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affair, affair infidelity trauma husband wife betrayal diet, betrayed spouse, cheating, D-Day, divorce, emotional affair, fuck it all, history, infidelity, liar, marriage, trauma
A strange thing happens when you find your husband has been cheating on you. You find yourself both loving and hating them at the same time.
The reason we don’t simply walk out on their lying asses? History.
What does that even mean?
History with a person means so much when you’ve been with your partner for a while. I met my husband when I was 20. I am now 43. That’s a lot of years with one person.
When I look into his face, I am reminded of our shared history.
His face is the one that beamed when I graduated with my degree.
It’s the face of the man who had tears in his eyes as my dad walked me down the aisle.
It’s the face of the one who talks my talents up to everyone every chance he gets.
It’s the face that glowed with pride when our first child entered the world, his son.
He loved me. More than that, he adored me.
Friends would tell us we were such a beautiful family.
Now I want to take those same people and shake them until their heads fall off.
“HOW GREAT DO YOU THINK MY HUSBAND IS NOW? LYING ASSHOLE CHEATED ON ME WHEN OUR BABY WAS JUST A FEW WEEKS OLD. WHAT KIND OF MAN DOES THAT, HUH? WHAT KIND OF MAN??? ”
The effects of his affair have been staggering. Aside from the dramatic weight loss, there’s the shaking feeling that you will never be sane again, never love again, never trust again, never feel “normal” again.
Every day is filled with pain. Disbelief that it happened to you. A constant nagging that you’ll never get over it.
And yet, we cannot say goodbye.
I have shared life with this man. My life. Our life. Our children’s lives.
I don’t want them to grow up with a ‘weekend dad’.
I love my husband, but I hate his fucking guts. Only a betrayed spouse will understand what it’s like to be in this weird twilight zone.
To all the cheating husbands and other women (aka, whores) out there, this is the never-ending destruction you have caused with your selfish actions.
You have shifted our view of the world.
Nothing will ever be the same.
Shattered By My Husband's Affair 
Yep. Just yep.
But remember we are wishful thinking, they *loved* their AP and they are of course still in contact (and if they’re not they’re future faking arseholes). However sad we are at the loss of innocence and the loss of their character, it’s better than being sad (as in pathetic) and having to make stuff up to justify the affair. No matter how badly we have been harmed, I wouldn’t trade to be the mostly unharmed self-pitying OW. Because that would just be, well, ick. If you had a choice, you’d still choose to be you not M right?
It’s so hard to reconcile the person you thought he/she was with the harsh reality after betrayal.
I couldn’t agree more! Disgusted, hurt, heartbroken. Were they the ones beaming or were they actually scheming then to get to some one else? That often runs through my mind. Was it always happening and I just caught this? UGH! Disgust!
Can I get a Hell Yeah!?!? So very, very true. Xo
Thanks Shattered… now my makeup is completely ruined. I have fucking tears streaming down my face and snot running down my nose! Just read Wife Cheated’s post and now yours 😥
Nothing will ever be the same again, you are so right and its devastating. It’s devastating to know that the one person in the whole world who was supposed to have your back – didn’t! Not only did they not have your back they were the instigator of all the pain you are feeling now.
And the reasons we don’t leave their lying, cheating asses??? You got it. It’s the history and the future, the futures of our kids. I often wonder whether I’d be staying if we didn’t have kids. And you know what?? I’m really not sure. But I know one thing, it would definitely be a whole lot easier to leave and to start again that’s for sure!!
Sorry you’re having a bad day/week/month/year xx
That is EXACTLY what I said when my wife cheated. She was the one person in this world, no matter what happened, no matter who was trying to get me, who was supposed to have my back, and she was the one who buried the knife when I was most vulnerable. Fucking bitch. It has long-since ended and she thinks everything is ok, but I just can’t fucking stand her.
I feel the same way. We are together but i fucking hate his guts. Hate..no I don’t want to be alone..so we are together. He can apologize all he wants..he can try to make it up to me..but he never will be able to do it. He can’t I’m betray me.
It’s so easy when I was an arm chair quarterback, if my husband ever cheated on me, I’d leave him so fast, well he cheated & I didn’t! I’m older than the rest of you, our kids are all grown, but I found out pretty quick even grown up kids want their parents to stay together, at least ours did. But even with that being said, I know without a doubt, I’m with him because of the man he was before this. When I look back at that, it’s scary that another person can make you throw away everything you hold dear in your life, for what, a quick fuck, ego building! Sometimes if it wasn’t so gut wrenching I could actually die laughing from not only some of the drivel that came out of my husbands’ mouth during that time, but what I’ve read on some of these blogs that the people who have cheated write! All I can say is it is complete nonsense from people who aren’t living in the grown up world where their spouses are residing!
OMG. you nailed it. I’m with him..twenty years together..he wanted to stay together……so yes were together..its different..not sure i love him or not..but I do sometimes hate him.
Wow. That was like reading the start of my year in a nutshell that no one else around me understood.
I can only share this here… Where I’m only known by a title & my husband’s cheating. I’m too ashamed, disgusted & embarrassed to say this out loud, so I’ll type it here
WHAT kind of man stands in a hospital room behind you and text his fucking WHORE minutes after watching his wife’s fathers life support being removed?
I will live with THAT horrible thought the rest of my life.
Although I have posted how to get data off the cheating, lying bastards iPhones, I encourage everyone to really think about the impact of the worst case, if you do. That’s how I know he text her. Time stamp was 5 minutes after life support was removed, as I sat by my fathers bedside & cried, he stood behind me texting his whore…. Excuse me, while I go vomit now!!
OMG!!!!! And I thought texting the EvilBitch during our anniversary was bad. I’m so sorry, OBT xxoo
I am so sorry OBT that is some nonsense. Hard to choke back the vomit reading that for sure.
Thank you all for your kind words. Brokenjoan you are correct, I didn’t do this & disgusted is all I should feel, but the shame & embarrassment are still there.. Maybe for him (?). I have confronted him with the email he sent after my dad’s life support removal. The worst is my father Loved him. My father thought he was the best thing since sliced bread… The only comfort is my father never knew the truth about this bastard. It would have broke his heart! We had a HUGE blow out last night or I should say I did…. I ripped him a new asshole & today I feel cleansed…today he feels fear!
Onebreath: oh wow!!! The pig was seeing prostitutes and running around with his regular female whore the whole time my father (who loved him like a son) was in a coma for 8 months. Not one of his texts said “listen, we need to stop texting and meeting because I need to be there for my wife because her dad is dying.” Nope, not even once. This wasn’t just any man. This was his children’s grandfather. At least out of respect for him, stop seeing your whore. It pissed me off so much at the funeral how the pig gave such a beautiful eulogy and held my hand and organizrd everything and everyone thought he was such a saint. Gag
My husband had his affair too while my dad was dying of cancer and I was helping tend to him and the family business… I can’t do this how are you wives doing this? I hate my husband! How can you stay with and still love a man that could hurt us this way?? Yes I am still with him but only because finances won’t let me do otherwise? I don’t want him or this marriage! I am trying to get everything in order to get out….if I hadn’t lost my job due to cut backs or my dad wasn’t dead I would already be gone! But I don’t want to start over at my age….so I am so up and down and back and fourth??? I have been pretending I can do this but I can’t I want out so bad and I commend all of you for wanting to stay…. How do you want to stay? I just can’t get there and there is a part of me that wishes I could?
I’m with you. I’m. Still. With him…but its all for his money. I hate him.
Dear One Breath At a Time, I don’t even know what to say about that, I am so sorry! Just when you think you’ve heard the worse, but you have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed you didn’t do anything to feel that way, disgusted yes, that’s what I felt when I read it! XO Joan
UGH… the selfishness of a cheater holds no bounds. I’m so sorry for the loss of your father and for everything that followed xx
Oh Shattered yup hate, history and that the man wants to stay around. It baffles me and I wonder if I need to be baffled anymore with stupidness. It’s almost 5 months now and wow. I still use curse words more than i ever did and I can call him a Motherfucker as much as I want.
Besides the question of how, why, are you such a coward bitch..it’s so hard because now he doesn’t seem to be..
Which almost pisses me off more…
😦
Here’s to better days, months, years dear Shattered. I have missed your posts ❤
I include better minutes, seconds, hours as well Shattered ❤
Shattered… I hate that you still feel this level of intense disgust after 9 months and feel that you must stay with him. You are going to make yourself physically and mentally sick if you don’t change something.
We went to our 2nd therapy session after 1 year 4 months. i had 2 revenge fucks with one lover in one week. my therapist did not condone it but said that she understood. Last night, she asked my husband to imagine me sleeping with another man and taking selfies. He broke down crying at the mere thought because I have held this threat over his head since I found out. He does not know that I did it and I wont tell him. But I fired my lover tonight because I feel vindicated now.
I don’t expect anyone to agree with me or for you to do what I did. However, I feel great and I feel that the therapist made my husband “get it” last night.
Shattered, figure out what you really want and make it happen. for your own well being. Get therapy, either alone or with him. Your children will hate that you suffered for them when they get older and they will still resent him.
We love each other and have a strong love and friendship. He had an indiscretion and now realizes that it may cost him “his queen”. He did not see it until the therapist MADE him see it.
Don’t feel bad. After I found out my husband cheated I went insane. I had an affair right under my (crying..begging for forgiveness..) pussy ass husband’s nose. I was beyond hurt..and broken..and pissed iff. The only difference is..I told my husband about my affair..his desperate ass forgave me..good for him. Cause I still haven’t forgiven him..eat shit and die.
I’m so thankful I found this post. It’s exactly 1 year and 1 day for me and it still hurts like hell. I still love him and I’m so angry at the same time. The mental war I have in my head is exhausting. Does it ever get better? Will I ever recover? Am I wasting my time to rebuild a 17 year marriage? He says he loves me and only me. The reason he gave was that he didn’t feel loved anymore, but he never talked to me about it prior to his affair. I admit things got rocky, but I never thought about stepping out my vows.
I don’t get it. I’m an attractive, educated, god fearing, well versed women and he cheated with the stereotypical ghetto whore. It shattered me to even know that it was ok for him to be with her. I thought it was a joke at first. I laughed at the fact that I thought he was having an affair with her. She lied for him too. She pretended to be a coworker until I started digging deeper. The joke was on me because he could and he did have an affair with her.
He changed our family forever. We will never be the same.
Thanks, Pat, we sound like we are in similar boats. How long did the affair go for and how did you discover it? xo
The affair was 2.5 months. It started when I went on a beach trip with our children and some girlfriends.
He was different, so I started getting suspicious and checked his cell phone records.
They turn into different beasts when an affair begins. It’s a dead giveaway, if you know what it signifies… xo
What helps me is I think of the nice part of him . And build it from there. It’s not like he was madly in love with her it was a sex thing. That’s the difference. When a man falls deeply in love with another woman that’s cheating . But plain sex is a stress release for most men.
Wow, Pat. Our stories are very similar. I’ve been together with my husband for 17 years, married for 14. 3 kids. Our marriage was rocky as well…we were just not connecting…but he NEVER once spoke to me about it, even though I tried so many times to talk. Found out in May that not only was he having an emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend (and it became physical once) but that 4 years prior he had another physical affair with an old coworker. They met twice, but he was unable to perform the second time, but they remained “friends” for years. He did come clean about the both of them but in a completely fucked up way that messed with my head. I know I want to work things out with him, I know he’s sorry and wants to be with me and only me, but it’s so hard getting over the fact that it wasn’t always that way. I wish you, and everyone on here the best of luck with their situations.
You are right – it is heartbreaking knowing he wants you and only you but that it “wasn’t always that way”. You were not the one he wanted at the time opportunity presented itself. He made someone else more important than you. It’s a depressing realisation. Stay strong. xo
So, so true! I wake up every morning, and think ” oh my gosh, this nightmare is truly my life!”
I have not had a ” normal” day since last Oct. 2013.
Your words could’ve came from my mouth, 22 years for us.
It’s more devasting then words could ever describe.
Love your blog!
It helps to know I am not alone in this.
Hey Broken, you are always welcome here. We endure this pain together. xo
Shattered wife and fellows – I have been following this blog for past 7 weeks since I busted husbands 4 mth affair . You are an amazing bunch of girls who seem to say everything I feel and which has been the most enormous comfort – I cannot express that enough – thank you SW for writing your blog. However there is an exception for me … I don’t love my husband after all that has come out – huge affair , planning to leave me and my 3 kids, still carried on til I believe last week saying he was ” keeping his options open” , enormous financial betrayal of HUGE debts and loans he’s run up he lied about and has carried on lying . But … He says he wants to try again but I feel only because he wants the respectability and image of nice family unit ( that sort if man). I don’t love him, there is no ember in my heart, I know I’d be better on my own with my kids but funding a home , moving kids schools etc ( his work pays for school) is too much . You guys all seem to love your husbands at least on some level some of the time . I don’t . There is nothing.
So sorry to hear that. I cannot believe he continued to carry on the affair even after you busted him. Keeping his options open? WTF?! I can understand your feelings. It’s a shit of a situation – wanting to leave your husband but being financially unable to do so. How long have you been married, and how old are your children? I’m glad you found this blog and that it brings you comfort. We are all on one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Feel free to rage/vent here any time! xo
Just found out today husband been cheating for last six years with a family friend. I am completely numb, heartbroken and devastated. I too hate his fucking guts. Feel too sick to eat, can’t bear what he has done to me but even worse to our two small children. Don’t want to stay but feel I can’t leave. Children’s security matters so much. He is an utterly weak and selfish man. Want to hurt him but don’t want to cause hurt to others. So hard, so confused, so sad 😦
Six YEARS?! I’m so sorry to hear that, that’s awful 😦 How did you discover it? Was/is the affair partner (AP) married? This is going to be an insane time in your life – there’s no sugarcoating it. Food won’t be important for a while – you will drop heaps of weight. Just remember to drink water or you will pass out. And you need to remain upright for your little ones. I’m so sorry for what lies ahead over the coming months. It’s a shit of a ride. We are here for support. xo
Am so very very sorry for you. I’ve kept a diary – lists , feelings , questions to ask etc – quite cathartic . Totally understand children’s security the MoST imp – give them hugs , indulge in them – kids are great tonic , just try to keep breathing .
What an absolutely shit situation, I’m so sorry! You’re being so brave. Definitely try and drink water and sleep. I slept so much, it was unbelievable. That’s a very long time with someone you trusted, what a bitch. I completely empathise with you and thankfully this blog says everything that we’re feeling. It’s just over a month since I found out my husband had been having an affair with his ex for at least a year. Whilst I’m kind of acting normally, I’m having a lot of anxiety and anger. Counselling is helping though.Take each day at a time and don’t make any rash decisions. Think about your health for the sake of your children and yourself. This blog is brilliant, I hope you find support here. Take care xx
Dear Dontknow, you are the one who should be keeping her options open, it’s only been 4 months, love can surprise you, if you ever had it at all it’s still there, not in the same way as any of us will tell you, but there all the same! I never actually hated my husband, just what he had done, but I can tell you when I first found out, that I hated him was one of the nicer things I yelled at him! All husbands act differently during this time & you are the only one who will be able to tell if you feel he is remorseful & willing to work with you to help your marriage heal, hopefully he will be willing to do that, if that’s what you want! A lot of things can change as time goes by. Good luck to you, I am so sorry this happened to you! Hugs from Joan
Thank you Joan once again for your words of wisdom and support. xo
Am hoping time is a healer as wise Joan says . I have sacrificed my career and life for this man , following him around the world ( military )- have literally brought up kids (aged 9,7,6) as always away , even dealt with years of PTSD which is not nice being at the sharp end of – just so loyal to him. I have some inheritance from before we were married for when we want to buy our own home and settle and he said the other day that I am selfish not share it. He spends a fortune we don’t have on his own expensive hobbies , own holidays etc , he has drifted from us entirely – doesn’t know what kids eat , what stories they like , their favourite teddy – nothing. I feel like a mug still being here. He just says mean things and makes me feel bad – ” I’ve done us a favour , our marriage was shit now it will be better ” I know deep down I am strong woman . I don’t know why he didn’t just leave us like he was planning to – now all pressure on me to decide where to go. Am never EVER letting him in my bed EVER again that’s for sure . Why are men so horrid – dreaming of women and children commune in far off land!
Don’t know what to do…. Time has not healed it for me….only made it worse… You hang in there girl…. We will get thru this we have no choice!
Shattered, only trying to follow in your foot steps, dear friend! You are always so kind to all who find themselves here! XO Joan
I’ve been reading so many blogs since DDay 7 months ago (he had a year and a half long EA with a coworker). Even though all of our husbands suck (if I may take the liberty in saying so), I find myself kind of jealous that mine seems to be the only one who is not interested in feeling remorse or wanting reconciliation. Am I completely alone in this? He went completely off scale a month ago and now claims he never loved me and there is no hope. What the hell am I supposed to do with that??? God bless you all…this sucks.
Are you able to walk away? Or do you have children? xo
We have two little kids. One of them knows something is up, the other is too young. We have been married for almost 15 years. He has rewritten our entire history together. He won’t leave because of the kids. He was sorry at the beginning, now all of sudden it’s “I haven’t loved you for a long time (at least 10 years, but I care about you”, “our marriage isn’t sustainable”, he has no hope, won’t try and doesn’t want to. I can’t say ANYTHING without him getting angry at me. I’m not going to lie, we’ve had our share of problems. But he was there when I found out. Now, after admitting he doesn’t love me (3 weeks ago), he actually flinches if I try to touch him, and is just being cruel in general. Is this guilt on his part, or has he really hated me for that long? Does he not feel guilty because he had already written me off, or can he just not look in the mirror? And most importantly, why do I still love him? Has my entire marriage been a lie? I pray to God that this is a stage. History is a bitch.
It sounds to me like he’s still having the affair. Could that be possible? xo
I have been married over 30 years. I found out my husband was having an emotional, online, texting type of affair with a classmate he had not seen in 40 years and had met up with again after a reunion. They met that one night, there was an attraction, the group exchanged contact info.,and the texting began. First innocently, but as she got him to share details of his life, he fell for the trap. The emotional connection began. I caught him texting her one night and he about crapped in his pants. This episode lasted three weeks from start to finish. I moved out, I am back, he called her and broke it off. I called her also and told her I knew, with him sitting next to me. I hate her. I hate him but love him. He is terrified I will leave him. He feels foolish ans stupid. He admits that if I had not caught him, the lust in his heart for her, would have probably ended in them meeting. He realizes this old whore just wanted to improve her life with the lifestyle he showed off to her (by sending her images of our boat, vacation home, cars etc.) this is life we have worked hard for over 30 years and now enjoyed. We have begun therapy. It has been 60 days sice D DAY. I plan to write her a letter and let her know I have read all emails and communications and will expose her to her husband if she just as much as breaths our way. My husband knows I am doing this. We both want to save our marriage. He made the biggest mistake of his life and it has changed our lives forever. I do no trust. I am heart broken. I know it will take time…a lifetime. I only told one friend. My best friend. He has not told anyone, other than, our spiritual director and the therapist. Good luck to all who come to this site. The journey through this broken road is so tough. I hope it leads me back to my one true love, my husband. As for that old WHORE, may she trip on her sagging tits and break her face lifted face!
Ellie, I am in disarray but your last comment made me laugh! Thank you.
Today is a sort of D-day anniversary for me. One year ago today, I found pictures in my husbands email of his whore. He swore they were random pictures from a co-worker showing off his new girl friend. I believed him, apologized for checking his email. Asked for forgives….. October 13 will be the real(?) D-day anniversary when I learned of the one night stand & money. April 13 2015 will be the REAL D-Day anniversary when I learned it was a year long, emotional affair when he was home, sexual affair when he was in Thailand. I learned of all the money he stole from us, how he wanted to leave me & move to be with a whore in Thailand….. I’m sick!! Very day, from today until,April 13. 2015 will be misery & have a bad memory. The day he said he loved me but was not in love; when he told me he hated my hair cut; when he watched me cry & walked away…. The man I lived with was Satan. I called him my husbands evil twin. Now he’s home & swears he lost his mind, swear he loves me, swears he was insane, swears he never loved the whore, swears everything he did & said was wrong, a lie and fucked up. He is more than a perfect loving husband, he is now the ” Dream man & husband”
But I STILL hurt, I still know the words he said & wrote, I still remember how horrible & cruel he treated me, I still live with this every day & survive One Breath at a Time
One Breath – your husband sounds like mine, although his affair was around 6 weeks. Started as emotional and ended with 1 night of sex 4 months ago. Now he’s the dream partner and father – patient, loving, attentive. What every woman wants. It’s so hard to reconcile this person with the one who glared at me while I breast fed our baby, or the person who told me he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me and told his sl*t he was leaving me (he swears he can’t remember this, but I read the text to her before he deleted it). Now after nearly 15 years and 2 kids he told me the other night he loves me more now than ever. WTF is wrong with these men??
My husband did that. Went all cold on me when he got with her. First they were late nights. Then the distant behaviour and lack of interest in me and our eight month old baby boy. He would not go anywhere with me. Was not intimate and would sleep with boxer shorts on. Something he never did before. The hidden phone and not being be to get hold of him. Really pisses me off. All for a bit of p###y. When I found lipstick on his shirt and it smelt of perfume I denied it to myself. The love bite on his stomach caught him out. Even then he tried to deny it. Since I found out though he is so attentive wants to be in our life! My little boy is three now and loves his daddy. He is a good dad. But I can never forget how cruel. He was. Xxx
What is it about having babies they makes men so fucking stupid? Our baby was 8 weeks old when he began his affair. Motherfucker. xo
I just want to say this on here. To the woman my husband had an affair with. Thanks to u I am not the person I was anymore.I was carefree, bubbly trusting loving and devoted. Thanks to u I cheated on my husband, broke my vows, thanks to u I have lived a living hell, thanks to u I will never ever trust again. You stupid slag! What did u hope to achieve? I hope someone does this to you one day!!! I hope it happens when u are most vulnerable like I was when I had my eight month old son to care for.. Like I did not feel crap enough. U had to leave lipstick on his shirt you fucking slut! And why the love bite!? Had you not done enough to me I had to see it myself. Was that to claim my husband. Whores like you deserve a. Proper kick in! Find your own man slut!!
My husband and his whore were texting each other in the living room of MY house when we were all 3 sitting there! I’ve seen records of 15 months of texts, phone call and pictures sent between the two of them. I would VERY much like to read the actual texts, but have been told by 3 attorneys that that isn’t possible. Now, more than a year has gone by, but I still wish everyday to read them. I can’t let that go. I need to know what was said. I suspect they discussed killing me for the insurance money. I was able to download his dynamic dictionary, so I have all the words he used, but can’t put them together in sentences. Any advice?
I feel the exact same way about my wife. She cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. D- day was 2 years ago. I look at her sometimes in complete disbelief as to what she has done and I hate her more than I have ever hated in my life. So how come I still love her?
Some people are born to cheat. Others, meanwhile, will never have it in then. Did she know her affair partner or was it a one-night stand? Do you have children? xo
Wow so many sad stories! I swear I never knew there was so much infidelity in the world until my own marriage was rocked by it. Why oh why can’t people just communicate with each other and love each other and if they fall out of love then have the balls to speak up. It’s really not that fucking difficult to tell your spouse how you are feeling… instead they go and tell their sob stories to any old whore who will listen. Motherfuckers!!!
Ain’t THAT the fucking truth! xo
Amen sister!!!
I’ve just come across your blog and it’s really helpful to know I’m not alone. Partner of 20 years has left and is not coming back because he’s having an affair with a mad cat loving, soprano leaving me with a very distraught child.
Oh no, that is awful. I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I hope you find some comfort here. How old is your little one? xo
My little one is not so little 13 this week which is the worst possible age for it to happen. I’m afraid I have become very adept at stalking them both on twitter and facebook and at hacking his emails. It is comforting to know I’m not alone but I never expected to be single at 51.
I left my husband in January this year. After being together for 15 years, 10 of which were married. We’d had a rough time during the last few years, and I’d found out the day before that everything wrong in his life was down to me. I was trying to leave before he came home from a morning surf. This was after I had discovered an email to his mother saying he’d be ok???, and saw the porn sites he had been visiting which made me physically ill. I was supposed to be flying to Brisbane from interstate that day because he thought I needed a break, and when he got home he said “are you driving up, I thought I was taking you to the airport?”. When I told him I was leaving, he said nothing, instead just took my packed bag to the top of the stairs and then turned his back on me as I left our house for the last time. This was after years of subtle mental abuse to the point I was hospitalised for a month. Between January and 2 weeks ago we had got back in contact and it he said he would be selling our house, returning to Qld where I am, and trying to salvage what was left of our marriage. We would talk every day! Then 2 weeks ago I was blindsided when his daughter told me about his girlfriend. When I confronted him he said he hadn’t known how to tell me! In the next breath, they were just friends. Someone he could go surfing with. WTF? I just went numb. He had done this to me before when he had another ‘friend’. I can’t and won’t speak to this man ever again. He has betrayed me time and again, but what’s worse is that I let it happen. I don’t know how I will ever trust another man again. They are so self-centred and self-absorbed that I am beyond believing a good one exists. I’m so glad I came across your blog. Sorry for my rant, but I sincerely do hope that whatever choice you make, you make the decision that is right for you and your children. xo
I’m sorry you find yourself here. But what do you mean by you found out everything wrong in his life was down to you? Listen, you don’t let someone betray you; you didn’t let it happen. Your husband was of weak character and a selfish lying asshole to boot. Good riddance to him. I hope you find happiness. xo
I am so glad I found this blog. I actually googled “I hate him but how come I still love him” – and this site came up. Every day I wish him dead and gone and every day I stay because I still love him. We’ve been married 27 years – together for 30. I’m only 48 and think I could start over… but we have 3 older children and it would kill them. And I don’t know if I want to leave and I certainly don’t want the whores he was with to have him. I’m just sick and all screwed up. It’s been 1 year and 3 months and sometimes I have good days – but mostly I cry every single day and just don’t know what to do. He thinks because it’s over and he’s fine I should just move on. Don’t bring it up because I shouldn’t be living in the past and it’s “bad for our relationship” – ha! He just hates the guilt he feels and seeing me cry constantly. So I try to make sure he doesn’t see it and just fake it, fake it, fake it – all the time.
Hi there, sadlostandconfused, I’m not happy you’re here but I’m happy you’re here, if that makes sense! It’s amazing how cheaters think, isn’t it? How do we “move on” when we don’t really know what we’re moving on from? Do you know much about the affair? How long did it last? How did you discover it? Was it physical or emotional? I know what you mean about feeling sick and all screwed up. I wonder if the pain ever really leaves. I hope you come again- there is a wonderful bunch of betrayed spouses here willing to listen and support you any time, me included. xo
I found out about his first affair because I was monitoring his work email – he was having an emotional affair with his secretary (what a cliche…) and I went looking and found out she had traveled with him and he lied, lied, lied. Even when I asked him straight up about it, until he realized I had copies of his expense reports. So we were working thru that and THEN just a few months later he gets an email from SOMEONE I THOUGHT WAS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE – and it was quite obvious they had a relationship – and he lied and lied and lied and said she was just looking for a job, etc. It happened like 15 years ago, but it’s new to me. And to add insult to injury she continually spelled my name incorrectly in her email to him — OMG, she was supposed to be my friend! He finally admitted to the physical affair with her a year later – June 6, 2013. But said the secretary “wasn’t the same – nothing physical”. He’s such a liar – I’m supposed to believe him? Then I find an email he sent to another woman all excited that we might be moving to an area closer to her (his job). As it turns out we didn’t – when I asked him about her it was just a “work friend” and he was inquiring about schools for our son. I just hate him. He has lied to me for years and years and now everything that comes out of his mouth I’m supposed to take as the gospel truth and not question. OMG. What a f****** a******. I’m just an idiot. I want so badly to call this “work friend” and ask her if she had an affair with him – but I’m afraid she’ll tell him and then he’ll be mad at ME. How screwed up is that?? I’m such a loser and a mess.
Trust me, YOU ain’t the loser! Your husband has behaved dreadfully. He should be thanking his miserable ass that you haven’t dumped him and taken half of everything! Your so-called friend sounds like a complete bitch, too. And to add insult injury, she can’t even spell your name correctly. God, you could almost laugh. Are you really worried about his reaction if you contact this work friend? I suspect it wouldn’t even be worth it – they probably have a pact to never tell you the truth, anyway. Do you have older children and do they know? xo
You’re right – he’s probably already spoken to her because she was on my radar. And as I say all this I think how stupid I am. But ALSO…. he was supposed to be on a trip a few months ago and his flight was cancelled. I checked his phone the next morning when I got up and there was a message from 10:00 pm the night before (he was home and in bed already) that just said “hey” … ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Some girl that used to work for him – one of his managers and that’s why her number was in his phone. Well when he transferred his numbers to his new phone the names didn’t go – so her name didn’t come up. I googled the number and figured out who it was, etc. and asked him about it. He was just like “huh” — said he didn’t know what it was about but that he would take care of it. I got these long text messages about how he spoke to her boss and HR is all over it and apparently she has a drinking problem and done this before, blah, blah, blah. He says “I took care of it baby”. But then I see after that he emailed her and another girl about a test they are all taking at work asking them if they’ve taken it yet. So someone calls you drunk and you get HR involved but you still send benign emails to them asking about a test? So now when I brought it up not too long ago (in a conversation where I basically said I have no idea what he’s doing most of the time) it got to be that I didn’t trust him, would never trust him again, don’t forgive people, etc. I backed off – because that’s what I do – and won’t ever bring it up again. But I do know where she lives and have parked in front of her house- wanting to ask her why she thought it was ok to text my husband at 10:00 pm at night when she thought he was traveling. He said she was talking to one of the guys who works for him and he was telling her about all the trouble he was having with his flight, etc. and he thinks that’s why she texted him. And she was drunk. So it’s just one thing after another – or is it all stuff that happens and I’m just on high alert about it. I don’t know. I have 3 grown children, the youngest is 20 – they will never know. But I do wonder if he just stays with me so I won’t tell them because that would be the worst thing I can do to him.
So much deceit. I can see why this is so painful for you. How do you ever get a straight answer out of him?? Does he tell you that he loves you? Why is he staying in the marriage? xo
He answers me with what he wants to tell me and he does it very confidentally. He tells me he loves me all the time. Treats me like a queen. Very sweet and says all the right things now. But I just can’t forgive him and let it go – how long will it take? I don’t trust anything he says – I look for the lies and I’m so suspicious I make myself sick. As far as I’m concerned if you’ve spoken to him you probably slept with him! That is not me – I was very confident and happy and felt good about myself – now I feel like a gross, fat, ugly cow. But I have a new house, car paid off and new jewelry – that should make up for it right? Ugh. I just texted him that I made an appointment to go back to the counselor (just has been me that ever went – but he will go if I ask him) – he said “I’m glad you’re going back but what’s going on – I thought things were good”. (that’s because I’m so fake and afraid to confront him because he might leave) … I said I just need someone to talk to and that I love him. He said I understand and I love you too. We are ridiculous and it makes me sick.
So true – we are ridiculous whenever we have to turn up together somewhere and play happy families. Ugh. But why are you afraid of him leaving? Do you think he really would? xo
You have to ride that awful roller coaster. It has been 3 months for me. I talk about it to family and close friends. I also exposed him and her at the time with a screen shot of the smut I found on his phone. I think that helped because he can’t hide anymore or deny it. I feel lucky to have that concrete proof and gutted because it causes me pain. I know that the hate is destructive. Just reading these blogs helps me. I have to separate my hurt heart from my logical mind, only then can I quiet the commotion and fear. People can screw up and people can redeem themselves. The other woman was my friend ( I thought). It has broken my heart but I am fighting to stop it from devouring me and my happiness. I feel what I feel at the time and then I pick myself up ad force myself into the things that I found happiness in before. My husband and I are trying to work on our marriage. I hope that we can have a new relationship from this. I don’t want the old one back because it is tainted to me. As time heals the pain of the past we have the power to create a better future. Its all about choices. Choose to love and choose to see the good. It’s not the same as being blinded from the truth, for I will never be that again. I have this little thing I hold onto in my dark moments called hope, it picks me up and helps me to catch my breath. It won’t find you though, you have to seek it out.
Know that cheating isn’t about you. Cheating is about the weakness and selfishness of the WS and AP. It is a separate entity from your marriage and doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t love you or that your good times were fake. Don’t let them rob you of those or your own power to be happy. Life is too short xx
Wonderful words of encouragement! Thank you, thelighthouse. xo
I wish I could feel the way you do. Admittedly I go through the questions in my mind of could it work out, in time, and then I think I have been through too much with this man to ever again trust anything he says. Not that we are speaking anyway. He has his girlfriend now which is what he has wanted all along. Is it bad of me to say I hope he finally realises that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side? It still gets weeds and needs to be maintained. It’s just the amount of work that you put in which gives either a good or bad result. I have read so many websites which all say that the men are going through a time of hurt and pain, well you know what, so am I. I have been in pain for years from the hurt he has caused me, but why is it that we are supposed to understand and forgive because it’s a known fact that men go through a crisis? Perhaps I’ve become too hard now, I don’t know. I wish you only the very best in attaining a new relationship with your husband. If it is what you want, I hope it works out for you both x
Thank you thelighthouse. I feel so hurt and betrayed right now but I am taking comfort in your words.
I hate the feeling of loving someone who literally disgusts me… I just found out about 2 weeks ago, so it’s all still very fresh. I’ve been with my husband for 4 years and been married for 2. We have one child together and I am 20 weeks pregnant with our second… I think that’s the hardest part of this. Knowing how badly he wanted to get me pregnant, then to completely destroy me once I was… Reading some of the comments I’m at least thankful his cheating wasn’t emotional, I guess that’s one thing I can be grateful for? He claims it started out just wanting someone to flirt with him, apparently I “don’t do it enough”. Then it turned into wanting to have sex with someone new…. Make that 2 different someone news. But there were 3 girls total who had been sending naked pictures of themselves to him and he had been talking dirty with. Makes me want to puke. He even put mine and my child’s health at risk, we’ll know soon if he actually gave us some God awful disease… I just want to die. But I know my children need me to be strong. He is begging and pleading with me to stay. Says he doesn’t know what he was thinking and he can’t live without me, but I just think it’s a load of crap. He wouldn’t have done this if he loved me and couldn’t live without me.. He ruined everything we had for some disgusting ugly whores. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home, but is it any worse than growing up with a broken mother?
You call the other woman a whore. Not all other women are whores. Everyone is different. I was the other woman. Having an affair resulted in my attempting suicide and I ended up in hospital – that was the price I paid for having an affair.
You were the other woman and had an affair with a married man? Why did you do it?
Suzy…Many of us here have paid that price too! Many of us here who were betrayed attempted suicide so we fully understand… The sad part is that a few of us succeeded and we did nothing wrong but love someone who didn’t return as much love… Hope you are doing better
Yes Suzy you’re a whore!
Anyone who has an affair with a married man, is, in my opinion a WHORE.
You deserve what you got!
Stay the hell away from ALL married men!
Only a whore knowingly participates in an adulerious relationship with a married/taken man.
hey suzy, i know that suicidal thoughts and actions come from an absolutely desperate place and i’m sorry your situation had that effect on you. i don’t know your story, but i empathise with anyone who’s ever been in that space, feeling so empty of hope that things will ever be good again that death seems like a good option. i wouldn’t wish that on anyone. it’s cruel. hopefully you can understand that many of the ppl who post here have experienced or are going through the same feelings of utter despair as a result of being betrayed by a person whom they loved and trusted above all others. their spouses’ other woman/other man was a willing accomplice in causing them indescribable pain, so there’ll probably be words and names used to describe that other person that you might not like. but everyone has a price to pay for their role in the devastation caused by an affair, whether they can deal with that or not depends on themselves. this is a place to share and vent, so plz try not to take offense at others’ honesty, however brutal. i know it’s a sucky place to be right now, it truly is, but i hope you’re on the road to healing. maybe being here and reading what ppl share could be helpful for that, maybe not.
Bravo Broken, I agree!
Its a harsh reality. I hate the name Nicole, Nicky and anything remotely close. After 21yrs and 7 children. he even had their 1 yr anniversary. Lucky for me I found out after 1yr 3mnths. We still struggle with trust issues. The slut will get all that she deserves and more. Remember the wheel turns no matter how slowly. Just a pity they feel nothing for the children who suffer with us.
It’s been a three weeks since I found out. He had to tell me because there is a baby. I have decided to stay. We have been together 20 years, no children. Right now I am waiting as the mother brings the baby over for a visit. He sain. It was over and then she came back a month later and said she was pregnant. She is 38 so this wasn’t some unplanned pregnancy on her part. And he never wore a condom so
I blame him as well.
I think I can get past this, but I am confused. I feel he thinks it’s over, I am sorry let’s move past. I realized he continued to sleep with her for six months after my dad died suddenly. My dad was so close to me.
I feel numb. No anger nothing. I feel isolated and alone. I need some advice
sometimes i feel like the stupidest person alive. just an absolute idiot. those moments don’t last as long now, but they still happen. i have to remind myself i’m not stupid for loving and trusting my own husband. he gave me no reason to think i couldn’t until he did kinda thing. i’m not an idiot for having faith in him, our family and our life together. i think he’s a dick for abusing my faith. for nearly 4 years he did whatever he wanted with her, whenever he wanted to. she would wait on him to text or call or send her pics or stop off somewhere discreet on their way home from work – her place, some spot down by the river, our home while i was working:( he swears nothing happened on ‘our’ bed but why the fuck would i believe that? like knowing they ONLY fuckd on a chair in my house makes it better?!? btw, the b!tch is HUGE, about twice my size, so the logistics of her/him on chair in question just don’t work. again, he’s a fuckng dick. his affair was with a co-worker and they’d travel to and from work together EVERY day for years. how sweet, right? so he would pick and choose, as far as i know, whenever he felt the ‘need’. sometimes he ‘needed’ to at work so they would. on the floor, in his car. god knows where and how else. now, he’s committed to total disclosure with me with anything and everything i ask. should he get points for that? effed if i know, but i’ve been doing so well with my own personal healing lately, i don’t know if i wanna know everything. at least not yet. i have more good days then bad, and on my bad days the things i do know swirl around my head and i know if i could stand looking at his face for long enough on these days,(usually i can’t) i’d smack him in it as hard as i fuckng could and wouldn’t bat an eyelid. and he’d stay. he’s not leaving until i make him. and even if i did, and i have, he comes back. he’s not giving up. and on a bad day, that makes me fuckng furious. he’s leaving the decision on what to do about ‘us’ on me. he’ll do whatever it takes, listen to whatever i say and accept it because he’s sorry and he loves me more than he loves himself and he doesn’t want us to be over. DICK. so i’m trying to keep the focus on me, and the 5 awesome kids who got stuck with us as parents, i feel like they’re ‘stuck’ now, i never used to, i thought they were lucky, but i question that sometimes now. i hope that the newly aquired ‘power’ that i have over my marriage doesn’t go to my head, that i don’t blow up in anger at him and let my head get skewed by my complete disappointment in him as a man/husband/person because my babies are watching. yeah, i love him but i hate his fuckng guts.
My husband’s whore was huge too…300lbs AND she has a colostomy bag! She never wears makeup or fixes her hair. I feel stupid too. I’ve always tried to look nice and stay slim. Seems like a waste of time.
300lbs AND colostomy bag?!? men are fuckng idiots aren’t they?
i’ve devoured as much information as i can online and in therapy about this whole shitty experience, i just need to understand it all. one thing the stats seem to support is that more often than not, men cheat ‘down’. because it’s true, it’s not about the OW or how they look or their personalities or any of the things we, their wives or even the OW’s themselves, believe it is. it’s about how she makes him feel about HIMSELF.
so, based on that, whether she’s 50lbs lighter or outweighs you by 200, if she makes him feel good about himself – she’ll do. gross. i had the misfortune of knowing my husbands’ OW very well (another story..) and let me just say, i’m a total believer in this theory – that the OW is NOT the special, amazing and wonderful person we believe she would have to be to turn our loving, devoted man into the the selfish lying asshole he became. no. it’s not her at all. she just became very good at doing/saying whatever it took to keep making him respond, falsely believing it was her engaging personality/smile/ass/intelligence/superiority over his wife or whatever that held his attention. meanwhile, he’s just on a high thinking he’s a fuckng rock star with all these positive feelings he’s getting about HIMSELF, not her.
on a positive, if you’re awesome enough to be taking care of yourself, staying healthy and maintaining a lovely figure – you go girl! do it for YOU. look in the mirror and know you actually give a shit about yourself. inside and out, it’s never a waste of time to be fabulous.
What makes it even worse, is I’ve now found out that he ALWAYS cheats with this same whore. Cheated on his first wife, 37 years ago and several girlfriends over the years. What does that mean?????
I found out today, that my husband’s whore’s anal cancer is now in her spine. I texted her and wished her well, as she is having surgery today. She took the opportunity to let me know that my husband told her that he loved her quite often (something that he denies he ever did). He says the whore, on her deathbed is lying. I pulled the words from his phone, she said he did, but he STILL denies it. Why?
Your words ring so familiarily true for this betrayed spouse. I walk the the same tight rope as you. It has shards of glass all along the way -yet we are forced to walk barefoot.
The best part about all of this pain and agony is that the fucktard that cheated acts like you don’t have any right to feel this way. I always get I’m here aren’t I. He doesn’t get how much he has hurt me. 20 years of marriage for what? So he could fuck someone half my age. I just don’t understand. I read these blogs and apparently this pain has moved in and set up housekeeping. Great.
Hi Jody, how far along after D-Day are you? SWxo
Couldn’t agree more. I went through all this too. I loved my ex-wife and wanted to make it work, but I absolutely hated her too for the disregard she’d shown our years together, the disrespect she’d shown me in constantly lying – eventually blaming me for her actions.
These simultaneous feelings are mentally exhausting, I know 😦
They absolutely do your head in. SWxo
it’s been a year and I still remember the hurt and pain. but he is still here after 21 years. But the bitch has no one. No one to hold her hand, dry her tears or just a cup of coffee or give her that intimate sexual high to calm her down every night. That makes me feel DAMN GOOD!!! LET THE BEST PARTNER WIN THIS ROUND
I discovered my Husband’s “affair” 9th November 2012. I still haven’t moved on, if anything time has magnified the hurt. I completely relate to everything you say… My husband’s affair wasn’t physical. He claims it never would have been, but perhaps I just gate crashed just in time. I’ll never know. I’m still I. Twilight zone. I still think I would rather not wake up than deal with being with him or being without him.
I, too, often wonder if I gate-crashed some fucking party I obviously wasn’t invited to… Our husbands really know how to mess us up. SWxo
Broken I understand what you are saying about time. I always heard “time heals” well it hasn’t for me! Time has only made it worse, each week I realize something new, like “oh that’s why he said that at the time”…little things just keep popping in my mind and I now realize how many lies I was told and how much betrayal there really was. I filed for divorce s couple months back and he was served a couple of weeks ago. I am scared to death of my future…I always had him here to help finacelly, fix things around the house, etc. and I really don’t know how I will do it all on my on but I do know I can’t go on with him he’s not the man he pretended to be! I hope things get better for you and you can start to heal soon!
You know what is worse? NOT cheating on your partner for 11 years, and being accused of it every, fucking, day!
Rather hung for the goat you stole than none I didn’t…
OH yeh – sorry – I am male….
I feel like I am late this blog compared to other replies but this is the stage I am at right now. The difference is that I kinda have 2 D Days for the same affair. In August 2014 I ended what I believed and was told was an emotional affair. So I attempted to rebuild my marriage on that. 8 months later i discovered he had been fucking her at work for 3 months ( May- August 2014). My world ended. Things would never be the same again. He hadn’t been in contact with her for all that time and I knew it was over as soon as I left him the 1st time. It was the usual…He couldn’t bear losing me so didn’t face the truth blah blah blah. But now I have double the agony of knowing first that he cheated and for so long and also then lied to me. Despite countless opportunities to tell me. Another layer to my pain is that during the emotional affair we began sex therapy as I had suspicions that he was seeking attention from the OW and I wanted to be proactive about that aspect of our relationship so he wouldn’t go elsewhere. He agreed with this and we embarked on the therapy together. His affair ended right at the beginning of therapy but he allowed me to rebuild us on a lie. I have good and bad days but the thoughts and pain are a daily struggle.
I’m so sorry you are in such pain. My husband has also told me his affairs was purely emotional but other factors have me thinking otherwise. Too much changed in the bedroom. I found myself asking “OMG, where did you learn THAT?” It was a dead giveaway, but he refuses to concede it was more than an emotional affair. I have no reason whatsoever to believe him, so am going with my gut. Tell me how you rebuild a marriage based on all that bullshit. Sending you love and strength. SWxo
Looking back I wished I had trusted my gut throughout their affair when I had my suspicions and been more proactive, rather than confronting him and believing his lies. The way he spoke about it I think i always knew something more had happened, but I never expected it to have been to the full extent, of them fucking for 3 months. The 8 months built on lies have been a killer. I hope if it was physical in your case then he actually has the balls to own up. Rebuilding on a lie has been an excruciating thought. You’re better off trusting your gut so if it is true, at least you’ve half prepared yourself.
I don’t know what to believe anymore. Our marriage feels like a corpse we’re trying to breathe life back into. Maybe once it’s gone, it’s just gone. SWxo
I have zero trust. They will lie to the grave. My husband’s 15 month long “emotional” affair with an old girlfriend seems like so much more. She lived just 3 blocks away. He begged her for sex continually, asked her to meet him when I wasn’t home, used past tense words in his text ( like “satisfied”, “kissed”, etc…) and she’s loved him for 43 years. Coincidently, she died of anal cancer caused by an STD called HPV. Eight months after I found out, I got anal HPV. Hmmm….they lie.
My husband still denies it
So true-I share your pain -I love the cheating fucking douchebag but I hate his fucking guts too-so what do I do?
I’m sorry…this sounds like what I dealt with, except my kids are 19 & 21. Are you still together? Does he tell you how sorry he is, that he hates himself for what he did, that in addition to me & his kids, he let himself down? For some lying, cheating, married piece of slut trash that is now pregnant with (I think) her husbands kid, although with her track record it could be anyone’s ( except my husband, as he got “snipped”. Still have a hard time believing I’m in this lifetime movie. I hate him so much for what he did to me, to us, and yet…I still love him. What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with us. The person who cheated could have done any number of things to solve whatever the problem was, but they chose to go off and fuck someone else instead. The problem is with them and how they resolve conflict within themselves. That doesn’t mean our love for that person instantly gets switched off. But I can confidently say, three years down the track, that I no longer love him. We did therapy, time away, talking etc but my heart was betrayed and it doesn’t forgive. SWxo
Hi SW. Do you think you will now leave your husband? You now know with certainty that you don’t love him? This is a very hard part of all this. You think you both love and hate these betrayers so are scared to take the step of actually leaving incase you are leaving the love of your life; yet you know the hurt won’t go away. I wish I knew for certain that I don’t love him. How do you know amongst all the confusion?
Hello Kate, I know for certain now that I no longer love my husband. The marriage is dead. As for what I will do in the short-term, I do not know. But you are right. In all the confusion and mind fuckery, how do you know what decision to make? All I can say is that you will know when you know. If you don’t know, then you aren’t there yet. Love and hugs to you. SWxo