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So here’s a question for all the betrayed spouses (BS) out there who have decided to stay with their cheating husbands or wives: are you having sex?
I’m not talking about the hysterical bonding that follows the initial discovery of the affair, I’m talking about regular sex that couples have.
When I discovered my husband’s affair on the 9th November 2013, all I wanted do was have sex with him. Every night. Sometimes more than once. And some mornings. This is no mean feat, given we are in our early 40s and have three children under the age of 6!
This hysterical bonding period lasted about 3 months or so. It was wild.
But now things have settled down a bit.
Now I have to deal with constant flashbacks, painful triggers, the rigors of couples counselling….none of which makes having sex particularly appealing.
To my fellow betrayed spouses out there, how are you currently managing this aspect of your relationship?
Some questions to consider:
1. Do you actually feel like making love to your partner? Do you desire them?
2. Is the sex different to pre-affair sex, and if so how? Is you partner more tender, more affectionate, more forthright in asking for what they want? Are you?
3. How often would you say you have sex?
4. Is there anything your partner does in bed that especially excites you?
5. Is there anything you don’t particularly like doing to or with your partner?
6. Are you plagued by thoughts of the two of them having sex? Do you wonder if sex better with the affair partner? Did they do something better or more often?
7. Do you look at your partner with complete disgust at times, wondering how they could even kiss or fuck someone other than you?
8. Is sex with your partner better or worse now?
9. Please tell us how old you are, how long you have been with your partner, and whether you have children.
We’re all anonymous here, so please think of this as a safe spot to share as little or as much as you are comfortable with.
Here are my answers, if you’re interested:
1. I can’t say I honestly feel like having sex with my husband at the moment. I will if he initiates it, but most of the time I’m not really ‘present’. I go through the motions with as much enthusiasm as I can muster, but we are at a difficult stage of healing, and I can’t say I’m all that interested in sex now.
2. Yes, I think sex is different. I’m more demanding, I tell him what I want, and I put his fingers and mouth where I need them to be. I also love talking dirty during sex, but my husband isn’t so keen on doing the same. I wish he would, it excites me!
3. Sex is on a pretty ad hoc basis at the moment. It can be three nights in a row, then nothing for a week. It depends largely on how we are each coping emotionally.
4. I love it when I feel urgency in my husband’s hands as he moves them around my body. I like to feel them pressing into my flesh. That’s not to say I like it rough, I just like him to feel like a man, and show me how much he really wants me.
And of course, when he goes down on me, he makes me want to scream. His tongue is oh, so good. He can lick me for ages, and with a bit of finger action, he can have me coming in less than 20 minutes. It’s mind-blowing!
5. My husband is a big fan of anal sex. I don’t mind it – it adds variety, and it makes him come VERY quickly – but I rather the old-fashioned kind. ; )
I don’t mind giving my husband blow jobs but I hate it when asks if he can come in my mouth. It makes me feel like a hooker (although I do sometimes comply).
6. My husband’s three-month affair was mostly emotional (they also met twice for lunch at a cafe near his work) but I read their sexts to each other and I was none too impressed. He told her he wanted to put his lips in her pussy, and had I not stumbled across affair that November night, I have no doubt it would have got physical very soon after.
7. When I have flashbacks, they mostly consist of seeing the words he wrote to her, the urgency in his tone, what he wanted to do to her. When he goes down on me, I often see those words “I want to put my tongue in your pussy” and wonder if he is thinking of her instead.
8. Sex isn’t better or worse. We are working through a stressful and difficult period in our relationship. I think my husband is fucking lucky AT ALL that I want to have any sex at this stage. I’m hoping things improve. Sex is important in a marriage. It creates intimacy and exclusivity. Maybe not exclusivity any more – especially if your spouse had sex with the affair partner – but you know what I mean. Sex between two people married to each other is supposed to sacred – you have each forsaken all others for one another.
9. I’m 42, together with husband for 20+ years, and have three young kids.
For those who feel comfortable sharing, I look forward to your responses. xo