I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately:
Does a marriage ever really recover from an affair?
Can two people ever really be happy again once their partner gives their heart away to another?
Can a betrayed spouse ever learn to honestly forgive and trust their lying, cheating partner?
So I asked this question of the highest power I know: Google.
The overwhelming consensus?
No, a marriage never truly recovers.
My husband has always maintained that he will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get through this fucked up mess that HE CREATED.
He has answered question after question, he is more attentive at home, he is attending therapy both individually and with me, and I thought we were slowly going to come out the other side.
But then something comes up that makes me ask why I fucking bother.
Why do I want to stay with this man? Will we ever truly be happy again? Or have I doomed myself to a joyless marriage for the rest of my miserable life?
I KNOW the questions never end – betrayed spouses, you know what I’m talking about.
There will ALWAYS be more questions. Cheaters will argue the questions have to stop at some point.
I, as the person you cheated on, believe you should answer any fucking question I like about the affair, whenever I fucking ask it.
That IS what you meant by WHATEVER IT TAKES, right?
So last night I ask my partner a question and he starts with the usual bullshit.
“I don’t see how this will help us.”
“I’m afraid of what this will trigger in you.”
“I don’t understand why you want to know that.”
I fear my head will explode.
“You don’t need to understand. I’m trying to work through things in my own head. Just answer my question.”
He doesn’t. Claims he doesn’t remember. Claims he’d only be paraphrasing (the stuff he doesn’t remember). Says it will hurt me.
SO FUCKING WHAT?! BRING IT! TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW. I’M FUCKING ASKING BECAUSE I WANT KNOW.
So what did I ask him that made him all nervous and defensive?
I asked specifically what SHE said to HIM. Not what they discussed (which he fails to adequately answer, even in therapy), but what that fucking WHORE said to HIM.
Did she tell him he was hot? That she wanted to feel his cock inside her? In her mouth? That she wanted to him to fuck her ass? That she wanted him to cum in her mouth?
You might be reading this and thinking “no good can come from knowing ANY of that.” Especially that prick from that “I cheated on my wife for two years” blog. I don’t want to hear about how you and your partner agreed to stop asking each other questions about the affair because one partner became too chicken-shit to answer anything else.
I completely fucking disagree with this approach.
See, my husband’s willingness to answer that question tells me many things.
Firstly, by answering the question, he is saying “I’m being upfront. I’m telling you what you want to know, if you believe it will help. I’m doing WHATEVER IT TAKES, as I promised.”
By not answering, he is saying “I want to keep this from you. You don’t deserve to know the full truth, the full extent of the affair. I want my secrets. Let’s move on and never speak of it again.”
The actual answer may or may not have any bearing on how this ‘relationship’ pans out.
But his unwillingness to answer tells me so much.
I feel we are doomed, regardless.
Fucking affairs, they mess with your fucking head on so many levels.
We are 8 months out from D-Day and I feel this fucked-up horror rollercoaster ride will never end.