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After our first couples counselling session last week, I thought we were making progress.

My husband agreed he needs to be more open with me about his communication with others, including Facebook and text messages, as well as giving me complete and open access to his phone and computer.

A week before discovering my husband had been having an affair, we’d been talking about something he wanted me to do for him so I asked him to send me a reminder email.

The email came through, but not from my husband. The words were my husband’s, but the account it was sent from was not my husband’s regular email account.

He hadn’t realised he’d sent me an email from a secret account. I didn’t say anything.

Fast forward to the day after our couples counselling session. I foolishly thought it might be a good time to ask my husband about this secret email account, given he was being open and honest and all.

Big mistake. HUGE. Why? Because he immediately deleted it. While he was at work. And I never got to see what was in there.

I could smash my head on the wall at my stupidity. What the FUCK was I thinking sending him a ‘please explain’ while he was at work?? If I’d had any brains, I would have waited until he returned home that night and demanded to see the contents of that inbox.

But like I said, it was the day after our first counselling session where he made promises to me about being honest and not deleting things. I bought into it. And now I felt like a fucking doormat.

He responded to me via text message before he left work that day: “I’ve been away from my desk. It was the address I set up to sign in to the chatting app which needed an email to create an account. I didn’t use it for email. I only chatted on the app. Because I didn’t use it, I forgot to delete it when I deleted the app. As it would have been empty, without even checking it, I deleted it today. I realised after I did so that the fact that it was empty might have been obvious to me, but it isn’t to you. I’m sorry. I haven’t had any contact. I just wanted the reminder gone.”

Just wanted the reminder gone. JUST WANTED THE REMINDER GONE. FUCK! I want the reminder gone every single fucking day.

I basically responded that if he was going to tell the counsellor and me one thing but do another, then we were wasting our fucking time and money.

From thinking we’d made progress, we were back to square one.

When he got home that night, we waited until the kids had gone to sleep then sat in the lounge room together in silence.

I was the first to speak.

“You shouldn’t have deleted that account.”
He buried his head in his hands.
“I know, I’m sorry,” he said before basically repeating the contents of his text message.
“We agreed you wouldn’t delete anything.”
“I know. I did it without thinking. There was nothing in it.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I’ll never know.”

I went to bed angry and disappointed. My husband didn’t try to speak to me again that night.

And to make matters worse, tomorrow was my birthday. My first birthday, post-affair.