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affair, affair infidelity trauma husband wife betrayal diet, asshole, betrayal, betrayed spouse, cheater, cheating, D-Day, emotional affair, fuck, infidelity, liar, my husband cheated on me, triggers
I really should stop watching fucking game shows.
Last night on Family Feud, they asked this question: “Name a place where you would go to secretly meet someone.”
After a week of getting along OK with my cheating husband, it was like someone switched on a massive affair reminder in my head.
WARNING, WARNING! YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED ON YOU! YOU MARRIED A CHEATER! WARNING!
I know I’m probably reading too much into a simple game show question. It’s been a long week with the kids coming up to the start of school holidays, attending a heart-breaking funeral for a local mother and baby killed in an explosion, and applying for a coveted job.
I’m feeling the stress.
I thought my brain was going to explode when one of the contestants answered “cafe”. That was where my fuckwit husband would meet his whore. Which makes me begin wondering how quickly that would have escalated to “hotel room”.
Ugh.
I thought I was past this shit.
In case you’re wondering, this was how 100 Australians answered the question “name a place where you would go to secretly meet someone”:
1. Park
2, Hotel/motel
3. Alley/laneway
4. Cinema
5. Carpark
6. Cafe
7. Pub
8. Lookout
Fucking game shows.
Fucking triggers.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
I totally understand the triggers. And they are EVERYWHERE. Apparently infidelity is hilarious to people who haven’t experienced it.
The good news is that the effect of the triggers pass in time. I don’t laugh at the dumb jokes any more, but I don’t feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach any more.
Yes, apparently infidelity IS hilarious to those who haven’t experienced it! Too funny 🙂 xo
I am almost 5 months post D-Day, and I get triggered by the most bizarre events. I feel like I’m going crazy. I look at him and say, “Why am I here?” You fucking raped my soul, threw me away like yesterday’s trash, shared my secrets with your whore…and since I’m a Christian, I’m supposed to turn the other cheek?!! Instead of getting better, I’m getting worse. He works with her every fucking day and will continue to do so until he retires in five years. It was a short physical affair — three rendezvous but months of calling and texting. I fucking hate his guts. I am a professional woman with a high profile career and I feel like the most worthless piece of shit on the planet. Thanks to him. Now he loves me more than ever and realizes what he almost lost. Seriously?!!!!!!!!!! Fucked his whore while I slept in the hospital with my critically sick mother and again when I had to go out of town for a conference while my mother was still in the hospital. I CALLED HIM THAT AFTERNOON and it went to fucking voice mail because he was OCCU-FUCKING-PIED fucking that fat, ugly, ignorant bitch. But we’re raising our five-year old granddaughter whose parents are fuck ups, so I’m stuck.
You are an amazing woman to be raising your granddaughter. Your husband behaved selfishly, like a little kid who just took what he wanted. How old is the whore? Is she married? Trust me, we all ask ourselves why we are still here. If we didn’t have young children to consider, I would have likely walked. It’s amazing how they’re the ones that acted like pricks, yet we’re the ones that feel worthless. Five months after D-Day is still a tsunami of emotions. Hang in there, if being with him is what you want. I wish you strength. SW xo
Just what cheater pants said the other night in a social setting where the “latest” cheating scandal for the locals was being discussed. “Mmmm, its always funny when it’s someone else.” That shut them up pretty damn quickly!
I know exactly how you feel, unfortunately those triggers never stop. I feel the same, I was sitting down the beach on my own and this guy stopped to talk to me, I was feeling a little sad sitting in the sun thinking, re-hashing , over and over, anyway he starts chatting about how he spent time in Hong Kong and he teaches mandarin and chinese, my husbands whore was chinese, this trigger set me right back, once again. They never stop…
Take care xk
Hi my first time responding …. Triggers are always going to be there for us unfortunately but I believe the sooner we devalue them the quicker we recover ….
The triggers will always be there but what changes (at least for me) is your ability to shake them off and move on with your day. There are still a few that feel like I was walking along and somebody reached out and slapped my face. Instead of letting your mind yell “roll tape!” and replaying the affair, try repeating some strong phrases to yourself. She is a whore. Meaningless.
UGH I soo feel this way! I feel like a nobody! Useless!! I am so lonely as I will not let the cheater near me! My heart breaks becos the triggers are everywhere it seems! I cant seem to catch my breath here! I have no idea how you guys do it!!
I don’t know how or why we do it, it hurts so much ! Maybe time heals, I don’t think there will ever come a day when this dose not hurt. I would love to hear from someone who has totally healed, maybe there is some hope?…
Oh misty I feel for you so much, interesting you say that ‘you won’t let that cheater near you’ I clung to mine for dear life, still do. Quite pathetic actually, it feels like sleeping with the enemy, strange so out of control clingy I have become, hate myself!
Amanda I cant even speak nice to him! I say things like “did she cum good for you” and then hang up! He is going to counsoling and I am as well but I truly truly feel a deep feeling a hatred for him after 13 years he can up and do this! I am devastated!
Misty i think you are so strong not having anything to do with him, you must be hurting like hell, but you have your pride and dignity, I have compromised mine and have made myself feel worse, I cling to him, scared to let him out of my site, then I wonder what the hell am I doing? I have read it is called ‘hysterical bonding’ reclaiming what is yours! Even though in my heart I know that is not true, he ceased to be mine a year ago when his penis accidentally fell into someone else, time and time again! I say worse things than that, can’t help myself. One minute I love him, the next I hate him. Exhausting. Anti depressants, sleeping pills and Valium don’t even help. Friends think I am foolish, I don’t like to leave the house, a day in bed, not seeing anyone is bliss. Angry or sad are my two moods. I swing between there’s all day. It is constantly on my mind and dose not get any better. I have been this way since 2 April. The one and only ‘good’ thing is I have lost 11 kilos. Easiest diet in the world. Awake at 4am again reading these blogs, searching for some comfort or some advice. I wonder how long I will have my job as I frequently call in sick as I just couldn’t face it? I want my old life back but know that that is not going to happen. So over feeling like this, really running out ways to stop the pain. My psychologist says there is no hurry to make a decision, not sure if that is true as this is killing me! Sometimes I even feel sorry for him as all I want to do is hurt him! I think I have gone crazy! Any advice would be appreciated. My husband says he doesn’t know anybody who has not cheated on his wife!!!!! Too scary!!
I am 2 years down the line after partner cheated on me with 8 casual women. He wanked this morning. Our sex life is terrible, that was my trigger, I spent the whole day checking his phone bills and e mail accounts feeling rage and jealousy still, I was, and this is sad, almost disappointed as I often seem to be when I don’t uncover anything suspicious.
I hate all the checking, I am like the FBI . Oh how much I have changed! Funny how you find out, I wasn’t even checking, just wanted to borrow his charger and his phone lit up with a message! Omg! It is true your legs go from beneath you. I could not read it my hands were shaking so much! My world changed that second! Stupid me woke him up to tell him he had a message, so they were all deleted! I should have read them all first!!!
Amanda, I know EXACTLY how you feel! You describe me so well. It’s a living hellish nightmare, that we don’t deserve.
The sick thing is my husband is fine, he thinks I should be “over it”. I am not seeing any lights at the end of the tunnel. ( it’s been a year) antidepressants, anti anxiety, sleeping pills, nothing helps!!
I feel your pain, you’re not alone.
I found out more lies and deception last night, I sent him a really nice message how I felt a little bit happier today, nice breaky out with friends etc… Then I thought it was sucky and I would delete it off his phone while he was asleep, didn’t know I would find porn sites, sex sites and booty call sites!!!! What is he doing!?? Promising ‘more than love’ forever, so sorry He fucked up, I would never hurt you again!!! I am going crazy!
Taken anti depressants, drinking a bottle of wine, smoking a packet of cigarettes, taken my lemon balm extract (traditionally used for relaxation) but still feel like I want to die! Six months of this crap every day? Never felt so much pain. Been awake all night, he was exasperated when I told him I was awake all night, he sighed and said ‘for fuck sake, I slept with a whiore get over it!!! Hiw when I discovered more lies yesterday?!?! I am wondering how this is going to end? Not good I imagine and I know it is going to hurt like hell! Wondering where I am going to find the strength. Never felt so sad since I lost my precious brother, but he didn’t betray me. HELP PLEASE!
I found your site a few days after I found about the affair. Funny enough I found the site while searching for “how to leave a cheating husband”. Well I haven’t left, for a lot of the same reasons you and everyone else who has commented. It has been 5 weeks since D day. I am not sure I can hang on for 10 months to have ok day’s. My husband is truly remorseful and wants forgiveness. He immediately ended the relationship, he went to counselling for himself and we have finished one session of counselling together. Here is the problem I feel like such a liar. Faking to our family and friends that everything is ok. Crying when no one is around or trying to choke back dinner because something has set my mind on a wild chase. I am already tired of feeling sick and exhausted! I don’t want to be this person who wants to check his phone, look in his work bag etc. I guess the bigger question is why do I want to love someone or be with someone who hurt me so bad? If this was anyone else they would no longer be my friend I would erase them from my life. Biggest kicker I am writing this from a lovely hotel room where my husband is away at a business meeting, and instead of enjoying the day I am sitting here crying and typing, I don’t think I can do this for 3 more days let alone 9 more months!
The early days are the hardest. Your body is going through extreme shock and struggling to accept what has happened. You will mourn the death of your marriage (as you knew it) for months. It’s a shitty time in your life. Food won’t matter but please remember to drink sips of water so you don’t pass out. Do you know anything about the whore? How did you discover the affair and how long had it been going on? I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I hope you find the support from all of us betrayed spouses helpful. Drop by any time. xo
Like so many others, yes I knew the whore. She was a past neighbour of ours. For 16 years. We moved 4 years ago to different town. She was a widow, her husband died tragically. Our kids grew up together and my husband helped out when something needed fixing in her house. Once we moved we saw the family on 2 other occasions, her son’s wedding and her 50th birthday party. On August 12 2014 while on holidays at a friends cottage I saw the texts that would change my life forever. I had innocently went looking for pictures he had taken of our son fishing on the boat . I knew instantly who it was from. The big difference was at the end there was a Lly. I knew enough that ly was love you, so this had to be a mistake I was reading it wrong. I looked up Lly, it meant lifetime love you. I thought my heart would stop beating. We were with friends, we were leaving the next day to go home. I went down stairs and told my husband his phone went off. It was a lie he knew it because the phone had been on silent for months and he kept it glued to him at all times. He immediately went upstairs, came back down and said it wasn’t his phone! Later I checked the phone and the texts had been deleted! The next morning we headed for a very long 8 hour drive home with our 10 year old in the car. He was saying nothing, fuckin coward! I said I saw those texts, he said I know. I asked who it was, he said does it matter? Fuckin right it matters, I wanted him to say her name out loud, I already knew. He said her name and that it had been going on for 10 months. I nearly stopped breathing, I had no idea. In the back of my mind I thought he was going to say it was nothing, it is a misunderstanding etc. Nope my husband of 28 years was having an affair. He said he saw here in the grocery store in Sept 2013 and knew he wanted to see her again. Made a lunch date in Oct, and meet every other week for lunch until June 2014. When work changed his shift and he wasn’t available for lunch. They texted all the time in my house that I pay for too, while I was sitting in the other room or he would be sitting on the porch or extra long time cutting the grass. Well u get the idea. Even writing that is devastating. So here I am trying to figure out my life and be in a club I never wanted to be in MY HUSBAND IS A FUCKING LIAR, A GOOD ONE AND A CHEAT!
Sigh. None of us ever wanted to be in this fucking club but our asshole husbands signed us up for lifetime membership. She was a friend and betrayed you. That’s truly awful. I’m so sorry 😦 I understand that heart-stopping moment when you see the texts and feel as if you can’t breathe…It’s a life-changing moment. Where are you guys at now? xo
Did you find the answer on ‘how to leave a cheating husband’? Can’t believe it is the women looking for all the answers. I am awake at 4am searching for answers, he is sleeping like a baby, not a care in the world. He thinks saying ‘you know I love you’ will magically fix it!
Deservesbetter I don’t think it matters where you are , just geography, it hurts like hell. I wonder if it would hurt less to leave and heal? (if possible) it is exhausting! I wonder if any body still reads a book or watches tv, I cant concentrate on anything , I tried running a bath to relax, no good , just closed my eyes and got images of them together! Feel sick all the time. I am going to go back to the doctors tomorrow and ask for more help! I fancy a rest in hospital , getting looked after for a while. I have never had panic attacks before, they are awful. I avoid going out incase I have one in public , dose anybody else suffer from these? The shaking is awful too, feeling anxious and frightened , I am nearly 7 months from dday? It seems to be getting worse . Seeking advice if anybody has any. Please believe me when I say I do try to heal, sometimes I forget about for an hour or so! A nights sleep would probably help, give me some strength, I am very tired all the time. He is very happy atm as I am cooking really good meals trying to stay busy, packing him nice lunches etc. it is like he is being rewarded. We have loads of sex (not once have I managed to have sex without thinking of him with his whore)
Found another song to cry to ‘ you ruined me’ Veronicas, music is very soothing, I had never noticed how many songs are about heartbreak and cheating, Keith urban has some lovely ones but the words make you cry, I also like ‘young hearts run free’ never be hung up, hung up like Myanmar and me…
It’s amazing how differently you hear songs after you’ve been cheated on. That Veronicas song is spending its third week at the top of the music charts in Australia. I’m betting its struck a chord with a LOT of people. For the anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, my doctor has me on Venlafaxine. Maybe speak to your doc about it? For a long time it didn’t feel like it was doing anything, but it did actually help. My husband and I are in an OK place relationship-wise, but took most of a year and lots of therapy to get there. Your husband, though, does not sound remorseful. That’s not a good sign. SWxo
Thanks sw I will tell my doctor. He has just left the house for the day again, we were going to out of for breakfast. Now I am spending the day alone. I am really beginning to think he enjoys hurting me and I Truely did not know him at all ;-(
Believe me, we’ve all said that. We never really knew our husbands at all. Fuckers. SWxo
SW lol yer fuckers!! X
I am with you–it would be so much easier to leave the cheater and get on with my life, rather than sign up for years of working through difficult emotions with someone who is a daily reminder of my pain.
I am in the midst of a decision, but have to say I’m tending toward choosing self-respect over my marriage
I too feel like staying is compromising my self respect. Very hard feeling like a fool every day, so much hard work! Good luck to all no matter which way they decide to go. X
I am 3 years into trying to “save” our marriage. He cheated on me for 6 months with a married woman. Our only son was 18 mos old at the time. I can’t really give you all any earth shattering hope, it does get better, but it’s still very hard. I see him differently, I see marriage differently and the world is just not what I once thought it was. I am not as angry as I once was and I know he is truly sorry, but what’s done is done and I’ve made my choice to stay, it’s not always easy, but it’s my family and I love my son and my husband despite his mistakes and I want more than anything just to move on and be happy again. I find myself going through different cycles, one was the constant triggers, one was the shame and hiding my emotions from others, etc. now I am just to the point where I have such low self esteem that it just seems impossible to pick myself up from it. Even if my husband and I have a good talk or intimate moment, it’s still with someone who threw me and my feeling to the side while he gave into to his needs so it’s hard to feel good about any progress we make, but still I carry on for my son, my family, for my marriage??? I hope it will get better, time does help, but I think you have to accept that this experience changes you. I am trying to figure out how to keep our family together without feeling like less.
Beautifully said, thank you so much for your comment. xo
This is so scary, the more letters I read it seems we are all doomed for a life that is always going to be not very happy. It scares me that so many people are going through the same pain. I am not sure why we try to stick it out and make it better. My husband is exasperated with me, he is nearly over my bullshit (pain of him sleeping with a whore for a year) do any if you hear ‘get over it’ ? Other times he is sorry, depends on his moods. It seems there is always an elephant in the room and I have to be careful what I say. It dose not seem easy any more. If I ask him what he has been doing he thinks it is me not trusting him (really!!!) hard work, I keep wondering am I going or staying? I really would like to hear some success stories, ones without a twinge of sadness 10 years on! I had the day off today and stayed in bed all day, I did not want to leave the house and smile at people. 5 1/2 months from d day. How can you be in this much pain for 5 1/2 months. Some days I pretend I am happy, so exhausting. I would like to put my arms around all of you and give you a great big healing hug. Maybe we should all dump our lying cheating husbands?
Do NOT tolerate “get over it” from your cheating husband. I have now read thousands of webpostings, psychological articles, etc. and can tell you that the ONLY way to heal from someone betraying is if they are 100% honest, remorseful, and willing to take full responsibility for their affair.
If you are getting anything less, I suspect dumping him will be more therapeutic. I am sorry you are suffering first from his affair, and then from his lack of empathy.
Thank you still reeling. I think I know in my heart what I should do. Just need to get stronger x
its been four years and i still have days i dont want to leave my house and yes sometimes i think the same why don’t we all just dump them! Its feels like a death only worse!
I absolutely agree ‘ it feels like a death, only worse!’ Even the therapist said that! 🙂
I feel so sorry for you, you are such a strong women taking care of an 18 month old baby, that would be so hard when you felt like dying. My children are all grown. I hope you got some time out to crawl up in a ball and cry. I couldn’t imagine going through this and having to take care of a baby. You are amazing. I wish you peace to enjoy your baby. Seeing your baby smile would be good healing medicine x
I sincerely feel that staying in my marriage is taking away from me, my values my morals my expectations on what a marriage should be which is TWO people period! I feel accepting him back is in spite of myself… I am losing me by allowing him back and I am allowing me to once again be second choice….
Does he want to be with you? Why are you the second choice? xo
He is seeing a psychotherapist and a therapist and says he still loves me and never stopped however I still see him with her! I still see him chosing her! I still feel second! I feel so less than! Like I am so nothing! Useless! And I am thoroughly disgusted by him! I HATE this life with him! SO SO SOoo hate everything about it!!
Triggers suck. I still haven’t mastered the art of not letting every random sh!tty one of them take up my valuable headspace. They aren’t as bad as they used to be..actually I oughta say..I don’t physically react as much as I used to, but it’s still a battle and sometimes I win, sometimes I don’t.
I know exactly what you mean. I wonder if we ever get to the stage where triggers no longer exist… SW xo
I don’t think we will SW!! 11 months down the line (how long is this fucking line???) they are still there, I still spend far too much time remembering exactly what my husband did. BUT altho the triggers are still a major occurrence in my life they don’t often bring me to my knees like they used to. I no longer find myself crying at the drop of a hat. That’s some kind of progress. Right???
Sending hugs to all us betrayed spouses xx
Dear shatteredwife,
Thank you so much for your blog. You have created a wonderful and insightful piece that I have found much comfort in as I desperately pick through the pieces of my own shattered heart.
It’s now been less than 3 weeks since D-Day when I discovered his year-long affair with a lady he KNEW I disliked. It started while she was working here but it continued after she moved back home overseas. He used to visit her whenever he went over there for his work. The pain and betrayal is brutal and raw. However, one comfort I get from all this is that he has lied to HER throughout their entire relationship, too. She had no idea I was even in the picture! She is now furious to realise that their entire relationship was just his Dirty Little Secret. So many lies to both sides. He has much explaining to do!
He is now deeply remorseful and painfully aware of his actions and their consequences. He says he feels ‘lower than a sewer rat’. We have no kids (although we were trying earlier this year before he said he couldn’t mentally and physically cope with the idea, hmm I wonder why) but we have been together over 6 years and had plans for the future. Letting go of these is very difficult.
I’m moving out this weekend as it’s exhausting dealing with the emotional rollercoaster at home. I’m saddened that I’m forced to leave but I can’t bear living in that house where it all began. At least he’s had the decency to pay for my rent (although I’m financially independent).
I’m not sure what lies ahead for me but I’m comforted to know that I’ve found a support network here to help me through 🙂 I really look forward to your future blog entries, some of them have made me laugh in a time that is anything but funny.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m curious – how did you discover it? And how did she have no idea you existed?? Sounds like he weaved a real web of lies. Has he been able to answer any of your questions about the affair? PS Apologies, I had to delete a tiny bit of your comment for privacy reasons. But yes, you are correct. And I’m glad you’ve been able to take some comfort here. SW xo
Classic textbook example of discovering text messages on his phone after I’d finally worked out his password (her birthday!). I’d had my suspicions for a very long time but was watching and waiting. Despite this, it did not lessen the blow of the discovery. It just confirmed my worst fears.
Yes, it was a very complex web of lies, too many to tell. Let’s just say he managed to dupe her into believing he was separated and that he lived with his DAUGHTER. This was helped by the fact that I work full time and so am out of the house everyday. Ample opportunity. I still can’t believe how she could have been so gullible but he must have been very convincing. I mean, he managed to hide it from me for a year!
Yes, he has told me everything and answered all my questions after much hard work and heartache. I know it to be the entire truth as he says he now feels relieved because he has no more to hide. I have confirmed this with her much to her annoyance (that proved an interesting and somewhat satisfying experience!).
We have never had such open and painfully honest conversations in our entire relationship but they’ve proven to be very helpful in this initial healing process. I’m lucky in that he now wants to do everything he can to help me recover and move on. It is only now that he’s realised the selfishness of his actions and what he’s lost.
my world was rocked 3 weeks ago. I have been married for 25 years. My kids said to me that dad is acting very shaddy with his phone. After alot of research I found out he has been talking to her since April. He orginally lied and said he talked to alot of people on the phone because of work. Well you can check cell phone records for 18months. he talked to her for long periods of time, every day, sometime 5xs a day. He walks at night time and would talk to her then. It is mindblowing that he talked so much to her. He said it was nothing but GOOD CONVERSATION. he said it was just fun easy conversation and nothing romantic. I DON’T BELIEVE HIM. i have never had any reason to ever doubt him before. He is sorry and embarassed by his stuid behavior. I can’t sleep, eat or function. The worst is I LOVE HIM more now then ever. I DON’T understand why????I don’t want him out of my sight. I wish I HATED HIM. i have questions all the time. Who thinks a emotional relationship is an AFFAIR. I do.. i need help.
An emotional affair is very real and can be more devastating than a wham-bam one night stand because of the emotional connectivity built over time. Your husband can deny it all he likes but he’s only kidding himself. I’m so sorry this hell has been brought upon you. SW xo
I guess an emotional affair is just as bad, they all hurt the same, I don’t really know. I am still trying to work out what sort of affair my husband had, he slept with the same prostitute for one year, whore, affair or girlfriend? They had each other’s phone numbers, he would text her he missed her, he paid $175 an hour to tell her it is over ( he told me in a text message, that our marriage was not going to work, as you should be ‘over it ‘ by now). I am not sure which is worse, I guess anything you can’t do in front of your partner is cheating, big hug x
All affairs hurt because they all betray your trust in one way or another. A combination of emotional and physical (as mine was) is excruciating.
It’s also the worst kind. PS Lorraine, do you mind if I ask how old you are? SWxo
The pain is unbearable, sitting here wondering how I can get through today at work, just want to go back to bed and cry. Six months today, no relief in sight. Anti depressants are not working . Yes excruciating I agree, I hate it!
Just found out another lie! How come they always set you right back? It is not as if we don’t realize cheaters lie! Off to work now, not sure if I will make it through today? Any tips?
One minute at a time. Breathe. Stay hydrated. SWxo
Trying to breathe! Thanks x
Do something nice for yourself. A nice lunch, a walk in the sun, book a hair appointment. Something just for you. I have a bit of strength to share today, so sending some your way. Xx
SW, I’d rather not divulge my age. Sorry. Amanda, I feel your pain in discovering another lie. They do it so easily, don’t they? Lies to cover up more lies… It just does your head in. I know it’s wishful thinking but I hope there are no more lies for me to uncover… Although, given the millions of questions still floating in my head, I’m sure I’ll stumble across something. Thank God for work to keep me distracted!
Sorry, I didn’t realise your age was a state secret. We’re generally pretty open about stuff like how old we are on here! You could have simply said your twenties or thirties or forties or whatever. It just gives the rest of us a reference point as to where we each are in life. No worries. Good luck.
Lorraine, those questions that float around in your head send you crazy. I keep telling myself ‘ of course they tell lies, a cheater has too tell lies’ but they still hurt! 6 months since d day, I hope it gets better than this. This site is my lifeline, although sometimes it saddens and scares me to realize that so many people cheat. My husband says every male he has met cheats on thier wife, makes me think what is the point?! Love to everybody in pain x
Wow, what great odds. I am sooo looking forward to starting my life over again… 😦 Despite the grim prospects, I don’t think you can give up on hope and love. This experience has certainly made me more weary (and most likely damaged – can’t wait for those manifestations to pop up!) but I still hold out hope that I can be happy again one day. Hopefully it will be with a decent guy next time?? Call me naive but if you don’t have hope, what really is the point? Still gotta enjoy life somehow 🙂
(Obviously having a good moment right now! I’m milking it for all it’s worth!)
Lulu milk it! Stay happy and hopeful, hope you meet somebody lovely x
You too, Amanda! In fact, I hope everyone who is in a position to do so will meet a decent partner one day. They can’t be all bad, right??
Btw, this is Lorraine – Lulu is my nickname 😉
Lorraine I have to get through the pain of this break up first, one minute I think I can stay , the next I think omg what are you thinking he slept with a whore for a year, then I cling to him, what a crazy mess. I would be so scared to trust anyone else. Totally messed up. He is not speaking to me atm because he has decided it is over as he is sick of my moods and questions. I think I am trying to drive him away so I don’t have to make decisions. Quite incapable of any decisions these days. He thinks he is ace atm , the whore lives him and so does his wife. Annoying me how up himself he is. What about remorse? Good luck x
I’m so sorry Amanda. You seem to be stuck in a real dilemma. I can’t believe he’s still stringing you both along like that! It’s hard trying to let go but I hope you find the strength to do so one day… Is it possible for you to live apart and give yourself some space? Is there a family member or friend you could stay with for a little while? I’ve just moved out of my home (very heart breaking) but it’ll give us the space we need while the situation and emotions are still so fresh and raw. I hope this allows us to heal… Fingers crossed.
A bit of confusion, he is not stringing me along, he no longer sees the chinese prostitute ( hopefully) he just thinks he is ace because the 35 year whore apparently ‘loved him’ . I am 52. I am pretty sure they are paid to make them feel good. Stupid men think it’s real. $175 is all it costs! Pretty women relived. I don’t think you work in a white house to find your true live. Apparently she thought he was decent. A married man in a whore house, yer right DECENT!!!!
I can’t wait for the day when the triggers are not so soul sucking. I just had one this week when I found out that whore #2 just got engaged. It made me so freakin angry that she’s going on about her life and enjoying all the gifts it has to offer and I’m still trying to put back the pieces of my broken marriage. It doesn’t seem right! My best friend suggested I send her an engagement gift…a brand new dildo with a card attached that says, “For when you want to step out on your fiancé. At least this dick doesn’t have a family attached to it for you to ruin.” I think she’s rather brilliant.
Haha, love it! SWxo
I love how your friend thinks! Someone who can make you smile when you are hurting. Because if you aren’t smiling I am. So thanks.
i find myself not asking some things, just to prevent them from becoming a trigger. i fell pregnant while my husband was 2 yrs into his affair. it continued during my pregnancy and 11 months after our babys birth. i have so many photos of my beautiful newborn with her daddy, and in some she’s sleeping, while he’s texting on his phone. sometimes i want to ask him if it was her he was texting while holding my precious girl but can’t bring myself to do it..if he ever told me he was i don’t guarantee i could resist the urge to knock his teeth out..seriously. i don’t want my daughter to be a trigger. she’s worth so much more than that. again, it seems to be on the betrayed to try and minimise the damage caused them by assholes who make selfish choices.
Triggers I hate them, enjoy your beautiful baby girl, I found out today my husband borrowed my car to drive to the whore house, I can’t understand what difference it makes, but it does!
i know exactly what you mean, and it could drive me crazy if i let it. i also don’t know WHY it should make a difference whose car he used or what days he texted etc but somehow it does and I HATE IT. the whole point is it shouldn’t have been in ANY fuckng car, there shouldn’t have been ANY texting, he shouldn’t have been such a sneaky selfish dick. but with these triggers it’s like knowing i was unaware of what he was doing but being PRESENT while he did it (texting) or actually having a conversation with him and handing him his fuckng car keys while he knew all along where he was going and what he was going to do makes me feel like i was he involved me in what he was doing. he INCLUDED me in this shit bcos I WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN HE DID IT!! i don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else but that’s how i feel about some of my triggers. i know i gotta let it go, and i’m doing that (yeah it’s slow going but it’s happening and it’s solely for myself.) it’s just that sometimes, the reality of how nasty ppl can be really sucks.
I know that feeling of wanting to knock their teeth out!
MsJaded I know exactly how you feel. I have certain triggers and I too don’t know why it should matter where I was, or where they meet, but it does. Because this should not have happened. I too was home when he was texting her, sitting in the other room, helping our son with something. When you said it made you feel like you were involved in what he was doing, that made me cry. That is exactly how I feel. I feel dirty, humiliated, stupid and angry! My latest triggers are things that he bought for me while seeing her over the 10 months. There is a piece of pottery he brought home from a trip he went on with the guys. Yes it was a trip with the guys. We had been to the same place 2 years before and found this pottery place. I fell in love with the art. The problem is that right after he returned from the trip he gave me my gift and then he called the whore and made their first meeting date. So while he was away he was thinking about her!!!!! Every time I look at that piece of pottery I FUCKING HATE HIM. And like you I don’t ask questions because I don’t want to set myself off. Currently he will answer any questions I ask. Sometimes the answers are so hurtful! And yet he is answering truthfully because he wants this to work. Not sure what to do with the rest of the gifts he bought, that includes jewellery. What I really want to do is get the pottery and smash it right in front of him, take the jewellery and mangle the shit out of it. Not sure I still won’t do that. He is putting up with all of my moods and emotions, but like a lot of others posting I am not sure how long that will last. So I am getting thru one day at a time.
((deservesbetter and amanda))
it’s so effing sad to know we KNOW and understand these things so well. it’s comforting that we can all be here for each other and share but sad too. oh triggers!!! a year ago i never would have thought looking at my own husband, at precious family pics, at a beautiful leather chair i bought him for christmas one year, hearing certain songs or driving certain places would cause my heart to beat almost of my chest, my eyes to water and my brain to scramble to figure out what to do next. panic sets in when it happens and our kids are there, i don’t want to lose it and burst into tears out of ‘nowhere’ like a crazy person in front of them. for me, i literally have to freeze myself in place and repeat a phrase in my head to calm down. the default phrase my therapist gave me is ‘that was then, this is now’. i liked that and it made sense to me, but she told me any phrase at all that helped me through a mini emotional crisis (or even a full blown one) would be the best phrase. i decided i needed some sass because that makes me feel good. so for triggers, now i repeat ‘that was then so FK THEM – now is ALL about YOU’. then i have to make a conscious effort to NOT act on my feelings. it’s hard, but mostly i can regain control. if not, repeating my phrase at least usually buys me some time to get somewhere alone where i can pace/walk/kick/scream it out. and then after all this i go and i tell him what just happened and why. he asked me to do that because he wants to be there and do whatever it takes to help me through the emotional fallout of HIS crappy decisions. did he mean it? probably. but i figured since he hasn’t got a shit show in hell of building a time machine to go backwards in, i’m taking him up on his offer. i’ve found some triggers ease up a bit and a couple of things (literally just TWO) now aren’t triggers by working things this way, for others i know i’ll need another approach and probably more healing time before i can go there. this stuff helped me, i don’t know why exactly, but i’m not questioning it too much. awhile ago i decided that starting from DDAY until well..forever i guess, i’m in healing/learning and growing mode. in the spirit of 100% loving MYSELF and my life with my kids. we were all affected and hurt by his affair, but we don’t deserve to stay in that place for the rest of our lives. yes, i love my husband too, but things have changed now and i didn’t choose for that to happen – HE did. so, i’m working with what I can do to navigate myself and my kids through this shit. i want to be able to forgive and let go so I’M not destroyed. if a stronger, healthier relationship with my guy is a bi-product, ok, but it’s not my first priority. it/us/he used to be, but not anymore. now the priority is for me to not define myself, my life or the years invested in my marriage by his affair. learning to gain control over the triggers is part of that. so i’ll try whatever it takes. venting here about some of them has helped me too. i’m surprised by the power of posting and swearing in the comments section lol, but there you go! 🙂 i hope this might help you in some way in coping with your triggers and healing. we deserve a beautiful future and a happy life beyond this. ((hugs))
I love the phrase “that was then, this is now”. I will try that next time I feel a trigger coming up….such as his birthday this weekend. This time last year was complete shit. He was deep into an affair, I had no idea, he was treating me and the kids like shit…ugh, I feel sick just thinking about it. But that was then, this is now… SWxo
That was then and this is now, I like it too, but I did not realise how I liked it then. Good luck with your husband’s birthday celebrations, hopefully it will be a ‘good’ day and you will build new and nicer memories than last year. I wish you well x
So sorry I looked for your name, could not find it. I wish you well, I hope you heal and get the happiness you deserve, I really do. Tonight my husband and I decided to seperated, after 6 months of heart wrenching trying to make it work. We cried and hugged. He is now snoring in the spare bedroom. I am not looking forward to the future, I feel very frightened, my children are grown, I feel so alone, who wants to be single at 52 after 25 years of marriage, I wish I had a time machine too to go back in time. My husband and I fucked up, we didn’t take care of our previous marriage and now it is too late. So so very sad, I know there is lots more pain ahead, I have told myself I can do this tonight, tomorrow that may change. We have to put our home on the market, I love my house. I keep picturing the ‘for sale’ sign. Omfg. So scared! I don’t know what the future holds? I will stick up on wine and anti depressants. I don’t want another man, I amgoing to be so lonely with loads of painful triggers. I wonder where I can afford to live? Where am I going to find the strength? I won’t be able to afford the luxury of skipping work and hiding under the doona for the day. I don’t want to do it alone. Hopefully I will go to sleep tonight and not wake up!!
I’m so sorry to hear that. Also, I’m fairly certain separating seemed like the only logical thing to do at the 6 month mark – it’s way too early to be making that kind of decision. What, for you, has been the hardest thing to accept about his affair? What is the thing you would find hardest to forgive? SWxo
Gosh, hardest thing to forgive?i am not sure, I think it is because he has broken every promise he made since day, one that we would never sleep apart under the same roof(this has now happened 8 nights) no more lies, he keeps swapping his story, then when he gets confused.he says he dose not remember, what dose it matter anyway, get over it! He is no longer going to the whore house but he could go whenever he liked and if he paid cash I would never know, scary, I would always wonder, if he was ever late home. Porn sites on his phone, another broken promise, not coming to therapy, he says if two people that love each other can’t work it out how in the hell can a stranger help us!? I at least wanted to give it a try, last resort. At least we could have said we tried everything, I think not trusting and always being a detective is so exhausting, probably the fact that I don’t think I will ever get those images out of my head, the sex is not the same, I no longer feel special, I can’t understand why I am the one doing all the work to fix us. I have read time and time again, on this site, that you never fully get over it and that most men do it again, that would absolutely destroy me ( even more if possible) I have lost friends , they think I am a ridiculous fool for staying with a man that slept with one whore for a year (if that is the truth, I will never know) he went to a whore because he was lonely, what if he feels lonely again? Why did he have her phone number? He said a whore, no complications!!! Apparently she was stalking him because she loved him!!! All too ridiculous!!! I can’t listen to any more of this shit!!! Lots of things I can’t forget/forgive, he no longer feels like he is mine, not many people know and it seems lately wherever we go somebody is talking about cheating/prostitutes. I just don’t know him. I picture him walking in to that whore house over and over again and I just want to die!!! So angry, so hurt so exhausted, I just give up, so lots and lots of things I find hard to forgive, lies lies and more lies, feel like I am going nuts, I know when you are a cheater you need to lie, but why is he still lying? I love him, hate him, love him hate him. Omg my husband slept with a whore for a year!!!! Nothing ever can change that!! Everything is ruined! Might get up and listen to my favorite song, Sam smith, ‘when you call me baby, I know I’m not the only one…urg too sad
So many hurts. Your recovery will be long and difficult, no doubt. There are many times you think you’ll think you’re going insane. I 100% promise you that you are not. But the process of dealing with shit will make you feel positively crazy. Go slowly. SWxo
deservesbetter, i’ve been there with the gift smashing. on DDAY he came home from work 6 hrs early (because i called him and told him what i KNEW) to find every piece of jewellery, art, furniture, and purfume that he’d bought me, along with all the cards and notes he’d written to me, lying in a big mangled heap on the front lawn. (the neighbours must’ve had a field day watching me trash all that stuff on a beautiful summery Tuesday morning..) the look on his face was heartbreaking. i don’t know if i regret doing it, i just know it actually hurt me to see that HE was so hurt that i did it. that i did something so out of character because i was in pain. after our confrontation he quietly went outside to pick it all up, i watched him from inside. i saw him trying to fix some of the more ‘special’ things and fail. they weren’t expensive but they meant something more than that to both of us, because he’d made them or because of the time they were given. it broke my heart. he was crying like a baby and he thought i couldn’t see. i was crying too. i guess that’s when it kinda clicked for me i couldn’t express how angry i was at him in this way for too long, because it’d ruin us both.
This made me cry, too. SWxo
Dose anybody wonder how long it will be before it is not on your mind 24/7? 6 months from day and some days it is kind of bearable then the next day it is herendous. I wonder if I will ever feel special again. My husband told me today he loves me alway did, we just lost our way. He said he is so glad to have his wife back??? I think he may like the fact I have lost 12 kilos. It dose feel good to be looking good again, urg every day is different, sometes I think I can do this other days I think why do I want to!
Sorry to hear of your anguish, Amanda. Unfortunately you’re 6 months ahead of me and so I can’t really offer any advice 😦 However, I do hope you get through those bad moments. I read a nice little quote today in a book called ‘Shit Happens So Get Over It’: If you find yourself going through hell, keep going.
I’m sure despite all this, we’ll all eventually come out the other end and be ok… Fingers crossed.
Thanks lulu, your story sounds so painful, as dose misty’ s , SW’s and all the other poor broken ladies, I wish I knew what to say to bring some comfort to someone, although I love all your support, don’t you wish we had never met each other, we all try to make sense of what happened, the thing is it dosent make sense anymore! I actually feel a tiny bit of relief that I don’t have to try to make it work anymore, don’t get me wrong, saddest thing ever but I am so exhausted, there are no words to describe it, I hope I find a point to something. Not looking forward to the future at all, living or just existing , I will never trust anyone again, I thought I knew my husband now he is a stranger, so many friends have said they would never that thought he would have done that, they are just so shocked, they are all wondering about thier own husbands, I say no your husband would never do that! They say ‘I thought the same about yours!’ See, just too scary, whole life is about to change again, friends ask ‘what are you going to do?’ I have absolutely no idea, pick up the pieces , I guess, can’t really see the point! Shit life! Maybe one day I will be able to leave some positive advice on this site, hope so. But not today xx
Clearing out my wallet today I found a note I’d written about a year ago. It was the address to a place we went to for a few marriage counselling sessions (for what I THOUGHT were just minor issues). They were his idea. However, our first session occurred when he was already about 2.5 months into his affair. A week later he took her on a weekend away up the coast and told me he had a work conference in NZ! Can someone please explain to me why he even bothered with marriage counselling? Was it just a facade to make it seem he was trying to address the outside I’d thought we had when obviously he had no intention to tell the truth? I can’t make sense of it and I can’t ask him just yet. Any ideas, ladies?
He wanted to distribute some blame for the affair on you. He wanted to go to counselling so you could admit your flaws. Then he, without guilt, can say “See, no wonder I went outside the marriage!” Classic cheater behaviour.
Oh… He had a terrifying near-death experience in June 2013 and I thought our issues stemmed from that alone. His mood changed and he was losing focus at work. He felt that I didn’t understand what he was going through and so I offered to be more patient. I was still very loving and supportive though. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that he would sought comfort from another woman (who has had a similar experience) to help him deal with the trauma!! I mean, how the heck can I compete with that?? Still, as I made it abundantly clear to him, even if I don’t understand his condition fully, there are still much better and honest ways to deal with it! I just can’t believe he gave up so easily on us and tried to fix his emotional void the way he did. Honestly… Why don’t people use their brains?
That was just my 2c worth, btw.
Every 2c bit is always appreciated! 🙂 Btw, how did you go in that job you were applying for? I really hope that the stress levels have come down a bit for you… School goes back this week, right? I hope this gives you some relief… My thoughts go out to you as you juggle everything. You’re a strong lady. Hopefully you’ll have some time write your next blog! Looking forward to it! 🙂
Whoops, ‘outside’ is supposed to be ‘issues’. Damn auto correct!
I think all our men are incredibly selfish, cruel hearted people! How dare they do this to us beautiful, loving, caring, kind, devoted wives! I hope the skanks who slept with and ran around with our husbands know damn well just how awful it feels to be us at some point! I hope they feel the betrayal we have and sadness we have had to endure! I hope they see their worlds shatter before their very eyes without the capability of doing anything about it except stand back and watch! I hope they feel the shame and humiliation that we have all experienced! I hope one day each and every single one of these whores has the day when they wake up blissfully unaware of the fact that their world is about to collapse into a heap of shit because of actions of their husbands and a person who is JUST LIKE THEM! How lovely it would be to sit back and watch a whore have an eye opening experience! I know how bitter I sound! Trust me I do but this is where I am right now! Hurt jaded bitter and sad! UGH!!!
I wanted to clarify my last post when I said I fucking hate him. I don’t fucking hate my husband , I hate the situation he put us in. The reason I wanted to clarify that comment is that like so many others I found this site because I was devastated by my husband having an affair. And after reading everyone’s comments I felt this was a safe place to be. It bothered me that I know that new people are going to come along and sadly they will, as first timers with their lives destroyed, read the comment and wonder how can someone hate another and still want to be with them. Like so many others some days just venting is enough and some days I look for words of wisdom and support. I have certainly found that here, so thank you. Maybe today I just needed to clear my concious. This is a struggle most days, but I am in this to make it work. I realized that on the weekend.
This is a great read and I wanted to share with all of you! Clearly, our husbands, the men we chose for life partners are not ” real men.”
http://elitedaily.com/dating/gentlemen/8-reasons-real-men-dont-cheat/708215/
Everyday I struggle with what he did to me and our son. Its soul sicking and I have flashbacks of everything and I could just cry and never leave the house! The emotions I go through every day are exhausting sometimes—I think I would be able to heal if I didn’t stay with him. like when I say I want to seperate and he panics says I dont want to be without you///but when he had her wasn’t a problem he couldn’t stand the site of me, me and his children were the reason he was so unhappy!!! He abused us made it out like we were the problem— at a family party he was drunk our sixteen year son had headache wanted to leave he father said to him in real mean way in front of everyone even his girlfriend// whats the matter got a little sand in your vagina!!!! He was a monster he acted like her you see—- i did know her we hung out with her and her husband for years!! In fact see was engaged to get married too someone else when i first met her but she was screwing around with her now husband! It strange but one part of the so called relationship was alot of drinking and making fun of people! honestly i dont know who he was he became a monster!!!! He took on her personality mean — unhappy — nasty fun making bully!!! horrible vile human being!!!!
The emotional abuse sounds unbearable. Do you have young children now? Is that’s what keeping you there? SWxo
No i dont know whats keeping me here, he doesn’t drink anymore he doesn’t abuse us anymore— he take full blame for his actions. He admits it was his choice to cheat we have know each other since we were 14 years old and he was my best friend for nine years before it become anything more. Its so complicated, I love him ive known him forever and at the time when it happened are life was in a strange place. He was always abusive and i come from a abusive home. Ive told him i was premade for you i always kept quiet and took the abuse you cant argue with a drunk. Actually he wasnt mean to me when we were just friends. Its layers of things every affair is different you know what i mean. I have chewed him up spit him out ripped him apart to his face and now he knows no one will ever push me around abuse me harm me in anyway including him. Ive told i wish you had just ended it with me the minute you knew what you were planning.I didnt get a choice like infecting me with std and sti or blaming me and your children for your unhappiness. when your unhappiness was yours!! I told him i would have been heart-broken over breaking up ,but i wouldnt have all this other painful memories and i would have realized IM FREE NO MORE ABUSE NO MORE BEAT DOWNS FREE!!! I also told him you could have just left us out of your pity party with her!! I also told him maybe i would have just like to have had choice like maybe i would have like to be with someone who actually liked me loved me would never lie cheat mistreat me or maybe i would have just been happy being a single mom!!! I didnt get that choice i said you can have her just remember she cheated on her first husband during her engagement and went ahead married him while cheating then had the marriage annuled. So she could be with the guy who is now her husband. She is a very sick person she likes to play games she is a insecure unhappy fun making bully!!! She needs to feel validated by men!! She is real good at cheating she knows how to feed the ego!! My husband was a monster he was an arrogant chest puffed out asshole!! I dont know who that guy was he really was a monster I told I would not even want to know you if you behaved like that when we were kids. I could go on forever i know i will never get over what he did ,but he has changed he is work in progress, he is my friend i grew up with again humble kind thoughtful he knows what he did and he has live with it and it kills him too. Like i say to him your loss– meaning his own personal loss. I dont wear my wedding band anymore never will we dont celebrate our anniversary no need and i will struggle and someday i will have my day with her!
Do the triggers ever stop. I went for lunch and suddenly it brought back him and OW sitting and having lunch together. Its been 2 months 9 days. I can relate to your blog and i am reading each and every post.
Hello Ruchi, mine haven’t stopped after 3 yrs although they do lessen. I’m sorry you are here although I’m glad you found me. SWxo