns my life upside down, makes me miserable, then I’m the one saying I’m sorry?? I guess that shouldn’t be shocking, clearly I’ve always respected his feelings more than he has mine.
Very well said.
It has been nearly 15 years since d-day for me and i can honestly say i hate him more now than ever. We have started marriage counseling and the therapist told me exactly what she thought of him. ” He’s and idiot and he doesn’t get it” she said. She also said he is gaslighting me which I had suspected for a couple of months now. She actually doesn’t want me to stay in this house with him one minute longer.
Good god!!! I can’t tell you how it feels for once to have someone see him for what he is. I am not crazy as he would try to have me believe. I feel as if i am coming out of a fog that I’ve been living in for years. He is a compulsive liar and i am just done!!
Ladies, if he doesn’t make an effort to at least be 100 percent honest, dump him. Do not end up like me. I am 44 years old and figuring out how to start a new life. I stayed for my children and i can honestly say it was the worst mistake i ever made. My mother stayed with my father.. a verbal and emotional abuser and i thought i had to stay too. That was a horrible example for me. Everyone’s situation is different and i understand that but damnit these motherfuckers do not deserve one more minute with us. It sickens me that I wasted my life with a selfish asshole. Please do not do this to yourselves. I wish you all the best that life has to offer… I know it sounds cliche but we only get one life why waste it with an asshole?!?!
Well said, Kate. And Sarah – I wrote this this morning and waited to mull it over before posting. After reading what Kate wrote, I have to second her advice. Here’s just some of my experience –
Hi Sarah – I’m not sure how old you are, I think you must be half a lifetime younger than me 🙂 You need to seriously weigh your options. I am 56 and this whole business has really shaken me up. I am angry because it has changed my perspective on trusting people. I have dealt with a lot of very stressful issues in the past 12 years. Sick mother, sick father, kids abused by older relative (18+ years ago) that are now adults. One has been very self destructive and the other seems to being doing fine. A woman who has a lot of control at my work is a crazy psychopath who delights in demeaning and debasing others and basically has a free hand to do as she pleases. It’s pretty bad. But I do need a job and my options are kind of limited. All those situations added up to a ton of stress that drove a wedge between me and my husband. We were both walking on eggshells all the time and avoiding most contact because everything seemed so painful. Unfortunately he decide to turn to a Fucking Whore via email that contacted him out of the blue in 2011. Ironically, my father also cheated on my Mom — until the end of her life. He probably couldn’t get it up if he wanted to — and yet he carried on a very long email affair with a Fucking Whore on the west coast — and carelessly left some emails lying about (which I am sure my Mom saw.) That Whore was one of three or four that I know about. The parallels between him and my husband are striking and disgusting. Mom’s last 7-8 years were very sad for her. They remained married, mostly because he didn’t want to divide the marital assets, but he was so nasty to her. His email buddy was a trashy whore that really only wanted the money (and he sent plenty of it) her way. He was such an asshole.
I wish I didn’t know what it’s like (thank you Fucking present day Whore also on the West Coast) but if I could go back in time, I’d be a lot more supportive of my Mom. I never really understood her pain, until now. She had a lot of unresolved anger. I don’t blame my mom for being angry, but that anger made her miserable for the last, best years of her life. Unfortunately she also took a lot of that anger out on me since she couldn’t really express it directly to her Fucking asshole husband. She was a sad, tragic figure.
I don’t want to be that sad, tragic figure. I want to be happy. Sarah, you DESERVE to be happy too. Anger doesn’t really fix anything. I keep hearing about how “healing” the act of forgiveness is. I don’t understand how you can forgive some actions, but I guess it comes down to forgiving yourself and being happy. I am working on trying to figure out this whole forgiveness business. Does anyone out there have any tips they can share?
If I stay angry, I end up losing more years of my life and I just don’t have that many good years left to lose.
So if you can’t find a way around the anger, do yourself a favor and your child (or children a favor) and figure out a way to move on. You have got way too many good years ahead of you to be saddled with this burden for the rest of them. The Fucking Whore isn’t worth it. Your anger will come out towards your kids. My mom did it to me. I know I’ve done it to my kids. They don’t deserve that.
I am 17 months past D-Day. My husband is now offering complete transparency and openness and is making a really good effort to repair things but it’s still hard some days. It generally seems pretty good and we have lots of memories invested in over 30 years of life together (and yeah unfortunately those memories include one major Fucking Whore) — I truly hope we will come out OK once and for all. But it sure isn’t easy.
And Kate – I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. At least the therapist is in your corner. The one we went to was worse than useless. I was the emotional wreck. Husband was Mr. Nice Guy. She kept implying everything was my fault. I knew nothing about the Fucking Whore at that time. Not sure how I survived that additional trauma. If he is gaslighting you now, are you sure he isn’t cheating on you with someone else? That was one of the major symptoms of what my husband did during all this — especially once it got kind of intense with the emailing the Fucking Whore. It seemed he needed to find a way to covertly make me super angry so I would just leave or kick him out and make the decision for him. I am sure he wanted me to violently reject him so that would validate his whole sordid “relationship” with the Bitch. That way he could be the poor suffering clueless guy — What did I do? Why is she so angry with me. Oh poor me. He would be able to save face in front of our kids that way too. It was exactly like that. And yeah, that term gaslighting — that’s exactly the term I used for his behavior. Hindsight sure is 20-20.
I am sending good thoughts your way.
Hope your doing ok SW, thinking of you X
My 2nd post to this forum u husband is still texting the other woman I have had tears, screams you name it I want to hate him I really do why are men like this? I know who she is its his best friends wife and my so called friend too, they both say it’s just flirting but I know different she in my eyes is a hoar – we are part of such a large social group I know I would be the one to end up outcast as she is so popular and I will be the one who ends up with no one
Does the best friend (the husband) know? What are his thoughts, I wonder… what a stupid whore she is! SWxo
Shatteredwife, I just discovered your blog (my dday was 2 days ago) it helps knowing that I’m not alone, that the way I feel and the thoughts running through my head are normal. The betrayal is palpable, I can feel it sucking the life out of me, but it’s the loss of everything I thought was real that I’m having the hardest time with. I don’t believe anything he says anymore, everything he says and does is a trigger. He destroyed one of the happiest days of this marriage with his cheating and lies and I will never be able to get that moment back, it was so important to me and now it’s gone forever, sullied, turned into something evil and disgusting. I hate him and I hate myself for still being here.
Thanks you for writing this blog, it helps.
Hey. Im sorry you too must be in this horrible state. Its only been a couple days and emotions are very high. There is nothing more painful than going through this. Your not alone, we are all here to help eachother out. We all have questions that will probably never get answered, but the pain is never ending. Thoughts are constantly popping up in our minds, trust is lost, and our marriage life will never be the same. We can forgive ( i havent been able to) but never ever forget something this traumatic. Im not trying to scare you. This is the truth. Its our life though that wants to feel free but almost seems impossible. My mom suffered so much when she was a young mom. She is the strongest woman i know. She went through rape many times, and being cheated on by my father many times too. She is the happiest person ive seen. I try to think of things like this or worse things that a person can be going through but it doesnt help much. Only for a while then im haunted again by horrible memories. We will get through this. you know what pisses me off! That im all torn up inside while the hores husband has no clue she and my husband fucked. . . shes all like nothing while i avoid her and her husband tries to talk to us. Its painful how she can not give a fuck about his feelings. Nor mine.
I’m so sorry you find yourself here amongst us. It really is a life-sucking hell ride. I hate what my husband did to our marriage. Selfish bastard. If my blog helps you, I’m glad. It helps me to get it out of my system and onto the page. SWxo
End of the line, my husband and I were arguing – once again – about his prostitute visiting. He said ‘ oh well, you have to pay for quality!’ Omg I now hate him so much! A quality whore! Is he serious! What an oxymoron !!! Remorse? I think not! I told my therapist , he has given me homework, he said ‘try to imagine a life without him, would it be worse ?
How can you ever heal when they keep on rubbing salt in the wound!
Amanda, you KNOW you shouldn’t be with that man. He treats you like complete shit yet you cannot let go. What will take before you leave his mean ass? He is not sorry, and so completely stupid that he believes that whore would fuck him for free!! I don’t say this often to anyone but YOU NEED TO MOVE ON. HE IS NO GOOD FOR YOU. HE IS SLOWLY KILLING YOUR SOUL. YOU DESERVE BETTER. SWxo
Thanks SW I know all this but for some reason I am stuck! I am seeing a therapist and listen to what he tells me. I know I am bashing my head against a brick wall. I am so sad every single day. I know things won’t change unless I change them but I continue to stay????
The pain of realizing you mean nothing to somebody you thought you meant the world to us unbearable. The therapist has given me homework and thus is imagining
Thanks SW , I know, I know all this but I still am unable to make that decision. I am praying therapy will help me move on. Obviously I have zero self esteem. I hate myself for being so weak. Hopefully I wake up soon. I know this is killing me. I am never happy, I do not leave the house , only to go to work. I feel like I am in a big black hole with no way out. Doctors and therapists seem to be extremely worried about suicide. Although I don’t want to be here that is not an option. I am grieving the death of my marriage and obviously don’t know how to move on. I keep doing the ‘pick me’ dance and seem happy to wait for the crumb the cake eater thows me. I keep waiting for ‘meh’ – info from another site. Yep I hate myself for still being here – every single day
Thanks SW , I hear what you are saying and agree with every word . X
Amanda, so sorry to hear what that POS husband is still putting you through. That’s total insensitivity. I hope that after you envision a life without him, you’ll be in a better position to really gauge his value/ no value in your life. With or without him, you really do deserve better. Life’s too short to spend it with/waste it on someone who only causes you pain. Sending you strength
Thank you ,I sure need it x
I read a quote the other day that sums up what I believe to be most of our lives currently, “nothing changes………..when nothing changes”. Yes that just about sums it up.
SW –
I have been thinking of you and hope you’re doing as well as can be expected in this situation. Sending prayers your way!
It’s been almost 2 years since I found out about the affair and we were actually doing vaguely okay until last November when he was in town for a work dinner and his iPad that he had left at home pinged. It showed him texting her. It seems he bumped into her at the office and even though we had planned what he should do if that happened he chatted with her. Then after his dinner he tried to persuade her to let him come over…she wasn’t interested. He claims he knew she wouldn’t let him and that he didn’t want her anyway. He tried to explain it as being just like how a dog chases a car, but if it actually did catch the car it wouldn’t know what to do with it. I call fucking bullshit. We’ve been together for 23 years, married for 16 and have 3 kids. You know what, I really thought i could get over the actual affair, but i just can’t get past this thing in november even though nothing happened. I think because even after all his promises, all his acknowledgements of how much he hurt me, all of the pain we went through over the last two years….all seems like bullshit. It did show me that it doesn’t matter what i do…I have no control over anything he does. I was a fucking awesome wife the last year…lots of sex, lots of loving, lots of conversations and listening etc. ….. Goddamn i’m pissed. He had it all…the loving wife, the great kids, the big house, the great job…and he fucked it all up – twice! although i really think he doesn’t see the november thing as a big deal….he seems to genuinely think nothing was going to happen..fucking idiot.
I’m trying again to keep it together with him, but i’m just so pissed off. I’m having a girls’ weekend away, leaving next friday, and he says he is going to town again for some guy’s celebration. He’s known the guy 10 years and wants to be there for his big job promotion celebration. I told him i don’t want him to go. This is what happened last time – dinner and drinks in town until late….and then he texts her (she lives up there). He insists he won’t have anything to do with her and it is incredibly unlikely anyway that he would bump into her again, but surely he can understand why i don’t want him to go. But he’s fucking going….. I wonder if i’m just trying to punish him rather than really worrying about him doing something. Fuck it. He shouldn’t get to go.
I am grateful for finding this blog. So many things you say resonate with my situation. Are men really this fucking stupid?
No-one wants to be made a fool of twice. That is just SO disappointing. Why on earth would he take a risk texting her? So fucking stupid. What now for you? SWxo
PS I wouldn’t let him go, either. I would outright forbid it. Good luck. SWxo
Ps I agree with SW , don’t let him go!
MJS no wonder you are so upset, why would he betray your trust again . What would have happened if she said come over? He is an arsehole and dose not deserve you. Omg you must be in so much pain. You will never be able to trust him. Shame you have feelings for him . How can he think he did not do anything wrong, I am so sorry for your pain. Take care x
Hi everyone,
I started reading this site on Saturday. My D-Day was on Friday…our 16th anniversary. I am disabled in a wheelchair so we just live off of his income. My check each month pays for my doctor and other misc. things. I have been in this chair for more than two years now. For better or worse, sickness and in health. I remember saying those things, and he saying them back. When I asked, he would reassure me that he would NEVER leave me. He would stay and take care of me till my dying day. No nursing home ever.
So Friday he called me and asked if I needed anything from the store. I gave a list and he hung up. He called me right back. I answered the phone like “What now?”. All I heard was him talking. Talking about heading out west to Arizona in an RV and watching the sunrise while he makes breakfast for her. She reponds “that sounds nice”. They go on and on. Him telling her she deserves to be taken somewhere nice instead of the crappy restaurants he has been taking her to and where does she want to go? I realized who she was..a friend of ours.
After listening for about 20 minutes, I hung up, called him back and told him to go ahead and take her out for our anniversary. I told him not to come home. He showed up 20 minutes later saying nothing happened, they were just talking, etc. I told him I heard the whole conversation. He then admitted some things but never to sleeping with her. I told him anytime he shares his hopes, dreams and desires with someone else and actually dates them I consider it cheating. He agreed.
So now we are at a stalemate. He doesn’t want to leave..wants to work it out. I cant stand to look at him but I have to depend on him to get me food and drink, help me with baths, etc. I truly am stuck. I cant get over the fact he betrayed my trust. I was married before to a cheater and I will tell you now, I never would have caught this man if he didn’t accidently pocket dial me.
How do I get over the not trusting him? My life pretty much depends on him. Should I just say “bump” it and head to the assisted living place? I left my first husband over cheating, why should he get another chance?
Its so nice to know I am not alone, even though I feel it. I am tremoring and crying as I type this. Thanks for your uplifting and supportive comments. And thanks SW for sharing your story.
Hello Angelis, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with a cheating husband for the SECOND time – once is enough for anybody. And for it to be FRIEND of yours?? That’s just a real kicker. Of course you have the added complication on depending on him for your survival. I cannot even imagine how lonely you must feel. We’re always told we have a choice to go or stay, but when you NEED that person to look after you physically, it becomes a different equation. Have you confronted the whore? Is she married? What further explanation has your husband provides. It’s just unthinkable he would take advantage of you like that. I’m so sorry for your pain. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Thank you for your kind reply.
I do feel lonely. I sit in the house all day by myself staring at the walls and of course the only thing running through my mind is “wonder where he is now?”.
I did confront her. Posted it all over Facebook what a whore she was and how she was NOT welcome in my home ever again. She deleted it after a day (I was shocked it stayed on her page that long) and sent me a message saying that it wasn’t her fault he felt the way he did about her. She of course denied anything going on other than him trying to pursue her, but after I told her I heard the conversation through the phone she quit talking to me..probably for the best. She hasn’t deleted me from her friends list. I guess she is trying to see what my next move is going to be. I did tell everyone. I probably shouldn’t have, but he shouldn’t have cheated on me. He tried to tell me to quit posting shit on Facebook and I came back with “If you quit cheating on me, I will quit posting youre a cheater”. Not very mature for a 46 year old woman, but hey, I am doing the best I can not to kill him so letting my friends know he is a shithead should be the least of his worries. Right?
As far as my husband, he swears he wants to work it out. Says we both just became not interested in our relationship and I never showed him any affection so when she started flirting with him, he responded. He told me that it had been a long time since he had a woman treat him like he was important and she was a pretty girl. That hurt my feelings because I thank him for everything he does for me, every time. I may not have the sex drive I used to – being in a wheelchair does nothing for your confidence or making you feel sexy – but I have always told him I am so grateful and lucky to have him.
He says he wants to work on our relationship, but since the day after D-day he hasn’t said a word other than to inform me that he has talked to her again but only to tell her it was over. If nothing happened why would he need to tell her its over? I have been on the internet every day looking up articles and finding sites like yours that deal with this. Sunday night I looked over at him sitting in the chair watching TV and I said “you are the one who cheated. Why am I the one looking up how to fix this?” He says he cant say anything to me because I am just too mad right now. We never had really big fights our entire time together, and I would always let things go after I got over being mad. I always learned to pick my battles and he never gave me a reason to stay mad. But now I just don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. And that is the worst feeling ever.
Prior to D-day if you had told me he would do this I would have laughed in your face. I trusted him more than anyone in the world. I am horrified this happened, but (as sad as this sounds) I am glad I am not alone in my feelings. Thank you for letting me join your group and follow you on your journey. I hope there is a happy ending for us all.
It’s our 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow but I don’t even want to acknowledge it, I don’t care at all about our marriage anymore, it really doesn’t mean much to me…. Just reminds me of what we had and now what we don’t. Things have improved but honestly it will never ever be the same, once they cheat you become a new person never to go back to that happiness. I am here for my three kids and their happiness, he is giving it everything he has but I am am just ho hum… I just don’t know… Has anyone ever really gotten over this hell of a cheating husband?? Does the trust come back, I don’t think so…
Jennie, you sound exactly like me. I threw our 16 year anniversary into the bin and said I never wanted to celebrate another ever again. Things never do become the same because you’ve had your eyes opened. I, too, have three kids (aged 6 and under), and husband is doing everything right. But do you ever really get over it? I don’t believe you do. It’s a joyless existence. SWxo
Oh Jennie & SW, I too feel exactly like this! Im 7months in from finding out now and I’m still no further forward. No affection whatsoever between us, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I feel so different about everything since DDay. Such a confusing existence now, my OH wants us to go for therapy but I’m so cynical and not even sure if I want this to work. All I’m bothered about are my boys. Urghhh what a life. He has ruined everything! X
Please listen: 7 months from D-Day is still very early. I know it feels like it will ALWAYS feel like this, but the shock does settle with time. You won’t always feel on edge. Affection wanes with the tides. NONE of us know what we’re doing.
You have two choices: You can go or you can stay. You don’t need to make a decision today or tomorrow or next week. Sit on the fence for as long as you need to. But if you decide to stay, make the decision to PROGRESS. If you haven’t already watched the Esther Perel infidelity TED talk, Google it and watch it. It’s worth the 20 mins of your time. SWxo
SW, I just wanted to thank you for posting the info for Esther Perel. I watched it and found it so interesting, esp her feelings on infidelity after a death, etc. I was fine until the end when she said” your marriage is over,would you like to begin a new one?” After all those years together and 3 young kids, how the hell do you separate the two? Obviously even one year later the trauma still gets me. I try every day to be thankful for now, not bitter over the past. Easier said than done. To the new ladies here, please hang in there, it does get better, but I feel it also changes us. Thinking of you all xx
Hello Brokenpieces, this TED talk is doing the rounds on affair blogs at the moment, so I was happy to send it along. Yes, the abrupt ending had me thinking as well. We all know our marriages essentially died on D-Day. The question is, how do you resurrect that marriage? You can’t. You basically have to begin a new one together. So many things to think about. Glad you took something away from it. I’ve already sent it to my husband to watch so we can discuss together. SWxo
Thank you so much SW, I will watch this now whilst he is out with the kids. I hate my life right now but on a positive note I have decided to book in with a hypnotherapist for some help firstly with my comfort eating which is out of control at the moment and I will also tell him about what is going on in my life right now and see if he can help in some way. How r u doing at the moment? Xx
I hear you on the comfort eating front…I have to keep doing the Whole30.com just to restore balance after massive binges. It’s exhausting. I’m doing OK. I have a couple of blog posts in the works, will get one up soon. Thanking for checking on me. SWxo
End of the line , I think I have always been in a domestic violent relationship , I used to think I was lucky cause he just pushed me around when he was drunk, very apologetic the next day, I remember I used to think at least he dose not cheat on me! Lucky me!
In the last 13 months I discovered he dose indeed cheat on me. He has paid $175 most weeks to fuck an asian whore for the last 15 months, all this time he did not speak to me and we lived under the same roif as man and wife, I slept on the couch and he slept in the spare room. I never went to our marriage bed on my own as the loneliness was too palatable . I cried myself to sleep for 15 months wondering why my husband was not coming to me making it up, as usual . I waited and waited. One night I could not find my charger , I went into his room to borrow his charger, never checked his phone , ever , however there was a message from him to linda saying ‘hi baby I miss you when you get back can I take you out for dinner?’
This message was to a whore in a brothel! I woke him up and asked who linda was ? He said she is a supermodel and you are a piece of shit. Needless to say I couldn’t go to work the next day, he did go to work. I cried and cried all day , he came home said I must not worry it was a whore that he visited once and felt so sick he nearly threw up!?!? How come he missed her?
Checking bank statement he had infact been fucking this whore weekly!!! 13 months on, I have cried everyday , seen doctors, therapists, lost 20 kilos , gained 20 kilos. Isolated myself. My life is shit! I often wish myself dead, he then promised me the world , was going to be the best husband ever! None of these promises have been delivered and I am lost in my lonely world feeling like the biggest fool, each day I get reminded I am old and ugly and the whore is quality! He drinks and is aggressive and cruel, I hate him, I love him! I have completely lost myself . The only time I leave the house is to go to work, this is a nightmare which I. Can no longer bear, I hate myself for not walking! I feel like a nothing
More suck us I like it when he says’you know I don’t mean it, you know I llove you! ! I wish this was over. Constant pain for 13 months, no it does not get easier 😦
Just watched…………I like her!!! Thank you for recommending. Xx
She speaks the truth. SWxo
It’s been 20 days since my dday and the hurt and anger have subsided a little. For me the best way to deal with a betrayal like this is to do everything I can to understand why it happened. I don’t believe H is a bad guy but he is weak, selfish and immature. The truth started to trickle out over the first week (I hate trickle truth) he agreed to install Dr. Fone so I could see everything he had deleted off his phone and that’s how I found out about the other things he’s been up to for the last 3 years! That night I was hit with so much new information I think I was too numb and stunned to get angry. It made me realize the problem was much much bigger than I had originally thought. I’ve found out a couple more things since (pales in comparison to the big lies) and we’ve been talking a lot, I’ve been researching a lot, we’ve been to 2 therapists (both horrible). At this point we have agreed to concentrate on doing everything we can to make the marriage work and will revisit how we feel about things in one month. I’m still angry but trying not to focus on those feelings, I know my actions in the past contributed but I take no blame for the choice he made to cheat, that ones all on him. I still check his phone, phone records, emails, fb account, all his free time is accounted for (he has no wiggle room at this point) and he has agreed to take a polygraph test if I choose to go that route. He answers all my questions daily and has even started volunteering info. Strangely enough our sex life has improved and I think we both feel closer but my guard is still up and will be for a long time.
My advice as a newbie to this horrible group no one wants to belong to is we have every right to be angry but sometimes it’s counter productive to let our anger take charge. When I scream and yell at H his reaction is to shut down, for him it reaffirms that things are hopeless. When I approach him calmy he is more willing to open up and discuss the problems we have. If your spouse shows any remorse or attempt to make things “right” don’t fight it build on it and see where it leads, acknowledging when H does something right makes him want to try more (at least in my case). We took the Myers-Briggs personality test and it helped us to understand a little more how we deal with things and how to approach each other better. If you think therapy might help by all means go but make sure the therapist you pick understands your goals and wants to help you achieve them, one of the dingbats we went to actually told H he should seperate from me and feel free to continue cheating until he figured out what he wanted to do with our marriage!
My parents fought all the time when I was growing up and it was miserable for me to live with that so if you are staying together for your kids just remember no matter how hard you try to hide your hurt and anger they will know even if they are too young to understand it they will know and it will affect them.
Some men just aren’t worth our hearts, but if you think yours is and he is willing to put in the effort concentrating on your anger won’t get you anywhere. It’s a small existence to focus on the few goods things happening in your life and between you and your spouse but it’s a start and we all have to start somewhere. Whether you end up together or divorced give it your all, at least you can be proud of yourself no matter what the outcome.
I’m not meaning to lecture this is what is working for me at the moment and if it can help anyone else that’s good. I hate that we all have to go through this crap but at least we can be there for each other.
Hello Tooangryforwords, I’m sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us. I know you think the pain and anger have subsided since D-Day, but after just 20 days, things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. You need to remember in those “worse” times what you have said here today. Everything makes complete sense but as you move along this journey, you’ll find things make less and less sense. Google the Esther Perel infidelity TED talk. It’s worth 22 minutes of your time. PS How long did the affair go on for? SWxo
Hello I am one of you. I have known about my husbands affair (probably multiple affairs) for more than a year. I have confronted him – he lied and lied and swayed me from the full truth but left me with so much doubt that I made a pact with myself to learn the full truth before confronting him again. He is remarkably careful but I now know that he has carried on for maybe 15 years with one woman – and has most likely had intermittent sexual encounters with others. I know that he meets his long term lover almost every week – he carefully blends his visits with her with chores and errands with me – it’s remarkable really – he lies to her as he lies to me. I know this because I have recorded them. I am kind of ashamed to admit that but I was driven to that this very skillful lies and I needed to know the truth. Anyway, I now know. But I have not confronted him yet. I just don’t know how. I also know that the minute I tell him nothing will ever be the same. It’s not already for me – but I can pretend. I know that I need to confront him soon – but no time ever seems right. And I am afraid that I have become addicted to the secrecy in a way. It’s my revenge to know and to be strong enough to not on. But it is eating away at me at the same time. This sux.
How awful. How old are you and how long have you been married? What do you know about the whore? SWxo
I am in my mid 50s. Married 24 years. I think you wrote that they will never be the same person to you again – it’s probably one of the most painful parts. The man that I trusted and held in such esteem is gone forever. The more I hold this in and allow him to continue lying to me the more any respect I had for him slips away. I cannot fathom why this whore as you put it (that made me smile a little, thank you) puts up with this ongoing relationship of snippets of time that he borrows from his days. I keep thinking how pathetic she must be to accept this – to carry on for years with a married man whom she must realize by now is never going to willingly leave his family. I hear him lying to her about his time with me – can she be such a fool? I trusted him because we were man and wife – it’s part of the deal – what is her excuse?
Anyway, I watch and listen and try to understand – I honestly don’t know if he is still sleeping with this woman or if their relationship has morphed into an overly intimate and cozy friendship. I do know they go grocery shopping, they watch movies, they go to estate sales (after he goes with me). He has no idea I know these things. I feel like I will never ever fully trust anyone again because this betrayal goes so deep.
What a bunch of whinging bimbos – no wonder your men cheated on you- it’s a wonder they married yiu in the first place maybe if yiu saw that there is always two sides to a story you wouldn’t be here. You leave a man because he has Sex with someone else – what did you do? Did yiu give great Sex? Did you show interest in him? Did you treat him just as a breadwinner or as a lover? Do you look the same (allowing for graceful aging) as you did when you met or have you gained a hundred pounds? respect comes in lots of ways – your man might have disrespect you by cheating but how many ways did you disrespect him?
Hi. I found your blog obviously because I am in your shoes and am still searching for solace–some sign that I’m doing the right thing. Thank you for taking the time and energy to share your pain–I wish I was so brave. It is very useful for those of us in this situation to have some relatable people, even if its just online. I’ve just poured over your entries.
My D Day was November 8, 2014. My husband’s affair too was an emotional/email one, not physical, though the clock was ticking on that given that he had bought her a plane ticket for a rendezvous in a month’s time. He is 40, she is 21 and a former student of his. It is bad all around. YES, she sought him out first, sent alluring emails to her former professor, and then YES, he escalated that shit right quick. YES, we were having problems, for which I had been trying to get him into counseling (a prospect that sent him reeling and accusing me of trying to control him, suggesting it was only I who needed help–ha!), NO that does not justify his actions, which speak more about him than us. NO the affair doesn’t make him the most terrible evil human being nor does it erase all the wonderful things he’s been and done, but it does make him unlikable. YES we went to counseling and YES it helped, a little. YES he has apologized again and again and has done lots and lots to make it better. NO it is not all better. YES we will stay together–we have a child and he is working hard to repair the damage he did. NO I will never get over it nor will I trust him again. I think, really, what I’ve realized is that I am just learning to not care that much, which is sad, but at least it’s honest. Sure I love him, but I’m not sure I will ever be “in love” with him again after what he did. Actually, he redefined love for me, which I believe has made me a more resilient and realistic person, but not one who will ever again be caught unawares. But at least I put myself first a lot more now. YES, it is a possibility that in the future I will have an affair, but not as revenge, I think largely because I don’t really consider myself completely married to him anymore and certainly someone else might capture my interest. I’m not angry anymore, just disappointed and not overly attached. I’m also confused–why couldn’t he just watch porn and flirt a little at the bars like everyone else? Buy a sports car or something?? Why’d he have to take it to the next level?? NO I do not think we’ll grow old together. I suspect after our daughter leaves the nest, at some point we will part ways, and it will be my choice, not his, because I doubt I can ever be in love with him again. How can it be the case when respect and trust is so diminished? I dunno, maybe in the next decade he earns it back–I suspect it will take that long, but I don’t think he’s up to the challenge or has the stamina. It is, in fact, his weakness and self centered nature that got us to this point. I’m cynical enough to think that that train’s never late.
Well, that was a ramble! Just wanted to give some background for the comment I’m about to make that may be unpopular. I don’t think your husband is stupid nor do I think he doesn’t “get it,” I think he is compelled to communicate with this women (women as it were) online and otherwise. His back and forth with this young woman is not a product of his “supportive nature” or friendliness, it is his desire to connect with her on an intimate level, much like he did before. It’s not like he didn’t learn his lesson, it just sounds like he can’t NOT. I suspect his issues go very deep. And they are his issues to confront, not yours. You are sadly just the collateral damage of his problems. And I commend you for protecting your children from becoming additional collateral damage.
I understand your need to contact this young girl, I too had the same urge and wrote many many emails to my husband’s affair partner–hell I even drafted one to her father, a local military man, then deleted them…because SHE is not my problem, she is a young misguided girl who knows not of what she does, she is a manifestation of HIS problem. And unless he seeks true deep change for himself, because being a better man and saving his family matters to him more than anything else, there will be a string of SHEs that come into your orbit in one form or another.
In no universe is his communication with another woman at this time appropriate, in any format, and I am certain he knows that. If he’s in a band with other woman who may be of interest, he should take a hiatus, if for nothing else to show you how serious he is about recovery. I am not as stalwart as you. If my husband did this “little” thing that your husband just did after the affair, I would have him move out, at least temporarily, until I could figure out my next move. Have him sleep on a couch somewhere for a couple months, tell the kids he’s working late and stuff. Make his re-entry into the home dependent on his participation in intensive therapy by himself, or something like that. Anyways, good luck to you and us all, we all need it.
Hello KC, phew, that’s a mega comment! Always lovely to hear from someone who has found solace in my words, but not nice to realise this means another spouse betrayed 😦 Everything you’ve said about your husband and your feelings for him ring true for me on so many levels. How do we ever love our spouses the same again, and how can you even call it love?! This really is a horribly complicated and awful path to have to navigate. I am happy to hear from you any time. There are beautiful supportive people on here who always have wise words and a supportive shoulder for the newly inducted. I wish we could have met under prettier circumstances. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
I know right?! I like to comment all the comments at once. ; ) I understand that you’re not in a financial position to leave him, yet, but you can be. After being a SAHM for some years and dabbling with work, I decided to go to law school to better my education. And he is going to pay for it, all. Largely cause I want to but also because I want the option to bail down the road and keep a nice quality of life. It’s a gift for my daughter too, she financially will benefit and also gets to see her mom do something new and challenging mid-life, a good lesson I think (so I tell myself). I mean, maybe your husband comes around 110% eventually and rights his wrongs, but that you cannot control. However, your professional worth and financial stature is within your control.
I don’t understand people who’s relationships are “stronger than ever” after the trauma of divorce, and I kinda think they’re lying to themselves or are heavily religious where leaving is not an option. I’m also not a “things happen for a reason”person. Having undergone both intense betrayal (ibid) and grief (sister died when I was 20), it’s a pretty darn close race as to which hurts more in the short term. They are both profound losses.
I guess my point is (after more rambling) that there is a lot you get to control in your current situation that will better YOU and by proxy your babies, regardless of the outcome of your marriage. Maybe the end of the line with this guy is the starting line for personal achievement. You’re clearly a gifted writer…a great starting point. : ) cheers to you
LOL, lucky then that I make my money from writing ; )
You are spot on the money – we can’t control them or the shitty situation they put us in.
We can, however, make the choice to improve ourselves; that is definitely within our control. I’m looking to further my study with a course on digital content management. It’s a hot skill!
Thank you once again for your wise words. SWxo
And, final note, I would encourage you to open up to your sister about this, or another close friend, preferably one who is supportive. The time for hiding his secrets is over–he relinquished that marital privilege ages ago. There is no shame in what you’re doing by staying right now, trying to do right by your kids is admirable. Seeking comfort in loved ones is the most human thing, to not do so goes against nature. And also I believe that his being accountable to more people than you is valuable. It takes a village to keep a family strong. Telling my sister was the best choice I made. She’s a great sounding board and also the fact that she knew was a real “a ha” moment for my husband, a true realization that he no longer could count on my silence to protect his reputation, that I was unapologetically dis interested in protecting him really shocked him and brought about a shit ton of self pity that eventually turned to shame wherein he had a major break through, and things got better. Take care girl
I told my sister last week. It was a terrifying moment for me. I honestly thought she was going to pass out. She never for a second believed he was capable of such a thing. I haven’t told him (that I told her)… SWxo